01x06 - Yoga and Boo, Boo

[bunniefuu]

[Exhales]

Howwas golf?

Itwas fun.

I don't get it, Greg.

Ifgolfmakes you so miserable, why doyou do it?



- Because it relaxes me!

- [ Imitating Barking ]



- Sorry.



- Greg

- Woo, I'm worried aboutyou.

You push yourself.

At work, at the gym, at golf.

You never have any time when you're just at peace.



- Oh, no, here it comes.



- Yoga would changeyour life.

That's all I'm saying.

So would breast implants.

Greg, yoga helps you feel relaxed and emptyyour mind and feel serene.



- More than golf?



- Afraid ya can't do it?

Ah

- Nice try.



- All right.

Sorry I brought it up.



- I can doyoga.



- I'm sureyou can.



- I just don't want to.

I understand.



- What time's the class?



- 6:00.



- I'll be there.



- Yea! And ifyou don't like it, we'll getyou those breast implants.

Greg, you're gonna loveyoga.

Larry and I have found that it's an amazing tune

-up for sex.



- Really?



- Oh, yeah.

'Cause ofthe wayyour blood gets flowing and your hips are loosened.

When your hips are loose, you can feel the energy pulsating straight

- No, no, don't spoil it for me.

How's it goin', Mr.

Finkelstein?

Not too shabby.

I've decided I'm gonna become rich.

Really?

Since when did you become a capitalist?

There's nothin' wrong with making money.

As long as you're environmentally responsible and treatyourworkers in an ethical and humane manner.

His little brother bought this huge house in Marin County, and it's driving him crazy.

That had nothing to dowith it.

I just got these great tapes.

Fourteen Days To Untold Wealth.

I'm on day

- Got 'em at a garage sale.

He still hasn't noticed that day 1 0 is a Paul Anka tape.

Uh, all right.

Before we start tonight, um, there's a few announcements.

First, Freddie here is on the ninth day ofhis cleansing fast.

Let's all give it up for Freddie! Okay, and this is from Sherry who teaches the tantric sex workshop.

"You must bring a partner.

I am not running a pickup scene.

" Oh, and finally, there's a little mix

-up in last month's newsletter.

The reflexology massages are in room 1 03 and the high colonics are in room 1 05.

Sorry about that, Clark.

Okay, let's getstarted in the, uh Tadasana mountain stance, please.

[Ambient]

That's good, honey.

Okay, we're really gonna work our hips today.

Yes! Chins to chest.

We're closing our eyes and clearing our mind and focusing on our breath.

Nothing exists exceptyour breathing.

[ Ringing ]

The cellular customer you have called has traveled outside the service area.

Please hang up and return to a simplerway oflife.

Sorry.

Sorry.

All right.

Now, we're rolling forward at the waist and reaching for our toes.



- Here, honey.

Touch my toes.



- I

- I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

Putyour hands in front ofyou on the floor and right foot forward, left leg back.

Let's really open up those hips.



- [ Sighs ]



- Okay, not so much, Abby.

All right, now put your hands in the air, palms together.



- What?



- We're gonna hold this for five breaths.

One, two, three, four, five.



- One.



- Oh, God!

- Two.



- [ Whimpers ]



- Three.



- Yeeeee

- [ Whimpers ]

Four.

Five! Are you sure this mob guy's gonna snitch, 'cause it's ourwhole case.

Don't worry, he'll snitch.

The guy's a snitch.

He's gotta snitch.

And ifhe doesn't snitch, he's just a guywith a secret.

Areyou gonna stand there like that all day?

Give me a break.

I'm practicing.

Yoga is extremely difficult.

Yeah.

Does your husband think so too?

All right, tough guy.

Try this.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, man.

This is brutal.

Yeah, I'm gonna need a manicure and a daiquiri after this.

Your mother's on the phone.

Doyou want to talk to her now or afteryou're done savin' Metropolis?



- Thanks, Marlene.

Put her through.



- Line one.



- Hi, Mom.

What's up?



- Oh, hello, darling.

I just wanted to remind you, we're giving a little birthday partyfor Luddy tomorrow.



- How's this, ma'am?



- Uh

-J

- Hold on.

Um

- Oh, clowns.

