.
Okay, that's it.
I'm not waiting any longer.
Frank obviously doesn't feel
this meeting is worth his time.
I know this isn't
a popular subject
But just once, I'm asking you
As highly skilled professionals,
to hear me out before you react.
As you know, the february
sweeps period is here
And the network...
Very funny, very mature.
At least one of you understands
the importance of this meeting.
Thank you, murphy.
Fine. Fool around
But let me remind you
that the ratings we get
During sweeps period determines
our advertising rates.
Those ad dollars
keep us on the air.
Do we like being on the air?
Yes, we do.
So, let's accept reality
Or soon the japanese
are going to own this place.
Somebody named yakitori
will give this speech.
He's not going to have
my sense of humor.
We've got good stories.
We don't want to dump them
Because some bozo's afraid
of the competition.
You can't drop my story
on the national symphony.
I spent three weeks learning
to play the triangle
And I want america see it.
Guys, guys...
You won't believe this.
We don't have time for
your excuses, frank.
And if you think the japanese are
going to stand for this chronic
tardiness, you're in for a big surprise.
Let me finish. You know that
story I've been working on
about paragon oil?
They want drilling rights
in protected areas.
The only way miles is going to do
an oil story this month
Is if female wrestlers
are covered in it.
I'm serious.
I found out that
Some of the land commissioners
who decide on those drilling rights
Are having a "social gathering"
at the st. James hotel?
So?
So, we're talking a private suite
Expensive food, an open bar
And one other thing--hookers.
All courtesy of...
Guess who?
Paragon oil.
Oh, yes!
Life is amazing,
isn't it?
The day starts out badly.
Then, from out of the blue,
you hear the word "hookers."
We've got to get
first-hand evidence.
But paragon is smart.
They're using all their own people
as waiters and bartenders.
The only people they
won't know are the hookers.
What we need
then, is a reporter
Who's willing to go undercover
as a hooker.
I could do it, miles.
I could.
It would be tricky
But it would be one
of the high points of my career.
You forget one leg-wax,
the thing's blown.
No. We need a woman.
We need...
Murphy.
You need a lot
of things, pal.
That doesn't mean
you'll get them.
I can't believe
you expect a reporter
of murphy's stature
To dress up
in stiletto heels
Fishnet stockings,
a skintight leather skirt,
low-cut sequined top that
slides off the shoulder...
Would anyone like some coffee?
Jim's right.
The whole idea is
offensive and ridiculous.
Nobody will be interested
in a -year-old hooker.
She's got a point.
Maybe we should give it
to corky.
Me?!
Then again, murphy is
the more experienced reporter.
I've made a decision.
I'll send both of you.
Forget it!
I'm not doing it!
I'll do it.
Ladies, may I point
a few things out to you?
Put aside for a moment,
that this is a humongous story
sent from god
Let's not lose sight of the fact
that petty greed is putting
Our precious environment
in jeopardy.
We can do something about that.
We must do something about that.
I hate to say it, murphy,
but I think he's right.
Let's see if you
still feel that way
When some guy hands you
a can of reddi-whip.
I am so humiliated.
If my mother ever knew
what I was doing...
We're supposed
to show up
At the party
in half an hour.
You'd better get
Into character.
What do you mean?
You have to develop
an attitude--
Change your voice,
your body language.
Let's see you walk.
What?
Walk across the room.
Oh, great.
Olive oyl in anklets.
Well, obviously,
I don't have the ability
To turn myself into a tramp
as easily as you do, murphy.
Let's see your
idea of seduction.
A man would have to be in prison
a long time to find that sexy.
Who asked you, eldin?
Is this the way
you're dressing for work now?
No. You did
such a good job
Staining the shelves
We thought you deserved a treat.
This is terrible.
You cannot allow this woman
to go out of the house like this.
She is pure and innocent
And it rips me apart
to see her defiled in this way
And yet, I find it
oddly arousing.
Murphy, we better go now.
Good idea.
The walk, corky, the walk.
I hate these trucks.
It's small and dark and hot.
It's like being buried alive.
Did you see premature burial?
The image of that guy
scratching and scratching
on the lid of the coffin
Screaming for someone
to hear him
Through those six feet
of dirt...
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe.
I'm going to slap you,
miles, so help me.
Oh, god! Das truck.
Carl, any sign of them?
Nope, nothing yet.
Nobody's said anything
about the new jeans
I'm wearing.
Together:
they're nice, carl.
Thank you.
Why don't you get
some footage
Of the front
of the hotel?
We'll need it
to start off the segment.
You could have gotten vito
who weighs pounds
But you had to get a guy
Who was once banned
from the sizzler.
Whoa, mama!
Get a look at these two babes.
One walks like
she's pulling a plow
But the other one, yeow!
Wait a second
They're coming this way.
I don't believe it.
Don't just stand there, frank.
Help me!
Holy moley.
I never would have
recognized you, murph.
Oh, and who's
your little friend?
Shut up, frank!
We have something
for you, miles.
Give it him, corky.
Here you go, miles.
While we were shopping
for our outfits
We spotted this,
and thought of you.
(Laughs)
Very funny.
(Laughs)
Very, very funny.
Try it on, miles.
No.
One good humiliation
deserves another.
Try it on or we're not going
out there.
Nice look, miles.
The first hasidic pimp.
Make sure he wears it,
frank, all night.
Even driving home.
If everybody's had their fun,
we're behind schedule.
Wally, put
the wires on them.
Here are the keys
to your hotel rooms.
There's a remote camera
in each room.
Where do you expect me
to put these?
I don't know.
Where do you think?
Well, I got a couple of ideas.
Hey, hey!
It's okay, carl.
Wally,
I'll do it myself.
The object of this game
Is to get one of these land
commissioners in a room
And get him to say
He's being bribed
by paragon oil.
You're contact's name is rita.
She'll introduce you
But after that,
you're on your own.
Good lord, smells like
a locker room in here.
Oh, my, look at
the two of you.
Look at you.
Just look at you...
Snap out of it, jim.
Sorry.
This is it.
How do you feel?
Are you ready?
Yeah, we can handle
Some middle-aged bimbos
in party hats.
Corky, we're the bimbos.
Well, then, what are they?
The johns.
Bimbos, johns
Bimbos, johns...
Oh, god,
let's go.
Oh, look at
these men.
None of them are wearing
natural fibers.
Just relax and stay focused
on the story
And get your fingernails
out of my arm.
I don't think I know you
Or do i?
The soup is cold.
The pot is hot.
Murphy.
Rita.
Mary,
mary alice williams.
Say, rita
Why don't you introduce me
to your two friends?
Hi, my name is wanda.
(Southern accent:)
and I'm lurlene.
I'm barney.
You girls are a little late,
but it was worth the wait.
Trust me, I haven't had
any complaints yet.
And you've been doing this
for a few years, haven't you, sweetie?
I'm going to find a really good way
to t*rture you, miles.
Maybe something
with glue and cat hair.
Do you hear me?
Okay, let's go fishing.
Well, hello there.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm jack. What's your name?
Lurlene.
Lurlene.
What a lovely name.
It really suits you.
Why don't I leave
you two alone?
Oh, no, no, no, wanda.
You don't have to go.
Does she, jack?
Well, I really wasn't looking
for a group thing
But, hey, what the heck.
Oh, well, I never do
group things
With only three people.
Excuse me.
It looks like
it's just the two of us.
Oh, well, thanks, honey
But I was looking for
something a little younger.
I'm crushed, pal.
You look like the kind of guy
Who knows how
to have a good time.
Huh? What?
I'm the kind of girl
who can give it to you.
I'm wanda, and I'm here to make
all your dreams come true.
What do you say?
Maybe later.
And then I'm going to drag you
from my bumper for blocks.
Oh, excuse me.
Still no takers, huh?
It's funny. I was terrified
when I got here
But after a while, I realized
the men were scared too.
Just frightened little boys.
In a lot of ways,
this is just like a cotillion
Except these guys
expect me to put out.
But I guess that's a lot
like a cotillion too.
Boy, are they going
to be disappointed.
Man:
so, we get half the money
up front
And the other half
after the drilling starts.
Nicky, we're not here
to talk business?
Relax, enjoy yourself.
Wendy, come here.
Nicky, have you met wendy?
It's wanda.
Wanda, sorry, sweetheart.
I just got to get some
of this stuff straight.
Wanda, nicky here needs to learn
how to loosen up.
I think you're just the gal
that can teach him, aren't you?
I'd love to try.
Terrific. Enjoy yourselves.
But i...
Oh, come on,
I won't bite
Unless you want me to.
That a girl.
Well, you think
it's nice now.
You just wait
a few minutes.
Before we rush into anything
I think we should take a moment
to appreciate our surroundings.
After all, someone put
a great deal of effort
Into decorating this room.
Nice painting.
You ready?
Well, no potbelly on you.
My, my, my,
aren't we in a hurry?
Wouldn't it be nice to get
to know each other better?
Yeah.
I don't know what your name is
at the moment.
I can't remember that.
It's ed.
Yes, ed.
Now, you're
a land commissioner, right?
Why don't you just tell me
all about it?
Now, honey, I didn't come
up here to talk.
From your accent, I'd say
you're from louisiana.
I'm from there.
There sure is a lot of oil
in louisiana.
Okay, okay,
I'm from louisiana.
I knew it. What town?
I guarantee
you never heard of it.
I bet I do, too, know it.
Come on.
Okay, okay.
I'm from a little dot on the map
called tullos.
I grew up in nebo
You're kidding.
I used to hitch over
to miller's road.
And there was that one bend
on the hill
Where you could watch
the movie at the...
Both:
lime hollow drive-in!
Both:
what a hoot!
Hey, are you going to stay
in there all night?
Great.
Well, miles, the entire country
Can watch me begging some guy
to come out of the bathroom.
Well, look who's here.
Sorry, I couldn't get the wrapper
off of the soap.
But you did, didn't you?
Now we can get to know
each other better.
That tie looks awfully tight.
Why don't you let me
take it off for you?
Well, maybe we could talk
a little first.
You could tell me
about yourself
And, uh... Make it
more personal.
I think that's a great idea.
After all, you're paying for me
or somebody is...
I heard something
about an oil company.
Yeah, well, that's
who hired you, right?
Who pays attention?
I just show up
And do what I do best.
Every detail.
I find those things
such a turn-on.
Oh, man, he ran
into the bathroom again.
I can see the promos now...
"Tonight on f.y.i. ...
Land commissioners who must
continually wash their hands."
What a ratings-grabber.
Thank you, lord, for putting
an obviously gay man
In the room with her.
Murphy's doing it
all wrong.
She's too aggressive.
Men don't like that.
They want to feel comfortable.
So if they get up
in the middle of things
And watch
an old olivia de havilland movie
And collect their thoughts
They shouldn't be
the topic of conversation
At the weekly bridge game.
I told you, miles,
me in pumps and a black teddy
That guy would be confessing
to lincoln's assassination.
Sorry I'm late.
My wife screwed up
the directions.
Jerry, what are you
doing here?
Carl, how are you doing?
I thought this was the wktz truck.
Supposed to be working with an
out of town crew on some undercover
thing at the st. James.
What's f.y.i. Doing here?
Whoa, we're back
in business.
Hey, nice set up.
Great resolution
on these monitors.
That's the reporter
I'm working with.
What?
Patrick thomas.
He's from one
of the west coast affiliates.
He's supposed to be breaking
some oil company scandal.
What the hell's he doing
with a hooker?
An old hooker.
I can't believe this.
We've got to warn murphy.
Frank, go tell her.
No way. You're
the producer.
You go tell her.
I'm not going alone.
For god's sake, somebody go!
Oh, no. I think
I'm going to pass out.
Clear!
So, how does it work exactly?
You land commissioners
Give paragon the right
to drill on public land
A flat fee
or a percentage of the profits?
You don't want
to know about that.
It's boring.
Let's get back to you.
Have you ever worked for
any of barney's bosses
At paragon?
I won't answer
your questions
Unless you answer mine.
I'll answer yours
if you answer mine.
I asked you first.
The hell with it.
Where are you going?
I'm really not interested.
You're very attractive
And I'm sure you've had
a long and distinguished career
But, to be honest,
I'm a happily married guy
And I just came up here
Because I didn't want
to insult barney.
I've got another idea.
You're the wounded flyer
hiding in my parents' barn
And I'm the innocent girl
who needs to be held.
(Knock on door)
Take a hike!
Miles:
murphy!
There's no murphy here.
It's wanda.
It's miles
It's over.
What are you talking about?
What the hell is this?
Thanks a lot, miles!
He was inches away
from spilling his guts.
I don't think so.
I'd like you to meet
patrick thomas from abc.
What?
Patrick, this is
murphy brown.
Murphy brown?
Oh man, I don't believe this.
What is
going on here?
He was after
the same story we were.
I just spent
four months setting myself up
as a land commissioner
And just when I'm about
to nail this story
You had to stick
your padded bra in.
Well, I better get down there
And see if I can salvage
something.
I hate sweeps month.
Boy, a reporter
from another network.
No way I could have
called that one, no.
You just have to laugh,
don't you?
No, I don't have to laugh.
I have to poke you many times
with a pointy stick.
Miles, there you are.
You'll never believe
what happened.
Ed told me
everything.
Hey, way to go, corky!
Yes, ed's a reporter
with the baton rouge herald.
He's working
on the same story we are.
Now, you just have
to laugh, don't you?
No. I don't have
to laugh.
Anyway, we can't stay.
Ed and I are going for coffee
And talk about
reporting techniques.
And she's going to wear
the wig. Whoo!
Sweeps month.
What a horrible concept.
It was obviously invented
by nazis.
You guys aren't going to believe
what just happened.
Ah, now what?
We got rear-ended
by a wbza truck.
They're onto the same story
we are.
In fact, the entire block
is crawling with sound trucks.
There isn't
one land commissioner
In this entire hotel.
They're all reporters.
Jim is so mad
He broke the windshield wiper
off charlie kurault's winnebago.
That's it.
We blew it.
We might as well
go downstairs and pack up.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where's that hat and coat
I bought you?
I left them
in the truck.
Well, you better
put them back on
Because I'm going to make you
walk down pennsylvania avenue
While I follow you in the truck
Taking pictures,
which I will then use
As my christmas cards.
Tell you what, wanda.
Why don't I just pay you
bucks
And we'll call it a night?
Miles:
ouch! Ouch! Ouch!