Chris:
Last time on "total drama":
A brutal teens versus mutants
Fisticuffs free-for-all proved,
Beyond all doubt,
That these guys
Will do anything
For a million bucks!
Even newly re-friended courtney
And gwen had to battle it out.
(Laughs)
The villains ruled victorious,
But in a last minute twist,
The villains got to send
A loser hero home
And the heroes got to send
A winner villain to exile.
So it was "see ya tomorrow,
Alejandro,"
And "see ya never,
Sierra!"
Only eight players remain,
And none of them are ready
For how everything
Is about to change
Right here,
Right now,
On total... Drama... All-stars!
♪♪
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
♪ I wanna be,
I wanna be
♪ I wanna be famous
(Whistling chorus)
(Camera shutter snaps)
Gwen:
(Relaxed yawn)
Ah, I just dreamt
I was riding a fluffy unicorn
Across clouds
Made of marshmallows.
Courtney:
Yeah, they're soft beds
All right.
A couple of days ago
I was ready to quit;
Now that we're friends
Again,
I never want it to end!
I hope we make it
To the finale together.
What about scott?
He's cool and all,
But like you say,
You gotta put friends first.
Awww!
Gwen and courtney:
(In unison) if I don't win
The million bucks,
I hope you do!
And I mean it, too!
Cameron:
Good morning, scott.
No, it's not.
These walls are way too thick.
Speak up!
Cameron:
Well, as long as sierra is far,
Far away,
I'm good!
Scott:
Don't be too sure.
Just 'cause she's gone,
Don't mean you're safe.
Being on the villains team
Is so nerve-wracking
I've started sleeping
With one eye open,
And now I can't blink it.
See?!
I had to throw him off.
The heroes are taking over
The villains team!
Gwen's a wannabe,
And with cameron and courtney,
Me and alejandro
Are outnumbered!
If I was back home
Right now,
I'd be barricading myself
In the cellar
With enough potatoes
And toilet paper
To last till
The next millennium!
Everyone thinks I've gone soft
And lost my edge.
I'll show them who's gone soft.
I'll show 'em all!
(Can rattles)
How about a classic skull
And crossbones?
(Mischievous chuckle)
Awwww.
What a cute bunny!
Duncan:
Argh! Don't call me that!
I was talking about
Your painting.
Duncan:
Huh? Aw, it's not a bunny!
It's emotional graffiti!
Ungh!
(Pained groan)
Grrr! I'll show them.
(Frustrated grunt)
Whatever!
(Gasps)
That's it!
I'll drive chef's ride
Into the ocean.
Then we'll see
Who's not a delinquent!
(Engine sputters)
Huh. Must be something
With the starter.
Let's see...
(Parts clank,
Engine sputters)
Chris:
Attention, campers!
Please gather out front,
Right where duncan's
Being all sweet.
Duncan:
Grrr! No I'm not!
Chef:
Duncan, you fixed my jeep!
You're a good kid!
Grrrrr!
Cameron:
Wow, you survived a whole night
All alone on boney island
Without so much as a scratch?
I'm impressed.
How'd you pull it off?
It is all about attitude.
(Ferocious roar)
Alejandro:
My, your breath is powerful.
It is almost as compelling
As your eyes.
(Harp music plays)
The only eyes more beautiful
Than yours
Are those of that gopher.
(Bear roars ferociously,
Gopher squeals in fear)
Alejandro:
Survival was easy.
Also, I have a special way
With animals.
Enough with
The self-promotion, al.
I have a big
Announcement!
Today,
The teams are being merged!
(Everyone gasps)
That's right!
From now on, challenges are
For individual winners only,
And everyone is at risk
Of getting the not-so-royal
Flush.
(Phone rings)
I have to take this.
It's my stylist.
Yeah, how come my socks
Don't match my shirt?!
Stick together
No matter what?
Friendship finale
Version . ,
Here we come!
Hey, um...
Can I get in on that?
Of course!
For now...
Duncan thinks mike's
Just an alternate personality
For an evil guy he met in juvee
Named mal.
Well, maybe mal is one of mike's
Alternate personalities,
But no way is it
The other way around.
Anyway,
Mike's in control again -
Just ask the tarot.
What's next for mike?
The lonely prisoner...
The creepy tower...
And the evil leprechaun?!
Meh. I couldn't remember
All the cards
So I made a few up.
It's so easy
To imitate mike.
Not even zoey has a clue
I'm not him.
