03x08 - Take My Advice...Please

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.

If you're looking for advice,

you never have to look far.

Advice is one thing, besides air and sample perfume strips,

that's always free.

Even strangers can't wait to dish out free advice.

[blowing nose]

- Is that a cold, dear?

- Yeah. - Try gargling

with salt and honey.

- Nah, the thing you need to do

is put hot paper towels on your neck

and ice packs on your ears.

- Of course, for the cost of a newspaper,

you can get free advice from real pros

like Dear Abby and Ann Landers.

Dear "Sick of my Sibling,"

don't move out. In time, you will get used to him.

Dear "Sick of my Sibling,"

you'll never get used to him in a million years.

Better move out now.

But why got to them for advice?

Abby and Ann are two siblings

who didn't speak to each other for ten years.

Face it: the world is full of too much advice.

But even professionals couldn't help in Ferguson's case,

where too much still isn't enough.

What if he came to me? Where would I start?

Would I sh**t for drastic, superhuman improvements,

or stay simple and just advise him

to buy a one-way ticket to Timbuktu?

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na, na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na, na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Just do it ♪

- Okay, Ferguson's been working up the nerve

to ask me for sisterly advice.

Why? Because Ferguson's in love.

What I mean is he's in love with someone

other than himself.

He's been bugging everyone he's ever met for love advice.

Here are some of the highlights.

First, he consulted

that universal source of major advice: Mom.

- Mom. - Uh-huh?

- Let's say there's this guy,

and let's say there's this girl.

Well, and let's say that this guy likes this girl.

- Ferguson, I have been waiting

to have this talk with you.

Now, when a man and a woman want

to have a baby and they love each other...

- So Ferguson decided to get Dad's take

on the situation.

- What do we do when, say, the woman in our life

doesn't know the man in her life exists?

- Oh, well, that happens to the best of us, Ferguson.

Yeah, yeah.

In fact, I remember my first crush...

Doreen Decklebaum.

No, wait a minute. Maybe it was Delores Delveccio.

- Dad's advice is always more like

a power walk down memory lane,

which sent Ferg in search of older, wiser relatives.

- Dear, dear, dear, dear Aunt Dorney.

I need advice about a girl.

- A what?A pearl?

- No. I like a girl.

- Would I like to have a pearl?

I'd love one, you sweet, sweet boy.

- Ferg is desperate, and I'm all that's left.

As his older, wiser, saner sister,

I guess I could help him out,

but hey, I'm also the sister he's humiliated, tormented,

double-crossed, and backstabbed since the day he was born,

so I'll just have to give him advice...

The worst advice ever.

[devious music]

[bumbling music]

♪ ♪

- Sis, you're looking very wise today.

- Thanks.

- No. No, really.

You're emanating rays of wisdom.

- Great.

- You know, there are many people

who think of you as a teenage oracle.

- Cool.

- Don't you even want to know why I'm buttering you up?

- Not really.

- Well, I'll let you in on this little secret.

I have this friend,

and this friendof mine

has this, uh, well, problem.

- Yeah. He's got you as a friend.

- [laughs]

A possessor of such rapier-sharp wit

must have a great understanding

of human nature.

- You're really desperate, aren't you?

- My friend is.

- And what friend is this, exactly?

- What friend? My friend friend.

Actually, my friend's friend.

It's for a friend of my friend.

- Okay, okay. Whatever.

Cut to the chase before we're middle-aged.

- Well, what it boils down to is,

this friend of my friend's has this...

crush on, uh, a girl.

- What girl?

- What does it matter whatgirl?

- I'm trying to get a clear picture.

- How should I know what girl? Just this girl girl.

An ordinary, typical, garden-variety girl

named Fiona.

Fiona...

With the radiant smile and the luminous eyes

and the earthshaking lilt to her walk.

I mean--I mean, uh, according to my friend.

- You mean according to your friend's friend.

- Whatever. The point is,

this girl Fiona doesn't seem to know he exists.

