Here's the plane. Look at it.
(IMITATES JET ENGINE)
Okay, honey, I'll be back about :.
Oh, oh, honey, hold on one second.
Remember the other day when you came home
and Ruby had a new scrape on her knee?
Yes, and you claimed it didn't happen on your watch.
Right. I don't want that to happen again.
Girls, can you come in, please?
Stay right here. Right here.
So can we do a quick walk-around inspection
so there's no confusion?
Okay, we got a cut... Yep.
Okay. Scrape. Right.
Birthmark. Born with that.
Okay. Okay, we got a little rash here. Right.
Mosquito bite here. Uh-huh.
All right, girls, thank you.
Could you just sign here, please?
Okay.
And initial there.
Okay, honey, have fun.
Mmm-hmm. Thank you.
Okay, here we are.
(LOUD CRASHING)
GRACIE: Ow! My knee!
Gracie, let me see.
Left knee.
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: Oh, baby!
Oh, Tanya Bannon looks so beautiful
in that new necklace.
And trust me, her neck is not winning any prizes on its own.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Pulp.
Great. Now I got to floss.
So... So why did Mark get her the necklace? What was the occasion?
Oh, well, this is the best part. There was no occasion.
He just spontaneously bought it because he loves her.
Oh! Mark Bannon is so sweet. Mmm-hmm.
I should have married him when I had the chance.
(BELCHING) Too late!
Oh!
You know what?
I don't get why you girls go so crazy for jewelry.
I mean, you can't eat it, you can't drive it,
and if you really want something shiny,
you can get a nice fishing lure for under five bucks.
Well, I think it's special that Mark would do something like that
for his wife after years of marriage.
Special, huh? Yes!
Well, let me tell you something.
A guy only springs for fancy jewelry for two reasons.
One, to get the chick in the sack,
or two, because he's cheating.
Pop!
Pop?
Yeah, that's your bubble bursting.
Oh!
Nah, I never trusted that Mark Bannon,
with his parted hair and those slip-on shoes.
I'm telling you, this guy has got
something going on on the side.
Oh, will you stop?
Mark is not like that, and I'll tell you what.
You could learn something from him.
Yeah, you know, she's right.
Except for that hair-parting thing. That ship sailed.
Look, in a healthy marriage,
the kind that Dana will never experience,
I'm telling you, there's no reason
for this fancy gift giving.
I don't know.
A little thoughtfulness goes a long way.
I'm thoughtful! Oh...
I'm very thoughtful.
I just don't have to buy a bunch of gifts to prove it.
I mean, what's the point?
I mean, who am I trying to impress, you?
I mean...
Come on. You're not going to go anywhere.
What?
Well, I already got you. You're in place.
I mean, the only jewelry you need
is the one you got right there on your left hand, baby.
(LAUGHS) Oh, honey.
You know what? You're right. Mmm-hmm.
Eggs? Please.
Yeah.
Pepper?
Hola!
Hey.
What took you so long?
Oh, I got tied up at the Jolly Hat Rack.
What do you think?
The woman at the store said it was slimming.
Yeah, you'll lose weight after the beatings.
So, we ready to go in?
Oh, I don't know. This stuff looks so expensive.
Why couldn't Bannon have gotten his wife pregnant?
I could have done that for free.
Look, Cheryl's upset with you.
Just buy her the jewelry. Problem solved.
One and one makes two.
When it makes three, give me a call.
May I help you?
Yes, I'm here to look at some jewelry.
Earrings. Okay.
Is this for you, or your partner?
Lose the hat. Lose the hat!
It's for my wife.
She's at home.
She's a woman.
Whoa! Mermaid off the starboard bow.
All aboard the S.S. Andy.
What's the occasion?
Ah, it's not really an occasion. I...
I told her I didn't have to buy her jewelry
because she was already in place.
That's not so bad, is it?
Not if you're a jewelry salesman.
That's... That's really funny.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, this looks like something she might wear.
Perhaps you have this in a zirconium knock-off?
No? Okay. Wrap 'em.
Leave the price tag on there.
I want her to know how much I love her.
And then Johnny Civilis got hit with the dodge ball right in the intesticles.
What's intesticles?
That's the ribs, sweetie. It's the ribs.
He wasn't holding his ribs.
Okay, who wants pineapple upside-down cake?
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Actually, could you please sit down, Cheryl?
I need to say something.
I thought we agreed, cake, then gift.
That hat!
As you may be aware, I made a remark earlier today
that some could perceive as insensitive.
Oh.
Oh, Jim, it was our fault for listening to you.
So...
Though I'm not admitting to any guilt,
I would like to give you this spontaneous token
of my love...
Oh! ...which is deeper than the ocean.
I saw a show about a dolphin.
Great.
Which is wider than the sky...
Do birds like ice cream?
Not now, Ruby.
Which is wider than the sky...
Because I saw a cartoon where a bird ate pie.