That's a little juvenile, isn't it?

I'll try again, ma'am.

No, no, no.

It's your choice, Luddy.

It's your birthday party.



- Is 1 2:00 noon all right?



- It's, uh, on my calendar.

Good.

Oh.

And, darling, bring a birthday gift.

A nice one, but not silver or liquor.

She has enough ofboth.

Yes, Mother.

G

-Good

-bye, Mother.

Oh, man, it's my mother's maid's birthday.

What doyou suppose she'd like?

The bestyears ofher life back?

I don't know, Larry.

I don't know.

I feel weird about asking Greg's father for money.

Don't worry about it, Dharma.

He'll make it back in 1 4 days.

Paul Anka wouldn't lie.

Dharma.

What a pleasant surprise.

Hello, Finkelstein.

Ed?

I am gonna makeyou a very rich man.

You're about three generations late.

Let me askyou a question.

When was the last time the sole ofyour foot touched the back ofyour head?

What the hell is he talking about?

He wants to make a video of myyoga class.

Oh.

You need to borrow the camcorder?

No.

We want to do a professional video and mass market it.

And donate the profits to charity.

A percentage ofthe profits.

We gotta eat too.

Right, Ed?

Picture this

- Dharma in a lotus position on the beach.

Soft focus, ethereal music, the odd seagull.

Ba

-caw.

Ba

-caw.

Ba

-caw.

Ba

-caw.

And Dharma.

Why don't we just borrow the camcorder?

No, come on.

Do the thing with the breathing.

Dig this.

All right, well, usuallylstart byasking every.

one to close their eyes.

How do they see the video?

J ust do it, Ed.

Okay, then I say, "J ust focus on your breathing.

" I nhaling and exhaling.

Shut all the distractions ofthe day, the phone calls, the errands and, slowly breathing return to theselfi you lost along the way.

The person you used to be.

And just be that person.

[ Blubbering ]

Well, it doesn't do anything for me.

But the lady folk might go for it.

You know women.

You could probably sell them a whole new wardrobe for it too.

Hey, that's a great idea.

What is?

You know, ifthis thing is as popular as you say it is we ought to open up some ofthese yoga places in the strip malls.

We could sell 'em clothes right there.

Pack 'em in.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Sell 'em a blouse on the way out.

Brilliant.

And we can put in juice bars in the lobby.

Hey, and we can sell them some of that Fen

-Phen they love so much.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on! What happened to the video?

What happened to charity?

What happened to Larry Finkelstein?

He's swimmin' in the big pool now.

The big pool is nice, Dharma.

Oh, God, I just remembered! I can't do this.

I have a soul.

We should probably go with a celebrity anyway.

You know, Dolly Parton might look good in a leotard.

All right, you won "salute to the sun.

"

- Ten bucks on this "lungee" thing?



- You got it.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dharma.

This is the craziest idea your father's ever had.

Mm

-mmm.

Nuh

-uh.

Rememberwhen he got involved in that whole pyramid scheme?

We all had to go door

-to

-door selling those big aluminum pyramids.

Okay.

All right, everyone, release the position and go into a squat position.



- Release the position.



- You release it.



- I'm perfectly comfortable like this.



- So

- So am I.

Squat.

Now.

Five bucks on the Chinese bus stop.

Make it 1 0.

Are we betting on yoga?



- Uh, no.



- I wouldn't even know where to begin to do that.

All right, everybody, roll onto your backs and slowly lift your legs straight up into the air.

Uh,Jennifer, you have a little hole in your leotard there.

All right.

Now, advanced students, open those legs wide into a straddle position.

Uh, beginners and Jennifer, keepyour legs together.

Can Montgomery possibly keep up with him?

Twenty bucks says he can.

All right, now, it looks easier than it is, so be careful.

'Cause ifyou push too hard, you could possibly strain

-

- Your groin?



- Uh

-huh.

Whoa.

All right! We've got a winner! We've got

- Oh, hamstring! Hamstring!

- Ow.

Ow.

Ow.



- [ Barking ]

Shh! Shh! No barking.

Look, boys.

Tums.

Get 'em.

Get 'em.

[ Strains ]



- [ Clears Throat ]



- Uh, hi.

