02x03 - Double Standard

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪

I can't do anything with
these crummy letters.

- I think I see something.
- Mrs. Garrett, please. Don't kibitz.

If you wanna
play, just sit down.

Oh, no. Uh, competition
gives me a rash.

Oh. [Laughing]

Hello, everyone. Don't get up.

Mrs. Garrett, I want you to meet my
dear, dear friend, Harrison Andrews.

He just transferred to Bates
Academy. Harrison, Mrs. Garrett:

our friend, confidante
and sl*ve driver.

- How do you do, Harrison?
- Hello, Mrs. Garrett.

Come on, Jo! Would
you just make a word?

All right. All right.

And these youngsters are my
roommates. Reading from right to left,

Natalie... Hi. Hi.

Tootie... Hi. Hi.

And Jo. Hi. [Chuckles]
Want a word? There's a word.

You can't use that.
It's a four-tile word.

That's our Jo. [Laughs] Oh.

Have you two known
each other long?

Actually, it's been about...
Ever since we were babies.

Our families have always hoped we'd
grow up and join our two great bloodlines.

Are you people or racehorses?

Better a racehorse
than a jackass.

Of course, we haven't
seen each other in years.

Harrison's been going
to school in Switzerland.

What did ya major in, yodeling?

A little more than that.

Well, after Switzerland, I hope you
won't find Bates Academy boring.

It'll be such fun. We'll pick up
where we left off when we were six.

That'll be cute... seeing you
two pedaling around on tricycles.

Harrison's toys have
four wheels now.

Tell them about
your new Porsche.

Oh, well, I just got it. It's candy-apple
red with his initials on the door.

- Turbo-charged?
- Of course not. He paid cash.

Yeah. It's a, uh, S.C.

- Five on the floor? Overhead cam?
- That's right.

- I can beat it.
- What?

I've got five bucks that says
my bike can beat your Porsche.

Wait. You drive a motorcycle?

Yeah, and it can beat
anything on four wheels.

This is gonna be good.
Yeah. Let's go! Yes.

Forget it. There'll be no
burning rubber at Eastland.

Let's see. It's about time for
dinner. Blair, go up and change.

Girls, let's get started.
Excuse us, please.

[Harrison] Sure.

Harrison, I'll be back.
Just a second. Okay.

Wait right here. Don't
you move. Oh, I won't.

Bye-bye. We'll finish
the game after dinner.

Right. Oh, you can count me out,
'cause I got other plans for tonight.

Yeah?

Uh, well, what kind of
plans? Oh, I don't know.

Have a little fun,
get a few kicks.

Right. I mean, what's
life without kicks? Death.

So what do you do... just hop
on your bike and hit the streets?

Only when I don't
hold on tight enough.

Uh, bet you stay out
till all hours, don't ya?

Oh, no. We have a curfew. Oh.

And... And sometimes I even
make it. [Laughs] [Laughs]

Well, where are
you goin' tonight?

I'll probably swing
by the arcade in town.

Uh, how'd you like it if I
showed up at the arcade tonight?

It's a public place.

I mean, I couldn't
have you arrested.

Uh, look. I gotta get back.

Would you tell Blair I
had to go? Yeah. Sure.

It, uh... It was nice
meeting you girls. Bye. Bye.

Oh, Mrs. Garrett.

Uh, it's been a pleasure.

You must do that again. Uh, you
must come by again sometime.

Oh, I will. Bye.

[Natalie] Bye.
[Tootie] Good-bye.

Bye.

Oh, what a
well-mannered young man.

I know. Doesn't it
give you the creeps?

I'm back, Harrison. Sorry
to have taken so long.

Harrison?

You can unglue
your smile, Blair.

Whatever do you mean?

Uh, your boyfriend
had to take off.

Ah, crud. He didn't even tell
me what time we're going...

to the Highcrest Country
Club tomorrow night.

Ooh, you're going to a dance?

- It's not a dance. It's a cotillion.
- What's the difference?

When they hang crepe paper and
play records in a gym, it's a dance.

