01x05 - The Ex-Files

[bunniefuu]

Wow, you have such a beautiful wife.

You must miss hervery much.

Oh, yes.

Every day my heart ache for her.

Well, I'm sureyou know there's a spiritual bond between husband and wife.

Even though she's thousands of miles away, she knows how much you love her.

- [ Chuckles ]

- Gracias.

- Yeah.

- [ Sobs ]

- Dharma?

Hi.

- Hi.

Why did you make the busboy cry?

I didn't make him cry.

I just created a safe space for him to get in touch with his feelings.

[ Sobbing ]

Anyway, how's your day goin'?

Well, I'd love to tell you, but it's a little hard to understand.

Oh, come on, tell me anyway.

Okay.

This morning I found a way to use 1 8 U.

S.

C.

, section 2255 to wrangle a dismissal ofa spurious habeas petition on these guys we are holding under RICO.

Congratulations! Right?



- Greg?



- Barbara! Hi! I didn't knowyou were in town.

I just got in from Washington.

By the way, congratulations on knocking out that habeas petition.



- Thanks.



- He wrangled a dismissal.

Uh, Barbara, this is mywife, Dharma.

Uh, Barbara and I used to work together.



- Hello.



- Hi.

Please join us, sit.

Oh, I don't want to disturbyou.

I'm going to grab a sandwich and head back to the office.

No, no, no, no.

You should never eat alone.

Eating should be a communal experience, you know, like bathing.

Okay.

I'll just cancel my to

-go order.



- Okay, cool.



- Okay.

I like her.

She's so warm and friendly.

I can see whyyou went out with her.

How

- How'd you know that?

Oh, Greg, women know these things.

It's partly the way she looked at you and then partly the wayyou bent your spoon when I asked her to join us.

Oh, come on, you two.

It's not like I don't know Greg has ex

-girlfriends.

I mean, in a way, I'm grateful for his exes 'cause they helped make him into the wonderful man that he is today.

Heck, for all I know, you taught him that ice cube, belly button deal.

No.

No, actually, we saw that in a movie.

Uh, so, when did you two meet?

Gee, almost a month ago.

Oh.

And you're married?

One month tomorrow.

Soyou got married the dayyou met.

Yeah, it's really a funny story how it worked out.



- How long wereyou guys together?



- Uh, two years.



- Wow.



- Yeah.

So I guess you finally got over that little commitment problem.



- Yeah, I sure did.



- Yeah.

You guys broke up because you wanted to get married and you didn't?

You know, I think I would like some wine, maybe a carafe.

White, red, I don't care.

Dharma, um, Greg didn't want to talk about our relationship then.

I'm sure he doesn't want to talk about it now.

Greg, I think Barbara needs a little closure here.



- Maybeyou should talk about it.



- I did talk about it.

You know, never mind.

It's really

- It's not that important.

Okay?

That's it?

That's how you guys talked about it?

Well, it was very simple.

She wanted to go to Washington and I didn't want to stand in the way ofher career.

Well, I might have stayed ifyou'd asked me to.

Greg, how doyou feel about that?

Well, I didn't want to be selfish.

I didn't wantyou to stayjust for me.

Oh, isn't he the sweetest?

Well, I wish he'd been a little more selfish, because I would have stayed.

Really?

Yes, really.

God! I'm so glad we straightened that whole thing out.

So, Barbara, when areyou going back to Washington?

Actually, I'm not.

I transferred back here.

So it looks like we'll be working together again.

Well, gosh darn it.

Here's toyou.



- When did you get this television, Dharma?



- It came with Greg.

It's part ofhis past that he never mentioned to me but here it is and I just have to deal with it.

It's a beauty.

Brand

-new.



- Probably has the V

-chip.



- Oh, Larry, don't start.

He thinks the government is listening to us through the V

-chip.

No.

No.

They're watching us through the V

-chip.

They're listening to us through the smoke detectors.

I should have never let him get on the I nternet.



- Hi, everybody.



- Oh, hi, Greg.

How was your day?



- Oh, you know, nothin' worth talking about.



- Smart boy.

He knows what the V

-chip stands for.

"Ve are vatching you.

" Oh, come on, Greg, you had an amazing day.

He wrangled the spurious habeas, and then he ran into an old girlfriend.

She's really beautiful.

But I think they were both a little nervous that I was there but they'll get over it since now theywill be working together every ding

-dong day.

Yep, that was my day.

Oh, rice

-barley treats.

And there's more coming out ofthe oven.

Dharma, would you like to help me?



- No.



- Dharma needs a time

-out.

