Murphy:
eldin, have you seen
my other shoe?
And I had a yellow pad
with notes on it.
Running late on a monday again?
How very unlike you.
(Car horn honks)
I hate car pool days
when corky drives.
Eldin, don't just
stand there.
Help me.
It's a black suede pump
and a legal-size pad
And where are my house keys?
You've done something
with them, haven't you?
I don't have
to keep coming here.
I'm a rich man now.
I could be at the movies.
Rich people go to the movies
in the daytime.
Where are those keys?
When I was unemployed
I went to the movies
and saw the rich people.
Aha! Here's
my other shoe.
Rich people and deadbeats
side by side
Watching the same
big-budget stink b*mb
With no engaging characters,
no engaging story...
I sell a painting
for over a million bucks
And the quality of my life
has not changed at all.
Here's my pad.
(Doorbell rings)
Can you get that?
I want to see
if there's anything to eat.
Why would there be
anything to eat?
There's never anything
to eat here.
Aren't rich guys
supposed to walk around going
"Oh, I'm stuffed"?
Why am I answering doors
for people?
Something's wrong here.
I've been honking
for ten minutes.
She trying to make
breakfast again?
Murphy!
Not even a hello.
I'll be
at the armory
Seeing the boat show.
I don't know why.
Corky! Hi.
How would you like
a cheese and mushroom omelet
Just a little runny
so the flavors come together?
And then some hot, buttered
wheat toast on the side?
That sounds really good.
Great.
You go cook it
And I'll run
and collect my notes.
Murphy! Because of you,
everyone we're picking up
Will be freezing
in the snow.
I bought a new car and this
is my first day driving it.
You got a new car?
Corky, this calls
for a celebration.
I know, let's make omelets.
No omelets!
We have to go now.
I left frank in the car alone.
He's depressed
and I think he has a doughnut.
He says he doesn't,
but I smelled it.
He'll get powdered sugar
all over.
What's he depressed
about now?
I don't know,
but he has his saxophone
So it must be bad.
Let's go.
Okay, okay.
My keys!
Murphy, before
you get in
Make sure you scrape
the mud and ice on your feet
So you don't get...
The floor mats dirty.
Murphy! These are
brand-new floor mats!
The whole point of a floor mat
is catching crud
So when you put your feet
on the dashboard
You don't get it dirty.
Morning, frank.
Lovely riding in the se car
with you today.
Shut up!
See you've got
your saxophone, frank.
Let me guess.
You just broke up with...
What's her name?
Darla? Marla? Carla.
Susan. Last night was our
sixth consecutive date.
Ooh, a breakthrough.
I decided to take her out
to celebrate.
We sat down at the table
And I looked across the candles
at her
And I thought to myself,
"this woman is perfect."
Then it started happening--
that wave of nausea.
I thought to myself,
"nobody's perfect.
"What will I find out about her?
"That she spends an hour
in the bathroom
"Before she can go out?
She let's the dog watch
during sex?"
Let's see
what's on the radio.
Good idea.
♪♪ Love, love will
keep us together ♪♪
♪
♪♪ Think of me, babe, whenever ♪
♪♪ Some sweet-talking girl
comes along... ♪♪
Okay, that's enough of that.
Radio d.j.:
...temperatures rising
to a brisk degrees.
Now it's time
for today's trivia question--
A real shocker.
Which of the five senses
are you most likely to lose
If you're hit by lightning?
We'll open the phones
at the top of the hour
To take your calls.
I say you'd lose
your hearing.
I say "touch."
Ever gotten shocked?
It takes a while
to get the feeling back.
What's the difference?
Why couldn't it
be "hearing"?
It could if you took
the lightning bolt in the ear.
My aunt madelyn lived on a farm
And had this retriever
named goldie.
One summer, there was
this bad electrical storm.
Next day, goldie had
a strange look in her eyes
And most of her fur was gone.
Nobody knew
if she was hit by lightning
But whenever we called,
"goldie! Goldie!"
She never came.
Real scientific, corky.
A lonely farmer
shaves your aunt's dog
And you assume it's lightning.
