03x12 - We Love You... Good-bye

[bunniefuu]

Well, I still say
all men are animals.

All they ever wanted
was my body.

I used to be a sl*ve to a padded bra,
but no more. This is it.

Take it or leave it.

Oh, am I embarrassing you,
Dr. Hartley?

N-No, Michelle. It's good
to get those things off- off your, uh-

off your mind.

That's what these consciousness-raising
sessions are all about.

I think now might be
a good time for you tojust...

take a look at yourselves
as individuals.

- Tell Chuck that.
- Who's Chuck?

He's my husband.
My home is his castle.

We both havejobs,
but I do everything.

[Scoffs]
Typical, that's typical.

And you resent Chuck for not
helping with the housework?

Well, yes.
I'd like some time off too.

Well, take it. I mean, take one clay off
tojust do whatever you want.

Uh, for example,
Thursdays.

Oh, but Thursday's Chuck's poker game, and I
have to whip up the dip and drinks and stuff.

Typical,
that's typical.

Tell Chuck to whip his own dip.

No, the point is,
you're entitled to one day off too, Adele.

- I mean,you-you all are.
- Didn't I tell you he was wonderful?

- And you'd love his wife. She's wonderful too.
- Oh, I'd like to meet her.

Why don't you bring her to
our next session, Dr. Hartley?

Well, I don't really
thinkl should.

But maybe she could help
by setting an example.

I don't think she even
wears a girdle.

Well, l-l'll ask her.

I mean, I'll ask her ifshe wants
to- to come to the next session.

But I'm afraid
our time is up.

Oh, Dr. Hartley. Can I use your phone?
I want to call my beauty shop.

No more teasing.
No more hairspray.

I'm gonna be natural.
I'm gonna be me.

- GoodJoan.
- I'm gonna order a wig.

Thanks again, Dr. Hartley.

Well, I should thank you
for letting me in the group.

Men usually aren't allowed
in sessions like that.

- Oh, we don't think of you as a man.
- You're better than that.

- Carol, where you been? My coffee's getting cold.
- Good, so are your doughnuts.

You knowJerry, I am getting pretty tired
of schlepping down to that doughnut shop...

every time your little tummy says,
“Feed me. Feed me."

- What's a girl to do?
- Uh, womanJerry. She's a woman.

Oh, yeah.

These are delicious, Carol.
Thanks a lot. You're a doll.

Womamjerry.
lam a woman.

Don't sit down!
There's powdered sugar all over your seat.

Well, I'm so glad
I wore a dark skirt.

I'll get it off for you. Come on, just-
Turn aroundjust relax.

- Gently.
- Relax.

Typical. That's typical.

Oh, hi, Bob.
Sorry I'm late...

but I had a conference after
school and I had to stop...

and get the cleaning
and pick up some groceries.

- Dinner will be a little late.
- That's all right, honey. I had a big lunch.

- h, good - So I'll fix myself
another ice tea and keep you company.

- How was your day?
- Great.

Great, I had my consciousness-raising
group today.

- And the women are really feeling
good about themselves. - Oh.

- Is there a trick to this?
- Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah, they're, uh- they're learning
quite a lot and so am I.

Do you know they have panty hose
with tummy control now?

I did, dear. Uh, could you start the coals?
I thought we'd barbecue tonight.

Yeah, sure. You know,
this is a perfect example...

of what we were talking
about today in the group.

You know, sharing work.

I mean, why should you have
to do everything, you know?

You know, I wish they'd come out with a barbecue
apron that didn't have writing on it.

Would you have preferred
the one that says, “Boy Meets Grill“?

- Where are the charcoals?
- Right there.

I can't see them.

If they were a snake,
they would've bit me.

- [ Doorbell Buzzing]
- Com e in.

[Laughing]

What does that say?
“King of the Roast“?

Oh, that's funny. It's the funniest thing
I've ever seen. They, uh...

they misspelled “road?

- Howard.
- Uh, can I borrow your sewing kit?

- I thought you had one of those little
pocket sewing kits. - Well, I did.

I gave it to an Algerian pilot.
He ripped his burnoose.

Oh.

- Here you go, Howard.
- Thank you.

Anyway, I really want to tell you
what happened in the group today.

We started talking about you
and how we do things together.

- Where's the starter fluid?
- Right here.

Oh.

- And, uh, they said they'd really like to meet you.
- Me?

