Hey. Hey.
What are you doing?
I came to see Cheryl.
Well, you gonna come in?
Nah, I'm justnot in the moodfor you this morning.
I'd rather waittill you're gone.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm running a little late.
It's gonna belike an hour or something.
I'm cool. Okay.
Have a good one.
You, too.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby.
(YAWNS)I am just exhausted.
My stupid neighbor's dogstarted barking
at : this morning.
Can you imagine? :.
Yeah, let's see.
By :, I haveeverybody up and dressed.
I've made their lunches
and cleaned somebody's vomitoff of something.
And I had to lie therefor a whole hour
before I couldgo back to sleep.
And that's how a male seahorsefertilizes its eggs.
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey, how are you? Good.
Hey, hey, did you seethat the Millers
across the streetare selling their house?
CHERYL: What? The Millers?
Wait, refresh my memory.Did they hate you?
No, but to be fair,they never really knew me.
Oh.
I love that house.
I would k*ll to havethat kitchen.
Can you imagine havinggranite countertops
and vaulted ceilingswith skylights?
Oh, come on.That house isn'tthat great.
I mean, probably no oneever uses
that screening roomthey have.
I'd never leave the houseif I had that.
Or a woman.
Do you know theirmaster bedroomhas a fireplace,
and their bathtub is a spa?
Ah, it is perfect.
Oh, come on, perfect.
Do they have a wine cellarlike we do?
A case of beerunder the ping-pong table
is not a wine cellar.
I'm talking aboutthe cool room (DOORBELL RINGING)
in the cornerof the basement.
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!Anybody t'home?
Is that...
Oh, my God, I hope not.Check, Andy, check!
(GASPS)
It's Timand Cindy Devlin!
In the kitchen!
(GRUNTS)
I twisted my ankle.It's too late for me.
Save yourselves!
Oh, what are theydoing here?
I thought we got ridof them for good!
Yeah, I know,but then I ran into Cindy
at the market this morning,
and she kind of saidit would be greatto get together.
And you said?
I said "No."
In my head.
(GROANS)
Although out loudI may have said"That'd be great."
What?
You were nice to her?
Well, excuse mefor being polite.
That's howI was brought up.
Oh, give me a break.We had the same parents,and I'm rude as hell.
Oh, come on.
You know, in the movies,
when the guy sayssave yourself,
there's usually a littleback-and-forth.
CINDY: They've gotto be in there.
Jim's trunk is still warm.
Hit the floor!
Oh, my God,they've passed out.
It must be a gas leak!
Play dead! Play dead!
Ah! We needsome more ventilation!
Tim, quick,break some more windows!
Yeah. God, grant mestrength!
No!Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa,wait, wait, wait!
Don't breakany more windows!
What are you doingon the floor?
Found it!
Found my contact lens.
Thank you, everyone,for helping me look.
Oh, that's great. They'reso expensive, you know.
So, Tim, Cindy,how's everything?
Well, Tim, tell them howthe hot tub business is doing.
It's bubbling over!
Oh, boy! I think I justpeed a little.
So, Jim, how'sthe construction business?
Oh, um, you know,building.
(LAUGHING)
That's good.
It's not pee good,but it's good.
So, Andy, look at you.
Have you lost weight?No, right?
You know the storyabout the hiker
who cut off his own armin order to escape?
I get it now.
Okay, enough witty banter.Let's get down to beeswax.
We have some big,important news.
Honey, let me tell them.
No, I want to tell them. No, me. Me.
No, me!
(STAMMERING) Why don't you twojust tell each other
in the caron the way home?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, pass thesunscreen, honey.We're getting burned.
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
On our way over hereto see our best friends,
we found ourdream house.
We're putting an offeron the houseacross the street!
BOTH: No.
Yes! Isn't that great?We could be neighbors.
Imagine just being ableto cross the street to chat
or watch our stories,borrow a cup of sugar.
Uh-oh. Did I just hearsomeone say
they needed some sugar?
Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.Three bags full!
(EXCLAIMING)
Wow.
And all because Cherylran into them at the market.
Isn't life funny?
I think I justpeed a little.
Okay, Andy,in seconds exactly,we're going to begin
OperationScare the HellOut of The Devlins
So They Don't LiveAcross the Street!
Everyone, circumciseyour watches.
Synchronize.
Will you pleasenot get in the way
of my tactical planning?
Andy, you got a brickto throw through the window?
I couldn't find a brick,but I got somethingeven better.
Good.
Oh, for the record, I stillthink my plan was best.
I am not getting upat : in the morning
to make crop circles.
All right, let's go.
Yeah, and take it upa little higher.
Yeah.
Oh, there's those earsagain.
Oh.
It's like a car comingat me with the doorswide open.
Would the brakesbe working in that car?
Hey, we're back.
Oh. Hey, Cheryl,
I've been studyingfeng shui,
and you and Jimwouldn't fight as much
if you got ridof that big awful TV.
You want to bet?
Yeah, we're not reallyfeng shui people.
Oh.
"I'm a narrow-mindedwesterner.
"I don't believein something
"that's been aroundfor thousands of years."
Yeah. "Whoops, my mindwas open a crack.
"Better shut it."
(JIM AND CINDY LAUGHING)
Speaking of crack,um...
You know,this neighborhood's got
a little bitof a crime problem.
TIM: What?
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God,it's g*ng activity!
Gangs?
Look, an omelet pan.
Well, that's not justany omelet pan.
This is the calling cardfor the Maple Street g*ng.
That is so scary.
And it might besomeone's wedding present.
Well, I guess it'sbetter that you know
about this neighborhood'sugly secret
before you put an offeron that houseacross the street.
Oh, those ruffiansdon't scare us.
No, the Timinatorunderstands thegang mentality.
He played Riffin West Side Story.
Pow, pow!
Wow, so you still wantto put an offer inon that house?
Oh, absolutely.
As long as you twoare here,
it's stilla desirable neighborhood.
What do you thinkof crop circles?
They scare you at all?
Jim! Yes?
Look what theydid to me!
This is the workof the Maple Street g*ng.
(GASPS)
And they spray-paintedtheir name
on the Devlins' van.
We don't have a van.
We do.
And I'm surethey're very sorryabout it.
(DOOR OPENING)
Feel freeto look around,
but just knowthat I counted
every beerin that refrigerator.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Jim, what is going on?
Well, my dear,we're having an open house.
That's what you do when youput your house on the market.
What?
Just relax.
We're not reallyselling the house.
But if we get the Devlinsto think that we're moving,
then maybe they won't buythe house across the street.
But what if somebodymakes an offer?
Oh, it is so overpriced.Who's gonna pay that?
Whoa! Yeah.
Who's a sexy genius?
Russell Crowe,but that is a good plan.
Say it ain't so, Jim.You're moving?
Oh, I'm afraid so.
You know, I got a suddenjob opportunity
that I just couldn'tpass on.
Where? Alaska.
Right, Cheryl?
Uh, right. Yes.
Yes, we bought a,um, a cannery,
and we're turning itinto a B&B.
CINDY: Oh...
But without you,this neighborhood's
just a g*ng-infestedhellhole.
I know.Well, you know what?
We'll be sure to send youa postcardfrom a town in Alaska.
We better gowithdraw our offerbefore it's too late.
I needmy man-sweater first.
Hope it still fits.
It always fits.
One size fits Cindy.
Are we willing to carry backa second mortgage?
Yeah, you know,I got to go.
She has a little bitof troublewith compound interest.
Excuse me.
Well, uh, look,
I'm sorry about this,but, you know,
if you're ever upin Alaskan territory
passing through, be sure togive us a jingle, all right?
I just can't believewe're not goingto have you in our lives.
I know.
But we can havea part of them.
Oh, my God.
I knowwhat you're thinking.
We should buy this place!
Yes!
Yes! Every inchof this house
will remind us of you.
It's a deal-e-o!
No, no, no, no, no, no!You can't do that!
Why not?It's for sale.
(STAMMERING) I know,but nobodyin their right mind
would pay this price.
We would.
Well, then certainlyno one in their right mind
would pay $,more than that.
Or twenty...
Five?
Then lock us up,'cause we're nuts!
(LAUGHING)
Deal-e-o!
(SCREAMING)
Hey, Cheryl. Hi.
Just measuringthe windows.
I didn't wantto walk through the house.
You know, it's not my natureto be intrusive, right?
By the way, remind meto give you the numberof my waxing lady.
(SCREAMS)
Cindy, I didn't expectto see you here...
On a ladder...Outside my bedroom.
Your bedroom?
Well, yeah,I guess it isfor a few more days.
What are youtalking about?
Well, didn't Jim tell you?He sold us your house.
What?
Oh, I ruined the surprise,didn't I?
(GROANS)
Let's rewind seconds.
(IMITATES TAPE REWINDING)
I was never here.
(SCREAMING) Jim!
CINDY:He's in the kitchen!
Jim, what the helldid you do?
Ah, I mixed pickleswith peanut butter.
Yeah, but you know what?
If you want to havea breakthrough,
you got to take risks.
No!
I just talkedto Cindy Devlin.
She told me yousold them our house?
Oh, darn, Cheryl, I waswaiting for it to closeto surprise you.
Surprise mewith jewelry,
not by selling my house!
Oh, but, Cheryl,you don't knowhow much money we made.
I really soaked them.
Now we can buyany house we want.
I don't wantanother house!
Well, yes, you do.I heard you.
No, you said so.You want another house.
When?
Well, you're alwaysgoing to open houses
and talking aboutthe big new kitchens
and the walk-in closetsand the skylights.
You even wanted to moveinto the Millers'across the street.
Jim! You go on and on aboutrace cars and supermodels.
That doesn't meanyou actually want them!
Jim, I don't wantanother house.
I want this house,my house.
And I want a husbandwho asks mebefore he sells my house!
Hey!
You get memy house back!
"My house, my house."
Sure. Let's see youpay the mortgage
with the tipsthe kids give you
for making their lunch!
CHERYL: What?
Love you.
Andy, Andy, over here.More over here.
Come on, come on.
Look, we need excessivemoisture penetration
so we don't passthe inspection.
Jim, why don't youtell the Devlins
you don't wantto sell the house?
The deal's already closed,and by state law,
the only wayout of this thing
is by doing somethingsneaky and underhanded.
Come on, more, more.
I don't know, Jim.
I'd like to try onthe truth sometime,
see how it fits.
Yeah?
Well, if it fits anythinglike those pants do,
it's going to betight in the seat.
Oh, right, 'cause you'reAudrey Hepburn.
Excuse me, can I seethat for a second?
Just for a second.
Audrey Hepburn!Audrey Hepburn!Audrey Hepburn!
Jim!
(JIM YELLING)
Oh, Andy!
Oh, help, Andy!Give me a hand!
Oh, great, Jim!I ripped my pants!
I don't careabout your pants!
Get me off this thing!
(SCREAMING)
Well, everythinglooks great so far.
Where's the basement?
Under the house.
Hey, Mr. Inspector,someone needs to be cited
for a smilethat collapsed.
Can we justwrap this up? Yeah, okay.
Come on, Cheryl,let's take a last look
at all the memoriesyou're leaving behind.
Yeah, can we nothold hands all the time?
Oh!
Stay there.Stay there.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!What happened?
We can't find the valve.It's under the water.
I'll help you, buddy!
Uh, don't worry.
(JIM EXCLAIMING)
Turn it off!Turn it off!
Don't worry!There's a huge crackin the foundation!
This will all drain outin a couple days!
Whoa. Thank God.
Yeah. I got that peskyvalve closed.
Obviously, this houseis not up to code.
I'm sorry, Cheryl.
I'm sorry I couldn'tunload this money pit.
But you know what?It wouldn't feel right
to sell this placeto a friend.
Yeah. Yeah, I just hopethere's no hard feelings.
Oh, come on, guys.This is just a setback.
It's not a deal-breaker.
We'll get this placespiffy in a jiffy.
I kind of like havinga project I can tacklewith my pants off.
My God,they're likecockroaches.
You can't getrid of 'em.
All right. All right.Just stop it.
Stop everything here.
Look, we don't wantto sell our home.
We love our home.We never wanted to sell it.
The only reasonwe were doing this
was because we didn't wantyou anywhere near us!
You see,it doesn't haveanything to do with you.
It's us. It's us.
We don't like you!
(LAUGHING)
That was good!
Oh, boy, Al Pacinoover there really hadme going for a second.
Yeah. If you'rewilling to make up
a story like that,you must reallylove this house.
I'm just glad we're notlosing you to Alaska.
Come on, hugs?
Uh-uh, not till youput your pants back on.
And then, no.
Come on, Timberwolf,we have a house to buyacross the street!
Yeah! Whoo!
Well, I'd better goget some paper towels.
Oh... God, Cheryl.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, you happy?You got your house back.
Yes. Thank you.
I'm guessing this wasn'tthe original plan.
Yeah, it was,except for the water.
Come on.Come sit with meon my dock.
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God.
Oh... (LAUGHS)Look at you.
Oh...
Well, look,it's not your dream house,
but at least you gota couple thousand dollarsworth of water damage.
Yeah.
You know, Cheryl,I just wanted
to do the right thingby you, that's all.
Honey, when have you notdone the right thing by me?
You know, eventually?
I just thinkyou deserve better.
You do.
And, you know,I'd get youa castle if I could.
You know that. Hey, hey, hey!
This is my castle.
Now I even have a moat.
Yeah, but you don't havea walk-in closet
or a bigger kitchenor skylights. I have you,
and the kids.
And no backyardand creaky floorboards.
And memories.
Lots of great memories.
Jim, I walkthrough this house,
and I feel our familyand our life.
I love that.
That's what makes thisa home to me.
Yeah.
Me too.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS)
What are we going to dowith this basement?
Well, I thinkit's a perfect time
to play Swamp Thing.
Come on.
You be Heather Locklear,I'll be Swamp Thing.
Oh, I'mHeather Locklear?
Yeah, look out.
Oh... Oh...Oh, my God!
(GROWLING)
Where are youtaking me?
I'm taking youto my lair!
What are we goingto do there?
Well, we're gonna do it.
(LAUGHS)
In the lair! Oh!
So, everythingin the basementwas ruined?
Yeah.Some of the kids' toys,and Jim's tools.
Right hereon the insurance form,
I got one rarestamp collection,
one Picasso...
Oh!
Two Rolls-Royce's...
Greetings, all!
Got some housewarmingparty invites
for across the street.
Oh, great.
Now we have to buythese psychos a present?
Ugh!
The Devlinsdidn't buy the house.
What? Some eligiblebachelor did.
Yeah, has familyin the neighborhood.
Oh, my God, is he cute?
Gorgeous.
But he's outof your league.
Oh, and he'syour brother.
ALL: What?
It's me!
Oh, my God!
You bought the houseacross the street?
I outbid the Devlins!Hello, neighbor!
Oh, my God,that's so cool!
That is thebest news, man!Congrat...
I cannot believeyou people.
You knew how muchwe wanted that house!
And Andy just bought itright out from under us!
If I was anything lessthan a gentleman,
I'd whip you withinan inch of your life!
Come on,cat on a hot Tim roof,
let's go. With pleasure.
We never want to seeany of you again.
Ever!
Goodbye!
ALL: Yes!
You did it!You did it...
BOTH: Gotcha!
(LAUGHING)
Hey, Cindy, strap mein the chair!
I think I got a big one!
We could neverbe mad at you guys!
We love you!
BOTH: Oh!
We'll be friends forever.
Oh, boy.
What?
I think I just peeda little.