Chris:
Last time,
On "total drama all-stars":
The final five
Went on a slippery, saucy,
Sundae shopping spree
With extra "are you nuts"?
Speaking of slips,
Courtney probably
Should've destroyed
Her incriminating chart
Before mike got his hands
On it.
Or is he mal,
Now and forever?
Either way, thanks
To his latest dirty trick,
Zoey won the challenge
And courtney
Got the watery boot.
Four players remain,
But not for long!
(Someone farts)
(Nervous laugh)
Okay...
Who's going to the finale,
(Another fart)
And who's going
To get a bacterial infection
If "someone" doesn't stop
Using the flush of shame?!
(Yeti growls)
Chris:
Seriously, bro,
We put people in there!
It's all or nothin' time,
Right here on
Total... Drama... All-stars!
(Yeti farts)
Chris:
Eww!
♪♪
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
(Whistling chorus)
(Camera shutter snaps)
Scott:
I can't believe
Courtney's gone.
Now who's gonna yell at me
And make me do stuff
I don't wanna do?
Mal:
You two really had
A good thing going
Until gwen messed it all up.
Scott:
Yeah, she did,
Didn't she?!
I'm the last original cast
Member left on the island.
Yay me!
But if I'm gonna make it
To the finale,
I'll need a few allies.
Hey, scott.
How are you
Holding up?
Pfft!
What do you care?
Sorry, i...
I don't want
Your pity.
I want your head
On a platter!
But I just-
You're just gonna pay
Is what!
So much for making nice
With scott!
Yelling at gwen
Won't bring courtney back,
But it sure feels good.
Plus, now that
I'm the only real villain
Left on the island,
I've got a duty to churn
Everyone else up
Until they're as whipped
And stinky as...
Mawmaw's goat butter!
Man, I miss her cookin'.
The million dollars
Is in my grasp,
And still no one has a clue
That I'm not really mike.
(Chuckles)
I'm gonna use the prize money
To live like a real villain:
In a tower,
Preferably overlooking
A volcano!
I hope we hit
The club district soon.
Vito:
Nah, you ninny!
If this place
Has a "club district"
I'll eat my pants -
Without any katsup!
Unless you've got
Some on ya.
Quit holding out!
(Fire crackles)
Mike:
Manitoba! Finally!
Can't talk now -
Big quota to fill!
Mike:
What's mal making you do?
See them clouds?
Them's your dreams -
My job's to get rid of 'em
So you can never
Enjoy 'em again.
Ungh! Ungghhh!
Mike:
(Gasps) it's the dream I had
About kissing zoey in the rain.
Oh, I loved that dream!
So romantical!
Agh! Don't do that!
Love to, mate,
But mal's the boss.
Argh!
As soon as I regain control,
The first thing I'm gonna do
Is find zoey
And give her a real kiss -
One that mal
Won't be able to ruin!
Agh! Come on,
Stop burning up
My dreams!
Ah well,
We all gotta go sometime.
Don't you wanna
Be free?
But even if we could
b*at mal,
That'd just put you
Back in charge.
So how does that
Make me free?
Vito:
Oh-ay, he's right.
Why should you get
All the control?
'Cause I'm the first,
The original.
Ha! Where's the proof?!
Right here.
See?
Personalities:
(Shocked gasps)
Oh!
(Gasps) mal?!
Noooo!
Zoey: strange...
Chris: I am so bored!
I miss my cottage!
You mean "mansion"?
Anyway, I was kinda-
Did you know the soap here
Is made of soap?
What am i,
A peasant?!
And thread count
Bed sheets?
It's like sleeping
On sandpaper!
M'kay, I'd love to chat more,
But, uh...
I'm about to have
A bathroom emergency...
The expl*sive kind.
Gah!
Way to overshare!
Phew!
Okay, now,
Where was i...?
(Hard thump)
Oh! Alejandro did say
"Look in the art!"
Cameron:
Aggghhh! Ow!
Whoaaaa! Ungh!
Zoey:
(Gasps) so this is mal!
(Mike grunts)
(Deep inhale)
(Evil laughter)
(Electricity crackles)
(Wood splinters,
Water splashes)
(Air hisses)
Zoey: mike! Oh!
Oh no!
Surely he hasn't been mal
This whole time!
I can't believe how long
Mike's been mal! Ugh!
I feel like such a fool
For not realizing sooner.
Chris:
Good morning,
Final four!
Gather on the dock,
Pronto-rooni-o.
It's crunch time!
And by that, I mean
You're about to get crunched.
(Laughs)
So did you sleep well?
Not as well
As you might think.
Look, I know
It's been tough for you
To trust me this year.
But I really am back
In the driver's seat now,
Have been
Since the boat race,
And it's all
Thanks to you!
I promise,
I'm the same mike
Who gave you that bracelet
Last year.
Yeah, I wasn't sure
Who you were sometimes,
But now I know.
Mike gave me a necklace,
Mal,
Not a bracelet,
You weasel!
Chris:
Ahoy, mateys! Arr!
Come to me,
Faithful bird!
Oh, come on!
Stop frowning.
You look great
And you know it.
Hey, if you don't wanna be here
Then... (Boat engine rumbles)
That isn't what
I was gonna say!
(Sighs)
Sorry, it's just
Life is so hard
In the spa hotel.
I'm sick
Of roughing it!
And since I'm craving
The comforts of home,
I've come up
With a special challenge.
Your mission?
To retrieve one
Of four valuable pieces
Of pirate loot
Stashed somewhere
On the island.
Scott:
Pfft! As if there's anything
Valuable around here.
(Scoffs)
There's plenty,
If you know what
You're looking for!
Chris' idea of "valuable"
Is pretty skewed.
He's such an ego maniac,
His most prized possession
Is himself!
Chris:
To determine who searches
For what,
Each player will choose one
Of these four treasure chests!
Arrr! Har har!
Zoey, as the winner
Of the last challenge,
You get to go first.
Mal:
Good luck!
Yeow!
Chris:
Excellent.
Zoey, you must bring me
The yeti.
No way am I letting anyone else
Win this challenge,
Especially mal!
Gah! Pepper?!
(Sniffles and sneezes)
Chris:
Gwen, you must go
To the crumbling,
Life-threatening, dangerous
Wreck of my former cottage
And bring back
An intact portrait of moi.
(Sneezes)
Did... Did he say
"Life-threateningly"?
(Inhales and sneezes)
Scott: agh!
Chris: perrr-fect!
Chris:
You must bring me
The maclean diamond,
Which can be found on or near
The abandoned pirate ship,
Which just happens to be
Guarded by your old pal...
Fang.
Ohhh...
I have to fight a shark
And all gwen has to do
Is find some art?!
How is that fair?
Hey, there's no "fair"
In pirate!
So that leaves
The last chest for me!
What's in it?
Nice try,
But the choice isn't official
Until you see
For yourself.
(Exasperated sigh)
Fine!
(Shocked yelp
Becomes a vicious growl)
(Turtle whimpers
Like a seal)
Chris:
Okay. That's new.
Mike, you must bring me
The long lost original
Golden chris statuette.
Any clue
Where I might find it?
If I knew,
It wouldn't be "long lost,"
Now, would it?
If I'm losing zoey's trust,
I really need to win
This challenge!
If I can't win fairly,
I'll just have to win unfairly.
(Evil laughter)
Helpful hint:
Think fast
And work even faster,
Because two of you
Are going home today!
Contestants:
(Shocked gasp)
Gwen:
I thought three of us
Were going to the finale!
(Laughs)
Yeah, no.
Whoever comes back last,
Or worse,
Empty-handed,
Goes directly
To the flush of shame.
Whoever brings back
Their loot first
Wins a guaranteed spot
In the finale
And... Gets to select
Which of the remaining two
Walks the plank
Into the big john tonight!
All clear?
On your mark...
(Sighs)
Oh, just go!
(Airhorn blasts)
Scott: (hushed tone)
Here, diamond, diamond...
Chris:
And scott's first to reach
His pirate loot zone!
The heat is on!
I hope my loud voice
Isn't getting fang's attention!
(Hushed tone)
Would you keep it down?!
Chris:
They're called loudspeakers,
Bro!
Deal with it!
(Door creaks open,
Toilet flushes)
Easy does it,
Sh-sh-shark.
Just show me
Where the diamond is
And I'll be on my way.
Cool?
Huh?!
Are you kidding me?!
(Terrified scream)
Zoey:
(Gasps) yeti tracks!
Still warm.
Can't be too far.
Chris:
Zoey is zeroing in
On the yeti.
But bringing him back
Might be a bit harder,
Especially if he...