Yeah, they thought you could come down and
they'd learn a lot about us- about our marriage.

Oh, Bob, I don't wanna
make them uncomfortable.

Besides, you can't analyze
a marriage. ltjust works.

Or it doesn't, like mine.

I always got the feeling that, well,
Lois never liked doing things for me.

Howard, that isn't
what marriage is all about.

It's-lt's doing things
for each other.

Gee, that's beautiful, Bob.

Emily, would you please
thread this for me?

- Oh, sure, Howard.
- Thank you

Howard,you gonna want me
to pull it through?

- No, no, no. I like doing that myself.
- Okay.

- There we are. Thank you.
- Got it?

You didn't knot it.

Do you have a black
Magic Marker?

I think so.

- Got matches?
- Here you go, Bob.

- Howard.
- Thank you.

- What are you guys having tonight?
- We're having hamburger.

Would you like to-

Oh, no. Bob.

I forgot to buy
hamburger meat.

That's too bad.

Look, I thinkl have some
hamburger in my refrigerator.

Oh, do you, Howard?
That would be a big help.

- Here are the keys.
- Thanks.

Uh, while you're over there, would you
take my turkey out of the freezer to thaw?

Ta-da. Ladies and Bob, your guest of honor.

Oh, come in, Mrs. Hartley.
Carol, why don't you stay too?

Oh, Michelle, I'd like to,
but I'm really needed out there.

You'll never know when I have
to make my next doughnut run.

Well, this- this is my wife.

- Hello.
- Oh, Dr. Hartley, she's more than just a wife.

[Clears Throat]
Sisters, Emily Hartley is a dedicated educator.

An equal partner in a union
between two consenting adults.

Bright, capable,
warm, loving-

a terrific woman.

May I have the envelope, please?

You know, this is really
very embarrassing.

- Uh, honey, this isjoan, Adele-
- Oh, hello.

- And that's Mrs. Cowens.
- How do you do? Hi.

See? That's the body
I used to have.

Oh, thank you...

-I think.
-[Clears Throat]

Well, uh, sisters...

what-what was your
last week like?

Oh, terrific. I finally met a man
who wasn't after my flesh.

He just came
to the door, smiled...

I signed for the package,
and he left.

Why are we talking
about ourselves?

- We have a guest speaker today. - Oh, no. No,
I'm just enjoying listening to all of you.

We didn't invite you here
to enjoy yourself.

We want to know
why you enjoy yourself.

Well, I enjoy
a lot of different things.

I enjoy Bob, and Bob and I enjoy
good restaurants, movies, books.

They do everything together.

Well, we don't read
the same book at the same time.

- And we like to travel a lot.
- That'; r/ght.

Last year, Dr. Hartley
took five days off.

And he and Mrs. Hartley went to a
psychologist's golf tournament in Akron, Ohio.

Now I know how you keep
your shape. You play golf.

Oh, no, I don't play.
I just kind of ride around in the cart.

Oh?

But we were together.

Yeah, and it's a lot of fun, you know,
'cause at night when the men play poker...

I got to meet a lot
of terrific women.

- Uh, where you gonna go next year?
- Another golf tournament.

This one's in Miami.

Oh, we are?
I didn't know that.

Well, I guess
I forgot to tell you.

The newsletter
came this past week.

Typical.
That's typical.

Well, why don't we
talk about this later?

- That's what Chuck always says.
- I think we should talk about this now.

No, I think maybe we should
talk about something else.

Well, before we do, why don't we
take a break? lf-lfthat's okay.

Well, you're the boss.
[Chuckles]

Carol, would you
come in, please?

- Bob?
- Yeah, I thought maybe some of the women...

might want some, uh-
some, uh, coffee...

so I, uh...

thought I'd see if you wanted some
before I went to get it.

To get it?

- Well, why not?
- Sure, Bob, absolutely.

Do you know
where the cream is?

I don't know what's been
going on in here, but keep it up.

You know, I'm afraid I might have
given you the wrong impression.

'Cause I'm really very happy
with my marriage and my life.

But maybe Dr. Hartley has
clouded your awareness with love.

- And golf.
- Typical.

No, no, honestly, it's true.
it's just that, you see-

Well, Bob was when we got married.
And he'sjust-

Well, he's used to
doing things his own way.

How old were you?

Well, I was younger.

And, uh- And I'm more flexible.

You mean putty
in his hands?

