01x04 - And Then There's the Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Look, up in the sky! It's a puffycloud! It's a giant seagull! No! It's Superbride! [ Shouting ]

- What are you doing?

- Wait a sec.

Can you see me?

- Yes.

- Oh, I totally misunderstood that whole "groom can't see the bride in herwedding dress" thing.

Not only can I seeyou, you look unbelievable.

Hey, I, uh, gotyou a little something.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

What is it?

Sit.

Oh, good boy, but Mommy's getting the treat, 'kay?

Dharma, running offand getting married the daywe met was the craziest, most brilliant, truest moment of my life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What'd ya get me?

What'd ya get me?

Will you let me finish?



- [ Sighs ]



- Dharma Finkelstein will you please marry me again this time in a big, obnoxious gala organized by my mother?



- Oh, my God.



- Okay.

Now, don't freak out.

It's not about materialism, I mean, it's just a symbol of my love.

And it's a honker! [ Sighs ]

I love it.



- Oh! I loveyou.

Mmm.



- Loveyou too.



- You ever done it with a bride?



- [Knocking]

Thanks for stopping by.

Go away! [Kitty]

Gregory.

, it'syourmother.

It's not enough she does this in my dreams.

Come in.

What are you doing here?

You can't see her in her dress.



- See, that's what I thought.



- [ Laughs ]

All right.

That's enough.

That's enough.

Come on.

Dharma, we have to doyour hair, your makeup, your nails.



- I did that already, see?



- Yes, well, humor me.



- Bye, groom.



- Bye, bride.

Oh, please, cut the lovey

-dovey crap.

We have a wedding to put on.

Come.

Come.

Come.



- [ "Bridal Chorus" ]



- Da, dum, da

-dum Dip Da, dum, da

-dum Slide Dum, dum, da

-dum Dum, dum

-dum, dum, da

-dum Hop, hop, hop What on earth areyou doing?

Dharma, doyou understand that we have only two hours to do everybody's hair and makeup, locate the cake figure out how to do a champagne toast for 1 50 guests with only two cases of champagne

- Oh, man! I hate word problems.

Oh, no! Edward was supposed to take this down to the groomsmen.

I can't ask him to do one thing, not even

- Oh! Here.

would you take this box ofboutonnieres to the men?

Hey, I'm notyour gofer.

I'm the maid ofhonor.

Well, try thinking less honor, more maid.

Kiss Greg for me! Dharma, dear, please cooperate with me.

I am trying to make this a dayyou will never forget.



- Can I go to the bathroom?



- No.



- That'll do it.



- Hi, honey.

Oh, look atyou! Look at you! Thunder only happens when it's raining.

Yes.

This is Mrs.

Montgomery.

Yes.

I just

- I just passed the hors d'oeuvre tray and there's still no deviled eggs.

"Donde las huevos el diablo?

" Dharma, I want you to have this.

It's the fertility goddess that presided overyour conception.



- Thankyou, Abby.



- Mm

-hmm.

You're gonna have to fightyourway through two forms ofbirth control, my little friend.

Yes, I'll be right there.

Dharma, please, the chair.

Thankyou.



- Kitty! You and I have an important job to do today!

- Yeah.

Well, I have several important jobs to do.

Right now I have to go down to the kitchen and lay three dozen eggs.

I know, I know, I know.

I know, but ifyou could just spare a moment I just thought this would be a nice time foryou and I to give some wisdom to Dharma, because we are the elderwomen ofthe tribe.



- We are?



- We're the grizzled old she

-wolves ofthe pack.

Ah! Much better.

Dharma, I have a little wisdom foryou.

Right nowyour life is filled with love, and that is a wonderful thing a great thing, but that lasts about a year, So I would join some clubs.

Excuse me.

[ Whispering ]

I think she has some issues.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, Dharm.

When a man and a woman come together it's like two streams joining to become a mighty river oflove that flows endlessly to empty into the cosmic ocean.

Oh, God.

Now I really have to go to the bathroom.



- That's a nice dress.



- It burns my flesh.

I can feel the heat! Where areyou goin'?

I think I'm gonna score with the freaky chick.

I keep feelin' like there's something I should be doing.

Gregory, relax.

You're supposed to feel useless on yourwedding day.

It prepares you for the rest ofyour married life.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

That's nice.

I hope that's part ofyour toast.

I gotta tell ya, Greg, your old man has a point.

That's why Abby and I never got married.

Too stifling.

It becomes all about roles.

Oh, admit it, Finkelstein, your roles are in the same ringer as the rest of us.

Not true.

I've got a lot offreedom in my relationship.



- Can you sleep with otherwomen?



- No.



- Doyou have to call home when you're late?



