04x02 - Doug's Bum Rap/Doug and Patti Sittin' in a Tree

[bunniefuu]

( Yelps )

( Barks )

( Electric guitar playing )

( Man singing scat )

( Barks )

Cool! Whoa!

( Thwack )

( Barks )

Doug:
boy, was I worried

When mrs. Wingo called me
to mr. Bone's office.

She wanted to discuss
yesterday's english test

But she didn't say why.

What if I failed?

There he is, gentlemen--

The boy who got the lowest
test grade ever recorded.

Negative !

But that's impossible.

Announcer:
so today, douglas yancey funnie

The stupidest boy in the world

Is inducted into the
bluffington hall of losers

And boy, what a loser!

Mom... Dad!

I'm so embarrassed!

Let's get out
of here.

But I studied too hard to fail.

Hey, wait-- maybe she called
me in because I did great.

There he is, gentlemen--

The boy who got
the highest grade ever recorded!

Aw.

This is the
collected works

Of william
shakespeare.

For me?

We think you can
make some improvements.

Oh, stop.

Douglas.

About yesterday's test...

Yes, ma'am?

Phew!

I got a "b."

The best thing you
could do is confess!

Confess?

That you cheated!

Cheated?

( Footsteps )

( Hinge creaks )

( Barks )

* Doug... *

That's me.

Hey!

( Yelps )

Doug:
I didn't cheat,
mrs. Wingo-- honest.

But douglas,
your test is identical

To chalky studebaker's.

Well, maybe...

It's a coincidence.

I determine that to be unlikely

After I compared both
of your permanent records.

Compared me and chalky?

Nobody can compare
to chalky studebaker.

"Baloney"-- b-o-l-o-n-y.

( Kids laughing )

No, wait!

...s-h-m-e-n-t-a-r-i-a-n-i-s-m.

"Antidisestablishmentarianism."

Thank you.

( Clapping )

( Booing )

( Cheering )

So why not make it easy
on yourself and just confess?

I knew I didn't cheat, but
how could I convince them?

I give the guilty party
one day to confess.

If no one does, you both
must take a retest

This saturday.

But... But... But...

Bone:
and the retest will be
much more difficult

Than the first test.

This was serious.

I had to talk to chalky
about it right away.

Chalky's the editor
of the school paper

So I went there to find him.

Now we have to take
an even harder test.

That's terrible, doug!

Just because your answers
match by coincidence.

It's no
coincidence.

If neither
of them cheated

The odds against having
that many answers the same

Is approximately one
in , , , ...

Point two.

The only other possibility
is that chalky cheated.

( Gasping )

I can't believe
chalky would cheat.

Neither can i.

Is he here?

Must be at
track practice.

He's the team captain.

Roger:
hey, funnie

I heard you got caught
cheating off of chalky.

Wow!

I didn't know you
had it in you!

Roger, I didn't cheat.

Funnie, you almost
sound convincing.

Chalky's the best guy
to cheat off of

So I want you
to help me cheat, too.

See you, pal.

Chalky!

Chalky, we have to talk.

I'm sort of busy
here right now.

( g*nsh*t )

But this is...
Important.

Hey, you're
pretty good.

What?

You didn't break
anything, did you?

No, nothing broken.

Where'd chalky go?

On his way
to band practice.

He's the first
trumpet, you know.

( Band instruments tuning up )

Chalky.

Hey, doug.

We've got
to talk about...

Uh, I really
can't talk now.

( Band playing " overture" )

( Cannon fires )

Help!

Oh, no, where
did he go now?

Swim team practice.

He's the...

I know-- captain, right?

No-- the whole team.

There had to be some way
to get chalky to talk to me.

( Airplane droning )

Doug, I can't talk.

I've got to go.

Chalky, I'm not
leaving your side

Until this thing
is settled.

There!

Okay, but this
is parachute club.

Wait, let me get the key!

Whoa!

( Screaming )

I decided not to try
any fancy tricks to get chalky--

Just wait him out.

Funnie, what
you doing?

Shh-- nothing.

Want to see
my brilliant plan

For you
to help me cheat?

It's my secret
cap code.

Roger,
I don't cheat.

Say the answer is "boogerton."

Well, you just do b-o-o... No.

No, that's not "o," that's "q."

O... Q...

G... E...

Won't mrs. Wingo notice?

Wow, you're right.

You have
a true criminal
mind, funnie.

No, I don't.

Hey, there he goes.

Don't worry, I'll think
of something else.

Chalky, wait up.

What are you doing?

Slow down.

Then it hit me:
chalky was avoiding me.

He was hiding something,
and everybody thinks

Chalky studebaker
is mr. Perfect.

There goes chalky.

He's so perfect
in every way.

He's the best student
there ever was.

( Laughing evilly )

I can't let him
get away with this.

Good arm, son.

You're going to cream 'em
in saturday's game.

Now, go long.

Okay, dad, got it!

Oh-oh.