No, no, that isn't what I mean.
You see, what-

Go on, Mrs. Hartley.
You were saying?

No, I think I've said
enough for now.

Well, if you can't talkwith your husband
here, then we've got a problem.

Well, if you can't talkwith me here,
uh, maybe I-l shouldn't be here.

L,uh-

I can leave the room
for a couple of minutes.

Or, uh, more than
a couple of minutes.

You're, uh,you're kicking me
out of the group, aren't you?

Uh, we'll take the coffee.

- Hi, honey. I'm home.
- How come?

Well, I live here.

I wasn't expecting you
for dinner.

I have my group tonight
and they're meeting here.

That's right. I forgot.
Well, I'll- I'll fix myself a sandwich.

- Fl/make it for you.
- No, honey, it's not necessary.

In the last three weeks, I've learned
where everything is in this kitchen.

I even know where you keep
that, uh, can of bacon grease.

I just don't know why.

Oh, I feel a little funny asking this,
but, uh, what's new with my group?

Oh, a lot. Michelle is really
speaking up to her father.

And Adele and Chuck are
starting to communicate.

- And Mrs. Cowens is firming up her thighs.
- [Knock On Door]

Oh, yeah. Andjoan is dating
the United Parcel man.

- Oh, hi, Howard.
- Hi. Hi, Bob.

- Hey, you guys have any Scotch Tape?
- Why, did you ripyour pants?

No, I want to wrap this gift.

I think we have.
Let me see.

- Howard.
- Ah, thank you.

You doing anything
for dinner tonight, Howard?

I'm going to a stag party.
That's what this is for.

Good oldjim Dolan finally got caught.
[Laughing]

Uh, Howard, if I were you, I wouldn't
say anything like that around here.

Oh, don't get me wrong.
She's a terrific-looking gal.

She'll makejim a nice home.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

Howard, if I were you, I wouldn't say
anything for the next couple of minutes.

- Hi.
- Hi. Oh,you look wonderful.

- Hi,joan.
- Oh, hi, Dr. Hartley.

- Hi, Michelle. I've never seen you in a dress before.
- I know.

It's the first time my legs
have been out since I was .

And I'm not wearing a girdle.
I feel loose as a goose.

Well, I'd better get my coat.
It must be windy out.

Loan.

- You just look so natural.
- [Chuckles] And I never felt better.

I mean, I discovered I don't have
to flaunt it to be attractive...

if you know what I mean.
[Giggles]

No.

You look very nice,joan.
You all look very nice.

- Excuse me, please.
- Wonderful.

Howard, these women are all part
of my consciousness-raising group.

Oh, well that sounds like a good cause.
I hope you raise a lot.

That's it, Howard. Let's go.

No, no, really.
I'll throw in a couple of bucks.

Uh, Bob.
where will you be?

Oh, I don't know. I thought maybe
I'd go down by the lake in the dark and, uh...

have my liverwurst sandwich.

Doorbell Buzzes

Hey, Bob.
What are you doing here?

Jerry, can't a friend
stop by to see another friend?

Sure.

Aw, come on in.

You, uh, you want a drink?

- Well, I was kind of hoping we could
have dinnenjerry. - I already ate.

Well, maybe I'll take you up
on that drink.

- What goes well with liverwurst?
- Nothing.

Well, go ahead.
See what you can find.

I was just straightening up.

I got a date coming over
in a few minutes.

- She's coming over here?
- Yeah.

She can drive,
read addresses. Why not?

- Oh. - I mean, my generation doesn't
stand on formalities anymore.

Jerry, what do you mean, your generation?
I'm only six years older than you are.

Those are six very
important years, Bob.

Those are the wonder years.

Oh, listen,
don't sit on the couch.

The pillows have
just been “poof ed?

UhJerry, you know that
consciousness-raising group that I started?

- Yeah.
- Well, it, uh, it just hasn't worked out.

- Oh, yeah?
- I've always considered women as equals.

[Scoffs]
Times have changed.

Yeah, I know.

You know, more and more of my female
patients are going to women psychologists.

I mean, all my
appointments are men.

You know, I haven't had
a woman in a week and a half.

A week and a half. I could tell you
a story that would make you cry.

Doorbell Buzzes

But my luck could change
any minute.

Ingrid.

Bob, this is
Ingrid BjCirn-Bjtirk.

Ingrid, I'd like you to meet
my good friend, Bob Hartley.

