03x10 - Life Is a Hamburger

[bunniefuu]

Well, uh, Mrs. Lockhurst,
andjudge Lockhurst...

I think we had a real good day.

Yes. He only banged on the desk
with your paperweight twice.

It's obvious what our problem is.

We should have never married
in high school. I knew it wasn't gonna last.

Why don't we- Why don't we get
into that next week?

Seventeen is just too young
to know a person.

She said she'd fill out.

You never filled out.

- Well, you sure did.
- [ Groans]

- Should I schedule another hearing for next week?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Bob, you remember Don, don't you?

Yeah. Hi, Don.
How, uh- How are your feet?

Oh, as sore as ever. Hmm.

Pain and the poet.
We trod the same path-

Tread... the same- Well.

- So, uh, that's how you earn your daily bread?
- [ Mouthing Words]

- You know, life is a lot like a loaf of bread.
- Really?

You know, it's like people
are thin slices of life.

The crust, the caraway seeds, the crumbs-

They're all part of it.

- Don't you see it, Bob?
- N-Now that you put it that way, yeah.

Oh, my writer.

Well, I gotta get back to the garret
and start tickling the old Underwood.

Don, are you still writing articles...

for, u h, Pharmaceuticals Illustrated?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

My next article's called
“Iodine, Schmiodine.“

Could be the most important
cut-and-bruise article ever written.

- I'm sure it will be.
- You [:an't be sure.

The only thing I can be sure of...

is this redhead over here.

- Huh? She's my sweet patootie.
-[Giggling]

Yeah, a darn good
little receptionist too.

Well, I'll see you later.
Oh, listen.

Remember that little thing
we discussed? It's our secret.

Absolutely.
Bye-bye, Don.

Bob, guess what.
I'm getting married.

Well, that- That's great.

-I know.
- Uh, that wasn't by any chance the little secret?

Oh, it sure was-
But I want it to stay that way.

- Bob, this is strictly between you and me.
- Mum's the word.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, E-Emily isn't home.

Oh.

I'll, uh-
I'll tell her later.

- Jerry, guess what. I'm getting married.
- What?

It's true- But it's a secret,
so don't tell anybody.

I don't believe it.
Well, I-l mean, I believe it.

That's fantastic.
Who's the lucky guy?

- Don Fezler.
- You mean the guy with the feet?

[ Laughs]
JerryJerry. He's more than that.

He's a writer. He's a creative,
sensitive human being.

- Yeah, I know. The guy with the feet.
- Right. The guy with the feet.

That's terrific, Carol.
Have you set the date yet?

- No, not yet.
- Good. Well, I mean, we got plans to make.

Gifts to buy, halls to rent.
You mind if I tell Bob?

- He already knows, but he's the only other one.
- Right.

- Carol, you waited, but you got
yourself a real winner. - Oh, thanksJer.

A real loser, Bob.
We can't let Carol marry that guy.

Fine. We'll k*ll him.

Bob, you know what I mean.
He's the dregs.

He's the bottom of the barrel.
He's nothin'.

Don't get me wrong. I like him,
but, uh, he's not right for Carol.

Well, he's all right.
He'sjusta little vague.

I mean, anyway,
it's Carol's decision.

I've never seen her so happy
and bubbling over.

Oh,yeah, she's a regular
Ronald McDonald.

That doesn't mean she knows
what she's doing, Bob.

I mean, the guy's
out of work half the time-

And what happens
if he loses thisjob?

With those feet, how's he gonna
stand in the unemployment line?

L-I understand this new
cut-and-bruise article of his...

is supposed to open up
a lot of new doors for him.

Come on, Bob, we can't
let this happen. We gotta head it off.

- Without k*lling him.
{Knocking}

Well, what are the plans?

Which plans?
P-Plans,yeah.

Uh, well, I'm gonna throw
this big engagement party...

- for you and Don at my place next, uh, Tuesday.
Jerry, thank you. Thank you.

- What's Don's favorite food?
- Anything.

Aha.

I get it.
We're gonna poison him.

What do you think?

