03x03 - October 6, 1991

[bunniefuu]

- [No Audible Dialogue]
- [Clears Throat]

We have a very full agenda today.
Let's get started.

- Justice Thomas, take your seat, please.
- Uh, sure.

Just call me Clarence. Just makin' sure
everybody had a hot cup of coffee.

Just wanna make sure
everyone's happy.

You know me. Nothin' wrong
with kissin' a little butt.

Thank you, Justice.

Okay. Our first case is
the State of Washington versus...

Kareem Johnson...
discrimination.

- Nay.
- Nay.

Double nay.

Don't you even want
to discuss the case, Justice Thomas?

Oh, come on.
The guy's a whiner.

You let one black guy
complain about discrimination...

and the next thing you know
you have the... [Scoffing]

State of Washington v. Kool & The g*ng.
[Laughing]

Let 'em get a job the old-fashioned way.
Let 'em earn it.

Uh, you want
another bran muffin?

- I could use some more coffee, Clarence.
- Sure thing.

Okay. Let's move on to the case of
Springfield Police Department versus...

Hector Rodriguez Gonzales.

- [Clearing Throat]
- Justice Thomas.

Uh, me?
Uh, well, uh...

how are the rest of you guys
gonna vote?

- I'm voting for the police department.
- Oh, yeah. Right, right.

Yeah, the police department. I mean, come on.
They fired four warning sh*ts.

Unfortunately, three of them hit the guy.

But, hey, if you're gonna jaywalk
in front of Winchell's, don't come cryin' to us.

I say, uh,
whatever the rest of you guys say.

Justice Thomas, I realize
this is your first day...

but you've got to relax.

Take it easy. You're going to be here
for the rest of your life.

Uh, wait a minute. Um, I have this job
for the rest of my life?

You're just like Daryl Gates.
They can't get rid of you.

So-So-So...

So, let me get this straight.

No matter what I do, no matter
who I piss off, I'm here to stay?

- More or less, yes.
- Oh, man!

- Justice Thomas!
- I'd love a refill on my coffee.

Yo, man, you better
get out of my face.

This ain't no damn Denny's.
Get it yourself.

Excuse me, baby.

Now let's get back to this case
involving my main man, Rodriguez.

Now this is clearly a case
of"po-lice" brutality.

Five minutes ago,
you were against him.

Yeah, well, five minutes ago, I was a black judge
appointed by Bobo, the white president.

- Well, what are you now?
- I'm your darkest nightmare...

a black judge
with a powerful hung jury.

- Clarence!
- [Imitating Sidney Poitier]
You call me Mister Thomas.

This is a complete outrage!

The unmitigated gall!

You have betrayed everyone
who worked to put you on this court.

Look here, man,
I don't know what you said...

but I am awfully sorry... I guess
you thought you knew Clarence Thomas.

- ♪♪ [Soul]
- I bet you all sittin' here
right now sayin' to yourselves...

♪ Who's the black
Supreme Court judge ♪

♪ Who's a rights machine
for the brothers ♪

- ♪ Thomas ♪
- ♪ Clarence Thomas ♪

- ♪ They say this cat Thomas is a bad mother... ♪
- Shut your mouth!

- But I'm just talkin' about Clarence.
- [All] We can dig it!

♪ He's a complicated man ♪

♪ And nobody understands him
but his woman ♪

- ♪ Court adjourned ♪♪
- [Justices] Right on!

Now, see here!

If you leave,
don't come back!

This is unacceptable!

This is unacceptable!

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Adiós, señorita.

[Shouting, Indistinct]

¡A y.! ¡Dios mío.!
Thief! Stop!

Those men...
they stole my fruit.!

If only El Rocketeer
were here to save me.

♪♪ [Dramatic]

[Power Blast]

[Both Laughing]

[Groans]

[Engine Fires]

- [Gasps]
- Who was that hombre?

And where the hell
did he come from?

Gracias, Rocketeer.
Gracias.

