08x06 - Monkeys, Lies and Withholding
Posted: 09/05/22 02:00
[island-style music plays]
- Hi, you still there?
- Yes, sir.
Could you give me that
password again, please?
- Yes. Okay, the
password is "shmooey."
- "Snoopy?"
- N... shmooey.
S-H-M-O-O-E-Y.
If that doesn't work, try
shmooey or Dshmooey.
Capital D, lowercase shmooey.
- What's a shmooey?
- Nothing. It's just... it's a
made-up, all-purpose word.
You know, like, "Hey, I
can't find the shmooey."
Or "What happened to
the shmooey for the thing?
You know? Or "Oh, no! I just
broke the thing off the shmooey
so now the whole
shmooey's no good," like that.
- Ah. Like "thing-a-ma-jig."
- Exactly.
- A "what-cha-ma-call-it."
- You got it.
- A "doo-hickey."
- I think we're on
the same page.
Well, in our house
we just say "shmooey."
Like, so every account
my wife and I have...
Online, ATM, all the
passwords are "shmooey."
Probably shouldn't have
told you all that, but...
- Can I put you
on a brief hold, sir?
- Yeah, okay, but
listen, when you people
say "brief" it's never really...
[monkey laughing,
island-style music plays]
♪
[easygoing music]
♪
- ♪ Tell me why
♪ I love you like I do
♪ Tell me who
♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪
♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪
♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪
♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier
- ♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
- ♪ Final frontier
[island-style music
playing, monkey laughing]
[door opens]
- Hey, you.
- I'm on hold.
- So I'm walking the dog
and this really cute young guy
on a bike says,
"What's his name?"
- Oh, cute guy? So
was he hitting on you?
- Calm down. He was
like and super hot.
- I'm much, much more calm now.
- I tell him he
doesn't have a name,
and he says, "Yes, he
does. He looks like a Walter."
What do you think? Walter?
- I don't know. Who
names a dog Walter?
- Who names a dog Murray?
- Hey, you make a
good point. I don't know.
Hi, Walter. [barks loudly]
Huh. Walter it is.
- Ha.
- Hey, hey, okay.
- You're changing
for dinner, right?
- Uh, I guess.
- Your mother made
the reservation for : .
- Yeah, I know. Who
eats dinner at : ?
- Retirement community people.
- Yeah, why : ?
- I'm guessing : and :
gets snapped up pretty quick.
- [sighs] So listen to this.
I'm looking over our
credit card statement.
Do you know we've been
paying for like the last years
$ . a month for something
called "M.C. International"?
- Mr. Buchman?
- Speak of the devil... yes, hi.
- Is Maber Buchman there?
- "Maber"?
- It seems the account was
opened by Maber Buchman,
so he or she...
- She.
- She's the only one authorized
to close the account.
- Okay, no, but I'm...
I'm Maber's father.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Would you like to
speak to Maber's mother?
- Stop saying Maber.
- I'm afraid only
Maber can handle this.
- Ok... fine, I'll have Maber
get in touch with you then.
Thank you for not
quite helping me.
- Thank you for
calling Monkey Cove.
- I remember Monkey Cove.
Mabel used to love that game.
- Yeah, but $ . a
month for years?
We could've bought
our own monkey.
Then we'd have a monkey.
[cell phone buzzes]
- [sighs]
- Hey, Monkey, it's your father
calling about something
critically important.
Call me back.
You notice I said critically.
- She's not calling you back.
What's "CCTY"?
- Huh?
- There's a charge
here, $ . for CCTY.
Here's another one
last month. What is that?
- Oh, I thought I
mentioned that to you.
It's a... it's a cigar thing.
Cigar Club... something.
Every month they send
you a couple of nice cigars.
- Since when?
- A couple of months
ago I signed up. "To You"!
- What?
- CCTY.
Cigar Club To You.
That's what it's called.
- Oh. You never told me.
- I thought I did.
Okay, I didn't. I
didn't, but you...
- How well do you know me?
- I know.
