I think they like it mum
well I'm hearing slow murmurs of
approval which means they haven't
spotted that plasticine holding the
radiator valves together in your bedroom
oh they probably got other things on
their mind like the mushrooms on the
land suck Chester doors in front of
those that's a very devious thing to do
Monica really sneaky and underhand well
done
no way we can hide that rising damp in
the basement oh don't be such a
defeatist all we need is about 15
wardrobes it's tearing you apart isn't
having to sell we fell in love with this
house when you were still in disposables
it was far too big and we couldn't
possibly afford it but little details
like that never put off your dad I think
he was the most optimistic man who ever
lived and that basements a prime example
how do you mean well he reckoned that
his DIY damp-proofing would last a
thousand years
he lasted till the weather broke yeah
for aging history now time to face facts
I can't go on and on borrowing money to
pay the mortgage another threatening
letter this morning from that loan shown
oh yes usual thing pay up or we break
your legs you said that well more or
less
now this man never got to be a bank
manager I'll never know
how come down let me took out life
insurance because optimists like him
don't think about things like that till
then lodging 90 Lola Barbie track shoes
what what are you sure I can't get you
anything else Carol like an ambulance
well enter he's trying to get healthy I
think you should tell your friend if she
gets any healthier she'd be dead not
bored in Iran Edinburgh I want around
the block more g*n how do you want over
do it so I say I feel terrific huh
just go up to my room and sleep a week
they're not even out of my mind I think
we have potential buyers upstairs it
would just drop quietly back to this
open and you can expire there oh yes but
insurmountable problem um there's only
one it in plasticine
in here oh that's a good place to put
the budgies out of the Sun and cats can
sleep by the cooker that's the best
place for him he doesn't know how to
behave in a bedroom so I keep him
downstairs it's been a firm rule ever
since he wiggled on the do that that
tree would have to go for a start oh now
my husband and I planted that willow the
day we moved in I've nothing against
willows per se mrs. Hedden but if and I
do emphasize if we should decide to
purchase I would be thinking more in
terms of a patio in that area Oh an
awful shame to destroy such a beautiful
tree I'd have no objections on principle
should you decide to take it with you
mr. melchid I'm probably moving into a
flat that tree is 30-foot high I need
one hell of a window box come on
oh if that that's Carol she's a
removable fixture
I think we'll see the basement now for
my of course hope you got your well is
with you are you trying to do pull them
off
does it show duh
do I know you I'll try again
duh getting warm well if I'm only still
I'm getting is worried are you selling
something all of you escapes in
somewhere I find it's hard to believe
but I don't think you remember who I am
do you know I'm afraid I don't cast your
mind back Guildford New Year's Eve well
that is a bit out of my head that night
he gave me your address
and told me to drop by anytime I was in
London well like I said I was a bit out
of my head that night right Oh mom this
is um Chris temple hello sweetie glad
somebody is sugar one please look about
Guildford I really don't remember very
much well we um did we with it a two
ships passing in the night situation we
didn't dock if that's what you're
wondering
oh yeah thanks Oh oh yes that's that's
Carol born-again jogger currently in
intensive care
this is really good thanks I painted it
I meant the coffee but the painting has
its merits I think it stinks well now
you mention it yeah still life of a bowl
of fruit how boring can you get it was a
project they said as a art school I
reckon you did a good job under the
circumstances you've captured those
plums to perfection Thanks
they're grapes talking of still life do
you think we ought to wake it no I think
we ought to ask Chris why is brought his
suitcase with him oh well I was just
wondering if you could put me up for the
night just the one night we put Carol up
for just the one night once that was
three weeks ago
I've got a bedsit lined up in the area
but I can't look at it till tomorrow I
thought you lived in Huddersfield no
Huddersfield in me a parted company for
good I first felt the urge to escape
when I was about five but school got in
the way so what are your plans exactly
well the reason I've moved to London is
that I intend to be something fairly
huge in the media no no seriously what
are your plans I just told you hmm
ghastly isn't it we rather like it at
Rice and let's just say we're interested
doesn't a damp bother you I'll have you
always wanted a house with a moat well
it's not as bad as all that mrs. heron
and it is confined to one wall and it's
not as though it's rising then isn't it
oh no it's penetrating damp and I think
I've found a culprit well it's not next
door's dog is it you have a leaky down
pipe mrs. hatten Oh you must get that
cauterize mum cast-iron you see well
past its prime fortunately technology
has moved on a pace since this house was
built if and I do emphasize if we should
decide to purchase we would replace it
with easy-to-handle wrought proof no
maintenance required PVC
ah that makes
and by the same token we would replace
these eights and sash windows with large
pained worry-free aluminium frame double
glazing that would alter the whole
character of the house exactly I'll bet
you wish you thought well that we have
another peek upstairs
Oh peek away yes I should steer clear of
the loft though not one inquire why yes
the woodworm they hate to be disturbed
when they're eating very droll oh all
right from that your idea of the hard
sell
Philistine though all I want is to give
my house a good home can you understand
that
sure yeah but will your bank manager Oh
cheer up mum girl mr. showbiz give us a
laugh tell us more about your plans to
be huge in the media certainly but just
remember when I am huge in the media I
won't forget those cynics that scoffed
at my ambition oh I beg forgiveness your
hugeness better better what particular
aspect of the meteor you plan to be huge
increase radio I'm gonna be a DJ did I
say something funny and how do you
propose to go about this
I'll make some tapes send them to all
the radio stations and accept the best
offer
you don't think perhaps three million
other chaps might have a similar idea
yeah but the difference between them and
me is that I'm better this is no time
for false modesty mrs. happen the fact
is I ran the hottest mobile disco in
Huddersfield I see but while you're
waiting for all these offers to pour
through the letterbox how are you going
to support yourself I'll run the hottest
mobile disco in London it lives only
just my back my shoulders my eyes my my
Oh mum Carol this is Chris hi
I know we've only just met but can I
give you a massage
thank you so much goodbye
oh this think potential for a Cotswolds
style poach here missus heaven if I'm
not mistaken we'll be in touch Oh take
all the time you need years if possible
where's the second on the right Oh Chris
yeah this bed fit your after how much is
it forty quid porting what'd you get for
that feeling wallpaper and terminal
depression I should think oh I think
he's a famous man I've ever met
he's so pleased with himself hmm I'd be
pleased with myself if I look that good
that's a very shallow basis for a
relationship Carol thank you Anna Rabin
and good night Oh Chris yeah did you say
40 pounds yeah installing yeah why
nothing that's three times 40 is one
that's rageous at 3 times 35 5 350 put a
5 on the bottom a little one on the top
better mmm
so what do you do when you're not
crippling yourself well I'm a college
with monic a different course though I'm
doing fashion design you good at it
mmm most people think I'm pretty good
personally I think I'm brilliant give me
a couple of years and I'll wipe that
smile off the face of the emanuelle
that's what I like ambition you will
tell me if I'm in the way weren't you
you're in the way I live here
right ask your shoulders done time I
moved on to your thighs your pardon oh
just helping a fellow human in distress
this is heaven
is that you just dress look then Carol
oh he's losing that my shoulders a trait
congratulations you found yourself a
loose woman I want to tell you something
I know we've only just met but I think
you're the most sensational creature in
the world
I must tell Monica why she thinks you
think you are modules still pay the
mortgage and what I earn part time will
take care of the bank we won't have to
sell if I suggested the idea of Rogers
and months ago I know that you see but I
haven't fully appreciated what the going
rate was listen when I last rented a
bedsit it was two pound fifteen and six
pence a week plus hot water also you see
I thought the most we could accommodate
here besides us was two because I'd
written off the basement as unfit for
human habitation but apparently all it
needs is a new downpipe in easy to
handle rot proof now maintenance
required so you're thinking of three
lodges yes like two already there Chris
always fun isn't it
Oh hysterical and stop laughing since
you got here how would you like to have
a room here we'll understand if you
don't it'll cost you 435 pounds a week
and that includes an evening meal I'm a
good cook and anyone who says different
gets second helpings sounds great
really how about you Carol would you
like to stay on permanently 35 pounds a
week well I realize it's more than
you're paying me now it's exactly 35
pounds more than you paid me could you
manage it any just as those I'll have to
scrimp and save and warn your leg
warmers great another enthusiastic
tenant signed up Oh Chris do you have
any references not as such I tend to get
by on sheer force of personality does
that mean when rent day comes around you
give me a charming smile in a plane
blown envelope
I pay my way mrs. Han I have a few
hundred quid saved plus substantial
collateral tied up in my Mobile Disco
which comprises a van stereo gear light
show and about a thousand records
that's your van by any chance have a
roof rack it could accommodate a new
downpipe in easy to handle Rock roof now
maintain the Barclays II certainly does
see for yourself Oh which one is it
I'll give you a clue it's got Chris
temple and his temple of sound
emblazoned across the side in rather
classy multi-coloured luminous letters
but where is it pop oh there it isn't
it's been nicked someone's nicked my
career now I'll phone the police just
just stay calm Chris calm right calm um
confident you're a very confident young
man huge in the media huge cope no
problem nothing fazes me nothing course
it didn't faint
I never faint laid-back aerobics was it
I hope it's all insured the van is but
not the gear there's about a thousand
quid tied up in that I don't weed yeah I
can't wait to break the news to the
finance company that paid for it oh I'm
sure the police will find it that'll be
them now oh it's you
well I must say that friendlier welcomes
oh I'm just hoping you were someone else
well I'm sorry but is such a
disappointment I'll emigrate immediately
oh don't be silly Richard coming you're
always welcome you knew that but your
pike isn't leave it on the doorstep
Richard I have animators news you'll
marry me I said momentous not
preposterous worth a try so what's a
news I'm not selling my house I reckon I
can scrape by with three lodgers is that
really necessary you know my checkbooks
always at your disposal Richard I have
my pride I borrow money from no man
that's it my bank manager he's not
really a man with more of a virus Oh
girls IRA gentle watcher ah Chris temple
this is Richard Beamish rich is no
friend hex Royal Navy
hello hello sailor that's very funny
charlie
just a joke only just you know if I had
a penny for every time someone said
hello sailor to me I'd be a rich man you
are a rich man true what oh yes but I
didn't realize the Navy paid that well I
was fortunate enough to have a rich out
that's always handy can't say I was an
orderly fond of her in a lifetime of my
affection for I knew no bounds when a
will was read I know we've only just met
but you couldn't lend me a thousand quid
could you
now that is what I call a joke Monica
would you mind showing Chris up to his
room please
you look hot off the quill oh is it
autobiographical again I'm pretty
pleased with it but I'd appreciate an
honest opinion Oh slimmest volume yes
well some books a bit of slim why don't
I have a quick skim through it you can
back to supper and I'll tell you what I
think
splendid Thanks ah what's it called
as I sailed out from Portsmouth rather a
snappy title don't you think see your
nun father rent yes
when did you want the first installment
uh when would be most convenient year
after next are we compromised sorry and
say tomorrow Mason just a drawers
cupboard bed I often wondered what they
were all called
which is your room next one along we're
neighbors
I know how would you feel if I popped
round to borrow a cup of sugar in the
middle of the night sick not very
neighborly all right I'll have you
evicted my vans a grievous loss I could
use a little sympathy yeah well you
don't make it easy
Meeny well you come on too strong Chris
you think it's such hot stuff I bet you
get up every morning look in the mirror
and spend five minutes drooling rubbish
three at most yeah I can just see you
oh you're so gorgeous you're so much all
the best friend like you who needs
enemies Carol wait now look what you've
done I never said a word
so what's the verdict uh what would you
like or the truth oh dear
hello mr. no chief an offer ah now I'm
terribly sorry mr. Machar but I have
decided not to sell after all yes yes I
know you had big plans for it
yeah sure you would have made it the
most individual house on the street but
language mr. Melchett language and you
with PVC knobs on the up you down pipe
that's telling him incidentally how's
your bank manager feel about your new
plans
oh he's not at all bothered oh I am
surprised I'm not haven't told him yet
I'm not saying it isn't well-written
because it is all your books are it's
just that I think it's time you moved on
to fiction fiction hmm Richard even the
most eminent of men right two maybe
three volumes of autobiography and then
call it a day
you have squeezed six books out of your
life so far and I have to tell you
they're getting progressively less
gripping as I sailed out from Portsmouth
is really little more than a travelogue
true I mean the most heroic thing you do
is circumnavigate the Isle of Wight you
know about tides and such they like that
kind of thing but nothing happens
I was not gripped I kept wishing with me
to k*ll a shark or sink does your
publisher think you should try fiction
my publisher thinks I should try another
publisher
would you set the table for me please
when I call the ravenous hordes young
God let's get it gone I need to gone
over cuisine sulla table Manik has been
trying to persuade me who's all
misunderstand it was I had said Chris
cuz hell hath no fury like me given the
runaround I've just had a word with
Carol I backed up your story there's
nothing going on between us there is
nothing going on between us
early days no look Chris you may have
been a big fish in Huddersfield but to
me you're a Spratt however London's
gonna be a shock for you Oh
these wild dreams to be a DJ have you
any idea of the competition look even
that party in Guildford had a mobile
disco and I'd be amazed if you're half
as good as that oh yeah I thought you're
out of your head that night wasn't too
far gone to recognize a good DJ at work
what did he look like oh I don't know
seem to remember he had long hair didn't
you suit him that's what I thought
that's why I got it cut
lots of your van doesn't seem to have
affected your appetite first well it's a
case of Rosser are situations in it I
just have to start again from scratch
first thing in the morning I'll look for
a generous bank manager that could take
your years an epoxy like Carol sorry I'm
about to take the plunge into fiction
just wondering what the public wants
how about a steamy body Serena I thought
that would certainly not Monica oh I see
you was a Freddie Forsythe in a barber
Cartman now that is the best news I've
heard all day
so I think you should try an
action-packed thriller hmm how about you
Chris what would you like me to write
I'd like to write me a check for a
thousand quid hello
yes it's please oh that's wonderful
he was so relieved oh they abandoned it
mmm yes well there's roadworks on the m1
a 40 the best of us was anything missing
oh I see oh I see well thank you very
much he'll be around to pick it up in
the morning
ah was anything missing just the one
disc apparently I won't press charges if
it was Barry Manilow no they run a check
apparently it's never there in the first
place
hey your road tax
proud of you one bound you've saved the
family-owned oh yes I really come up
trumps have now two larger so far I want
a penniless student the other att*cks
dodge it'll be alright
I reckon this calls for a toast
all good idea yeah where's champagne in
the off-licence but we have a very
classy vintage of cocoa here's to all at
number 20
01x01 - All at No. 20
Watch/Buy Amazon
Maureen Lipman played Sheila Haddon, whose husband had d*ed 18 months before the start of the first series. He d*ed without any insurance, so on top of her grief she has to pay off the mortgage of her house (No 20).
Maureen Lipman played Sheila Haddon, whose husband had d*ed 18 months before the start of the first series. He d*ed without any insurance, so on top of her grief she has to pay off the mortgage of her house (No 20).