ARCHER: C'mon Cyril,
beat it, get outta here.
ARCHER: This meeting's
for field agents only.
MALORY: Which brings me to item one.
We don't have enough field agents to
effectively run our covert operations.
Especially since this one went
and got himself paralyzed.
GILLETTE: Yeah that's me, Mr. Selfish.
MALORY: More like Ms.
Anyway, effective immediately, I'm
promoting Cyril to field agent.
LANA: What?!
GILLETTE: Do what?!
ARCHER: Hey, that sounds
great, best of luck.
MALORY: Where do you
think you're going?
ARCHER: Oh, sorry, I gotta get back
to Earth before the Stargate closes.
MALORY: Get back in here!
ARCHER: Mother the
chevrons are locking!
LANA: And Cyril is utterly, laughably
unqualified to be a field agent!
Some offense.
CYRIL: Some taken.
MALORY: Well, none of you were
qualified when you first started.
And you've already given Cyril some training...
ARCHER: Which ended with a dead
hooker in my trunk!
CYRIL: No it didn't!
ARCHER: It easily could have!
LANA: Malory, you can't just --
MALORY: End! Of discussion.
And since this meeting is
for field agents only...
GILLETTE: You're taking
me out of the field?!
MALORY: Well, unless we need someone
to go undercover as a shopping cart.
GILLETTE: [annoyed sigh]
MALORY: This is Roma¡n Calzado, the
notorious Colombian drug lord.
And hopefully an infusion
of much-needed capital.
LANA: Since when are we bounty hunters?
MALORY: Since the DEA's budget
was gutted by all those federal
spending cutbacks.
CYRIL: Which is ridiculous,
given the current economy.
The most efficient way to
decrease the budget deficit is
to increase tax revenue, through, um...
MALORY: Cyril don't make me
regret this decision.
CYRIL: Sorry.
MALORY: And if you were in my
tax bracket you wouldn't be
spouting that socialist propaganda.
ARCHER: Or wearing such shitty clothes.
The reward is a million dollars!
LANA: Exactly, and how many drug users
could be treated with that money?
MALORY: Who cares?!
LANA: Seriously?!
ARCHER: Lana, they'd just go buy a
million dollars worth of crack with it.
LANA: You don't give them the money.
ARCHER: You can't, they'll
blow it on crack.
LANA: Oh my God.
MALORY: No they won't, because it'll in the !sis bank
account.
Because you're going to get
Calzado, dead or alive.
And Cyril, dress appropriately, you'll
be helicoptering into the jungle.
CYRIL: Coool...
MALORY: Oh, and this whole thing reminds me...
Pam? Nine AM Friday morning, all !sis
employees will take a drug test.
PAM: Nkay.
MALORY: And knock off
that damn beatboxing!
MALORY: Ugh.
Last week it was freestyling.
ARCHER: Yes, this LZ!
You dumbass!
Where we are right now!
In twenty four hours!
And you better be here!
What a d*ck.
LANA: Well he's probably
just under a lot of stress.
Since he's our only way out
of th stupid jungle! Dumbass!
CYRIL: Seriously...
ARCHER: Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.
CYRIL: Ms. Archer said dress for the tropics!
ARCHER: Tropics or Busch Gardens?
CYRIL: Hey, ya know what?!
ARCHER: Yes.
LANA: Heckle?
Jeckle?
Between us and Calzado's fortified
compound there's about
ten clicks of jungle that I just assume
is one giant booby-trap showroom.
So shut your dickholes, get your gear,
shut up again, and start walking.
Any questions?
Cyril.
CYRIL: What's a click.
ARCHER: Yeah you say that all
the time and I never know what
you're talking about.
I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort?
CHERYL/CAROL: Nuh-uhh!
PAM: Swear to God, first thing Friday
morning we all gotta pee in a cup -
GILLETTE: Which I can't even do...
y'all PAM: Cleaning out my freezer
last week, found a big bag of skank.
I guess I brought it back from Jamaica, but --
CHERYL/CAROL: But it's
just a pot test, right?!
PAM: No, stupid.
All dr*gs.
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh shit.
I call 'em grooving bears.
PAM: How bout you, Ironsides?
You rollin dirty?
GILLETTE: Umm... Possibly.
PAM: Well then we're all screwed.
KRIEGER: Talking about
the drug test, huh?
CHERYL/CAROL: Duh.
KRIEGER: Well -- What if I told
you I had a way to beat any drug
test in the world.
PAM: Are you telling us that?
KRIEGER: Yes.
CHERYL/CAROL: Well?
What is it?!
KRIEGER: I call it... Krieger-Kleanse.
