03x20 - Hands on a Blix Van

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[music]

[horn honks]

- Oh, you cannot.

- That's impossible.

- It's easy.
Look, you do it like this.

You take your first leg
and do this,

and, see, you just take
your other leg and do this,

and...

♪ Ta-da! ♪
There.

- Where's the remote?
We need the remote!

- Here.
What's on?

- Check out the news.
- Because next Saturday,

the popular
soft drink company Blix

will be promoting
their new flavor, Zingleberry,

by having a "hands
on a Blix van" contest

at several high schools
across the country,

including California's own
Pacific Coast Academy.

- Yeah, that's right.

- And the prize
for this year's winner?

A trip for two
aboard the private Blix jet

to anywhere in the world.

- [gasps]
[laughs]

- Wait.
How does this contest work?

- Okay. They bring
in the Blix van, right?

- And everybody puts
their hands on it.

- And whoever keeps their hands
on it the longest wins.

- Sounds easy.
- Ah, not so easy.

- It can go on
for hours, days.

- Well, I am gonna win
and then I'm gonna take

that Blix jet to Milan
for fashion week.

- Wow.
That sounds horrible.

- When I win--

[chuckles]
I'm going to Alaska.

- Why Alaska?

- 'Cause I love penguins.

- There are no penguins
in Alaska.

Just in Antarctica.

[song playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ You make it hard for me
to love you ♪

♪ ♪

- Mmm.

- Tuna fish salad.

- W-what?

- You had tuna fish salad
for lunch.

- [scoffs]
How do you know that?

- Your breath smells
like tuna fish salad.

- I used my turbo
fresh breath spray!

- Doesn't work.

- [groans] Oh!

I guess maybe it was just
really powerful tuna salad

'cause my breath's never
been a problem before, has it?

- Uhh...

- Oh, my God,
I have a breath problem!

[music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God!

[girls screaming]

- Come on!

- ♪ You sleep
through all the news ♪

- Hey, hey, Lil' Lisa.
- Hey.

- You mind if I stretch
with you?

- Come on.

- [groans]
See what I got here.

[grunts]

[groaning]

One day, toes.
One day.

Ahh.
[groans]

So, I just wanted to tell you,

if I win,

I'm taking you with me
on the Blix jet.

- Aw.
And if I win...

- Yes?

- I'm taking Jeff Mitchell.

- Who's Jeff Mitchell?

- I'm kidding.
I'm taking you.

- Ow!
- No v*olence.

- Oh, come on,
just a little v*olence.

- Please?

- Hey.

- Hey, fuzzy head.

- Hey, now you promised
not to call me

"fuzzy head" anymore.

- Curly Sue?

- And now I'm liking
"fuzzy head."

- [chuckles]

- [breathing]

Stop it.

- What are you doing?

- It's an acting exercise.

- I'm creating a character,

a girl who loves having
her hands on a van.

- Oh.

You're weird.

- I may be weird,
but I'm gonna win.

- I'm gonna win.

- No, you're both gonna lose
'cause I have a strategy where--

- Hey. Hey.

Can one of you guys
help me over to the van?

You know, nice people
help the injured.

Can I get a chair,
please?

- Okay, what little game
are you playing now?

- I broke my clavicle.

- Your clavicle's
by your shoulder.

- Well, I broke something.

- Hey, what's the problem?

- I wanna compete
in the contest,

so I need a chair.

- That's not fair.

- Yeah. It's a lot easier
to keep your hands on the van

if you're sitting.

- Look, I'm sure a big company
like the Blix corporation

isn't gonna keep
a poor, injured kid

from being in this contest.

That wouldn't look too good,
would it?

- Bring this kid a chair.

[all scoffing]

- This is Carter Jensen
coming to you live

from Pacific Coast Academy,

where the second annual
"Hands on a Blix Van" contest

is about to begin.

- Okay, real quick,
the rules are:

you must keep at least one hand
on the Blix van at all times.

- Ooh! Uh, what if we
have to use the restroom?

- No worries, young man.

- I'm a girl!

[laughter]

- Well, there's
a five-minute break

after every hour,
and we'll take

a 20-minute break
after six hours.

