05x05 - The Peacemaker

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes, Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Everybody's got
a special kind of story

♪ Everybody finds a way to shine

♪ It don't matter
that you got not a lot

♪ So what

♪ They'll have theirs,
and you'll have yours

♪ And I'll have mine

♪ And together we'll be fine

♪ Because it takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Yes it does

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

- Yes, I'm listening, but
you're not saying much.

- Good morning.

- [All] Good morning, Arnold.

- Are you hungry?

- Oh, man.

I can smell Pearl's
pancakes all the way upstairs.

Where are they?

- Pearl's got 'em.

(audience laughing)

- If those pancakes
aren't comin' to Arnold,

Arnold is goin' to the pancakes.

- Yeah, come on.

- You and those
gorillas you call movers

chipped my dish.

It was a genuine antique.

Now it looks a 100 years old.

Oh, sorry about this folks.

Yes, I'm listening.

- Well, at least you
left me a plate to lick.

(audience laughing)

Want me to talk to them, Pearl?

- No, I've got
things under control.

$85 dollars!

You, sir, are a jerk!

He's impossible.

Will you talk to him?

- Oh, sure.

He oughta be easy, now
you got him softened up.

(audience laughing)

Hello?

No, I'm Phillip Drummond.

No, no, I'm not her lawyer.

I'm just a guy who's
trying to get his pancakes.

(audience laughing)

A neutral party
just trying to help.

- Boy, Pearl's really
steamed about that bowl.

- I don't blame her.

She said it was once
in the White House.

- Under whose bed?

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, well sure, I
understand your position.

Nobody wants the
short end of the stick.

But listen, surely
you will acknowledge

that Ms. Gallagher has
a right to be reimbursed.

- You'll never get anywhere
with that Mr. Nice Guy approach.

- Ah, well listen, let's
also agree that the bottom

line is we all want to avoid
small claims court if we can.

- You won't get anywhere
unless you stick it to him.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, will you
take $300 dollars?

- It's a deal.

- Looks like we got a deal here.

Yeah, well she'll
get in touch with you.

All right, you have
a nice day, too.

Bye.

- Oh hoo, thanks Mr. Drummond.

Oh, you're something else.

You know, when I
get that $300 dollars,

I'm gonna get you
a very nice present.

- Oh, you don't
have to do that, Pearl.

- Okay.

(audience laughing)

- Boy Dad, that
was terrific the way

you handled that
guy on the phone.

- Well, that was a
good warm up for me

for tomorrow for
my trip to Buffalo.

Union negotiations
can be very tough.

- Dad, you're really
a smooth-talkin' dude.

You're the Philip
Habib of Park Avenue.

- Philip Habib, isn't
that the guy who

owns our Armenian delicatessen?

(audience laughing)

- No, Arnold.

He's a negotiator who
helped end the w*r in Lebanon.

- Oh, that Philip Habib.

- Boy Dad, I wish I knew
how to wheel and deal

the way you do.

- Well, you could, son.

See, the important
thing is to get both sides

to agree on something
as soon as possible.

Sometimes I use something
as simple as the weather,

like ah, nice day, isn't it?

They agree.

Of course, that doesn't
work in a typhoon.

(audience laughing)

- I get it, Dad.

You just dazzle
'em with double talk.

- Should be easy
for you, Arnold.

- If that's a
compliment, thank you.

If that's an insult,
go suck an egg.

(audience laughing)

- Sorry, Mr. Drummond.

I only had enough batter
for three dollar size pancakes.

(audience laughing)

Looks like two dimes
and a nickel to me.

(audience laughing)

But thank you.

- Hey, Kimberly.

You got a sec?

- Sure Marco, what's up?

- You interested in
some nice jewelry?

- Yeah, what kind?

- Well, take a look at this.

(audience laughing)

- Wow, it looks like Sammy
Davis, Jr.'s overnight bag.

(audience laughing)

- Step right in and browse.

I got the best deals in town.

- [Kimberly] Where
did you get all this stuff?

- Well, ah, my
uncle's a wholesaler.

He gives me a couple items
to sell at student discounts.

You know, I pick up a
couple bucks on the side.

- That's great.

Ooh, these are beautiful.

- And they're you, baby.

And just $20 bucks.

- $20?