- Too bad.

So what do you and your friend of the friendless want from me?

- Well, you're a girl,

and my friend wrote this note.

- You mean your friend's friend.

- [groans] Actually, another friend wrote it

for my friend's friend,

so I told my other friend that I would have--

- Just read the stupid note already!

- Okay.

[exhales, clears throat]

"My dearest dear one Fiona,

"fee, fi, fo, Fiona.

"My heart goes thump, thump, tharump

"when I pass by your locker.

"Dump, dump, darump

"when I see you fill in the little bubbles

"on your geometry test sheet.

"Speak to me, and I'm yours forever.

Signed, Fer--onymous."

Well?

- I'm speechless.

- Whoa. I knew it was good, but it's that good?

- Well, I was going to make some suggestions,

but that's already so, so...perfect.

- You really think I should send it--

for my friend?

- Actually,

I think you should tell him to call Fiona right away

and read those unbelievable words over the phone.

- Over the phone?

- It's the only way, Ferguson.

A girl always wants to hear what a guy has to say

in his own voice.

- Always?

- Well, if they mew.

- Mew?

- Yeah, you know.

Each time they say your name,

they mew like a kitty cat.

- A cat?

- All girls love cats.

It's adorable.

- Um...okay, like...

"My dearest dear one Fiona--meow."

- Irresistible.

- Okay! Okay.

I'll have my friend call his friend

and tell his other friend

to call her and mew right away. Meow!

- Tell your friend to go for it.

- Meow! Meow!

- It's hard to make something that bad even worse.

- Oh, what a romantic couple.

Did you see the way Don reached into the vase

to give Nan that beautiful long-stemmed rose?

- yep. I didn't want to report him to the maître d',

but isn't that stealing?

- Marshall, it was a lovely gesture.

Didn't you notice how they couldn't stop holding hands?

- Oh, boy, did I.

It made it very hard to pass the rolls.

Mmm, and those rolls were delicious too.

- What about when Nan leaned over

during the meal to cut Don's meat?

- Oh, no, that was sickening.

- You know,

you and I could stand to be a bit more like Don and Nan.

- Well, you know, I like to cut my own meat.

- Really, Marshall, we have let the romance

dribble right out of our relationship.

Don't you think we should do something about it?

[awkward music]

- Oh, hi, Clarissa.

- Hey there, sport.

Are there any rolls out there?

I'm still kind of hungry.

- Marshall.

[miraculous music] - Yes! Yes! Yes!

It worked! Yes!

Your advice worked!

- No way! I mean, it did?

I mean, of course it did.

I mean, no way!

- My note was a hit. I mean, my friend's note.

Eh, my friend's friend.

Oh, you might as well know. That was my eloquent note.

I am the winner in a game of romance.

- You read that note?

- Beautifully, if I do say so myself.

- And you mewed?

- Irresistibly. - Who is this girl?

- I, Ferguson W. Darling, have a date with Fiona.

Meow.

but what do I do next?

- Don't look at me. - I'm your faithful student.

Lead me!

- Well...all right.

I guess I could throw a little more advice your way.

Now, on a first date,

a girl loves to do stuff together, like...

laundry. - Laundry? Really?

- Trust me.

And then after that,

you can weed together.

- You mean read.

- No. A girl loves weeding a garden on a date.

- I don't ever recall you weeding on a date.

- Sure, sure I did.

And then when you're done with that,

you can hop down to the mall for pizza,

but really hop.

- Hop?

- I know.

Tell him to sip a milkshake

through a straw stuck up his nose.

- Good one.

I don't get it, Sam.

I keep giving Ferguson nothing but the worst, most ridiculous,

most disgusting advice I can think of,

and it keeps working.

- Maybe there's something wrong with this girl.

- The word is, she's normal.

- If she's normal, she'll cr*ck.

- She better.

I actually told Ferg-face

to give Fiona his blankie.

- That disgusting,

drool-caked rag he sleeps with?

- It was tough to get him to part with it,

but I convinced him it would send Fiona over the edge.

- Thanks for letting me carry your books.

- My pleasure, Fiona.

- It's great to see a man who's not afraid

to let a woman hold open the door, so to speak.

- You can hold open the door any time.

- And thanks again for your blankie.

I never knew you were so vulnerable.

- I try not to let my strength overwhelm my sensitivity.

- And you're sure you can sleep without it?

- I'll just have to be strong.

Bye, Fiona.

See you at the dance, mon cherie.

- Bye, Fergy.

- Oh, hi, sis.

Thanks for the great advice.

Having her carry my books-- who'd have thought?

- Yeah. Who?

Well, I'm so happy things are working out so well.

- No big deal.

I can get by without my blankie for a few days.

I don't have to actually let her keep it, do I?

- I'm afraid so.

- [sighs dreamily]

Now I know what they mean by "love is pain."

[doorbell rings]

- Oh. I'll get it.

Marshall!

[blossoming harp chords]

For me? - Yeah.

They're your favorite flowers.

- Really? White roses?

Oh, they're, uh, magnolias.

- Yeah. I thought magnolias were your favorite flower.

- [sneezes, groans] - Bless you.

- I've always been allergic to magnolias,

but it's the thought that counts.

- I was sure you liked magnolias--oh.

Oh, maybe that was Doreen Decklebaum.

Yeah.

- I'll, uh, put these outside.

- Janet, I can explain. Honey. Honey.

[telephone rings]

- I'll get it!

Hello?

Oh, hi, Fiona.

Sure. Sure, I'll get him. No problem.

She sounds upset.

Probably calling to break up with him.

Ferguson, phone! It's Fiona!

Was my advice too devastating?

I just wanted her to think he's a dork,

not a deranged psychopath.

Remember, Ferguson, young love is fleeting.

- Hello? Fiona!

- You'll bounce back from this. You will.

Oh, hi.

Uh, well, you know, I've been kind of busy these days.

Well, um, it's hard to say.

I'll give you a call when my schedule frees up.

Bye, babe.

- What just happened here?

- She wants me...bad!

- She wasn't calling to break up with you?

- Hardly. The girl can't live without me.

[telephone rings]

Hey, I'll get it.

That must be Cindy.

Hello, Cindy?

Oh, Maria, love, hi.

Uh, oh, well, I'd love to talk to you,

but I've got another call coming through.

Sure, we're on for the dance.

[telephone hook clicks]

Hello? Donna.

Hey. A pre-dance study date?

Well, let me see if I can schedule you in.

- This can't be happening.

- I better take this where I can get some privacy.

- How can all these girls be calling you?

- Just call me the love doctor,

and the doctor is in.

[clicks tongue] Hang that up for me, would you, sis?

- And everyone's brain must be out.

Somehow, in some strange way, I've created a monster.

- Hey, what happened to my love connection?

- A love monster.

- ♪ Na-na-na-na na na ♪

- Okay, it's no great shock

that Ferguson thinks he's ready to join

the Stud-of-the-Month Club.

What's really weird is that

all girls in his class seem to think so too.

They're treating him like he's Rudolph Valentino,

the greatest lover of the silent screen.

Now, that's a scary thought.

As a silent-film star, at least he'd have to shut up.

[dramatic piano music]

[traditional woodwind music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

For the sake of all girlkind everywhere,

Ferguson has got to be stopped.

Every time I give Ferguson bad advice, it works for him,

so I'll just have give him really good advice

and let it backfire.

And for Ferguson,

the best-worst advice I can think of

is "Be yourself."

[creepy organ music]

- Increase simulated drool drippings .%.

Add a little bleach to give it some character.

What are you doing here?

- What's with the blankie factory?

- Well, it worked so well with Fiona,

I've decided to give all my dates

my very own special lifelong blankie.

Now, If you don't mind, I have work to do.

- Well, with the big dance coming up and all,

I just thought you could use a little bit more advice.

- [laughs] I already have...

ten dates lined up for the dance.

What would I need advice from your for?

- I'm older, wiser-- - And less popular.

- Hey, my advice made you who you are.

What happened to "Please, sis, you're the teenage oracle"?

- Listen, sis,

it's always difficult

when the student surpasses the teacher.

Oh, wait. If you'll excuse me,

I'm running a little late for Maria right now.

- Well, I was just gonna tell you to be yourself.

- Ooh, don't we wish we could all be me?

Too bad I can't date them two and three at a time.

It's quite an embarrassment of riches.

- Embarrassment? I'll say it is.

- How about we get together for a late, romantic dinner

next...next Friday?

- Next next Friday is the first screening

of the museum's new film series,

but I could do an early dinner.

- No, see, early is no good. I signed up for that

"Fun With Bathroom Fixtures"seminar.

Um, how about the week after?

- Oh, let's see...oh.

Our lecture series gets underway then.

What are you doing, Marshall?

- We're just gonna have to grab romance on the run.

Now look into my eyes.

- Where are those little green flecks I'm so crazy about?

- Flecks? I don't have any flecks.

- Oh, maybe Joey Russo had the, um...green flecks.

- And I thought I was unromantic.

- Marshall, wait. I can explain.

- And I thought I was having trouble

with Ferguson's love life.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.

- Fiona, hi.

- You're Fergy's big sister, right?

- Actually, I prefer to think of myself as Clarissa.

- Really? I like being thought of

as Ferguson's girlfriend.

Is Fergy around?

- Actually, Fergyjust left.

- Really? We were supposed to darn our socks together.

- You mean you actually like that idea too?

- Fergy makes doing chores fun and profitable.

We got my mom to pay us a dollar a sock.

- Maybe you guys do belong together.

Except you seem nice.

- Fergy's nice...to me. He's really different.

- That's one way to put it.

- He's smart and cute

and funny and modest. - Modest?

Fiona, don't you think he's a bit full of himself?

- Oh, that's just a facade.

But he wasn't afraid to reveal

the shy, sensitive guy beneath the surface.

What other guy would dare to give the girl he likes

his blankie,

the one special object

he treasures most in the whole world?

Now I treasure this blankie, too--

the blankie he grew up with,

the blankie he held onto as a child.

The blankie-- - Enough with

the stupid blankies, already. I can't take it.

All these yucky, icky, drooly blankies he's passing around.

- What? [dramatic chord]

- Uh, what were you saying?

- Did you say "blankies"?

- Did I say "blankies"? Well, I meant "blankie."

Uh, well, a blankie is a blankie is a blankie, right?

- I knew it. I knew there was someone else.

There's another girl, right? And another blankie?

- Well...

- Clarissa. - Actually.

- Tell me!

- He's been kind of, well, manufacturing blankies.

- Manufacturing them? For what?

- For all his...

you know. Friends.

But, you know, Fiona, you do have the original,

authentic, % Ferg blankie. It's the only real one.

- Do you mean to tell me that Fergy's giving--

agh! And here's what I think of it!

Tell Ferguson he has one less date for the school dance.

- Oh, Fiona, don't you think you're being a wee bit hasty?

- I should have realized sooner,

but I was busy too praising him.

- That's what made the other girls like him.

- Well, if I can praise him, I can bury him, too.

Clarissa?

- Yeah?

- Thanks.

- You're welcome...I guess.

Great.

Now that I've torpedoed Ferguson's love boat,

I think maybe I could use a blankie.

[tense music]

- Having this romantic dinner at home was a great idea

and you're mom's gonna love it.

- I have the camera. Is Ferguson ready?

- Yeah. Come on down, Ferguson.

- Good evening, Mother. Good evening, Father.

- You look great, Ferguson.

- Yesterday, I was a boy.

Today, I'm a man.

- Dream on.

- Ferguson, are you sure you don't need a ride?

Fiona and her folks are gonna pick me up.

- Well, in that case,

shall we begin our romantic evening, dear?

- Love to, dear.

[romantic music swells and fades]

- Um, Ferguson,

I know this is a big night for you and all, but--

- For me, it's just another evening,

but it is a big night for my lucky dates.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Hey, Fi, babe. Where are you?

You can't.

You what?

You did?

Uh, no. No. I understand.

Bye, babe.

- Um, Ferguson--

- Uh, not now.

Well, one girl's loss is another girl's gain.

Hello. Is Maria there?

The dance? She left already?

Oh, okay.

No message.

Bye.

- Ferguson, can I give you a little advice?

- No. I'm busy.

Hello. Lindy, love. Yeah.

By any chance, could you give me a ride to the dance

or from the dance?

You can't.

You did?

Uh, bye.

- Ferguson, I'm trying to tell you,

there's something you don't know.

- What?

- They know about the blankies.

- They know about the blankies?

You told? I can't believe it! I'm ruined.

I never should have listened to your advice

in the first place. - You begged me.

- You--no, I didn't. You foisted it on me.

Okay, okay.

Look, um...

Here's what we have to do. You have to get me a date.

- Me? No way. - I need a date.

She just has to show up with me.

Then she can go. - Ferguson,

how am I gonna get you a date in ten minutes?

How am I gonna get you a date ever?

- You have to. It's all your fault.

- I should have just stayed out of the whole thing.

- Yeah.

- I should have just let you suffer.

- Yeah.

- I do feel kind of bad.

- Yeah.

- I'm just not sure if I feel this bad.

- Just forget about it.

I was never meant to get dates in the first place.

- Hold it.

Okay, I'll admit, I am a little responsible,

and I guess if it comes down to a choice

between a lifetime of guilt

or one night of personal humiliation...

I'll tell you what.

I'll walk you into the dance.

- What? I can't show up with my own sister.

That's one notch above showing up with your own mother.

- Mom! - Cut it out.

That's not funny.

- Trust me, Ferguson,

I don't want to be seen with you either.

- I don't know.

- Look, I have an idea.

Just get Mom and Dad to give us a ride.

- What have I got to lose?

Mom! Dad!

Mom!

- Is Fiona here?

- Uh...no.

She was called away

to, uh, Mozambique.

Uh, government work.

Very hush-hush.

- She dumped you, huh? - Marshall.

- Well, it's Doreen Decklebaum all over again.

- It's no big deal. I'll just need that ride after all.

Were you guys in the middle of something?

- No, it's all right.

Nothing that couldn't wait another decade or so.

- Maybe we'll just have to save romance

for when we're old, Marshall.

- You mean you don't think I'm old already?

Now, that's romantic.

[swanky music]

♪ ♪

- Come on, you love bugs. Cut it out.

both: Clarissa?

- No. I'm her evil twin. Yeah, that's it.

Her long-lost, long-suffering, soon-to-be-humiliated twin.

- I am so sorry to hear that, Nan.

Well, if it's what you both want.

All right. Bye.

Marshall, you are not gonna believe this,

but Don and Nan are separating.

- You're kidding. The world's most romantic duo?

- She says their marriage has been nothing but a charade

for years.

[swanky music]

- What a night. - How was the dance?

- Being popular can be exhausting.

- Well, Ferguson made a big splash

with some unidentified mystery woman

in dark glasses.

- Fiona was all over me.

She really is the girl for me.

We've been through so much together.

- Oh, no. Here we go again.

- Actually, sis, Fiona and I have decided

to focus on profiting off of love.

- How romantic.

- Fiona and I are going to publish

our own singles newsletter for the school paper.

Hey, sis, I might even let you write the advice column.

- Thanks, but no thanks.

In my opinion, the only advice worth taking is

"Never give advice before you're asked...

or after."

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