[Announcer, Spanish Accent] He is the law
and order from the south of the border.

He is El Grande y Spectacular
Muchacho Rocketeer.

Coming this summer
to theaters everywhere.

And look for your
El Muchacho Rocketeer glasses and mugs...

at your participating
Taco Bell and Del Taco.

- [Bullhorn Blares]
- All right, people. Freeze!

Now, this is Al Macafee,
your metal shop teacher.

Now, I got a dirty job to do,
so listen up, kids.

The local school board has ordered me
to distribute condoms to you students.

Personally, I don't get it.
You can't say a prayer in front of you kids...

but it's okay for me to teach you
how to Saran Wrap your jolly parts.

Here, take 'em. Take as many as you like.
See what I care.

But let me tell you somethin', missy.
You are drag racin' with a loaded g*n.

I'm gonna call your parents
and tell 'em what you're up to.

- Mr. Macafee, I don't even want these.
- Yeah, I'm not fooled.

I was young once too.
I know what it's like to be a...

steaming cauldron of lust...

wantin' it...

burnin' for it.

Lying in bed at night...
those cold sheets rubbin' against your...

soft, hot, prepubescent flesh.

- You're sick!
- You can't fool the Mac Man, baby!

I know you're just a one-woman welcome wagon
for the incoming freshmen.

What's this?
Why don't you take a hike, you little trollop.

Now, how many times have I told you about
fraternizing between classes, Hardison?

- What the hell is this?
- Geez, Mr. Macafee. Those are
crib notes for my math class.

Yeah? I'll be the judge of this.

"The input of the square root
into 'Y "'...

"The angle of the hypotenuse
is equal to"...

Why, this is smut, mister.

Mr. Macafee, now I'll never
figure out that problem.

This is the kind of problem you should be trying
to figure out on your wedding night.

- Four eyes.
- You've ruined everything.

Well, maybe I'd better give you
Mr. Macafee's speech on "permiscuity."

- [Whimpering, Crying]
- When you think with your crotch,
you're gonna end up crotchety.

Just remember that one of those nights when
you got a party in your pants.

Get outta here.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Now, this is what
I like to see...

a couple of young, spirited bucks getting ready
to play one of your boyish pranks.

- "Young Buck's" my middle name, Mr. Macafee.
- I know what you're doin'.

Heck, I used to love to do a little bit of that
myself when I was a lad.

You're gonna fill 'em up with water, take 'em
on the roof, throw 'em off, huh, boys?

Well, we was goin' to the roof.

There you go.
Take as many as you like.

Go ahead, boys.
Have a good time.

- Wow. You're kind of firm.
You been workin' out, son?
- [Both] Thank you, Mr. Macafee.

Bye-bye now.

- Oh, stop right there, princess.
- Back off, Macafee.

You know, the combination of Al "Mac-a-licious"
Macafee and fine American latex...

can be quite intoxicating.

What do you say we take a couple of
these babies out and see what they can do.

Kind of push the envelope.
I got a bottle of baby oil in my locker.

[Snorting]

I wouldn't be in a room with you
and one of those things...

if I could watch you
pull it over your big head and suffocate.

It's this, huh, baby?
The old bum hip.

Well, let me tell you something. When a man
loses the use of one of his appendages...

all the others
work that much harder.

You know, they used to
call me Lizard Tongue.

[Snaps]
You didn't know that, did you?

Oh, she wants me.

Excuse me, young lady.
What seems to be the problem?

Don't you want
any prophylactics, honey?

Gee, Mr. Macafee,
I don't really have any use for them.

Yeah, I understand.

I guess you just aren't having much luck
with the boys, huh, honey?

I tell you what. There's your problem,
little lady. You're out of shape.

A few hundred sit-ups in the morning
will burn that beer belly right off.

You know, I think it's time you heard
Mr. Macafee's speech on courtship.

Boys don't make passes
at girls with fat asses.

- Now take a lesson!
- [Crying]

Hey, Macafee, man. You know, I really dig
what you're doin' with this condom thing.