Well, the O.K. Burger Corral,
so far, is, uh, okay.

It's clean and attractive,
and it has a cute theme.

If the food's any good,
I'll give 'em a good review.

Wow. My girl's a newspaperman.

[Chuckles]

Gosh. Three weeks on the Herald...

and already you're doing
your first hamburger feature.

With my own byline.
I just can't decide on the title.

Well, I still like the sound
of“Chopped Meat ls My Beat.“

We should get great service- You know,
because they want a good review.

Oh, Howard, I don't want them
to know they're being reviewed.

I just want to be treated
like a regular customer.

All right, here's your menus.

Make sure you're ready
to order when I get back.

“Service... surly.“

Look at this. All the hamburgers
are named after famous cowboys.

Thejessejames Burger.

The Buffalo Bill Burger.

You know, I may have
the Earp Burger.

Well, Bob only likes
his hamburgers with mustard...

sol think I'll order him a Yellow Belly.

All right, who's gonna open?

Uh-

Check to you, Howard.

I'll have the, uh-

uh, Hickok Burger...

and a Billy the Kidney Bean Salad.

I'll have a Grub Stake Burger
with Doc Hollandaise sauce.

Yeah, and I'll have
a Yellow Belly and, uh-

What's your name
for a plain tuna fish sandwich?

Tuna fish sandwich.
That's a good name for it.

- Howdy, partner.
- Smile when you say that, Howard.

It's an interesting place.

- I'll be the judge of that.
- Oh, that's right.

We're having dinner
with Lois Lane tonight, aren't we?

Howard, will you go
to the men's room?

I don't have to.

No, but I need you to check it out
so that I can review it.

Emily and I have already
checked out the Schoolmarms' Room.

Ah. I get it. Research.

- What do I look for?
- Tumbleweeds.

So, what's new at the office?

Oh, not much.
I got a new parking space...

the coffee machine's out of order
and Carol's getting married.

- You're kidding.
- No. Uh, parking space number .

No. Who's she getting married to?

Oh. Oh, that.
Uh, Don Fezler.

- Oh, no, Bob. Not the guy with the feet.
- That's right.

- What's wrong with his feet?
- Well, they don't work right.

Kind of like the rest of Don.

You knowJerry had
the same reaction.

I mean, Carol's the only one who
doesn't think she's making a mistake.

- Maybe she's running scared.
- Oh, but hobbling through life with Don...

is certainly not the answer.

Well, he couldn't be any worse
than most of the single guys you meet.

It's a jungle out there, Bob.
I was really lucky to find Howard.

It's that tough, huh?

- It's tough and it's cold.
- You haven't even tasted it yet.

No, I-
I didn't mean-

That's okay.
I just work here.

“Service- extremely surly.“

Wow! That Gunfighter Room
is really terrific.

You know, they carried the cowboy theme
right in there. You should see it.

- How was it?
- Perfect.

Except, uh, one saddle
was out of order.

Hey, I really like what you guys
have done with your apartment.

It's a lot nicer
than what it used to be.

Th-Thank you.

Uh, Don?
This isn't our apartment. lt'sjerry's.

On. Who's Jerry?

My friend from the office-
The orthodontist.

The guy with the nose?

Don, I couldn't help
noticing your sandals.

Oh,yeah. You like 'em, huh?

Yeah. They're called Dirt Shoes.

- How's it goingJimmy?
- lfsjerry.

Oh. Right. Right.
It's a very nice party.

Oh, thank you.
I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

- It's a shame that more of your friends
couldn't come. - Hey, no sweat.

What are friends anyway?

My friends are the trees-

The wind that whispers.

And, of course, Lou Benson,
but I haven't seen him since the seventh grade.

- Can you believe that clown?
-jerry, I don't know why you call him a clown.

Just because he, uh, he walks funny...

and his pants are kind of baggy and...

people laugh at him, I mean,
that doesn't mean he's a clown.

Well, those are some
very good reasons.

I guess what Bob means-
He's not wearing a red rubber nose.

Bob, you're absolutely right.

