01x09 - He Ain't Heavy, He's My Father

[bunniefuu]

Then, when I was 1 4, I reallywanted curly hair Iike that guy in Twisted Sister, so I shaved my head and thought curly thoughts.

It didn't work, but I did learn to wiggle my ears that summer.

Anyway, uh, yeah, the short answer toyour question would be, "Yes, I am a U.S.

citizen.

" Thankyou.

Dharma, this is just a routine background check.

- They don't need to knowyourwhole life story.

- Come on, Greg.

I'm getting grilled by the F.

B.

I.

I caved.

Mrs.

Montgomery, I'm not grilling you.

This is a security clearance soyour husband can look at some classified evidence.

You don't have to worry about Greg.

He's really good at keeping secrets.

Just ask him what we did in his office last week.

Uh, nothing.

We didn't do anything.

That's good, honey.

See?

All right.

I thinkwe're almost done here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

One more thing

- 'causeyou're gonna find out eventually so let me just get it all out.

When I was 1 3, I stole a bra from Sears 'cause my mom wouldn't let me have one.

Uh, put me down for that one too.

Shut up.

I wrapped it around a telephone pole and practiced unhooking it.

Well, now, I'm really sure we're done.

Um, Mrs.

Montgomery, ifyou could just give meyour parents' address I'd like to ask them a few questions.



- You're gonna do a background check on my parents?



- Standard procedure.

Uh, well, here.

I'll just write it down foryou.

It will be faster.



- [ Pencil Cracking ]



- Oops! I'm gonna go buyya a new pencil.



- [ Chuckles ]



- Larry, run! I'm really sorry about this, Abby.

Honey, it's notyour fault.

We always knew this day might come.

When you live with a wanted man, every day that he's free is a precious gift.

Okay, I found the emergency suitcase.



- "Nixon Now"?



- It's camouflage to blend in with the establishment.

Oh, honey, I don't think these are gonna fityou anymore.

Oh! I'll take 'em.

Those are awesome.

Okay, here areyourvitamins.

Hey, come on, Abby.

I can't haul these things around.



- I gotta travel light.

I'm goin' underground.



- Well, let's just move some ofthese eight tracks, make a little room.



- What am I gonna listen to?



- Oh, hey, Larry! Cool, look.

You can use my Discman.



- Doyou have Strawberry Alarm Clock on CD?



- Larry, nobody does.

Do you have a nice pair of pants and a shirt?

What difference does it make?

I'm going underground.

What if underground you go out someplace nice?

Pack up.

Well, sweetie I may not be seeing you for a while.

Larry, I can't help thinking this is all my fault.

No, no, no.

It's notyour fault.

I'm the one that b*rned those draft records.

I'm the one that crippled the Vietnam w*r machine.

And ifliving like a hunted animal is the price I have to pay, then so be it.

Can'tyou just go staywith Grandma?

Not unless I cut my hair and finish college.

[ Sobs ]

I wantyou towearthewarm jacket because it gets chilly at night.

Okay.

And I broughtyou a pillow.



- Oh, come on, Abby.



- Well, what?

You want to make up in the morning with a stiff neck and be cranky?

I'm runnin' for my life! I'm supposed to be cranky!

-Just take it.



- Okay.

Well, I guess this is it.

Oh! I got a list of places here that ifyou want to contact me, you can leave a message.

"Crazy Dave's Record Shop.

" That's a Starbucks now, Larry.

Then use the others.

The free clinic on Market Street.

No, that's a Starbucks too.

Okay.

I'll contact you.

Good

-bye.

Love you.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]



- [ Sighs ]



- [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh! Oh! I forgot my backpack.

It's on your back, Larry.

Right.

Hey, Greg,you're not gonna believe what happened to me last night.



-Does it involve a woman in a bar?



-Will you let me tell the story?



- Sorry.



- So I'm at this bar last night, right?



- This woman walks up, right?



- Really?

I'm not gettin' anywhere with her until I whip out my brand

-new security clearance card.

Next thing you know, she's all over me like a Russian spy.