- Well I try never to be late.

I rest my case.

Gin! That's what I need, a case of gin.

All right.

That's I'll be right back.

I, uh, allow Abby to carry the money.

[ Chuckles ]

All right.

Easynow.

There we go.

Up.

Good.

Well.

There.

Oh, my God! I can see my house from up here! Very amusing.

And, now, walk towards me.



- That's a girl.

Very good.

Up, up, up.



- Ow, ow, ow.

Good, good, good.

All right.

Now the head piece.



- Okay, but I shoes are pinching me.



- Of course they are.

They're Italian.

Oh, that is perfect.



- Um, O

-kay.



- There.



- Uh, Kitty, Kitty.

It's piercing my brain.



- Yeah?

That's good.

It won't fall off.

[ Sniffs ]

Oh, Lord.

What is that stench?

I'm burning sage to cleanse the room of evil spirits.

Well, I will open the window and let the little devils out.



- Ladies.



- Hi.

Oh! Oh, no! What areyou wearing?

Aqua Velva.

Too much?

That is not a rose.

That is a carnation.



- What's wrong with a carnation?



- Nothing, ifit's on an Appalachian prom dress.

Dharm, come here.

Let's all take a moment and hold hands and get nice and centered.

Good, 'cause I really need you guys right now.

Oh! We're here forya, baby.

We're here forya.

All right.

We're gonna close our eyes and focus all our energy on Dharma.



- Abby, I need $22.



- Why?

I don't need your permission.

I just need $22.

And we're sending all the energy to Dharma.

Larry, did you eat meat?

No.



- You ate meat.

I can smell it.



- That's my tongue.

It's made of meat.

Either one ofyou, just a little energy myway.

All right.

It's okay ifyou ate meat, Larry.

I just wantyou to understand it makes you belligerent.

And now we're sucking the energy out of Dharma.

No, what makes me belligerent is your "veggier

-than

-thou" attitude.

Good luck with your meat fight! Son, can I giveyou some advice?

Yeah, that would mean a lot to me, Dad.

Put the 4 over here on top and then you can move the king back here.

Both ofyou, take offthose ridiculous boutonnieres.



- Edward, checkbook.



- Why?

Because there's a problem.

I'm throwing money at it.

Is there anything I can do?

No, darling, you have enough to do.

Right.

I haven't wound mywatch out hereyet.

Look! Look at these.

They're awful! Kitty, they're just flowers.

Nobody cares.

And by "nobody," you mean you?

Yes.

Well, let me tell you something, Edward.

Everybody cares, and by "everybody," I mean me.

I care, Edward.

That is myjob in this family.

I care.

I care at every Christmas dinner.

I care at every business function.

I care every time that maid puts a meal down in front ofyou! And for some reason or other, you don't seem to notice.

All right.

All right.

Here's the checkbook.

Thankyou.

Thankyou, Edward.

I will tuck this away in the gaping void that was once my soul.

Don't lose the pen this time! Yippee! Hi, stranger.



- How's it going?



- Great.

Couldn't be better.

I know.

Me too.

I'm having such a wonderful time.

Can we go home now?



- [Kitty]

Gregory.

.



- [ Gasps ]

Quick, in here.



- It's the queen of pain.



- You know, I thought I was the only one who called her that.



- Oh!

- [ Sighs ]

Greg, this is unbelievable, 'kay?



- Now I know why people elope.



- Dharma, we eloped.

I guess we're just a couple of overdressed idiots then, huh?



- It's almost over.



- It hasn't even started yet! Why can't we just leave?

'Cause we'd never be able to face these people again.



- Aw, you promise?



- [ Chuckles ]

We gotta go back.



- It'll get better.

I swear.



- [Kitty]

Dharma.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, God, it's her.

Oh, God, if she finds out I'm in here there's no telling what she'll stick in my head! Okay, quick.

Make a break for it.

This meeting never happened.

You don't know me.



- Vaya con Dios.



- Chili con queso.

They're gone.

Now where were we?

I don't know where you were, but I'm done.

Thanks.

See ya.

What?

What do ya mean, you're done?

Done as in give me my shoes and point me toward the door.

Okay, now all I need is my shoes.

[Piano ]

So I said, "Come on.

You're killin' me.

" It's the bride that's supposed to have somethin' blue.

Pete, in the closet?

My coat's in there.

Just one dog

-faced boy short of a freak show.

So I said, "Best man?

You're not even the best man in this closet.

" Ha, ha.

Funny story.

Go tell Greg.

I'm telling you, I did not know theywere meat.

Can we not do this now?

Okay.

I'm sorry, honey.

You honestly thought the waiter was offering you "figs in a blanket"?