Glad to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, Miss Bjtirk.
- No, it's BjCirn-Bjtirk.

There's a... thing
and a couple of... over her “O“s.

Uh, how long have you
andjerry known each other?

Glad to meet you.

She, uh, doesn't
understand English, Bob.

Well, have a-
have a great eveningJerry.

I know you have
a lot to talk about.

- Right, Ingrid?
- Glad to meet you.

I knew you were
gonna say that.

Bob, is that you?

Yeah, honey.
just stay where you are.

[flattering]

Bob, are you all right?

Perfect, honey.
Everything's under control.

[Dishes Clattering]

Bob, what is going on in here?

Don't worry, honey.
just stay in bed.

Couldn't sleep, huh?

Bob, it's : in the morning.
I was worried about you.

Yeah, I know. I know
exactly what you're thinking.

You're thinking that I was out
carousing with the guys, right?

Well, I was out,
uh, carousing alone.

I think I'll make
some coffee, huh?

- Well, I'm gonna have some pizza.
- Bob, didn't you have anything to eat all night?

I had some, uh,
some olives at Guidds.

- Guido?
- Guido made the pizza.

Oh.

Pizza is Guido's life.

Guido taught me
what antipasto means.

What does it mean, Bob?

Against “paste?

By-By the same token,
provolone means: in favor of“volone.“

[Laughing]

Uh, Bob, don't you think
you should use a bigger cookie sheet?

This, uh, this will be fine.

Yeah, you did that
real well, Bob.

Uh, Emily, I want to, uh-

I want to say something,
so I'm, uh...

I'm just gonna say it.

Well, say it, Bob.

What?

Oh.

I always thought that
we had a great marriage...

until I found out
that it was, uh, typical.

Oh, Bob.
It's not typical.

Well, it's not - .

Well, a marriage doesn't have
to be - all the time.

It should just average out to - .

Ours is more like - .

Bob, Bob,
why don't you sit down?

I'd love to.

You know, I was thinking about something
tonight whenjoan was talking about her hair.

Emily, don't do
anything to your hair.

She looks like
she was electrocuted.

L-I was thinking about when I was a little
girl growing up in Seattle, you know.

And every summer, my father used to
take me white-water canoeing.

And it was really exciting,
you know, sh**ting the rapids...

the canoe pitching and tossing and rocking
and rolling, sometimes almost capsizing-

Emily, could we get through
the rapids a little quicker?

I'm sorry, honey.

Well, you see,
the summer that I turned ...

my father sat me down
and he said...

“Emilyjoyce, you're not
gonna go canoeing anymore.

I mean, you're a young lady now and you
should be doing more feminine things.“

So my mother enrolled me
in a ballroom dancing class...

and she dressed me up in a white pinafore
and white cotton gloves and Maryjanes.

And I never went canoeing again.

Bob, I want to go canoeing.

Oh, I get it.

You want to go canoeing.

Yeah, and it's not just that. I mean,
there are other things that I want to do...

that I don't do
'cause you don't want to.

Well, we'll just-
we'll go canoeing.

Well, I wasn't thinking we, Bob.

- F m gazing with A de/e and/oan.
- O h.

Is that okay, Bob?

Well, it's okay with me...

if it's all right with Chuck
and the United Parcel man.

You'll get a chance to ask them next week.
The men are invited to our session.

Me too?

Yeah, you too, Bob.

Well, I'll try to, uh...

try to squeeze it in,
Emilyjoyce.

- [ Timer D/ngs]
- Oh, there's your pizza. I'll get it.

Bob, where's the big spatula?
Have you seen it?

Yeah, I've seen it.

- Well, where is it?
- Wouldn't you like to know?

Okay, now, you're sure
you've got everything?

Life preserver, air mattress, toothbrush,
flashlight, mosquito repellent, suntan oil.

Honey, we went over that
times.

Well, honey, I just want to
make sure you're gonna be okay.

Don't worry. I'll call you
as soon as I get to the landing.

Oh, a dime.
You're gonna need a dime to call.

No, I've got a dime.
Bob, I'm gonna be all right.

- Okay.
- Honey, are you gonna be all right?

I'm gonna be fine.
Watch a little television, read some books.

I may start a new can
of bacon grease.

I'll bejust fine, hon.
I want you to go and have a good time.

Oh, uh-

Where are the poker chips
and the bourbon?

They're right next
to the spatula.

[ Mews]