02x06 - October 28, 1990

[bunniefuu]

Hi. I'm Keenan Ivory Wayans,
and welcome to the show.

You know, I've been trying to think of
different ways to open the show.

And tonight,
I said to myself, okay.

Now, what could I possibly do
to get it started large?

I couldn't think of anything better
than my main man...

from money-earnin'
Mount Vernon, Heavy D.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you
Do what you, do, do, do ♪

♪ Do, do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ How would you feel knowin'
everybody was your friend ♪

♪ From thin to thick
And through thick and thin ♪

♪ And egotistical trips
was put to an end ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪♪
- [Audience Applauding, Cheering]

[In Jamaican Accent] All rise.
This court is now in session.

The Honorable
Godfrey Headley presiding!

Hey, mon!

[Announcer] Hold on to your briefs,
it's time for another episode...

of"Hey Mon,"starring that
hard-working judicial family...

the Headleys.!

Bring in the first defendant.

Will the clerk of the court
read the charges?

The People vs. Beverly Trapp,
soliciting for prostitution!

Is the counsel for defense present?

- I am here, Your Honor.
- Then is the prosecutor present?

I am, Your Honor.

Wait a minute. You're the judge
and the prosecutor?

That's right. I'm also
the night court judge, the circuit judge...

the tennis court judge,
the judge of Star Search...

a good judge of character and
the understudy forJudge Reinhold.

That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

I'll be the judge of that.

Mr. Prosecutor,
call your first witness.

I call my "semi-lazical,"

hardly-got-six-jobs son
Byron to the stand.

Hurry up, Rasta boy. You're slow
as the sap on a coconut tree.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth?

- I do.
- Then who was the girl
I seen you with the other night?

- What's she talkin' about?
- Bailiff!

I'll ask the questions 'ere.

- Rambo Rasta Rambo boy.
- What you talkin' about?

Who was the woman
you saw her with last night?

- She was a prost*tute!
- [Judge, Bailiff Gasping]

- I was workin'!
- [Both Sighing]

And what do you do for a job?

I'm an undercover officer,
a parole officer,

a narcotics officer,
chief petty officer,

a petty chief officer,
a officer and a gentleman,

and I'm a makeup man
forJudge Reinhold.

Now, boy. Tell thejudge
what happen.!

- I was workin' as an undercover
Japanese businessman.
- Uh-huh.

Then this woman, she come
whisperin' somethin' in my ear.

Somethin' about
"givin' me a job" or somethin'!

- Oh, so this involves jobs!
- It certainly does.

And, how many jobs do you do?

Uh, I been known to do, uh,
jobs in a night, give or take.

Whoo! Twenty job in one night!

You one hard-working heifer.

Case dismissed. I want you
to meet me in my chamber.

Next.!

The People vs. Ryan Thomas,
armed robbery!

Your Honor. My client says
he has an airtight alibi.

Wait, this is the public defender?

That's right. I'm not only the P.D.,
I'm also the D.A., a C.P.A., an E.M. T...

an O.B. /G.Y.N., the M.V.P. Of
the L.P.G.A., and I am Judge Reinhold.

I have a very good makeup man,
you know.

Your Honor,
at the time of the crime...

- my client was nowhere near the scene.
- Yeah, that's right.

At least people saw me. I was
standin' in line to get my unemployment.

Unemployment!

You collectin' money
for not even workin'?

Ooh, that's a crime
if I ever heard of one!

You lazy radish Yankee tub,
get out of my court!

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

Next!

The State vs. Reginald McCort.!

McCort? What kinda dumb name
is that for a Rasta?

[In An Irish Accent]
Black Irish.

And what have you gotta
say for yourself, leprechaun?

Well, Your Honor, I admit, Your Honesty,
I'm a forger, an embezzler...

a burglar, a pickpocket,
a jaywalker, a shoplifter...

a numbers-runner, a con man.

I tear the labels off of mattresses,
and I make illegal copies...

ofJudge Reinhold movies.

Court Stenographer,
how many t'ing were that...

- "Mr. Lucky Charm" say?
- Ten t'ings!

Ten t'ings?

You one hard-working mon.

I sentence you to
ten year at hard labor.

Thank you, Your Honesty.

Did you hear what I said?
I said, "hard labor"!

[Together]
Hey, mon!

I sentence all the Headleys
to ten years' hard labor.

- [Sighs]
- Hilda, you gonna make a license plate.

Byron, you gonna do the laundry.
Matilda, you gonna get in the metal shop.

