03x09 - Ship of Shrinks

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Bob, you really look spiffy.

- Who died?
- What do you mean by that?

Well, you only wear that suit
to funerals and, uh...

every time your first book
is published.

Oh, is a book
coming out today? I'd forgotten.

Oh.

Anyway, it isn't a book, Emily.
it's just a chapter in a book.

So don't make
any big deal out of it.

Is that why you're taking
a bottle of champagne to the office?

Well, I thought the, you know, the publisher
might stop by with a book.

And there might be photographers.
You know, that kind of nonsense.

But it's not nonsense.

I mean, you're an author.

You know, that's right. I'm an author.
I'm gonna be published...

right along with some of the most respected
psychologists in America.

Bob, you know,
lam so proud of you.

- You should be.
- Yeah.

Well, while you're drinking your champagne
and having your picture taken...

I think I'm gonna go get
a new bathing suit for Hawaii.

What's wrong with the old one,
the one with the pleats?

Bob, they're not wearing that these days.
This is what they're wearing.

Oh, my God.

Well, those are
new string bikinis.

It just seems like there
isn't enough, uh, string.

All right.
I'll get a regular bikini.

Or would you rather
I got a one-piece?

Well, as long as you're buying a bikini,
you'd oughta get both pieces.

And don't forget, Emily...

it is a psychologists'
convention...

and psychologists
can be a little stodgy, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Listen, as long as
you're going out to buy one...

buy the best-looking bikini
you can find.

- Even a string? - Yeah, but remember,
you are married to an author...

andjust try to keep in mind
what Mrs. Freud might have worn.

Jerry, I'm really glad you're here.
I need you.

That's what all the women say.

- Just help me tie the knot, please.
- Yeah, they say that too.

- Thank you.
- Feels kind of cheap. It's not for me, is it?

No, it's for Bob.
Our book is coming out today.

Our book. What do you mean, our book?
It's Bob's book.

- What did you have to do with it?
- I typed it, didn't I?

-I mailed it.
- Big deal.

- You're just jealous.
- jealous?

What have I got
to bejealous about?

Because Bob wrote a -page chapter
in some obscure psychology book?

[Chuckles] I mean, it's not like
he invented Lavoris or something.

Jerry, you're not gonna
soft-pedal this.

This is an important day,
and you are not gonna ruin it for me and Bob.

- How can you make such a big deal over nothing?
- [ Elevator Bell Dings]

Author! Author!
There he is! Hey, Bobby!

How does it feel
to be a big-time writer?

- Jerry, let's not blow this out of proportion,
okay? - Blow this out of proportion.

Get him, Carol. The man is trying
to soft-pedal the fact that he wrote a book.

GeeJerry, I thought
it was only a chapter.

Champagne!

That's just in case, you know,
the coffee machinejammed.

It's very thoughtful of you, Bob.
And here's a little gift from the two of us.

- Thank you very much.
- No, no, no, please don't thank me, Bob.

All I did was pick it out,
wrap it and pay for it.

I'm gonna chip in for it
if I like it.

It's a flashlight.

That's- That's what I thought
it was, yeah.

I'm not gonna chip in for that.

Carol, what's it for?

Well, Bob, you know,
when it gets dark...

you push that,
and the light comes out, uh-

- Oh.
- Why don't I get some glasses for the champagne.

I'll open it.

Well, Bob, this is your big clay.
You're a literary giant.

Look,jerry,
I'm just a contributor.

- Dr. Murray Kalisher put the whole book together.
- Oh, yeah? Who's that?

Dr. Murray Kalisher. He wrote
the most famous book on hypnosis ever written.

Oh, yeah?
Did you read it?

I started to,
but I got drowsy, you know?

I don't know what it is around here,
You can't find any regular glasses.

I got these from Tupperman's lab.

Uh, Carol, why don't we
just use the paper cups?

- He's here!
- Hey, are you Dr. Kalisher?

No, I'm Milt. I'm supposed to deliver this
to a Dr. Robert Hartley.

- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, here it is!
- I'm supposed to collect . .

Sure, pay him, Bob, will ya?

I thought they send you
one free copy.

Well, Bob, they probably wanted to
get the sales off to a good start.

- Come on,jerry, open it up.
- Okay, okay, here it is.

“The Big Couch: Seventeen Psychologists
on Psychology.

Edited by Dr. Murray Kalisher.“

Look at that list of names.
There he is!

- Where? Where?
- “Dr. Murray Kalisher, Director of Hypnotherapy.

“University of Chicago. Chairman of the
American Hypnotherapeutic Association.

- B.A. Amherst. M.A. Stanford. Ph.D. Columbia.“
Wow!

- There's Bob!
- Where?