Here. There. Take it. Just take it.
Open it up.
Jim. Yes.
Did you get me jewelry?
Well, let's just say that Mark Bannon's
not the only guy who loves his wife.
Oh, honey.
(GASPS)
Hmm? Oh!
Thank you, Jim. They're wonderful.
So, cake?
"Wonderful"?
That's what she says when she can't think
of anything good to say.
She says my drawings are wonderful.
Yeah. Time to grow up, princess.
You... You...
You hate the earrings, don't you?
No, honey, they're wonderful.
Wonderful? There's that word again.
All right, look,
I don't want to sound ungrateful,
but these are exactly like the earrings
I've been wearing every day for the past years.
See?
Well, how about that?
Yeah, but these new ones have sentimental value.
Yeah, well, the old ones were given to me
by my grandmother on her deathbed.
Who wants to remember that?
Would you stop it?
It's like you don't even see me.
Oh, come on. I see you.
No, no, I don't think so.
Sometimes it's like you don't know me at all.
Oh, come on. I know you.
I know you better than anybody.
Yeah? What was my major in college?
(SCOFFS) Biology.
Business administration.
Same thing.
Who's my favorite band?
Well, that's easy. One of those obscure bands.
Beatles. That's it.
What color are my eyes?
C.
Oh! Come on! I was joking.
It was a joke!
You don't know everything about me, either.
Try me.
All right, what's my favorite movie?
Ice Station Zebra, followed by A Fistful of Dollars
and Pootie Tang.
Fine. But that could apply to almost anybody.
You're afraid of spiders, you get a foot rash every summer,
your favorite song to dance to is Brick House,
your mother's middle name is Madeleine, you're allergic to MSG.
Oh, and you bite your lip when you know you've lost.
Fine. Enough of your parlor tricks.
(SIGHS)
That Bannon... What a kiss-ass!
He bought jewelry for his wife
just to make my life miserable.
Jim, it's not about buying jewelry.
It's about taking the time to notice me.
Jim, the girls are asking a lot of questions out there.
I need a carrot, two lemons, and a sock.
(PLAYING SOUR NOTES) , , , , , ,
, , , , ...
Hi!
Oh, hey!
Okay, girls, you can stop now. That was great!
Was it wonderful?
No, honey, I would never say that to you.
Yay! Yay!
So, Cheryl, you finally bought a garden gnome.
No, Jim got it for me because he knows I like them.
Wow. Yes.
It's been three days of nonstop attention to the details of me.
I should buy Mark Bannon flowers.
Well...
You better send it to one of those
creepy singles apartments by the airport.
Tanya kicked him out.
What?
Apparently, he's been having
an ongoing affair with his secretary.
Oh, no!
Oh, that's awful!
I know. Poor Tanya.
Not Tanya. Me!
That means Mark bought her the necklace because he was cheating.
Oh, so Jim was right.
Yeah.
When he finds out, it's going to be gloat-a-palooza around here.
Yeah. Oh, God. He's going to be the Gloatmaster General.
Oh, come on. I laughed at your thing.
Crap.
I guess I knew it had to end sometime.
Well, it doesn't have to. You don't have to tell him.
Oh, Dana! He's my husband.
I wouldn't feel right doing that.
Cheryl! Cheryl...
I wanted to tell you.
There is not one stray hair on the soap in the shower.
Because I know that's a pet peeve of yours,
as is the phrase, "Pet peeves."
Thank you, honey.
And, you know, I was thinking
maybe we should paint the bedroom
periwinkle blue.
Your favorite color.
You're going to paint the bedroom?
Don't push it, honey.
The point was the color thing.
What happened to telling him?
Yeah, I know, I know, I should,
but there's no hair on the soap for the first time in years.
Is that what it comes down to in a marriage,
is hairless soap?
(TOILET FLUSHES)
JIM: Hey, Cheryl, you hear that?
That was a courtesy flush,
because I know you love them!
I do. I really do.
ANDY: Come on, come on.
All right, that's real mature, okay?
Give me the hat. Come on! Oh!
Give me the hat. Give me the hat!
Give him the hat!
Here you go, Captain.
(CHUCKLES)
You and me, Beltzman. We're headed for some choppy waters.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
All right, calm down, calm down.
Hey, by the way, Andy,
thanks for that tip on the garden gnome.
Cheryl loved it.
Yeah, yeah, I'm touched. Where's my five?
Oh, right. Right, right, right.
There you go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?
Jim's been giving me money to fill him in on stuff Cheryl likes.
Yeah, she thinks I don't know her.
Boy, she couldn't be more wrong.
What else you got, Andy?
Ooh, this one's worth $ easy. JIM: What?
Cheryl loves these butterscotch candies
that my grandma used to give her and Dana.
Good. That's good.
I never got any,
'cause I was Mr. Dirty-boy-nasty-hands.
What?
I was ! She walked in on me.
Oh, stop! Will you just...
What was I gonna do, huh?
