02x07 - Still Our Little Boy
Posted: 11/12/22 08:07
[Music]
anything special for your birthday bill
yeah but you might find it dirty and
degrading I'm not changing the oil in
your car whatever come on it's a big one
you're turning 40 oh don't remind me my
life is like one-third over I found this
list I made 20 years ago all the things
I promised myself I'd do before I hit 40
at this point I'm pretty sure you could
play drums with REO Speedwagon go down
to the county fair and ask dad look
white water rafting under a triathlon I
keep postponing all my dreams you know I
originally made this list for when I
turned 30 see how I just changed the 32
a 40 change the 405 I don't think just
changing a number again is gonna yeah I
do feel better although whitewater
rafting trip would be fun honey pace
yourself we got 10 years
[Music]
me
[Applause]
[Music]
okay our reservation set for Friday
night bill's birthday dinner the whole
family yeah Freddie's not so good for me
perfect Friday it is so where are you
taking him Phil's favorite restaurant
bc's porterhouse be sport has beat these
porterhouse that restaurant with a sign
that has a smiling cow begging you to
eat him that's easy i'll be having the
turf and turf for the sirloin soup one
of those steaks salads and some kind of
wine that has beef in it Miami had a
pony on a birthday I'll stick with a
steak he dad just fight for your
birthday this year Akeem and I are gonna
bake you a cake from scratch Thank You
girls oh that is so sweet I actually
think I may cry don't cry bill there
will be a backup cake oh my god they're
nice girls but you don't screw around
with cake all right I'm going to miss
out and you and BTW i guess i bear did
you my present now and believe me it
wasn't easy shopping for the man who
needs everything our certificate for a
day of beauty linda this is great when
are you going you're welcome and you
know you can get a facial manicure
pedicure at whatever it's really more of
a present for Judy I mean she's the one
with a day in day out front row seat for
that hey hey now cut it out I'm
completely happy with the way bill looks
what is that smell okay Brian wearing a
whole lot really really bad Cologne what
the Old Spice ship came in with a full
cash I gave him a bottle of some stuff
with a horse on it yeah you sure didn't
have the horse idiot Oh get there yeah
oh sweet time has come to sit the boy
down and teach him how to properly apply
cologne should go like this not this try
not to hurt its feelings ever make it
clear that less is more and that more
could show up wish me luck I'm going it
hey there's no dad all right Brian stop
moving around you creating a breeze what
son sit down there's something important
we need to talk about when he when a
young boy grows up the world opens up
for him like this window yeah it's
freezing yeah yeah about that you stink
why oh no not you that the Cologne oh my
god this is so embarrassing is really
that noticeable come on you can talk to
me what's going on well the thing is I
started wearing Cologne after gym class
because i perspire so much dry and brian
you just like me you got the miller
engine the miller engine miller men or
sweaters this powerful engine throws a
lot of heat I wear antiperspirant eat
perspirant good luck when I try
sprinkling pixie dust on your pizza
no no after exercise you got to take
that shower seriously get into all the
creases double back if you have to it's
just I'm not really all that crazy about
showering with the other guys Brian
you're not showering at all are you not
at school it's just lately in the locker
room I look around and I noticed I'm
different from the other guys hey you're
the one looking around it's my body not
not the same as most of them you know
when places places Oh places yeah that's
rough you're self-conscious and dressing
in front of the other guys because some
of you have places and some of you have
places well yeah I just don't know what
to do now what had happen if you just
took your shower after all the other
guys you know a stall around the gym
somehow you can help the coach put away
equipment and then just take my shower
after they've all got dressed and after
all the balls have been put away good
Becca actually worked it might make me a
little late for calculus car okay so you
find another upsell this is great I'm
really glad I can come to you with this
you know guy stuff no problem Sam you
can come to me anytime thanks dad hey
how'd it go right turns out the cologne
was merely a smokescreen for a much more
delicate problem which if I do say so
myself I handled competently confidently
Wow proud words from a Miller what was
the problem it seems our sons been
skipping as showers in the locker room
yeah why would he do that well Bryan's
at that tender age where some boys are
changing and some boys aren't and the
boys who aren't changing don't like
changing right there in front of the