“Robert Hartley,
Chicago, Illinois.“

You went to college,
didn't you, Bob?

- Jerry, let me see the book.
- No, no,just in a minute.

- I wanna find your chapter here.
- Me too!

- Me too.
- Me too.

Here it is. “The Importance
of Office Furniture in Psychology.“

Starts on page ,
and ends on page...

.

Two-

- Two pages?
- Honest, Bob, I mailed all .

Let me see the bookJerry.

It's two pages.

I guess office furniture
isn't the be-all and end-all after all.

They cut out desks and paintings
and throw rugs.

The only thing
that's left is chairs.

Well, Bob, they probably ran out of space, right?
They probably cut everybody down.

Yeah, they cut Dr. Kalisher
down to pages.

You know, I'm really
upset about this.

I know how you feel. I just got
my pant leg caught in my bicycle chain.

Well, I like it, Bob.

I mean, I really do.
Even though it's two pages...

it's still the best chapter
in the book.

I mean, it leaves you
wanting more.

He didn't want
any more from me.

Oh, Bob, it's good. I mean, it's real good.
Ellen, you read it.

- You tell him how good it is.
- Oh, I'd like to read it.

I just don't understand
how they could chop it up like that.

Oh, honey,
there's still plenty left.

Hmm, well, I enjoyed it.

You, uh-
You read it that fast?

Oh, well, uh,
I couldn't put it down.

Uh, I thought everything you said
made a lot of sense, Bob.

- See?
- I mean, I never had any idea...

the loose pillow-backed
traditional armchair...

was friendlier than
a Danish modern love seat.

You thought
it didn't matter, didn't you?

Oh, sure it matters.

It's just that, well, I would have
thought it was just the opposite.

It isn't.

No, no, I know that now,
and I'm glad.

Yeah. Well, I think this trip
is coming atjust the right time, Bob.

You can put this book
right out of your mind.

No, I can't.

Every psychologist in that book
is gonna be on the plane to Hawaii.

I'll be lucky
if they don't throw poi at me.

[Clicks Tongue]
Come on now, Bob.

We're gonna have a good time.

I don't know
what you're so anxious about.

You're afraid to fly as far as Dayton.

Yeah, but this is Hawaii.
lfwe make it, it'll be worth it.

Boy, I'd love to go
to Hawaii sometime.

- Well, you can take my place.
- Oh, Bob...

whatever happened to that old Hartley quality
of bouncing back after a fall?

What old Hartley had that quality?

You did. Don't you remember
when we were little?

Well, the way you bounced back
after your clog ran away.

You know, I still feel
bad about that.

But old Shep
will come back one day.

Old Shep would be over O now.

Yeah, but he'd still remember me.

Aloha!

What are you
so happy about, Howard?

[Sighs]
Hi. Well, I'll tell ya.

I'm happy because
I've got good news.

Ellen, it took a lot of wheeling
and dealing, but, uh, I did it.

Isn't that super?

Well, what do you think?

Howard, I'll know what to think
when you tell me what you did.

Oh, didn't I tell ya?
Well, uh, we're going to Hawaii together.

Oh,you mean, Bob and Emily
are going to Hawaii.

No, we're going with them,
We're all going together. Isn't that super?

- Us?
- Yeah!

Oh, Howard, that's fantastic!

That's not the best news.
Guess who's going to be your navigator.

- Who?
- Me.

Isn't that super?

Uh, well, I, uh-
I guess it is.

Uh, Bob, is it?

Doesn't make any difference to me.

Oh, honey, do you know
what this means?

Oh, boy, I can take care
of you right on the plane.

I can come back, and when you're cold,
I can give you a blanket.

You know, when you're hot,
I can turn on the air.

And when you wanna read,
I can turn on the light.

And when you wanna go to sleep,
I can turn off the light.

And, uh, well,you'll have to
get your own pillow.

I'm not allowed to handle those.

And, you know, everybody will have peanuts,
and I can get you macadamias.

[Chuckles]
Honey, I don't like macadamias.

Does that mean you won't go?

No, Howard, of course I'll go. I think
it's just the greatest thing in the world.

Oh, that's great.
Oh, it's going to be the greatest trip ever.

- I'm gonna do so many things for you.
- Uh, Howard-

Uh, how much do you plan
to do for Ellen?

I mean, uh,you do plan
to do a little navigating, don't you?

Oh, don't worry, Emily.
It's going to be the smoothest trip ever.

Oh, I hope so.

- Bob, where are you going?
- I'm gonna take the trash out.

And then I think
I'll go look for old Shep.

I didn't write this book
because Bob wrote a book.

I wrote it because
kids need a good book about teeth.

- Uh-huh.
- Besides, if Bob can write a book, anybody can.