Just stop it!
So, why do you suddenly have to know stuff about your wife?
I mean, she's already in place.
Thank you.
She heard that Mark Bannon got his wife
a fancy new necklace for no reason at all.
I could just k*ll the guy!
I think his wife is gonna beat you to it.
Why?
She caught him fooling around.
What?
With his secretary.
(JIM CHUCKLING) Twenty-two years old. Former gymnast. Ah!
Limber! Nice.
Yeah!
Well, well, well. A husband buying his wife jewelry
because he was fooling around.
Who would have thought?
One, two, three, four.
(PLAYING BLUES MUSIC)
Hey. Hey.
How was practice?
Oh, practice was great.
Oh! What are you doing?
I am putting my socks and shoes
where people eat, because I know you,
and you hate that!
Then why are you doing it?
One moment, Cheryl.
You also hate it when I leave a wet sponge in the sink.
And you also hate it when I drink milk
right out of the carton. Observe.
I had that out 'cause it went bad.
(SPITTING)
And I also know you hate it when I spit in the sink!
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it.
You're doing things you know I hate.
Mmm-hmm. Why?
Well, because word on the street is
that your precious little Mark Bannon
was caught cheating on his turkey-neck wife!
What? You heard me.
Hence his romantic gesture of jewelry.
So, Cheryl,
shall I preheat the oven,
or do you like to eat your crow raw?
You don't know how to preheat the oven.
And just because someone told you
that Mark Bannon was fooling around with his secretary
doesn't make it true.
Oh, it's true, but... Whoa, whoa.
I didn't say anything about a secretary.
Neither did I.
Yes, you did. I just heard you say...
No, I didn't.
I just heard you say it!
How long have you known?
A few hours.
What's a few hours?
I don't know.
How many hours is three days?
Good God, woman. Three days?
Oh, so I took advantage of the situation.
You do that all the time.
Oh, Cheryl, what a tangled web we weave
when we something-something on Christmas eve.
Mmm-hmm.
That is so not how it goes.
Well, sorry, we can't all major in poetry.
Business administration!
Come on. Go ahead!
Make as much sense as you want right now,
because you are totally busted!
So, you got two choices.
Either I return the unwanted earrings back,
and take the money and buy something I want,
or you can keep the earrings,
and I'm going to have an affair with my secretary!
You don't have a secretary.
It's just you and Andy.
I'm returning the earrings.
Yeah.
You know, it's sad. What?
Well, poor Mark Bannon, you know.
It's Saturday night and he's probably watching his little TV
in his little apartment by the airport
wondering what happened to his life.
You know, does it get any more pathetic than that?
Got any fours?
JIM: Where are you, Cheryl?
Yeah, I'm in here.
Hey, Cheryl, can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah. Yeah.
Wait. Well, hello! What about the game?
Oh, deal me out.
I'm sitting on three nines here.
Do you have any nines?
Look, Cheryl, I need to tell you something. Yeah, so do I.
No, no, no. I got to go first.
I need to apologize. After you.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Mark Bannon.
Oh, that's all right. Forget about it.
Until the next time I get in trouble.
Look, when I went to return those earrings,
it made me think about something and that is...
When I told you that I didn't have to buy you jewelry
because you were already in place,
I didn't mean it as a bad thing.
I know, honey.
I mean, I know I don't see you,
but in my defense, I don't see a lot.
I mean, look, I may not know what your major is
or what your favorite song is,
or how many years we've been married.
But, you know, you're a part of me, like my arm.
Only with, you know, without the hair.
Oh, honey, you're a part of me, too.
Yeah? Yeah.
Which part?
Yeah, I don't want to play this game.
You're just going to make it dirty.
(CHUCKLING)
You do know me.
Yeah.
Well, maybe I know you, too.
Come here. Step into my office.
No, Jim, I'm not going to the bathroom with you.
Not that office!
This way.
Ta-da!
A bike?
It's a pink bike.
Remember? What?
Remember, it was our second date,
and you told me the story of when you were a little girl,
about how you wanted a pink bike
with white-walled tires and a little...
(BELL DINGS) ...bell for your birthday, right?
And your mom went out and bought you a green one
because she liked the color better.
You remembered that?
Of course.
Oh, honey, I'm impressed.
So am I.
I actually remembered something without Andy's help.
What do you mean, without Andy's help?
(SIGHING) Look, we're having a really nice moment here.
You sure you want to start asking questions?
No.
It's a very nice bike.
Want to go for a ride?
Yeah.
Okay. Jump on it.
Hey, honey? Yeah?
Did I ever tell you about that $ Louis Vuitton purse
I didn't get as a child?
Why would you want something fancy like that?
You got no place to go. Oh!
I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that!
(SCREAMS)
Hey, man. Hey.
I got a big date tonight. Have you seen my hat?
Yeah. Right here.
Yes! Thanks, man.
You're welcome. Anchors aweigh.