I've never seen Carol look so happy.

Uh, Don is a little strange.

- [ Chuckling] Oh.
- You too, Ellen?

I mean,just give the guy a chance.

I like Don.
Makes a lot of sense to me.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong about Don.

You know what he said
when I told him I was a navigator?

He said, uh, “Life is ajetliner.

“You've got your ups.
You've got your downs.

“And whatever you do...

try to get a window seat.“

- That is kind of beautiful.
- Thank you, Bob.

Hey, uh, everybody. Uh-

Everybody, could I, uh, have
your attention here a minute?

Oh, hey, that's kind of expensive.

Yeah, it's nice.

Listen, I'm, uh-
I'm gonna be marrying, uh-

- Carol.
- Uh, Carol here.

Anyway, I don't want any minister
putting words in our mouths.

I don't want, uh, any rings.

We don't even want a wedding cake.

- How about a gift?
- Well, we're not fanatics.

Anyway, uh, this is what...

I'm going to be saying
to Carol at the wedding...

and I'cljust like to kind of
bounce it off of you.

Don, honey, maybe these people
aren't interested.

Oh. Well, whoever doesn't
want to hear it can leave.

I mean,you know,
we're not bulls in a pen.

I mean, we can come and go.

Anyway, I'm glad you've all...

decided to stay,
and here's what it is.

“Now we're young
and firm of flesh...

“and our love will endure...

“even as we grow old
and our hair falls out...

“and ourjaws grow slack...

“and our skin becomes
wrinkled and loose...

- and ourjoints begin to“-
- Don. Don. Don.

- Honey, I think that'll be enough. Thank you.
- Was that too sentimental?

- Uh, yeah.
- Well, that's only the first draft.

-I know.
- [Jerry] I'm gonna get some ice.

Yeah, well, I think we gotta go too.

- Come on, Howard.
- Yeah, well, it was nice seeing you, Don.

Oh, yeah. it's my pleasure.
Listen, uh-

Good luck with your writing career.
Send me a copy of that article.

- Well, it's just about hamburgers.
- Life is a hamburger.

I thought you said
life was a jetliner.

No. It's a hamburger.

Fry some of the fat away,
take a couple of bites-

it's gone.

And so are we.

- Bye-bye.
- Nice talking to you.

- Bye.
- Well, what do you think, Bob?

It, uh, could be a hamburger.

Then again, it could be ajetliner.

Well, we'll get back
to you on that, Don.

- Good night. Good night, Carol.
- Night.

- Night. - Well, we might as well
be on our way too, huh, baby?

Uh, Don,we really should
helpjerry clean up.

Oh, I wish I had time, but I-

I mean, I gotta get my feet
in some hot water.

And besides that,
I'm really tired.

I know, I know. Listen. You go on,
and I'll call you in the morning.

I can't leavejerry with this mess.
You go on.

- You're fantastic.
- Oh.

Imagine what F. Scott Fitzgerald
could have done...

if he'd have had you instead ofZelda.

Bye.

- Where'd everybody go?
- Well, Don had to soak his feet.

- Where?
Jerry.

- Not here, at home.
- Oh, yeah.

- Come on. I'll helpyou clean up.
- No, don't bother with that.

The cleaning lady will get it
in the morning. Sit down.

- So, old Carol's gonna get herself married, huh?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna take that great big step
with that terrific guy.

- Isn't he somethingJerry?
- Yeah, he's really something else.

- Carol, I'm gonna hate to lose you.
- Aw. I'll be around.

Yeah, but it won't be the same.

HeyJerry, you know, maybe you and-

Uh, Carol, that never happened.

No.

Well, neither did this.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- HLJerry. You waiting for a bus?
- Oh, hi, Bob.

No, I just came into the office early
to catch up on the sports.

- Oh. Come on in.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Thought you played, uh,
played tennis every Wednesday morning.

Oh, do I, Bob?

Every, uh- Every Wednesday
for the past three years.

Oh, really, Bob?
[Chuckles]

- What's that?
- Oh, this is called the Breakfast Sizzler.