- Pete, what if she was a Russian spy?



- Aw, come on.

They don't have those anymore, do they?



- Hey, sweetie.

Pete.



- Dharma! What are you doing here?



- I gotta talk to you.

Pete, can you

-

- Oh, sure, sure.

You need the office for a little desktop publishing, huh?

You were listening?

It's not his fault, honey.

You were veryvocal.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! There's a stapler in my ass.

" What's going on?

What happened toyou this morning?

To make a long story short I basically had to tell my father to go into hiding.

Make the story long.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

Thirtyyears ago, my father broke into the draft board office and b*rned all their records, and there's been a warrant out for his arrest ever since.



- Do you want some lunch?



- Whoa.

And you're just telling me this now?

Well, I couldn't tell you until he was safe.

What did you think I was gonna do, turn him in?



- Wouldn'tyou have to?



- Well, technically, yes.



- Aha!

- But there might be anotherway out ofthis.

I need to talk to him.

Tell mewhere he is.

I can't tell you where he is unless you promise he's not gonna get arrested.

Well, I can't promise that until you tell mewhere he is.

Then you can't talk to him unless you promise me that.



- Dharma, come on.

Where is he?



- All I'm gonna say is that he went underground where no one will ever find him.



- Is everything all right, sir?



- Sure.

fine.

Just the usual.

Just the regular.

What doyou mean, "the regular"?

The regular thing you do here, you know, waitin' for a bus.

I'm gonna go on a bus.

Sir, you've been sitting there all morning.

Waiting for a particular bus.

It's a special bus, isn't it?

Yep.

My bus.

Okay, you staywarm, buddy, now, all right?

You bet.

I still got it.

This is good.

What is it?

Food.

Dharma, ifyou want to be mad at me that's fine but, for the record, you're mad at me for something you think I might have done whereas I'm mad atyou for something thatyou actually did do.

No, it's something that I didn't do, and I didn't do it because ifl did do it you would have donewhatyou claim you might not have done.



- Butwe'll never know, will we?



- Oh, I know.



- [Knocking]



- Go away!

- Come in! Hello, you crazy lovebirds! Okay, tough room.

I got that information you wanted.



- What information?



- I asked Pete to do a little background check of our own on your father so I could try to help which is what I said I would have done ifyou had given me the opportunity to do it.



- Says you.



- What'd ya find?



- Nothin'.



- What doya mean, nothin'?

I know.

I was surprised too you know, seeing as it's your father.

I thought the least we'd find is a little, you know

- [ Makes Puffing Sounds ]

Nothin'

- Nothin' at all.

Larry Finkelstein could be president, God help us.



- Well, this is great news.



- This can't be right.

What about the Sausalito draft board fire?

He broke in and burnt all their records.

He's famous for that.

Yeah, I checked on that too.

Yeah, it seems there was a little fire at the draft board office back in '68, but the sprinklers put it out.

No records were damaged, theyjust had to replace the carpeting.

That doesn't make sense.

Oh, no, that's fairly typical.

You know, it's not the carpeting so much as the padding underneath.



- You know, when that gets wet

-

- Uh, thanks, Pete.



- Honey, isn't this great?



- Yeah, uh

-huh.

Your dad can come home now.

Why don'tyou call your mom and tell her the good news?

Nah, I think I better break this to her in person.



- That was weird, huh?



- Yeah.

You like weird?

Gettin' used to it.

That's great, 'causeyou are gonna love this little tidbit.

It seems the F.

B.

I.

has a little tax problem with yourfather's wife.

You mean my mother?

No, I mean yourfather's wife.



- My mother is my father's wife.



- That would be true Mr.

Not

-Catch

-On

-Too

-Quick ifyour father and his first wife had ever filed for a divorce.

My father had a first

- Give me that.

Which also means thatyour mother and father aren't married.

Which furthermore means that that name I called you when we were playing golflast week that's technically accurate.



- Son of a

-

- No, no, no, the other one.

Oh, my God! This is just gonna k*ll your father.

I know, I know, butyou know what, we're just gonna have to remind him of all the other cool antiestablishment things he did.

