04x03 - The Housekeeper Caper

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(BELL TINKLING) It's not often you g-get extras like that on a Morris Minor.

Granville, fetch your cloth.

-Morning, Granville.

-Good morning.

Thank you, Granville.

I'll put them straight in a bottle.

(MILKWOMAN YELPING) (BOTTLES CLINKING) That was really great, Granville.

I've never been kissed on the elbow before.

You wouldn't keep still.

It was dark.

I'm much better when I've woken up.

Can you come back when I've woken up?

I think you really need a steady girlfriend, Granville.

Oh, no.

I'm more like your footloose, love 'em and leave 'em type, me.

On the other hand if you know someone who you think could learn to like her elbows being kissed.

MAN: I feel better now.

I wish you'd c-close that.

An extra space like that could double the rates.

Is that pay-paperman in sight yet?

No, that pay-paperman isn't in sight yet.

What would a pay-paperman be doing out in the middle of the night?

All right, d-don't get your milk bottles in a twist.

-You'll be turning that sour, you know.

-Yeah, I think I already have.

While everyone else is out enjoying their young manhood, I'm stuck here making emotional yoghurt.

Well, if you're going to have little a tantrum, you can accompany yourself on the f-feather duster.

There you are.

Thank you.

Well, then don't just stand there, get flicking.

-Get flicking what?

-Get f-flicking on with it.

You know, I've never known.

These b-bottles are very warm, Granville.

I've noticed this in you.

You have a tendency to overheat your b-b-bottles.

I shudder to think what that means in Freudian terms.

I think she likes me, the milkwoman.

Oh, really?

What, just casual, or enough to give us a discount?

You've got no soul.

All you ever think about is money.

Hey, you watch your mouth.

I didn't bring you up to be d-discourteous about money.

What about passion and adventure?

Oh, look at you.

You've got to learn to p-pace yourself in life, Granville.

You're no good to anyone over-extended, are you?

You've gotta t-take things as they come.

Your mother knew how.

She used to t-take anything that come.

One day all this will be yours, Granville.

No, no it won't.

Not if you can find a way to take it with you.

We'll have to bury you in this lot in a great big container.

You'll never be satisfied with a coffin.

You wouldn't let us fasten the lid down for a start.

You know, it'd be the first time you've ever been closed in daylight.

You're b-bearing up very well for an errand boy in pain.

I'm not in pain.

See how much sooner we of the older generation n-notice that sort of thing.

Almost t-telepathic we are.

Mind you, still in our prime, I might add.

Still f-fully functional.

If only I could persuade a certain state registered person it's time to start me motor.

She fritters her life away, God bless her, f-feeding her ageing mother.

''Why don't you find her a good home,'' I say, ''in the country?

'' There must be s-some country that'd take her.

-You trod on my foot.

-Oh, you noticed, Granville! Very good.

It gives me confidence I'm doing right in ma-making you deputy manager.

A deputy manager with one foot.

Oh, you don't know you're born.

In my young day, errand boys were employed specifically for the purpose of being trod on.

If we had a bad day we used to say, ''Let's go and tread on an errand boy.

'' And do you think it did them any harm?

No, of course not.

Kept them healthy.

Like getting them up early in the morning.

The place was full of healthy cripples.

You think you get up early, do you?

Let me tell you, in my young day, they sometimes got us up before we went to bed.

Work that out.

You don't think that p-paper man could be late, do you, because there's a c-crisis in the street?

Ambulance, maybe, rushing to take the aged relative of my b-beloved off to intensive eating somewhere?

No, I expect the twit's just parked up there, checking his bingo numbers.

What's so important about the paper this morning?

I can't hear that f-feather duster going yet, G-Granville.

That's more like it.

Nothing so soothes the shopkeeper as the sound of a well-aimed feather flicking round his comestibles.

There must be more to life than this.

Oh, where did I go wrong, eh?

I mean, you know, I could've been anything, couldn't I, eh?

I could have been a captain in the paras.

A one-parent family.

Could've been an astronaut.

Could've been a gastronaut I'm so hungry.

Hey up, he's here.

What time do you call this?

What are you looking for?

-Happiness, G-Granville.

-Can we afford it?

If it cost more than a quid, you'll be sending it back.

No, no, for those with the necessary skills and ingenuity, it can come f-fairly cheaply.

Here it is, look! There it is.

M-my m-masterstroke.

Listen to this here.

''Wanted.

Live-in housekeeper.

''Good home in exchange for l-light duties.

''Apply in person to Arkwright S-Superstores.

'' A woman coming to live here?

What is Nurse Gladys going to say?

Exactly.

There you have p-put your finger on it.

Which is more than I've been able to do lately.

I'll tell you what N-Nurse Gladys is going to say.

She's going to say, ''I better marry him quick.

He's getting a bit restless.

'' And thus, with one masterstroke, I have brought my y-years of f-frustration to an end.

And we all know which end, don't we?

(BELL TINKLING) Well, there's no s-sugar in them.

There we are, m-my dear.

Call again when you've saved up.

You don't get much for your money these days.

No, but then you never did, you see.

It's just that the much that you didn't get then was much mucher than the much you don't get so much of now.

I know I can't understand it, either.

Hey, Nurse Gladys is going to k*ll you.

And she probably knows how to do it without leaving a trace.

Nurse Gladys will be overcome with remorse for not h-having snatched me up in the first place.

What are you going to do with a live-in housekeeper anyway?

I'm not sure that's a proper question for an errand boy.

Which bedroom is she going to have?

She's not having mine.

I may need it.

For entertaining.

Enter-ter-taining?

Since when did you do any entertaining?

I may be starting.

Don't take me for granted.

I'm on the verge of a much richer social life.

Oh, I see.

That's your game, is it?

Listen, I'm having no errand boys on the verge while the management's going short.

It's going to be my bachelor pad.

I'm going to redecorate it.

I'm going to put in some subdued lighting to set off me model aircraft.

Oh, dear.

I'll subdue your lighting if you're not careful, if you start that.

Your mother was just the same, you know.

I've never known anyone like her for s-saving electricity.

Yes, I shall have a few of my set dropping in for drinks.

They'll be known as the cocktail set.

They'll say, ''Hey, that Granville, he really knows how to shake a mean Joan Collins.

'' Tom Collins.

You shake who you like and I shake who I like.

That housekeeper is not having my bachelor pad.

Look, Granville, I wish you'd just relax and stop being so Hungarian about everything.

No one's going to take away your bachelor pad.

Where else would I store all them lavatory cleaners?

Hey, that's another thing.

I want them out.

They don't half clash with my Aubrey Beardsley print.

Very suitable from what I saw of it.

That reminds me, if you're the shopkeeper, she's the housekeeper, what am I going to keep?

Your mouth shut.

We're not going to have a live-in housekeeper.

-Well, what did you advertise for?

-It's just a shopkeeper's ploy.

It's just that I want to put a little bit of pe-po-pa-pe-pa-pep into my l-lovelife.

Oh, I see.

You're a conniving old man, aren't you, eh?

No, you are, you're devious.

You're always up to crafty little tricks.

Thank you, Granville, it's very nice of you to say so.

What am I doing, eh?

Live here with this wicked old uncle who's got no scruples.

I'm exposed to very little in the way of higher cultural influence.

We never talk about the aspects of the modern novel, or Chinese architecture.

Now come on, be honest, when was the last time that we had a chat about Chinese architecture?

When they b-built that take-away in Gladstone Street, wasn't it?

I would like to collect delicate porcelain figures.

Well, I'd like to give porcelain for Christmas.

''You know that Granville?

He always gives porcelain for Christmas.

'' I'd like to advise some of the most beautiful women in the world on how to improve their collections.

We're getting low on tins of Scrumptious again.

You're a dreamer, you are.

Porcelain.

The nearest you ever come to porcelain is the lavatory seat.

Your mother was a dreamer and all.

At least I think she was.

She used to lie down a lot.

-I wonder what me father did.

-He did quite enough.

You know, sometimes I feel as though I might be Hungarian.

You're a Budapest, I'll tell you that.

At least us Hungarians, we know how to sweep our women off their feet.

We don't have to advertise for live-in housekeepers.

Hey, there's a point.

Supposing some poor woman applies for the job?

-What, on the wages I pay?

-That's true, that's true.

Hey, look.

WOMAN: Gladys! Gladys! Look.

-She's coming, she's coming.

-She's going to k*ll you.

She's going to whip me smartly into wedlock, you watch.

Good morning, my bare-beloved.

I'm not your ''bare-beloved''.

No, I know and you never will be if you don't get on with it.

-I know what you're doing.

-I'm doing without, that's what I'm doing.

G-Granville, please, get your bike and get them orders out.

Go on.

-I got cycle fatigue.

-Get on with it.

There's no need to shove the poor lad out.

There's nothing I've got to say to you he can't hear.

Oh, good.

See?

You get worse! What are you doing starting all this gossip?

You've been keeping abreast of the local news, have you?

-I must say, it's a breast worth keeping.

-Get off, you big daft! You've been reading the newspaper, I see.

What I've been reading is you, like a book.

Live-in housekeeper.

Well, you seem superbly qualified from this angle.

-When can you start?

Or have you started?

-I know what you're doing.

Yes, I can do it better if you let go of me hand.

-You're trying to rush me into marriage.

-Rush?

Do you call six years a rush?

It's all a big bluff.

If some woman answered this advert, you'd wet your bacon counter.

You'd go to pieces in case she found that old tin you keep your money in.

Keep it down.

Keep your voice down about our tin.

That's our little nest egg, is that.

Well, it's time it was hatched.

You've been sitting on it long enough.

(GRANVILLE CHUCKLING) There's a chicken in here.

You see! This place is infested with errand boys.

Don't pull his ear, you'll stretch it.

''That Granville, he's got long ears, you know.

'' -Poor love.

-Hey, don't harbour him in your bosom.

He's unmanageable at a body temperature like that.

Get him out of there.

Granville, come on.

Come on.

Granville.

Granville.

(WHISTLING) Come on, watch this, look.

The Bounty hunters, come on, look.

-You like those, don't you?

-They're lovely.

Put your money in the till.

I wish I'd stayed where I was.

More coconuts in there than there is in here.

You shouldn't pull his ear.

It's traditional to handle errand boys b-by the ears.

Like rabbits.

A species with which they have much in common, if you give them half a chance.

I hate this till.

Go on, get on with it.

It won't b-bite you.

It's got me! Look, it's got me.

I knew it would! Look.

Have you seen this?

What do you think?

Can you twist him this way?

-Careful, careful.

-This will put paid to your cocktail set.

Just leave me.

Save yourselves! It never lets go.

-I think we'd do better without them trousers.

-I've been saying that for years.

-Not yours, his.

-Oh, I see.

Great, this is.

Granville slips nonchalantly out of his trousers.

I had hoped it would be in a more romantic setting.

What have you g-got on there?

That's not underwear for working in.

That's underwear for fa-faffing about in.

-Can you lift your leg?

-I'm lifting.

Mind his leg, leave him alone.

It's not your business.

-It's time you changed this rotten till.

-Change the till?

This has done me very well has this till.

It's not satisfied with money.

It wants blood now.

Hey.

Why ever are you putting your Granville into that till?

Don't worry, Mrs Bickerdyke.

He's just putting a little something away for a rainy day.

-Cover me up, cover me up! -Which part is your up?

Strange how Hungarian he looks from some angles.

That reminds me.

There was this man up on Arnold Crescent, plumber and wife-swapper, in business for himself, he used to wear things like that.

You could see them on his clothesline.

I used to think, ''Yes, mister, I don't care what's leaking, ''you'll never be invited under my sink.

'' Quite right, Mrs Bickerdyke.

You keep your waste disposal to yourself.

What's he doing advertising for live-in housekeepers?

He'd drop dead if anyone applied.

He's all wind and economy.

Well, they're bad for your heart, are live-in housekeepers.

There was him up in Finkle Street.

d*ed very sudden from a live-in housekeeper.

They seem to be much more over-stimulating than legal wives.

And I know what you'd die of.

Acute constriction of the wallet.

You might be surprised how quickly I would take to a suitable applicant.

There will be a warm shopkeeper's welcome waiting for anyone who will walk through that door.

(CLATTERING) Except her.

Listen, go and serve the l-l-a.

The old.

The customer.

Customer?

Is he talking to me?

I'm not a customer.

She's not a customer.

No, I'm not a customer.

I just come in answer.

We're clo.

We're clo.

We're clo.

We're shut! -Shut?

-Shut, yes.

-What's he doing shut?

-Don't talk to him.

He doesn't even work here.

We are sh-shut on account of the f-f-festival.

-Festival?

What festival?

-The festival.

The SaintSaint C-C-Cecil's.

We always shut early on S-Saint C-C-Cecil's.

Who's Sir Cecil?

Not S-Sir Cecil, just C-C-C-Cecil.

News to me.

What do people do on Saint Cecil's?

They shut early.

It's one of the biggest shut-earlying festivals in the whole of Yorkshire.

Which one of you fellas is Arkwright?

Well, it's not me.

I'm his live-out lady-friend.

Oh.

Well, will you tell him I called in answer to a request from me friend Mrs Dowdall, who is housebound on account of a terrible knee.

Will you tell him Mrs Dowdall only requires two small browns tomorrow not three?

-All right, don't worry.

I'll tell him, love.

-Thank you very much.

Sorry.

There's more staff than customers in this shop.

Take one of your green tablets.

I think you've developed a fever.

Fever?

I should think I have developed a fever.

That's a small brown loaf we're down tomorrow.

Did you see his hand?

Any crisis, he goes straight to his wallet.

I wish somebody would apply.

I love to see him when he gets into a state.

It's, ''We're c-c-c-c.

We're c-c-c-c.

''We're shut.

'' GRANVILLE: Hey up, it's the Black Widow.

Now, she'd put the fear of God into him, wouldn't she, eh?

She'd put the fear of God into God.

Hey, do you reckon we could persuade her to pretend to apply for the job?

You know, just for a laugh.

-The Black Widow?