When they hang crepe paper and play records
in a country club, it's a cotillion.

When did Harrison ask you?

Well, he didn't exactly ask
me... Not in so many words.

Well, if he didn't exactly ask you,
maybe you're not exactly invited.

- That's absurd.
- In my book, if you don't get
an engraved invitation...

in front of witnesses,
it's iffy at best.

Well, he started to mention it this
afternoon, but... What happened?

He stopped. Well,
he got a phone call.

But when two minds think as one, and
one mind is mine, I always get what I want.

Besides, why do you think he
came to Bates in the first place?

[Chuckling] Oh, Blair, you...

You don't think a boy would
change schools... change countries...

Just to take you to a dance?

They have before.

And besides, his mother had
lunch with my mother last week...

and told her we'd be going
to the cotillion together.

It's a fait accompli.

- A sure thing.
- It is if you plan on
going with his mother.

Listen, girls. There are two
things in my life that I am sure of:

one, that I'm going
to marry money;

and two, that I'm going to the
Highcrest Cotillion tomorrow night.

The only thing I'm
sure of in my life...

is that I'll be wearing
a retainer till I'm .

Come on, Mrs. Garrett.
There's a time limit, you know.

Please. I'm workin'
on a k*ller here.

This afternoon you said
you weren't competitive.

It's funny how you never
stop learning about yourself.

[Faint Ring] Was that the phone?

Yeah, the one in Dorm "B."

I think this one
is out of order.

Relax, Blair. You're so uptight.

I am not uptight!

Then how come you
keep spelling words like...

"call" and "phone"
and "dance" and "k*ll"?

Because I am going
to k*ll Harrison...

if he does not call me on the
phone and tell me about the dance!

As long as you're not uptight.

"Zephyrs"! [Cackling]

What? Z-E-P-H-Y-R-S.

Oh! Oh, let's see.
That's triple word score...

plus points for
using all my letters.

- Beginner's luck.
- Luck, my eye. It's skill.

This is a stupid game.
I don't wanna play.

Blair, you're just in a rotten mood
because you've been stood up.

I have not been stood up.

Yeah. How can she be stood
up if she was never invited?

Hey, guys. [Mrs. Garrett] Hi,
Jo. Did you have fun tonight?

- Oh, yeah. Arcade's always a trip.
- You and your crummy arcade.

- Anybody there?
- Just a couple of friends.

You and your crummy friends.

Well, actually, your crummy
friends... well, one of them anyway.

Harrison was there. Stubborn
son-of-a-g*n, isn't he?

- What?
- I couldn't lose him all night.

He kept followin' me around from
Skee-Ball to Sea Wolf to air hockey.

So that's why Blair bombed out.

Boy, he stuck to me like
flies on a No-Pest Strip.

The only way I could get rid of
him was to say I'd go out with him.

You mean Harrison asked
you out on a... [Mumbling]

"Date," Blair.
We call it a "date."

Yeah, there's some
wingding tomorrow right.

Could that be your
wingding, Blair?

I don't go to wingdings.
I go to cotillions.

Well, if that's a dance at
the Highcrest Country Club,

your cotillion and my
wingding are the same thing.

Now, let's just talk this
thing out. All right? Uh...

Nobody look at my letters.

Blair, Jo, sit down. It's just, you
know, a little misunderstanding.

You see, Blair hoped, uh...

Uh, expected... uh, thought...

Blair thought?

That she was going to be
invited to the dance by Harrison,

and she's been waiting all
evening for his invitation...

Uh, confirmation
of his invitation.

Wait a sec. You mean,
poor little Blairsy...

has been sittin' by the
phone all night long...

waitin' for Harrison to
ask her to this dance?

No! Yes. That's right.

Hey, Blair, listen. Hey, I may not
respect you, but I respect your turf.

You want him, you got
him. I won't take your guy.

Take my guy? Listen.

When it comes to men, the only
thing you could take from me is lessons.

Just don't start with me. I said
I'm not goin'. I'm tryin' to be nice.

She is, Blair. She really is.

Of course you're not going. You
know when you're out of your league.