- Well, I'm having a special
locker-wide clearance sale.

You can have them for $10.

- $10 dollars?

That's a good buy, isn't it?

- Yeah, it's a steal.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, excuse me, Kimberly.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- In a minute, Willis.

- No, right now.

Excuse us, Marco.

- Oh, I'll see you later, okay?

- Now well you better hurry.

Bargains like mine go real fast.

(audience laughing)

- What is it, Willis?

- Kimberly, are you crazy?

You can't buy those earrings.

He's the local fence.

- You mean they're hot?

- Hot?

He needs a fire permit
to open his locker.

(audience laughing)

- Thanks, Willis.

You saved my ears
from getting b*rned.

- No sweat, Kimberly.

See you later.

- Bye.

(kids jeering)

(locker slamming)

- Hey Larry, what are you doin'?

That's my locker.

Give me the key.

- As of now this locker's mine.

b*at it, Billy.

- Says you.

You give me the key and
take your stuff out of there.

- You want it?

Try and take it, snapper face.

- Hey.

- Hey, we want it back, man.

This is our territory.

- It's not just the locker, man.

We're sick of you
grabbin' everything

that belongs to us.

- You're sick of me
grabbin' everything

that belongs to you, well tough.

- Yeah, well maybe
clowns would like to

settle this after school.

- I ain't got time.

I got a date with
your girlfriend.

(audience laughing)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Why don't we
settle it right now.

(kids yelling)

- Hey, wait a minute.

Could I talk to you
guys for a second?

- Who is this turkey?

- The name's Willis Jackson.

- Oh, Willis.

- So what?

- Well, I just couldn't
help but overhearing

a little disagreement.

- No disagreement.

(fingers snapping)

It's my locker.

- It's not (fingers
snapping) your locker.

It's my locker.

- It was an (snapping
fingers) extra locker

in the first place.

Now go find
yourself another one.

- Somebody's gonna
get an extra nose.

- Go ahead, hit 'em.

- Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

There must be a peaceful
solution to this problem.

It just calls for a
little give and take.

- Right.

You give me the key,
or I take you apart.

(audience laughing)

- The last thing you
need is for the principal

to find out you're both
fighting over a locker.

If that happens, nobody gets it.

You both wind up with
the short end of the stick.

- Okay, so what's your
solution, Mary Poppins?

(audience laughing)

Well, um, look it.

First of all, the weather
is much too nice

to be inside arguing like this.

It's a nice day, isn't it?

- What are you, the weatherman?

(audience laughing)

- No, I was just
making an observation.

- Hey, how about
making a little sense, huh?

- Well, I'll tell you what.

How about taking
turns using the locker.

You know, one of you
gets it every other week.

Now how is that idea?

- It stinks.

- It does need a little work.

- Hey, you know, why
don't you like butt out.

You're stoppin'
a good fight here.

(kids yelling)

- Wait guys, guys, guys, wait.

Wait guys, listen.

I'm sure I can come
up with a solution,

but it's gonna take time.

I mean, I'm no genius.

- We already figured that out.

(audience laughing)

- Well, Larry.

Why don't you give him the
key back just until tomorrow,

and I can come up
with something by then.

- No way.

I already got my personal
assets in this locker.

- And he don't want us
peeking at his coloring books.

(audience laughing)

- I'll tell you what,

why don't we just
declare this locker off-limits

until tomorrow
and I'll hold the key.

That way there
won't be any problem.

Well?

- It's okay by me.

- Okay, Mr. Albert Feinstein.

But you better come
up with a good solution

by tomorrow or else.

- Or else what?

- Or else this.

(fist slamming)

- Oh, that.

- All right, g*ng.

It's time for daddy to
shuffle off to Buffalo.

- All right, Dad.

- Have a nice trip, Dad.

- Don't dally, Mr. Drummond.

Your plane leaves at 5:28 sharp.

Chop, chop.

- Right, Pearl.

- Oh, your umbrella.

- Dad?

- Yeah?

- Isn't that suit a
little snug on you?

(audience laughing)

- Maybe a little bit,

but there's a very
good reason for that.

- You got a big pot?

(audience laughing)

- No, my pot's okay.

My problem's with
the back porch.

This is my good luck suit.

I have worn this suit to
every major negotiation

I've ever been involved in.