-Aye.

To get a laugh out of her, she'd need surgery.

Do you think she knows how?

Good day to you, Mrs Featherstone.

Is it?

Maybe it is if you're young and daft.

Life's not so funny for mature persons of a sober disposition.

Told you.

All the more reason for us to have a little joke when we get the opportunity.

-Listen, I.

-Must you breathe in my ear?

I'm not sure it's seemly, young men breathing in your ear.

And I hope we'll have no joking when I'm living here.

I'll thank you not to go breathing in my ear when I'm your live-in housekeeper.

Can you repeat that slowly, please, Mrs Featherstone?

You mean, you're going to apply?

Can you think of any one better qualified to lighten the burden of a prosperous businessman?

I've always admired the strength of his grip on money.

He needs someone by his side.

A person of the same sober financial disposition.

The Black Widow in his lap.

He's in for a shock.

Should be interesting.

Are you coming in to see the fun?

Don't be too anxious.

Give her a moment to break it to him gently.

I'll t-take the orders out.

G-Granville, w-watch the shop! (BELL TINKLING) I'll call again when it's more convenient.

The Black Widow.

I've unleashed a m-monster.

I knew it was a bad omen when you caught your t-trousers in the till.

''Hello,'' I thought, ''that's a b-bit near the knuckle.

'' Near enough for me, too.

I've never been able to read tea leaves, but errand boy's trousers I can decipher in a flash.

Sometimes even before they flash.

(BELL TINKLING) Hey, s-s-supposing it's her.

The-the Black Widow.

Mrs Fer-Fer-Fer.

Mrs Fer-Fer-Fer.

You know, her.

Go and see.

Go on, you go.

I never thought I'd see the day when I was frightened to answer me own bell.

Mrs Featherstone would like a word.

Relax, relax, relax.

It's only a fella.

Oh, you! Who's come to apply for a job as a live-in housekeeper.

No, it's a customer.

It's just an ordinary customer.

Go on.

Supposing she comes in while I'm serving.

You go, go on.

Good morning, can I.

No, I've got to get out there and sell.

I can't just f-faff about in here.

I haven't got the underwear for it.

And now, sir, what little Arkwright bargain can I get you?

I'll just g-get my assistant.

(CLEARS THROAT) Good morning, can I.

-He's gone.

-You let him get away now.

Me?

Why's it always my fault?

I hate losing f-fully-grown customers.

The little ones are different.

You don't mind throwing a few of them back for later.

Oh, dear.

Don't start going to pieces.

All you've got to do is to put the woman off.

I don't want her to live here anymore than you do.

I mean, who wants a live-in zombie?

What I want to know is, how come when she d*ed, they buried her husband?

Look, never mind that.

How am I going to put her off?

I wish you'd tell me that instead of p-poking your trousers in the till.

It's simple, it's simple.

She's only attracted to you because she thinks you're a money grabber and a miserly old skinflint.

I don't know w-where she got that idea from.

All you got to do is make her think that you're a reckless big spender.

A big sus-spender?

No, no, try and take your mind off Nurse Gladys' underwear for a minute, will you?

If she thinks you're a spender, you know, a big spender, she'll disappear over the horizon.

How can I do that?

She's the customer, not me.

I'm supposed to take the money and then give it a good home.

Look, you've been threatening to redo the shop front for years, right?

Listen, let her see you getting that done.

That'll frighten her off.

But you're going to have to be reckless.

-Reckless?

-Aye, utterly.

Utterly and reckless?

Granville, I-I'm just glad your poor mother isn't here to hear you using all this f-foul language.

I'll think about it.

-Look, it's no good.

-No, no, no! Please.

Not another r-rude word.

They say he authorised massive changes to his shop front.

I didn't think he was the type.

They get to his age, they get the urge to do things with their own fronts.

I'd have this out.

I'd have that out.

A full new exterior.

A whole expanse of glass.

You must go for glass.

-What's the matter with your uncle?

-He's all right.

He gets a sort of sympathetic pregnancy every time large bills start coming due.

(STUTTERING) How much?

You're going to be looking at that.

Well, I'll t-tell you what I'm g-going to do with you.

I'm going to go for p-part of the scheme.

You won't regret it.

We can transform this place.

-It'll be like a fairytale.

-Yeah.

Which part of the scheme were you interested in?

Well, I'm going to go for a whole new.

A whole n-n-new d-doorknob.

And k-knobs to the lot of you.

It's been a funny day.

I wish our Granville hadn't got so much loose trouser.

Enough room in there for a live-in housekeeper.

Fancy getting them caught in the till.

Still, better Granville's trousers than Mrs Featherstone's hand.

Not to mention her trousers.

God preserve me from ever having to mention her unmentionables.

One thing is certain, she'll never get her knicker legs over my washing line.