01x01 - Martha Says It with Flowers

[bunniefuu]

MAN:
* Martha was an average dog

* She went... and... and...
(barking, growls)

* When she ate
some alphabet soup *

* Then what happened
was bizarre. *

On the way to Martha's stomach,
the letters lost their way.

They traveled to her brain,
and now...

* She's got a lot to say

* Now she speaks...

How now, brown cow?

* Martha speaks

* Yeah, she speaks
and speaks and speaks *

* And speaks and speaks.

What's a caboose?

When are we eating again?

* Martha speaks...

Hey, Joe, what do you know?

My name's not Joe.

* She's not always right,
but still that Martha speaks. *

Hi, there.

* She's got a voice,
she's ready to shout *

* Martha will tell you
what it's all about *

* Sometimes wrong,
but seldom in doubt *

* Martha will tell you
what it's all about *

* That dog's unique...

Testing, one, two.

* Hear her speak

* Martha speaks and speaks
and speaks and speaks and... *

* Communicates, enumerates

* Elucidates, exaggerates

* Indicates and explicates

* Bloviates and overstates
and... *

(panting)

* ...hyperventilates!

* Martha, to reiterate

Martha speaks!
* Martha speaks.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen
and preschoolers of all ages.

Today, we present an exhibition

of one-of-a-kind artworks
for your appreciation,

a mixture of paint and canvas
that can be both delightful...

(crashing)
...and dangerous.

The two extraordinary objects

we've chosen for you
to observe today are studies

in the art of correcting
your mistakes.

As you observe our paintings,

be sure to watch out for words

like "considerate"
and "inconsiderate,"

"forgive" and "regret."

I'll see you
at the end of the show.

Skits, go home
and play with Martha.

Dogs make the
janitor unhappy.

We can play later.

(whimpers)

(pants)

* J-A-N-I-T-O-R

* It's the greatest
job by far. *

Ah! You're making a big mistake.

(whimpers "huh?")

Get your hairy
dog face out of here.

Or you're going
to regret it.

Didn't you see the sign?

That means,
"No dogs allowed."

We don't teach dogs here.

Oh, man, I just taught you
what the sign means.

I regret doing that, which means
I wish I hadn't done it.

Agh! Now I taught you
something else.

Go away.

It's not Skits'
fault he's hairy.

But it's his fault
for bringing his hair here

for me to clean up.
Look.

That's at least
four, five dog hairs,

all extra work.

(sneezes)

No dogs allowed!

(groans)

When magma reaches the surface,
we call it...

VaDINCI:
Hey, kids!
(kids gasp)

Why does everyone look
surprised?

What have you been
talking about? Magma?

You all have that
"Oh, no, magma" look

on your faces.

I like magma.

Class, get out
your art supplies.

It's art time!

It's art time!

It's art time...

BC...

TD.

You look miserable.

I mean, you really
look unhappy.

Art's not for me.

I make too many mistakes.

TB, there's no such thing

as making a mistake
in my art class.

Then saying I make mistakes
was a mistake.

See? That's why I'm miserable.

I can't help myself.

Hey, make some art.

You'll feel better.

Here's today's assignment:

I want you all to draw
something you see every day.

(gasps)

(groans)

VaDINCI:
Very nice.

Thanks!

CD, did you draw
simple shapes

because you're afraid
of making a mistake?

No. It's exactly
what I see every day:

the back
of Chuck Smith's head.

I watch it
six hours a day.

(whispering):
Psst! Want to see
my first drawing?

(school bell rings)

(giggles)
VaDINCI:
I regret I must announce

the end of art time.

Hand in your work;
I'll be hanging

these in the hall.

(relieved sigh)

TRUMAN:
I'm going to get it
this time, Skits.

(Skits barks)
I got it!
I got it!

I'm so glad you're home.

I don't know
how much longer

I could keep
those two entertained.

I drew a picture
of you today.

Where is it?
Let me see!

Sorry, Mr. VaDinci took our art
to hang in the school hall.

Where everyone
will see and admire me.

Now I know why
the Mona Lisa was smiling.