I should have done this
Years ago!
(Evil snicker)
Mike:
(Grunts of effort)
Come on...
(Struggling grunts)
(Exhales, winded)
Man, what a drag.
Wait...
What's with the top
Of that tower?
It kinda looks like...
Question marks:
Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?
Mike:
(Grunts) yes!
Question marks:
Why? Why? Why?
Because!
Chester, are you...
Selling skateboards?
Chester:
Enh, it was mal's idea.
Mike:
(Gasps) maybe you can help me
Fight him
And get control
Of my mind again!
Chester:
Who, mal?
Oh, why, he's the whippiest
Snappin' whippersnapper
That ever snapped a-
Chester!
Will you help me?
Er... Ah, what the heck!
I'm with ya, mike!
Mike:
All right, let's go - heh! -
To the weird, creepy tower!
Chester:
Yeaaahooo-oh boy,
This is gonna probably
End badly.
Chris:
Mm-hm. Yeah!
Guy thinks I'm colour blind.
As if!
Anyhoo...
This week's challenge
Is a regatta around the island.
Duncan:
A re-what-a?
Regatta -
It's a boat race.
So why didn't you
Say that?
Because I'm classy,
Hello?!
First person
To successfully circumnavigate
The entire island
Wins immunity
And a night at the spa hotel.
Don't worry, chef will keep
Things interesting
By providing some "obstacles"
For you!
(Contestants gasp and groan,
Chris laughs)
Some of the boats
Are seaworthy,
Some are sinker-rific,
And they're all first come,
First serve,
Starting... Now!
(Contestants cheer)
Courtney:
Come on, gwen,
Let's go!
Hey! Can I be part
Of your alliance?
Gwen:
Why?
I could use some allies,
And I can protect you
From people like mike.
Courtney:
Ha! Like he's a thr*at.
Duncan:
I'm telling you,
He's dangerous!
I knew him back in juvee
When his name was mal!
Gwen and courtney:
(Laugh)
He thinks mike
Is a thr*at?
Wow. That's like a million
On the lame scale.
Poor duncan.
So sad.
(Laughs)
Chris:
And alejandro takes the lead!
(Boat motors whir smoothly)
Gwen and courtney:
Yes! Woo!
Chris:
And courtney and gwen
Team up by choice,
Despite the whole...
Only-one-person-wins thing.
Interesting.
(Electricity crackles)
(Anchor thuds,
Water splashes)
(Air hisses)
Zoey:
Mike! Oh...
He left us the powerboat!
(Ignition sputters,
Water sputters)
It was already rusty...
Guess the raft
Will have to do!
Cameron:
Hey! Get your own boat!
Duncan:
This is the only one
That floats!
No time to debate.
Let's go!
And start paddling!
Chris:
And the riff-raff
Ride the rickety raft.
(Laughs)
I am hilarious.
(Motor sputters out)
Aie, no!
Come now, beautiful engine.
Start for alejandro!
Chris:
And mike takes the lead!
But will he keep it all the way
Through coconut alley?
Coconut alley?
(Hard clunk)
Ow!
(Coconuts thump)
Chris:
Courtney and gwen reach
Coconut alley!
(Chuckles deviously)
Courtney:
Uh-oh! What's that?
(Loud thumps
And hard clunks)
Gwen: hey! (Gasps)
Courtney: (screams)
Gwen:
Courtney!
Woo!
Thanks, gwen.
I almost got my hair wet!
(Gasps) I would never
Let that happen.
Your hair is fantastic.
No, your hair is!
What's your secret?
I double condition.
Boring!
Better up the ante, chef!
It's times like these
When I really love this job.
(Snickers)
(Loud expl*si*n,
Gwen and courtney scream)
Courtney:
Aw, great!
(Engine sputters
And coughs)
Duncan:
Hey, alejandro,
Boat trouble?
Alejandro:
Not anymore!
(Riff-rafters yelp,
Alejandro laughs)
Adios, non-amigos!
Zoey:
If we only had a motor...
Cameron:
That's it!
Scott:
Huh?
Hey! What was that for?
Cameron:
Sorry, scott,
Nothing personal!
Just attracting our motor!
Scott:
Oh no. No, no, no, no,
No, no, no!
(Horrified scream)
Cameron:
Fang has a bit of an obsession
With scott.
Man! Even cameron is more edgy
Than me
And he's like
A talking pencil!
So far,
Everyone's still alive,
But really,
How likely is that to continue?