You wouldn't subject yourself
to that kind of humiliation.

What "humiliation"?

When you drink out of the finger
bowl and put ketchup on your quiche.

You've got no business at
that cotillion and you know it.

I've got as much business there as
you do. And I got more. I was asked.

And you know what? I am goin'
with your friend. So eat your heart out.

And don't forget
to put ketchup on it.

[Natalie] Isn't this
exciting? Very.

Who would have thought
that our Jo Polniaczek

would be goin' to
a cotillion tonight?

It's just like Cinderella. Yeah.

All that's missin' is
the wicked stepsister.

Let's go.

[Knocks] How's it comin'?

Jo's almost ready. All right.

[Sighs]

You okay, Blair? [Clicks Tongue]

I know you're upset because
Jo's goin' out with Harrison tonight.

Why? Because up until : last night I
thought I was going to the dance with him?

Nah. If Harrison thinks
someone like Jo...

can take my place at a
dance like that, lotsa luck.

That sounds very
snobbish. I know.

But the people at
the club are snobbish.

It's what they do best.

Hold on to your heads,
'cause this'll blow your minds.

Jo, you look lovely
in your beautiful gown.

Ah, yes. A peasant dress.

Now there's an outfit
that makes a statement.

- Is she startin'
with me or what?
- Don't hit her!

She'll bleed on your dress.

You look sensational.

Excuse me, but I think I'll go down
to the kitchen and julienne something.

I'm not sure I
can pull this off.

Oh, don't you
worry. You'll be fine.

Uh-oh. I knew I
was too comfortable.

What am I gonna do? I
don't have any fancy shoes.

I happen to have a pair of
shoes I think'll be perfect.

Gee, this really is like
Cinderella. Oh, great.

Does this mean I can
stay out till midnight?

You do, and I'll turn Harrison's
Porsche into a skateboard.

Come on.

It's : . What do you think
Jo and Harrison are doing now?

He's probably saying,
"May I have this waltz?"

Charmed, I'm sure.

And then they get
down and boogie. Yeah!

[Both Laughing]

Blair, I'm surprised to see how
well you're taking this whole thing.

Why? Well, I thought you'd be
on the bed kicking and screaming.

No. I mean...

[Sobbing] Why? Why
her? Why not me?

Why did he take her to my dance?

How could he do
this to me? [Sobbing]

You had to open your mouth,
didn't you? How do we shut her up?

Do what they do in the movies. Slap
her across the face. [Sobbing Stops]

No. That's not necessary.

I'm fine now.

[Knocking] Come in.

Jo, are you all right?

Were you in an
accident? [Scoffs]

It was no accident. Mr. Harrison
Andrews had it all planned.

Well, didn't he
take you to the club?

Well, actually, he took
me through the club...

and out the back
door to the ninth green.

Wasn't it a little
dark to play golf?

Yeah, but golf wasn't
what he had in mind.

What? Oh, no.

Before I knew what happened, he pushed me
down in this big sand trap and was sayin',

"Relax. Get comfortable.
Pretend it's Jones Beach."

Harrison? That rotten creep.

I'm usually such a
good judge of character.

What he tried, I-I
never expected...

I mean, a guy with
his background...

He's supposed to be a gentleman.

Why? Because he can
yodel in three languages?

Look at me. I'm a mess.

Can I hang out here with
you till the girls go to sleep?

I don't wanna have to
explain what happened.

What a joke.

You know, Mrs. Garrett,

I had this crazy idea about
how a cotillion would be.

All the guys would
ask me to dance,

and everyone
would be whispering,

"Who is that classy girl?
Where'd she come from?"

And... I'd be treated
like I belonged there.

I wanted to make
you proud of me.

Oh, I am proud
of you. [Sniffles]

Harrison put you in a
terrible position tonight.

I mean,

what he did is inexcusable.

And you handled it
with such dignity, grace,

class.

[Sighs]

Of course, part of me wishes you'd
hauled off and hit him with something!

Oh, I did.

See, that's what happened
to your other shoe. [Laughs]

The point is, Jo's
not smarter than I am.