- Oh, Dad.

Listen, I gotta talk to you.

It's real important.

- Uh-huh.

- You see, I kind of
got caught in the middle

of a disagreement at school,

and I volunteered
to be a negotiator.

- Well, good for you.

- Your plane, Mr. Drummond.

Tempest fidgets.

- Right, Pearl.

- Okay, Dad, could you
lay a little advice on me?

- Yes, now that you've asked,

I'll give you some advice.

- Great.
- I think that...

- Mr. Drummond, you
asked me to remind you

and you're not moving.

- Dad, you better move
before she bulldozes you

out the door.

(audience laughing)

- I'm moving, I'm moving.

Look, Pearl.

I'm movin'.

(audience laughing)

- That's better.

Can't let up for a
minute around here.

- Goodbye, kids.

I'll only be gone
for a couple of days.

Willis, I'll call you tomorrow
to see how that's going.

- Okay.

- Bye, Daddy.

Don't worry about
us, we'll be just fine.

- [Arnold] Good luck, Dad.

- Okay, thank you.

- [Kimberly] I love you, Daddy.

- [Phillip] Bye bye.

- [Kimberly] Bye.

- Well, looks like I'm gonna
have to handle this on my own.

- You can do it, Willis.

You've got a very convincing
way of expressing yourself.

- Yeah, nobody can
sling it like my brother.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, guys.

How you doin'?

- Hey, you believe
this scum ball?

He's even got the
nerve to show up today.

- Hey, what's goin' on?

I got a solution
to your problem.

- You're the one with
the problem, buddy.

(audience laughing)

- Hey Jackson, you want
to steal, that's your business.

But when you steal from
us, that's our business.

- Wait a minute, what
are you guys talkin' about?

- Don't play dumb.

Empty locker, you got
the key, the only key.

- Now wait a minute.

I haven't been near that
locker since yesterday.

And this key
hasn't left my sight.

- Sure, tell us all about it.

- Oh, yeah.

I believe ya.

You didn't do nothin'.

You were asleep while the
key fairy came into your house

and stole the key
from under your pillow

and broke into our
lockers, right guy?

(kids jeering)

- Look, Jackson.

I want my stuff
and I want it now.

- Wait a minute, I
don't have your stuff.

I told you, I don't
know anything about it.

- Hey Lar, I think the
chump's lying through his teeth.

- No problem.

He ain't gonna
have 'em for long.

- My boo...

(bell ringing)

- Your teeth, your teeth,
your teeth, your teachers.

- Hi, Kathy.

- Can I go to class, teacher?

(audience laughing)

- Cool it, man.

Let's take it easy.

We'll get him later.

We'll get him later.

- Okay, see you soon, Jackson.

Just remember,
when I settle a score,

it stays settled.

- Yeah, I'll remember.

(slapping)

Oh, okay.

(audience laughing)

Damn.

(locker slamming)

- I saw what went down, Willis.

You're in serious trouble, man.

- Yeah, but I didn't
rip off anything.

- Hey, I know that
and you know that,

but they think you did it.

They way I see it,
you've just put yourself

on the endangered species list.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, Marco.

- I'm serious, man.

Don't you know
about crazy Larry?

- What about him?

- Well, the guy's a
looney-tunes, you know?

Mental problems.

He stayed back a
whole year of school

'cause ah, you know?

(audience laughing)

- Are you serious?

- Last time somebody crossed
him, you know what he did?

- What?

- You don't want to know.

(audience laughing)

- That bad, huh?

- The guy's an animal.

I heard he broke
into one guy's place

and got him right
in his own bed.

(audience laughing)

- Do you, um, think
he'll come after me?

- Well if I were you, man,

and I am glad I'm not,

I'd get myself some protection.

- Protection?

- Like this.

- Hey, that's a g*n!

- Shh, I, I know
it's a g*n, dummy.

- No way, I could
never sh**t anybody.

- Yeah, maybe you won't have to,

but why take a chance?

You gotta protect yourself.

- I don't know, Marco.

- Okay, it's your life.

- My life?

- What's left of it.

(audience laughing)

- Wait a minute, Marco.

How much you want for the g*n?

- Well, seein' as
you're a friend in need,

I'll let you have
it for $85 bucks.