(Feed cuts out)
That'll keep him quiet
For now.
Gwen:
One intact portrait
Coming up.
How hard can it be?
(Gasps)
Why did I have to ask
How hard it could be?
Thanks again, duncan!
Chris:
And gwen reaches
My beloved cottage.
Treat her gently, gwen.
Gently... (Loud crash)
Gwen:
Yeah, yeah.
Ooh, what's that?
(Grunt of effort)
Come on!
(Shocked laugh) whoa!
Where did he come from?!
That guy is just spooky!
What is mal up to now?
Will anyone survive?
You stick around
And find out.
I'm going to the panic room,
Here on total drama all-stars!
Gwen:
(Straining grunts)
Come on, let go!
Unnggghhhh!
Gwen: (grunt of effort)
Mal: (pained grunts)
Gwen:
Agghhh! Mike!
What are you doing here?
Uh, i, uh, figured...
This... This would be
The best place
To look for the original
Chris statuette.
I thought chris said
The thing was "long lost"?
In his basement,
Maybe?
As if he'd ever really lose
A statuette modelled after him.
Mm...
You've got a point.
And now we can help
Each other
Look for the loot!
Yeah. Great.
I used to think mike
Was sweet,
But, lately,
It's like he's gone bad,
And not in a hot-slash-cool,
Leather-jacket-and-graffiti
Kinda way.
Whenever things get mean
Or painful,
He seems to enjoy it.
It's like he's turning
Into chris!
Okay, well, I'll keep an eye
Out for golden statuettes.
And if you see any chris art...
Mal:
I'm on it!
Gwen:
Oh, but be careful!
This place is on the verge
Of collapse.
Thanks for the tip.
(Wood creaks)
Gwen:
Aagghhhh!
Woopsies.
Ahem!
Gwen!
Oh my gosh,
Are you okay?!
Gwen:
(Muffled scream for help)
(Disappointed groan)
Don't worry,
I'll go get help!
(Whistles "in the hall
Of the mountain king")
Gwen:
(Muffled cries for help)
If you can't b*at 'em,
b*at 'em up.
Yeesh!
Has he always been that big?
I wish I had a plan,
But sometimes
You just gotta go for it.
Hi!
Sorry in advance.
Tag, I'm it!
Aaahhhhh!
Chris:
And zoey is first
To find her loot!
Will she be the first one
Back to the dock?
Not if I have anything
To say about it.
If I'm gonna get the diamond
From f-f-fang,
I gotta subdue him
Before he can subdue me.
Pappy taught me
How to hog-tie pigs
When I was kid.
Sharks aren't any different.
Same smooth hides,
Same beady eyes -
They're basically the pigs
Of the sea!
Scott:
Gotcha! Now gimme that diamond!
Aaggghhhh!
(Splintering crash)
Ungh! (Metallic clank)
Agh! Why?!
Sharks are nothing
Like pigs.
(Scott groans in pain)
Perfect timing.
(Clears throat)
Scott!
Oh boy,
Are you okay?
Scott:
(Moans weakly)
I can't stand that sh-sh-shark!
At least you know
Where your pirate loot is.
Scott:
Yeah, but I'll never
Get the diamond off him.
Maybe you should
Just get him -
You know, bring the whole shark
Back to chris!
By myself?
As if!
How about this:
I'll help you get fang
And win the challenge
If you swear to take me with you
To the finale.
For real?!
Brother,
You got a deal!
Let me guess.
He thinks I'm handing him
The million
On some sort of platter?
(Laughs)
Sometimes it's too easy.
(Devious chuckle)
Guy's handing me
The million dollars
On a tin platter,
He just doesn't know it yet!
(Coughing)
Thanks for all the help,
Mike!
(Gasps) no way!
Yes! No rips,
Just some dirt.
Agh! No, no,
Come on now.
Agghhh!
No! No, no!
I have to fix it!
I'll need some mud
And some berries!
That's right;
I got your dinner!
Follow me!
Chris:
Zoey is leading her loot
To the dock,
So if you haven't
Found yours yet,
You might wanna think about
Doing so right now!
Okay. I guess we should
Head back to the dock
To see who wins this.
I need a darker brown
For the hair.
Hmm...
(Bushes rustle,
Gwen yelps)
(Bear grunts)
Ew!
But the colour
Is perfect.