So, Greg, it must be hard foryou Federales to cover upyour conspiracies now that all those secret documents are floating out there on the Internet.

Who doyou think puts them on the Internet, Larry?

Of course.

Brilliant.

Dharma, this is so not likeyou.

I know.

I can't believe I'm jealous.

I'm neverjealous.

Even when the other kids were jealous, I wasn't jealous.

I mean, I wished I could be

- Oh, my God, I was jealous.

I was jealous oftheirjealousy.

Oh, that's sick.

Oh, my God, I'm a sick person.

Okay, remember, when we judge ourselves, we send ourselves to emotional prison.

Right?

So what is the first thing we do to get rid of negative feelings?

I already did all that.

I said "Hello,jealousy.

I embrace and acknowledge the messageyou are bringing me.

" Good.

And what did jealousy say?

Hejust looked right at me and went

- [ Raspberry]

All right.

Well, don't give up.

Don't give up.

Uh, this time I'll beyou, okay, and you bejealousy, all right?

Hello,jealousy, I'm Dharma

- Oh

- [ Raspberry]

See, there's no talking to him.

I'm notsaying that Oswald wasn't the lone gunman.

I'm just saying that the C.

I.

A.

built him specifically for that mission.

And when you say "built," you mean trained, right?

You tell me.



- [Knocking]



- It's open.



- Come in.



- Hello, all.



- [ Greg]

Hello, Mother, Dad.

Hello, new family members.

Oh.

All right, okay, that's enough.

So, Ed, how goes the exploitation ofthe working classes?

It's actually ahead of schedule.



- Now where's that wedding video we're supposed to be looking at?



- Coming right up.

Oh, Gregory, darling, you'll never guess who we ran into last night

- Barbara Colfield.



- Really?

Isn't that nice?



- Yes.

And you'll never guess where she's living now.

Right here in my head.

[Greg]

Okay, every.

body, we're going to watch the wedding video.



- Oh, look, it's Greg and his first wife, Dharma.



- [ TV: Wedding March ]



- We'll be right back.



- Oh, they look so happy! Dharma.

Way to go, Greg.

Now everyone knows I'm upset.

Dharma, listen to me.

I don't want to be with Barbara.

Barbara and I broke up because we had lots of problems.

No, you didn't.

You had one problem, and I fixed it.

Honey, I married you.



- Ifl d*ed, you'd go back to her, right?



- No.

But, Greg, she's perfect foryou.

And how could I be happy in my next life knowing thatyou were here all alone?

I mean, that would hurt me.



- Fine.

I'd go back to her.



- I knew it! Nowyou just listen to me.

I ordered monogrammed cocktail napkins and what I'm looking at here is a drunken little man relieving himself on a lamppost.

Oh, hello.

Um

- Could you

-You want

- Put the flowers down right there.

Right there.

Down.

I said put them down.

Down.

Doyou understand?

Down.

Oh, I'm allergic to dog hair.

I get hives.



- Shoo!

- I have just the thing for that actually.

It's, uh

- It's in here somewhere.

I am sure it is, along with the Holy Grail and the Lindbergh baby.

Greg, come on.

How can you deny she's Miss Right?

You both are lawyers, you both went to Stanford your parents belong to the same country club.



- Dharma, let's not do this.



- Ooh, you both say, "let's not" instead of"don't.

" Okay.

This is a traditional Chinese herbal remedy.



- Oh, really?

What's in it?



- Seaweed, of course, and, uh, some naturally occurring fungi

- sheep placenta

-

- Oh!

- Thankyou.

Th

-That's plenty.



- Areyou sure?



- 'Cause it's really terrific stuff.



- Oh, well

- It's very good on rashes and insect bites.

It's miraculous on wrinkles.

Insect bites?

Really?

Well, we do have mosquitoes up at the lake.

Shh, shh, shh.

There's me.

What's this for?

Who areyou taping this for?

Oh.

Dharma, Greg just remember that to everything there is a season a time to be born, a time to die.

A time to shut up and play cards.

I can't believe you b*at me out of $22.

Well, ifyou can't remember the cards you play, how do you expect to win?

Ah, you're just a shark.

What'd you take me for Okay.

We have a lot in common, but

- She's perfect foryou.

Fine.

Dharma, it doesn't matter ifthere's somebody out there who, on paper, is perfect for me, because I love you.

Yeah, well, a dog can love a chicken but eventually he's gonna want another dog, 'cause chickens don't chase cars and all the love in the world won't change that.

There's obviously nothing I can say that's gonna makeyou feel better so how about this?

How about I create a nice, safe space foryou to get in touch with your feelings Iikeyou did for the busboy.