- $85 bucks!

Man, I don't have
that kind of money.

- Well, how much you got?

- $20 bucks.

- Close enough.

(audience laughing)

Look, I'll rent it to ya
until this thing blows over,

'cause I'm worried about you.

You're doin' the
smart thing, Willis.

- That's a real g*n, Willis.

- Be careful, it's
loaded with real b*ll*ts.

- Don't worry.

You're lookin'
at a real chicken.

(audience laughing)

Willis, you've gotta be crazy.

If Dad knew you had
a g*n, he'd sh**t you.

(audience laughing)

- He's not gonna know.

But I gotta protect myself.

I mean, this maniac
might try to break in here.

- What you talkin'
about, Willis?

(audience laughing)

- I'm talkin' about those
guys at school, Arnold.

Man, they really play hardball.

- That's some
negotiator, Willis.

The only thing you got
those guys to agree on

was rub out Willis.

(audience laughing)

- Listen, I heard about
one guy they were after,

got him right in his own bed.

You know what they did to him?

- What?

- You don't want to know.

(audience laughing)

- Man, I better get outta here.

Think I'll sleep in the
washin' machine tonight.

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- [Pearl] It's Pearl.

I just wanted to say goodnight.

- Come in, Pearl.

- Hi, I'm off to Mother's.

I'll be back in the morning.

- Say hi to her for us.

- On second thought, I'll
go and say hi in person.

That's my kind of mother.

Mother of Pearl.

(audience laughing)

- But Arnold, she's
way out in Hoboken.

- That's okay, I
speak the language.

- You'll stay
right here, Arnold.

Have a nice evening
with your mother, Pearl.

- Oh, I always do.

We have a nice, little
dinner and then we have

a quiet chat over a cup of tea,

and then we go out
and hit the singles bars.

(audience laughing)

Bye.

- [Willis] Bye, Pearl.

- [Arnold] Bye.

- Bye.

Well, little brother, what do
you say we watch some TV?

- TV oughta watch us.

We're liable to have
more sh**t' goin' on

around here than they do.

- Now, Arnold,
nobody's gonna get hurt.

I mean, worst comes to worst,

we'll hold 'em off at the
door until help comes.

- Wait a minute,
what's this we stuff?

(audience laughing)

(banging)

What was that?

- Eh, I think that
was Pearl leavin'.

Arnold, will you knock it off?

Man, you're starting
to make me nervous.

- I'm sorry, Willis.

I'm just a mess.

Just one giant goose pimple.

(audience laughing)

Willis, Willis, wake up.

Willis.

- [Willis] What?

- Willis.

- What?

- I think I just heard a noise.

- Are you sure?

What did it sound like?

- It sounded like a
guy about six foot five,

210 pounds, bloodshot
eyes, and big, hairy arms

with a pair of meat hooks
that could rip ya in half.

(audience laughing)

(laughing)

- Oh, Arnold.

You're just imagining things.

Go back to sleep.

(laughing)

Ah.

How tall did you say he was?

(audience laughing)

(banging)

- Don't tell me
you didn't hear that.

- That I heard.

- It's your hit man, Willis.

What are we gonna do?

- Now, Arnold, now
just stay calm, now.

It, it might be Kimberly
downstairs getting a snack.

I'll go check her room.

Arnold, she's in her
room fast asleep.

- Then there's very little
chance that she's downstairs.

(audience laughing)

It must be the rub out guy.

Go down there and
offer him a snack.

- What?

- Chainsaw K*llers are
always a lot friendlier

on a full stomach.

(audience laughing)

- There's somebody
down there all right.

They're not gonna
get us without a fight.

- Wait a minute, Willis.

Wait a minute.

There's gotta be a better idea.

You throw yourself on
his mercy while I run.

(audience laughing)

- I'm goin' down there, Arnold.

- Then I'm goin', too.

- No, you stay here.

- No way, Jose.

(audience laughing)

We came in this house together
and we gonna go out together.

I just hope we don't
go out on a stretcher.

(audience laughing)

- All right, come on.

What are you gonna
do with the hair brush,

spank him?

(audience laughing)

- That's better, but
what's the blanket for?

- It's my security blanket.

If I ever needed
security, it's now.

(audience laughing)

Besides, you can use
it to cover the body.

