Glenn: Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...
[ "Reveille" plays ]
Sal: Attention staff... It's 7:00 A.M.
Rise and shine.
Owen: [ Gasps ]
Sal: That is all.
[ Door closes ]
Cat: [ Groans ]
Night shift. Brutal.
Owen: I bet.
Cat: Good night.
Blake: Hey, O!
Owen: Hey.
Blake, watch out!
Blake: Huh?
Oh! Oh, no!
Oh, man.
What is this? Some kind of Buster Keaton movie?
[ Laughs ]
Hey, hey, what's next?
A banana peel?
Owen: Blake!
[ Glass shatters ]
Blake: Aah!
Oh, my [bleep] face!
Oh, my God!
Oh.
That's fine. It's fine.
5.03 - The C-Word
Sal: Attention staff...
It's 7:00 A.M. Rise and shine.
Owen: [ Gasps ]
Sal: That is all.
Owen: That's the same song they played yesterday.
That's weird.
[ Door closes ]
Cat: [ Groans ]
Night shift. Brutal.
Good night.
Blake: Hey, O!
Owen: Wait a second.
This all happened yesterday.
Am I stuck in some sort of time loop?
Blake, watch out!
Blake: Whoa!
Whoa. Thank you.
Owen: I think I'm trapped in some sort of a time loop.
Blake: Yeah, okay, cool.
Owen: I can practice this day as much as I want.
Blake: Yeah, all right.
Owen: Yeah!
Blake: Yeah.
Whoa-ho!
Not gonna make the same mistake I did yesterday, smashing through a plate of glass like some 21st century's answer to Charlie Chaplin.
Whoa!
Aah!
Oh, my God!
I'm pretty sure my bone is sticking out of my [bleep] leg!
Oh, my God, I'm so scared!
Glenn: Hey, Owen!
Do you have any special skills or talents you want to perform for the troops in today's show?
Owen: I wish I could play the trumpet.
Glenn: Great! Your wish is my command.
[ Chuckles ]
I didn't know he could play the trumpet.
That's great.
Owen: Guess I better learn to play the trumpet.
Good thing I have an eternity to practice.
Sy: Glenn!
Do not make me sorry that I put you in charge of booking this show.
Where are the celebrities?
Glenn: Planes running a little late, Sy.
They will make it.
Sy: Who's coming?
Glenn: [ Scoffs ] I want it to be a surprise.
Sy: No, you don't.
Bono's hologram?
Glenn: Well, you know, it was just a little bit more difficult to book Bono than I anticipated.
Sy: Glenn Close? Who is he?
Glenn: All the good celebrities are doing this MTV-sponsored show for the troops in Dubai.
Sy: You better work it out, or I'm canceling the staff pizza party on Sunday.
Glenn: No pizza? You monster.
Sy: Wait a minute.
Owen plays the trumpet?
Glenn: Yeah.
Sy: Can't wait.
Glenn: I know!
Sy: Who knew?
Glenn: It should be good, right?
I think I might bump Owen up and then pop to Bono's hologram, then end big with this Glenn Close guy.
Chief: [ Sighs ]
Everyone, I have a message.
The plane containing our celebrity holograms has been sh*t down over the sea of Japan.
There were very few survivors.
Glenn: Did any of the holograms make it?
Bono?
Chief: The hard drive containing Bono's hologram crashed.
Literally.
Dori: Such young technology.
Glenn: That's it.
There's no stars and stripes show today.
I failed.
Owen: Don't worry. You still got me for the big show tonight.
I'm off to my first trumpet lesson ever right now.
Glenn: Oh.
Chief: Oh, Glenn, uh, since you're letting Owen learn the trumpet on the day of the show, how about you let me sing a song?
Glenn: No offense, Chief, but I'm sure you're a terrible singer, and people don't like to look at you at all.
You know what I mean?
Dori, look at Chief.
Dori: I'd rather not.
Glenn: See? She cannot do it.
Sal: Attention staff... Incoming wounded.
Survivors from Glenn's failure due in two minutes.
Chet: These are the lucky ones who survived the crash.
The unlucky ones?
Not as lucky.
Sy: Hey! It's international pop star Chase McKeever!
Yo, yo, bro, call me C-Werd.
Chet: Everyone! It's official!
This is happening!
I've got McKeever fever!
I'm gonna faint.
Someone catch me!
Sy: You were going to surprise me with Chase McKeever?
I am so pleased, Glenn.
[ Smooches ]
Everybody listen.
I'm Dr. Marnie Weiss, Chase's personal physician.
I tour with Chase so I can take care of any nodules and lumps.
Sy: On his voice box?
Yes, on his voice box. Let's say that.
I'm also his swagger coach.
Sy: Dr. Weiss, you take care of Chase and make him brand-new, as long as he's ready for the show today.
We are not doing your concert. [ Scoffs ]
We're on the first flight to Dubai to do the "MTV Salutes the Troops" concert.