Oh, and you can check the time
whenever you want

by looking at the big
Zingleberry Blix board

right over there.

Okay, those are
the only rules.

No-o-ow,
hands on the Blix van!

[siren whooping, cheering]

- I got it!
Hands on the Blix--

[all cheering]

- Lola, relax.

- I will not relax.

I'm gonna win this contest,
and to do so,

I must remain
entirely focused.

- Oh, look,
Brad came to watch.

- Brad?
Hey, Brad!

[buzzer]

- And she's out!

- Oh, boo.

Hey!
Brad, wait up.

- One down.
- One down.

[music]

♪ ♪

- Ugh!
[coughing]

what is going on in here?

- Oh. Come here,
come here, come here.

Smell my breath.

- [coughs]
Oh, my God.

I think I'm blind.

What did you eat?

- Tuna salad, sardines,
garlic, black coffee,

four large pickles,
and a big bite of an onion.

- Well, congratulations, Quinn.
You've achieved "stanky."

- Perfect.

- Why is "stanky" perfect?

- Because
I have "Quinnvented"

the most powerful
breath freshener known to man.

Watch this.

[machine powering up]

[spraying]

[giggling]
Whew.

That tickles the uvula.
[laughs]

Now.

Hello.

How's my breath?

- Open your mouth.

[sniffing]

Oh, my God.
Your breath smells great.

- Not even a little bad?

- No, you're perfect.

- Yay!

- How'd you make this?

- Well, it's a gaseous mixture
of benzoic acid,

sodium quazinate,
sulfuric xylitol,

peppermint glutamate,
and hydrogenated--

[laughing]
lime oil.

[laughs]

- Hydra what?

- [laughs]

Hydrogenated lime oil.

- Okay, I'm not getting
what's funny here.

- Nothing's funny.

[laughing]

- We've just passed
the two-hour mark,

and all the contestants,
except one,

still have their hands
on the Blix van.

- Aah!
- Aah!

[buzzer]

- And he's out.

- Hey, come on,
he screamed in my ear.

- My leg was hurting.

- But can't I just--
- Sorry, kid, you're done.

- You're the worst.

- If you can't handle
the competition, then drop out.

- I can handle the competition
just fine.

- I doubt it.

You're just
a little too female.

- Huh?

- Girls don't have
the k*ller instinct it takes

to win a contest
like this.

So why don't you just quit
and go bake me a muffin?

- You think I'd get disqualified
if I stabbed him with a fork?

- I think it'd be okay
if you kept one hand on the van.

- [sighs]

- Man, 2 hours and 12 minutes
goes by fast

when you're standing next
to the prettiest girl at PCA.

- Oh, who's sweet?

- Me.

- Oh, I wish someone would
kiss me someday.

[giggles]

- I'm out!

[buzzer]

- And another one
bites the dust.

- [whines]

- Hey, remind me to call
my Aunt Irma tonight, okay?

- Sure. What for?

- Oh, she bought me
this necklace for my birthday,

and I have to thank her
for it,

even though it's
the most hideous necklace ever.

- Yeah, I didn't want
to say anything,

but this is seriously ugly.

[laughs]

Whoo, that is
some hideous neckwear.

What?

- This isn't the necklace
my aunt gave me.

- Hmm?

- I made this necklace
myself.

- Oh. Oh.

That necklace.

- I can't believe
you said it's ugly.

ALL: Ooh.

- [chuckles]
Hey, now, I'll thank you

not to raise your voice at me
in front of my peers.

ALL: Whoa.
- Excuse me,

but I don't think
I got the memo

that said you were
in charge of me.

[all murmuring]

- Um, you might wanna
watch your tone

before you get a memo
tellin' you to find yourself

another boyfriend.

- Maybe I will find myself
another boyfriend.

ALL: Ooh.

- [scoffs]
Well, I can do that, too.

We're broken up.

- Duh.

- [giggling]

- Quinn! Quinn!

You've been laughing
for over two hours.

- I know.

- Why?

- I'm not sure.

I guess it's a side effect
of my breath spray.

Some of the ingredients
must've interacted

and caused
this hilarious reaction.

[laughing, gasping]

Oh, God, make it stop.