[Dharma ]

I fieel like choking herscrawny little neck untilshe begs fior mercy! And then I say, "Mercy?

I'll showyou mercy!" And then I set her on fiire! Whoosh!

- What was that?



- Feel i ngs.

Anyway, I know.

I 'm sorry.

I 've just been unloading on you, but I just

- You know that old Buddhist saying, "Seek the headwaters ofthe river of pain"

- which is you

- No offense.

It's just

- I thought that ifwe honestly told each other how we feel

-

- Yeah?



- we wouldn't have to, you know I don't know, set each other on fire.

Wow.

Okay.

Um, honest.

Dharma, uh, Greg is the greatest guy I've ever known and if I were to be totally honest with you I'd have to say that, um, I'm still in love with your husband.

Whoosh! Say, there's yourwife talking toyour ex

-girlfriend.



- This can't be good.



- Gee, I wonder ifyour name's come up, huh?



- Hi, honey.



- Oh, hi.

What's going on?

Well, I decided to take Barbara for a drink and

- God, how do I put it in a good way?

Um

- Well, everybodyjust loves Greg.

Wh

-What I was telling Dharma is that it's very hard to find a nice guy, you know, likeyou.

Well, haveyou tried?

'Cause just going around telling peopleyou love their husbands is just gonna getyou whooshed.

I know it's wrong, but I am just lovin' this.

I mean, okay, Barbara, there are plentyofiguys out there that are just as good as Greg

- better!

- Thanks, honey.



- Work with me.

Like take Pete here.

A handsome, young attorney on the fast track.

Say something, Pete.

My apartment is completely soundproofed.

Okay.

Let's go hit on these guys over here.

Has that line everworked?

No.

But when it does, it's gonna be worth it.

This is a pleasant surprise.

Well, we just happened to be in the neighborhood.

I thought we would stop in and say hello.

This neighborhood?

What wereyou doing in this neighborhood?



- Every now and then I like to take my Mercedes off

-road.



- Huh.

Well, makeyourselves comfortable and I'll fix us some peppermint tea.



- Oh.

Thankyou.



- Larry.

!

- [Larry.

]

What?



- Company! No, thanks! I said we've got company! He's out in his potting shed.

You know, it's kind oflike his man

-cave.

Oh, isn't that wonderful.

You should have one ofthose, dear.



- Can we just do this and go?



- Shh.



- Okay.



- Ah.

Abby, there is one

- one little thing while I'm here.

Doyou have any more ofthat, um, allergy cream?



- I don't know.

I would have to look.



- Look.



- Hey, lookwho's here.



- Hello, Finkelstein.

You know, you're just the man I want to see.

Come on.

I've got somethin' to showyou.



- What?



- Oh,just go to the cave, Edward.

I don't understand howyou went through that whole jar.

Did the rash come back?



- Yes, yes, it came back.



- Really?

I don't see it.

Well, it comes, it goes.

Oh, then, you know, it might be a food allergy.

They can be tricky to figure out.

But, you know, ifyou just stickwith fruits for a while then add things like nuts, which I can't eat at all.

I mean I love them, but they don't love me.

Oh, for God's sake, I don't have a rash.

I put it on my face.

I had no crow's

-feet, I had no laugh lines, I had no expression whatsoever.

It was wonderful.

And I

-I

-I need to have more ofit.

I need to dip mywhole damn body into it.

Help me.

Uh, you know, in some cultures, Kitty, wrinkles are considered beautiful on a

- I'll keep looking.

Barbara, Barbara.

I wantyou to meet bachelor number three.



- Good

-looking, loves dogs, speaks French.



- Bonjour.

[ Imitates Buzzer]

Thanks for playing our game.



- I thought he was kind of cute.



- Barbara, excuse us for a second.



- Did you spot a good one?



- No, I didn't spot a good one.

Dharma, as unusual as this may sound I'm not really into picking up guys for my ex

-girlfriend with mywife.

You thinkyou'd have a better sh*t alone?

Why areyou doing this?

I don't know.

Don't ask me.

I'm the insane,jealous one.

All I know is that she's a ricocheting b*llet and I just have to make sure that when she hits a guy, it's notyou.

I mean, I'm happyto take the b*llet foryou but I don't go that way.

Okay, one more time.

Your little buddy stands behind me ever so casually.

He checks out my hand, he walks over toyou,jaunty as can be whispers inyour ear

- and then

-

- Ha, ha, gin.

Wait a minute! Are you calling me a cheater?

I don't have to call you anything, Ed.

The tape speaks for itself.



- That tape doesn't prove anything.



- Yeah, right.