TD drew one that
he couldn't hand in.

Show it, TD.

This is hilarious.

Hmm, that's not funny.

It looks like the back
of Chuck Smith's head.

(screams, gasps)

You accidentally
swapped the drawings?

You gave the teacher
a picture of himself

with the body of a duck
to hang in the school hall?

(groans)

Okay, that's funny.

What should I do?

And by that I mean,
should I move

to the North Pole
or to Moose Jaw?

Travel is expensive.

How much money do you have?

(coins clink)

cents.

You could hide
behind the sofa.

Nobody ever finds me there,
and it's free.

What a dilemma.

If by "dilemma" you mean
a big, big problem,

then yeah,
this is a dilemma.

How do I solve it?

Here's how you solve it:
go right back to Mr. VaDinci,

swap this drawing
for that one, and apologize.

I'd rather hide
behind the couch.

He's going to be unhappy,
but just do it quickly,

the way you
pull off a bandage.

This one's from last summer.

And this one's
from Valentine's Day.

I peel them a little every day.

Ouch!

Ouch! Okay, that's enough
for today.

HELEN:
Just apologize quickly.

Then we'll solve
your bandage problem.

Guys, he probably went home.

(gasps):
Hide!

He didn't see it yet.

There it is, underneath
my Martha drawing.

Ooh! I want to see me!

Hmm?

Go in and swap the right one
for the wrong one.

That'll solve your dilemma.

Miss Clusky's in there.

Oh, man, this dilemma's
the size of the North Pole now,

which is where I should go.

Do you need more time?

No. I can finish
this tomorrow.

If we don't get to
that ball game on time,

we'll be really unhappy.

(sighs):
My one big regret in life

is that I'm such
a good duck artist.

Okay, they left.

Now all we have to do
is walk in

and swap the art
in your backpack

with the art in the red folder.

(stunned yells)

School is closed,
you know.

TD just needs
to get one thing.

Is that a hairy dog?

Out! Now!

MARTHA:
I'm taking this personally!

I don't get paid extra
for sweeping up

hairy dog hairs!
(coughing)

Can TD go in?

He's not hairy, see?

No one's allowed in
while I work.

This is my alone time.

Nothing makes me as unhappy
as picking up dog hair.

(groans)

Hairy.

Sorry, TD.

My idea failed.

I feel miserable.

Hey, I know how to get it!

We build an exact
duplicate of the school,

then tomorrow when everybody
goes into the fake school,

we go into the real school
and switch the art.

Problem solved!

Or Truman and Martha

could watch for the janitor
while we get the art.

Yeah! Martha, if you

see him coming towards us
in the hall, whistle.

And Truman,
you look in windows.

When you spot him,
howl like a wolf

and we'll always
know where he is.

(pitiful howl)

(sputtering)

(groans):
If I had lips, I'd whistle.

I'd also play the harmonica.

Why not have
Martha howl

and Truman whistle?

(birdcall whistle)

Wow, that's pretty good.

(giggles)

It's gone!

Maybe we're in
the wrong room.

We'd better
check them all.

(music playing on radio)

(turns off music)

(gasps)

The pictures!

I've got to tell TD.

(whistles like bird)

That whistle.

Truman's warning us.

(gasps)

That whistle!

The call of the rare
Waffle-Backed Thread-Warbler.

I have to get a photo!

(gasps)

(howling)

Egads!

A desert mountain snow wolf!

Which one do I get
a picture of?

What a dilemma.

(Truman whistling
like bird)

Warbler!

(birdcall whistling)

TD!

(both gasp)

(Martha howling)

That wolf sounds like it's
just outside the front door!

This is the
last classroom.

It's not anywhere.

I'm miserable.

I really regret
drawing that thing.

(Martha howling)

He's coming!

Hide!

(gasps)

(gasps)

Is that wolf hair?

I wish I wasn't alone.

But I'm not alone.

I'm with a wolf!

Psst.

Helen.
What?

I found it.

Problem solved.

(panting)

There's a wolf
in the building!

You kids go out
the window, quick!

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you doing in here?

I caught you trying to put
school property

in the recycling bin.