And l... I gonna work
in the chain g*ng.

- [Together] Hey!
- Okay, we share the chain g*ng.

[Together]
Hey, mon! Then we go to jail!

♪♪ [Reggae]

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

[Announcer] Shahara Zah Ali.
You've seen her on Donahue.

And it's every black man's right to slap
a black woman in the mouth.

Mm-hmm.

You've seen her on
SallyJessy Raphael.

A black woman should not complain
about sharin' her black man.

Don't deny it.
You're denyin' it! See...

And, you've seen her on
Farm Report.

Furthermore, if a black hog
wants to keep his sty together...

he should slap his black sow in the mouth
when she needs it... don't deny it!

She's Shahara Zah Ali, the author of...

You've read her book.
Now, get her new, how-to video.

This easy to follow,
step-by-step guide...

will make you, once again,
the king of your domain.

Find out if you have what it
takes with this simple quiz...

from part one ofher video,
"Lines of Communication."

- Hey, babe.
- Hi, baby!

- Is it : already?
- You know it.

Oh, you know LittleJake went and blew up
his Ninja Turtle in the microwave today.

And then Aquanetta twisted and broke
her ankle tryin' to do that Vogue dance...

- so, I mean, I had to rush her to the hospital.
- So I got no dinner?

Mm-hmm. Now what
would you do in this situation:

A., take her out to a nice restaurant...

B., have dinner at your girlfriend's...

or C., give her an open-handed slap
in the mouth?

The answer, of course, is "C."

A good slap in the mouth will
train your black woman...

not to put her trivial
concerns over your needs.

Situation number two. Your wife
finds out you're havin'an affair.

With my own sister?

Look, l...

What do you give your wife:
A., a dozen long-stem roses...

B., the necklace you were going
to give your girlfriend...

or C., an open-handed slap
in the mouth?

Now, if you said "C", you're well
on your way to becoming king.

Now here's a tough one.
Your wife does somethin'nice.

I say it's tough, 'cause a black woman ain't
gonna never do nothin'nice for a black man.

She's sneaky, and if she does
something nice, it's a trick... watch her.

Hey, baby! I got you
two tickets to the Lakers game.

Lemme see those...

Do you, A., thank her and ask
her if she'd like to join you...

B., thank her and take
your girlfriend...

or C., give her an open-handed slap
in the mouth?

The answer is "B" and "C."

Before you take your girlfriend,
remember this:

An unexpected slap never hurts.

Now, if you answered any
of these questions correctly...

you're ready to move on
to Part Two:

"Puttin' the Man
Back in Manhandling."

Featurin' actual demonstrations
by real experts...

such as Mike Tyson
and Ike Turner.

Order my video: A Blackman's Rights
Lefts & Uppercuts.

Make your wife buy it today.
If she hesitates...

you know what to do.

- [Clicks]
- Hey, I was watchin' that.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah? Well, you're gonna be.

Shahara Zah that!

So is this place okay for you, or...

Yeah, no. It's fine.
I think it looks fine.

I figured you'd like it, you know.
Soul food and stuff.

Hey, thanks Jake.
[Chuckling]

It's our way of sayin' welcome to
the practice, man. Make you feel at home.

- Uh, hello?
- Oh, just a second. I'll be right with ya.

How are my two babies doin' today?

- We're doin' good. How are you?
- Ohh...

My rheumatism actin' up.
And my piles been painin' me.

But I couldn't be better, now that
my two good-lookin' gentlemen friends...

have come in to have a good old,
home-cooked meal from Mama.

- Who said veal? Somebody want veal?
Pick it up.
- [Rings Bell]

Oh, you the spittin' image
of my godson Jarvis.

- Frances, don't he look likeJarvis?
- Mm-hmm. Look just likeJarvis.

Mm-hmm.

- You boys seems so fancy. What are ya?
- [Chuckling]

[Chuckling]
Well, we're both orthodontists.

Oh, baby, that ain't nothin'
to be ashamed of.

'Course, I'm a Baptist myself.

But I hear y'all got
a good service.

Mm-hmm! Just likeJarvis.

- I ain't say nothin' about noJarvis.
- You just said Jarvis.

I said that three days ago.
Where you been?

- Don't get my pressure up.
- Who said they want fruit cup?

Pick it up!

[Phone Ringing]

- [Rings]
- Oh. Y'all gonna stand around like
my name is Ma Bell.

Hmm. Every time the phone rings,
everybody goes deaf.

