02x10 - Father Is a Dope

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: scott paper company
takes pleasure in presenting...

Robert young...

And jane wyatt.

With elinor donahue, billy
gray, and lauren chapin...

I can make $2 million!

Just think of it, hazel!

A cool two million
little old smackeroos!

Uh-huh.

Great scott, woman!
Is that all you can say...

"Uh-huh"... With a fortune
staring us in the face?

I'm sorry, george. I was
thinking of the milkman.

He said the bill
is overdue again.

Gee!

All right, all right.

I know you think fred is
conning me into a gyp deal,

But I know there's
uranium there!

I personally heard this
geiger counter click

Like international convention
of castanet players.

Look, would fred gyp
me... His own neighbor?

Oh, these ridiculous tv
family situation shows.

All: shh!

Hazel, stop worrying!

Stop worrying, baby
doll. When I come back,

We'll be the owners of
50 acres of uranium land!

Little georgy knows
what he's doing.

Hiya, pop! Hiya, son.

I'll see you later, sweetheart.

I gotta get...

Bub, what are you
doing in that getup?

Just going out to
see if I can get a job

On the road g*ng.

Bub, no son of mine has
to work on a road g*ng.

What's the idea?

O heard you were going
into another deal with fred.

Now, wait a minute.

Mama?

Do you think I could get
much money for these?

Oh, I didn't know you
were still here, papa.

Cindy honey, you won't
have to sell all your clothes.

I'm sure daddy will be able
to support us... Someway.

How dumb can a guy be?

Here I was, ready to risk the
security of our little ones,

Rob them of their peace of mind,

Just for a fool's
quest for easy riches.

And to think that it took
them to open up my eyes.

They're priceless.

And we're good actors,
too, aren't we, mama?

Especially me!

I thought bub hammed
his part up too much.

Doll baby!

You're the most of the mostest!

It's bad enough I have to sit
around suffering from a cold,

I have to suffer
through that bunk, too.

I thought that was pretty good.

Poor old george.

How come mothers are so
much smarter than fathers?

Only on television are they.

They've got poor
old george so dumb

He could pour
cider out of a boot

If the instructions
were printed on the heel.

He's so stupid, his brilliant
wife doesn't dare tell him

He's pulling another
calamitous boner.

No. She has to trick him,

Use the children as tools.

Heh. Everybody's
smarter than the old man.

They ought to change
the title of that show

From father does it
again to father is a dope.

I'm gonna take my
medicine and go to bed.

That is, if I have enough
brains to find the stairs.

They're right over here.

I know where they are.

Man: quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack!

Quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack!

Quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack!

Quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack!

Hi, jim! How do you
like my fancy decoy?

Hey, that looks good.

What'd you do,
get some new ones?

No, just painted it.

And you and I are gonna
paint all the rest of them

Because we're going
hunting tomorrow.

We are?

Oh, hi, honey.

Did I hear something
about hunting?

Oh, ed was sort of
kicking the idea around.

But he hates to go alone, so...

So I wondered if I
might go along, too...

You know, just to sort
of keep him company.

Well, don't act
so guilty about it.

I think it's a
wonderful idea. You do?

Certainly.

That is, if you
feel well enough.

You were in bed several
days with that cold.

Oh, I feel fine now.

Won't you be sleeping on
the damp ground in a tent

And squatting in
a wet duck blind?

Well, I feel okay. But if you
don't want me to go, I'll give it up.

Oh, that's not it at all.

If you feel up to it, I
think it's a wonderful idea.

You don't get to go
hunting very often,

So... Why don't you
plan on it? Yeah.

Tell myrtle to call me.

Maybe she and I can do something

While you two hunters are away.

Okay, I will.

She doesn't want me to go.

What? She just told
you to plan on it.

It's as plain as day. She thinks
I'm not well enough to go,

But naturally I'm too
stupid to realize that.

So, she has to plan
the indirect approach,

Trick me into not going.

Do you know where
they pick up these ideas?

On that tv box.

You know what's going on
inside my house right now?

Margaret and the kids are
holding a meeting on strategy,

Planning the whole
insidious campaign.

Operation keep papa home.

Well, jim, if you think
you shouldn't go...