- Okay. Okay.

Don't panic.

Maybe you just need
some water.

Here, drink.

- [laughing]

[laughing]

[siren wailing]

- Okay. It's been six hours,
which means

you guys have earned
a 20-minute break.

[cheering]
- Oh.

- But make sure you have
at least one of your hands

back on that van
when the Blix clock hits



You're late, you're out.

REPORTER: The students here
at Pacific Coast Academy

have just been treated...

- There's another one
over there.

REPORTER: First real break from
the challenge of keeping...

- Thanks.
- Their hands on a Blix van.

Several teenagers have
already dropped out,

either unable or unwilling
to endure

this grueling competition.

Others students have resorted

to less than sportsmanlike
tactics

in efforts to force
their competing classmates

out of the game.

Now that six hours
have gone by,

it's gonna get
very interesting

as the remaining students fight
the urge to call it quits.

In past years, some competitors
have actually collapsed

due to pure exhaustion,
despite their best efforts

to keep one hand
on the Blix van.

I'll be staying here with...

- [laughing]

- Quinn. Quinn.

Quinn!

- [laughing]

[knocking on door]

- Hello! Hey!

Will somebody
let me outta here?

Help!

I'm stuck in a port-a-potty!

- Five minutes.

All contestants have
five minutes to finish up

whatever you're doing
and get your hands

back on the Blix van.

- Hello!

Will someone open this door
already?

- Zoey?
- Chase?

- Are you
in the port-a-potty?

- No, I'm in Switzerland.

Yes, I'm in the port-a-potty.

- Well, you better
come outta there

'cause we got
less than two minutes.

- I realize that.
This door won't open.

- Somebody put a lock
on it.

- Well, break it off!

- 20, 19, 18, 17,






- Come on.
- Come on.

- Five, four, three,
two, one.

[siren]

[applause and cheering]

- And the break is over.

Now, remember, you gotta keep
one hand on the van

at all times if you wanna win
that free trip

aboard the Blix private jet.

- I know it was you.

- Yeah, well,

I know how much girls love
spending time in the bathroom.

- You're just lucky it takes
two hands to choke a person.

- Yeah, not much you can do
to me with one hand.

- Ow.

[Quinn giggling]

- How long can this go on?

- I don't know.
[laughing]

You gotta help me
stop laughing.

- Quinn!

- [laughing]

Aah!

[song playing]

♪ ♪

- [yawns]

- [groans]

- Ah-choo!

- Eww!

[buzzer]

- And she's out!

- You forgot to say,
"Bless you."

MAN: ♪ Flowers
for Valentine's ♪

- Wow.
Do you work out?

- Uh, yeah, a little bit.

- I can tell.

You feel much stronger
than my ex-boyfriend.

- Well, well, well,
what's up, Stacey Dillsen?

You're looking
mighty fine today.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

I've never seen
such pretty eyes.

- Oh.

Well, my optometrist
would beg to differ.

I have
a double astigmatism.

And sometimes
this eye drips.

[Quinn laughing]

- Come on, let's go.

- Wait.
I wanna get some water.

[laughing]

- Oh, Mr. Patterson.

Is our test gonna be
multiple choice or--

Hey.

Did you--

- Yeah, it's a toupee.

It looks fake, huh?

- No. It looks great.

- Doesn't look silly?

- Not at all.

- [laughing]
Hi, Mr. Patterson.

[laughing]

- I knew it.

- [laughing]

- Come on!

- And that's what happened
on my seventh birthday.

Now, my eighth birthday is one
I'll never forget.

My Uncle Felix brought over
one of those miniature ponies--

I think they're called
"Shetlands,"

and when I went to pet him,
he bit me

right here
on my knuckles.

And then, a few hours later,
I started to feel woozy,

so my mother took me
to a doctor,

a pediatric specialist,
and he said I was having

some kind of reaction
from the pony saliva.

They call it
"horse madness."

- I will give you $12
to stop talking to me.

- So, if you wanna get together
sometime,

my digits are 7--

- Hey, just keep your digits
to yourself.

- Hey, I'm having
a conversation.

- Yeah, well,
conversation's over.

Just stop talking
to my woman.

- Your woman?