- But me. Makes me sick.
- [Ringing Continues]

[Mumbling]
Hello? Snackin' Shack.

They'll be a minute wait.

Johnny Carson? I don't care
if you Johnny Appleseed.

There's still a minute wait.

- Excuse me?
- No need to excuse yourself. What you want?

- I'd like to be seated.
- I'd like to have these corns off my feet...

but we can't always
have what we want.

- But the tables are empty.
- They empty, but they reserved.

- You got a reservation?
- No, but...

Then you just gonna have to wait till
I sit yo' big butt down there, won't you?

Uh, excuse me?
Ma'am, could we get some water?

Oh, sure, baby.

Why don't you do the ordering?

- Yeah, do the ordering.
- Here you go, drink up.

- Oh, thanks.
- Do you have any Pellegrino?

Oh, no, baby.
That's just a little bit of psoriasis.

But boy, it sure do make
my skin flake.

- Who say they want steak?
Pick it up! Steak!
- [Rings Bell]

So, what you two boys gonna have?

- Oh, don't pay no mind to this.
- Uh, well let me see.

What about the, uh, meat loaf?

- Meat loaf!
- Meat loaf!

- Ain't no mo' meat loaf.
- Ain't no mo' meat loaf.

- We ain't got no mo' meat loaf.
- All right.

Uh, then what about
the fried chicken?

- Fried chicken!
- Fried chicken!

- Ain't no mo' fried chicken.
- No mo' fried chicken.

- We ain't got no mo' fried chicken.
- All right. All right.

- Um, uh, then give me the ribs.
- Ribs!

- Ribs!
- Ain't no mo' ribs.

- What do you have?
- We have chitlins.

Oh, that sounds great.
How is it prepared?

Only but one way
to prepare 'em.

First, you cut 'em out the pig,
then you squeeze out the dookey...

then you turn 'em inside out and let 'em
set in bleach for about two days.

And just as the funk start risin' off
the top, that's when you boil 'em.

[Groaning] Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, I think I'll have some soup.

- Okay. Two soups.
- Two soups. Pick it up!

- [Rings]
- Excuse me?

Now I said that I'd be with you. Now don't
you rush me. Mama gonna have to spank you.

- I'll be with you when I finish.
- Who wants spinach? Pick it up!

Excuse me, ma'am? Excuse me?
I think I'll need a spoon.

- What you say, baby?
- Uh, spoon?

Oh, did Mama forget
to give you the silverware?

Oh, baby, I'm sorry. You want
a big spoon or a little spoon?

- Uh, soup spoon.
- Oh, let Mama see what she got
down here for you.

Oh, here you go, baby.
You want a napkin?

Uh, no-no, no, no, no!

- I'll, uh...
- Use up his sleeves.

[Laughing]

- Hey, you know what? This is really good.
- Oh, yeah?

Excuse me? What's in this soup?

Oh, let me see.

Oh, feel like your earring, Frances.
And your hairnet too.

Oh, oh, lucky day!

Oh! Oh, look.
I'm sorry, man.

- Who said they want Spam? Spam! Pick it up!
- [Rings Bell]

Uh, I just can't eat here.
I hope you're not offended.

Offended? No. Not really.

I know this great place on
the west side. Want to check it out?

- Sounds great.
- All right, let's go.

- It's your night.
- Where you goin', babies?

They didn't even touch their food.

Excuse me. Can I please get
a seat now?

Oh, baby, you can sit wherever you want.
But the kitchen's closed.

So if you want to eat, you're gonna have to
take your chubby behind somewhere else.

Somebody sayJarvis was out here?

[Chattering]

Benny! Hey, I just wanted to thank
you for inviting me here.

You know, nothing makes me happier
than saving the dolphins.

Except for workin' for you at Gemco,
maybe, huh?

I'm sure everyone here would agree.

- Oh, no! What is he doin' here?
- I'm sorry?

Excuse me, sir.
This party is by invitation only.

Well, the name is Frenchy.
And don't be so "Coupe de Ville."

Of course I have an invitation.
I'm here with Benny.

Hey, Benny!
High five! High five!

High five! Better than me.
You see? I'm with him.

Now, you know I got to be,
because I'm hip.

I'm slick. And all the women
love... my clothes. Gotcha!

Hey, Benny!
Mon soufflé, man!

- What?
- [Waiter, Indistinct]

Oh, man! What you got here, Benny?
Ain't nothin' but some frankfurters...

wrapped in bread, man!