changing one's oh so you're saying
brined a little behind the other boys
how much fun i would guess he's like
that roll of film you've been carrying
around in your persons last Christmas
on 35 millimeters oh my poor little
bride exactly so bad for him standing in
the shower all scrawny and pale I better
go up there and talk them through this I
I said I handled it but bill it's a
serious locker room can be a very
traumatic place Yeah Yeah right which
one of us have spent more time in a high
school boys locker room ok that's a
toss-up I pointed I already talked to
him ok ok you've been doing the dad
thing long enough to fly solo once in a
while thank you I mean I'm sure you told
Brian that he's bound to catch up with
the other boys in time well not in so
many words well I'm sure you told them
that he shouldn't feel weird that being
a little different it's perfectly normal
ok you weren't in that room you were
breathing that smell I better go talk to
know well you left out a few things that
he needs to hear you can't treat this
like a mother-daughter talk where you
sip tea and discuss every little feeling
men communicate differently usually
through a series of grunts gestures and
the occasional limerick about everything
well not anymore face it Judy one of the
little girls you raised is finally
turning into a man your arm I'm in I'll
see you at the wedding
[Music]
some more birthday candles she's got 21
and dad is turning 40 that means we
still need 18 more candles thankee very
sorry I was just testing you Lori that's
Becca smell maganda Jeff stay up to date
sweetie better not forget your mask but
there she is there's my little dry dry I
mean my big bribry I mean my handsome
masculine son who's perfect exactly as
he is good morning I made you a very
healthy lunch I also put an article in
there from one of my magazine something
you might be interested in okay gotta
love the bod you're in sick sexy
strategies to feel better in the buff oh
wait let me check mmm just like a meadow
in Ireland it won't put an article in my
lunch today apparently she thinks I'm
having some kind of problem lip gloss
tips for pouty kissable lips she's nuts
your lips are plenty kisses oh you told
mom about our talk didn't you son you
have to know by now I don't keep any
secrets from your mother well any of
your secrets I thought I said this was
guy stuff and that's what I told your
mother that we could handle this on our
own by the way you're perfectly normal
everyone's different and something else
so humiliating how could you tell her
you gotta relax about the shower it's
not like it's some kind of competition
there's always gonna be that one guy in
there who's swinging the bigger bat
now why does it have to be me life isn't
fair don't you think for one second that
the way the second excuse me what did
you just say why am I always the one who
stands out from the group I stand out in
math class I stand out in science and
now I stand out in the showers yeah but
this is something you'll actually use
after high school oh this is terrific I
mean it's terrific you felt you could
tell me yeah and you blabbed it all
tomorrow how can I ever face her again
your mom doesn't know this part I just
told her you were shy in the locker room
and you don't think she'll be able to
figure out why I don't see your guess in
this one is basically me and you think
dad to get I feel like some kind of
fruit of course but trust me as bad as
you're feeling in the showers the guy
standing next to you if you learn a lot
worse but you think it's not a
competition unless you're the winner of
my body
[Music]
you look at these guys move this team is
on fire you know the key to their
success is the way all five guys work
together hairdressing guys not making a
move without consulting the fashion guy
if you get one of those q*eer guys for
an afternoon all I want are some slacks
at flattered yeah you think of our
practice cake ah that's nice except this
piece tastes a little love rings oh gosh
actually I think that's an earring oh
that must be my found it I'll get back
to you sure I mean it could be as early
as tonight gel that was Brian's calculus
teacher he's been five minutes late for
class every day this week apparently
he's staying late at gym well five
minutes isn't so bad everybody knows
calculus doesn't get interesting until
ever don't you tell him to take a shower
after all the other boys have gone with
that your big fix it's one of the
options i suggested well I guess now I
gotta talk to him no no no no Brian and
I'll work this out he's a little
sensitive about other people know it a
secret no I know the secret wait what's
secret the thing is Judy you don't
really what's Matheson you told me about
it is kind of it there's a little more
to it a lot more to it than what you
told him no of course not he told Glenn
Glenn told me you talked last okay the
guy thing so I told a couple of guys
have worked but only guys ran Sheila and