- And if we're keeping
secrets from each other...
- That's not a secret.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, I just
know you don't love
that on occasion I smoke
an occasional cigar.
- I don't.
- Right, so I didn't
want to bother you.
- And yet, here I am bothered,
so how's that working out?
- Not so good! Really.
All right, terrific, so
now we can have this
hanging in the air
during the lovely dinner
with my mother. Terrific.
- I'm excited to
meet this new guy.
- Ugh. Okay, I'm
telling you right now.
If she calls him a boyfriend
or anything like that,
I swear...
- Be happy she met someone.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- I think it's sweet she
wants us to meet him.
- Yeah, yeah, plus,
it's like an hour and half
on the train to get there.
- Paul, what is the
real issue here?
- It's not an Oedipus
thing, like I'm afraid
he's replacing my
father, anything like that,
if that's what you're
thinking, Dr. Freud.
- Then what is it?
- It's just this guy.
I don't want him
touching my mommy.
- How long have
you lived here, Ralph?
- Not long. I lived
at a community
down in Tampa
for a couple years.
But this is much nicer.
And the lady residents
are much nicer too.
- [chuckles]
Such a flatterer.
[laughing]
Paulie, jump into
the conversation.
The water's fine.
- Yeah, no, no, all good.
- Or maybe your
phone is so fascinating.
- No, I wasn't looking at it.
I'm expecting an important call.
- [mouthing words]
- Okay.
- So how was the train ride out?
Not too terrible, I hope.
- No, it was fine.
- Good
'cause when I didn't
see you two for so long,
I thought maybe the trains
don't come out this far anymore.
So what else is news?
- I started working again.
- Oh, good for you, sweetheart.
What are you doing?
- I'm a therapist.
- You?
- Meaning?
- Oh, nothing, I suppose.
Why not? You've always
been a good listener.
Bert used to say... My
wonderful late husband,
may he rest in peace...
He always used to say
Jamie was an excellent listener.
- I don't recall him
ever saying that.
- Well, maybe you
weren't listening.
Ralph, tell them what
you did for a living.
- Oh, it was a long time ago.
- So modest.
Ralph used to play baseball
for the major leagues.
- Really?
- This was before your time.
Washington Senators.
to .
- Wait, wait, hold on. What?
- I played third base,
and again, only for...
- Wait a second. Ralph Martoni?
You're that Ralph Martoni?
- My handsome baseball player.
- Holy shit!
- Language.
- Sorry.
Holy shit. We...
My cousin Ira and I, we
used to trade baseball cards
and I swear I
remember your card.
You... they used
to call you "Catfish."
- Good for you. Me
and Catfish Hunter.
- Yeah.
- But I was the first one.
- "Bats lefty, throws righty."
- Very good.
- Oh, my God, Ralph Martoni!
Ralph Martoni.
It's Ralph Martoni!
Look at... [mumbling]
What about Yo-Yo Davalillo?
I always loved that name.
- We gave him that name, Yo-Yo.
- Really?
- His real name was like
a yard and a half long.
[both laugh]
- And he was short, right?
Like, the shortest guy
to ever play in the majors.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah.
Gene Verble? First base?
- Second.
- Second base.
- Satchel, we called him.
- What about...
[continues indistinctly]
- I like that they're
getting along,
but this is ridiculous.
How long have they been at it?
- An hour and ten minutes.
- I'm years old.
I don't have this kind
of time. Stop them.
- Bunky Stewart. You ever
play with Bunky Stewart?
- Honey, do you remember
we have that thing in the city?
- Nope. So...
- Well, I remember. Get up.
So nice to meet you.
- Oh, okay, gotta go.
Well, this is a pleasure.
Y'know, I'll come back.
We'll do this some more, right?
Ma, what a guy...
What a great guy.
Nice to see you.
Remember, Cookie Rojas?
- Say bye-bye.
- Gotta go. Bert Campaneris?
You ever... Zoilo Versalles.
That was a good one.
- You're kidding. The Catfish?
- Yep.
