02x05 - Taking sh*ts
Posted: 01/18/23 06:20
Guys, I'm freaking out.
Dan O'Connell is performing
at Essex, and I just found out
I get to be his official
student liaison.
- Wait, Dan O'Connell
the stand-up?
He's so funny.
- Yeah.
I love his late-night show.
- He's adorable. He's so cute
in his little suits.
- Wait.
You guys know who he is?
- Uh, yeah. He's,
like, cool and famous.
- I guess I'm just
not used to you guys
knowing anything
about pop culture.
It's like living with
three of my grandma.
- I know things!
Who told you guys that Al Roker
and Lenny Kravitz were cousins?
- Yeah.
My fashion TikTok was
very well-received
until I forgot my password
and I couldn't log back in.
- So what exactly does
a student liaison do?
It sounds like a
super exciting title.
- It is... I get to pick
him up from the airport,
drive him back to campus,
and make sure he has
his favorite turkey
jerky in the greenroom.
I'm the luckiest
girl in the world.
- So you're basically his
free assistant for two days?
- Yeah, I mean, if
I can get this guy
to think I'm funny,
I could leverage it
into the holy grail
for aspiring comedy writers:
being an unpaid intern
on his late-night show.
- That doesn't sound that good.
- No, it is.
Unpaid internships have
been launching nepo babies
and rich kids into successful
careers for decades.
Oh, is that Jackson?
- Hey!
- "Just checking in on you."
Oh, my God. He is
obsessed. I have never once
checked in on anyone.
- Okay, so first he calls you
hot as the KJ party, and then
he, like, nurses you back
to health Jane Austen-style.
Y'all are gonna bone.
- I don't know.
Ever since Jackson took care
of me after my procedure,
things between us have
been, like, clinical.
- Oh, you got med-zoned.
- What's that?
- Med-zoned.
You know, he saw you
looking weak and pitiful,
and now that is how he sees you.
- Dude.
- Sorry, not pitiful.
Just unsexual.
Sickly, like Tiny Tim.
- I'm Tiny Tim?
- Wait, I think it's hot
to take care of a sick guy.
- Totally.
Women think it's hot
to take care of men.
Men don't think it's hot
to take care of women.
Lance Armstrong, Sheryl
Crow, it's all right there.
- As a reminder, I'm not sick.
- If Jackson was into you
once, he can be into you again.
The whole med-zone thing,
it's not real.
- Uh...
Kimberly?
- Hey.
- Hey, I found these
in the bathroom. I
think they're yours.
- Oh, no. Those are not mine.
- It says they're leakproof
postoperative pads
for a heavy flow.
- No, my flow's pretty dainty.
- It has your name written on
the package, Kimberly Finkle.
- Cool, I'll just take those
and you can stop reading things
on the package.
- Man, were you sick.
I will never forget
how gray your face was.
- Yeah.
- All right. Anyways, bye.
- Mm.
- I take it back.
Delete his number.
You two are done.
- Mm-hmm.
- In this lab, you
will try to determine
whether yeast are capable
of metabolizing fructose,
sucrose, glucose, and lactose.
We will be breaking
up in groups of three,
so please find your
name on the wall
for your assigned groups.
- Oh, come on.
- Damn, dude, that wasn't
even under your breath.
- Where's Bela?
- Bela's not gonna make it
to class or lab today.
She has some comedy thing.
- Hmm, I don't really
like funny things.
- Yeah, I can see that.
Well, I'm psyched about
his yeast experiment,
which is not a sentence
I ever thought I'd say.
Look, I'll handle
this lab assignment myself
and get you all an A.
I'd rather do the whole
thing alone than risk
you or Bela messing it up.
- I don't need you doing
the assignment for me.
I've been paying attention
and prepping for the lab too.
I'm gonna do a good job.
Oh, maybe I do like comedy.
I'm just gonna do it, but if
you really wanna be involved,
you can, um, design the
cover page for our report.
Maybe find some cute clip art?
- That's about...
- Willow, Willow, Willow!
Hey, friend. It is
so good to see you.
Hi.
- Oh.
You're Whitney's
roommate, right?
Kimberly, is it?
- Kimberly?
You think
I'm Kimberly?
I would slap you, but I
need something from you.
- Hey, y'all go
ahead without me.
What's up?
- So you're a sophomore, right?
And you know all the
hot girls on campus.
- I am a keeper of
that information, yes.
- I had a run-in with
this girl the other day,
and I've never seen her
before, so I was wondering
if you could tell me who she
is and I did take a picture.
- Oh, my God, this
is some stalker shit.
- Don't be dramatic.
It's not stalking
if the stalker is just
as hot as the victim.
Shouldn't have said "victim,"
but could you just zoom in
and see if you recognize her?
Oh, I do know her.
Her name is Tatum.
She's a junior on
the tennis team.
- Yes, I knew I
would figure it out.
- That girl looks
exactly like you.
Oh, are you in the twincest
phase of coming out?
- Twincest?
- Mm-hmm.
- Like I'm interested in Tatum
'cause she reminds me of me?
No. Okay, that's gross.
- Lies, that what I told
myself when I dated Jazmin.
- Hmm. Yeah, that's weird.
- Yes, it is, but
it's not not hot.
- Do you think you know Tatum
well enough to introduce me?
- Do you want that
enough that you'd, like,
buy me a jacket?
- Are you serious?
- I am. I'm being friendly,
but I consider
this transactional.
- Fine, yes. Yes.
If you help me, I
will buy you a jacket.
- Okay, deal. Now
I know this may be
a silly question to
ask a white person,
but do you own a tennis racket?
- Wilson or Babolat?
I have both.
- We just need one.
- Well, you're
probably wondering
why I called this staff meeting.
This is one of
the hardest things
I've ever had to say.
- Oh, no. Did someone die?
- In a way, yes.
This is officially
my last day at Sips.
I have been let go.
- Let go?
- Oh.
- Oh, no. They found
some weird shit
on your computer, huh?
- I knew it.
Oh, my God, we're
gonna be on "Dateline."
- No, it's nothing like that.