Dharma, the draft board was really his one big thing.

Well, what about the time he chained himselfto the redwood?

Itwas a redwood deck.

Itwas an accident and we're not supposed to talk about it.

Okay.

Uh, well

- Um, hey! Okay! What about the March on Washington?



- We didn't make it.



- Why?

Oh, it was my fault.

I should have told him "D.

C.

" There's absolutely gotta be something he can feel proud of.

Well, uh

- Oh, Dharma, we can't tell him about this.

Abby, what are we just supposed to do, leave him out there alone?

Yes.

Until we can think ofsomethin'.

He can take care ofhimself.

No, he can't! He chained himself to a redwood deck! Shh!

- [Greg]

Dad?



- In here.

Hey, I've never seen you use that before.

I'm going to see the cardiologist tomorrow.

I'm cramming.

Fine.

Uh, Dad, I need to, um, talk toyou aboutyour first wife.



- Did you hearwhat I said?



- Yes, I heard.



- Dad, you okay?



- I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm just a little dehydrated.



- [ Sighs ]



- Son, your mother and I were going to tell you about this when you were old enough to understand.

I'm 31.

What were you waiting for?



- You're 31?



- I gotta tell you, this is kind of upsetting.

Oh, grow up.

You're 31.

Dad, the divorce was never final.

You're still married to that woman.



- What areyou doing?



- Your motherwill go a lot easier on me ifI've just had a heart att*ck.

You're kidding?

How doyou chain yourselfto a redwood deck?

Well, hewas practicing forthe protest and he wanted to show everyone how he could hide the key in his mouth.



- Greg, what are we gonna do?



- We're not going to give him another key to the apartment.

Isn't there some wayyou could getyour friends in the F.

B.

I.

to make him think he's a criminal?

I guess we could Tr*mp up a big old file full of groovy antiwar crimes flytoWashington and plant it at the F.

B.

I.

headquarters.

Hey, that's a great idea! And then Larry can break in, steal the file and then he'll think that's why no one's after him.

Dharma, I was making a ludicrous statement to make a point.

And a good point

- Except, you know what?

We should probably do it here because Larry has a little trouble finding Washington.

How's that?

Dharma, he's never gonna believe this is his F.

B.

I.

file.

Hewill ifhe steals it from a fancy government office likeyours.

Okay.

Even ifl could convince the security guard to leave a door unlocked and turn the alarm off what person in their right mind would believe they could erase their entire criminal past by stealing one file?

What a lucky break! All my records in one file?

[ Laughs ]

That's the government forya.

Morons.

I know this must seem reallyweird toyou Ietting a guy break in to steal a fake file but the man's entire identity is wrapped up in being a '60's revolutionary.

Like I was telling your friend, for season tickets to the 49ers I'd letyou guys steal the helicopter offthe roof.

Good to know.

Excuse me for a second.

Pete, can I speak to you?



- I don't have season tickets to the 49ers.



- I'd get some.



- Anything else?



- I told him your sister looks like Courteney Cox.

I don't have a sister.

I'd get one.

Okay.

So the security alarm in the northwest corner goes on at midnight, so we gotta move fast.

Like a puma.

Fine.

So straight down this hallway

- That's a beautiful map you made, Dharma.

Thankyou.

Second door on the right, go in, grab the file and then back out the waywe came.

Check.



- Larry, what areyou doing?



- Destroying the evidence.



- No, we need that.



- Larry, we recycle paper.

Not tonight.

Tonight we recycle freedom! Just tell me one more time before I leave.



- You're a good daughter.



- Thankyou.

[ Inaudible ]

That's mywife.

Hey, Larry, this door looks like it's open.



- Of course it is.

It's a trap.



- No, it's not.

They always leave one door open just to trapyou.

No, they don't.

Dharma, honey, when you're wanted by the F.

B.

I.

, we'll do ityourway.

[ Laughs ]

They still haven't made the lock that can stop Larry Finkelstein.

Except the one on that redwood deck.



- Well, good night.