housewares but she has sons and they all
know dude all right so tell me what this
big secret of Brian's is and everyone
else in the world knows but his mom all
right all right how can I put this think
back to when we first started dating a
bunch of us hop the fence and went
skinny-dipping up at the reservoir yeah
well you saw something for the first
time that night that I think left a very
large impression on you
at night something impressive and large
something large my friend doug coleman
oh my god dog Coleman picked up Coleman
that's Brian's secret wait brian is like
Doug apparently he's a dog and a half
you told him I can't believe it you told
everyone I hate you Brian any idea what
ever happened to Doug so did you talking
to you know I don't blame them he asked
me not to tell anybody why could not
just respect that aah Bell we don't
respect our kids well I think we have to
start oh great with their people now
with their own thoughts and feelings I
guess I just got used to when they were
little and it was okay to laugh at every
little thing they didn't set the whole
reason I had children ohmori bill bryan
i'll get over this before your birthday
god I don't feel like doing anything
special tomorrow night oh come on it's
all planned no I'll just celebrate my
birthday the traditional way going to
three or four Denny's and getting my
free birthday meals well nice doesn't do
that anymore okay this is the worst day
of my life
[Music]
hey I Know You're angry at your dad but
it's not really fair the truth is I
forced him to tell me why guess I felt a
little hurt that you didn't feel you
could come and talk to me about this new
development it's too weird at one time
it doesn't have to be weird you could
talk to me about anything you have
nothing to be embarrassed about I mean
it's all part of nature's beauty boys
and their equipment aah oh I am a woman
i have seen one or two I know it's a lot
of press but trust me as a woman it's
more about being gentle and sensitive to
the needs of your okay all right you
know what you're right this is weird we
can't talk about this and I guess and
I'm gonna have to be okay with that but
all the more reason you need to make up
with your father so theyĆve someone to
share this stuff with no way dad is a
big mouth jerk you look at me right now
young man that man is still your father
and he loves you wanted nothing more in
this world than to help you through this
problem well the shirt he kept it to
himself I'm never talking to him again
well you're going to have to because
tomorrow is his birthday and we are
celebrating as a family whether you want
to or not okay okay now can you just
leave me alone sure you know I do know a
little bit about what you're going
through I remember the day that I
started to develop mom
and I told you I'm fine I forgive you
okay now can we just stop talking about
it I know you're saying that but I feel
like there's still a problem between us
and your mother must feel that way too
she asked me to pick you up after
practice so we can talk this through go
watch TV Brian Brian you my only son it
had k*lled me to think that you could
never trust me again whatever dad I
wants a dog food what I was a kid it
looked good I ate the whole cam and I
drank all the water in the bowl why are
you telling me this look I can't take
back what I did to you but maybe I can
make it better by telling you some
secret of mine something no one else
knows and it would k*ll me if it got out
dead really let's not do this right now
no no I want you to know that you're not
the only one who had some embarrassing
teenage years dad please once when I was
your age I I felt nervous about a date
so I practiced kissing on my German
Shepherd Tessie so first you ate all her
food and then you tried to make out with
them I never told anyone that with you
here's another good one sometimes when
it's hot I like to sleep in your mom's
old maternity underwear a roomy where I
need the room and they feel soft and
silky against my skin
wow I really forgives you I know I said
it before but now I really mean it
Thanks come here buddy and you feel okay
talking to me about guy stuff yeah sure
after what you just told me I'll never
feel like a freak again I'm gonna go
find your mom and your sisters I
suddenly feel like a birthday dinner
after all why didn't you stop him I
tried not hard to know why didn't you
just jump out and yell surprise I wanted
to but a little voice kept saying let's
hear some more that voice with me
you know I don't think I could face Mike
I got pictures in my head I ended maybe
we all yeah thanks for coming so what
are we gonna say to the future smoocher
nothing for the happy birthday we don't
know anything okay absolutely although
I'll never look at testy the same way
again hey Dad anyone's in the bathroom
clear out I had a big lunch and I've
been stuck in traffic for 45 minutes
could be a photo finish