I thought you told me it was a classy affair.
I'm glad I brought these hot wings.

- What are you... Oh, my...
- Here, man.

- How the hell did you find me?
- Oh, "très simplé."

When you accidentally threw
my number in the trash can...

I ran outside and took down
your license plate number.

Then I called the D.M.V.
They give me your ex-wife's last name?

I called her. I talked to her for
five minutes, and you know what she say?

Here the address, here the telephone
number, just go on down there.

She say me and you
deserve each other, Benny.

Oh, yeah. I owe her one.
Can you excuse me a second?

- I gotta get something over here.
- All right.

Well, bonjour, "mon derrière."

It's a pleasure
to make your "acquaint-ance."

Uh, I'm a friend of Benny. My name is
Leonard, but everybody calls me Frenchy.

- Oh, why is that?
- 'Cause I took French in th grade.

And I love to kiss that way.

You certainly do!

Hey, Bruce Lee!
[Karate Screaming]

- A friend of Benny's.
- Man, I love your movies, man.

- Hi! [Giggling]
- Yeah, hi!

Say hello to Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar for me.

Look, um, Frenchy, do you know that
this affair cost over $ , a head?

- A thousand dollars a head?
- Yes!

Oh, man, you gettin' ripped off.
I know these...

No, no, no. That's not what I mean,
all right?

This is to raise funds
for the dolphins.

Oh, man! I don't tell you how
to spend your money, Benny.

- But it's the Rams that's in trouble!
- Oh, you are a...

Excuse me.
That is a gorgeous gown.

- Well, thank you, Benny.
- Uh-huh. That look like
the one my mama got...

on the Home Shopping Club.

- Is that polyester?
- No, actually, it's % raw silk.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, maybe one day you can
save up and put some on layaway.

Oh! Hey, Bruce Lee!
[Karate Screams]

What's goin' on, man? How you doin'?
What's you drinkin', man?

What they got there, champagne?
Oh, man.

B.Y.O.B.B.
"Bring Your Own Brown Bag."

That's right.
I got the good stuff here.

"Cold Duck." That's right.

Give ya half the taste and twice the gas.

- [Laughs]
- You like that? But hey, I'm hip.

I'm slick, and all the women
want my phone number.

[Laughs] Hey, Benny.
Let's toast to Benny.

- Benny! This is for you!
- Cheers!

Whoo!
Hey, Benny man.

I don't want you to think... I don't want you
to think I'm makin' friends over there...

- and I done forgot about you...
have a little swig.
- [Clears Throat]

- As I was saying, I received
my B.A. From S.M.U.,
- Yes.

- And my Ph.D. From M.I.T.
- Uh-huh. Well, well! "Très impress me."

I'll have you know that
I bought my B.L.T. From Mickey D's.

Get all my ground beef from A&P...

- and once got V.D. In D.C.
- Whoa!

All right, all right, all right.

I guess it's time for me
to get this party started.

Hey, man! "Excusa moi."

Monsieur Massengill.

- Now, do you know any RickJames?
- Oh, I don't know.

Come on, man. Trust me.
That's what this party needs, man!

I used to be the tambourine player with
Cephus and Reesie so I know music, man.

Now, come on, let's count it off
on four, "Superfreak," right?

One, two, three, four!

- ♪♪ [Funk]
- ♪♪ [Singing]

Oh, watch me now.

You ain't never seen nobody
funky penguin like this, huh?

- Ah, shucks, now. Funky chicken.
- ♪♪ [Continues]

I can do all the birds, man.
Hey, everybody. "Soul Train."

Let's line it up, now.
Come on, woman.

That's right!
I want all the men on this side...

all the ladies on that side.

All right...
East Coast, West Coast...

East Coast, West Coast...

♪♪ [Singing]

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- What, man?

You the owner of the red Pinto
out there? Go move it!

Hey, man. I ain't drivin' a Pinto.

I'm drivin' a Gremlin. Excuse me!

- ♪♪ [Chanting]
- What are you...

- ♪♪ [Continues]
- You Jheri-Curl-juice-drippin' sharecropper!

You're turnin' my party into a fiasco!

Oh, you ain't gotta thank me,
mon toupée.!

It's what I do, man!
'Cause I'm hip, I'm slick...

and all the women
love my cologne!

Come on!

- ♪♪ [Chanting]
- I don't know this man. I don't know him.

[All Yelling Together]

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

[All Laughing]

We outta here!
See ya next week.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪♪