03x13 - For Sale by Owner

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Well, did I exaggerate,

or is that a beautiful house?

It's a wonderful house, Reuben.

It was very sweet
of you to find it for us.

What's the matter?
The price is just right.

Yes, I know.

But I was just thinking

how much that house has
meant to me and the kids.

All those memories.

Oh, I know, but be practical.

Your house is too
small for you, right?

Right.

Now, don't the kids
want a bigger house?

Yes, they do,

but they may not want to
move any more than I do.

At least, I think they ought
to have a say in the matter.

What do you intend
to do? Take a vote?

That's a good idea.

It's a good idea.

Hi. Well, did you like it?

Well, I didn't dislike it.

Does it have more bedrooms?

Yeah. How about more bathrooms?

For private hours.
Alone with his hair dryer.

Oh. Look who's talking?

Two hours this
morning in the bathtub.

I feel like I am living
with a red-headed prune.

It has more bathrooms
and more bedrooms.

If we were to buy the house it
would mean leaving this house,

where you were all raised.

And moving into a
beautiful, new, larger one.

Maybe it's too large.

You know, Reuben, I felt
a big draft in that house.

That big draft was
the air conditioner.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, anyway, as much
as I would like a new house,

I just don't think it's fair for
me to make the decision alone.

I mean, I know how much
you all love this house.

Well, if you decide to stay,

I mean, just say the
word, and that will be that.

Mom, we've
already talked it over.

And? When do we move?

Wow, did you see the
size of my bedroom?

Your bedroom?
Remember, it's mine.

Is there something wrong, Mom?

You didn't say a word
the whole way home.

Wrong? No, no, there's nothing.

It's... I was just thinking
of all we have to do.

When do you think we can move?

Laurie, you don't know
anything about real estate.

First there's your offer,
then there's their counteroffer.

Then there's a counter
to their counteroffer.

And then there's escrow
and mortgages and...

You're a walking Wall
Street Journal, aren't you?

In my modest way.

Well, after all the
countering and stuff,

how soon before we can move?

Well, there's one thing
we've all overlooked.

We can't consider buying
until we sell this house.

Well, I guess we
better get started.

I think the first thing we
need is a real estate agent.

That isn't necessary. I'll
be your real estate agent.

No agent knows this
house better than I do.

And no agent will have your
interest in mind more than I will.

And of course, no agent will save
you the commission, except me.

You're hired. Thank you.

Well, I guess we're all set.

Well, not quite. We
need an ad in the paper.

Um, I've already
taken care of that.

I wrote one this morning.

Oh, I can't wait to hear this.

"Now available. Partridge Manor.

"Live among the stars."

Live among the
stars? What stars?

Every night, you just
look up, and there they are.

I can't believe it,

it's been over a week now, and we
haven't even had one prospective buyer.

Honey, that's the way
things go sometimes.

You can't expect to sell a house

like you would a cantaloupe.

Good morning.

Good morning, Reuben.

Couldn't eat a thing,
but I'd love some coffee.

There's nothing more depressing

than a cheerful
real estate agent.

Especially if he
can't sell a house.

Be more patient.
It's only been a week.

Reuben, you must admit,
it does look hopeless.

Mmm.

I don't understand it.

They say there's a
buyer for every house.

Well, maybe our
buyer is on vacation.

Reuben, isn't there anything
you can do to speed things up?

Ah, I was thinking about
that on the way over.

What we need is an open house.

Reuben, if we couldn't get
anyone to look at the house all week,

how do you expect to
get a crowd in one day?

It's really only a matter
of getting their attention.

Come right in.

See the original
Partridge Family

in their natural habitat.

You've seen them on the stage.

Now see them in their kitchen.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime offer

you can't afford to miss.

That's right, folks.

For a limited time, you can
tour the famous Partridge Manor,

walk the halls Keith
paces for inspiration.

Yes, sir, folks.

Don't miss the
chance of a lifetime.

What in the world is going on?

You got me.

See the actual mirror where
Keith Partridge fluffs his hair.

See the piano where
musical history was made.

See with your own eyes what you've
only read about in fan magazines.

See Danny Partridge
get the spanking of his life.