The administration
said, and I quote,
"A student could do my job."
Can you believe that?
- No.
- What?
- Mm-mm.
- That's crazy.
- It has been the honor
of my life to oversee this place
for 30 years.
- 30 years?
How old is this man?
- We're gonna be starting
a little Venmo fund
for a goodbye gift,
just a little something
to say "Thank you, Roger."
- So we, your employees,
are going to be giving
you, our boss, money?
- That is correct.
I have no savings.
- Well, I think I can say
for all of us when I say,
words cannot espresso
what you bean to us.
- Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.
Everything I brew,
I brew it for you?
- Whatever you do next,
I hope it will mocha
you very happy.
Puns about coffee.
That's my favorite.
It's why you guys
are my best friends.
Come here.
- Wow.
- I'm getting a little
nervous about meeting Dan.
Should I say "hi" or "hello"
when I first see him?
Which word is funnier?
- Just try to be normal.
I mean, I know you're
incapable of doing that.
- The good news is, it's
an hour-long trip back
to campus for some
uninterrupted one on one.
So I'll have him trapped.
- Do not use those
words with him.
- I mapped out a
route that takes us
by a Taco Bell because
I came up with a joke
about Taco Bell. It adds
23 minutes to the trip,
but I think it's worth it.
- Bela, you sound insane.
You just need to be yourself
and I'm sure this guy'll think
you're great and funny.
- Thank you.
I needed to hear
that. Shit, he's here.
Okay. I gotta go, bye.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello. I'm Bela Malhotra,
your student liaison.
It's an honor to meet you
and have the opportunity to
pick that brilliant brain
of yours.
Okay, I'll take your bag.
- Oh, are you sure?
- Yeah, I go to the gym.
You sure you wouldn't be
more comfortable up front?
I don't mind.
- Oh, that's great.
- Okay, great, I'll pull
over maybe at a Taco Bell
that's coming up? You
know, the funny thing about
Taco Bell is that even
though it thinks...
Sorry. I was
talking to my agent.
- Ah.
- Sorry, yeah, uh-huh.
Look, listen, I know that
it's a Super Bowl ad,
but mayonnaise just
seems kind of gross.
Hey, Bela.
- Yeah.
- It's a little
chilly back here.
- Yeah, I guess the question is
how much mayo would
I have to eat?
- I got you, boo. A cappuccino
and a white chocolate biscotti.
- And you drew Shakespeare
in the foam!
- You're one of a kind, Lila.
- Oh.
- Isn't she great?
- She's definitely
a big presence here.
- Enjoy it, Professor Dobson.
And try not to fall
asleep on the table again.
- How could I, with
a drink like this?
- Lila, I have sort
of a crazy idea.
- That we should
get new uniforms
now the management's changing?
Agreed, 'cause this maroon polo,
it's not emphasizing my assets.
- No.
Lila, I think you would be a
really good manager of Sips.
You should apply for the job.
- You think I want Roger's job?
- You would make so much money,
and you'd be the boss.
- What makes you think
I'd have any interest
in climbing the corporate ladder
of some little coffee shop?
- You're just
personable and caring.
It's just an idea.
- Yeah, a bad one.
I'm going on a break.
- Wait, how am I always
the only one working?
- And then she completely
flew off the handle.
I don't get what I said wrong.
- Well, telling somebody
that they should do a job
that you wouldn't
wanna do yourself,
it's like telling
someone their mom is hot.
No one wants to hear it.
- Yours really is though.
- For the last time, stop.
- Yeah, my day's
been pretty bad too.
This bio bro in
Professor Harpin's class
keeps icing me out of
our lab assignment.
I'm sure he'll get
us an A, but still.
It's infuriating.
- Not to be anti-feminist,
but I don't see the problem.
I would die for somebody to
do my boring science homework.
- Okay, believe it or not,
I genuinely like this class.
We're determining the
respiration rate of yeast
using different sugars.
- Who are you and what
have you done with Whitney?
- Okay, don't diss me for
liking science, math nerd.
- Math is objectively
cooler than biochem.
Ask anyone, calculated
variables are the shit.
- You wish.
- Wait, are you nerds,
and am I the cool roommate now?
No.
Oh.
- Oh, shit.
- You good? You're
eating your food
like you're mad at it.
- I just got a text from Dan.
He has a zit. Duty calls.
- How did it go in the car?
Did he agree to read your stuff?
- The moment didn't feel right,
so I haven't asked him yet.
I didn't want to bug him and
come off like a try-hard.
- Why not? That's, like, one
of your defining qualities.
- It's okay. I have a plan.
First of all, show
him I'm above nothing
and don't respect myself,
and then he'll hire me
to keep doing that.
- Again, that doesn't
sound like a good job.
- Okay.
Yes! That is match point!
In your face!
- I know we agreed that
I would lose to you,
but you don't have to
be so annoying about it.
- It needs to be impressive.
Do you think she saw?
- Mm-mm.
- Damn it!
Tatum hasn't looked
over here once.
I wonder if it's
my backhand form.
- I think it's that
she doesn't know
or care who you are.
- She is so indifferent.
It's so f*cking hot.
- Mm.
- Okay, they're
taking a water break.
This is our chance.
Come on. Be cool.
- Can I still peel my orange?
- Just...
- Hey, what's up, Kate?
- What are you
guys up to tonight?
Anything good?
- Um, I might go to
that Dan O'Connell show.
My roommate helped organize
it, so I kind of have an in.
Do you think, um, you might go?
It's Tatum, right?
- Yeah, no, I'm not really
into campus-sponsored events.
But that should be fun
for, like, gen pop.
- Oh, agree. Agree.
I hate campus-sponsored events.
Oh, my God. I was only going
so I could, like,
make fun of it.
Just own it
if that's what you're into.
All right, come on.
Let's get back to it.
- That was humiliating.
Not only did she reject me,
but she condemned my personhood.
- I'm really sorry. It
happens to everyone.
- No, not young,
beautiful blonde women
who have gone to the Met Gala.
- You're losing me
- Take my credit
card. Buy your jacket.
- Like, right now?
- It's your lucky day.
