Phil, this is a momentous
occasion for you.
Tonight the Smithsonian
Institution is adding
a piece of your bar to
its permanent collection.
You must be proud.
Oh, yeah.
When they asked if
they could have the door
off the stall in
the men's room,
I thought, well once again,
something exciting
is happening
at Phil's Bar and Grill
th St
Where the elite meet to eat.
Open till AM.
Phil, it's said that more than
Washington luminaries,
including presidents, have
signed the stall door.
That's right.
The tradition started
with Woodrow Wilson,
whose favorite burger was
the classic bacon and cheese.
Still available
for only $ . .
At Phil's Bar and Grill
th Street
Ample parking in the rear.
Ah, yes,
The man is in his element.
Isn't he?
Regaling the press with stories
of all the powerful and famous
who've passed through here.
Miles, you haven't heard a
word I've said, have you?
Oh, oh, uh,
I'm sorry, Jim.
I guess I'm feeling guilty
for not bringing Audrey tonight.
We've been seeing a
lot of each other lately
and I just thought
we should slow it down.
I told her I was helping
Dan Rather
rebuild his transmission.
Do you think
she believed me?
Ah, the first lie
in a relationship.
I'll never forget the time I told Doris
I had to fly to Cuba to interview Castro,
when in reality I was spending
the weekend in Vegas with the boys.
Then that damn Bay of
Pigs thing happened.
They always find
out about it, Miles.
It's like they have some sort of
radar in their brassieres.
Ms. Brown, who do you think should
foot the bill for the federal deficit?
Look, Jimmy Olsen, I told you.
I don't answer these questions.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
may I have your attention, please?
I am Roland Petrie of the
Smithsonian Institution.
At this time,
we present to you
the door.
(applause)
Aw, come on, Ms. Brown.
People want to know where
you stand on the issues.
What's the major problem
facing the world today?
I don't know.
The problem with the world today is
that there are too many
short guys running it. Okay?
Will you go away?
Oh, I'm going to miss this door.
Look at this.
I'm watching you.
- J. Edgar Hoover
I demand a recount.
- Thomas E. Dewey.
Wait a minute.
Here's something
I never saw before.
For a good time
call - .
That's my number!
My phone number's
on that door.
All right,
who put that there?
Who did that?
Frank!
No!
You can't take that!
It was quite a
star-studded evening
at Phil's Bar and Grill
in Washington,
as the famous door was
inducted into the Smithsonian.
Among the guests was
our colleague, Murphy Brown.
who offered this unusual perspective
on the current global situation.
The problem with the world today is
that there are too many
short guys running it. Okay?
What?
Ouch.
I sure wouldn't want
that woman mad at me.
Unbelievable.
I must have tossed off at least
highly quotable quotes
about Phil last night,
and they run that.
I'm telling you
Paula hates me.
Ever since I beaned her
at the network softball game.
Morning, Corky.
Morning, Frank.
Oh, hello, Murphy.
I didn't recognize you
without your foot in your mouth.
If you're talking about the story
on this morning's news,
I already know about it.
No, I'm talking about
the piece on you
in this morning's paper,
under the headline
"Brown Gives Short Shrift"
What is this?
The slowest news day in history?
Oh, listen to this, Murph.
John J. Edwards,
the founder of The Club,
a national organization
for men under ' "
called Brown's comment
quote, a classic
example of stereotyping.
Obviously, what she has in height,
She lacks in sensitivity.
Let me see that.
The Club?
God, don't these guys
have a sense of humor?
I mean what rational
human being would be offended
by something that was
obviously meant as a joke.
Murphy.
May I have a word
with you, please?
Gee, you look happy.
Let me guess.
Either Audrey is cheating on you,
or the guys at the car wash made fun
of your " Days to a
Deeper Voice" cassette.
Excuse me.
Was that another joke?
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's call The Tonight Show and
see if they need a guest host.
See these, Murphy?
These are just some of the messages
the switchboard has logged
from very angry men.