It's a...

hamburger with an orange slice
on a bran muffin.

I promised Ellen I'd review it for her.

Boo.

Bob, you'll never guess
what happened last night...

between Carol and me
after you left.

- What happened? You get involved?
- Boy, did I ever.

- You're- You're kidding.
- No, and I don't even know whyl did it, Bob.

I mean, there we were,
alone in my apartment.

I was sitting here. She was
sitting there, about where you are.

I looked into her eyes, and all of
a sudden I-l couldn't think straight.

The hair on the back
of my neck got all bristly.

Then I... touched her.

- Then some strange feeling, Bob.
I didn't know what- Jerry?

L, uh-l don't think
we should go any further.

Bob, there was passion.
There was chemistry between us.

I mean, we had a real relationship.

]e_rry, you mean
you're In love with Carol?

Oh, no. Nothing like that.

Wh-Wh-What's love, Bob?I mean,
love's a word. Who knows what love is?

- Don probably does.
- Don!

Maybe that's why I did it.
I just don't want Carol to marry that guy.

- Well, are you gonna marry her?
- No, I'm not gonna marry anybody right now.

Then you gotta let her go. I mean,
Don's made a commitment, and you haven't.

Are you kiddin'? It's not gonna be easy
after last night tojust get rid of her.

I mean, she's crazy about me, Bob.

Okay.

- Here we are.
- [Knocking]

- Coming.
- [Chirp/mg]

lust a minute.

justa minute.

- Oh, hi, Carol.
- Hi, Emily.

Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, but shouldn't you be at work?

Yeah, I should be, but I've got
something on my mind...

and I've gotta talk to somebody...

who isn't holding a duck.

Oh. Well, Lucky and I don't have
to be in class for a few minutes.

What is it?
Is it something about Don?

Uh, no, no, no.
It's aboutjerry.

- [ Chirping Continues]
- Oh?

Yeah, I stayed, uh-
I stayed at his apartment...

for a little while
after everybody left last night.

- Oh.
- And, you know, things just sort of happened.

- U h-h u h.
- I'm not gonna bore you with the details.

No, well, you know-
Whatever you feel.

I'm just trying to think why
I consciously threw myselfatjerry.

Well, Carol, I know so little about it.

It couldn't have been
a romance, could it?

Well, I don't know.
I mean, that depends on what went on.

-I mean, a little or a lot?
- [ Chuckles] Really, it's not important.

Oh, it didn't mean that much.
I mean, uh-

You know what's important here
is that I'm engaged to Don, right?

- Right.
- Then why am I fooling around withjerry?

Emily, I have a bona fide
marriage proposal here.

Well, look, Carol. You don't have
to worry. I mean, there's no rush.

Carol, I didn't get married
till I was almost .

Wonderful. Then I won't worry
until two years ago.

Carol, there is absolutely no panic.

Ah, yes, there is, Emily. Yes.

Listen. I want a full marriage,
complete with children.

- And that can take time.
- Well, I know.

Can't you see why I need your advice,
and why I'm in a hurry?

Well, Carol, I-

I-I really don't know
what advice to give you.

- Oh. Okay.
- [ Chirping Continues]

I'll ask the duck.

Carol, look, there is
one thing I'm sure of...

and that is that you should
not marry anybody...

unless you're absolutely sure
that you're in love with him.

Well, I'm not really
in love withjerry.

- Well, are you in love with Don?
- Oh, I don't know.

I guess maybe.
[Chuckles] I mean-

Well, he is a little
possessive sometimes...

and when you get right down to it, he can
be annoying and I guess a little boring.

What do you think of him?

- Carol, you really want to know?
- Oh, I do. Now you be honest.

Well, I never did think Don was
right for you, and I do agree with you.

I mean, he's boring
and he's annoying and-

Uh, did you say “insensitive“?

- No.
- I thinkyou should add that.

Just a minute, Emily.

Do you thinkyour marriage
is such a bargain?

He is not a perfect person, Bob.

- Oh.
- Listen. This is a man-

[Ringing]

Hello. Dr., uh, Robinson's office.