I brought fancy doughnuts,
coffee, and my big ol' brain
to help us destroy this lab.
- First of all, I hate
this kind of doughnut.
I don't need, like, a slice
of bacon on my doughnut.
And secondly, why are you
here? I told you not to come.
- Well, I don't just do
what you tell me to, bro.
- Look, I know your mom
is a senator or whatever,
so I'm trying to be respectful.
- This is your respectful?
- But this class
is important to me.
I wanna go to med
school and be a doctor.
I'm not some rich
soccer jock party girl
whose mom will bankroll
the rest of my life.
- You don't know me at all.
I've been working my ass off
in this class, and I
understand this lab.
Give me a chance
to prove that I...
Shit! f*ck.
- Well, I'll hand it to you.
You did destroy this lab.
- Kimberly! Wait up.
- Oh, hey.
- Uh, it's a latte.
I drew Elena Kagan on it
because I know you like her,
but then I tripped on
the way coming over here,
so now she looks
like Chris Farley.
I'm sorry if suggesting
the manager job
at Sips was insulting.
I just thought about who
I would want to be my boss
and it would obviously be you.
- Girl, I overreacted.
Honestly, I think I'd
be good at it too,
but the idea of
interviewing for it,
it scares me.
I've never been
good at interviews.
- You're not good
at interviewing?
I don't believe that.
You can be so charming
when you're not angry or hungry.
- Thank you, bitch. I agree.
I'm charming as shit.
It's an aura, but
for some reason,
when people with authority
ask me questions,
I just... I get so nervous.
- Oh, but everyone gets nervous.
It shouldn't stop you
from going after the job
if you want it. You know what?
Let's do a mock interview.
We can practice, and that way
you won't be nervous on the day.
- Okay.
But I have never
done role-playing
outside of a sexual context.
- I believe in you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Let's do this.
Again,
sorry you were cold.
They're gonna make
sure the temperature's
exactly at 75.
- Thank you. Yeah,
it's just the cold
is, like, hurting my bones.
- Hey, I just wanted to say,
you've been such an
inspiration to me.
I've been trying
to play it cool,
but I'm a huge comedy nerd,
and I hope to do cool
stuff like you one day.
- That's really sweet
to hear. You know,
I was like you in college.
- Really?
- Conan O'Brien did a show
at UPenn when I was there,
and I was so nervous to meet him
that my hand was
dripping with sweat.
- Well, that's me right
now, but it's my armpits.
Shouldn't have worn wool.
Hey, if you like comedy,
I actually have a question
you could be helpful with.
- Oh, my God, yes.
- So could you tell me,
like, any details about what's
going on at Essex these days?
- Ah, okay. Lemme think.
- Yeah.
- Um...
a sophomore got trampled in
the crowd at fajita night.
A bunch of students
are suing the school
from being scalded
by the showers.
- Okay. Well, maybe not those.
- Um, the girls softball team
got suspended for doing MDMA.
- Really?
High female athletes
tripping balls instead
of throwing them.
That's perfect. Thank you.
Hey, I love your show
and would k*ll to be
considered for an internship.
It would mean the world to me,
and I would do such a good job.
- You know what?
Send me your résumé.
I'm always setting
up new projects,
and we're always
looking for free labor.
- Oh, my God, thank you.
Of course.
- It's time to go on.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Here we go.
- Have a good show.
Yes! Yes!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan O'Connell.
Hello! My goodness!
Holy cow!
Hello, Essex College!
My God.
A little amped up, aren't we?
Yeah!
Wow, have we been partying
with the girls softball team?
That's what I thought.
A student named Bela
helped me with that one.
Thank you, Bela.
So who's single?
- Okay, so I'll play
the interviewer.
- Thank you so much for
applying for the job.
What made you interested in it?
- Easy. The money
and the power, bitch.
- That might be too
honest, and I don't think
you should call the
interviewer "bitch."
- My authenticity
is my greatest gift.
- Let's start over.
How are your customer relations?
- Oh, so good.
And I'm not above
giving a butt squeeze
to a good tipper.
- That is problematic,
and I think illegal. Can
you take this seriously?
Kimberly,
this is impossible.
I can't be this
polite, professional
little miss perfect.
- You don't have to be perfect.
You just have to show
them the real Lila,
not the tough, outrageous Lila
who doesn't care
what people think.
The one who does care.
- I don't think I can do this.
- Yes, you can.
Now again, why do
you, Lila Flores,
wanna be the manager of Sips?
- I started working at Sips
because I needed the money.
- Mm-hmm.
- But then I actually
started liking it.
I like scheduling.
I like making oat milk lattes
and seeing how happy
it makes people.
Sips is my community,
and I want the chance to be
the leader of my community.
- That was so great.
- It was?
- Yes.
Yes, honey.
I'ma breathe and
body this thing.
- Oh, and just remember
the most important thing
I told you.
- Oh, I know, I know, I know.
Wear a bra. I got this.
- And he used my joke.
Well, not my joke exactly,
but my observation,
which he turned he turned into
a funny topical shout-out,
which is, like, a quarter
of a joke, I think.
- And he agreed to consider
you for an internship?
That's amazing.
- I know, right?
But right now, I need to
hurry up and get him a beer.
He specified that he
wanted it ice-cold.
- Oh, yeah. Cool. I got it.
Can I get a beer, please?
- No, that's okay. I...
- Let's go.
I'm dying to meet him.
- Nice to meet you guys.
- Want an icy cold beer?
Heard ya weirdly like 'em
like that.
- Thanks, man.
- Dan, this is Eric.
- I'm a huge fan, and
I'm the editor in chief
of "The Catullan."
- "The Catullan!" No shit?
About half my writing
staff's from "The Catullan."
You run the whole thing?
- Look, that's only a big deal
to, like, two dozen
people in the whole world,
so I'm really glad
you're one of 'em.
You know, people said
late-night variety
shows were dead,
but you're, like,
making 'em cool again.
- Thanks, man.
Yeah, it is so much work,
so that really means a lot.
You know, you guys
should really work
on your writers'
submission packets
for the show.
- Writers' packets?