Hi, Mom, Mr. Kincaid. Mmm-hmm.

Danny, what is all this?

It's like a circus out here.

Danny, I want you
to take that sign down,

get this booth out of here, and get
in that house. Do you understand?

I understand, Mom.

It's embarrassing.

How is our plan working?

Excellent. The house is packed.

Terrific.

These carpets are all wrong.

And will you look at the
furniture? Unforgivable.

Uh, don't look at the
furniture, Mrs. Gibson.

Try to think of the
house as a shell.

Well, this shell
needs a lot of work.

Baby, I don't even
know why we came here.

I mean, we just bought
our house two months ago.

Mom promised.

May I call your
attention to this desk?

A small fortune has been made

and lost over this humble pine.

Maybe she'd like
to see my closet.

I'm sure she'd rather
start with my closet.

You can see my
old baseball uniform.

Let her decide.

Fair enough. Where
would you like to begin?

Keith's room.

Gwen, honey, we have to go now.

Can't we look at the
house just a little longer?

Gwen, it wouldn't matter
if we bought the house.

He doesn't come with it.

You don't?

One word describes this
kitchen, Ed, inadequate.

You said it, dear.

She probably just
cooks TV dinners here.

You know these
show business people.

These walls.

I don't know, they're
simply unsuitable.

You said it, dear.

I mean, she may sing pretty,

but the kitchen is a disaster.

Oh. Charming kitchen, Mrs.
Partridge, absolutely charming.

You said it, dear.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Sharp
made a very nice offer.

They didn't meet our price.

Well, that's normal,
isn't it, Reuben?

Right.

Shirley, you weren't
expecting the full price?

Why not?

The house has only been
on the market a few days.

As a matter of fact, Reuben,
I'd considered raising the price.

I always thought it was too low.

I don't believe it.

My mom's a latent penny pincher.

I'm only thinking
of our best interests.

Sometimes, it pays to be
stubborn in these things.

Okay, Shirley.

I will tell them you're
holding out for the full price.

Now, the Sharps
get all the fixtures,

including the chandelier, right?

Wrong. Wrong?

Right.

I think she's saying the Sharps
will have to do without the chandelier.

Thank you, Laurie.

Shirley, before I go
on with the terms,

is there anything
else I should know?

Yes.

They can't have the
spice rack in the kitchen.

Keith bought that for
me when he was .

The spice rack?

That's not worth anything.

Reuben, you can't put
a price on sentiment.

Sure you can, $..

I'll tell you what.

I think I can talk them
out of the spice rack.

Now, about the
curtains... Never.

How do you feel about doorknobs?

Very possessive.

Okay, so we all agree that Mom
hasn't been acting like Mom lately.

Right. She's been
acting like me.

Which is definitely
something to worry about.

So the question is,

why is she making
it almost impossible

for Reuben to sell this house?

That's easy. She just
doesn't want to move.

Good, Keith.

He has a mind like a dumpling.

All right, butch, but why
doesn't she want to move?

Because this is home.

And you know something?

I feel the same way.

Sure, we'd be getting more
bedrooms and bathrooms by moving,

but have you thought of
what we'd be giving up?

So there's only
one question left.

Yeah?

What do we do about it?

Okay.

I'm here. What's so important?

Well, Mom, we're
a little confused

about your attitude
toward the house.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I, uh...

I know I've been
acting foolish lately,

I should've been
honest with you about it.

It's just that,

the more I think about
leaving this house,

the more I realize
I don't want to.

I know all of you don't
agree, and maybe...

We don't want to leave, either.

In other words, we feel the
same way about it as you do.

Just took us a little
longer to let it sink in.

You're all sure?

We're sure.

Besides, I'd hate to see you
have to give up your spice rack.