Find out when we return
With more
Total... Drama... All-stars!
Duncan:
Here, sharky-sharky!
(Devious laughter)
Scott:
Not funny!
Cameron:
Almost ready.
Zoey, tie the other end
To the raft!
Zoey:
You guys,
This is crazy!
Cameron:
Trust me, it'll work!
I hope.
Scott:
(Terrified screaming)
Zoey:
Hold on, scott!
You're doing great!
Great idea, dude.
Very villainous.
Huh?
Oh my gosh!
Am I turning evil?!
I wasn't trying
To be a villain!
I was just helping scott
To be a hero?
(Banging on engine)
Alejandro:
Ladies.
Scott:
(Screaming)
Gwen and courtney:
(Disappointed groans)
Chris:
This just in:
Mike still has the lead!
And thanks to
The riff-rafters' new engine,
Guess who's last?
Last place?!
Aw, man!
(Furious grunts)
Come on,
You piece of junk!
(Waters splashes)
Scott:
(Screaming)
Incoming!
Hold tight!
(Chuckles victoriously)
Don't mind if I do!
(Growls)
Zoey:
Is that where chris lives?!
Yeah. Beautiful...
Just beautiful.
Zoey:
Duncan!
Where are you going?!
If anyone thinks I've gone soft,
Or lost my mojo,
Let's just say I found a way
To set the record straight.
Piranhas! Dead ahead!
Snappy, toothy piranhas!
Cameron:
And mike!
We might just catch up!
Zoey:
But who are we going
To catch up to?
If only there was a way
To make sure he's really mike
And not some sneaky
Alternate persona.
Cameron:
There is one way.
If you were to get
Into some sort of danger...
Zoey:
That's right!
That gives me a crazy idea -
Wish me luck!
Cameron:
Agh!
(Piranha teeth snap)
(Gasps)
Zoey, no!
Zoey:
Mike! Help!
Miiiike!
Zoey? Zoey!
(Frightened whimper)
Mal:
What the...?
(Inhales)
Hey, why am I on a boat?
Chris:
Alejandro takes the lead!
Too easy!
Zoey:
(Screaming)
Oh my gosh, zoey!
Oh, no you don't!
Ungh!
Mike:
Zoey! I...
Nooo!
Zoey:
(Distantly)
Miiiiiiike!
I don't know
What's happening!
Zoey's in trouble
And there's nothing I can do!
Urgh! When I get out of here,
Mal is going to pay!
Hellllp!
Mal:
Oh, uh, hold on!
The engine won't start.
(Mimics engine sputtering)
Zoey: help!
Mal: (mimics engine sputtering)
Seriously!
Cameron:
Mike, zoey's in danger!
(Sighs) only because otherwise
It'll look "suspicious."
Please don't eat me.
Aggghhhh!
Mal:
Sorry that took so long.
I'm just glad you're okay.
(Relieved breaths)
I knew it!
I knew he wouldn't let me
Become fish food!
So romantic!
(Evil laughter)
How gullible is this girl?
Courtney:
Oh, why won't you work?!
(Engine coughs and whirs)
Gwen:
Oh, thank goodness!
Let's go!
Chris:
All the boats are in
The final stretch!
Who's going to win
Tonight's immunity?
(Engine rumbles
And sputters)
Ugh!
Chris:
Oh! Alejandro's chances
Of winning have stalled!
Just like his motor.
Alejandro:
No! No! No! No!
Zoey:
Nearly there!
Scott:
(Screaming)
Scott: too close!
Cameron: zoey!
Too close!
Cameron:
Help! Zoey!
Oh no!
We have to help cameron!
Mal:
What?
Zoey: I said, we...
Courtney and gwen: woo-hoo!
Mal:
Sorry, i-i can't hear you!
Cameron:
Help!
Scott, I'm so sorry!
I just can't hold you up
Anymore!
(Chomp)
(Screaming)
(Shudders)
Never, ever make enemies
With a critter
Who has more teeth
Than your whole family combined!
Never!
Scott:
(Screams) unnngh!
Your turn to be fish food!
Cameron:
Whoaaa! (Splash)
(Fang roars,
Then sniffs)
Mmm...
Seriously?!
(Huffed sigh)
Guess he wanted a meal,
Not a snack.
Get back up here
And start paddling!
I know what I did
Was wrong,
But fang would've probably only
Chewed on scott for a minute
Before spitting him out,
Just to make a point.
I mean... Right?