No.

I was taking it out
of the recycling bin.

Who'd believe that?

Fortunately for you,

there's a man-eating animal
on the loose.

Get out of here!

Let this be a
lesson to you:

Don't go where you don't
belong; there's wolves.

MARTHA:
There are
wolves in here?!

If there are wolves,
my howling might attract them.

Help!

Hold it, hold it!

You were howling?
Let me hear it.

(howling)

(sighs)

It was you, not wolves.

Now you're all in trouble,

because you're in here
when school's closed!

But we're not in there,
we're out here.

(sighs)

Okay, all of you, go home.

This is why I
need alone time.

Everybody makes me miserable,

everybody and dog hair.

Hey, you guys,
I found it!

TD found it, too,

but we got kicked out.

Looks like you'll have
to apologize, TD.

By "apologize," you
mean tell him I'm sorry

I drew him with
a body of a duck?

Yeah, that's what
"apologize" means.

I don't think I'm going
to need to apologize.

You got it?

While I was
in the trash.

Hey, that's funny!

(chuckles)

Problem solved.

Now let's get those bandages
off your knees.

No way!

I'll take care of it
at my own speed.

(sighs)

CLUSKY:
You saw a wolf in this school?

I heard a wolf.

But it turned out,
it wasn't a wolf.

It was a talking dog
doing a wolf imitation.

Maybe you have too
much alone time.

* Will you forgive me
for losing your keys? *

* Can you forgive me
for bending your skis? *

* Can you forgive me
for selling your chair? *

* I traded it
for a big grizzly bear *

* I've stopped being angry

* That means I forgive

* Let's call it even

* We'll live
and let live *

* I forgive you, but
the bear has to go *

* Now would you please get
your foot off my toe? *

Oops.

Forgive me.

(chuckles):
Oh...

Wonderful paella,
Mariella.

I think it was the best
I've ever had.

How kind of
you to say so.

Oh, dear!

I forgot my hat.

I'll get it!

Martha, it's very delicate!

Here you go.

Oops, got a little
slobber on it.

Here, let me get that off.

Oh, stop! You're...

ruining it.

Lucille, she was just
trying to be considerate.

Of course she was.

(sighs):
Oh, dear.

I did it again.

Don't take it
to heart, Martha.

I know you were just
trying to be nice.

(sighs)

But I always do something
to upset Grandma Lucille.

That's not true.

What about the time I got mud
all over her dress?

Hey, everyone.

Boy, it's raining
cats and dogs out there.

(Lucille screams)

That wasn't
your fault.

You didn't know she was
standing right next to you.

Oh, what about the time
I ate her earring?

Aren't they lovely?

Bernie got them for me
for our anniversary.

(gasps)

Oh, dear!

(sighs)

What?

What did I do?

It fell into your
alphabet soup.

You thought
it was an "o".

But I never seem to do
anything right.

Well, if you feel that way,
maybe you could do something

really considerate
for her birthday.

It's this Friday.

Considerate?
Yeah.

It means to be kind and think
about other people's feelings.

So if I do something extra sweet
for her birthday,

she'll think I'm considerate.

What a great idea.

Now, let's see,
what should I do?

Ta-dah!

What is it?

It's a card for Lucille.

See? That's her
in the middle,

and that's a big cake.

Open it.

It says:

"Dear Lucille, happy
a hundredth birthday!

Love, Martha."

I told Truman what to say,

and he wrote it for me.

(laughs)

Oh, Martha.

Grandma's not
turning a hundred.

She isn't?

Ah, darn.

I always have trouble
figuring out age in human years.

Martha, it was really
thoughtful of you

to make Grandma
a card.

Thoughtful?

You mean it's too full
of thinking?

No, "thoughtful" means
you thought a lot about it

and that it's very kind.

But, um, I think this card is

a little too messy for her.

It is?

(groans):
Oh.

Why don't you get her
something instead?

What should I get?

Why not get her something
you'd like to get?

And could I have that
gift-wrapped, please?

MARTHA:
I did it!

I found Lucille
the perfect present!