( Gasps )

Hi, mr. Studebaker.

Hey, doug.

Dad, I have
to talk to doug

In my room
right now.

Listen, chalky, you...

Okay, I did it.

I did it.

I copied your test.

I'm sorry.

You did? You cheated?

I can't believe it.

Why?

Because I was
too busy to study.

Let's go tell mrs. Wingo.

No, I can't do that.

Why not?

I'm playing
on saturday.

I can't take
a retest.

Then we'll both take it.

You'll miss the game anyway.

I'd be letting
the whole school down...

And my dad will be
real disappointed.

But chalky, you'll
only get to play
if I confess.

You'd do that for me?

Wow, what a pal!

What?

Wait, hold on.

Please... Remember
how I helped you

With that
science project

And your
math homework

And the fitness test?

Chalky had helped me a lot.

I guess I owed it to him.

( Crowd jeering )

'Tis a far, far better
thing I do now

Than I have ever done before.

'Tis a far, far...

Come on.

Hey!

I'm ready now.

You have minutes,
douglas.

I guess I'd better
go home and study.

Ah... Isn't it great

How chalky's
willing to sacrifice

His football practice time

To help you
study, doug?

Doug's got to go, dad.

Chalky's so modest

About his
accomplishments.

Come here, doug--
look at this.

Doug:
wow!

Are all these
chalky's?

Yeah, but he's still
got a long way to go

To match his brother cliff.

Winning always
comes naturally

To us studebakers.

I imagine it must
be pretty inspiring

To be around this guy.

Right, mr. Perfect, huh?

Of course chalky's perfect--
he cheats.

( Gulps )

What did you say?

It's true, dad.

I did cheat.

I copied answers
from doug's test.

What?

I spend so much time

Practicing and training
and winning these trophies

That I couldn't study.

But don't you want
as many trophies

As your brother?

That's a pretty
big wall to fill.

He's right, dad.

Hmm...

We'll have to talk

About how you want
to handle this, chalky.

So chalky and his dad
agreed to the retest

And the team played
saturday's game without him.

They're k*lling us,
mrs. Wingo.

One play-- just one play.

As for me, I'm glad I didn't
take the rap for cheating

'Cause I didn't.

Hey, funnie,
I got it.

You wear a mirror
in your hat...

Roger, I didn't cheat.

Chalky did.

Studebaker?

Uh-huh.

Funnie, I'm really
disappointed in you.

Wait a minute!

Chalky's even better.

Nobody will ever
suspect him.

Where is he?

I wonder what size
hat he wears.

Hey, chalky, chalky!

Dear journal, did you ever feel

Like someone was holding
your heart in their hand?

Well, that's how I felt today.

It all started at recess.

Beets again?

Man!

Hey, doug?

Oh, hey, patti.

Can I ask you
something?

Um... Sure, what?

( Giggling )

Are you
doing anything
friday night?

No... Not yet, I mean.

Would you like
to see a movie?

Sure... Who else
is going?

Well, nobody yet.

I wasn't planning
to ask anybody.

You weren't?

Did you want
to invite

Someone else?

Well, no... You mean,
just me and you?

Well, yeah.

Oh.

If you don't want to,
that's okay.

No, I mean, yes,
it sounds great.

Oh, good.

I'll meet you by the uniplex
friday at : .

Sounds great.

See you.

See you.

Wow! Just me and patti.

I wonder if that means
it's a...

A...

All:
a date!

Congratulations,
doug.

Ooh, wubba, wubba.

What will you
name the kids?

Whoa, doug.

Okay, stud!

( All giggling )

* Doug and patti
sittin' in a tree... *

( Footsteps )

( Hinge creaks )

( Barks )

* Doug... *

That's me.

Hey!

( Barks )

( Yelps )

It's not a date, skeet

Or she would have
called it a date.

Not necessarily.

She might
be playing
hard-to-get.

Doug:
hard-to-get?

Why?

To drive you insane.

Nerd:
insane?

How will I know
if it's a date or not?

Is she going
to dress up?

If so, it's
probably a date.

( Kissing noises )

Oh, funnie,
didn't see you coming.

( All laughing )

How about if she
isn't dressed up?

Try buying her
a ticket.

If she lets
you buy

It's a date.

If she doesn't?

Hmm...
The handhold?

Definitely.

If she lets you
hold her hand

It is definitely
a date.

Teacher:
in your seats, everyone.

Today we continue our discussion
of animal mating rituals.

Girl:
not again!

Wow!

If it is a date,
I've got research to do.

I bet smash adams knows
what to do on a date.

Oh, smash, I never
met a man like you.

( Screaming )

May I have
this dance?

Meow!

( Grunting and meowing )

( Pop music playing )

( Inane giggling )

Hey!

This is ridiculous.

Real people don't do this.

I wanted to see what
a normal person did on a date

But I had to settle for judy.

Judy, you've
got a date

With cassius
tonight, right?

A date?