She's certainly not
prettier than I am.

Try nicer, Blair.

No. It's not that.

What does she have
that I don't have?

A motorcycle.

- Pardon?
- The thing about a person
with a motorcycle...

is you never know what
they're gonna do next.

Jo's adventurous. Crazy.

Girls like that are unpredictable.
I read about it in Teen magazine.

And that's what
attracts Harrison. Why?

Because Harrison
is in a state of flux.

What's flux?

It's what comes in between
adolescence and law school.

Oh. You mean rebellion.

Well, if he wanted
to rebel, why didn't he

just say so? I would
have rebelled with him.

Blair, to you, rebelling is using
your salad fork all through dinner.

Jo's raised rebellion
to an art form.

But look at all this junk.

What is so attractive
about this? And this?

What does a guy see
in a girl who buys her

clothes and her spark
plugs in the same place?

Well, she's gotta be doin' something
right, because she's at the dance,

and you're... not.

But look at this. Look.

This looks... This looks
absolutely... wonderful.

I can make even
this look wonderful.

I could start a whole
new trend... punk chic.

Forget it, Blair. You're not very
convincing as a Hell's Angel.

Come on, Tootie. Let's go
downstairs and get something eat.

[Door Closes]

Let's check out
the candy machine.

Uh, hi. Harrison. What
are you doin' here?

I, uh... I came to
return Jo's shoe.

What did you do
with the rest of her?

She came home early.

Well, we'll go find her for you. Oh,
look. That's not really necessary.

Uh, you could just
give her this for me.

Okay, guys. You still
say I'm not convincing...

- Harrison.
- Blair?

[Chuckles] Blair, you look...

Adventurous?
Unpredictable? Lawless?

"Ridiculous" is the word that
comes to mind. What do you mean?

Well, it's just not
you, Blair. I mean,

you're Harper's Bazaar,
not Popular Mechanics.

I know you know I'm perfect.

Sometimes people
need a break from

perfection, especially
when they're in flux.

- Flux?
- Look.

I understand how a person
who has steak every night...

can get a sudden
craving for... a sloppy joe.

A sloppy joe? Oh, I get it.

You're upset because I
took out your roommate.

Upset? No.

Surprised. Humiliated.

How could you
take her to the club?

Blair, I didn't exactly take her to
the club. I took her behind the club.

What are you talking about?
Listen. You know how it is.

Look. If I was going there to
dance, I would've had you on my arm.

But all I was after tonight was a little,
uh, putting action on the ninth green.

And you expected Jo to
let you play through. Sure.

That kind of girl usually does.
And after all, I'm only human.

Oh, and of course,
you're too much of a

gentleman to sully me
with your animal needs.

Exactly. You're not
in flux. You're in heat.

Blair, be sensible. Look. You're
the kinda girl men want in their future.

Oh, and Jo's the kind of
girl men need in their past.

I knew you'd understand.

Oh, I understand perfectly.
What you're saying is,

there are two kinds of women: the
kind you marry and the kind you... don't.

That's exactly what he's sayin'.

How can you let him say
that? Do somethin'. Deck him.

I already did that.

Well, I, uh, guess
I'd better leave.

No-ho, buster. You stick
around here. I'll deck you.

Hold it, Blair! Blair, Blair, Blair!
Um, say hi to your mom for me.

Yeah. I'll tell her what a sleaze you
are! Hey, hey, hey. Cool it. Cool it!

I haven't been this upset since
the price of gold went down.

How come you got so crazy?

He insulted you.

Yeah, but you do
that all the time.

Yeah, but... But
that's different.

When I do it, I know
what I'm talking about.

Why do guys act that way?

One minute they're jumping to conclusions,
the next minute they're jumping on you.

Well, I guess when you come
from the wrong side of the tracks,

guys think you're easy.

Listen, they think that when
you come from the right side too.

Heck, I own the tracks, and
some of them think it about me.

Boy, you and me
with the same problem.

No one would ever believe that.

Well, we just won't
tell anyone, huh?

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪

♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪♪