01x04 - Don't Blow Your Wadska

[bunniefuu]

[Surf rock music]

So when you're with a girl,
what's your favorite boob move?

Oh, I like to do
the "combination lock."

Right, left, right...

And pull.

[Laughs]

I'm partial to the "pizza man,"

where I lightly knead them
like dough and sauce them.

[Laughs]

Another one
of my signature moves

is "putting out the candle."
[Blows]

[Laughs]

And when the ladies want
something more romantic,

I break out
the "playful kitten".

[Purrs like a cat]

[Chuckles]

Sometimes, when I'm
with european girls,

I like to give them
"the german cigarette."

[With German accent]
"Ve have vays

of making you talk."

That's the schindler's tits.

Those sound like some
righteous moves

for a couple of mclovins that
have never actually seen a pair.

[Chuckles]
Yeah, but don't forget.

There's a human being
attached to those breasts.

And that human being
is loco in the cabeza,

'cause she'll steal your money,

rip your heart out,

and take those cans
to a time-share in lake Havasu.

[Sobbing]
Sadie!

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

We learn more in this cafeteria

from social interactions

than we do in any useless
brainwashing class.

Ignore the bell, people.

Do not let it control you.

[Bell rings]

You are all cogs
in the machine!

[Gulps]

[Whispers] I still can't
believe those two are siblings.

It's really starting
to mess with my head.

[Groovy music]

[Giggles]
Stop, it tickles.

[Shudders]

Hi, guys.

Hey, Jeena.

Did you try
the corn dogs today?

They're the best things
I've ever put in my mouth.

I mean, of the things
I've eaten.

I don't just put things
in my mouth.

Like, if somebody puts
something in my mouth

that wasn't food,
I'd spit it out.

Not that I'm a spitter...

Well, I'm not a swallower,
either, I just...

[Sighs]
Did you say you tried the corn dogs?

No, I just choked down
a sausage.

[Laughter]

[Giggling]

Well, I better go
talk him down.

I'm in charge this weekend since
our parents are out of town.

Stop washing yourself
in the drinking fountain.

I will when they
install a bidet.

[Whispering]
Dude, did you hear that?

All of my virginity-losing
fantasies start with,

"my parents are out of town,"
and end with,

Mondo, you're the best lover
I've ever had."

Here's a sandwich."

I've got to get
into that house.

Too bad you're not
from planet Wadska.

He spends every night with her.

That's it.
Wadska's the key.

Oh, if your nose weren't
so phallic, I'd kiss you.

[Electrical buzzing]

Hey, Wadska.
Is that a time machine?

[Machine beeping]

[expl*si*n]

Nope.

Anyway, Woodie and I were
talking, and we realized

we hardly ever hang out
with you outside of school.

We thought it would be awesome
to have a sleepover.

Unfortunately,
my house is being,

uh, bug-bombed
and Woodie's house is...

- Oh, it's on fire.
- It's on horrible fire.

So, I'm not sure
where we can have it.

[Laughs]
I see exactly where this is going.

You do?

The sad, fat, little new kid

wants to sleep over at my house

and gain some
popularity points!

Well, you're in luck!

My parents are away
for the weekend.

Really?

Yes, we can do whatever
we want to do.

Unspeakable things.

Sounds perfect.

- And a little creepy.
- Excellent.

Then it's
a three-way-sleep-date.

Or we can call it
something else.

Oh, fine.

Then a three-man fun-gasm
it is!

See you later, genitals!

For the record,

I have not agreed
to participate in any sleepover.

Dude, I need you
to occupy Wadska

so I can hang out with Jeena.

Fine, I will be your wingman
on two conditions:

One, you have to wax
my board for a month.

And two, I get to feel
your chesticles.

It may be as close
as I'm going to get

to a girl for a while
and I want to try out

some new moves
I've been working on.

All right, fine.

Pleasure doing business
with you.

Slut.

Aren't you excited?
First sleepover in the new town?

It's not that
big of a deal, mom.

It's just Wadska's.

Of course it is,
my little cherub.

Good luck.
[Chuckles]

With Jeena.

Sweet evening, babs.
You're looking foxy as always.

Oh, hi, Ms. Teets.

We're not in school, sweetie.
Call me Voneeta.

Okay, Voneeta.

I'll have your rent check
first thing on Monday.

Thanks again for giving us
such a reasonable price

on such a nice place.

Oh, hush your suckhole,
sweetie.

Us young, attractive,
sexually progressive women

have to look out
for each other.

All right.
Well, ta-ta.

Better let you go

and get your freak-end
started, sister-girl.

I'm actually
staying in tonight.

That's surprising.

You've gone out the last
four Fridays in a row.

Three in that little
low-cut black dress.

I'm guessing.

Yeah, I'm taking the night off.

You know, with Mondo gone,

I actually have a fighting
chance of cleaning this place.

Must be nice to have choices.

For me, Friday night means
reruns of Wife Swap

and a lean pocket.

I don't even bother
defrosting them anymore.

After that, I call
the community college

radio station and dedicate
a Carrie Underwood song

to myself, just to pretend
there's someone out there

who cares about me.

Then I cry into my pillow,
pass out, and if I'm lucky,

I wake up, and it's Monday.

So anyhoo...

Wait.
You know what, Voneeta?

Why don't we have
a girls' night out?

- Really?
- Yeah.

We'll be like a couple of
Sex in The City girls.

Okay, I'll go.

Everyone says
I'm just like Samantha,

but without that mannish voice.

Hmm, right.

Oh, fantastic,
I'll wear my "do me" muumuu.

Great.
I wonder what I should wear.

The low-cut black dress!

Or something else.
It's all really the same to me.

But wear it.

I can't believe we're about
to enter Jeena's house.

She sleeps here.
She showers naked here.

She also poops here.

I know!

[Doorbell rings]

[Door creaks open]

[Sinister laughter]

Welcome, best friends
from school.

[Door slams shut]

That was the wind.
[Laughs wickedly]

I'll be with you in a minute.

Make yourself at home.

We have premium cable

and various
heterosexual magazines.

[Evilly laughs]

[Upbeat music]

[Dove coos]

Nailed it!

Now that the bird
has d*ed in vain,

we can commence the greatest
sleepover of your lives.

You got to admit,
he really commits.

We have a lot to do.
Follow me.

Welcome to my bedroom, aka,
Mr. Magorium's masturbatorium.

I just realized I'm not sleepy.

I should tell you I lost track

of my baby rattlesnake
a few weeks ago.

I'm pretty sure
he's dead by now,

but if not, no worries.

You'll have three hours
before your nervous system

completely shuts down.

Now, here are your
best friend walkie-talkies.

Please only use these
in case of emergency

or if you don't know
what room someone is in.

Tonight, I'm going
to blow you both...

Let me finish...

Away!

I have created a schedule
of activities to maximize

man-on-man-on-man joy

and raise our best-friendship
to another level.

What's "chipmunking"?

Patience.

You will find out
at closing ceremonies,

if you can last that long.

I will be right back.

I'm going to slip
into something more powerful.

- What's in that room?
- Just a closet.

[Door slams shut]

[Locks clicking]

Look, we made his hero wall.

[Suspenseful music]

This isn't a hero wall.

It's a hit list.

Wadska is the messenger
of death,

and we're next.

[On walkie-talkie]
I'm coming out of the closet.

Ladies and gentle-ladies,

it is time for our first
activity:

Pandora paintball!

But I only have
one Avatar AMP suit

and one paintball g*n.

So I will be the hunter
and you will be my Na'vi prey.

Run!
[Paintball g*nshots]

[Rapid g*nf*re]

♪ Into a circle was no life ♪

♪ I defy ♪

Both: ♪ Let the rain fall down
and wake my dreams ♪

♪ Let it wash away my sanity ♪

♪ 'Cause I wanna
feel the thunder ♪

♪ I wanna scream ♪

- Mondo?
- [Screams]

What are you doing in here?

This is my bedroom.
[Clears throat]

Sorry, I was just looking
for a place to hide.

Wadska's running around
with a g*n, hunting us.

You should probably take cover.

[Laughs]
I'll be safe.

He loves his sister.

[g*n clicks]
And he don't want to get got.

[Laughs]

So what are you up to tonight?

I have a lot of studying to do.

Well, if you need
help with anything,

I can take a break
from the sleepover...

[Doorbell rings]

Would you mind answering that?

Surely.

Hey, babe.
How's this for romance?

[Screams]

Why do you have
a rose in your ass?

Ow!

Why are you staring
at my ass, Prop 8?

And what are you doing here?

Um, um...

Having a sleepover with Wadska.

[Chuckles]
That sounds super awesome,

if "awesome" meant "gay,"

and "super" meant...
"Super."

Where's Jeena?

Oh, you're not going to want

to hang out with her, tonight.

She caught a terrible...

Period.

[Sniffs]

Nice try, chode.
That's paint.

I'll show you some blood.

It's your face's
time of the month.

Oh, is that for me?

That's sweet.

The first rose you've given me

that didn't come out
of your ass.

But don't forget,
this is a study date.

Suck it.

[Laughing]

Target destroyed.

I found another g*n.

[Giggles]
Sorry.

[Strumming ukulele]

Damn, not a lot
of sex options up in here.

What about Lonnie?

I had that fool.

But he wasn't quite, you know,
man enough for me.

Well, that doesn't
look very small.

Oh, my arms only go this close.

Haven't clapped in years.

Pupu platter for six?

I said for eight.
What the eff?

But I guess
this will have to do.

Alas, I'm probably always
gonna be single.

It's no secret why.

[Belches]
Homegirl can't commit.

Oh, [bleep].

I got pupu
on my "do me" muumuu.

Oh, God.

Oh, it's just
a little stain, honey.

It'll come out.

Oh, it's not that.

Who am I kidding?

I know it seems
like I've got it all...

Sex ed teacher,
income rental property,

Kardashian Booty...

But the truth is, babs...

[Sobs]
I'm very lonely.

You poor thing.

You know, I'm going
to make it my personal quest

to find you a good guy tonight.

[Shrieks]

Order your own, bitch!

[Chuckles]
Just kidding.

But get your own.

[Groans]

Ah.
[Gasps]

Woodie, wake up.

Hmm.
Where are we?

What's going on?

Hello again, best friends.
Don't be alarmed.

I assure you are
both in possession

of your original kidneys
and your unconscious bodies

were not violated by anyone
outside of this residence.

It is time
for our next activity!

Suspended above each...

[Breaking up]
Damn it! Son of a...

This fu... thing... balls!

Every damn time!
Ugh!

Okay, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Suspended above...

Mother...

Damn it...
Piece of...

[Sighs]
Suspended above each of you

is your key to freedom.

However, taking said key
will cause the tub

of poisonous spiders,
centipedes, and worms

to spill down on your comrade.

You have 60 seconds.
That's all.

[Timer beeps]

Woodie, you know
you're my best bud and all,

but I need to get Turk out
of here so I can get with Jeena.

Fine, but it's unlimited
chesticles, under the shirt,

bare skin to bare skin.

Done.

You have no self-esteem.

[Timer beeping]
Hmm.

I guess Wadska's...

[Screams]

How'd I get in a bathing suit?

Jeena, stop being
such a stick in the muff.

We'll get to studying
in a minute.

Hey, I wrote a song for you.
You're gonna love it.

♪ You're a lucky girl,
you get to be with me ♪

♪ You got some lucky eyes,
'cause it's me that you see ♪

♪ My hair, my abs,
my rippling pecs ♪

♪ They'd even make God erect ♪

♪ You're a lucky girl,
I'd give you me for free ♪

♪ I'm jealous of you,
you get to make love to me ♪

It's so beautiful.

How am I going
to compete with that?

Ugh!
And why am I so fat?

Ooh.

How about that guy?

Pass. I'll just be
horny an hour later.

Delicate wrists.

It'd be like bouncing
a hot dog down a hallway.

No, he's a fat person.

What about that European guy?

Oh, yo-dee-lay-me-never.

Well, hello, there, wet dream.

I see you're almost done
with your drink.

How about I get you a freshie?

My friend and I
always drink together,

so maybe you both
could join us?

[Munching loudly]

Whoa, whoa!
God, no.

I-I-I forgot
that I'm gay.

Uh, me too.

Prove it.

Put your tongues in each other's
mouth, b*tches.

[Both groaning]

Looks like we got all strikes,
and no balls.

What do you say
we go back to my place,

open up some cherry wine,
and take a dip in the hot tub?

You know how to work
a hydraulic lift, right?

Hang on, babs Brando does not
give up that easy.

Ah!

Ah, thanks.

Hmm, rough one, huh?

They don't have
to set me on fire.

They could just say, "no."

Oh, well.

How would you feel
about coming home

with me and my friend?

So let me get this straight.

To get to the princess,
I have to go through bowser.

Come on, Turk.
We have to study.

We need to be
in a relaxed state

in order to soak up
the information.

You know, studies show we should
probably take our shirts off.

Ah!

Whoa.
Wet t-shirt contest.

Grow up.

Let's go to my bedroom
so I can change.

[Laughs]
I'll race ya.

Balls.

Balls.

[Leaf blower whirring]

[Gasps]
How beautiful.

[Quietly]
Balls.

Ah!
Oof!

If you smell something, it's not me.

Little slippery shrimp
slipped down there earlier.

A little mood lighting,

some "pound sounds,"
and if you get hungry...

My sex mix, chex mix.

It's got craisins.
Mmm.

You had me
at "pound sounds."

[Imitating cell phone ring]

Oh, is that my phone?

Hello?
Oh, my God.

My son Mondo is having
a heart att*ck?

I should stop what I'm doing
no matter how erotic it may be?

Yeah, okay.

All right, sorry.
I gotta go.

[TV powers on]

[Over TV] I'm going
to Jersey Shore, bitch!

I hope her kid's okay.

Oh!

I think we both entered this
threesome under false pretenses.

But I did take
a whole flight of stairs,

and you're out 36 bucks
on drinks so...

[Bed creaking]

Let's do this thing.

[Screams]

Oh, and you should
really have a safe word.

Ah!

[Sighs]
Does this have something

to do with chipmunking?

Be patient.

The time will come.

In the meantime, here.

Take your swords.

No!

Wadska, why do you always
have to be such a spaz?

Can't we just watch a movie,
or make crank calls,

or break into your parents'
liquor cabinet,

and steal their car
like other normal teenage kids?

Okay.
Wow.

I mean, could have done
all the normal stuff,

but I wanted tonight
to be extra special.

I programmed every event based
on your personal interests.

What are you talking about?

I got sh*t in the face
with a paintball.

[Groans]
What am I talking...

Your favorite movie is Avatar.

Anyone can watch it!
I let you live it.

sh*t like a Na'vi trying
to protect his tree of souls.

And you...

Your favorite gore franchise is Saw.

But what about the bucket
full of bugs and worms?

They're gummi worms.
It's your favorite candy.

This one's so lifelike.

I'll take that.
Thank you.

Whoa, I guess we
misjudged you, bro.

Yeah, you're not really
that creepy after all.

All I do...

♪ I do for you ♪

And we're right back to creepy.

Duly noted.

[Swords clang]

Wait, guys.
Shush.

[Passionate moaning]
Oh, yeah!

Excuse me for a moment.

Oh, ha-ha!

Mondo!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I heard screaming.

I thought maybe you were
in danger, so I...

sh*t you with paintballs.

Where is Turk?

He left a while ago.

He didn't really want to study.

He didn't even bring any books.

Only this p*rn video.

I've never seen
one of these before.

Have you?

Uh, no.
Not really.

Well, it's not like
I've never seen one.

I've watched one for,
like, a minute.

Well, I mean, I watched
more than a minute.

I can watch
for hours sometimes.

Uh, I don't mean
I watch p*rn for hours.

You're twisting my words.

[Giggles]

I just wanted to see
what the big fuss was about.

But I feel like
a perv watching it alone.

Do you wanna watch with me?

Ah, yeah.
Sure.

[Animalistic moaning]
Gross.

There's no story whatsoever.

They're just going
for shock value.

Oh, no.
I paused it.

This is Family Guy.

[Groovy music]

Relax.

Come up here.

[Laughs nervously]
Oopsie.

Are you enjoying this?

Yes.
I mean, no.

Of course not.
No, no, no.

I mean, you know what
would be more fun?

[Clears throat]

[As man on TV]
Excuse me ma'am. Pants detective.

It seems your pants
have gone missing.

[Laughs]

[As woman on TV]
Why, yes, I keep touching myself

to check, but
they're still gone.

[Laughter]

[As man on TV]
Also, I brought you a pizza.

[As woman on TV]
It should be free.

It took more than a half hour,
and there's a penis in it.

[Laughter]

[As man on TV]
Ah, ma'am, you don't have to pay me

with oral sex.

I accept cash, credit cards,
and regular sex.

[Laughter]

[On walkie-talkie]
Best friend number two,

this is best friend number one.

Closing ceremonies
are about to commence.

What's your 20?

Wow, he gave you
the "best friend" walkies.

He's had them for,
like, eight years,

and you're the first friends
he's had over to use them.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, you guys must mean
a lot to him.

Best friend number two
to best friend number one.

I'm flying in.

Ah, that was the most fun I've
ever had playing "p*rn."

[Chuckles]

[Triumphant music]

Okay, welcome to
the closing ceremonies of the

three-way-sleep-date-man-
love-fest!

Also known as the everyday
average dudes' slumber-bang.

Close enough.

And now, without further ado,

chipmunking!

- Finally!
- Cool.

What the hell is he doing?

Human beings
don't bend that way.

Oh, my God!
Get those out of there!

What's happening?
[Both screaming]

So how did things work out
with Jeena last night?

Awesome.
We watched p*rn together.

Sounds like you're laying
the foundation

to a great relationship.

So what else did you guys do?

Well, I watched
a little weird dude

stuff his nuts in his mouth.

Oh, yeah.
Chipmunking.

So... What did you
do last night?

Ah, nothing much.
It was a quiet night.

[Door slams open]

You should probably burn
that mattress.

They're so ladylike.

Okay, dude.
That's enough.

Don't make this weird for me.

Uh-uh.

I never agreed
to the german cigarette.

- Yah.
- Nein.

- Yah.
- Nein!