It's an herbal tea, all-natural,
and it's guaranteed to rid your
body of all traces of
any illicit substance.
PAM: Well here, gimme gimme give it!
KRIEGER: Ah ah ahh!
I literal - figuratively scoured the
globe for these special herbs,
at no small expense to myself.
CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh. How much.
KRIEGER: Hundred bucks each.
EVERYBODY: [ Complaining ]
KRIEGER: Or you can save your
money, and try your luck in the
current job market.
Non-sequential bills, please.
ARCHER: Well then why
not just say kilometer?
LANA: Because shut up.
ARCHER: Jungle ziiing...
CYRIL: So it says here that
Calzado isn't even the head of the
whole operation... LANA: Cyril.
CYRIL: He's actually just a distributor
for somebody named La Sombra.
The Shade?
LANA: Cyril.
CYRIL: No, I bet in this
context, The Shadow.
LANA: Cyril.
CYRIL: Oof.
Hey, what's your problem?
LANA: My problem is I don't
want a thousand of steel balls
to shred my genitals.
CYRIL: Huh?
ARCHER: Claymore mine.
Full of steel balls that fly a
thousand meters - or one click -
a second, right at d*ck level.
CYRIL: Jeezy petes...
LANA: Or ass level, which in your case would also
take off your head.
So quit reading and pay attention.
CYRIL: But there's a lot of useful
stuff in here, organizational charts,
inventory and cash-flow analyses...
spreadsheets?
ARCHER: Of what, possible
outcomes with a twenty-sided die?
CYRIL: Well you don't need
a spreadsheet for that...
ARCHER: Yeah and you don't need
one to know you're gonna suck at
being a field agent Cyril.
So why do you wanna be one?
CYRIL: I dunno, I just wanna feel
like I'm a part of the team, ya know?
I guess I wanna...
feel like I matter more.
ARCHER: Wow, not afraid to dump out
your purse in the jungle, huh?
Okay Cyril, then lesson One-A.
In a potentially hostile environment,
like this, the key is total situational
awareness.
CYRIL: Okay...
ARCHER: You look, you listen, you smell.
And you remember to check your six.
CYRIL: My six what.
Is that my g*n?
The old six sh**t.
ARCHER: Oh my God, a clock
Cyril, It means behind you.
Because the last thing you want
is -- Uh Lana, hold up a sec?
LANA: Archer we don't have a -- Cyril?
ARCHER: Yeah, that's
why I said hold up.
LANA: Archer!
ARCHER: Don't yell at me, I looked away
for literally literally one second!
LANA: Well where the hell did he go?!
ARCHER: I dunno, it's like... he just...
LANA: You're looking for
Predator, aren't you?
ARCHER: Yes.
LANA: Couple things.
A, he's invisible --
ARCHER: Not totally, he has a telltale shimmer.
Ow!
LANA: And B, lower your frickin voice.
MAN: Á¡Oye!!
Manos arriba!
ARCHER: Is that Cyril?
MAN: ¿Quien es?!
ARCHER: No, it's not whimpery enough.
LANA: Cyril! Cyril!
God damn it.
ARCHER: Well, look on the bright side.
LANA: Which is?
ARCHER: Which is what?
LANA: What's the bright side?!
ARCHER: Oh.
That's a figure of speech.
ARCHER: All I'm saying is there are a
million green rectangularly reasons to
complete the mission, and
zero reasons not to.
LANA: You mean besides
Cyril getting captured.
ARCHER: Yeah! Besides that.
And if Calzado's men got Cyril, we'll
rescue him when we get Calzado.
Problemo solvedo.
LANA: What if it was F.A.R.K.
or V.E.L.N.
ARCHER: Then we'll use some of the
million dollar reward to pay his ransom.
So shut up, Cyril's going to be fine.
Unless a tiger ate him.
LANA: Tigers don't
live in South America.
ARCHER: Well at least one does because
I just heard its spine-tingling roar.
LANA: That was a jaguar, dumbass.
ARCHER: Thanks, Marlon Perkins.
I think I know a tiger when I hear one.
LANA: Every time, your big fat
mouth get's us caught, every time.
ARCHER: Not every time,
like a third of the time.
And a thousand bucks
that's a tiger Lana.
CHERYL/CAROL: If this doesn't
work we just paid a hundred
bucks for liquid fart.
PAM: Yeah, well here's
shit in your eye.
GILLETE: Oh god, it tastes
worse than it smells.
PAM: Man, if I had a nickel for every
time I heard a guy said that,
I'd have eight nickels.
LANA: Archer, I swear to
God if you don't shut up.