[Piano: "Bridal Chorus"]

I just can't tell you how aggravating it is that your mother attributes everything I say and do to what I eat, and how I breathe and the phases ofthe moon.

Fine, Larry, you're the exception.



- Hi.



- Hi.

Quick, create a diversion while I slip down through this dress and tunnel outta here.

My friends, we come together today to celebrate the joyous union of Dharma Freedom Finkelstein and Gregory Clifford Montgomery.

Clifford?

I didn't know your middle name was Clifford.

A wedding invites us all to share in the boundless happiness oflove.

[ Singsong ]

Clifford.

We come together not simply to witness the union ofiGregory.

and Dharma but to strengthen it by our example.

So I would like to invite at this time all the couples among us to share quietly a heartfelt expression of their love for each other.

[ Mouthing Words ]

You're eating God's creatures.

Well, then, he shouldn't have made them so tasty.



- [ Whispers, Indistinct ]



- What?

I said, "I want a divorce!" And she thought I was gonna screw this up.

I can't believeyou did this at ourwedding.



- Greg, you can't ask them to ignore theirfeelings.



- Why not?

They've been doing it for 30 years.

You couldn't hold out one more day?

Let's everybody squeeze up nice and close and happy family! [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Come on, Edward, maybe it would be helpful ifyou gave Kitty one reason why the two ofyou should stay together.



- Dharma, let's drop it.



- Uh

-uh! Come on, Edward one reason the two ofyou should not get a divorce.



- I'd lose my shirt.



- Okay, let's drop it.



- Ooh! Big smile!

- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Hey, Abby, know what the secret ingredient in myvegetarian chili is?

Moo!

- [ Photographer]

And so happy!

- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

All right, every.

one.

Let's welcome the newlyweds to the dance floor for their first dance as man and wife, Donna and Craig.



- Odds are he means us.



- I never thought Hell would be catered.

Come on.

[ Pop ]

[ Singing ]



- It's "Dharma.

"

- It's actually "Don'tya.

" [ Continues Singing ]

[SingingStops ]

Remind me again whywe had this party.

To make all these people happy.

Look, Abby, white sugar! Refined white sugar.

Mmm! All I'm sayin' is I'm a person.

You know, I have needs.

You're not even gonna let me finish a sentence, areya?

Thirtyyears, Edward, and you've never noticed one damn thing.

Quick, what color are my eyes?



- Hmm?



- Lovely.

Oh.

Well, they look happy to me.

Then ourjob here is done.

[ Whistling ]

[ Both Giggling ]

Whoo! Ah!

- Hoo!

- [ Giggling ]

[ Both Giggle, Groan ]

Ah, freedom.



- Ah, Clifford.



- Will you cut that out?

Okay, you know what?

Don't take this the wrong way, okay?

This is absolutely the last time I'm gonna marryyou.

You know some day our parents will be gone and we'll look back on this day and not miss them so much! [ Laughs ]

That is a terrible thing to say.

Say it again.

It's scary.

Thirtyyears ago my mother and father stood in front of a minister and said the exact same words we just did, and look at them.

That won't happen to us.

I, Dharma Freedom Finkelstein promise to never, ever become my mother.



- Or my mother.



- Like that's possible.

I, Gregory Not

-saying

-the

-middle

-name Montgomery promise that I will not bottle up my feelings for 30 years and spew them like a volcano at our children's wedding.



- Oh! That's a good one.



- Thankyou.

Okay.

I promise to always letyou beyou and me be me

-

- Thankyou.



- As long as every now and then we get to get naked and switch.

Uh, okay.

And doyou promise to always look at me with that light in your eyes?

And doyou promise to always brush my hair off my face like that?

Yes.

And kiss me like that?

You make me feel like the luckiest man in the world.



- Yeah?



- Yeah.

The maid ofhonor cuts the cake The maid ofhonor cuts the cake We don't know where the bride is, so that's who cuts the cake Yum.



- Abby!

- I'm not watching you eat another meatball, Larry.



- I don't feel good.



- Oh, no.

Come on.

Let's go find the kitchen.

I'll make you some peppermint tea.



- With a little cake?



- No cake.

No cake.



- Kitty.



- Well, you were right, Edward.

Nobody cares.

The bride and groom have left the wedding.

The ice swan looks like a fat cobra with a beak.

Some pierced gentleman named "Turk" is bobbing for bridesmaids in the reflecting pool.

But this wedding cakeyou selected is wonderful.

Oh, Edward, thankyou for noticing.

However, this is a wedge of Brie.

You're drunk, aren'tyou?

That's what the gals in the ladies' room said.

Oh, come on, Edward.

Let's dance.

- You got it, Green Eyes.

- They're blue, Edward.

They're blue.