Gosh, it's weird being back at work.
I forgot about all the office politics and the backstabbing.
Oh, no. Is somebody picking on you?
No, no. I'm doing it to other people.
I just... I forgot how much fun it was.
Oh.
Hey, Daddy's home.
BOTH: Hi, Daddy. Honey.
Hello, my doves. Hello, my angel.
Hello, leftovers.
Cheryl, tell me about your day.
But just the highlights, please.
Okay, you remember how I told you
Mrs. Reifschneider is retiring?
Guess who's in charge of her send-off party.
Cheryl, do you know what highlights are?
And who is this, uh, Mrs. Riffstinker? What's her name?
It's Reifschneider. Ruby's art teacher?
Her favorite?
You rear-ended her in the parking lot.
Oh, yeah. Ratstellar.
Oh.
Daddy, look what I made you in art class.
Will you put it on the fridge?
Yes. Just so happens I have business there.
I love art class.
I get to sit next to Bobby Simmons.
He wants to have a playdate.
Wow, that's pretty forward.
You know, my advice, get to know him over drinks.
You know, a little punch on the playground.
And when it's time to pay, don't reach for your purse.
But what purse?
You're gonna be good at this.
But don't lead him on either.
If you say you want him to call,
don't give him a fake number.
'Cause that's just cruel.
Cheryl, Cheryl, there's no room
to put this up on the refrigerator.
Can we get rid of some of this stuff?
No, I like having this stuff up here. It's special.
No, honey. This isn't special. The kids are special.
Maybe we should put them up on the refrigerator with magnets.
All right, fine.
Take this stuff and put it in the garage
in the box marked "Ruby, second grade."
And while you're at it, take down some of these word magnets of yours.
Oh, come on. I use them to write little love poems to you.
Oh, yeah, they are sweet, especially this one.
Too bad you couldn't find something to rhyme with "doable."
JIM: Oh, baby!
Oh, man.
Look at all this crap!
All right. "Baby clothes."
"Empty jars."
"Oprah transcripts."
"Ruby, second grade."
Here we go. Oh!
Oh! Oh, my God! What happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
Eleven years of crap that you won't throw out.
Oh, come on. How can you call this crap?
(GASPS) Oh!
The blarney stone Ruby made in kindergarten!
Honey, look!
(CHUCKLES) I'd hate to lose that.
We could never replace that.
I mean, we'd have to go outside
and dump a bunch of glitter on a rock!
Oh! Come on!
Oh, honey, look!
It's the TV from our first apartment!
Do you remember we used to watch it in the kitchen,
and I'd cut up vegetables, and you'd say,
"Oh, I can't wait to eat those."
Yeah. It's amazing what you'll eat to get a woman in bed.
Oh, honey.
I keep this because it reminds me of you.
Yeah, well, you know something else that would remind you of me?
The actual me!
Yeah, but that reminds me of a time I still thought I could change you.
Come on, Cheryl.
We've got to get rid of some of this stuff, honey.
I mean, you got stuff here from college,
from when we were first dating.
And what about all this kids' stuff?
Look at this stuff.
(GASPS) Oh!
Could you just die?
This is a clay map of Illinois.
I know.
It's not even to scale.
Well...
Cheryl, it's an object. It's an object.
Objects aren't memories. Memories are up here.
And in here.
Cheryl, please.
We've got to get rid of some of this stuff.
I mean, I can't even get the truck back in here.
So?
So?
I'm getting rid of some of this stuff.
No, no, no. Okay. Okay. Okay.
How about we compromise?
How about we get a storage space
and put all this stuff in there?
Why? So we can not look at this stuff somewhere else?
No, honey. So I know it's all there.
All right, we'll compromise and do it your way.
All right.
Hey, hello.
Hi. Welcome to Store-It-All,
formerly U-Store-It-All.
What happened to the "U"?
Well, there was a m*rder,
and we wanted to distance ourselves.
Can I help you?
Yes. I'm looking for a storage space.
Nothing fancy. It's got to be cheap.
All I want are four walls and a roof.
So your crap won't be needing a view then?
Right.
Our basic unit is $ a month.
$ a month?
Jim, let me.
Look, um, you're a very smart,
and I must say a very beautiful woman.
Yeah, I'll go out with you.
Okay, uh, slow down, honey. You're crowding me.
No, um...
(MOANS)
I'm just looking for a little break on the price.
Can't help you.
Come on, bucks a month?
That's like... That's like a hot dog a day.
So do you want the space or not?
I've got to go track down a smell on level .
No, no way. I'm not paying that much
to store a bunch of junk.
Well, then, perhaps Store-It-All,
formerly U-Store-It-All, is not your cup of tea.
Leave your number.
I expect a real dinner, no drive-thru, no coupons.
Of course, baby. You rollin' with the A-dog.
Whoo!
Slap some butter on the bread!
(GROANS)
I don't know why I told Cheryl that I would do this.
I'm just enabling her.
You know what? Screw it. There's a dumpster out back.
Let's throw all the crap out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. You can't do that to Cheryl.
I'm not doing it to... I'm doing it for her.
Don't you understand? If she were a smoker,
I'd throw out her cigarettes, right?
Jim, she used to be a smoker,
and you never threw out her cigarettes.
That's because it was never my damn business.
No, no. I don't know, Jim.
Hey, do you want a hot dog every day?
Because I could show you that world.
I can see it.
It's so beautiful.
Mommy, can I help with Mrs. Reifschneider's party?
Sure, honey. Why don't you help make one of these centerpieces?
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you put that over here?
Yeah, you know... Why don't you just watch Mommy?
Okay? Okay.
So, Gracie, dish.
How were drinks with Bobby Simmons?
He sucked the punch up his nose with a straw.
I like that.
You know, it's true.
Girls really do want to marry their daddies.
Yeah.
Hello, girls! GIRLS: Hi, Daddy.
Who wants to go outside and step on some ketchup packets?
BOTH: Yay!
What is with all the hot dogs lately?
Yeah. I've seen you guys eat one every day.
Well, you know, eating hot dogs
is the most American thing that you can do.
Every time I take a bite,
I feel like I'm waving the flag.
Let freedom ring.
JIM: Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, well, when your cholesterol gets to , sell.
Oh, honey, I'm gonna need to get into that storage space.
(CHOKES)
Why, honey? What is it that you need?
Well, I'm doing an exhibit of the kids' art
for Mrs. Reifschneider's retirement party.
And you said I'd never look at that stuff again.
That's the great thing about you, honey.
You remember every frickin' thing I say.
So give me the keys. I'm gonna go down there.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(LAUGHING) Let me do it.
Oh, honey, that's so sweet, but I want to go down
and pick out some of my favorites.
Oh, what about my favorites, Cheryl?
I mean, uh, you know, I like our children, too, and I like their artwork.
And even though you think I don't care,
I'm really gonna miss Miss Redhouser.
Reifschneider.
Reif... Yeah.
Honey, you know what?
If you feel that strongly about it,
I think it's a great idea.
Well, I also feel that strongly about you and another woman...
No, Jim.
Come on, Andy.
Okay. We're gonna get it.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, man. You are as the French say, so le screwed.
Look, all we got to do is go back to that dumpster
and hope everything's still there.
What? No way!
Hey, I have a date with that storage woman.
What if she sees me crawling around a dumpster?
I think I've established that the A-dog does not roll that way.
What a mess!
I don't know if I've said it for a while, but this sucks!
You suck!
Stop it! Stop it! Just look!
Will you just look?
What are you doing, Andy? What?
What are you doing? That's a banana in a garbage can!
It's closed up. It's perfectly fine.
Mmm. Give me some of that.
This is pretty good. It's fresh, too.
Wonder why they threw it out.
Oh, oh, oh! What? What? You find something?
Did Ruby ever do a nice pencil-line drawing of Alan Greenspan?
No. Oh.
Then it's just The Wall Street Journal.
You know what? This sucks!
If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even get out of your house.
Oh, really? Yeah, really.
Really? Yeah!
Oh, well, then let me thank you. Here.
Here, Jim. Here's a gift.
How about a nice biohazard container?
Oh, Andy!
For crying out loud, just keep looking, will you?
All right. (SIREN WAILING)
It's here. I know it. We threw it in here.
We've been looking forever, Jim. Give it up!
Nothing's here! Come on!
(CRACKING)
What's that? What? I don't know. I'm looking.
Right there. Look. That's Ruby's stuffed animal right there.
Let me reach.
It's moving! It's moving! (SCREAMING)
Get away! Get away! Get off me!
Get away from me!
(REVERSE SIGNAL BEEPING)
Please. Please tell me that's your cell phone.
Hey! Hey, no, no!
Wait! Right here!
Oh!
(BOTH SHOUTING)
No!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
All right, we got extra glue, glitter, construction paper.
Yep. (LAUGHING)
The soundtrack to Top g*n.
What's that for?
Hey, Jim, cents.
Do you feel the need for speed?
Yes, I do, we got to speed this up.
Cheryl's gonna be back in an hour from her meeting.
Let's go. Let's finish this.
How much of this stuff of Ruby's do we have to duplicate?
Just enough to put one over on Cheryl.
You know the drill. Sure, sure.
Throughout this, I want to be called Maverick.
Okay, Maverick.
So, okay.
So what do you want me to do? Where should I start?
Well, I'm gonna do some cotton ball clouds,
and why don't you draw something like a...
Oh, I know what Ruby does all the time.
Family. Do a family portrait.
I'm on it.
What if Cheryl doesn't buy this, though?
Oh, come on.
She never looks at this stuff.
She wouldn't know the difference between this and Vincent van Goat.
Don't you mean Vincent van Gogh?
No, van Goat.
The goat at the state fair who paints with his beard.
Yet another reason our state fair
blows Wisconsin out of the water.
That's right, Maverick.
(LAUGHING) All right, a little here, a little there.
Okay. What do you think?
Andy, I think that's perfect.
If Ruby was a courtroom artist! Come on!
This stuff has got to look like a kid did it.
It's got to look bad.
Well, Jim, I'm not eight years old anymore.
I got too much talent.
Would it help if I gave you a wedgie?
It might. Let's give it a try.
(SCREAMING) Okay. That's it.
That's good. It's working. Call me a sissy.
Sissy!
Tacky.
Derivative.
Cats have tails in my world.
You told me we were going
to some fancy art opening.
Two, three, ten more lies like this, and we're through!
Come on, if I took you to a real opening,
some trendy artist would steal you away from me.
Hmm. You got that right.
I'm gonna go get us some punch and cookies.
I have a feeling we're going to need our energy later.
Oh, right. Thirsty.
Suggested donations are a dollar.
There you go. Thank you.
You don't work here, do you?
No.
Hey...
Hey, Gracie. So, Bobby Simmons here?
Yeah, that's him with his mom and dad.
Oh, Gracie, you don't want to date a guy
who still lives with his parents. Come on.
Hey, is it working? Are we fooling them with the artwork?
Yeah, I heard someone pass by and say
this was fourth grade-level work.
Hey, guys.
Mrs. Reifschneider, this is my brother Andy...
Hello. And you know Jim.
Hi, Mrs. Reifschneider.
Oh, for God's sake, Jim, it's...
That's right.
Thank you.
Well, thank you, Cheryl, for this lovely party.
And I must tell you that Ruby's work really stands out.
Oh!
Well, thank you.
Yes, uh, you're too kind.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
What do you think of the rainbow here? Pretty slick, huh?
Well, it's wonderful.
Yeah, well, I much prefer the dog under the tree.
I think it's far superior to some average rainbow.
Yeah, well, look at the clouds, though. Look at that.
They look really real.
That's very hard to do.
You're a hack. Shut up!
What difference does it make? It's all Ruby's work.
She wishes.
Well, Mrs. Reifschneider,
we are going to miss you so much.
Oh, aren't you sweet?
But I'm not going to miss this snake pit.
What a bunch of backstabbing S-O-Bs.
Oh!
Isn't that precious?
Yeah, precious, isn't it?
Yeah, aren't you glad I didn't let you
get rid of all these beautiful memories?
(LAUGHS) Come on, Cheryl.
I mean, if Ruby's name wasn't on this,
nobody would know it was hers.
Oh, please. A mother knows.
Right here.
A mother knows? Yes.
Really? Really.
Well, then I wonder if Mommy has a clear memory
of when Ruby did this little horse.
Of course I do. Kindergarten.
Oh. Well, how about this tree?
Ah, that tree.
It was spring, and Ruby went out
and drew the tree in the backyard.
Oh, Cheryl.
You have some kind of memory.
I know. That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Each one of these is a memory for me.
And, Jim, if you paid a little more attention,
they'd be memories for you, too.
Honestly, I feel a little sorry for you.
You feel sorry for me?
I do.
You know what? Honestly, I feel a little sorry for you.
Why? Because you think all this stuff
is your daughter's precious artwork.
You know what?
Andy and I threw this together last night! Ha!
What? Yeah.
I didn't rent that storage space.
We just threw it all out.
You didn't! Yes!
And we did all this by ourselves,
and you couldn't tell the difference.
You are unbelievable!
You threw Ruby's stuff away without asking me?
Threw it all away. Absolutely. Every bit.
There's not one popsicle stick,
not one painted piece of macaroni.
You threw out my artwork? (CHERYL GASPS)
Ruby...
So, uh, you want to see a movie later?
Is it playing at your place?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, baby.
As long as it's not Gone in Seconds.
Oh, honey...
I am so sorry that Daddy did that.
Mommy didn't know anything about it, baby.
I am just as sad and upset as I know you are.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, my turn, my turn.
Come on, come on, come on.
Hey, Ruby toons.
Why'd you throw it out? Did you hate it?
No, Ruby, I don't hate your artwork.
Actually, I love your artwork.
There was so much good stuff, we couldn't keep it all.
I did make some good stuff, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
And it is so sad that it's all gone.
You know what? It is sad that it's all gone.
But the good news is is you can paint some more.
That's true.
Yeah, and you can paint really good stuff.
Hey, cool! Yeah!
Way to go, Jim.
She's devastated.
Cheryl, please.
The only person that's upset about this is you.
Ruby's not upset.
No one else can tell the difference.
I am upset for the kids.
How do you think they'd feel
if they saw their artwork in the garbage?
Cheryl, that's why I threw it away across town.
I mean, if they're in that neighborhood,
believe me, they're not trying to score on their old artwork.
(GASPS)
My baby's artwork is hanging up in a crack house?
Oh, good, I'm so glad you took it that way.
I was so afraid you were going to be overdramatic!
Oh! Jim, you don't get it.
Ruby made that blarney stone when she was five.
Now she's eight. She will never be five again.
You're right.
Or six. Or seven...
Oh, God, don't say that!
All right, you're right.
We have to preserve every moment!
Jim! I feel like I'm losing something.
Oh. Come on.
Well.
Look, Cheryl,
you don't have to hold on to all their artwork.
You don't.
Holding on to it is not going to keep them from growing up.
Oh, I know. They're going to grow up.
You've got to make room for some new memories.
Well, I am not throwing everything away, Jim.
I mean, some of that stuff really is special.
(SIGHS)
Well, then I'll tell you what.
If it's special, then let's treat it that way.
How about this? Once a year,
we pick a couple pieces,
and we hang them up in the hallway upstairs.
Okay. You like that?
Yeah. (CHUCKLING)
We could frame them. Uh-huh.
And you could do some fancy lighting.
And you could fix the hinge in the garage door.
Where did that come from?
Well, I've been asking you to do it for months.
I thought I'd just slip it in.
(LAUGHS)
Honey, if I fix the hinge, then I might forget
about the wobble on the garage door.
I want everything to remind me of that, and I'm gonna flip out!
Nice try! Fix it.
(CHUCKLING)
All right. Come on, let's go back in there.
'Cause now that you know I did that artwork,
I want your honest opinion
if mine's better than Andy's.
Yeah, you know, I did have my suspicions, though, honey,
'cause that hand turkey looked a little meaty to be Ruby's.
(LAUGHING)