- Whose body?

- You don't want to know.

(audience laughing)

- He's in the den.

- I think I hear his bad breath.

(audience laughing)

(stairs creaking)

(gasping)

- Shh!

Stop it!

- Right.

- Come on.

Quit pushin' me.

Let go.

- [Arnold] Right.

- Don't sh**t!

Don't sh**t!

(audience laughing)

- Dad!

- Willis, what are you doing?

- Give me that thing.

What the hell are
you doing with a g*n?

- What are you
doing back so soon?

- Be careful, Dad.

That's loaded.

- Not anymore, it isn't.

- Willis, what has
gotten into you?

- Dad, I'm really sorry.

- Yeah, we thought
you were the trigger man

who was comin'
to ventilate Willis.

(audience laughing)

- What in the world
are you talking about?

- Somebody robbed one of
the guy's lockers at school

and they think I did it,
so I had to protect myself.

- Willis, a g*n doesn't
solve any problems.

All it does is create more.

Look, I'm responsible
for the protection

of this whole family.

Do I keep a g*n in the house?

No.

You're just lucky
this thing turned out

the way it did.

Otherwise, you and Arnold
might be orphans again,

and this time you'd have
Kimberly along with you.

- Yeah, that was
really stupid of me.

- Yeah, that was
really stupid of you.

(audience laughing)

- Where on earth did
you ever get a g*n, Willis?

- At school.

- Oh, great.

What do they do?

Issue you to them now
when you get your gym suit?

I suppose you can
get hand grenades

out of the candy machine.

You and I are gonna go
down there tomorrow morning

and talk to that
principal and find out

whether he knows his
school is being used

as a munitions dump.

- Hey, Jackson.

Bring back that stuff you
lifted out of my locker?

- Man, I told ya, I didn't take
anything out of your locker.

- Are those the boys, Willis?

- Yeah, Dad.

The big ape is crazy Larry.

Oh, be careful of him.

- What's he gonna do?

s*ab me with one
of his sideburns?

(audience laughing)

- I want to talk to you boys.

What do you mean by
threatening Willis's life?

- We didn't, but
it's a good idea.

Who are you?

- I'm his father
and I'm damn mad.

- You're his father?

- And I'm damn mad.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, man.

We don't k*ll anybody.

We just make 'em
wish they were dead.

- My son went out and
got a g*n to protect himself.

- A g*n?

Who are you kiddin'?

- What do you call this?

- Hey, that's my
g*n from my locker.

That proves you
ripped me off, Jackson.

- No way.

I got that g*n from Marco.

- From Marco?

Hey, Marco.

I want to talk to ya.

Where's the rest
of my stuff, fink?

- Okay, hold it, crazy.

I mean Larry.

(audience laughing)

Now there's gotta be a
better way to handle this.

- Sure, he's got it.

Here's some more of my stuff.

- We'll deal with Marco later,

but what are you
doin' with a g*n, man?

- You know we don't mess
around with g*ns, Larry.

Remember what
happened to my brother?

- Hey, I found it, okay?

So I figured I'd keep it.

You know, just in case.

- What are you, crazy?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I am.

- Hey, Jackson.

Look, this is all a
little misunderstanding.

- Oh, come on, Dad.

Give 'em a break, huh?

- I am.

I should be calling the police.

- Police?

- Yeah.

- Dad! Dad!

You're alive!

- Arnold, what are
you doing here?

You're supposed to be in school.

- He was so worried about you,

he came looking for you.

- I thought you'd be
lying in the bushes

all riddled with b*ll*ts
and splattered with blood.

(audience laughing)

And your sunglasses hanging
off the end of your nose.

- No, Arnold, we're okay.

- Yeah, Dad and
Willis look fine.

- Maybe they got
internal injuries.

Did they use brass
knuckles or rubber hoses?

- Arnold, I'm fine.

You sound disappointed.

- Well, as long
as I've cut school,

could we go to the zoo?

(audience laughing)

- Arnold.

- On second thought,

why don't I just get
my butt back to school.

Bye.

(audience laughing)

(audience applause)

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means

♪ Then along come two,
they got nothing but their jeans

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes, Diff'rent Strokes

♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Yes it does

♪ It takes, Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world

♪ Mmmm

(upbeat instrumental music)