And all these alien autopsy tapes are just one big, elaborate hoax.

Oh, for God's sake.

You know, Barbara, I thinkyou're just setting your standards a little too high.

I mean, let's not forget, Greg's not perfect.

You know.

I mean, there are some things about him that, well, no one's thrilled about.



- Like what?



- I don't know ifyou noticed but he's got this one big gnarly toe that just looks like it needs its own shoe.

See, I thought that was kind of cute.

Oh, well, tick

-tock.

Let's get you a guy.

Come on.



- How about this one?



- Fatigue.



- Oh.

This one?



- Irritability.

Keep it.

Why don't we just roll up our sleeves and whip up a whole new batch?

Oh, I didn't make it.

I bought it.



- You bought it?



- Yes.

You mean, I could have just gone to the store and bought it?

Yeah.



- Where is the store?



- Okay.

Um you know the place in Chinatown with the ducks hanging in the window right across from the store where, um, ginseng is always on sale?

Street names, woman.

I need street names.

So

-So after my dad d*ed, I sold the store, went to law school.

It was always

- always his dream.

Okay.

Nice try.

We don't need the whole life story.

Scoot, scoot, scoot.

Do you believe that guy?

Leather pants?

Sorry.

I try to screen them.

I guess he slipped through.



- See, I kind ofliked him.



- Okay, I'm on it.

Uh, Dharma, Dharma, wait, wait.

Uh, Dad, calm down.

I'll meetyou there.



- Listen, our dads are gonna k*ll each other.

I have to leave.



- Okay.

Have fun.



- Uh, Dharma.

Dharma.



- What?

Promise meyou'll stick to this crazy plan and not start a new one until I get back.

Honey, I'll be fine.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, you in the leather pants, can I talk toyou for a sec?

Oh, when you're done.

Okay, guys, uh, in here.

Gregory, I appreciateyou taking a moment to settle this little thing.

No problem, Dad.

That's why the F.

B.

I.

built the crime lab to get to the bottom ofthese critical gin rummy disputes.



- So this is where Big Brother watches us from, huh?



- Yeah.



- And can we please do this before he gets back?



- Okay, gin game.

There! See?

You cheated.



- I never cheated on a card game in my life.



- [ Greg]

All right.

All right.

Calm down.

Pete, can we find out what he said there?

No problem.

I just gotta zoom in and, uh, drop out the background noise and see what we got.

Edward, why don'tyou let this guywin a hand?

I'm trying to, but the guy's a freakin' moron.

I guess I oweyou an apology.

Dharma, I am through for the night.

All right.

Well, you know what, I'll pickyou up in the morning and we'll hit a couple churches.

Nice guys at churches, and sometimes pancakes.

Thankyou so much fortrying to help, but I think I'd be more comfortable finding my own guy.

Yeah, I understand that.

But just remember this isn't aboutyou.

Actually, make it 8:30 so we can get a couple ofjoggers on the way.



- Got to go.



- [ Sighs ]



- Your friend's leaving withoutyou?



- Heh, heh, heh.

Actually, no, she's not my friend.



- She's kind ofthe headwaters

-

- [ Both ]

ofthe river of pain.



- How did you know that?



- Myyoga instructor is also a Buddhist master.



- Really?

I teach yoga.



- Hatha or Kundalini?

Uh, well, actually, a little ofboth.

Hathalini.



- I'm Dharma.



- Dharma, as in "Dharma, the ultimate truth ofall things?

" Oh, wow.

[ Giggles ]

How did you know that?

Most peoplejust go, "What kind ofweird name is that?

"

- It's notweird, it's beautiful.



- Thankyou.



- I'm Sid.



- Hi, Sid.

Actually, it's Siddhartha.



- Ooh, parents hippies.



- Yeah.

Grew up in a genuine commune.



- Shut up!

- Yes.

Me too.

Well, until my dad found this Indian tribe thatwas taking on new members.



- Did you get an Indian name?



- Yeah.



- Yeah?



- Crazy Man's Daughter.

That's good.

Be right back.



- Hi.

Sorry that took so long.



- That's okay.



- Everything okay?



- Yeah, it's fine.



- Where's Barbara?



- Uh, she went home.



- Did you find Mr.

Right?



- Yeah, I did but I'm going home with the man I love.

Night, Sid.

Okay, hereyou go, wrinkledlady.

And don'tyou come back again middle of night! [ Speaking Chinese ]

Now wait a minute.

I gave him a $50 bill.

Sir, what about my change?

I said, what about my cha

- Forget it, Kitty.

It's Chinatown.

[Woman Speaking Chinese ]

[Man Speaking Chinese ]