ARCHER: I'm just saying if it comes
down to that, and I hope it doesn't,
there's no sense in us
both getting r*ped.
CALZADO: Fernando, our special guests
must not be injured in any way.
ARCHER: Uh, does that include
r*pe related injuries?
CALZADO: Of course.
No one is going to r*pe you.
What is wrong with you?
LANA: We're scared.
We're just tourists, see,
and our car broke down.
CALZADO: So the as*ault weapons and plastic
expl*sives, why do you have these?
ARCHER: O.: yes, let me explain.
Busted, we're arms dealers.
CALZADO: No, I think not.
I Think you are hunting Roma¡n Calzado.
In the hopes of a
million dollar reward.
ARCHER: O.K. yes, busted again.
But I think now we're
kinda rethinking that.
CALZADO: So, if I give you two
million, will you go away
and say you never found me?
LANA: I -- Oh my God, totally yes.
ARCHER: Then we give mother a
million and you and I can
split the other million.
Calzado, you've got yourself a deal.
CALZADO: Excellent.
But of course I was joking.
Obviously I can not allow you to live.
ARCHER: No, yes you can.
CALZADO: Or choose not to, whatever,
besides, throwing money away like that
would not please el contador.
LANA: El contador, doesn't that mean.
CYRIL: The accountant, si.
ARCHER: Cyril?!
CALZADO: Que?
LANA: No he said cereal.
CALZADO: Que?
CYRIL: Cerealas.
El quiere desayuno.
CALZADO: And people in
hell want ice water.
Oye.
CYRIL: Pardon.
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh my God!
I'm gonna die in a toilet stall
just like the gypsy said.
PAM: Damn that Krieger.
n*zi-clone-bastard.
GILLETTE: Well, we don't
know it was the tea.
PAM: Aagh!
Who the hell are you?!
GILLETTE: I'm your friend,
Pam, I'm -- Pam?!
PAM: You're not my friend, you're a Decepticon.
CHERYL/CAROL: Waaaagh!
How are you both still alive?!
The floor is lava!
The floor is lava!
KRIEGER: Clinical trial thirteen.
Subjects' responses are
exceeding expectations.
GILLETTE: Pam you're melting!
You're melting!
CHERYL/CAROL: Because the
floor is lah-vuh-huhhhh!
PAM: Must! k*ll! Decepticon!
KRIEGER: Oh, which reminds me:
call Terry.
RROWWR!
ARCHER: The tiger says... RROWWR!
ARCHER: The tiger also says you
owe me a thousand dollars, so -
LANA: No! I don't!
Because I didn't bet!
ARCHER: The welsher says...
CYRIL: Psssst!
ARCHER: No, that's a snake.
CYRIL: Oh boy, am I
glad to see you guys!
LANA: Cyril, what the
hell's going on?!
ARCHER: Are you a drug
dealer now, or...?
CYRIL: What? No!
And you guys aren't gonna
believe what happened!
I had, um, gastric distress, or whatever,
so I was just gonna duck off the
trail...
ARCHER: And you remember to check your six.
CYRIL: My six what?
CYRIL: Before I knew what was happening...
Oh man, right in my new pants!
HENCHMAN: Á¡Oye!
CYRIL: Hellooo...
HENCHMAN:! Manos arriba!¿!
Quien es?!
CYRIL: And I only had a second to answer,
so I thought, what would Lana do?
ARCHER: Not Archer?
CYRIL: No, I had to outsmart them.
ARCHER: He said, suddenly too big
for his shit-caked britches.
LANA: Archer.
CYRIL: And then it came to me!
Uh... quien soy?
Soy el contador!
Enviado de La Sombra!
Donde esta¡ Calzado?!
ARCHER: What's a La Sombra?
CYRIL: Calzado's boss, don't
you remember the dossier?
ARCHER: No.
LANA: Yes.
But, what about the g*nsh*t?
CYRIL: Then they brought me here, and
I bluffed my way through the rest...
CALZADO: La Sombra did
not say you were coming.
CYRIL: Well, I assume he did not want to
give you the time to cook your books.
CALZADO: I -- that -- I
swear I don't do that!
CYRIL: Well, then you are a fool.
CALZADO: ¿Que?
CYRIL: You pay La Sombra sixty-four
cents on every dollar you make, no?
CALZADO: Mmmmas o menos, pero...
CYRIL: I can get that down to thirty cents,
and he will never even know.
CALZADO: Si?! Pero como?!
CYRIL: You just leave
that to me, amigo.
CALZADO: Wait, what's in this for you?
CYRIL: We split the
difference, of course!
But first I need some clean clothes.
This is not mud all over my pants.
