a dozen eggs two dozen eggs a bag of
rice a sack of rice cereal bread
anti-aircraft g*n
sorry that's he's taken oh by the
Invisible Man
he'll do his bit quiet isn't he which is
surprising in a way since you've just
tossed a hardback right between his legs
don't be frightened Henry I'll look
after you oh crap my thigh oh the number
of men you must have said that I can
manage thank you is there any danger of
you helping me out with the washing out
oh I'm watching the telly mom not for
long I hope or I may have to put you up
for adoption
I just hope ever adopts me gives me a
bit of peace when I'm watching the telly
Oh oh thanks Chris tomorrow's Friday you
know what that means
of course means today's Thursday how
would you like the face the soft as your
hands so twice right mr. Bhatt so it's
very nearly the weekend
you promised me by the weekend you'd
have a career I know mrs. happen but I
haven't made I managed to lay my hands
on one yet I understand that Chris but a
certain commander Richard Beamish may
not and as guarantor of my Benjamin he's
gonna be frothing at the Mainbrace and
very probably ready to tar and feather
you and look a bit daft at the job
centre it's all right Monica I'll get it
hello hello Richard
I see you've put your ad in at the news
agents a freelance typing oh yes
remember to win actually one for
freelance typing and one for Japanese
massage well-known for the Japanese
massage but literally heat for the
typing literally how many literally none
and wipe that smug look off your face
what was it I said if you got one single
reply I'd eat my hat yes fine I'm gonna
buy you a pizza
how's your writer's block still solid
but you know I told you I'm quite
willing to keep on paying you till I
give you my next chapter no Richard
sorry I'm not a parasite not exactly
well that's not very fair it comes from
Huddersfield right I'll be round for
breakfast in the morning and when I get
hold of it where's the pose you could do
that Richard but it would give you never
such a high pitched voice I don't like
people threatening me behind my back
threatened you to your face
would you mind having a word with your
pilots to keep the noise down
tell them there are people trying to
lift out look in the bright side mrs.
hatten those planes are full of tourists
bringing much-needed foreign currency to
these shores stay at home and send a
check well if it's any consolation
London gets its own back when they try
the food last night we did this is it
you know it's a great shame that paper
saucepans were never invented that way
we could just throw everything away but
darling that would involve you in a
strenuous trick to the waste bit not
afraid of exercise look I think we can
actually do without plates all together
I mean I could just pour the supper
straight onto the table you lot could
all lick it off with your time then all
we'd have to do at the end of the meal
is close each other down I think she
reckons that's a pretty good idea spot
of grease takes one to know one
I hate to add to your colossal workload
Monica but I'm gonna be out moser
tomorrow job hunting so you'd have to
make dinner for everyone I'm too young
to die versus happy okay you're not
she's not that bad really
how bang is a mass of quite edible fish
I can't wait I mean it's no secret uh
but after your banger since the day I
moved in maybe throw another moldy
cheese for the rat
this may be the moment Hey Oh coop
tomorrow I'll give you a taste of what
lies in store for the discerning palates
of those who will one day crowd the
tables at my Scottish restaurants back
in a trice
he seems keen this is a good idea mrs.