- Yes.

The only woman
I ever loved.

- Oh, Michael.

- Hey, look, man.

- No, no.
I'm not looking at a man.

I'm looking at a chump.

- Chump?
- Yeah. That's right.

I'll still b*at you.
I'll b*at you.

You're top-heavy.
- Oh! Oh!

[buzzer]
- And he's out!

- [laughs]
- Oh, come on! I'm not out!

- Hey, the Blix man
said you're out.

Come on, Blix people.
Get this chump out of here.

I'm, uh, I'm sorry
I besmirched your necklace.

- I'm sorry I overreacted.

- Will you still be
my Lil' Lisa?

- Michael.

[buzzer]

- And they're both
outta here!

- That's all right.

- We don't care.
- Yeah.

We're gonna go try
to touch my toes.

- [laughs]
Good luck.

- Hey, that's cold.

- [yawns]

- How many people are left?

- I think just you, me,
Logan, and Stacey.

- I can get rid of Stacey
whenever I want.

- How?

- Hey, Stacey.

- Is that you, Logan?
- Yeah.

If you take both your hands
off the van,

you can be my girlfriend
for a week.

- Sold!
[screams]

[buzzer]

- And she's out!

- Aah!

[sobs]

My first relationship!

I'm gonna go put on
some lipstick and a skirt.

- [laughing]
Where are we going?

- To cure you.
- [laughing]

- Hello, Mark.

- Why is she laugh--

- Just come here.

- [laughing]

- Watch closely, Quinn.

- What are you gonna do--

- [laughing]

Lola!
- Aah!

[both struggling]

- How dare you make out
with my boyfriend

right in front of me?

- I did it to cure you!

- What?!
- You're not laughing anymore!

- Oh.

Oh, yeah.

It did work.

I guess that, um,
by stimulating

the anchor receptors
in my brain,

it overruled
my involuntary laughter reflex.

- Yeah, yeah.
Just get--get off me!

- [groans]
[sighs]

I'll text you later,
sweetie.

Come on,
let's get a javaccino.

- Come back any time.

I love this school.

[music]

♪ ♪

- [yawns]

- Zo.

Zo, you gotta stay awake.

- I will, right after
I take an itty-bitty nap.

- Zoey.

- Hey, Val.
She took her hand off!

- No, I didn't!

- Look, he's standing up!

His leg's fine!
He was faking!

- Ow! Oh! Oh!

[buzzer]

- And he's out!

- What? Me?

[groans]

- I don't think you really need
that chair, do you?

- Um, well, I-I guess my leg is
feeling a little better.

- Kick his butt, Zo.

- I'll take him.

- You wish.

- Nnn!

- It's 10:27 p.m.
here at Pacific Coast Academy,

where the "Hands on a Blix Van"
contest...

Believe it or not,
it's been over 19 hours

since this contest began,
so it's hard to believe

that two teenagers,
Zoey Brooks...

Soon it'll be dawn
here at PCA

where this year's
"Hands on a Blix Van" contest

is taking a heavy toll
on two students,

both of whom are determined
to keep a hand on a Blix van

no matter what.

It's morning here at PCA,
and it's down

to the last two competitors
who are still hanging on,

as a crowd
of their fellow students

stand by watching
the drama unfold.

Now it's just a question
of who wants it more?

- Hey, wanna make a deal?

- What kind of deal?

- One where we both win.

- Talk.

- If we both take our hands
off the van

at the exact same time,

then they'll have to call it
a tie

and give us both
the prize.

- You're smarter
than you look, Brooks.

Let's do it.

- On three, together.

both: One, two, three.

[buzzer]
- And he's out!

The winner of this year's
"Hands on a Blix Van"

competition, winning
two tickets on the Blix jet

to wherever she wants,
Zoey Brooks!

[cheering]

- Wait a minute.

She tricked me.

- Yep. I guess girls do have
the k*ller instinct

it takes to win,
don't we?

- We made a deal.
You can't just--

- Logan! Logan!

You still have me.

Come on, boyfriend!

[cheering]

[applause]

- Please?

- You're as light
as a cupcake.

- Bye.

WOMAN: ♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

- That tickles the uvula.