anytime next Saturday
[Music]
anything special for your birthday bill
yeah but you might find it dirty and
degrading I'm not changing the oil in
your car whatever come on it's a big one
you're turning 40 oh don't remind me my
life is like one-third over I found this
list I made 20 years ago all the things
I promised myself I'd do before I hit 40
at this point I'm pretty sure you could
play drums with REO Speedwagon go down
to the county fair and ask dad look
white water rafting under a triathlon I
keep postponing all my dreams you know I
originally made this list for when I
turned 30 see how I just changed the 32
a 40 change the 405 I don't think just
changing a number again is gonna yeah I
do feel better although whitewater
rafting trip would be fun honey pace
yourself we got 10 years
[Music]
me
[Applause]
[Music]
okay our reservation set for Friday
night bill's birthday dinner the whole
family yeah Freddie's not so good for me
perfect Friday it is so where are you
taking him Phil's favorite restaurant
bc's porterhouse be sport has beat these
porterhouse that restaurant with a sign
that has a smiling cow begging you to
eat him that's easy i'll be having the
turf and turf for the sirloin soup one
of those steaks salads and some kind of
wine that has beef in it Miami had a
pony on a birthday I'll stick with a
steak he dad just fight for your
birthday this year Akeem and I are gonna
bake you a cake from scratch Thank You
girls oh that is so sweet I actually
think I may cry don't cry bill there
will be a backup cake oh my god they're
nice girls but you don't screw around
with cake all right I'm going to miss
out and you and BTW i guess i bear did
you my present now and believe me it
wasn't easy shopping for the man who
needs everything our certificate for a
day of beauty linda this is great when
are you going you're welcome and you
know you can get a facial manicure
pedicure at whatever it's really more of
a present for Judy I mean she's the one
with a day in day out front row seat for
that hey hey now cut it out I'm
completely happy with the way bill looks
what is that smell okay Brian wearing a
whole lot really really bad Cologne what
the Old Spice ship came in with a full
cash I gave him a bottle of some stuff
with a horse on it yeah you sure didn't
have the horse idiot Oh get there yeah
oh sweet time has come to sit the boy
down and teach him how to properly apply
cologne should go like this not this try
not to hurt its feelings ever make it
clear that less is more and that more
could show up wish me luck I'm going it
hey there's no dad all right Brian stop
moving around you creating a breeze what
son sit down there's something important
we need to talk about when he when a
young boy grows up the world opens up
for him like this window yeah it's
freezing yeah yeah about that you stink
why oh no not you that the Cologne oh my
god this is so embarrassing is really
that noticeable come on you can talk to
me what's going on well the thing is I
started wearing Cologne after gym class
because i perspire so much dry and brian
you just like me you got the miller
engine the miller engine miller men or
sweaters this powerful engine throws a
lot of heat I wear antiperspirant eat
perspirant good luck when I try
sprinkling pixie dust on your pizza
no no after exercise you got to take
that shower seriously get into all the
creases double back if you have to it's
just I'm not really all that crazy about
showering with the other guys Brian
you're not showering at all are you not
at school it's just lately in the locker
room I look around and I noticed I'm
different from the other guys hey you're
the one looking around it's my body not
not the same as most of them you know
when places places Oh places yeah that's
rough you're self-conscious and dressing
in front of the other guys because some
of you have places and some of you have
places well yeah I just don't know what
to do now what had happen if you just
took your shower after all the other
guys you know a stall around the gym
somehow you can help the coach put away
equipment and then just take my shower
after they've all got dressed and after
all the balls have been put away good
Becca actually worked it might make me a
little late for calculus car okay so you
find another upsell this is great I'm
really glad I can come to you with this
you know guy stuff no problem Sam you
can come to me anytime thanks dad hey
how'd it go right turns out the cologne
was merely a smokescreen for a much more
delicate problem which if I do say so
myself I handled competently confidently
Wow proud words from a Miller what was
the problem it seems our sons been
skipping as showers in the locker room
yeah why would he do that well Bryan's
at that tender age where some boys are
changing and some boys aren't and the
boys who aren't changing don't like
changing right there in front of the
changing one's oh so you're saying