I see.
"Tooth Or Consequences...

- by Dnjerome Merle Robinson.“
- Right.

- Merle?
- Right.

- Pretty.
- [ Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, hi. Listen, I'm sorry about Bob's book.

- Yeah.
- Wanna read mine?

No. I really think
that we just wanna see Bob.

So do I, but he won't come out
of his office.

Oh, well, then we'll go in.

- Whatever you do, don't tell him I'm writing
a book. - Oh, no, don't worry. We won't.

Aw, go ahead, tell him.
What's the difference?

- Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
- Hi, dear.

Oh, that's all right. I was just waiting
for a call from The Tonight Show.

Uh, Bob, Ellen and I werejust shopping
for a bathing suit for her...

and, uh, well,
she's got a problem.

Did you try thejunior department?

That's not her problem, Bob.
Ellen needs to talk to you.

- What about?
- Well, it's about Howard.

- What about him?
- Well, it's complicated.

- What is it?
- He's ajerk.

That sounds simple enough
on the surface.

Well,you see, Howard is ruining
Ellen's trip to Hawaii...

because, well,
he went there on his honeymoon...

and he thinks it's bad luck to do the same things
with Ellen that he did with his first wife.

And, uh, there isn't
very much they didn't do.

Well, it was
their honeymoon.

He says that we can't go
to Diamond Head orWaikiki.

Luaus are out.
So is Maui.

Snorkeling, sunset cruises
and breakfast.

Doesn't leave much, does it?

It leaves Molokai.

That sounds nice.

It's a leper colony, Bob.

The whole point is that I just do like
to be told what I can and cannot do.

So, what should I do?

I would talk
to Howard rationally.

Best way you can.

Words, Bob.
I need the words.

Well, I'djust tell him in no uncertain terms
that superstition is one thing...

but when it leads
to dictatorial behavior...

it's counterproductive
and harmful to a healthy relationship.

Well, he certainly should
be able to understand that.

- I hope he does.
- lfhe doesn't understand that, he's ajerk.

Well, it's all finished.
The first draft is done.

Every word is a gem.
And there's no way they can cut it.

Fifty dollars,jer.
A buck a page. Get it up.

All right, all right, you'll get it.
First I want you to read it to Ellen and Emily.

Oh, honey,
I don't think we have time.

No, you've got plenty of time. Go ahead, Carol.
Read it. Have fun with it, kids.

“Hi. I'm Tommy Tooth.

“Brush me. Brush me.

“Up and down.

Don't eat too many sweets.“

Bob, do you think
we have too much luggage?

No, I think it's just about right
if we plan to live in Hawaii permanently.

Well, I don't wanna
weight down the plane.

Emily, believe me, a plane
is one of the safest ways to fly.

Oh, Bob.

I wanna believe you.
I mean, I really wanna believe you.

Hi, Hi, Howard.

Howard, is there
something wrong?

Wrong?
What could be wrong?

Here's your ticket, Bob.
The one with “B“ is for Bob.

The one with “E-M“
is for Emily.

That's my way
of identifying tickets.

See this- “E-L"?

That was supposed
to be for Ellen.

We had a terrible fight,
and now she's not going.

See this- “N-G“- not going.

Oh, Howard, that's
a terrible shame.

Yeah, T.S.

- Howard, we're really sorry.
- Why? How should I know why?

Shejust flew off the handle.
She's talking crazy.

I mean, she called me
superstitious, dictatorial...

and counterproductive.

I didn't know what she meant
till she called me ajerk.

- Now she's not going, and I don't wanna go.
- Howard, you have to go.

- You're the navigator.
- I don't care.

Well, Howard...

we ca re.

Oh, that's because you're my friends.

We have better reasons, Howard.

Look, don't worry.
I can fly that plane with my eyes closed.

[Groans]

But you aren't planning on doing that
tonight, are you, Howard?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
I've seen the weather report.

You won't be able
to see anything anyway.

Oh!

But they do have radar,
don't they, Howard?

Yeah, if you wanna
count on it.

You'd be better off
to stick your head out the window...

and listen for the ukulele music.

Uh, listen, Bob.

Why don't we take a later flight?
You know, later in the year.

Emily, don't worry.
Howard's gonna be all right. Right, Howard?

Yeah, I'll be all right,
as soon as I finish this drink.

- Oh, Bob.
- Howard, we're taking offin two hours.

- You can't have a drink.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.

Boy, I'm gonna teach Ellen a lesson.
She's gonna miss us when we're gone.

While we're gone.

I, uh- I hate to say this,
but it's time to go.

I'm not going.

Emily, don't be silly. Howard will
pull himself together. Right, Howard?

Yeah, let's get the hell
outta here. Okay?