Feast your eyes on this!

I found it right
outside in the garbage!

Martha, I don't think
Lucille's going to like this.

Huh? Really?

Did you notice
the worm?

I... noticed it.

And it's so soft and-and mushy.

I'd love to get it.

It's a nice thought,

but why don't
you get her something

that a person would like
to get, too.

(sighs)

This is getting
harder every minute.

A big juicy
slab of bacon!

It's perfect!

It's something dogs
and people like.

Thanks, Karl.

(barking)

No, Skits, you
can't have any.

This bacon is for
Lucille's birthday.

Eating some of it
would be inconsiderate.

(whines questioningly)

Inconsiderate.

It's the opposite
of considerate.

It means to be selfish.

You're only thinking
about yourself.

(whines)

No, you can't
lick it, either.

Lucille doesn't like bacon?!

What do you mean
she doesn't like bacon?!

Everybody likes bacon.

Haven't you noticed
how she always leaves her bacon

behind on the plate
at breakfast?

I just thought
she was being thoughtful

and-and leaving it for us.

Let's save this
for breakfast tomorrow.

I'm sure you
and Skits will enjoy it.

(refrigerator door closes)

It's hopeless.

I'll never find
the right present for her.

(sniffs and growls)

(munches and swallows)

(spits)

It's a flower from
Lucille's hat.

Wait a minute.

That's it!

I'll, I'll get her flowers!

Skits, you are
a genius.

Let's go
to the park!

Now keep your eyes
out for flowers,

especially ones
with a delightful, sweet smell.

(gasps)

Jackpot!

These are perfect!

(gasps)

There!

What a delightful present!

And I even got it
five days early.

I'm such a thoughtful dog.

(contented sigh)

(Martha barking,
squirrel chattering)

Martha!
Come on.

It's time to go
to Grandma's.

Okay.

Just let me get my present.

Oh, what a nice little hanky.

I can put it in the bottom
of the flower basket

to make it even prettier.

Hmm, I can't wait
to see Lucille's expression

when she sees
these lovely flow...

What happened to them?!

They're all dry and crumbly!

(footfalls)
HELEN:
You ready, Martha?

Uh, uh... not-not quite!

You-you go ahead.

I'll meet you
at Lucille's.

There's something
I have to get.

Oh, what am I going to do now?

Hey, those flowers
are just as pretty.

(spits)

(tired sigh)

I never knew how exhausting
picking flowers could be.

I'd better get going.

Everyone's probably just about
to sit down to dinner by now.

(hydraulic brakes hissing)

(doors squeak open)
Dori,

could you drop me off
at Lucille's?

Sure thing, Martha. Hop on.

Lovely
flowers.

Thank you.

They're for
Grandma's birthday.

I'm sure she'll
be sincerely
delighted.

Delighted?

I hope "delighted" means
she'll be happy.

Yes, "delighted"
does mean happy.

I think she'll be
extremely pleased

and excited.

Oh, good,

because she hasn't
been too delighted

about some things
I've done in the past.

(laughs)

I know I'd
appreciate it

if I got
those flowers.

I had a schnauzer once.

Her name was Fefu.

She loved flowers.

Then she just took off one day.

(blows nose)

I miss her
terribly!

I'm sorry to hear that.

Would you like one
of these, sir?

I have plenty.

How kind of you!

I'll just take this
little blue one.

Oh, and those yellow ones
are awfully pretty, too.

No, sweetie.

Those flowers belong
to the talking dog.

(crying)
It's okay.

She can have
a few, too.

Oh!

(hydraulic brakes hissing)

MARTHA:
So long, everyone!

Have a great day!

(sighs)

I'm such a thoughtful dog. Hmm.

They sure took a lot of flowers.

Well, they still look
pretty nice,

and I'm only a block away
from Lucille's.

Sample a delicious
Burger Barn burger today!

Free hamburgers!

Did he just say,
"Free hamburgers"?

No, Martha,
don't do it!

Don't give in
to temptation.

You'll be having
dinner soon anyway.

(gasps)
Right.

It would be
inconsiderate of me

to show up having
already eaten.

