01x05 - Lopez vs Gaslighting

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat saxophone music]

- The pain medication
might make Mr. Furley

a little woozy, so don't let
him text any ex-girlfriends.

- When are you going to retire
that corny-ass joke?

- When it stops making
everyone's frickin' day.

- I saw on the security camera,

we got another compliment.

[sighs] I love feeling
like I'm part of the team

without actually having
to interact with anyone.

- Dr. Pocha,
it's creepy that you watch us

on the cameras.

I usually charge people
for that.

- Another one for Mayan.

They love
that cat texting joke.

Never retire it.

- That means so much

coming from such
a great friend and mentor.

It's like I'm Oprah,
and you're Gayle.

I mean, you're Oprah,
and I'm Gayle.

- What do you want?

- A 5% raise,
my photo on the website,

and Brookie's parking spot?
- [gasps]

- I'll give you the raise.
- Yes.

- But that's actually
my parking spot.

I gave it to Brookie
because I want customers

to think my license plate says
"Bad Bitch."

- [squeals]
- [laughs]

Congratulations on the raise,

and nice try
stealing my parking spot,

but a bad bitch
doesn't walk three blocks.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Mayan.

- Hey, how'd
the T-ball game go?

- Amazing.

Two parents thought I was
Chance's mom,

and they were reading books
during the game,

so you know they're smart.

- I meant how did the game go
for Chance?

- Oh, it was a bloodbath.

- I need a beer
and a tequila chaser,

and maybe if I black out,
I can forget that game.

- Same.
I'll take a milk in my room.

Actually,
let's do chocolate milk,

and make it a double.

- Where does he get this stuff?

- Was the game that bad?

- [sighs]
It's not about the scoreboard.

Okay, as their coach,
I am teaching these kids

about courage
in the face of defeat.

- All you're teaching them
is how to lose,

and after losing


I think they got it.

- You know, it doesn't matter
what you say, George,

'cause as long
as I got this hat on,

I'm the boss.
- Milk!

- Yep.

- Ay,it's a shame you keep
missing Chance's games.

You need to ask your boss
to let you off work early.

- I just asked for a raise.

I can't ask
to leave early, too.

- Just do what I do.
Use one of the three Ds--

death, discrimination,
or diarrhea.

- As a mom,
your kid looks up to you.

You don't want
to let them down.

So you have to do whatever
it takes to be there for them.

- I know, Mom.
You were perfect.

- Oh, your words, not mine.

I always had a full-time job,

and I still managed to be
at your T-ball games,

your dance recitals,
and your OB-GYN appointments.

- That was last week,
and I told you to stop coming.

- I'm telling you, Mayan,

you don't want to regret
not being there for Chance

the way someone wasn't there
for your T-ball games.

- I was at those T-ball games.

- You were passed out
in your car.

- If a tree falls in the woods

and nobody's there
to hear it...

it's still in the woods.

It's just laying there...

sleeping it off.

♪ ♪

- You ready
for your game,gordo?

- Dad, we need to talk.

- An open dialogue?
That's so mature.

My little man's growing up!

- The team voted,

and we don't want you
to be our coach anymore.

- You're a baby, and you don't
know what you're talking about.

- I'm sorry.

Nobody gets into T-ball
to fire their dad.

- I-I have the coach's hat.

- Yeah, and I'm gonna need
that back for the new guy.

- Aw, man!
Did we miss it?

sh**t!

- Wait, wait, wait.

Your--your grandpa
is taking my place?

- And me.
I'm the third-base coach.

My first rule is no more
overly positive cheers like,

"Losing isn't hard to do when
we lose to friends like you."

- It's catchy, and it makes
everyone feel good.

- We've been faking it!

Grandpa and tío Oscar promised
to make us champs!

I want a trophy, dog!

- Are you sure, Chance?

As in maybe give
your old man a second one.

- Sorry, just like me,
you only get one.

♪ ♪

- Hi, Mom.
Why are you mopping?

I just cleaned
the floors this morning.

- I see you think that's true.

- At least it's the kitchen,
not the bedroom.

I feel really weird about you
organizing my sex toys.

- Oh, no, don't worry.
I disinfected them first.

They're cooling off
on the stove.

What are you doing here anyway?

Shouldn't you be
at Chance's game?

Did you ask your boss
for the time off?

- No, because like I told you,
she just gave me a raise.

I'm not gonna leave her
to close by herself.

- That's sweet, how you're
bending over backwards

for a total stranger.

If only you had
the same level of dedication

to your own child.

- Mommy, we won!
I hit a home run!

- Yeah, it was a great night
for everyone.

They won their game,

and I was nominated
to run the snack booth.

- You don't miss
being the coach?

- No, I am loving
the opportunity to show Chance

how to bounce back
from rejection

with grace
and a mandatory hairnet.

- Get ready
to bounce again, bro...

'cause the kids hated
your figs in a blanket,

- Okay, let's get you
upstairs, papa.

- Damn, I'm exhausted, man.

Those kids don't listen.

They complain, and when you
need 'em, they disappear.

- It makes sense
they made you their leader.

You know, Mayan knows the game,
and she's great with kids.

If she was there,
she could help you,

and Chance could have
a parent at the games.

- I'm there.

- Stick to the figs there,
Snack Efron.

I'd love Mayan to help,
but she can't get off work.

- She only thinks
she can't get off work.

Come here.

Just like she thinks
that these floors are clean.

It takes a village
to raise a perfect mom,

and I am that village.

- She just took the dog.

You think that's something
we need to worry about?

- I think we should be worrying
about what's for dinner.

- Now, who can tell me what's
wrong with this sentence?

"Always play fair
unless you're losing,"

which is why
I want to introduce you

to your newest teammate,
Robbie,

AKA the Mexicutioner!

- Yo.

- We work out at the same gym.

- Robbie mostly plays football.

- How does that help us?

- Okay, imagine Coach Oscar

is the first baseman
on the other team.

Robbie comes up at bat.

He gets a hit,

and I yell,
"Send 'em home, Robbie!"

And boom!

Out for the rest of the season!

Look who it is.
- I know, I know.

I'm Betty cr*cker.

- You can say that, not me.

- I just wanted
to show the team

that when life gives you
lemons, you make lemon bars.

- You know what?
I know you're upset.

You can drop the act, okay?

There aren't any kids around
to hear you.

- One of these days,
when you least expect it,

I will find something you love
and ruin it for you.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Who do we have here?

Hey, Churro.

What brings you in today?

That's your cue.

- Oh, I thought you read
their minds or something.

I'm worried
about her bad breath.

- Oh.

Well, given that they lick
their butts throughout the day,

you got to cut 'em
a little slack.

Hmm, looks good.

I'll give you
some dental treats.

Anything else I can do for you?

- Yes, you can start
treating my daughter

with a little respect.

- I'm sorry.

I respect you, Churro.

- No.
My daughter is Mayan.

- Your Mayan's mom?
- Oh, I know.

We look like
we could be sisters.

And I need you
to let her off work early

so she can attend her son's
T-ball games on Thursdays.

[door opens]
- Hey, Dr. Pocha, I--

Mom? Oh, my God,
what's wrong with Churro?

- Nothing.
Your mom just came down

to ask if you can leave early
for your son's T-ball games.

- She what?

I'm so sorry, Dr. Pocha.

Her brain's been pickled by
huffing Jean Nate and Fabuloso.

I'll take care of this.
- Okay.

I'll let you two talk.

This mother-daughter dynamic
is why I came in one weekend

and spayed myself.

[chuckles] I didn't.
[both laugh]

Or did I?

- I can't believe
you showed up at my work

and confronted my boss--
I'm so embarrassed.

- What? You weren't going
to do it, so I did.

I'm a doer.

- This isn't double-mopping
my floors

or asking my gyno
to look a little deeper.

This is my place of work.

How is my boss supposed
to respect me

when my own mother doesn't?
- Okay.

It's not even my fault.

If you want to blame someone,
blame your father.

- Ho-ho, I will.

Wait, for what?
- Yeah.

He was complaining
like always, saying,

[imitates George] "Oh, coaching
these kids--it's too hard.

"I'm overwhelmed.

"I don't know
how to be a husband,

"a father, a lover, a coach.

Orale."

And then he asked me to come
speak to your boss, so I did.

It could've been
so much worse, Mayan.

- Okay, so you were trying
to respect me,

but Dad put you
in a bad situation.

I'm sorry, Mom.
- [groans]

All is forgiven--

not forgotten but forgiven.

♪ ♪

- Coach Grandpa,
I'm so uncomfortable.

Why do I have to sleep
on my glove?

- Quickest way to break it in
is to sleep on it

with a baseball inside.

- You should do it.

You weigh, like,
five times more than me.

- All right, first,
no body-shaming,

and, second, you're higher up,
so gravity makes you heavier.

- Dad, I need to talk to you.

- If this is about his weight,
don't go there.

Someone's delicate tonight.

- Chance,
put on your headphones.

- Ooh, you're in trouble.

- Mom, said you sent her
to tell my boss

to let me leave early.

- What? I didn't tell her
to do anything.

And even if I had,

name one time that that
woman's ever listened to me--

even when we used
our safe word, "chorizo."

- Gross, and don't gaslight me.

- I would never gaslight you.
Gas is way too expensive.

You know what?
I can prove that she's lying.

Quinten, get in here.

Presenting my star witness--
Gringo Starr.

- What's going on?

- Uh, hey, you were there
when I was talking to Rosie.

Did I tell her to go to Mayan's
work and talk to her boss?

- No, Rosie made some ominous
comments and kidnapped the dog.

I was gonna stop her,
but I did not want to offend

the only person
who can get our floors clean.

[clears throat]

- Yeah, you see?
Innocent.

- I don't know
what's more shocking--

that you told the truth
or that Mom lied to me.

- Well, she probably
gaslit you, too.

I mean, she's got a good job.
She can afford many gallons.

The good thing is
that I'm here now,

you know, to defend myself
against those lies.

- Wow, you think
she's done this before--

blamed you for things
that she's done?

- Uh, yeah.

She wanted me
to seem worse than I am.

I'm bad enough.
I don't need her help.

- Ooh, Grandma's in trouble.

- You're not supposed to hear
with those on.

- Ooh, now I'm in trouble.

- I'm here.

Where did Churro vomit?

I brought my special blend
of Fabuloso and lighter fluid.

- The only thing
we'll be cleaning up today

are your lies...

Menti-Rosie.

- What's the viejo
talking about?

- Mom, there's no Churro vomit.

I lied to get you over here

because I know Dad didn't ask
you to show up at my work,

and we need to talk about it.

- Did he tell you this?
And you believed him?

He's a liar.
He fakes his diarrhea.

There, we talked about it.

- Quinten confirmed it.

- [sighs]

You're never gonna clean
our floors again, are you?

- I got out my diaries
because now I need to know

what childhood traumas
you blamed on Dad

and which ones were you.

- So buckle up, bruja!

Because all your gas
is coming to the light!

- When we're done here,

we really need to explain
gaslighting to you.

Just keep score,
Vanna Whiteboy.

- Here's my top-ten traumas
from the early aughts.

Trauma number one--

the time nobody showed up
to drive me home,

and I was left at Ross
for five hours.

Mom or Dad?

- Surprise, your dad.

- I thought Ross
was the babysitter.

- Okay, that's one for George.

- Number two--

the Easter egg hunt
with no eggs.

Mom said you used all of them
to make an Easter eggnog.

- Not possible--
I spent every Easter in Vegas

with Bunny Perez.

And she assured me
that she didn't have any eggs.

- I forgot to put them out.
- Okay, that's a Rosie one.

- Dead hamster?

Let legally blind grandma
cut my hair?

Deported uncle?
- [laughs]

[upbeat music]

- Decapitated Barbie?

Dead hamster number two?

Girl Scout scam?

I think we could use
a little snack break.

- Two dead hamsters?

We got to keep your parents
away from Churro.

- I'm gonna post this
on my Instagram.

Rosie la reinais to blame-a.

- Yeah, you're really having
fun with this, huh?

- I always knew you were
poisoning Mayan against me.

- Congratulations.

You finally have proof
that I am not the perfect mom.

But guess what.
I've known that for years.

- Why are you agreeing with me?
Is this what gaslighting is?

- [sighs] Ay.

You remember that summer that
Mayan stayed at my sister's,

and I told you that it was

because I needed
bunion surgery?

- Yeah, yeah,
you went to Mexico.

- I never went to Mexico.

I dropped Mayan off,
went back home,

pulled down the shades,
got in bed,

and cried
for three weeks straight.

Later, I found out
I had a nervous breakdown.

- Wow, I'm--I mean, is that
what the doctor said?

- Ay,doctor?
I couldn't afford a doctor.

I saw that on "Grey's Anatomy."

- I mean, uh,
how come you never told me?

- Because you being gone
was part of it.

[sighs]
I was working three jobs,

trying to start a new business,

raising a kid who was
heartbroken after we split up.

I was just trying
to hold it together

until I couldn't.

- Wow, I mean,
you never said anything.

Every time I saw you,
you looked hot.

- Thank you.

I know.

- Mayan never said anything.

- Oh, Mayan didn't know.

I wanted to be perfect for her

because everything
in her life wasn't.

But I just couldn't keep it up.

So, yeah...

sometimes
I threw you under the bus...

when I screwed up.

That's how I survived.

- [softly] Wow.

- Let's move
to the middle-school years.

- Yeah, we don't have to go
through this.

I recognize this.

These were
all the mescal years.

Yeah, you know what?
Those are all me.

Winner, winner!
Pollo Loco dinner!

- This is not a game
you want to win.

- I'm okay with that.

What do you know
about winning anyways?

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

- You want a drink?
- Sure, what do you got?

Oh, remembering
all the mescal years

made me thirsty for...

mescal.

- [chuckles]

You know, a lot of that stuff
on that last list was my fault.

Why'd you take the blame?

- You did a great job
raising Mayan,

despite everything
that I threw at you.

And maybe
you weren't the perfect mom,

but...you were the perfect mom
for Mayan.

- You really think so?
- Yeah.

And the proof is in
that firecracker out there

in the living room.
- [chuckles]

- And I understand
why you did what you did.

I mean, let's face it.

If we played that game
listing all the wrongdoings

I did to you,
we'd run out of ink.

- Is that an apology?

- I'm starting to learn

that a little "lo siento"
goes a long way.

- Okay, so we don't have
to break out my old diaries

and read through them?
- No.

Only the dirty parts.

- Those were some good parts.

- Chorizo.

- [clears throat]
Chorizo.

- Ay, Dios mío.

♪ ♪

Okay, gordo,
ready to go kick some T-balls?

- Grandpa, we need to talk.

- Oh, my God, he's f*ring us.

- Not my call.

All the cheating was filmed

and made into a TikTok
by a mystery parent.

- Send him home, Robbie!
Whoo!

And he didn't even tag me--
what a monster.

- It was someone named
"@VannaWhiteboy."

- [gasps]

- Well, guess
I'll take my hat back.

- Actually,
I hired the perfect coach.

- Coach Mom in the house.

- How can you be coach?

I thought you weren't going
to ask to leave early.

- I didn't have to.

I told the league
it was discrimination

against working moms
to have games before 5:00 p.m.

- You used one of the three Ds?

That's the one
people are afraid of.

- Well, look who's
coming through for Chance--me.

[giggles]

Oh, because I inspired you.

- You crossed a line
and really embarrassed me.

- Oh, I know.

It was a bit much.

Lo siento.

- I forgive you.

- Aw, I forgive you, too.

- For what?
- Lots of things.

Oh, but I don't keep a list
like a little bitch.

♪ ♪