Look, ed, you get a
paintbrush ready for me.

I'll be back as soon
as I change my clothes.

You and I are leaving at
daybreak tomorrow, see?

Oh, father, you're just
the one I want to see.

Why, what's up, princess?

Janie, I've got to talk
to father. See you later.

I'm going to get a job!

Yes, and I know
where... On a road g*ng.

A road g*ng? No, father.

It's a sort of secretarial job

At a big tire recapping firm.

That's even better.

It's not funny, it's serious.

I have to go for an
interview tomorrow,

And I'm scared to
death. I sure wish that...

That I'd go with you?

Would you? Hmm.

Isn't it strange that you, who's
always been so independent,

So afraid I'm gonna
interfere with your plans,

Should suddenly become a
dependant, shy, little violet?

Father, they say this
manager's very mean,

And furthermore, i...

Furthermore, this
would keep old dad

From going hunting tomorrow.

Oh, are you going hunting?

Yes, I am.

Oh, I'm sorry, father.
I didn't know that.

I don't want to spoil your trip.

I'll manage somehow.

Didn't know.

I hear dad coming.
Should I ask him?

No. I told you not to
say anything to him.

Just get on the phone and
say what I told you to say.

Oh, all right.

Hi, daddy. Hello, kitten.

Margaret, have you
seen my duck call?

Your what?

Duck call. It's like a
moose call, only for ducks.

About this long... Hello, janet?

This is kathy.

And I can't come to
your party tomorrow.

My dad is going hunting,

So I won't have any way
to come to your house.

Yeah, me, too, janet.

But that's the way
the ball bounces.

Bye.

Now, isn't that a shame?

You're going to
miss that fine party.

It's all right, daddy. I didn't
much want to go anyway.

Besides, I don't want you to have
to stay home from your hunting trip.

Oh, certainly not.

Of course, your
mother's certainly capable

Of driving you
over to their place.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Well, i, uh... Figured
there'd be a reason.

You and ed are taking our car.

No, we're going in ed's.

That's all been changed.

I just talked to myrtle,
and she needs theirs

To drive over to hillsborough
to see her sister-in-law,

Who fell off a beer truck
and broke her collarbone.

Her husband works for a brewery,

And he was showing her a
new truck they just bought.

Oh, it's an accident that
could happen to anyone.

Oh, honey, doesn't it
strike you as being strange

That this party
came up so suddenly?

Well, that's janet's
mother for you.

Everything's a
last-minute affair.

Actually, I'm just as
glad kathy's not going.

Oh, sure.

Well, I'll be next door.

Hi, dad. I hear
you're going hunting.

Why, yes. Gee, that's swell.

Oh! Ooh! Aah!

Oh, no, this is too much.

Bud, what's the matter?

Gosh, I don't know.
Every once in a while,

I get a stabbing pain
right about here.

Or maybe it's back... Oh!
Uhh! There it goes again!

This sounds pretty, uh, serious.

Oh, boy, it is.

I can't even raise
my arm that high.

You can't, huh?

Well... I don't dare raise
it any higher than that.

What happens if
you raise it this high?

Ow! Jim!

Bud, is it really that bad?

What do you think
we should do for him?

I think we should
award him an oscar

For an academy-award-
winning performance.

I'll be next door
painting ducks.

I tell you, ed, you've
never seen such acting.

Oddly enough, kathy
was the most convincing.

And old bud... Heh!

Old bud hammed it up but good.

Sounded like a rehearsal for that
television show... Father does it again.

Father is a dope, I call it.

Oh, yeah. That's pretty
true-life stuff on that show.

Yeah, about as true-life
as a three-dollar bill.

The thing I resent is they
think they have to trick me

Into not going.

Why do they have
to be so devious?

Always have to go clear
around casey's barn. Tell me that.

Well, now... Myrtle uses a
little different approach.

She'd say, "ed, get back
in the house, you big oaf.

You ain't goin' anyplace."

Well, boy, you're lucky.

Heh heh.

What's the proper
technique on this stuff?

The proper technique is
to fill all the pellet holes

With plastic wood.

Then you sand it down and
give it a coat of linseed oil.

Then you paint the colors
on with dull, flat paint,

So there won't
be any reflections.