Well, thanks, son.
You got quite a hell of a grip there.

Yeah, man. A lot of teachers... they make us
feel weird about this kind of stuff.

But, see, you cool, man.
You down with the brothers.

Thanks a lot, my boy.

Yeah. I think when the kids
need somebody to talk to...

they know they can always
turn to me, Al Macafee.

- [Bullhorn Blares]
- All right. Carry on, kids!

- [Man Speaking]
- ♪♪ [House]

♪♪ [Woman Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

I'll never forget the first time
I kissed a girl.

It was in the backseat
of my dad's old Impala.

Yeah, man. Makin'out
in your old man's car.

My dad had a Volkswagen.

I couldn't do much of anything
in the backseat of that thing.

The first time I did it, I was
in a little red Corvette...

with Sheena Easton and Vanity.

Or was that Morris?
♪ Ooh-ee ♪

- Butt out, man.
- ♪♪ [Squeal]

The craziest thing I ever did was break up
with my high school sweetheart.

[Chuckles] Man, when it comes to women,
we're always doin'something crazy.

I know what you mean. One time,
I poured chocolate all over Sheila E.

Or was that Morris?
♪♪ [Squeal]

- ♪♪ [Squeal]
- Butt out, man.

[Low Yelp]

Man, you really wanna turn a girl on,
put on some Luther Vandross.

Oh, man.
That works with some girls.

But the guy who really gets 'em goin'
is RickJames.

You're both wrong.
Whenever I want a woman to get wild...

all I have to do is...

♪♪ [Funk]

♪ Bet your bottom dollar
Ooh ♪

♪ That I can make you
feel all right ♪

♪ And if I make ya holler
Yeah-ooh ♪

♪Just grit your teeth
and hold on tight ♪

♪ I got a hole in my jeans ♪

Watch, you guys.
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

[Announcer]
Butt OutJeans by Prince.

They're everything
they're cracked up to be.

Salima! Salima Jones!
Girl!

I see you walkin'
past my booth, Miss Thing.

You better come on over here
and get some of Miss Benita's gumbo.

Salima!

Hey! I'm glad
you could make it.

We don't get to have too many carnivals
here in the projects...

because they can't always
get the metal detectors.

But when they do, you know Miss Benita's
gonna be here with my famous gumbo.

'Cause everybody love my gumbo.
Mm! Mm!

Look! There go Cletha Watkins.
She the one that organized the whole thing.

Cletha! Cletha!

Ooh, that girl's deaf
as the day is long.

Ain't been right since that curlin' iron
set fire to the side of her head.

Cletha! Cletha!

Ooh, girl! What's that
I see on your finger?

[Laughing] Don't tell me Tyrone
finally proposed to you?

Oh, girl,
I'm so happy for you.

Now it's your turn to wait in line
at the justice of peace.

She need to be waitin' in line
at the free clinic.

Damn tramp had more men in her jeans
than Calvin Klein.

I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't heard it
from me. No, you haven't.

Oh, look-a there!
There go Luther, Luther Evans.

Luther! Luther!

You lookin'
for your little Thelma?

She's sittin' right over there
with the youth group all by herself.

Yeah, that girl know better
than mess with them triflin' boys.

More like them boys know better
than to mess with her.

Girl so ugly, her mama had to get drunk
just to breast-feed her.

Hair all patchy. Hair all patchy
like some crows been pickin' at it.

And with that lazy eye, you can't tell
if she lookin' at your head or your feet.

And you let keep eatin'
them scooter pies.

Already take the girl three days
to reach around and scratch her own ass.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't
heard it from me. No, you haven't.

Ooh, look, look!
There go Loretha!

Loretha! Mm! Mm!
Loretha! Mm! Mm!

Loretha! Girl!

How you doin'?
You got your little Tyrone with you.

Hey, Tee-Tee Ty-Tyroney.

How you doin', Tyrone? Oh!

Loretha, girl,
I hear you hit the number.

I betcha you played
, , and six, right?