Hi.

Beforeyou say anything, I'm fine to go to work.



- I'm perfectly okay.



- Oh, good.

Great.

Come here and give me a good

-bye kiss.

Very funny.

It hurts, but I still have to go to work.

What do you absolutely have to do that it can't wait till tomorrow?

I've got to get these to Word Processing today.

I've got

- All right.

I'll turn in your homework.

What else?

I've got a bunch of stuff I could get a jump on.

Jump?

You couldn't even towel offbelow the waist.



- You watched that?



- I always watch that.

I set my alarm to watch that.

Dharma, I can't just stay home.

Greg, don't you understand?

This injury is the universe's way oftelling you to slow down.

Well, any universe that talks to me through my groin can go around the corner and kiss my butt.

Here's what you're going to do.

You're not gonna watch TV.

You're not gonna go to work.

You're not gonna talk on the phone.

You're gonna sit right here

- relax and just be in the moment.



- And do nothing?

Yeah, you're right.

It's probably too advanced foryou.

Hey, wait a minute! I can do nothing.

It's a lot harder than it looks.

Oh, please.

I'll betyou I can do absolutely nothing all day.

I'll betyou you can't do it without makin' a bet.



- You're on.



- I justwon.



- Can I helpyou?



- Oh, hi.

You must be Marlene.

Uh, I'm Dharma.

I talked toyou on the phone.

Oh, you're Greg's wife.

What areyou, like eight feet tall?



- Uh, no.

I'm 5'1 0".



- Oh.

It's a different world up there at 5'1 0", isn't it?

You never have to sit on a phone book.

You never have to hem a pair of pants.

You see the bald spots beforeyou sleep with the guys.

Well, you know

- No, I'm wearing heels, so

- Me too.

Look, can we just start over?

Look, Greg's not feeling well, and he asked me

- to make sure that these got to Word Processing.



- Oh, sure.

I'll scurry on down on my stubby little legs 'cause I'm justyour own little personal Oompa Loompa.



- Hey, Marlene.



- Go to hell.

Pete, why is she so mean?



- She's a federal employee.

The term's "disgruntled.

"

- Huh.

So, uh, where's the little mister?



- Home resting.



- Wimp.

Anything you need, I'll do it.

Uh, tell Greg that, uh, we made a deal with the snitch andhe's gonna turn overthe tapes, and, uh, wejust gotta set up a meet.



- Gotcha.



- Oh, uh by the way, did, uh, any of the young ladies at youryoga class uh, ask ifyours truly would be coming back?

Yeah.

But not in the wayyou're hoping.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Kitty.

No, Greg's not in today.

No, no, no.

Don't worry.

He told me about the party and I'm gonna get a gift for the maid.

Yeah.

No, nothing serious.

He just pulled his groin.

What else am I supposed to call it, Kitty?

The muscle near his penis?

Yeah.

"Groin" doesn't sound so bad, now, does it?

Christmas gift for Kitty

- OurBodies, Ourselves.

Abby?

Yeah, hey.

Um, listen, I need your help.

I have to get something for Kitty's maid, and I don't really know

-

- [ Ringing ]



- Hang on.

Hello?

Tapes?

What tapes?

Oh! God, you're the snitch.

Uh, okay, we have to set up a meet.

Hang on.

Pete! Pete!

- Marlene?



- [ Ringing ]

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Greg's office.

Please hold.

No, Kitty, hold on.

No, Kitty, hold on.

No, Kitty, hold

- I said hold on, woman!

- Hi, I'm back.

Oh, Abby! Uh

-

- [ Ringing ]

Ah! Hang on.

Hello?

Kitty, no fair.

You're only allowed to be on one line at a time.

Okay, so, uh, Greg's parents' address is Meet me there by noon.

Hi.

All right, so I need you to bring the tapes to the basement ofthe federal building.

I'm blonde, and I'm eight feet tall.

Oh, man.

This is livin', doin' nothin'.

Kickin' back, chillin' out, talkin' to myself respondin' to myself, startin' to reallyworry about myself.

[ Sighs ]

Now, my lawyer has drawn up an informal partnership agreement.

Um, very standard.

Just sign right there.

Wait a minute.

How do I know what this says?

[ Chuckles ]

Read it.

Hold on, Ed.

Before we formalize anything I'd like to discuss my salary.

Salary?

I'm not gonna payyou a salary.

You haven't done anything.

What areyou talking about?

I broughtyou the idea.

But the idea hasn't made any moneyyet.

Oh, I see how this is gonna go.

You gorgeyourself at the trough while I'm supposed to be happy sucking the crumbs offyour $2,000 ties.

I never paid more than $40 for a tie in my life.



- I don't even own a tie.



- Well, what's your point then?

Where's my tie?



- Finkelstein, get out.



- What?

I'm not gonna do business with you.

Go home.

All right.

In that case

- let's talk about my severance package.



- Oh, boy.

Day after day after day.

How do you do it?

Hello?

Hello?



- Oh, God!

- What?

Oh, Abby, what are you doing here?

You told me to meet you here.

Oh, no! Oh, God, I sent a mobster maybe a professional k*ller, to Kitty Montgomery's house.



- What are you gonna do?



- Oh, God.

I gotta get there before she hurts him.



- Hey, Greg.



- Hi,Jane.



- Whatcha doin'?



- Oh,just relaxin'.

Tryin' the meditation thing that Dharma does.



- It's really great.



- Right on.

I'll leaveyou alone then.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can do that later.

We never get a chance to talk.



- Why is that?



- 'Causeyou think I'm creepy.

Oh, not creepy.

Quirky.

Creepy, quirky, quirky, creepy.

You're bored offyour ass, aren't ya?

Mm

-hmm.

Oh, for God sakes, Luddy, no more balloons.

The soonerwe do this, the sooneryou get to clean up and have the rest ofthe afternoon off.

Kitty, Kitty! Have you seen a strange man sneaking around here?

Oh, the rottweilers have someone treed in the backyard.



- Maybe that's who you're looking for.



- Thankyou.

Oh, oh

- Ah

- Happy Birthday, Luddy.

I gotta go.

Fourteen Days To Untold Wealth.



- Well.



- I'll be givin' my two weeks notice then.

[ Singing ]

Luddy! [ Singing ]

[ Barking ]

Neiman! Marcus! Thankyou, okay?

Buh

-bye! Oh.

Hello.

Sorry about the mix

-up.



- Did you bring the tapes?



- The deal's off.



- Why?



- I'm nervous, all right?

Oh.

Understandable.

God, you're under so much pressure.

Okay, um, try this.

Closeyour eyes

- [ Inhales ]

take a nice deep breath.

Relax, and just let go

- ofyour stress.

Then I went out with Randy.

That didn't last long.

But he did turn me on to cat milk which you can drink straight but it makes a really nice sharp cheese.

Pretty quirky, huh?



- Oh, hey, guys.



- Oh, Dharma.

Good.

Ifyou stay home tomorrow, I'll bring lunch.



- You like quesadillas?



- I used to.



- Bye,Jane.



- Later.

Later.



- So, how'd it go?



- Terrible.

I mean, I really didn't do anything, but I couldn't turn my brain off.

I

- I kept thinkin' which long

-distance carrierwe should use.

Should I switch from boxers to briefs?

How fast doyou have to drive to always stay in the sun?

In caseyou're interested, it's 1,037 miles an hour.

It's notyour fault, Greg.

I've seen yourworld.

It's full of nut balls, and they all have your number on speed dial.

Soyou seewhat I mean?

I'm hopeless.

I'll never learn to relax.

I'll n

-

- What wereyou thinking ofjust then?



- Nothing.

I was just kissing you.

Hey, thatwas it! I wasn't thinking!

- You were in the moment.



- I was in the moment! How doyou like that?

Do it again.

Mmm! Wait a minute.

You're not here.

Where'd you go?

About 1 5 minutes in the future, and we're both naked.

I'll meetya there.

Ow.

Ow.

Eh

- Hang on.

Don't start without me.

How's it goin'?

Well, I gotta say there were quite a few times there when I was completely in the moment.

- Good foryou.

- Other times, I was listing state capitals in my head.

- But that was entirely foryour benefit.

- Yea, good for me! It's 4 to 6 Foot!