Hello!

Didn't you
hear the man?

It's a free hamburger!

Ah, what a dilemma!

But, now that you put it

like that...

But you want Lucille
to think you're considerate.

Oh, and smell that overcooked
beef and soggy bun!

You know
you can't resist, Martha.

You're right! I can't!

But I'm just going
to have one.

(Martha panting)

Mmm! Yum! Yum!

(gulps)

Ah. Mmm!

So sweet and salty
at the same time.

Mmm, mmm.

Ah! Well, I'd better get go...

(gasps)

The flowers!

Hey, get away from those!

Oh! Oh, well.

There's still one left.

This time, I'm going
to make sure

nothing happens to it.

(thunder rumbling)

(whines)

(doorbell chimes)

(wind howling)

Happy birthday!

GRANDMA LUCILLE:
Oh, what is that?

Flowers. At least,
they were supposed to be,

but the first batch
I picked died

before I could get them here
because I picked them last week,

so I got these,
and I gave them to some guy

on the bus
who lost his schnauzer,

and then I was distracted
by the Hamburger Man,

and when I got back,
all the birds had taken them!

(crying)
I'm such a failure!

(sobbing)

Don't be unhappy, Martha dear.

It's all right that
you didn't bring me any flowers.

I'm actually
very allergic
to them.

That means
she starts sneezing

and coughing
a lot

whenever
she's around them.

But what about the ones
on your hat?

Those are
fake flowers.

See? Just like the ones on
the new hat we got Lucille.

(whispers):
I said it was
from both of us.

You mean, even if I had
gotten you some flowers,

I would have
still messed up?

Oh, I bet you won't speak to me
for two weeks this time.

GRANDMA LUCILLE:
On the contrary,

I appreciate all the
trouble you went to.

And to show my sincere
thanks, here's some cake.

Whoa!

It's me
who should be thanking you!

Wait. You're not just
saying that

to make me feel better, are you?

No, I said
I was sincere.

"Sincere" means
I really
mean it.

I'm really,
truly thankful
for the gift.

Oh.
(Jake
babbles)

Well, then,

my sincere thanks
for this lovely piece of cake!

This, however,
must go in the trash at once.

(gasps)

It's my lace handkerchief!

Look, there are my initials.

Wherever did you find it?

It was under the couch
in the living room.

Oh! I thought
I had lost it for good!

Oh, Martha,
thank you.

You really are a
very considerate dog.

Well, it turned out to be
a delightful day after all!

(yawns)

Now all I need is a little nap.

No, Martha, not
on the couch!

HELEN:
Your paws--
they're filthy!

(Martha snoring)

That's
all right.

We were
going to get
new covers

for the
cushions
anyway.

We were?

Oh, yes, I remember.

Well, who's
for more cake?

Me!

And don't
forget ice
cream.

BERNIE:
Ah, here's a dilemma--
chocolate or vanilla?

HELEN:
Both!

BERNIE:
That a girl.

MARTHA (groggily):
Did someone say ice cream?

MARTHA:
Skits is inconsiderate.

He eats food off the table.

Martha is considerate.

She always waits to be fed.

Skits is inconsiderate.

He digs holes in the garden.

Martha is considerate.

She never digs.

Skits is inconsiderate.

He plays outside and tracks mud
through the house.

Martha is considerate.

If she's muddy,
she always wipes her feet.

So, what do you think?

I think
it's inconsiderate of you

to blame all that on Skits.

(Skits barking)
Oh.

I'm sorry for being
so inconsiderate!

(Skits panting)

Skits, would you be kind enough
to accept my sincere apology?

(barking)

I was afraid you'd say that.

Two pieces of art with two
very different messages.

Did you catch all of the words
about dilemmas and delights?

Let's see them again.

Considerate?
Yeah.

It means to be kind and think
about other people's feelings.

What a dilemma.

If by dilemma you mean
a big, big problem,

then, yeah, this
is a dilemma.

How do I solve it?

I regret doing that,

which means
I wish I hadn't done it.

We hope
you enjoyed our little exhibit.

See you next time.

Huh?