Emily, you're doing just fine.

You can take your hands off the armrests.
We've been up over an hour.

Emily,just try to relax.

No, I am relaxed, Bob.

You know, Bob,
we've had a good marriage.

And it's gonna get better.

Everything is fine.
We're still heading west.

I don't care where we're headed, Bob.
I wanna get off.

In this weather?

Look, Emily,
no one else is afraid.

Well, they don't know
the navigator.

That isn't it at all.
They're highly respected psychologists.

They're mature,
sophisticated people.

Excuse me. Does scissors cut rock
or does rock break scissors?

- Rock breaks scissors.
- Thank you very much. Rock breaks scissors.

Are you one of us?

Well, I'm a psychologist
if that's what you mean.

Oh, yeah?
Well, where's your shirt?

- I was saving it for Hawaii.
- Oh.

I'm Dr. Rimmer.

- Oh, uh, Bob Hartley.
- Oh, Hart- Hartley.

Oh, you're the one
whose chapter was, uh-

Actually, it was-

Now you see?
He's relaxed.

Bob, I can't relax, as long as I know
Howard is in that cockpit.

Well, relax.
He isn't in the cockpit anymore.

What?

He's probably on his way
to the restroom.

Then why is he fondling
that empty seat?

Bob, get Howard
back in the cockpit.

- Right.
- But don't leave me.

I'll get someone
to sit next to you.

Uh, Madeline? Madeline?

- Hi, Bob.
- Emily, this is Madeline. Murray Kalishefs wife.

- Oh, hello. How are you?
- Fine. Fine.

Oh, I'm sorry
about your chapter, Bob.

That's all right.

Would you mind sitting next
to Emily for a few minutes?

- She's a little nervous about the trip.
- Really? [ Laughs]

My dear, there is
absolutely nothing to it.

Look at me.
I'm not the least bit frightened.

I know. I wish I could be that way.
How do you do it?

I'm hypnotized.

Murray puts me under
just to make things easy for me.

Then when the trip is over,
he snaps his fingers and I wake up.

- Oh, I wish I were hypnotized.
- Oh, you don't need it.

Neither do I really.
I just love traveling like this on the train.

Howard, what are you
doing back here?

Uh, this is it, Bob, - .

It's the best seat in the house.

See that headrest?

That's where Ellen's head
would have been resting.

Howard, you have
a big responsibility here.

Yeah, I know, Bob. For a while,
I felt like bailing out, but I'm okay now.

Well, I thinkyou made
the right choice.

No, I'm really okay, Bob. Everything-
That's Ellen's seat!

I'm sorry.
I didn't realize this seat was taken.

- It's okay, Murray.
- Hi, Bob.

Bob, is he all right?

He's not the pilot, is he?

- Uh, no.
- Good.

- The navigator.
- Not good.

Doctor, is that man
under your care?

No, we'rejust friends.
We're having a little chat.

Well, if you ask me, your friend
is suffering severe flight fatigue...

- bordering on psychosis.
- Now wait a minute, Rimmer.

That might be a little extreme.

- Murray, the guy is wacko.
- Sorry.

But I think we'd better
let Bob handle it.

- Him?
- Professional courtesy, Rimmer.

- This is the guy whose chapter was, uh-
- Shh. Shh.

Howard, sit down.

Howard, Ellen
still loves you, Howard.

Why isn't she here?

Howard, let me try to explain
the way I think that she feels.

Remember I told you the story
about my dog, old Shep.

He ran away when I was a kid.

- Yeah.
- Well, we got another dog.

A new Shep.

I didn't wanna lose him,you know?
Sol chained him in the backyard.

I wouldn't let him run.
I wouldn't give him any freedom, you know.

I wouldn't let him be a dog.

I was afraid I'd make the same mistakes
I had made with old Shep.

- That's smart, Bob.
- No, Howard, it's dumb.

Because the dog hated me.
And the first chance he got, he ran away.

I bet you won't do that
with your next dog.

Now, Howard, the point is
you can't keep Ellen chained up.

You gotta let her run.
Let her bury her bones.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, Bob,
I know what you mean.

Look, I'd like to
talk dogs with you...

but I gotta go
and get back to work.

Howard, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll bring this plane in just like that.

[Snaps Fingers]

Murray! Murray, call the conductor!
The train is flying!

- Did the mail come yet?
- ltjust got here.

- Here's a postcard from Bob.
- Hey, read it.

“Having a wonderful time.
Wish you were here.“

Isn't that sincere?

Hey, here's something for you.

- Hey, it's from my publisher.
- Maybe it's your rejection notice.

- Three pages long.
- Oh, read it.

[Sighs]
“Sorry... not... interested.“

[ Mews]