Mommy, can we wake Daddy up?
No, honey, it's Sunday.
You know what Daddy says about waking him early on Sunday morning.
He'll call the TV people
and have them take cartoons off the air forever and ever.
Yeah. He'll do it, too.
He did it to Mommy with Sex and the City.
But we want daddy to play Talent Show.
CHERYL: Oh.
GRACIE: Yeah.
We can sing and dance and wear our sparkle dream headbands.
Aw, I'm sorry, girls,
but Daddy promised Mommy he'd play clean the gutters today.
Huh?
That's been Mommy's sparkle dream for about six months now.
RUBY: But we want to play Talent Show now.
I'm going to do his nails and his hair.
GRACIE: And I'm going to put lipstick on him.
RUBY: And he's going to like my song more.
GRACIE: Nuh-uh. My song.
(GIRLS SINGING)
CHERYL: Okay, okay, I can't take it anymore!
Okay, wake your father.
GIRLS: Yay!
Phew.
Hey, Jimmy. (GASPS)
Roxanne.
What the hell are you doing here?
Hey, is that any way to greet your sister?
Hey, if that's a mouse, you better feed it some cheese.
Roxanne, I thought I told you
I never wanted to see your face again.
What crawled up your butt?
Are you still mad at me for marrying Andy?
No, I'm mad at you for dumping him the next day.
Aw, come on. I had a bad year.
So did Martha Stewart,
I don't see you ragging on her.
Come on, Jimmy. Give me a break.
No, I've given you tons of breaks. No.
Go. Just get out. Leave me alone.
Aw, fine.
(SIGHS)
(STAMMERING) What... What's that?
It's a baby in my stomach.
(MUMBLING) But...
You're pregnant?
Oh, you're quick.
Took me two weeks of throwing up to figure that one out.
All right.
The baby can come in.
RUBY: Daddy, where are you?
Let's go in through the garage.
JIM: Oh, baby!
Cheryl, Cheryl, what are you doing?
Those are the good cookies.
She's pregnant. She's not dying.
Here you go, Roxanne, a nice hot cup of tea.
It's decaf.
I know you have to be careful in your condition.
Oh, I sure do.
Hey, you got any bourbon?
No, I'm kidding. Oh!
I gave up the booze, the smokes, and off-roading.
Now this kid better be freaking cute.
Okay, Roxanne. Come on, let's cut to it.
Where's your boyfriend? Where's Rick?
Jim, that's none of our business.
No, it's okay. We split up a while ago.
No kidding.
Gee, if you two kids couldn't make it,
there's no hope for anybody in this roller-coaster world.
What do you want? What are you doing here?
Jim. No, Cheryl. What do you want?
Aw, jeez, Jimmy,
can't a girl show up on her brother's doorstep
broke, knocked up, and alone,
and not be after something?
I need a place to stay.
Okay, now it begins.
"I need a place to stay,"
the good cookies...
Cheryl, you want to get the money sock?
We're giving it all away tonight.
Honey, can I talk to you in the other room?
No, I'm not going in the other room with you.
To talk. So you can appeal to my emotions.
No way. I'm smarter than that.
I'm in the mood for a quickie.
I know you're lying.
Am I?
I can't be % sure. Come on.
Oh, yes, the couch, the couch. Good idea.
We got to let her stay.
I knew it!
Look, honey, we can put her in Kyle's room,
and then Kyle can stay in our room. It'll be fine.
No. No. No way. She is not staying here.
And what about Andy? What if Andy sees Roxanne?
It's going to just k*ll him.
I know. It's going to be hard on him,
but we just have to let him know easy.
ANDY: Oh, my God, no!
I can't believe this.
You made French toast and didn't call me.
We had an agreement.
(STAMMERING) Andy, sit down.
I need to tell you something.
Ooh, man. I hope labor's that easy.
Hey.
Andy.
Hi, Roxanne.
Whoa, look at you.
Yeah.
Yeah, a little pregnant, huh?
That was my first thought, yeah.
Yeah. And it's yours, honey.
Okay, that wasn't my second.
All right, Andy's helping Roxanne unpack.
How are we doing on that air mattress?
Just a couple more minutes.
Ruby's getting a second wind.
Oh.
Daddy, I'm dizzy.
All right, you tag out. Gracie, you're up.
Jim.
What? I'm stewing.
You want me to stew and blow up the air mattress?
That puts a lot of strain on a man's heart.
Don't you want your children to have a father around?
Do you hate your children, Cheryl?
Yeah, Jim, I hate our children.
(BOTH GASP)
Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, my girls.
Oh, I love you. Mmm, I love you.
In fact, why don't you girls go get ice cream
while Daddy blows up the air mattress?
Fine.
Hey, what's going on?
Well, uh, Roxanne's here.
She's pregnant, and it's Andy's baby.
Oh, yeah?
Wait till you hear about my day.
I went to the coffee shop,
and you know those maple scones they're always out of?
They had them. I ate six!
Dana, Dana, focus.
Roxanne is here, and she's pregnant with Andy's baby.
What? Yes.
Oh, my God.
Andy a father?
Roxanne a mother?
I ate six maple scones?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Dana, Dana, you're hyperventilating.
Here, blow into this. Here.
I hate my life. I'm alone and bloated.
Dana, this is not about you.
This is about your brother.
He's upstairs, and he is freaked out.
(SCATTING)
Hey, Cheryl, you got an old breast pump laying around?
What?
Ah, I'll buy a new one.
(GASPS) Dana!
I'm going to be a dad.
Anything new with you? No, right?
Come here.
Wait, wait a minute.
You and Roxanne broke up a year ago.
This can't be your baby.
She's right.
Well, well, well. So the baby isn't my niece or nephew.
No. No, honey, no. It's still your sister's kid.
Be that as it may,
I am not going to let Roxanne take advantage of us or that sap.
Come on, Andy. Let's go talk to her.
Uh, yeah, wait, Jim, um...
What if, say, roughly nine months ago,
I went to Vegas to, you know,
get the marriage annulled with Roxanne,
and, oh, I don't know,
let's say there was a hot tub place
next to the courthouse...
Andy, Andy, Andy.
I don't believe you.
After what she did to you, how could you even look at her?
Hey, don't preach to me.
Preach to my fiery Latin libido.
What?
You're not Latin.
Parts of me are.
Andy, come on. Wake up here, all right?
Roxanne is a user.
She's going to split and leave you with the baby.
Are you ready to be a single dad?
Just now, upstairs,
I felt Roxanne's stomach,
and the baby kicked.
My baby.
You guys, man, it made me so...
Happy.
So yeah, Jim, I'm ready to be a dad.
I even know the first present
I'm going to give the baby, my stuffed elephant.
Lord Tuskington?
Who?
Oh, he got it when he was a baby.
He and Tusky were inseparable.
They even had a wedding once.
What?
It was a friendship ceremony.
(LAUGHING) You gave him a ring.
Oh, yeah? Well, you used to kiss Michael Landon through the TV screen. Snap.
So did you. Snap.
His hair was confusing.
So they pull it out, and it's all covered in slime...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?
Hey, girls. Hi, Daddy.
Aunt Roxanne's telling us about having babies.
Don't worry. I kept it G-rated.
Daddy, what's episiotomy?
Oh, episiotomy, that's, uh...
That's one of SpongeBob's friends.
Hey, girls,
you want to go upstairs and find the pony I hid in your room?
Yay!
You know, you could just tell us to leave.
Did I say pony?
I meant dollar.
Yay!
You know, they grow up a lot slower than you think.
So, Roxanne, what's the plan?
I don't know.
Some peanut butter, maybe a little jelly.
Uh-huh.
Tell me if this sounds right.
You have the baby, you move in with Andy,
you get him all emotionally attached,
you leave, and he becomes Mr. Mom.
Why would I leave?
Because that's what you do, Roxanne.
Kids like ice cream, dogs lick themselves,
and you let people down.
Oh. No, not this time.
Andy is a great guy.
Yes, he is.
He's sweet, he's loving and successful.
Why do you think I picked him?
Whoa, picked him?
What do you mean by that?
Are you telling me that Andy's not the father?
Of course he is.
Oh.
I mean, you know, there's always that tiny percentage,
you know, where a gal can never be sure.
Yes, they can, Roxanne.
Oh.
Are you absolutely sure you're the father of your kids?
Yes, I am.
Who is it?
It's Rick, right?
He's the father. Rick, right?
Or Andy.
ANDY: Okay.
(LAUGHS) Got a couple slabs of ribs,
some mint chocolate chip ice cream,
and a watermelon.
Andy, you won't have to take care
of Roxanne's cravings anymore.
Roxanne, you have cravings? Want some of my dinner?
No, Roxanne just told me
that Rick might be the father.
Oh, come on, Jimmy. I didn't say that.
Yes, you did. You said that Andy
wasn't the only one you were with.
Well, I meant ever.
Andy knows I'm no angel.
Doesn't mean she's never been to heaven. Wink.
(LAUGHING) Fresh.
Andy, Andy. Hey, what?
(MUMBLES) But... No bu-bu-bu.
No, Andy... Bu-bu-bu!
First of all, you don't bu-bu me.
I bu-bu-bu you.
Well, you won't let it go, Jim. Come on.
For God's sake, give her a break.
Your sister says I'm the father of the baby,
I'm the father of the baby.
Nothing you can say is going to change that.
Come on, Roxanne. I'll get your stuff.
You stay with me tonight.
You know what? The ice cream's going to melt.
I'll get your stuff later. Good day, sir.
So three quick inhales followed by a deep, cleansing exhale.
Three inhales, one exhale.
Can't we just skip to the part where they give you the dr*gs and the baby sh**t out?
Andy.
Oh, great. What are you doing here?
Look, there was no other way to do this.
You wouldn't listen to me.
Roxanne, you want to introduce them?
Rick.
Hey, Roxy.
Oh, okay, you're the famous Rick,
as in the "I love Rick" tattoo on her left butt cheek.
Yeah, I did that myself, yeah.
Yeah, well, he told me it was going to be a unicorn.
How could you do this? I told you to stay out of it.
I'm just trying to look out for you.
Did I ask you to look out for me?
Did I say, "Hey, Jim, look out for me,
"because I can't look out for myself. I'm an idiot"?
I thought that was implied.
Roxy, why didn't you tell me you were knocked up?
Would you have cared?
Please, I'm a sensitive man.
Your melons are huge, by the way.
Rick, why don't you do us all a favor
and get the hell out of here?
I'm not going anywhere.
Well, you're also not lying on the floor bleeding, either,
but things can change.
Come on, Jimmy, do something.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, easy, guys, easy.
(LAUGHS) Come on, calm down here.
Care to step outside?
Oh, I don't know. It's kind of chilly.
That's 'cause there's a storm coming.
Oh, really? I heard Friday.
Andy, he's talking about kicking your ass.
Oh. Well, either way,
it's going to rain Friday.
Come on, bring it on. Easy now.
Listen, you don't want to do that here.
Oh! Ooh! Aah! I'm having a contraction!
(GASPS) I think the baby's coming.
We've got to do something. Where's the lady?
Here, let's check the tape.
ANDY ON TAPE: Notes for a novel,
Andrew Slate, the rugged blond architect,
heaved his muscular frame and...
Damn it!
All right, all right. Just calm down. Relax. Everybody relax.
I'm a dad. I've done this a couple times before.
You two together?
Good for you.
All right, all right, Roxanne, did your water bag break?
Oh, not yet.
I think mine just did.
Hey, I have a good name.
If it's a girl, Priscilla.
Eh.
Hey, okay, okay.
How about Jasmine? That's a good name.
Yeah, for a hooker.
All right, you come up with a name.
How about Little Miss I-Should-Be-The-One- Having-A-Baby?
Or Jessica. Yeah.
Jessica's a good name. Yeah.
Here. Boy, this really reminds me of when Ruby was born.
And you panicked and took me to the animal hospital?
She came out just fine.
I gave birth next to a dog. I still have nightmares.
(BARKS) Oh!
Roxanne's out of delivery.
Mother and son are doing fine.
It's a boy.
BOTH: Trevor.
I'm the father. Lead the way.
No, I'm the father.
Oh, you still want to go? Because I'll go.
Okay, okay, okay, easy, easy, guys.
We're in a hospital.
Actually, she just wants to see her brother right now.
Me?
Cheryl, why does she want to see me?
I don't even like her that much.
Why don't you talk to her? You like her. She likes you.
Come on.
Honey, I know you guys don't get along,
but, Jim,
she's holding your nephew in there,
(SIGHS)
and she's scared,
and you're the only family she's got.
Go on.
Why do you always have to see the good in people?
Oh. I married you.
Everyone else is a piece of cake.
Hey.
Hey.
How you doing?
I feel like I just peed out a steamer trunk.
How do you think I'm doing?
You got a little baby there, huh?
Let me see.
Jimmy, wait.
No, no, no, let me see.
Holy crap.
That baby doesn't look like Andy or Rick.
This baby's Chinese!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Funny story.
Last summer, I had these headaches,
and I went to see this acupuncturist,
and he had an office right next to a hot tub place...
Okay, okay, I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it.
Roxanne, what are you going to do?
I mean, you got Rick and Andy waiting out there.
Right.
Yeah, which one do I choose?
Choose?
Yeah, Andy, he's sweet, and he has a really nice house,
but Rick's got a bitching hog.
Roxanne, neither one of them is the father.
Wake up. Will you wake up?
You've got to grow up, honey.
You're a mother, now. Look at you.
You're not even holding the baby right.
Let me show you. Let me show you how to hold a...
You've got to support their neck.
It's the most vulnerable part of babies
when they're little small things like this.
See that?
(LAUGHING)
Look at you, yeah.
My little nephew. Happy birthday.
He's beautiful, isn't he?
Yeah.
He's got my chin.
Chin.
You know, that would be a really good name for him.
Look at this boy.
Will you look at this boy?
You know, Roxanne,
he's going to need you to show him how to live his life.
Now, you're the teacher,
And what, are you going to teach him that it's okay
to screw over people that love you?
Well...
Look, this is your shot, Roxanne.
This is your shot.
And the amazing thing about these little babies
is they give you the chance to start over.
Knock, knock. Can we come in?
Who's he look like? Who's he look like?
About a fifth of the world's population.
Whoa.
What happened?
He's Chinese, you idiot.
He's all yours, slim.
Well, looks like you're off the hook, too.
What if I don't want to be off the hook?
What are you talking about?
This baby still needs a father, Roxanne,
someone to love him, put a roof over his head.
I can provide those things.
I mean, isn't that why you came looking for me?
Yeah.
Yeah, but I've been thinking...
What? Well...
I think it would be nice if he meets his real father.
Chin deserves that.
Chin?
Well, yeah, just trying it out.
Okay.
Well, if it doesn't work out, or if you want to jump in the old jacuz,
you got my number.
Aw, Andy, you're so sweet.
(SIGHS)
Can I call collect? Is that cool?
Yeah.
Um, uh, here.
This is for the baby.
I'm going to go get Cheryl and Dana.
Oh, he would have been a really good dad.
He will be, someday.
So...
What if we go back
and see the acupuncturist,
and he doesn't want to have anything to do with us?
Well...
You got my number.
Hey, look.
He gave me an elephant.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah. That's Lord Tuskington.
That was Andy's first stuffed animal, and spouse.
Might want to wash it before you give it to the kid.