brined a little behind the other boys
how much fun i would guess he's like
that roll of film you've been carrying
around in your persons last Christmas
on 35 millimeters oh my poor little
bride exactly so bad for him standing in
the shower all scrawny and pale I better
go up there and talk them through this I
I said I handled it but bill it's a
serious locker room can be a very
traumatic place Yeah Yeah right which
one of us have spent more time in a high
school boys locker room ok that's a
toss-up I pointed I already talked to
him ok ok you've been doing the dad
thing long enough to fly solo once in a
while thank you I mean I'm sure you told
Brian that he's bound to catch up with
the other boys in time well not in so
many words well I'm sure you told them
that he shouldn't feel weird that being
a little different it's perfectly normal
ok you weren't in that room you were
breathing that smell I better go talk to
know well you left out a few things that
he needs to hear you can't treat this
like a mother-daughter talk where you
sip tea and discuss every little feeling
men communicate differently usually
through a series of grunts gestures and
the occasional limerick about everything
well not anymore face it Judy one of the
little girls you raised is finally
turning into a man your arm I'm in I'll
see you at the wedding
[Music]
some more birthday candles she's got 21
and dad is turning 40 that means we
still need 18 more candles thankee very
sorry I was just testing you Lori that's
Becca smell maganda Jeff stay up to date
sweetie better not forget your mask but
there she is there's my little dry dry I
mean my big bribry I mean my handsome
masculine son who's perfect exactly as
he is good morning I made you a very
healthy lunch I also put an article in
there from one of my magazine something
you might be interested in okay gotta
love the bod you're in sick sexy
strategies to feel better in the buff oh
wait let me check mmm just like a meadow
in Ireland it won't put an article in my
lunch today apparently she thinks I'm
having some kind of problem lip gloss
tips for pouty kissable lips she's nuts
your lips are plenty kisses oh you told
mom about our talk didn't you son you
have to know by now I don't keep any
secrets from your mother well any of
your secrets I thought I said this was
guy stuff and that's what I told your
mother that we could handle this on our
own by the way you're perfectly normal
everyone's different and something else
so humiliating how could you tell her
you gotta relax about the shower it's
not like it's some kind of competition
there's always gonna be that one guy in
there who's swinging the bigger bat
now why does it have to be me life isn't
fair don't you think for one second that
the way the second excuse me what did
you just say why am I always the one who
stands out from the group I stand out in
math class I stand out in science and
now I stand out in the showers yeah but
this is something you'll actually use
after high school oh this is terrific I
mean it's terrific you felt you could
tell me yeah and you blabbed it all
tomorrow how can I ever face her again
your mom doesn't know this part I just
told her you were shy in the locker room
and you don't think she'll be able to
figure out why I don't see your guess in
this one is basically me and you think
dad to get I feel like some kind of
fruit of course but trust me as bad as
you're feeling in the showers the guy
standing next to you if you learn a lot
worse but you think it's not a
competition unless you're the winner of
my body
[Music]
you look at these guys move this team is
on fire you know the key to their
success is the way all five guys work
together hairdressing guys not making a
move without consulting the fashion guy
if you get one of those q*eer guys for
an afternoon all I want are some slacks
at flattered yeah you think of our
practice cake ah that's nice except this
piece tastes a little love rings oh gosh
actually I think that's an earring oh
that must be my found it I'll get back
to you sure I mean it could be as early
as tonight gel that was Brian's calculus
teacher he's been five minutes late for
class every day this week apparently
he's staying late at gym well five
minutes isn't so bad everybody knows
calculus doesn't get interesting until
ever don't you tell him to take a shower
after all the other boys have gone with
that your big fix it's one of the
options i suggested well I guess now I
gotta talk to him no no no no Brian and
I'll work this out he's a little
sensitive about other people know it a
secret no I know the secret wait what's
secret the thing is Judy you don't
really what's Matheson you told me about
it is kind of it there's a little more
to it a lot more to it than what you
told him no of course not he told Glenn
Glenn told me you talked last okay the
guy thing so I told a couple of guys
have worked but only guys ran Sheila and