It's caca.
LANA: Holy shit, Cyril!
ARCHER: Literally.
CYRIL: Yeah, really kinda wish I'd
skipped the diarrhea part...
LANA: Forget that, you did great!
CYRIL: Really?
ARCHER: It figuratively kills me to
say this Cyril, but yeah, you did.
LANA: So now what, what's the plan?
CYRIL: Oh. Well, I was hoping you
guys could come up with something.
And ideally before tomorrow at dawn.
ARCHER: Why, what's --
CALZADO: What is going on here?!
CYRIL: Ah, amigo!
I was just mocking this giant
negress and her sissy sidekick.
CALZADO: Yes, they are ridiculous, no?
Are the accommodations to your liking?
ARCHER: Honestly?
LANA: No.
You shouldn't even keep
animals in these conditions.
Look at them.
Cement floors, steel bars, no room to
run around, nothing to play with...
CALZADO: Ah, I think perhaps you
are confusing this with a zoo.
ARCHER: I think, maybe, it's
all these exotic animals.
CALZADO: Yes, exotic
animals for me to hunt.
LANA: You hunt them?!
How can you do that?!
CALZADO: Like this.
ARCHER: God damn dude.
CALZADO: But you see?
Even the majestic Bengal
tiger is too easy to k*ll!
It's boring!
Which is why tomorrow at dawn,
I will be hunting the most
dangerous game in the world!
ARCHER: Jai alai?
LANA: Us!
ARCHER: What?!
CALZADO: Si.
So sleep well, amigos!
I want you rested and
strong for tomorrow!
Venga, Senor Contador, cenamos juntos!
CYRIL: So yeah, try to think of a plan!
LANA: Well, go ahead and say it.
ARCHER: Say what.
LANA: How since we're gonna die in
the morning we should have sex now.
ARCHER: After seeing a
tiger get m*rder*d, Lana?
No offense, but I'm not
really in the mood.
If you want, I can watch
while you masturbate.
But I can tell you right now
my he's not gonna be in it.
It will be with that tiger's family.
But, go ahead, start.
CALZADO: And so begins the hunt
for the most dangerous game!
CYRIL: Hooray...
LANA: So what are the les here, exactly?
ARCHER: Lana be still.
CALZADO: You get a
thirty-minute head start.
Then El Contador and I, just us,
alone, will track you and k*ll you.
CYRIL: Uh, uh... oh!
Can they split up?
CALZADO: Ehhh, sure, why not.
CYRIL: Then I propose a friendly wager.
We each hunt one of them, and the first
to k*ll his quarry is the winner.
CALZADO: I like this idea.
But which --
CYRIL: I get the woman called it boom!
CALZADO: I -- alright,
since you called it.
¡Oye! Cochino...
Okay, let's hunt some humans!
LANA: Go go go go gunngh!
Are you really that selfish?!
ARCHER: Apparently!
KRIEGER: Clinical trial
thirteen, update.
As hypothesized, after
mind-shredding hallucinations,
subjects B and C have lapsed into deep
unconsciousness... Subject A, however,
remains at large.
Begin clinical trial fourteen...
CYRIL: Lana? Lana.
Where the heck is - shmmpf!
LANA: Don't scream, it's me.
CYRIL: Oh thank God, I thought those were yeti hands...
LANA: Never gets old.
But good idea back there,
getting everybody to split up.
CYRIL: Thanks, yeah, I figured you'd know
to head back to the, uh, LZ thingy --
LANA: Which we've only got
about an hour to get to so --
CYRIL: -- and I figured once I
found you we could work together
to rescue Archer, capture
Calzado, and escape.
LANA: Ya know, you don't
actually suck at this.
CYRIL: Really?
LANA: You're thinking tactically, making
quick decisions... and I gotta tell
ya, confidence is pretty damn sexy.
CYRIL: Reeally...
LANA: Theoretically.
CYRIL: Sorry.
LANA: Okay, you're doing pretty well
so far, so what's the plan, rookie?
And sooner would be better than later.
CYRIL: Yeah, Calzado's
on a darn threewheeler.
Can you believe that guy?
LANA: Who, the drug-lord who
hunts humans for sport?
CYRIL: I know, but that's just lame.
LANA: Cyril?
CYRIL: Uh, uh, okay, so we have to assume
Archer's heading back to the LZ too,
but he can't possibly outrun Calzado...
LANA: Yeah, neither can we, so...?
CYRIL: We don't need to outrun him!
Just Archer!
LANA: What?
CYRIL: Come on!
ARCHER: Oww!
Oh eat a d*ck, jungle!