♪ Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo

♪ Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo-doo, doo

♪ Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo

♪ Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo-doo, doo

♪ I can take your
pictures off my wall

♪ Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo

♪ Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo-doo, doo

♪ And tell myself
that I don't care at all

♪ I can make believe
I'm better off without you

♪ I can build a wall
♪ I can fool myself

♪ But that won't help at all

♪ You see, the problem
is deep within my heart

♪ And the memory is to blame

♪ And I won't really be the same

♪ As long as you're there ♪ Ooh

♪ Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo

♪ Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo-doo, doo

♪ Tore up all your
letters I had saved

♪ Ooh, la, la, la
♪ La, la, la, la, la

♪ As if that would make
my loneliness go away

♪ Then I spent the day
picking up the little pieces

♪ Just to read again

♪ All about the way you
loved me way back when

♪ You see, the problem
is deep within my heart

♪ And the memory is to blame

♪ And I won't really be the same

♪ As long as you're there ♪ Ooh

♪ You see, the problem
is deep within my heart

♪ And the memory is to blame

♪ And I won't really be the same

♪ As long as you're
there ♪ Ooh ♪

All right. Now, let
me get this straight.

You don't want
to sell the house?

Right.

You want me to call
off the deal. Right.

So that's that, right?

Wrong. It's too late. Too late?

The Sharps have
agreed to your terms

and they've already
signed the papers.

So talk to them. Dazzle
them with your legal know-how.

Perry Mason couldn't
get you out of this deal.

Rueben, you're
gonna have to try.

When's the earliest
you can see them?

Tomorrow morning at :.

Good. I'll go with you.

You won't have to. They're
coming over to the house.

What for?

To make plans for
immediate remodeling.

Shirley, this is...

Pleased to meet
you. We're the Sharps.

I'm George, and
this is my wife, Bea.

How do you do?

Get it?

Bea Sharp?

It's a family joke of sorts.

Yes, it's, uh, very amusing.

You've got a sense of
humor there, Mr. Sharp.

No, no, no. You call me George.

George.

I hope we're not troubling you,

because Bea and I can just look
around by ourselves, if you like.

No, it's no trouble, Mr. Sharp.

George.

George.

Uh, George, I've been thinking.

Are you sure this house is
right for you and Mrs. Sharp?

You betcha. You know,

this is exactly what we've
been looking for, isn't it, Bea?

Yes, yes. Exactly.

Now that the kids have
all grown up, it's perfect.

Well, if you have
grown children,

this house would be
too big for the two of you.

Not with grandchildren
visiting all the time.

Oh.

Are you sure the
price isn't too high?

I mean, it is an awful
lot to ask for this shell.

Now, now, now, Kincaid,

you wouldn't be trying to wiggle
out of this deal now, would you?

Oh, no, of course not.

Because a deal's a deal.

Right, a deal is a deal.

Well, uh, we better
get started, Mr. Sharp.

George.

George.

Bea.

Now, in the master
bedroom, we thought we'd...

Oh dear, I hope I
didn't break anything!

No, no. It's nothing
to worry about.

Oh. Here, here, Bea.

It's nothing. Just
nothing. Here, let me see.

There, there.
There, now, you see?

Well, how often would
you use that room anyway?

Mr. Kincaid, this
is our bedroom.

Now, I thought we'd do
this room over in lots of pink

for Doris and Sidney's
girls. Pink. Yeah.

What do you think of
pink, Mrs. Partridge?

Pink?

Doris and Sidney's
girls just love pink.

Oh, then definitely pink.

Whew! Boy, it sure is getting
a little stuffy in here, isn't it?

Oh, yes, it does
seem a little hot.

Well, I think I'll
open a window.

Uh, Mr. Sharp, could you give
me a hand with the window?

Why, sure.

Keith, what's wrong
with the window?

Oh, it just gets a little
stuck every now and then.

- That window is never...
- Hey, Keith,

why don't you try hitting
it like you usually do?

Thanks, Danny!

Walls are a little thin.

I think that's lovely.

Ease of communication,
makes for a close-knit family.

Don't you think so,
George? Well, absolutely.

Thanks for pointing
that out, Danny!

Don't mention it!

I love your curtains,
Mrs. Partridge.

Oh, thank you. So do I.

You're sure you
won't reconsider?

Positive.

Now, oh.

Could you open this for me?

I'd be glad to. You just...

I don't understand this.

It's never done this before.

Must be the weather. Sometimes
doors and windows stick a little.

It is a little warm
today, Mr. Sharp.

How about a nice glass of water?