Let's go, C-Werd.
Sy: Why can't you be more like MTV?
Glenn: Now I know how VH1 feels.
[ Trumpet plays off-key ]
Owen: [ Gasps ]
This is so hard.
The trumpet is a challenging instrument.
It takes years to become proficient.
Owen: That's okay.
I'm in a time loop.
Ah. I got it.
Sal: Attention staff.
Never mind. You're not worth it.
That is all.
Ooh! FroYo, yo!
Yeah.
Aw, damn.
I got FroYo all over my Yo-Yo, yo.
Sy: Nurse Dori, would you please remove Chet from the Celebrity Room?
Doesn't matter.
Our plane to Dubai leaves in 30 minutes.
Chet: I have McKeever fever!
Glenn: Did someone say McKeever fever?
[ Sighs ] This guy again.
Yes, he has McKeever fever.
Glenn: McKeever fever is a very rare, serious virus isolated at the McKeever Medical Conference in 1909.
Chet: Yeah, you see?
Glenn: Dori, quick... Give me 40 cc of epinephrine and prep a tetranizanol drip, stat!
Chet: [ Groans ]
Glenn: The worst of it is over.
Chet: Thank you, Dr. Richie.
Glenn: Of course.
It's okay.
It happens.
You don't have to say anything.
What do you expect me to say?
I'm sorry?
I guess I'm the bad guy here.
Come on, Chase.
Get your do-rag. We're leaving.
Sy: Could I...
Wait, wait.
Glenn, make this right.
The concert is in one hour.
Glenn: Pizza party.
Pizza party.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Okay! Well, first up... You know her.
You've probably avoided staring at her around the base.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Chief!
Chief: Ha! Oh, my God!
Cat: Go, Chief.
Chief: [ Deep voice ] ♪ I am a poor wayfaring stranger ♪
♪ travelling through... ♪
Glenn: Owen! Owen, are you ready?
Owen: No, I can't play this thing yet.
But in a few more months of todays, I'll be ready for today's big show.
Glenn: You're not in a time loop.
And I can tell by your reaction that nobody said that to you until now.
Owen: Oh.
Glenn: Yeah.
Owen: Well, cross me off the list.
Glenn: Yep, okay.
Chief: ♪ I'm going home ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Sy: Chase!
You... you convinced Chase to stay?
Glenn: I didn't do anything.
Yes, you did.
You saved two lives today... Chet's and mine, by teaching me a lesson about humility.
Yeah. Let's make some panties drop, yo!
What's up?! It's the C-Werd!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Rock music plays ]
♪ You make my heart go ♪
♪ up and down ♪
Glenn: Oh, thank you so much.
Thank me after you meet international pop superstar Madonna!
Glenn: What?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Cat: Oh, my God.
It's really Madonna.
[ Deep voice ] ♪ Let's keep this party growin' ♪
Please welcome Rihanna!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Sy: Rihanna, too?!
♪ Touch me everywhere, man ♪
♪ touch me everywhere ♪
Louis C.K.!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Glenn: Oh, Louis!
Yeah, hi.
I guess I'm here so...
I'm standing next to Rihanna, which is... I've never felt fatter and whiter.
Cat: Oh, my God. He gets me.
He gets me.
Freddie Mercury!
Ha!
♪ When I'm all alone ♪
Glenn: He looks great!
I just want Kleenex and cake.
That's all I want.
And international swimsuit supermodel Kate Upton!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Glenn: Br-br-br-br-br-br!
♪ When I'm all alone ♪
♪ Everybody dance ♪
♪ Touch me everywhere ♪
I have a house. I have this... It's a place.
I have it.
Guys, stop masturbating at me.
Glenn: This is good.
I wish Owen was here to see this.
Hey.
Go find your friend.
Glenn: Thanks.
There he is.
Owen: I'm never gonna learn to play the trumpet.
Sure you will.
Glenn: That's right.
All you have to do is believe that you're a great trumpet player and you will be.
Right now.
Owen: Okay!
♪ Everybody dance ♪
[ "Reveille" plays ]
Glenn: I knew if you believed in yourself you could do it!
♪ Touch me everywhere ♪
My daughter is a bitch.
Glenn: [ Laughing ]
♪ Touch me everywhere ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Glenn: What a show.
Ahh.
I only wonder what might have happened between you and me.
Who says it's too late?
Sy: Guess who's getting a pizza party.
[ Feedback ]
Chief: [ Voice breaking ] Everyone, I have a message.
The plane containing all of the pizza in Japan has been sh*t down.
There are no survivors.
Did any toppings survive, or...
Oh, my God!
Oh, my [bleep] God!
Stop it!
[Bleep]
I'm supposed to be Louis C.K.
They could have got me, but they got me instead.
[ "Reveille" continues ]
Sal: Attention staff...
If you were a Japanese woman with freckles, you know you have it pretty good, right?
That is all.
05x03 - The C-Word
Watch/Buy Amazon
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.