(Yeti growls angrily,
Zoey shrieks)
I give up.
Take the eggs.
Just take them!
Oh no.
Aaggghhhhh!
Ungh! Ew!
Egg butt!
Uh... Sorry!
(Yeti roars)
Zoey:
Whoaaaaaa!
Yoo hoo!
Come 'n' get it!
Dude, what did you do?!
That should've worked!
I have no idea
What went wrong!
Scott:
The line must be caught
Somewhere.
Aaggghhhhh!
Whoopsie.
I ain't done
With you yet!
(Hard punches,
Scott grunts in pain)
(Screaming)
Why?
(Pained groans and moans)
Time for my bath,
Gran-mawmaw?
Mal:
You could say that.
Zoey:
(Screaming)
(Thunderous crash)
Chris:
Well, I can't say I care
For how you did it,
But you did do it.
Zoey wins, again!
Phew!
And here's mal and scott -
So many empty hands!
What's a host to do?!
Sorry, pappy,
I woulda caught the shiny rock
But the sea-pig ate it!
Uh-huh.
What's your excuse?
Okay, I didn't find
The loot I was assigned,
But I did bring back
Another kind of treasure -
An injured competitor -
Your favourite!
It's true,
Injured players are
Some of my favourite things.
Well played!
Scott, you better hope
Gwen comes back empty-handed
Or you're gonzo.
Gwen:
(Panting) I'm here!
I'm here!
And gwen is last
To arrive,
But she comes
Bearing loot,
Unlike scott!
(Dazed murmur)
Funny, I don't remember
This one.
Yeah,
I had to do a...
A little restoration work.
Heh.
(Sniffs) ugh!
What's that earthy aroma?
Oh, it's avant garde!
It's stylized!
It's... It's...
(Sighs, defeated)
It's bear poop.
(Vomits and coughs)
For showing up last
And defacing my portrait,
Gwen gets the flush!
(Zoey and gwen
Gasp in shock)
Scott:
(Dazed groan)
What?! No fair!
Scott and mike
Came back empty-handed!
True, but they didn't
Make me do this.
(Vomits)
(Dejected sigh)
Fine.
Mike:
Mal is the original
Personality?!
I... I can't believe it!
Chester:
Me neither.
Why have I been listening to you
This whole time?!
Shtop!
Who cares who vas
Ze first?
Mike is ze best.
He's more patient
Zan me,
More generous zan chester,
Less egotistical
Zan manitoba,
Und he's a better dancer
Zan vito.
Oh-ay, ay-oh!
(Sighs)
It's true.
Aw, thanks,
But if I'm not the original...
Manitoba:
Ah, go on, ya silly dingo.
Think about it.
We're trapped in a world
Mal created.
So where d'you think
That license came from?
Ew!
Nice try, mal,
But you haven't won yet!
Manitoba:
Took ya long enough!
Come on, I know a shortcut
To mal's guard tower.
Guard tower?
You still haven't
Clued in?
This whole place
Is a jail.
The tower is the only way in
Or out!
Chester:
Uh, er, I don't think I can
Deal with any more walking,
Shortcut or not.
Mike:
Fine, I'll give you
A piggyback.
Chester: (grunts)
Mike: (groans)
Chester:
Giddyup, slowpoke!
Gwen:
Good luck, zoey.
I really hope you win!
Aw, thanks.
Next time I hope
We're on the same team!
Next time?!
Oh no.
No way am I ever coming back
To this dump- (beep)
Agggghhhhh!
Chris:
Who to flush next?
It all comes down to who you
Want to battle in the finale:
Scott or mike?
I wanna bring mike
To the finale, not mal!
But if I ditch mal now,
Mike could be lost forever!
Ugh! Love. Pffft!
Seriously!
I promised to have
A friendship finale,
But things have
Seriously changed since then.
(Yawns)
But I'm a girl of my word,
So...
Sorry, scott!
Scott:
(Whiny) oh!
You're making a mistake!
Mike's a total scammer!
You don't know
What you're in for!
Thanks, scott,
But I know exactly
What I'm up against...
And who.
Aggghhhh!
(Garbled cries)
Scott:
Chris:
We have our finalists!
Who will rule victorious
In the toughest,
Roughest
Million-dollar challenge ever?
Tune in to find out
Next time
On the season finale
Of total... Drama... All-stars!
05x12 - The Bold and the Booty-ful
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Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.
Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.