Mom and dad
"dated," dougie.

Dating went out
with bellbottoms.

But you're wearing
bellbottoms.

Don't get smart.

You're "doing something"

With cassius
tonight, right?

We're going to a silent film
by ingmar belchnik

And then to
a charming cafe.

( Horn beeps )

There he is!

Wait--
there's some stuff

I got to ask you.

Greetings,
darling.

You look
voracious.

Oh, cassius,
get over it.

"Step one-- use goofy accent."

Judy:
that was absolutely

Analeptic.

I thought the
sh*t distribution

Was rather
self-indulgent.

Cass, you're such a purist.

"Step two-- use big words."

How can you say
art needs no moral
justification

When everything
has political...

That's what I'm supposed to do?

I thought
the instimatic
sh*t retribution

Was rather
self-regurgent.

Doug, what are you
talking about?

Well, um...

( Making kissing noises )

Doug, what
are you doing?

Well, I was just...

I... I...

( Screaming )

This was going to be a disaster.

Doug:
skeet, I can't do it.

Sure you can.

We'll try it again.

First you put
your hand on hers.

I'll call and
tell her I'm sick.

Come on, doug.

You don't even know
if it's a date yet.

Then why am I
doing this?

To find out.

If she lets you hold
her hand, it's a date.

Now, try it.

Mmm!

Hey, cut it out.

Yech!

That does it.

I'm calling her and
telling her it's off.

Calling her?

( Porkchop whining )

Doug, are you going on a date?

It's not a date.

Dating went out with
bellbottoms, remember?

This is so romantic!

Soon you'll be
breaking hearts.

There'll be
desperate messages:

"Doug, why haven't
you called?

"I love you.

I love you."

Judy, knock it off.

You're not planning
on wearing that!

Stay here.

I'll be right back.

Hiya, slugger.

Hear you've got
a big date tonight.

It's not a date!

You know, son,
there comes a time

In every man's
life when...

Douglas?
There you are.

You might like
to wear this blazer

On your little date.

We gave it to you

And you've
never worn it.

Mother, leave it
to the expert.

Okay, dougie--

We'll stick to basic jeans
and black leather.

We could go with... Key-chain.

No... Stick with
the handkerchief

But not on the left.

Judith, douglas
wouldn't wear that

On his date with that
cute little girl.

She's the blonde
one, right? Patsi?

Hey, why don't you two

Let us have
a man-to-man
chat, huh?

Stop!!

Huh?

Huh?

It's not a date, okay?

I'm wearing my regular clothes

And I want everybody
to stop making

Such a big deal
out of it.

It's no big deal.

It's not a date.

It's no big deal.

Hey, lover lips!

How's them smackers?

I'm just going
to go to the movies

Like any other night...

Good evening,
smoochmaster doug.

( Nerds laughing )

It's not a date.

It's not a date.

It's not a date.

It's not a date.

Patti:
hey doug, hurry

Or we'll miss the show.

Hey, patti.

She's dressed up.

Okay, it's a date.

Um... Two, please.

Thank you.

Here's your...

One, please.

Thank you.

Come on, doug,
we'll be late.

But... But i...

Okay, it's not a date.

( Coughing )

Woman:
oh, charles--

Society will never
accept our love.

Charles:
but we cannot
let them stop us.

We must listen
to our hearts.

But we're
so different.

We come from
different worlds.

I know, katerina.

You are from a rich,
powerful family, whereas i...

I'm a giant lizard
creature from planet z.

But i... I love you.

Oh, charles.

Oh, katerina.

Oh, charles.

Oh, katerina.

Tummy bunny?

Yes, please.

The night was almost over

And I still had no idea
what patti was thinking.

Should we go do
something else?

Like what?

We could go
to a charming cafe

For coffee.

Oh, I hate coffee.

It tastes like chalk.

Yeah, me, too.

( Laughing )

Patti:
I liked the part
where the monster says

"What you going
to do about it?"

So she sh**t him
with the laser.

( Both laugh )

Yeah, or when the guy
grabs her arm, and she...

Oops.

I had a really good
time tonight, doug.

Yeah.

Me, too.

You know, your
grass is really...

Springy.

Yeah, they water
it... A lot.

Yeah, water it...
A lot.

So patti...

So doug?

( Both giggle nervously )

Listen, was tonight
supposed to be

A... Whatever?

I don't know.

Are you saying it
was a... You know?

No, I don't think

It was necessarily
a... Whatever

Unless you think
it was a... You know.

Me, neither.

I can't believe

Everybody thought
it was.

Well, good night.

So that was it.

After all that.

It wasn't a date.

It wasn't a date.

Or maybe...

Roger:
psst! Hey, funnie...

Oh, great.

How'd it go?

Why, you want
to rag me about it?

We were hoping

You could give
us some tips...

On how to get
girls.

We want girls.

Yeah, how do
you do that?

Do you spend a lot
of money on 'em?

( All talking at once )