housewares but she has sons and they all
know dude all right so tell me what this
big secret of Brian's is and everyone
else in the world knows but his mom all
right all right how can I put this think
back to when we first started dating a
bunch of us hop the fence and went
skinny-dipping up at the reservoir yeah
well you saw something for the first
time that night that I think left a very
large impression on you
at night something impressive and large
something large my friend doug coleman
oh my god dog Coleman picked up Coleman
that's Brian's secret wait brian is like
Doug apparently he's a dog and a half
you told him I can't believe it you told
everyone I hate you Brian any idea what
ever happened to Doug so did you talking
to you know I don't blame them he asked
me not to tell anybody why could not
just respect that aah Bell we don't
respect our kids well I think we have to
start oh great with their people now
with their own thoughts and feelings I
guess I just got used to when they were
little and it was okay to laugh at every
little thing they didn't set the whole
reason I had children ohmori bill bryan
i'll get over this before your birthday
god I don't feel like doing anything
special tomorrow night oh come on it's
all planned no I'll just celebrate my
birthday the traditional way going to
three or four Denny's and getting my
free birthday meals well nice doesn't do
that anymore okay this is the worst day
of my life
[Music]
hey I Know You're angry at your dad but
it's not really fair the truth is I
forced him to tell me why guess I felt a
little hurt that you didn't feel you
could come and talk to me about this new
development it's too weird at one time
it doesn't have to be weird you could
talk to me about anything you have
nothing to be embarrassed about I mean
it's all part of nature's beauty boys
and their equipment aah oh I am a woman
i have seen one or two I know it's a lot
of press but trust me as a woman it's
more about being gentle and sensitive to
the needs of your okay all right you
know what you're right this is weird we
can't talk about this and I guess and
I'm gonna have to be okay with that but
all the more reason you need to make up
with your father so theyĆve someone to
share this stuff with no way dad is a
big mouth jerk you look at me right now
young man that man is still your father
and he loves you wanted nothing more in
this world than to help you through this
problem well the shirt he kept it to
himself I'm never talking to him again
well you're going to have to because
tomorrow is his birthday and we are
celebrating as a family whether you want
to or not okay okay now can you just
leave me alone sure you know I do know a
little bit about what you're going
through I remember the day that I
started to develop mom
and I told you I'm fine I forgive you
okay now can we just stop talking about
it I know you're saying that but I feel
like there's still a problem between us
and your mother must feel that way too
she asked me to pick you up after
practice so we can talk this through go
watch TV Brian Brian you my only son it
had k*lled me to think that you could
never trust me again whatever dad I
wants a dog food what I was a kid it
looked good I ate the whole cam and I
drank all the water in the bowl why are
you telling me this look I can't take
back what I did to you but maybe I can
make it better by telling you some
secret of mine something no one else
knows and it would k*ll me if it got out
dead really let's not do this right now
no no I want you to know that you're not
the only one who had some embarrassing
teenage years dad please once when I was
your age I I felt nervous about a date
so I practiced kissing on my German
Shepherd Tessie so first you ate all her
food and then you tried to make out with
them I never told anyone that with you
here's another good one sometimes when
it's hot I like to sleep in your mom's
old maternity underwear a roomy where I
need the room and they feel soft and
silky against my skin
wow I really forgives you I know I said
it before but now I really mean it
Thanks come here buddy and you feel okay
talking to me about guy stuff yeah sure
after what you just told me I'll never
feel like a freak again I'm gonna go
find your mom and your sisters I
suddenly feel like a birthday dinner
after all why didn't you stop him I
tried not hard to know why didn't you
just jump out and yell surprise I wanted
to but a little voice kept saying let's
hear some more that voice with me
you know I don't think I could face Mike
I got pictures in my head I ended maybe
we all yeah thanks for coming so what
are we gonna say to the future smoocher
nothing for the happy birthday we don't
know anything okay absolutely although
I'll never look at testy the same way
again hey Dad anyone's in the bathroom
clear out I had a big lunch and I've
been stuck in traffic for 45 minutes
could be a photo finish
anytime next Saturday
[Music]