happen letting that mad Scotsman loosen
our stomachs what exactly is a trust
ah a trice well it's like a tick only
three times as long or half a tick six
times as long I mean one of my men you
very much a rough draft but in a lot too
distant future people will feast their
eyes on the final vessel Highland
hotchpotch Sookie all stew that sounds
yummy
man a haggis well that's very festive
and crap it hides there I asked what
crap it hides are something at rotten
clap it hides involve oatmeal haddock
heads and Havok livers sounds even worse
than my first guess moose McAlpine and
so the last one sounds right up your
street
well what do you think hey doesn't seem
to be a big rush to book a table does
that I think it sounds delicious
but I run my evening meals on a very
tight budget Hamish
what about Highland hotchpotch that
sounds relatively cheap or does it
involve shipping a side of venison down
from a distant glen enough I invented
Highland hotspots as a suitable dish for
relatively impoverished diners
you just described us what do we need
now let's see nick of mutton onions
carrots turnips I hate doing it so do I
turn ups cauliflower oatmeal I hate
oatmeal I love oatmeal
so do I owed meal there anything else
we'll need yeah alka-seltzer
I love alka-seltzer
oh no this should cover the ingredients
via Highland hotspot so which we're all
looking forward I hope it's enough in
fact I insist it's enough we'll be a
tight squeeze mrs. happy but us master
chefs are very resourceful
is Chris up yet shaving as I left he may
have finished by now in which case
you'll probably be a busy embracing the
mirror it didn't happen to mention that
I got a career plan did it
no why this is why
come out of the basement
yes and yes it is a lovely morning isn't
it Richard ah sorry good morning Sheila
Bridge to engine run all hands on deck
always peckish at the prospect of combat
so what's for breakfast absolutely
anything you like as long as it's
toasted marmalade oh you really
shouldn't spoil these that well not too
bad thanks house yourself
I should tread warily Chris this man is
a coiled spring now look he hasn't
actually got his career plan together
yet have you love yes so it's no you
sh*t pardon yes
well I'm glad that's all sorted out can
you pass the milk anything interesting
in the papers yes
jump in it just a minute a few details
chummy if you please details well it
keeps me as that was shaving I was just
looking in the mirror oh you proceed any
further I'm only interested in the
career plan that's contained within the
boundaries of reality I say this because
it is common knowledge that your
overriding priorities are pestering
women and blow-drying your alright
alright I just wanted him to know in
advance there are no vacancies for
gigolos in Chizik you're on Chris you're
looking in the mirror a man who should I
see but this really tasty looking guy
Hamish with a first class honours degree
in charisma Hamish and a glittering
career ahead of him as a world-class
model you're gonna be a male model well
it's not really cut out to be a female
one I know what you're thinking
in that case perhaps you'd be good
enough to pass me a blunt instrument
you're thinking will this pay the rent
no no that's what I'm thinking you know
I hate to say this mom but I think he
could be a model well thank you I mean
uh isn't he
yes well time I started making the
rounds I can't understand why no one
ever thought of this before Richard will
you be joining us for us I'm cooking and
I promise nothing less than a magical
experience wouldn't miss it for the
world
brought your hat with you yes why mmm
dear sir or madam I have narrated my
latest novel frozen dreams on to the
enclosed cassettes I would be grateful
for a tight transcription two copies
please i enclose a check for a hundred
pounds as a down payment on your fee
yours faithfully Millicent babe all
right so I was wrong I trust you'll be
magnanimous in victory should I'm not
one to gloat
yes what time I was off to the zoo I
want to study a tiger at close-quarter
is this research for your blockbuster
yes hopefully gripped Lomax will be
grappling with the tiger Chapter six
why well presumably so they've got an
excuse to grapple with a new v*olence in
Chapter seven never thought of that
I like it well done I'll see if they
haven't got room for a male model in the
monkey house I've been framed so the
shadowy figure in the doorway call for
the whole portal of I am zealand pop him
with your bed socks do sodden pillow she
cried adding it to the floor
Millison Bates is a bit of a goer isn't
she miss Pierre by any chance a bronze
ski instructor
there's non bronzer and am i right in
thinking that our eyes first met over a
glass of gluhwein and a Jacuzzi bang on
and a my father right in thinking that
Angelica is on the run from a finishing
school in San Moritz but you have no
choice after the gardener groped her in
the idol base are you psychic a mister
are you in fact Millicent Bates hardly
well how do you know all this
international airports are littered with
this romantic trash mrs. hatten and I'm
ashamed to say I've read literally
dozens of them I mean you've got to do
something between pointing out the three
exits and serving up the plastic dinners
are you saying that frozen dreams is a
published book i but it's not a patch on
desire among the dunes yes but why would
an innocent base want me to type out a
published book good question isn't it
just I think I may know the answer hey
Misha this is our little secret where
you going I'm gonna pay one sweet
old-fashioned raver a little visit
is that frozen dreams your first book
mini
yes and and you just dictated it from a
handwritten draft did you yes would it
be possible for me to have a tiny peek
at the handwritten draft oh I didn't
intentionally but a handwritten draft
yeah I just sort of thought it all up on
the stopped and spoke it into the
recorder like he told me to Millie are
you absolutely sure that frozen dreams
is all your own work I mean really
really sure oh because I was just
wondering if perhaps there was the
tiniest little possibility that you
might have been put up to it by a
certain ex-naval gentleman with a shiny
head I am a pincher
he was very generous I don't blame you
Millie I must admit I rather enjoyed
reading it it's that beaten deer Bend
and Chevy where they had to throw up the
water did was a bit far-fetched
experience
is it absolutely compulsory to have the
Highland hodgepodge mrs. Edna do you
think Hamish would mind awfully if I
just had numbers instead I think he'd
make an omelet up you know but what if
we don't like it I'm sure you'll come to
our rescue Henry how do you mean you're
a medical man presumably you have access
to a stomach pump it's all right Monica
I'll get it well if it isn't Bonnie
Prince Charlie the young pretender
you've never seen me like this before
have you nope but then you're full of
surprises aren't you Richard well what
do you think things considered I think
you deserve a hearty slap on the sporran
oh my mother is a McKillip Amos I wear
the talking with pride how is your tiger
well you know sort of them stripy one
word about my legs chummy could well be
your last do you have a cat mrs. hatten
not that I know of must be the turnips
how'd you get on today oh I'm on my way
mrs. hatten I am on my way splendid I'll
give you a lift to the station I mean
I'm on my way to the top you've been
taken on by model agency the very
dynamic one of their clients did a
damned rough commercial last week oh
that's some sort of pinnacle is it
lassies and laddies please take a seat
dinner is served this table hasn't look
like this season well let's face it this
tables never look like this window damn
I clean forgot to bring a bottle no
problem I've already got about 15 cups
to say of Anglia typing out that
original one-off manuscript I've got a
real first do you find it a promising
novel well it doesn't pretend to be Jane
Austen yes I agree
Hamish played me a bit in fact all it
really pretends to be its Millicent beef
dim the lights a wee bit the ambience I
strive for is best achieved at carat our
means in the dark but this looks as bad
as it smells great I mean we are talking
seriously scrumptious absolutely
first-rate but until then you prefer an
omelette you prefer an omelette I admit
I had reservations but I was wrong very
wrong
it's really quite excellent yeah well
it's the x-factor that elevates it to an
art form the x-factor culinary jargon
for Knox Nokia food wise and indeed
every wise I think you're just
prejudiced against Scottish cooking not
true my favorite dish happens to be
Scots and what's that a Big Mac I should
just ignore him Hamish or better still
disembowel him could be the moment for
another photo I owe posterity a record
of his epicurean time my hair do what I
do what
please act naturally I'll select my
moments you heard what the man said
Richard act naturally to do something
devious Hey mmm my modeling agency
insists I get some photos together
fairly sharpish so well in an ideal
world that offer David Bailey the job
but I can't help feeling your estimate
might be more competitive
you were a good photographer my
photography is every bit as good as my
cooking so I'm afraid there's no chance
of any photographs all you've done fool
justice to my Highland hotspot hmm magic
real taste of heaven situation gives me
great pleasure to give you a second
helping
color film because I think they'll agree
that Chris's skin has a very interesting
green colic he could do a present be
commercial something the matter Sheila
tricky dicky
now what is that supposed to me I went
to see Millicent Bates today need i say
more
I see grassed on by a granny shall we
step outside I'd hate to see your blood
on my liner now dare you try to push
money in my direction like that now what
is wrong with a bit of harmless
generosity harmless generosity are you
any idea how it made me feel I know
storm signals when I see them I'm just
beginning to understand why they named
arrogance after women Richard I know
you're very comfortably off and I'm only
too aware that I'm perched on the edge
of a financial razor blade which makes
me very uncomfortably off but I do not
want handouts but my motives were
impeccable Sheila you must believe that
I love you love you for God's sake
can't bear to see you learn from one
financial crisis to the next I'm a nerd
I looked with my head held high well
then you'll get a stiff neck so we dance
yes
and I forgive them do you admit that you
were a patronizing and presumptuous
prune patronizing possibly presumptuous
perhaps a prune never I mean do I look
all shriveled and wrinkled have you seen
your knees lately he's a nice man Ben I
mean deep deep deep deep down inside
he's he's really very nice I wish I knew
what you think of him
01x05 - Episode 5
Watch/Buy Amazon
Maureen Lipman played Sheila Haddon, whose husband had d*ed 18 months before the start of the first series. He d*ed without any insurance, so on top of her grief she has to pay off the mortgage of her house (No 20).
Maureen Lipman played Sheila Haddon, whose husband had d*ed 18 months before the start of the first series. He d*ed without any insurance, so on top of her grief she has to pay off the mortgage of her house (No 20).