And guess what?
Not one of them is named Kareem.
messages?
God, I didn't realize
this was National Overreaction Day.
And to think, I used to look up to you.
- Richard from Fullerton
I hope a house falls on you.
- Gary from Kansas.
Come on, Miles.
You can't take
these messages seriously.
These are crackpots.
Extremists.
If I see you in a crosswalk,
you'd better run like hell.
- Carl Bernstein.
Murphy,
This Club
is very serious.
They've contacted the media,
and they're demanding
a public apology.
An apology for what?
Making a joke?
This is absurd.
Well, obviously there
are people out there
who are sensitive about their ...
stature.
Maybe you're someone
who wouldn't think that.
You're what?
' " in those heels?
Wait a minute, Miles.
What am I hearing here?
You aren't ...
Were you hurt
by what I said?
What?
Me?
Hurt?
I'd have to be short
to be hurt.
And I am not short.
It's common knowledge
that short for a man
is ' " and under.
I'm ' - / "
and I can prove it.
Corky,
what does that say
on my driver's license?
Read it.
Out Loud.
' " and what?
... and / ".
So you lied.
I did not lie!
Miles,
Miles, don't be so sensitive.
It doesn't mean you're
any less of any authority figure.
Just because you
need a footstool
to reach the top shelf
of the utility cabinet.
I did it once.
Somebody shoved the fax paper
all the way to the back.
Besides...
the true size of a man
isn't measured in feet and inches.
Isn't that right, Jim?
Oh, get over it, Miles.
You're short.
I am not short!
I'm ' " and / "!
Murphy, what are we
going to do about this mess?
Well, Miles, obviously I didn't realize
what sensitive territory
I wandered into.
I tell you what.
Why don't I make some kind of
brief statement to the press?
You know, just to
clarify what I said.
Smart decision.
I'll set up a press conference
for this afternoon.
You know,
when they measure you
at the bureau of motor vehicles,
they don't ask you to
take your shoes off.
But I did.
' " and / "
... in my bare feet.
Last night I made a comment
which unfortunately has been
interpreted as a slur
against short men.
For the record,
I made the remark as a joke.
It was not intended
to cast dispersions
on men of any size.
Okay, everybody,
that's it.
Thanks for coming.
Just a minute.
Just one minute.
Now correct me,
if I'm wrong.
But I thought there was going
to be an apology here today.
Does anybody remember
hearing the words
"I'm sorry" in that speech?
Excuse me, but
I don't think I know you.
John J. Edwards,
President of The Club
I'm here on behalf of
million men
of smaller stature.
And we demand
a sincere apology
for your vicious attack
on us last night.
I don't think
it was a vicious attack.
Now I made my statement.
That's really all I can do.
Oh, I see.
You don't really take
this seriously, do you?
No, of course not.
You, who live in
the land of the tall.
Everything in society
is geared toward you people.
Sports, business, politics.
Do you think Michael Dukakis lost the election
because he couldn't clean up Boston Harbor?
Get real.
The man is short.
Who wants a guy
sitting in the oval office,
if his feet can't
touch the floor?
Am I right?
Oh, come on.
Don't you think you're
exaggerating ...
Ms. Brown, I am a
Columbia Law School
Phi Beta Cappa,
and I can't go to Disneyland
and ride on Space Mountain.
And do you know why?
Because my head doesn't reach
that stupid, dotted line.
now that may not mean
much to you,
Ms. Brown.
But when you go to
the happiest place on Earth,
and a ' guy in a mouse costume
points you in the direction of
It's a Small World
that's a pain that
you never forget.
Now look, Mr. Edwards,
I appreciate your viewpoint.
But my colleagues here know
the kind of person I am.
So, if you'll excuse me.
Actually, Murphy,
How do you respond
to this man's statement?
Yeah, he seems to be
making some valid points.
Murphy,
was it some personal
experience that
led to this hidden resentment
towards short men?
Oh, come on, Hank,
I don't have any resentment.
You know that.
Oh? Then ask her why
she turned down
a date with Dudley Moore.
Go on. Ask her.
It's because he once
played an elf in a movie!
Isn't that true?
Oh, please.
I've tried to
accommodate you.
I read the statement.
Now, why don't you
just get past this
and try to be
big about it?
All: Ooh...
You're not going
to write that down.
He's just trying to throw me,
so he can use this press conference
to get up on a soap box.
You see?
You see what I'm talking about?
Unbelievable!
Haven't you had enough
negative publicity
from last week's
press conference?
Oh, come on, Miles.
Just because that
flower vendor is ' "
doesn't give him the right to
turn his hose on me.
So you dumped
fertilizer down his pants?
Maybe something
will grow.
Would you just stop it!
Miles, you think this
week's been easy for me?
You think I like
getting hang up calls
from d*ck Cavett?
Well, you are just
going to have to
learn to deal
with it, Murphy.
In a few minutes,
Congressman Hutchins
is going to show up.
and you have to convince him
to give his story to us.
and not to /
or Minutes.
I know that, Miles.
You think I want to lose
the hottest story in town?
It's exactly what I need
to put this whole, miserable
short thing behind me.
Whoa.
Time out.
Reality check
here, Miles.
Do you notice
anything unusual
about this room?
Oh, God.
Short men.
They're everywhere.
Okay, don't panic.
Look down.
Walk slowly to the door.
And whatever you do,
don't show fear.
Wait a minute.
This is not right.
This is our place.
We're not going
to let them
intimidate us
on our own turf.
I'm staying right
where I am.
I have an
appointment to keep.
He's here. I'm going.
Call me, if you need me.
Congressman Hutchins.
I'm Murphy Brown.
I want to thank you
for meeting me here today.
No problem.
Say,
this isn't one of
those short bars, is it?
No, no.
Just a lot of accountants
in here today.
Anyway,
I know you go up
before the grand jury
next month,
and I thought we could discuss
possible air dates.
Ms. Brown,
I have to tell you
I'm having second thoughts about
doing this interview with you.
You've received some
bad publicity lately,
and I don't need any of that
to rub off on me.
Congressman, look,
I admit I'm in the middle
of a minor
controversy right now,
but let me assure you that
whatever problems I'm having
have pretty much blown over.
Here you go, Murphy.
One shrimp cocktail.
Phil, I didn't order this.
I know.
It's from that table
in the corner.
Very clever.
Anyway, as I was saying ...
You have to realize how
vulnerable I am right now.
The public loves to hang
a crooked politician.
Even if he isn't crooked.
And that's why you should
let me do this interview.
I believe you're innocent.
The prosocution's case
reeks of entrapment.
Congressman Hutchins
I will blow the lid right off ...
Short stack.
Courtesy table six.
Maybe I should go and
talk to Mike Wallace.
No, no, no.
Congressman, wait, please.
Just listen to me.
I am the only person
to do this profile.
I've got the commitment,
and I've got the sources.
This interview is
very important to me.
And if I don't ...
Napoleon.
All right, that's it!
Who sent this?
I want to know
right now.
Who sent this?
I did.
Well, Ms. Brown,
it's been a whole week
since your offensive comment.
And we still haven't heard
an "I'm sorry" from you.
And I told you,
Mr. Edwards,
I have nothing
to apologize for.
Then the stakes go up.
An apology is
no longer enough.
We want a segment
on FYI,
exposing the mistreatment
of men of smaller stature
at the hands of the tall.
Mr. Edwards,
I have many
stories in the works.
Stories on
starvation in Africa,
on the AIDS crisis.
Sorry, but your piece
doesn't fit in that category.
Have it your way.
But you should know,
we don't give up.
We're mobilized.
We're ready.
We're close to the Earth,
so you'll never see us coming.
We meet tonight
and every Monday night
at the White Hall
Community Center.
Stop by when
you've had enough.
Come on, guys.
Let's blow this pop stand.
It's been a pleasure
meeting you.
I'll think about
everything you said,
and maybe I'll call.
Okay?
All right. Who else wants
to share with the group?
I'm Charlie,
and I'm ' ".
I just want to say ...
Wait a minute, Charlie.
We've got an
unexpected guest.
Hello.
(door closes)
Hi.
Charlie, would you mind
giving up the floor to the lady?
I think she has something
that she'd like to share with us.
Okay.
This won't take long.
And then you can ...
get back to
whatever it is you were ...
doing ...
here.
The reason I came here tonight ...
Introduce yourself.
Okay. I'm Murphy Brown.
And the reason I came here tonight ...
How tall are you?
Okay.
I'm Murphy Brown,
and I'm ' ".
I didn't come here
to cause more trouble.
I came here because
even though I don't think
I said anything wrong,
I feel bad about
how you reacted to it.
I know you feel deeply
about your
problem.
It's not a problem!
You're not taking me seriously.
That hurts.
Because we have
a lot more in common
than you might think.
I've known pain
in my life, too, you know.
The pain
of a happy, little
year old girl.
who suddenly
started growing.
Growing so fast
that she was a foot taller
than everyone else in junior high.
An object of
of ridicule
and pity.
Always stuck in the back
for class photographs.
And worst of all,
never asked to dance.
They called that little girl
The Golly Brown Giant.
Oh, shut up!
I'm sick of you little guys.
I've had it up to here
with your whining.
You want to see eye to eye with me?
Get yourselves a stepladder.
Oh, hey.
Can I give anybody a ride home?
I'm driving a Honda Civic,
so there's room for everybody.
Is that what you
wanted to hear?
Are you happy now?
Fine.
I'm out of here.
Well, I think we've
wasted enough time.
All right. New business.
We need a chairman
for the June fundrasier.
I thought Lawson
was taking care of that.
He bailed out.
Again.
I swear, he's got
even less commitment
than he's got hair.
Anyway, that's the (?)
to cover for him.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I don't mean to interrupt, but
that last comment
"less commitment than hair"
What is that?
Some kind of vicious attack
on balding men?
What are you talking about?
That was a joke.
Ah.
A joke.
Not everybody laughed.
Like you sir.
Did you find
that comment funny?
Well,
now that you mention it,
No.
I didn't find it funny.
Do you think I like
having male pattern baldness?
Come on, Howard.
Don't be so sensitive.
It's a genetic thing.
It's not like being fat.
Hey!
What's that
supposed to mean?
Well, you know, Julian,
you guys can always
go on a diet,
But what am
I supposed to do?
Spend a fortune
on hair plugs?
You think this
is my fault?
I've tried everything
to lose weight.
Pills. sh*ts.
How'd you like a staple in your gut?
Guys, guys.
This is ridiculous.
Come on.
You started it,
Mr. Ambulance Chaser.
Hey, I would much rather be a lawyer,
than a cut rate dermatologist.
You sit around all day
and scrape plantars warts off people's feet.
No wonder, you're fat, Julian.
All right. Right Here. Right Now.
(whistles)
All right. All right.
Keep your shirts on.
This is really something.
Isn't it?
Two grown men.
About to k*ll each other
over a joke.
A harmless,
meaningless
joke.
That's right.
Lower your heads.
Little different
when the shoe's on the other foot,
isn't it?
Well,
Guess my work
here is done.
Ms. Brown.
Wait.
You know what
you said before?
About how we had
some things in common?
There was something else.
Something you
don't know about.
You don't want to do this.
Don't do it, Ron.
Stop now.
I can't.
This could be
our only chance.
What are you
talking about?
Ms. Brown
We come from many
different backgrounds.
But there's one experience
we've all been denied.
None of us has ever
asked a tall woman to dance.
Come on.
You don't mean ...
Oh, no.
♪♪ ♪♪
Ms. Brown,
may I have this dance?
Oh, God.
Look, I got a
big day tomorrow.
I've got to be
home by : .
May I?