You do all that?

No, I just slap
some paint on it.

Well, that's my technique, too.

But they come out
pretty good, I think.

That kid there
looks so lifelike,

I keep expecting him to
start squawking and fly away.

Yeah.

Is this the duck call you
were looking for, daddy?

Yes, that's it. Where'd
you find it, honey?

Mommy found it. She
wanted me to give it to you.

I see. And, uh, what are
you supposed to say?

I'm not supposed
to say anything.

You're supposed
to say "thank you."

Huh? Oh, yes. Ha ha! Thank you.

Guess you got kind
of mixed up, huh, daddy?

Yeah, kind of.

What are you doing? Making toys?

No, these are decoys...
Devices of deception.

A subject your mother could
explain to you very nicely.

They're what?

They're imitation ducks, kathy.

Can't you get real ones anymore?

We use these to
get the real ones.

You see, we float
these in a pond,

Then we hide in a blind
until some ducks fly over.

They look down and
think these are real,

So they drop down for a visit,

And wham! We've got 'em!

Sounds like a
pretty sneaky trick.

No worse than some other
tricks being pulled around here.

Kathy?

Where you going, honey?

I thought I'd better pick
up some groceries now,

While the car's still here.

You'll be leaving before the
stores open in the morning.

You're still planning
no going, aren't you?

Planning? Oh, it's much
beyond the planning stage now.

There is no known force nor plot

That can stop me now.

Well, good.

I was afraid you'd feel
you should stay home

Because of the way bud's
feeling and everything.

No, I'm rising above
all that very nicely.

Well, I'm glad. Come on,
kathy. Better come with me.

We'll pick up a gift for janet,

Just in case we figure out a
way for you to go that party...

Which I doubt.

"Which I doubt."

Such frauds.

I know good and well she has
enough groceries in the house

To last for a week.

She's just doing this to
make it sound more difficult.

Jim, are you sure you
want to go on this trip?

Now, wait, ed. Don't you start
falling for their little schemes.

I'm the one they're
working on, not you.

And I think I've made it
pretty plain to her so far

That her little schemes
aren't working at all.

I just wonder
what she'll try next

To keep me from going.

Ed, she's gone
too far this time.

You and I are
leaving in the morning

If we have to crawl every
step of the way on broken glass.

Ohh, gosh.

How long does it take them
to straighten out a fender?

Hey, jim got the car down there
right at 8:00 this morning, didn't he?

Oh, I'm sure he was there
before they even opened.

Maybe I did more damage
to the car than we thought.

Oh, I'm sorry to
spoil your plans.

I know you wanted to
get started by daybreak.

Well, going late is better than
crawling over broken glass.

What did you say?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I still can't figure out how I
ran into that fence last night.

Actually, I'm a very
careful driver.

Yeah, that's what jim said.

He thought it was odd that
such a thing would happen

After all these years
with no accidents...

And at this
particular time, too.

It almost looks as
though I did it deliberately

To keep jim from going.

And you know something?
Jim sort of acts

As if that is exactly
what happened.

Well, my goodness! I
wouldn't do a thing like that.

No, of course not.

If I didn't want him to do it,

I certainly wouldn't
resort to a trick like that.

What trick would you res...
I mean, what would you do?

What I would do would be...

Oh, he finally made it!

You'd better get out there.

We've got to hit the road.

You got it fixed okay, boy?

They fixed it up
so I can drive it,

But I'll have to
take it back monday.

We'd better get packed.

My gear's in the
driveway, all ready.

Bud: hey, mom. Bring
me some more medicine.

Heh. Right on cue, the minute
I walk through the door.

Bud: mom! Yes, bud, I'm coming.

Better be on your guard.

Now that the smashed
fender scheme failed,

I think margaret
has some other trick.

Another five minutes, and I
could've pried it out of her.

Don't worry. Whatever
it is, I can handle it.

You'd better go out
and start loading. Okay.

And get your stuff
as quick as you can.

And don't give them too much
opportunity to work on you.

Don't worry. Old jim
knows what he's doing.

Oh! Uhh!

Now, come on, bud.
Nothing can be that bad.

Ooh, that junk is. Ohh!

I think I'd better
call dr. Conrad.