[Laughing] Girl, you always said
those were your lucky numbers.

[Laughing, Gasping]

Her unlucky numbers
is more like it. Mm-hmm.

"Ten" for how many years
her husband been in prison.

"Thirty-four" for how old
she says she is.

"Forty-three" for how old
she really is.

And "six," that's how many years
that dumb-ass Tyrone been in the third grade.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

No, you haven't.

No, you haven't.

Look like everybody's
packin' up to leave this carnival.

Do you think this gumbo
gonna keep overnight?

'Cause, you know,
I got the recipe from Mrs. Jenkins.

[Crying]

Oh, Lord.
Oh, Lord. Mrs. Jenkins.

Don't nobody better say nothin' bad
about Mrs. Jenkins, honey.

'Cause that's when
Miss Benita go off!

I loves me some Miss Jenkins, honey.
She like a second mother to me.

Mm-hmm.
She said, "Miss Benita"...

She said, " This recipe
has been passed down...

"from my mother to me to you.

I'm passin' history."

That ain't all she passin'.

Woman's gas so stink,
it'll peel the skin off a potato.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard it from me.

No, you haven't.
Well, I guess I got to be goin'.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Shakespeare in the Park
is proud to present...

Romeo and Juliet.

♪♪ [Renaissance]

But soft! What light
through yonder window breaks?

It is the east,
and Juliet is the sun.

O Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

- Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
- [Man] Hey.!

Hey, what's goin' on?

What's all this racket about?

Can't a man use the bathroom
in privacy?

You know, these leaves
ain't too good for the skin.

They got thorns in it.

Just keep going.
Improvise. Improvise.

Um, Hark.

I see thou hast
brought forth a friend.

Hark. I see thou has
brought forth two friends.

If you bend any lower,
I'm gonna revert back to childhood.

[Cackling]

Get off the stage.
This is a play, you idiot.

Oh. Well, y'all in luck...

'cause I just happen
to be an actor.

But what soft wind breaks
through yonder buttocks?

It is I,
the Aroma from Verona...

or maybe
those Vienna sausages I had.

Go away.

My bounty is as boundless
as the sea...

my love as deep,
the more I give to thee.

Well, I can't
see your bounty from here...

but if it's anything like
that cleavage, I'm in love.

Juliet, I know not this man...

- nor do I understand of what he speaks.
- Ah!

Oh, well, maybe I should speak
more Shakespearean then.

To pee, or not to pee?

That is the question.

Oops. There's the answer.

"Get thee to a nunnery!"

Hamlet. .

Oh, well.
"Kiss my black ass."

Richard Pryor. .

That's it!

This is balderdash!
I just cannot work like this.

I swear to God,
I could just strangle you.

[Juliet]
Oh!

I bet you'd prefer
to choke my chicken.

[Cackling]

Ladies and gentlemen...

the part of Romeo
shall be played by moi...

Anton Jackson.

Excuse me.
Let me get into costume.

Friends, Romans, countrymen.

Lend me a dollar.
[Cackling]

O Romeo, Romeo.

Up here, Romeo.

Oh, Juliet.

Juliet, you are the queen
of my heart...

the flower of my garden...

the booger in my eye.

Ah, sir, this is one shrew
you shall not tame.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Yeah, you better part, bitch.

That bitch.
That bitch.

My kingdom for a bitch.

Come, bitter conduct.

Come, unsavory guide.

Thou desperate pilot.

Here's to my love.

O true apothecary.

[Audience Laughing]

Shakespeare always
made my mouth moist.

Thy dr*gs are quick.

Thus with a kiss I die.

Or get high.
[Cackling]

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.
No, no, no, no.

- [Audience Cheering]
- I got my eye on you.

Thank you very much.
You know, ultimately, I'd like to direct.

♪♪ [Theme]

Hey, yo!
Thanks for the laughs.

Yo, Twist,
tell 'em what to do.

- Tune in next week.
- Peace out, y'all.

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You for me and me...♪♪