- Yeah.
- Hypothetically, what
do you like to see
in a typical writer's packet?
- Well, ideally it would be
50 monologue jokes, 3
pages of segment ideas,
a handful of sketches, some
hard-hitting desk pieces,
and nothing I've
ever seen before.
- I'm gonna be
real with you, Dan.
I don't have any of that stuff,
but I'm gonna work really
hard tonight and make sure...
- Uh, Dan, I actually
have a packet
that meets the criteria,
and I would love
to have it be considered.
- Yeah, sure. You know, hey.
Gimme your phone.
Yeah, come on.
I'm gonna put my info in it.
I like your attitude.
Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Well, if you excuse
me, I'm gonna find
a bathroom in this frat house,
and I really hope a drunk
guy hugs me at the urinal.
All right, have fun.
- What the hell was that?
- What?
- You know how important
this was to me.
I've been Dan's sl*ve
for two days now.
I had to get him a Zyrtec
at 2:00 a.m. last night
because Vermont
makes him sneezy.
- Bela, in case you forgot,
being a comedy writer
is also my dream.
- Yeah.
But I clearly had dibs on him.
- Dibs? Are you serious?
This is my future too.
That doesn't change just
'cause we're dating.
I'm gonna do whatever
it takes, just like you.
- Great, so instead of
being here until 2:00 a.m.,
we'll be here until morning.
Now I'm stress eating
your crappy doughnuts.
Are you happy?
- Wait, you made a mistake.
- By not tricking
you into thinking
this lab was in a
different building?
Yeah, that was a mistake.
- No, in the lab.
I'm looking at your work,
and your penmanship is horrible,
by the way, but
your math is off.
We're measuring the rate of
CO2 as the yeast respires.
Yeast can metabolize
sugar in two ways,
but you didn't account
for aerobic and anaerobic.
- I probably just made an error
'cause you were distracting me.
- You did this
before I got here.
I guess I did.
- Mm, you did what?
- I made a mistake.
- I guess
it's a good thing I came,
otherwise you'd have ended up
doing the entire thing wrong.
You should be grateful I
spilled on your papers.
- Okay, you did one thing right.
Let's not get carried away.
But thank you for catching that.
Hmm.
Oh, my God, it's Tatum.
No, no, no. Do not look, okay?
I had a super
embarrassing run-in
with her earlier.
- Wait. That girl?
Earlier I talked to her
for, like, 20 minutes,
thinking it was you.
- Oh.
- Leighton, you
should go say hi.
- I can't. It was
brutal. All right?
My only move now is to avoid her
at all costs until I graduate.
- Sometimes you build
things up in your head,
and they're really
not as bad as...
Oh, my God, she hates us.
I didn't know it was
possible to bully someone
with just your eyes.
- Sorry.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
How was the comedy show?
- You know what? It was great.
There was nothing cool about it,
but I f*ckin' loved it.
It was fun to be around
other excited gen pop
all enjoying something together.
- Wow, okay.
- So you can be as judgmental
as you want, but I
promise you, babe,
there is no way you are
as judgmental as me.
- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.
And yeah, like, you
know, um, I used to have
those exact same Prada boots
until I realized that they
were way too many seasons old
to keep in my closet.
Damn.
Okay, I've never been
Prada shamed before.
- Mm.
- Here.
Put your number in my phone.
- There.
- 917, cool.
I'm from New York too.
I just texted you.
- New York, huh?
Brave thing to say when
you're a 516 number.
Long Island. How sad.
- Oh, my God,
him. It's Jackson.
- Wait, that's Jackson?
He looks like Thor's stand-in.
- Yeah, I know, but
it doesn't matter.
He saw me at my lowest point,
and now that's all he
associates me with.
I've been med-zoned,
which means...
- Yeah, yeah. I get it.
You need to practice
what you preach.
I thought no one
would ever see me
as management
material, but you did.
And just because no
one would ever see you
in a million,
billion years pulling
that luscious Midwestern
corn-fed m*therf*cker,
does not mean that he
might not be into it.
- Go get him.
- Oh, hey, champ. How
you feeling today?
- While I appreciate
your concern, I'm good.
Like, 100% healed.
I'm not fragile, not
Tiny Tim. I'm good.
It's almost as if
it never happened.
So you don't have to
ask me how I am anymore.
I'm ready for anything.
- Is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you looking at my arms?
- No, no. I mean, I
thought you had a stain
on your shirt, but you don't.
It's okay. I don't mind.
So I'm gonna head out.
- Yeah, sounds good.
Good night.
- Good night.
- I'm officially serving
corporate realness.
I got the job.
- Oh, my God!
- Ay, congratulations.
- I'm so happy the
interview went well.
- I still blurted
out a few awkward
and highly inappropriate things,
but I got the earnest shit
out first, so they ate it up.
Should we
honor your achievement
by ending our shift early...
- And playing a little
pong at the KJ house?
- Are you out of your
minds? Cutting out early
to d*ck around on
the company's dime?
Not on my watch.
Get back to work.
- We're just trying
to celebrate you.
- Yeah, but the thing is,
I work for the man now, b*tches.
And I found out I
get a big, old bonus
if I keep profits up.
Oh, I'm gonna like
this.
- Can't believe I miss Roger.
- How's your packet going?
I've never seen you pull
an all-nighter before.
I'm impressed, and
it was way easier
to sleep without
all your snoring.
- I don't know how to do any
of this shit.
It's so annoying.
The only reason Eric
even knows is because
of years of patriarchal access
to the old boys' network.
- Oh, my God, it
is way too early
for all this angry
feminist shit.
- I'm never gonna have
this submission in
before Eric, and his is gonna be
so much better.
- Hey, he's got
nothing on you, okay?
You make me laugh
every single day,
even when you don't mean to.
You're funny as hell.
- Thank you.
- I'm sure
that you've already
impressed Dan.
You just gotta take
every opportunity
to make him remember you.
- Hey. Whoa.
Oh, thank you.
You know, no one
should look that good
this early in the morning.
That's why I look like shit.
I have the car downstairs ready
to take you to the airport.
- Great. I'll grab my luggage.
- Go to bed.
Dan O'Connell is performing
at Essex, and I just found out
I get to be his official
student liaison.
- Wait, Dan O'Connell
the stand-up?
He's so funny.
- Yeah.
I love his late-night show.
- He's adorable. He's so cute
in his little suits.
- Wait.
You guys know who he is?
- Uh, yeah. He's,
like, cool and famous.
- I guess I'm just
not used to you guys
knowing anything
about pop culture.
It's like living with
three of my grandma.
- I know things!
Who told you guys that Al Roker
and Lenny Kravitz were cousins?
- Yeah.
My fashion TikTok was
very well-received
until I forgot my password
and I couldn't log back in.
- So what exactly does
a student liaison do?
It sounds like a
super exciting title.
- It is... I get to pick
him up from the airport,
drive him back to campus,
and make sure he has
his favorite turkey
jerky in the greenroom.
I'm the luckiest
girl in the world.
- So you're basically his
free assistant for two days?
- Yeah, I mean, if
I can get this guy
to think I'm funny,
I could leverage it
into the holy grail
for aspiring comedy writers:
being an unpaid intern
on his late-night show.
- That doesn't sound that good.
- No, it is.
Unpaid internships have
been launching nepo babies
and rich kids into successful
careers for decades.
Oh, is that Jackson?
- Hey!
- "Just checking in on you."
Oh, my God. He is
obsessed. I have never once
checked in on anyone.
- Okay, so first he calls you
hot as the KJ party, and then
he, like, nurses you back
to health Jane Austen-style.
Y'all are gonna bone.
- I don't know.
Ever since Jackson took care
of me after my procedure,
things between us have
been, like, clinical.
- Oh, you got med-zoned.
- What's that?
- Med-zoned.
You know, he saw you
looking weak and pitiful,
and now that is how he sees you.
- Dude.
- Sorry, not pitiful.
Just unsexual.
Sickly, like Tiny Tim.
- I'm Tiny Tim?
- Wait, I think it's hot
to take care of a sick guy.
- Totally.
Women think it's hot
to take care of men.
Men don't think it's hot
to take care of women.
Lance Armstrong, Sheryl
Crow, it's all right there.
- As a reminder, I'm not sick.
- If Jackson was into you
once, he can be into you again.
The whole med-zone thing,
it's not real.
- Uh...
Kimberly?
- Hey.
- Hey, I found these
in the bathroom. I
think they're yours.
- Oh, no. Those are not mine.
- It says they're leakproof
postoperative pads
for a heavy flow.
- No, my flow's pretty dainty.
- It has your name written on
the package, Kimberly Finkle.
- Cool, I'll just take those
and you can stop reading things
on the package.
- Man, were you sick.
I will never forget
how gray your face was.
- Yeah.
- All right. Anyways, bye.
- Mm.
- I take it back.
Delete his number.
You two are done.
- Mm-hmm.
- In this lab, you
will try to determine
whether yeast are capable
of metabolizing fructose,
sucrose, glucose, and lactose.
We will be breaking
up in groups of three,
so please find your
name on the wall
for your assigned groups.
- Oh, come on.
- Damn, dude, that wasn't
even under your breath.
- Where's Bela?
- Bela's not gonna make it
to class or lab today.
She has some comedy thing.
- Hmm, I don't really
like funny things.
- Yeah, I can see that.
Well, I'm psyched about
his yeast experiment,
which is not a sentence
I ever thought I'd say.
Look, I'll handle
this lab assignment myself
and get you all an A.
I'd rather do the whole
thing alone than risk
you or Bela messing it up.
- I don't need you doing
the assignment for me.
I've been paying attention
and prepping for the lab too.
I'm gonna do a good job.
Oh, maybe I do like comedy.
I'm just gonna do it, but if
you really wanna be involved,
you can, um, design the
cover page for our report.
Maybe find some cute clip art?
- That's about...
- Willow, Willow, Willow!
Hey, friend. It is
so good to see you.
Hi.
- Oh.
You're Whitney's
roommate, right?
Kimberly, is it?
- Kimberly?
You think
I'm Kimberly?
I would slap you, but I
need something from you.
- Hey, y'all go
ahead without me.
What's up?
- So you're a sophomore, right?
And you know all the
hot girls on campus.
- I am a keeper of
that information, yes.
- I had a run-in with
this girl the other day,
and I've never seen her
before, so I was wondering
if you could tell me who she
is and I did take a picture.
- Oh, my God, this
is some stalker shit.
- Don't be dramatic.
It's not stalking
if the stalker is just
as hot as the victim.
Shouldn't have said "victim,"
but could you just zoom in
and see if you recognize her?
Oh, I do know her.
Her name is Tatum.
She's a junior on
the tennis team.
- Yes, I knew I
would figure it out.
- That girl looks
exactly like you.
Oh, are you in the twincest
phase of coming out?
- Twincest?
- Mm-hmm.
- Like I'm interested in Tatum
'cause she reminds me of me?
No. Okay, that's gross.
- Lies, that what I told
myself when I dated Jazmin.
- Hmm. Yeah, that's weird.
- Yes, it is, but
it's not not hot.
- Do you think you know Tatum
well enough to introduce me?
- Do you want that
enough that you'd, like,
buy me a jacket?
- Are you serious?
- I am. I'm being friendly,
but I consider
this transactional.
- Fine, yes. Yes.
If you help me, I
will buy you a jacket.
- Okay, deal. Now
I know this may be
a silly question to
ask a white person,
but do you own a tennis racket?
- Wilson or Babolat?
I have both.
- We just need one.
- Well, you're
probably wondering
why I called this staff meeting.
This is one of
the hardest things
I've ever had to say.
- Oh, no. Did someone die?
- In a way, yes.
This is officially
my last day at Sips.
I have been let go.
- Let go?
- Oh.
- Oh, no. They found
some weird shit
on your computer, huh?
- I knew it.
Oh, my God, we're
gonna be on "Dateline."
- No, it's nothing like that.
The administration
said, and I quote,
"A student could do my job."
Can you believe that?
- No.
- What?
- Mm-mm.
- That's crazy.
- It has been the honor
of my life to oversee this place
for 30 years.
- 30 years?
How old is this man?
- We're gonna be starting
a little Venmo fund
for a goodbye gift,
just a little something
to say "Thank you, Roger."
- So we, your employees,
are going to be giving
you, our boss, money?
- That is correct.
I have no savings.
- Well, I think I can say
for all of us when I say,
words cannot espresso
what you bean to us.
- Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.
Everything I brew,
I brew it for you?
- Whatever you do next,
I hope it will mocha
you very happy.
Puns about coffee.
That's my favorite.
It's why you guys
are my best friends.
Come here.
- Wow.
- I'm getting a little
nervous about meeting Dan.
Should I say "hi" or "hello"
when I first see him?
Which word is funnier?
- Just try to be normal.
I mean, I know you're
incapable of doing that.
- The good news is, it's
an hour-long trip back
to campus for some
uninterrupted one on one.
So I'll have him trapped.
- Do not use those
words with him.
- I mapped out a
route that takes us
by a Taco Bell because
I came up with a joke
about Taco Bell. It adds
23 minutes to the trip,
but I think it's worth it.
- Bela, you sound insane.
You just need to be yourself
and I'm sure this guy'll think
you're great and funny.
- Thank you.
I needed to hear
that. Shit, he's here.
Okay. I gotta go, bye.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello. I'm Bela Malhotra,
your student liaison.
It's an honor to meet you
and have the opportunity to
pick that brilliant brain
of yours.
Okay, I'll take your bag.
- Oh, are you sure?
- Yeah, I go to the gym.
You sure you wouldn't be
more comfortable up front?
I don't mind.
- Oh, that's great.
- Okay, great, I'll pull
over maybe at a Taco Bell
that's coming up? You
know, the funny thing about
Taco Bell is that even
though it thinks...
Sorry. I was
talking to my agent.
- Ah.
- Sorry, yeah, uh-huh.
Look, listen, I know that
it's a Super Bowl ad,
but mayonnaise just
seems kind of gross.
Hey, Bela.
- Yeah.
- It's a little
chilly back here.
- Yeah, I guess the question is
how much mayo would
I have to eat?
- I got you, boo. A cappuccino
and a white chocolate biscotti.
- And you drew Shakespeare
in the foam!
- You're one of a kind, Lila.
- Oh.
- Isn't she great?
- She's definitely
a big presence here.
- Enjoy it, Professor Dobson.
And try not to fall
asleep on the table again.
- How could I, with
a drink like this?
- Lila, I have sort
of a crazy idea.
- That we should
get new uniforms
now the management's changing?
Agreed, 'cause this maroon polo,
it's not emphasizing my assets.
- No.
Lila, I think you would be a
really good manager of Sips.
You should apply for the job.
- You think I want Roger's job?
- You would make so much money,
and you'd be the boss.
- What makes you think
I'd have any interest
in climbing the corporate ladder
of some little coffee shop?
- You're just
personable and caring.
It's just an idea.
- Yeah, a bad one.
I'm going on a break.
- Wait, how am I always
the only one working?
- And then she completely
flew off the handle.
I don't get what I said wrong.
- Well, telling somebody
that they should do a job
that you wouldn't
wanna do yourself,
it's like telling
someone their mom is hot.
No one wants to hear it.
- Yours really is though.
- For the last time, stop.
- Yeah, my day's
been pretty bad too.
This bio bro in
Professor Harpin's class
keeps icing me out of
our lab assignment.
I'm sure he'll get
us an A, but still.
It's infuriating.
- Not to be anti-feminist,
but I don't see the problem.
I would die for somebody to
do my boring science homework.
- Okay, believe it or not,
I genuinely like this class.
We're determining the
respiration rate of yeast
using different sugars.
- Who are you and what
have you done with Whitney?
- Okay, don't diss me for
liking science, math nerd.
- Math is objectively
cooler than biochem.
Ask anyone, calculated
variables are the shit.
- You wish.
- Wait, are you nerds,
and am I the cool roommate now?
No.
Oh.
- Oh, shit.
- You good? You're
eating your food
like you're mad at it.
- I just got a text from Dan.
He has a zit. Duty calls.
- How did it go in the car?
Did he agree to read your stuff?
- The moment didn't feel right,
so I haven't asked him yet.
I didn't want to bug him and
come off like a try-hard.
- Why not? That's, like, one
of your defining qualities.
- It's okay. I have a plan.
First of all, show
him I'm above nothing
and don't respect myself,
and then he'll hire me
to keep doing that.
- Again, that doesn't
sound like a good job.
- Okay.
Yes! That is match point!
In your face!
- I know we agreed that
I would lose to you,
but you don't have to
be so annoying about it.
- It needs to be impressive.
Do you think she saw?
- Mm-mm.
- Damn it!
Tatum hasn't looked
over here once.
I wonder if it's
my backhand form.
- I think it's that
she doesn't know
or care who you are.
- She is so indifferent.
It's so f*cking hot.
- Mm.
- Okay, they're
taking a water break.
This is our chance.
Come on. Be cool.
- Can I still peel my orange?
- Just...
- Hey, what's up, Kate?
- What are you
guys up to tonight?
Anything good?
- Um, I might go to
that Dan O'Connell show.
My roommate helped organize
it, so I kind of have an in.
Do you think, um, you might go?
It's Tatum, right?
- Yeah, no, I'm not really
into campus-sponsored events.
But that should be fun
for, like, gen pop.
- Oh, agree. Agree.
I hate campus-sponsored events.
Oh, my God. I was only going
so I could, like,
make fun of it.
Just own it
if that's what you're into.
All right, come on.
Let's get back to it.
- That was humiliating.
Not only did she reject me,
but she condemned my personhood.
- I'm really sorry. It
happens to everyone.
- No, not young,
beautiful blonde women
who have gone to the Met Gala.
- You're losing me
- Take my credit
card. Buy your jacket.
- Like, right now?
- It's your lucky day.
I brought fancy doughnuts,
coffee, and my big ol' brain
to help us destroy this lab.
- First of all, I hate
this kind of doughnut.
I don't need, like, a slice
of bacon on my doughnut.
And secondly, why are you
here? I told you not to come.
- Well, I don't just do
what you tell me to, bro.
- Look, I know your mom
is a senator or whatever,
so I'm trying to be respectful.
- This is your respectful?
- But this class
is important to me.
I wanna go to med
school and be a doctor.
I'm not some rich
soccer jock party girl
whose mom will bankroll
the rest of my life.
- You don't know me at all.
I've been working my ass off
in this class, and I
understand this lab.
Give me a chance
to prove that I...
Shit! f*ck.
- Well, I'll hand it to you.
You did destroy this lab.
- Kimberly! Wait up.
- Oh, hey.
- Uh, it's a latte.
I drew Elena Kagan on it
because I know you like her,
but then I tripped on
the way coming over here,
so now she looks
like Chris Farley.
I'm sorry if suggesting
the manager job
at Sips was insulting.
I just thought about who
I would want to be my boss
and it would obviously be you.
- Girl, I overreacted.
Honestly, I think I'd
be good at it too,
but the idea of
interviewing for it,
it scares me.
I've never been
good at interviews.
- You're not good
at interviewing?
I don't believe that.
You can be so charming
when you're not angry or hungry.
- Thank you, bitch. I agree.
I'm charming as shit.
It's an aura, but
for some reason,
when people with authority
ask me questions,
I just... I get so nervous.
- Oh, but everyone gets nervous.
It shouldn't stop you
from going after the job
if you want it. You know what?
Let's do a mock interview.
We can practice, and that way
you won't be nervous on the day.
- Okay.
But I have never
done role-playing
outside of a sexual context.
- I believe in you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Let's do this.
Again,
sorry you were cold.
They're gonna make
sure the temperature's
exactly at 75.
- Thank you. Yeah,
it's just the cold
is, like, hurting my bones.
- Hey, I just wanted to say,
you've been such an
inspiration to me.
I've been trying
to play it cool,
but I'm a huge comedy nerd,
and I hope to do cool
stuff like you one day.
- That's really sweet
to hear. You know,
I was like you in college.
- Really?
- Conan O'Brien did a show
at UPenn when I was there,
and I was so nervous to meet him
that my hand was
dripping with sweat.
- Well, that's me right
now, but it's my armpits.
Shouldn't have worn wool.
Hey, if you like comedy,
I actually have a question
you could be helpful with.
- Oh, my God, yes.
- So could you tell me,
like, any details about what's
going on at Essex these days?
- Ah, okay. Lemme think.
- Yeah.
- Um...
a sophomore got trampled in
the crowd at fajita night.
A bunch of students
are suing the school
from being scalded
by the showers.
- Okay. Well, maybe not those.
- Um, the girls softball team
got suspended for doing MDMA.
- Really?
High female athletes
tripping balls instead
of throwing them.
That's perfect. Thank you.
Hey, I love your show
and would k*ll to be
considered for an internship.
It would mean the world to me,
and I would do such a good job.
- You know what?
Send me your résumé.
I'm always setting
up new projects,
and we're always
looking for free labor.
- Oh, my God, thank you.
Of course.
- It's time to go on.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Here we go.
- Have a good show.
Yes! Yes!
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan O'Connell.
Hello! My goodness!
Holy cow!
Hello, Essex College!
My God.
A little amped up, aren't we?
Yeah!
Wow, have we been partying
with the girls softball team?
That's what I thought.
A student named Bela
helped me with that one.
Thank you, Bela.
So who's single?
- Okay, so I'll play
the interviewer.
- Thank you so much for
applying for the job.
What made you interested in it?
- Easy. The money
and the power, bitch.
- That might be too
honest, and I don't think
you should call the
interviewer "bitch."
- My authenticity
is my greatest gift.
- Let's start over.
How are your customer relations?
- Oh, so good.
And I'm not above
giving a butt squeeze
to a good tipper.
- That is problematic,
and I think illegal. Can
you take this seriously?
Kimberly,
this is impossible.
I can't be this
polite, professional
little miss perfect.
- You don't have to be perfect.
You just have to show
them the real Lila,
not the tough, outrageous Lila
who doesn't care
what people think.
The one who does care.
- I don't think I can do this.
- Yes, you can.
Now again, why do
you, Lila Flores,
wanna be the manager of Sips?
- I started working at Sips
because I needed the money.
- Mm-hmm.
- But then I actually
started liking it.
I like scheduling.
I like making oat milk lattes
and seeing how happy
it makes people.
Sips is my community,
and I want the chance to be
the leader of my community.
- That was so great.
- It was?
- Yes.
Yes, honey.
I'ma breathe and
body this thing.
- Oh, and just remember
the most important thing
I told you.
- Oh, I know, I know, I know.
Wear a bra. I got this.
- And he used my joke.
Well, not my joke exactly,
but my observation,
which he turned he turned into
a funny topical shout-out,
which is, like, a quarter
of a joke, I think.
- And he agreed to consider
you for an internship?
That's amazing.
- I know, right?
But right now, I need to
hurry up and get him a beer.
He specified that he
wanted it ice-cold.
- Oh, yeah. Cool. I got it.
Can I get a beer, please?
- No, that's okay. I...
- Let's go.
I'm dying to meet him.
- Nice to meet you guys.
- Want an icy cold beer?
Heard ya weirdly like 'em
like that.
- Thanks, man.
- Dan, this is Eric.
- I'm a huge fan, and
I'm the editor in chief
of "The Catullan."
- "The Catullan!" No shit?
About half my writing
staff's from "The Catullan."
You run the whole thing?
- Look, that's only a big deal
to, like, two dozen
people in the whole world,
so I'm really glad
you're one of 'em.
You know, people said
late-night variety
shows were dead,
but you're, like,
making 'em cool again.
- Thanks, man.
Yeah, it is so much work,
so that really means a lot.
You know, you guys
should really work
on your writers'
submission packets
for the show.
- Writers' packets?
- Yeah.
- Hypothetically, what
do you like to see
in a typical writer's packet?
- Well, ideally it would be
50 monologue jokes, 3
pages of segment ideas,
a handful of sketches, some
hard-hitting desk pieces,
and nothing I've
ever seen before.
- I'm gonna be
real with you, Dan.
I don't have any of that stuff,
but I'm gonna work really
hard tonight and make sure...
- Uh, Dan, I actually
have a packet
that meets the criteria,
and I would love
to have it be considered.
- Yeah, sure. You know, hey.
Gimme your phone.
Yeah, come on.
I'm gonna put my info in it.
I like your attitude.
Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Well, if you excuse
me, I'm gonna find
a bathroom in this frat house,
and I really hope a drunk
guy hugs me at the urinal.
All right, have fun.
- What the hell was that?
- What?
- You know how important
this was to me.
I've been Dan's sl*ve
for two days now.
I had to get him a Zyrtec
at 2:00 a.m. last night
because Vermont
makes him sneezy.
- Bela, in case you forgot,
being a comedy writer
is also my dream.
- Yeah.
But I clearly had dibs on him.
- Dibs? Are you serious?
This is my future too.
That doesn't change just
'cause we're dating.
I'm gonna do whatever
it takes, just like you.
- Great, so instead of
being here until 2:00 a.m.,
we'll be here until morning.
Now I'm stress eating
your crappy doughnuts.
Are you happy?
- Wait, you made a mistake.
- By not tricking
you into thinking
this lab was in a
different building?
Yeah, that was a mistake.
- No, in the lab.
I'm looking at your work,
and your penmanship is horrible,
by the way, but
your math is off.
We're measuring the rate of
CO2 as the yeast respires.
Yeast can metabolize
sugar in two ways,
but you didn't account
for aerobic and anaerobic.
- I probably just made an error
'cause you were distracting me.
- You did this
before I got here.
I guess I did.
- Mm, you did what?
- I made a mistake.
- I guess
it's a good thing I came,
otherwise you'd have ended up
doing the entire thing wrong.
You should be grateful I
spilled on your papers.
- Okay, you did one thing right.
Let's not get carried away.
But thank you for catching that.
Hmm.
Oh, my God, it's Tatum.
No, no, no. Do not look, okay?
I had a super
embarrassing run-in
with her earlier.
- Wait. That girl?
Earlier I talked to her
for, like, 20 minutes,
thinking it was you.
- Oh.
- Leighton, you
should go say hi.
- I can't. It was
brutal. All right?
My only move now is to avoid her
at all costs until I graduate.
- Sometimes you build
things up in your head,
and they're really
not as bad as...
Oh, my God, she hates us.
I didn't know it was
possible to bully someone
with just your eyes.
- Sorry.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
How was the comedy show?
- You know what? It was great.
There was nothing cool about it,
but I f*ckin' loved it.
It was fun to be around
other excited gen pop
all enjoying something together.
- Wow, okay.
- So you can be as judgmental
as you want, but I
promise you, babe,
there is no way you are
as judgmental as me.
- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.
And yeah, like, you
know, um, I used to have
those exact same Prada boots
until I realized that they
were way too many seasons old
to keep in my closet.
Damn.
Okay, I've never been
Prada shamed before.
- Mm.
- Here.
Put your number in my phone.
- There.
- 917, cool.
I'm from New York too.
I just texted you.
- New York, huh?
Brave thing to say when
you're a 516 number.
Long Island. How sad.
- Oh, my God,
him. It's Jackson.
- Wait, that's Jackson?
He looks like Thor's stand-in.
- Yeah, I know, but
it doesn't matter.
He saw me at my lowest point,
and now that's all he
associates me with.
I've been med-zoned,
which means...
- Yeah, yeah. I get it.
You need to practice
what you preach.
I thought no one
would ever see me
as management
material, but you did.
And just because no
one would ever see you
in a million,
billion years pulling
that luscious Midwestern
corn-fed m*therf*cker,
does not mean that he
might not be into it.
- Go get him.
- Oh, hey, champ. How
you feeling today?
- While I appreciate
your concern, I'm good.
Like, 100% healed.
I'm not fragile, not
Tiny Tim. I'm good.
It's almost as if
it never happened.
So you don't have to
ask me how I am anymore.
I'm ready for anything.
- Is that so?
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you looking at my arms?
- No, no. I mean, I
thought you had a stain
on your shirt, but you don't.
It's okay. I don't mind.
So I'm gonna head out.
- Yeah, sounds good.
Good night.
- Good night.
- I'm officially serving
corporate realness.
I got the job.
- Oh, my God!
- Ay, congratulations.
- I'm so happy the
interview went well.
- I still blurted
out a few awkward
and highly inappropriate things,
but I got the earnest shit
out first, so they ate it up.
Should we
honor your achievement
by ending our shift early...
- And playing a little
pong at the KJ house?
- Are you out of your
minds? Cutting out early
to d*ck around on
the company's dime?
Not on my watch.
Get back to work.
- We're just trying
to celebrate you.
- Yeah, but the thing is,
I work for the man now, b*tches.
And I found out I
get a big, old bonus
if I keep profits up.
Oh, I'm gonna like
this.
- Can't believe I miss Roger.
- How's your packet going?
I've never seen you pull
an all-nighter before.
I'm impressed, and
it was way easier
to sleep without
all your snoring.
- I don't know how to do any
of this shit.
It's so annoying.
The only reason Eric
even knows is because
of years of patriarchal access
to the old boys' network.
- Oh, my God, it
is way too early
for all this angry
feminist shit.
- I'm never gonna have
this submission in
before Eric, and his is gonna be
so much better.
- Hey, he's got
nothing on you, okay?
You make me laugh
every single day,
even when you don't mean to.
You're funny as hell.
- Thank you.
- I'm sure
that you've already
impressed Dan.
You just gotta take
every opportunity
to make him remember you.
- Hey. Whoa.
Oh, thank you.
You know, no one
should look that good
this early in the morning.
That's why I look like shit.
I have the car downstairs ready
to take you to the airport.
- Great. I'll grab my luggage.
- Go to bed.