(Gulps)
(Engine sputters)
Chris and chef:
(Uncontrollable laughter)
Gwen:
What's alejandro doing?
His engine must've d*ed!
Courtney:
Guess he'll have to...
Alejand-row row row his boat.
(Gwen and courtney laugh,
Boat horn honks)
Gwen:
Hurry!
They're gaining on us!
Courtney:
Not on my yacht!
Courtney and gwen:
All right! Faster! Go, go!
Woo-hoo! Woo! Yeah!
(Engine sputters)
Gwen and courtney:
Yeah! Go, go! Yeah!
(Sputtering)
Chris:
Ooh! Alejandro wins it
By a nose!
Courtney and gwen
Take second place -
Not that it matters -
Mike and zoey take third,
And cameron and scott
May have come in last,
But they were definitely
The funniest!
"A meal, not a snack."
(Hearty laughter)
(Laughing and snorting)
Oh, my sides...
(Exhales)
Pfft! It wasn't that funny,
Chris.
Chris:
Wait a minute.
Where's duncan?
(Thunderous expl*si*n)
Zoey:
What the heck was that?
Chris:
(Gasps) my cottage!
(Anguished cry)
You called that
A cottage?!
It was a mansion!
Duncan:
(Wild laughter)
Oh yeah!
Woo-hoo!
Now who's gone soft?
(Laughing)
So many pictures of me...
Gone!
All, all gone!
We'll build you
Another cottage.
It was not a cottage!
(Depressed sigh)
As winner of today's challenge,
Alejandro gets immunity
And a night at the spa hotel
And he can bring one person
Along with him.
As much as I would love
To bring you all,
I cannot play favourites
And break all of your hearts.
Contestants:
(Disappointed groans)
As for the rest of you,
Time to hit the voting booth.
Hey, alejandro,
So, I was kinda wondering,
Uh, since there aren't
Any teams anymore,
Um, maybe we could form
An alliance or something?
I-i mean, if you want.
Maybe?
(Feigned nervous laughter)
Hmm....
Intriguing and unexpected.
Just the way
I like to play.
Mal: (gasps)
Alejandro: deal.
With a friend like me,
Who needs enemies?
(Evil laughter,
Flames crackle)
Chris: (monotone voice)
(Sighs) good news.
As a reward for making it
To the merge,
There will be no boney island
For any of you tonight.
Contestants:
Yeah! Yes! Yay!
Chris:
Do you know
How many statues of me
Were lost in that expl*si*n?
Five!
Courtney:
Can we just get on
With the ceremony already?!
Told ya!
Told ya I was a villain!
Before you vote for
The first time as individuals,
I have a special surprise
For "boom boom" over here.
Aw, chris,
You shouldn't have!
Cop:
You're under arrest
For the destruction
Of a private cottage.
Courtney:
It was not a... Grrrrr!
Way to go, "bad boy,"
I hope looking cool is worth
Getting locked up again!
It is!
I'm gonna rule juvee!
Chris:
Juvee?
Um, you destroyed
A major piece of property.
It's a big-boy jail for you,
Bro,
And it's gonna be
A real slammer! (Laughs)
Duncan:
Uh... Wait!
It was an accident!
Come on, guys,
Have a heart!
I didn't know you weren't
Supposed to put a toaster
In the microwave!
Aw, snugglemuffins!
Ah, justice.
Okay, it's voting time!
I'm voting for cameron.
He used me for shark bait!
I hate it
When people do that!
With sierra gone,
I don't know who to vote for.
But since scott's so mad at me,
He wins.
I mean, loses.
Well, I believe this
Is a first -
The votes have been tallied
And it's unanimous:
Tonight's flush o' shame
Recipient is...
Cameron.
What?!
How could it be unanimous?
I didn't vote
For myself!
I didn't vote for him
Either!
Relax. Since duncan
The destroyer is gone,
Cameron gets yet another stay
Of flush-icution.
You're still in the game,
For now.
(Relieved sigh)
Sweet!
(Whistles "in the hall
Of the mountain king")
(Evil snicker)
Obviously, the votes
Were tampered with.
I feel like a fly
At a frog banquet.
They're all out
To get me!
Eight players down,
Seven to go.
Who's next to take a paddle
In the big porcelain pond?
My money's on this guy.
Cameron:
Hey!
Find out for sure
When we return
With another all new episode
Of total... Drama...
All-stars!
05x08 - You Regatta Be Kidding Me
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Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.
Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.