Ricky- Uh, Ricky Rasmussen.

Justa minute.

Uh, yeah, he's with
Dr. Robinson right now.

Yeah, I can get a message to him,
Mrs. Rasmussen.

“Ricky, you- You did it again.

You left without feeding
the dog and making your“-

M-Mrs. Rasmussen?
Yeah, could you slow down just a bit?

I don't take shorthand.

R-Reached the end of your rope.

Best years of your life.

L-I don't know what's wrong with
kids today either, Mrs. Rasmussen.

All right, I'll get it to him.
Good-bye.

Not as easy as it looks, huh, Bob?

Oh, glad to see you. I was beginning
to wonder if you were ever gonna show up.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.
I was talking to Emily.

- Oh. Anything important?
- No, no, no.just my life.

Yeah, I was talking tojerry
about the same thing.

Bob, now what happened between
Jerry and me doesn't change anything.

It, uh, sure fooled him.

Well, I guess I better
talk to him, huh?

- Yea h.
- [ Phone Rings]

[Ringing Continues

You gonna get that?

Yeah. Sure.

Hello?

N-No, he hasn't come out yet,
Mrs. Rasmussen.

You- You wanna add something?
Okay.

He'll have children
of his own one day.

I'll get that message to him.
Right. Good-bye.

Oh, uh-

Ricky, you wanna read that?

Kids today.

Listen, I, uh-

I'll buzzjerry, and I'd appreciate it...

if you'd go in my office
and settle this as soon as possible.

- Hmm.
- And, uh...

show me how to buzzjerry.

H-H-Hello?

[Jew]
Yeah, Bob? Who's next?

Uh, you're nextjerry.
Can you come out here a minute?

Sure.

Well, I'm gonna call everything off, Bob.
I just need more time.

You know what you're, uh,
you're gonna say to him?

I don't know exactly
what I'm gonna say...

but I'm sure when I sit
in your magic chair...

it'll all come together.

Yeah, Bob, what's up?

Uh, Carol's in my office.
She wants to talk to you.

- Oh. Uh, she was pretty shook up, huh?
- A little.

Well, love can do funny things, Bob.

Don't worry about it.

I'll let her down real easy.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Hey'.!

How come you're sitting
on my little Miss Muffet's tuffet?

She's, uh-
She's using my tuffet.

Oh.

Oh, I get what you're doing.

- You switched places.
- I'll tell Carol you're here.

Oh, there's no rush.

I just dropped by to, uh,
show her the new draft on the vows.

- Hey, hLJimmy.
- Hi, Don.

- UhJerry, is, uh, everything okay?
- Yeah?

Oh, yeah, it's fine, Bob.
She took it just great.

- Hi, baby.
- Hi, Don.

- Bob, could I use your office for
another talk with Don? - Yeah, sure.

- Wait till you read the second draft of the vows.
- Oh, uh, Don?

- H u h?
- When you and Caro/are finished...

uh, talking, I have a...

free hour if you, you know,
just wanna stay in there.

- Why would I wanna do that?
- I don't know just-just a hunch.

[Ringing]

Dr. Robinson's office.

Yeah, he's on his way home,
Mrs. Rasmussen.

I know he's very tough to handle.

Look at it this way.
Life is a- a hamburger.

There you are.
Chew it slowly.

If you're thirsty,
there's your water.

And if you're not,
just let it roll off your back.

[Chuckles]

- You know, it's a heartwarming scene.
- Hmm?

A man, his wife and their duck.

Except it's not our duck.
It belongs to the school.

- Then why doesn't he live there?
- Because thejanitofs afraid of ducks.

You know, I looked
all through the paper...

and I can't find Ellen's article...

- and I was sure it was in today's paper.
- Oh, dear.

I hope it's not the section
I lined Luckys cage with.

- I'm afraid it is.
- Oh.

“Chicago's Best Burger Bets.“

Oh. How'd the O.K. Burger
Corral do?

Which one do you want first...

Ellen's opinions, or the duck's?

[ Mews]