Why, thank you, little lady.

Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry!

Well, it's only water,

but you should have a
plumber in to take care of it.

I'm afraid we've
already had a plumber in.

I want the entire demolition
team in here, on the double.

Mr. Sharp, Mrs. Sharp...

We're really sorry.

We just wanted to
keep the house, that's all.

We thought if it seemed
a little run-down that...

That's no excuse.

We made a deal with the
Sharps, and we intend to keep it.

Your mother's right. The
Sharps have bought your house.

Besides, the new house is nice.

We hope you understand.

They thought they were
doing the right thing.

The children love the
house and want to keep it.

We understand, don't we, George?

Yes, and we'd love to make you
happy by tearing up the contract.

You would? But we can't.

You see, we spent so
much time looking that,

and we love this place, too.

We just can't pass it up.

Well, look on the bright side.

We can have a great
basketball court at the backyard.

How does that sound?

Expensive.

How about a chess
table on the patio?

Better.

Hi, Reuben.

I just talked to the real estate
agent about the new house.

Somebody b*at us to it.

There's an offer pending.

Terrific.

Well, we're probably
the only family in history

to lose two houses
in less than hours.

Reuben, I told the Sharps
we'd be out of here in two weeks.

Yeah, I know, I know.

If we can't buy the new
house, where will we live?

We'd better pray
for a warm winter.

Reuben, we have
to get that house.

All I can do is my best.

That's it. We don't
have a chance.

Danny, come here.

Yeah?

Go away.

Hi, Mr. Sharp, Mrs.
Sharp. Come on in.

How are you, son?

Mr. and Mrs. Sharp,
please come in.

George.

George.

Is there something else
you wanted to look at?

No, not exactly, Mrs. Partridge.

But you see, um, well,

Bea and I were thinking on
our way out yesterday and...

We've decided that the
house is too small for us.

Yes. That's right, that's right.

Well, we forgot to count
Frank and Edie's kids.

Well, at Christmas, we're all
gonna be squeezed in like sardines.

And besides, um...
Uh, the garage.

Yes, the garage, the garage.

It's a two-car garage.

I thought you only had one car.

We do, we do. But, well...

My objection to the garage is
that there are no windows there.

Windows in a garage?

Well, yes, I, um...

I plan to use it as a workshop.

Yes, you see, George
likes to work with his hands.

That's right.

But you can't have a
workshop without windows.

You need a lot of light.

I'm afraid the
house just won't do.

And we want out of
our deal, right, Bea?

Right.

So we're gonna go
see Mr. Kincaid today,

if that's all right with
you, Mrs. Partridge.

Shirley.

Oh, Shirley!

Shirley! Oh!

I'm just sorry that
the house is too small.

Well, sometimes, Shirley,

windows in a garage are more
important than a whole house.

Oh!

Goodbye. See ya.

Bye-bye. GEORGE: Bye.

See ya.

Shirley, guess what?

I got it! I got the house!

Why are you all
looking at me that way?

I thought you'd be overjoyed.

Reuben, you better sit down.

Why should I sit down?

Unless you're gonna tell
me something ridiculous, like,

the Sharps were just here.

Reuben? Yeah?

The Sharps were just here.

Reuben, you signed
the papers on that house.

How did you get out of it?

Well, Keith, it was
really very simple.

I just told the owner
flat-out the deal was off.

Then I stood my ground.

Years of experience
taught me how to confront

the most difficult business
situation, come out on top.

Reuben, you haven't told
Keith our end of the bargain.

Our end? I thought
we got out of it.

Well, we did, with
one small condition.

What condition?

That we play for his
son's birthday party.

Danny! DANNY: Laurie, calm down.

Danny, this time
you've gone too far!

Calm down!

Wait a moment.

What is it, Laurie?

Danny was in the
bathroom for two hours

and he used up
all the hot water.

Hot showers
stimulate my creativity.

Today I was more
creative than usual.

Mom, remember how good Danny
was at coming up with real estate ads?

Yes.

I've come up with a better one.

"Now available Partridge
Minor, massive mouth,

"lots of room for
improvement, easy terms."

Isn't anyone gonna
make an offer?