Cover it with malaria and leeches,
sprinkle some dengue fever on it,
and eat a big g*dd*mn jungly d*ck!
Yeah, you do that, and I'll just wait
here for a bask of Orinoco crocodiles to
wander by and eat me.
Oh great, that's probably them now,
tearing around on specially-equipped
croc-choppers.
Wait, what the...?
Goddess of the Jungle,
I take it all back!
For when I was thirsty, you saw
fit to slake my thiiiiiirrrrst!
Goddess of the Jungle, you are a whore.
Oh thank God, I thought
you were crocodiles.
CALZADO: Crocodiles?
On a three-wheeler?
ARCHER: Right?
How scary would that be?
CALZADO: Mmm, probably not as scary as
knowing that I am going to cut you down
from there, and then
gut you like a fish.
ARCHER: Well then you're obviously an
idiot when it comes to crocodiles,
AKA the world's most
deadliest predators.
CALZADO: I am the world's
deadliest predator!
CYRIL: Or are you?
CALZADO: ÿQue?
ARCHER: Cyril?!
CALZADO: No breakfast for you!
CYRIL: No, that's my name, Calzado.
Cyril Figgis... !sis agent.
CALZADO: Bastardo mentiroso!
!sis?!
CYRIL: That's right.
And you're under arrest.
Albeit extra-judicially.
CALZADO: Over my dead body!
CYRIL: Well, that can be arranged.
Lana?
LANA: Hellooo... CALZADO: Ay, caramba...
ARCHER: Wh-? Wait a minute,
was I just bait?!
CYRIL: That's right, Archer.
All part of my brilliant plan.
Lana, get some vines and
tie him up, chop-chop.
LANA: Chop-chop?
ARCHER: Here we go...
CYRIL: Uh yeah, it means hurry?
C'mon, we got a chopper
to catch, tie him up!
LANA: You do it.
CYRIL: Okay, I see what
you're doing here.
Hands behind your back, Calzado.
CALZADO: Make me.
CYRIL: I -- look, she will sh**t you!
LANA: No I won't.
ARCHER: No she won't!
C'mon Cyril, go all rogue on him!
CYRIL: Guys c'mon, this
is ridicul -- ungh!
I think I'm gonna be -- ungh!
Yeah, I'm gonna be sick...
ARCHER: Here, maybe this'll help...
CYRIL: Aaagh! My eyes!
ARCHER: Probably shouldn't
have done that.
Not enough left to get drunk on.
CALZADO: Bastardo!
I k*ll you!
CYRIL: Lanaaaa!
CALZADO: What the hell damn guy.
CYRIL: Oh thank you thank you thank you...
LANA: You're welcome, Cyril.
So, did you learn any
valuable lessons today?
CYRIL: Yes, I did.
ARCHER: Me too.
I learned I don't like being bait.
CYRIL: Owww!
ARCHER: Sorry, Cyril, did that hurt?
Cyril. Cyril.
Cyriiillll!
CYRIL: Yes it frickin hurt!
ARCHER: Yeah, right?
MALORY: What?!
Yes, obviously I heard what you said!
I just can't believe the head of
the DEA has the balls to say it!
Oh, is that a fact!
Oh it is.
M-hm. Yep.
ARCHER: So, uh... How'd that go?
MALORY: Oh, fine.
He was just explaining to me why
!sis won't be receiving any
reward for capturing Calzado.
EVERYBODY: [ What?!]
Because apparently there's
no proof that we did.
LANA: We literally
handed Calzado to them!
MALORY: And in return, did they hand
you a signed receipt for the prisoner?
ARCHER: No, they -- oh.
LANA: Oh, shit.
MALORY: Mm. So, well done.
Because that's exactly the brand of
unparalleled professional excellence that
I've come to expect at !sis.
PAM: No no no no nooo!
ARCHER: What the --
CYRIL: Oh, I wish I was still blind.
PAM: You'll never take me aliiiive!
MALORY: What was I saying?
Oh yes, unparalleled...
KRIEGER: Paaaam!
For the love of God, seal the exits!
MALORY: Professional...
CHERYL/CAROL: That's our pee,
and that's the last I
better hear about it.
Because this stupid building is a tinderbox,
and I will burn it to the ground.
MALORY: Excellence.
ARCHER: Oh hey, speaking of excellent,
did you hear we met a tiger?!
But he got m*rder*d.
03x02 - Heart of Archness: Part II
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Series follows the exploits of a dysfunctional intelligence agency, centered on Sterling Archer and seven of his colleagues.
Series follows the exploits of a dysfunctional intelligence agency, centered on Sterling Archer and seven of his colleagues.