My answer made sense.
Do not litter!
Put it in the trash.
Wish I could trash
this whole thing.
I'm making out my will.
Your will?
(Laughing)
Interesting what makes
you laugh this morning.
After years of trying
to take it all with me
I'm giving up.
What a dismal exercise
this will be.
I'm putting you down
for my shoes.
If you don't want them,
others do.
There's miles!
I'll bet
he's really surprised.
I didn't tell him
I was getting a new car.
I've been in the snow
for minutes.
What's the excuse du jour,
murphy?
Skylab fall
on your house again?
Why didn't you wait
in the lobby?
I think my doorman
Was on america's most wanted
last night.
Oh, no, the saxophone.
Do you mind?
I don't want miles in the back.
He gets carsick.
I'll sit up front.
Why should I sit in the back
just because he gets carsick
On a -minute drive?
And speaking of time,
let's pick up the pace.
You should let
me drive, corky.
Drive my new car?
No, drive your goat herd.
Yes, your new car.
I don't know.
Let her drive--
I'm turning blue.
All right.
All right.
Jaw exercises.
Please be careful,
murphy,please?
Careful is
my middle name.
Sit back and relax.
Let's see
what this baby can do.
Wait!
There's someone
out there.
Good morning, car poolers.
Audrey!
What are you doing down here
in my robe?
You forgot your lunch, miles
And your gloves.
He's so forgetful.
I laid the gloves out
with your coat
Just before we went to bed.
Thanks, audrey.
Thank you
for the most wonderful weekend.
We stayed in the entire time.
Cooked, read
Made a big fire,
and then...
Audrey, go inside
before you catch a cold, okay?
Okay? Okay?
Okay. I'll be thinking
about you all day.
Bye, pookie.
Bye... Pookie.
What a weekend!
I'll never have that--
never.
It was hideous--
the worst of my life.
She stayed the entire weekend.
Saturday she made me breakfast--
Pancakes in the shapes
of hearts.
You know what I had?
Three chips ahoys
and water chestnuts.
She did my laundry.
She folded my jockey shorts
into squares.
I found a note in them!
We're in a train
Moving towards that big station
called "living together."
From there, it's a short
cab ride to marriage city.
Miles, you should appreciate
what you have.
There are a lot of guys
out there
Looking for somebody
just like audrey.
Believe me, I know.
What does that mean, frank?
If I were to break up
with audrey
You would ask her out?
I don't know. I...
I'd clear it with you first.
So you've been thinking
about it.
You've been giving it
some thought.
You are amazing.
I'm practically living
with the woman!
So help me
If I catch you near her...
If you so much as drive
on her side of town...
Let's talk about
something else.
If you were
struck by lightning
Which sense would you
most likely lose?
What?
Just give her
a simple answer.
I said "touch."
I say "hearing."
My aunt had this retriever
named goldie...
Enough with
the fried dog already.
I go with
the sense of smell.
Snakes smell with their tongue.
Bet you didn't know that.
Sounds like you and corky
flunked out of science.
Why is it nobody thinks
I have the right answer?
Jim will back me up.
It's really late.
I hope he's waiting inside,
not on the curb.
I read you
loud and clear.
Let's throw this
into warp speed
And make up some time.
(Tires squealing)
If I leave judy in payroll
my earrings
Then I have to leave
darlene in research something.
There's a man
in the street.
Truck
in the intersection.
What?
You're getting spit
on my neck!
And murphy
Don't write
while you drive.
It makes me nervous.
You're talking to a woman
Who took off her panty hose
doing on the expressway.
I want to get
my will done today.
Then I won't have
to think about it.
This is perfect.
At least when they
pull our bodies
Out of the twisted wreckage
One of us will have
her affairs in order.
Murphy, look out!
(Honking)
Hey, cream of wheat
for brains!
Where did you get
your license?
The home shopping network?
Did you see that clown
cut in front of me?
Murphy, please don't
pull up next to him.
I hate it
when you do this.
Murphy...
Oh, god, it's a priest.
Hey, how about using
your turn signal
Once in a while?