No, mom! Not yet. I...

Well, maybe I'll get
better by this afternoon.

I'll suffer through it.

Well, I don't like the
way you're coughing.

Oh, I don't know. I think he's
doing remarkably well at it.

By the way, bud, how can
you stand so much suffering?

It isn't easy.

You're doing very
nicely, though.

By the way, where did
that cough come from?

I thought your trouble
was pains in the chest.

Well, that sort
of comes and goes.

Oh, sure.

Jim, I'm gonna call the doctor.

No, mom!

Uh, I have a better
idea... Sure cure.

Bud, why don't you get
up and go hunting with us?

Jim! Gosh, mom! Do
you think I could?

Certainly not. You're sick.

But, mom, i... Oh! Oh,
there it goes again.

Now, dear, that wasn't fair.

Oh, that wasn't
fair? Of course not.

What kind of father are
you, teasing him like that?

What kind? Just the regulation
simple-minded stumblebum father

You see on your tv set.

How do you do, sir?
I'm the girl who... No.

How do you do, sir? My
name is betty anderson,

And I've had two semesters
of typing and shorthand

And one semester of bookkeeping.

Dictation? Oh, yes, I'm very
fast at taking dictation.

Well, that is, I'm pretty fast.

Well, I'm average you might say.

Oh, I can't hardly
take it at all.

Very good!

I thought you might've
broken down a little more

When you heard me
coming down the hall,

But outside of that,
it was very good.

Father, this isn't funny.

I'm scared to death to go
down for this interview.

They say this man's a real ogre.

By the way, what's the name of
this ogre you're supposed to meet?

You never did tell me.

It's an awfully odd name.

Well, I'm sure of
that, but what is it?

It doesn't sound believable.

Well, you know us fathers...

We'll believe anything.
What's his name?

Mr. Keedlecot.

I couldn't have thought
up a better one myself!

I didn't think it up!
That's his real name!

Oh, of course. I
know him very well.

Casper kettledrum keedlecot.

Oh, stop it, father. You think I'm
trying to fool you or something?

Heavens, no.

Does old george...
Lovable meathead of tv...

Ever suspect his
children are fooling him?

Of course not.

We fathers are pretty dumb,

But we're smart enough to know

That you're undermining
us only for our own good.

Say hello to
mr. Koddlekit for me.

Hurry up, jim. We
gotta get out of here.

Ed, you should've been in there.

The kids' performances were even
better than they were yesterday.

Did margaret spring her
new flank attack on you?

No, I think she's saving
that as an ace in the hole

In case everything else fails...

Which it will, I guarantee you.

Well, there's nothing to
stop us now, I don't think.

We got everything. I
double-checked the gear.

You got gas, didn't
you? Yes, oil, the works.

Well, come on, boy.
Let's get out of here.

We're hours late now.

Kathy: daddy!

Uh-oh. Here it comes.
The flank attack.

The ace in the hole.
The shock troops.

Don't pay any attention.
Pretend you don't hear her.

Wait a minute, daddy! This
is something important!

Can't hear you, kitten.
See you later! Good-bye!

Bye, kathy! Step on it, boy.

But, daddy!

Don't you want to take
this with you? No, no!

It's your hunting license.

Huh? Oh, yes. Thank you, kitten.

I want to kiss you
good-bye, daddy.

Don't do it. It's a trap.

I want to kiss you, daddy.

No, jim, no.

Bye, daddy. Have a nice time.

Oh, boy, that was a
close call. Let's get going.

Hey, get the car started!

I was just thinking...
Have you noticed

How subtle their campaign is?

It's so subtle, I don't
even understand it.

Not once... Not
once, mind you...

Has one of them
said, "don't go."

Well, then go!
Nobody's stopping you!

That's the trouble right there.

Maybe that's what
they're banking on.

I feel just like a prisoner
who suddenly discovers

The prison gates open
and no guards around,

But he's afraid to walk out

Because he knows
he's walking into a trap.

Oh, jim, you're
driving me crazy.

Let's get out of here before
the prison gates close!

Yeah, you're right.

And don't stop for
anything, no matter what!

Keep going!

I'm sorry, dr. Conrad.
It's my fault.

I didn't see you there.

Well, I didn't realize
that you were coming out,

Or I wouldn't have
parked in the driveway.

Not much damage done, though.

Our bumpers are locked.

I'll take care of
that. It's uncanny.

How could that woman
have timed this so perfectly?

What did you say, jim?

Hmm? Oh, nothing.

Okay, doc, you go on in and
look at bud. I'll be right in.

I wouldn't miss this
examination for anything.

Yeah... All right, jim.

I have to go into the
house for a minute.

Do you have to?

Margaret overplayed her
hand when she called dr. Conrad.

In her desperation, she
forgot that he's a man of ethics.

He's not gonna play a
part in this little tv drama?

I knew we'd never go hunting.

Yes, we will.

See if you can get these
cars unlocked. I won't be long.

Okay.

Feel any soreness here? Mm-mm.

Here? Mm-mm.

How about here? Mm! Mm!

Aha.

Try this, doctor.

Careful! Thank you, kathy.

You little... Bud!

Well, doc, have
you come to any, uh...

Interesting conclusions?

Yes, I have, jim.

This boy ought to be taken
upstairs and put to bed.

Huh? Oh, now, wait
a minute. Surely...

His fever is not too high,

But he should be put to bed.

The cold has
settled in his chest

And he has a
slight touch of flu.

You mean he really...

Better get this
filled right away, jim.

Yeah, right away.

Maybe we'd better get a
prescription for you, too.

Hmm? Wait a minute. Wait
just a minute, doc. I feel fine.

I've been watching you, jim.

You're very tense and nervous.

Not like yourself at all.

I'm okay, I feel fine.

Yeah, well, you
know what I suggest?

Look, I'm not going to bed.
It's bud we're concerned about.

Well, I'd suggest that you
get away for a few days

And go hunting or something.

Huh?

Uh, look after the boy.

If he isn't better
tomorrow, call me.

I certainly will, doctor.

So long, bud.

Better take my advice, jim,

Or we'll have you
in bed with bud.

Okay, doc.

Just call me george.

Hey, jim. Jim.

Excuse me for butting in, but...

Jim: hey, did you get
the doc's car unhooked?

Yeah, it's okay.
But listen, jim.

If we don't hurry, I'm the
one who's gonna get trapped.

Myrtle's trying to make me
thing she's sprained her ankle

And can't drive.

So she wants me to
drive her to hillsborough.

So, if we don't
get out of here...

Ed, I'm ashamed of you.

You get right home and
take care of myrtle. Huh?

Besides, I'm not going anyway.

I have a prescription
I have to get filled.

And... Kathy...

You'd better go upstairs
and put your party dress on

Because I'm gonna take you
over there as soon as I get back.

You will? Oh, goody!

Where's betty? Betty!

Yes? What is it, father?

If you'll give me time
to change my shirt

When I get back
from the drug store,

We'll go down and
tackle your mr., Uh...

Heh! Keedlecot.

Oh, would you? Oh, I'd feel
so much better if you would.

Dear, I hate to have you
miss out on your hunting trip.

I want you to go. I know you do.

Finally.

And, honey, I want
to apologize to you.

Apologize? What for?

I hope you never find out.

Mother, don't you really know

What father was apologizing for?

Of course not.

It's amazing the
ideas some men pick up

Watching that tv box.

George: oh, no, no.
What's that again?

Oh, no, no, it can't be!

We'll, didn't he
leave any message?

Oh, no!

Ohh! Hazel! Hazel!

Oh, hazel, he's gone.

Mr. Swindler checked
out of the hotel!

He's going to south america!

He has, dear?

Oh, brother, did I
pull a lulu this time!

Oh, don't worry, george.

Don't worry? Do you realize he's
taken the plans for my invention?

Ohh!

You mean these, daddy?

Huh?

Where did these come from?

Some of our things got mixed up,

And my arithmetic papers
got into the envelope

Mr. Swindler took with him.

Uhh... How could
such a mix-up ever...

Oh ho ho ho!

Ohh!

Doll baby!

You're most of the mostest!

You guys, that was
pretty good, wasn't it?

Yeah, but I'll tell
you one thing.

That tv show was way
off its base this time.

They made george
entirely too smart.

Believe me, we fathers don't
have half that many brains.