- Uh, Kitty, a troubling matter has come up.

Don'tyou lose sleep over it.

Sweet dreams.

Kitty! We've got to talk.

Please sit down.

Right.

Doyou remember that little mistake I made that we never talk about?

It's late, Edward.

You'll have to be more specific.



- My first wife.



- Ooh, yes.

Well, it seems there's a little problem with the divorce.



- What sort of problem?



- We didn't get one.



- What?



- Yes.

We had an arrangement.

I was to, uh, pay for the divorce and she was to file the papers.



- Apparently she didn't.



- Areyou telling me you're still married to this woman?

Yes, and I'm going to call Gottlieb in the morning

- and we'll settle this whole thing.



- L

-L

-Let me understand this.

You are married and I am single?

I supposeyou could look at it thatway.

Yes.

And I supposeyou could also look at me as the "otherwoman.

" I'll call Gottlieb now.

Not

- Not now, Edward.

Not now.

Lie down.



- Why?



- [ Sighs ]

[ Edward ]

Oh! It's been a long time, Kitty.

Don't talk, Edward.

That's whywe stopped.

Camera! Quick! [ Sighs ]

I should never have broughtyou into this.

It's too dangerous.

It's not dangerous.

I mean, it's very dangerous but I'm with you.

Uh

-uh.

I'll get the file.

You go back to the van.

Larry, Larry, Larry! The file's this way.

Larry! Larry?



- Hi.



- Dharma, Wha

-What areyou doing here?



- I lost him.



- How could you lose him?

What can I say?

He still has a little puma left in him.

Hey, hey, I found him.

No, no, no, Larry, come on.



- Geez, what's that gonna run me?



- 250 a camera.

Listen.

We've gotta wrap this up.

I'm gonna get in all kinds oftrouble.

Hey, hey, hey.

He's goin' the right way! [Dharma ]

Oh, good, Larry.

.

Turn around, Larry.

.

[ Overlapping Shouts OfiEncouragement ]



- [ Dharma ]

Come on, Larry.

!

- [All Cheering]

[ Greg]

Go! Go, go! Yeah!

- Al I ri ght.

Okay.

Good.



- Okay.



- Where is he?



- Come on back out.



- [ Pete ]

Is he gonna come out?



- [All]

All right! Yeah! Okay, Larry, all you have to do is go back out the wayyou came in.



- Come on, Larry.



- [ All Chanting ]

Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry!

- [ All Yelling ]

No!

- [Alarm Rings ]

Now what do you want me to do, chase him?

Yeah, and could you sh**t a little?

Oh, man! There must have been six, seven guards chasing me

- and I think they had dogs.

Oh, is that whyyou jumped into the Dumpster?

Absolutely.

Change my scent.

Worked.

Boy, they had some file on me.

I mean, there's things in here that I don't even remember doing.

Oh! Oh! And this is good.

The F.

B.

I.

misspelled "bureau.

"

- [ Knocking ]



- Hey, everybody, where haveyou been?



- I've been calling all night.



- Hi, Greg.

Hey, Greg.

Oh, we, uh, we just went on a little, um, family outing.



- Where'd ya go?



- Where did we go?

Um, apple picking.

Sounds like fun.

Where are the apples?

Oh, uh, the apples.

Theywere too small sowe had to throw them back in

- Up

- On.

And you, uh, dressed in black soyou could, uh, sneak up on those apples?

Yeah, we did, Curious George, now leave it alone.

So, uh, ifyou'll, uh, excuse me I have to go dispose of some trash, you know, outside.



-Just get rid ofit once and for all.



-Just go.

Thankyou, honey.



- Thankyou.



- You're welcome.

So, we're all done with this?

Everything's back to normal?

Hey, Abby! Yep.

Back to normal.

Well

- Uh, yes.

I suppose I should be getting offto bed.

Uh, you're welcome to stay ifyou like.

- Oh?

- And I'm going to call Gottlieb in the morning and we'll get this whole divorce thing straightened out.

No, don't call Gottlieb.

You must never call Gottlieb.

It's 4 to 6 Foot!