And you got a green arrow
in your lane.
What are you waiting for,
a miracle?
You see him?
He's pulling
into that church.
The coward.
Think marv would like
my record collection?
Give me that!
You're leaving frank
The football
bobby kennedy gave you?
Really?
I won't have any children
to throw it to.
Miles, I'm leaving you
the moon rock
Buzz aldrin gave me.
A rock.
Fine.
Give me a rock.
I've seen it, you know.
I think buzz got it
out of his yard.
What a bunch
of ingrates.
Corky, if you're not happy
with my shoes, speak now.
Oh, just what I want--
a dead person's shoes.
And for your information,
I didn't flunk science.
I got a b-plus.
Oh, what is it
With me and relationships?
A therapist once suggested
that in running away from women
I was running away
from myself,
I don't know.
I questioned
her objectivity.
I was sneaking
out of her apartment
At the time.
We're too close
to the woman in front.
I can see the mole
on her neck.
We're an accident
waiting to happen.
Slow down.
You'll miss jim.
Miles, I was considering
Leaving you the rock
and my good sheets
But now I don't know.
Murph, stop. Jim.
Oh, right.
Listen to frank.
Don't listen to corky.
What does she know?
Stunning car, corky.
Why in the name of buddha
are you letting murphy drive?
Murphy's
finished driving.
She's had it
with everyone's whining.
Miles is going to drive.
Sit right up front, jim.
You're about to embark
on mr. Toad's wild ride.
Thank you very much,
bride of evel knievel.
Ow.
I see you have
your saxophone, frank.
Lost another one, eh?
What was her name?
Mary, terry, kerry...
Susan.
I have to ask you
something.
If someone were struck
by lightning
Which of the senses
Do you think
they would lose?
Did will play golf
in the rain?
No. It's
a trivia question.
Why are we
sitting here?
What are you doing?
I'm getting to know the car.
It's what
a safe driver does.
God, I'm going
to have a birthday
Before we get there.
Just step on it.
The lightning
question, jim.
What do you think
the answer is?
Taking into account
that the human eye
With the inclusion
of the vitreous humor
And the ciliary body,
is % moisture
The intense heat would
dehydrate the organ
And destroy it.
So what are
you saying?
That "hearing"
would be wrong?
It couldn't be "hearing."
That's too obvious.
Oh, I see.
It's not enough
that I'm wrong.
Now I'm obvious.
Oh, well, i...
What I meant
was... Was...
Frank, what do you think
the answer is?
I don't know.
What's left?
Nobody took "taste."
Give me "taste."
Frank would rather
take a leftover answer
Than agree with me.
Nobody ever thinks
I'm right.
"Taste" is
a stupid answer.
Why would you choose it?
Because I've never seen
anyone hit by lightning
Get up and ask for
a meatball sandwich!
Why are you making
Such a big deal
out of this?
It's not just
a trivia question.
It happens all the time.
Remember when murphy
needed to know
The capital of morocco?
I said marrakesh,
but she looked it up anyway.
Isn't it rabat?
So I was wrong!
That's not the point.
If frank or jim had said
it was marrakesh
She wouldn't have bothered
to look it up.
And it's not just murphy,
it's everybody.
After a while
it makes me feel like...
Never mind.
Corky, would you like
the matching handbags?
Nobody talk to me
for the rest of the trip, okay?!
You may have to step on it,
miles.
That local magazine show
Is interviewing me
at : sharp.
The p.m. Washington
interview?
I thought you were going
to turn that down.
I never would have agreed
If I didn't have
such an amusing anecdote.
It's a jewel,
a bona fide side splitter.
I think we could use
one of those now.
Da nang, .
I was at the u.s.o. Show
Talking to ventriloquist
shari lewis.
Just before going on
She couldn't find
her puppet, lambchop.
What happened?
She found it.
The damn thing was in the trunk.
That's the story.
The whole boring story.
I once shared a cab
with george gobel.
Is that anything?
Good god,
years in this business
And I can't think
of one single anecdote.
Hold on. Yellow light.
Just go through.
Are you driving?
I'm stopping.
I'll pump the brakes.
(Horn beeping)
I'm in control!
I don't know
how it happened.
The brakes
just locked on me.
I've never skidded
Across three lanes
of traffic sideways
Like that before.
It's just like you
to k*ll me
Before I can make
this official.
Very good, frank
Keeping all four wheels
on the ground the way you are.
Interesting,
isn't it?
Traffic hurtling at us
at miles an hour
And nothing separating us
but a little, white line.
Maybe you shouldn't be
behind a wheel right now.
Why?
Don't look at me
when you talk.
I hate that.
Stoplight, frank!
I see it.
I see it.
Whoa.
' Mustang convertible.
Classic car.
With one great-looking woman
in it.
Who recognizes me...
And is smiling at me...
And won't look away.
I'll be back.
You can't do that.
Are you crazy?!
Are you out
of your mind?
We better go on
without him.
You drive, jim.
It's degrees out there
and frank's showing her
The b*llet wound
he got in nicaragua.
They're tearing down
the fremont building.
What are they going
to put up?
I won't bother telling you
Since you'll only ask
someone else.
This is really annoying.
We don't think you're dumb.
It's just
that occasionally
We think you're underexposed
to information.
If I'm right and the correct
trivia answer is "hearing"
You all have to agree with me
for the rest of the day
No matter what I say.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Her name is julie.
She just ended
a three-year relationship
So I'm not sure
if I should get involved.
I'll know better
after this weekend.
We're going to bermuda.
Unbelievable.
That's it. My will.
I put this off
Because I thought
it would be
A depressing experience.
Your whole life
on one piece of paper.
But when I look at it,
I have to say
Murphy brown has had
one hell of a life.
Hey, jim, look at this.
Murphy, I'm driving.
Item --
the nutcracker I used
When I shared a lobster
with cary grant.
Pretty great, huh?
That's for you.
And item --
The cue cards from nixon's
"I am not a crook" speech
Will become the property
of the museum of broadcasting.
This feels great.
My affairs are in order.
I am ready.
I can go at any time.
Look out for that car!
I see it.
I see it.
Okay, so I'm not ready
this minute.
Thank god we're here.
(Radio playing)
Carmello, my good man.
How's life treating you
this monday morning?
I get to spend
another eight hours underground
In an unheated parking garage
Filling my lungs
with carbon monoxide.
I guess you could say
life's pretty good.
Nice car, mr. Dial.
It's mine, carmello.
I'd like you to park it
In a different space
from now on.
The person
who parks next to me
Flings the doors open
and leaves little dents in it.
A car is
a meaningless object.
Unburden yourself
of this unhealthy connection
To the material world
and deepen your perspective
On the true meaning of life.
She once broke someone's arm
at a norma kamali sale.
They're giving the answer
To today's trivia question.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Radio d.j.:
The correct answer is
"the sense of hearing."
Yes! Yes!
I knew I was right.
I just knew it.
Me too, but it was
such an easy question.
You'd have to have
the brains of a trout
Not to get it right.
Carmello.
Gas barbecue.
Out.
I never understand
what she's talking about.
Take care of my car,
carmello.
It's amazing we got it here
in one piece.
I say the capital of morocco
is marrakesh.
What does everyone else think?
You're right.
Yes, corky.
Ooh, today is going
to be so much fun.
Those people
from p.m. Washington
Are waiting for me.
I know-- I'll tell
my charles de gaulle story.
Why didn't I think
of that before?
Because everyone's heard it.
Oh, god,
I'm as exciting as wood.
Just once I'd like
This elevator to be here
the same time I am.
What is time?
A corporeal measure
of light and space
A human boundary.
Holy moly, it's : !
The snack cart will be gone.
What's running this thing,
anyway? A hamster?
Then there was the time
I ran into margaret thatcher
At that sweater sale
at harrod's.
The girl in the mustang
was donna, right?
Julie. You're a menace
to society.
I got to be me.
I'll call audrey
And see if she wants
to come over tonight.
I'll tell a joke instead.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi
walk into a bar and...
What? What?
(Tires squealing)
(Tires squealing)