- Your mother is dating
Ralph The Catfish Martino?
- I don't know if I would
use the word "dating."
- Oh, they're dating.
- What... what do you mean?
- That nice guy
you like so much?
He's touching your mommy.
- That is so cool.
- Okay, do you mind?
- You know what, I have
some very exciting news
of my own that may
even top your news.
- Oh, really? What, your
mother bang Carl Yastrzemski?
See, it's not so funny
when it's your mother, is it?
- I got the results back
from the DNA test that I took.
- And? Are you Italian?
- Didn't even open it
yet. I was waiting for you.
- That's very sweet.
- So you could eat
a little Italian crow.
- Corvo.
- Huh?
- The bird, the crow. Si.
Corvo. Or la cornacchia.
Ah, grazie. [smooches]
Okay, corvo. Here we go.
Click on it, baby.
- Okay.
Um, but listen, if
for whatever reason,
you don't get the
answer you want...
- You know what, I don't
even want you to do it now.
You're gonna drip
your bitter skepticism
all over everything.
Here you go. You try.
You're a much nicer person.
- Hmm.
- Go ahead, click.
- Oh, dear.
- What? Is she messing with me?
Is this like a little fake-out
before she tells me I'm Italian?
- I don't think
that's a fake-out.
- Okay, so you telling
me it's not a fake-out?
Is that the fake-out?
- Ira, remember:
no test is infallible.
What's important is what
you believe in your heart.
- Trust me, I know.
Every fiber in my being,
I know that I'm Italian.
- You're not Italian.
- Take that back.
- I'm just reading what it says.
- It says that I'm not Italian?
- % Romanian-Polish
and % Dutch and Icelandic.
- Dutch and Icelandic?
That... that's crazy! I'm not...
I'm not even % Italian?
How can this be?
- Hm? Sorry, I was
thinking about Ralph again.
What, what, what?
- You know what?
The hell with this test.
This test is
spazzatura. It's garbage!
I know who I am
and I know what I am.
[speaking Italian angrily]
- Boy, the Dutch
are so excitable.
- [continues shouting]
- ♪ Ralph Martoni,
Ralph Martoni ♪
♪ I love Ralph Martoni
♪ I can't believe I'm
friends with Ralph Martoni ♪
[phone buzzes]
[phone buzzes]
Hey, Monkey, it's
your father again.
Call me back. Listen.
Yesterday I said it
was critically important,
but to be honest,
that was just a trick
to get you to call me back.
But today I'm not ki...
Hold on a second.
The police are here.
What... you want to
take her away... hey!
Take her hands off
of her! You can't...
That should do it.
- Babe.
- Yes? Oh.
- Yeah, I'm not sure
how to tell you this.
I just found out...
- What, what, what?
- Ralph Martoni died.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my... what?
How crazy is life?
You meet a guy, and
your whole world changes,
and then he's gone the next day.
- No, no, no. No, Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- The Ralph Martoni
that we met yesterday
is fine as far as I know.
- So who died?
- Ralph Martoni who played
third base for the Senators.
He died in a hot air
balloon accident in .
I just looked it up.
- He fell out of a balloon?
- Well, no, the
balloon fell on him.
He was standing with a group
of people who all managed
to get away, but I guess
Ralph was too slow.
- Third basemen, never
known for their speed.
See, if he was outfielder, he'd
probably be alive to this day.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
So if Ralph Martoni is dead,
who did we meet yesterday?
- I have no idea. We've
got to tell your mother.
- Oh. Oh, oh, oh,
this is not good.
- I know. She's being lied to.
- Nah, I mean we got
to take the freakin' train
out there again now.
- Hey, open for lunch at : .
- Oh, no, I'm not,
um... I was just...
You're Ira Buchman.
- That's right.
- Wow. Hi.
Um, my name's Vincent Maslin.
This might seem
like an odd question,
but did you take a
DNA test recently?
- Oh, I knew it. You're
here from the company.
You came to tell me you
made a horrible mistake.
- No, no, I'm not
from the company.
The thing is, I
also used the site,
and I signed up to get alerts
for possible DNA matches and...
I think I'm your son.
- [laughs] I don't think so.
I don't know much,
kid, but I'm % sure
that I don't have a kid.
Come to Papa.
Amazing.
- So do you remember my mother?
- Oh, Vincent.
I am a man of honor,
and this is the
God's honest truth,
I don't remember her at all
because I never met her.
You're how old?
- next month.
- That would be
right. Here's the deal.
The fall of ,
I wanted to buy this really
nice set of Marantz speakers.
Yeah? Top of the
line, great bass.
Only problem... I
didn't have the cash.
So I donated my sperm one
time just to make up the shortfall.
People did that then.
And so voilà. Here we are.
[laughs] Speaking of
cash, you need anything?
- Oh, no, no. Pop, I'm good.
- Say that again.
- I'm good.
- No, no, no, before that.
- Pop.
- [laughs]
Give me another one.
- Buongiorno.
- Ah, Lucia!
You're not gonna believe this.
Listen, I want you
to meet someone.
Vincent, this is Lucia.
- Hello.
- Ciao bello.
- Lucia, this is
Vincent, my son.
- [speaking Italian angrily]
- No. No, no, no, no.
[both speaking Italian]
- Through sperm?
- Si, mio sperm.
- Oh.
[speaks Italian]
Oh.
Bravo. [smooches]
[speaks Italian]
- Look at this: mia famiglia!
- Oh.
- We had to tell you, Sylvia.
We felt like we
didn't have a choice.
- You know, and we
know you're upset.
- If I'm upset, it's
with the two of you.
Who asked you to poke your noses
into my personal business?
Have I ever involved
myself in your private affairs?
- Uh, yeah.
- Do you think I ever
told Jamie about you
getting cold feet
before the wedding?
- I knew about that.
That's perfectly normal.
- Did I tell her how you
wanted to marry Davy Crockett?
- [laughs] I was seven,
and it was really more about
the hat than anything else.
- Your father and I
were ready to support.
We were
forward-thinking that way,
which we never
really got credit for.
- Okay.
Mom...
- I also never told Jamie
about you and Debbie Schmulovitz
in the downstairs closet.
- Okay, here we go. I was nine.
- I went looking for
the drapery attachment
for the vacuum cleaner.
- Mm-hmm.
- I opened the
door, and there he is
with his pants
around his ankles,
and she's touching
his shmagegee.
- This explains why
things didn't work out
with Davy Crockett.
- Yeah.
Look, Mom...
- You and Debbie Shmooey.
Shameful.
- Look, Mom...
What?
- Debbie Shmooey.
Her name is in every
one of our passwords.
- Okay, first of all,
I thought I told you.
- Not only did
you never tell me,
you never thought you
told me, so don't tell me
you thought you told me.
- Second of all, shmooey,
if you'd like to know the
etymology of the word,
- The etymology. Good Lord.
- Maybe a long, long time ago,
you know, it perhaps had
the slightest thing to do
with Debbie
Schmulovitz, but over time
it just became... it was
like a funny, made-up word.
- Yeah, made-up word that
refers to your old girlfriend
from the naked closet.
- She was not my girlfriend,
and, other than that one time,
that was a perfectly
respectable closet.
- Well, whatever, I'm
changing all the passwords.
- Oh, no, no, why?
Please don't.
- Doing it.
- No, no. I'll never be able
to learn new passwords.
You know that.
- It's just so icky.
Shmooey has been
woven into the fabric
of our life together.
All the remote
controls are shmooeys.
The hand can-opener's a shmooey.
That thing that we
always... the, uh...
- The wrench?
- No, no, we plug in all the...
- Under the dryer thing?
- No, no.
The little shmooey that we...
- Ha! See?
- Ha, what?
You just proved my point.
That's my ha, not your ha.
You wanted to name
the dog Shmooey.
You call me Shmooey
sometimes! Ew!
- Yeah, but that's
only when I can't think
of your name fast enough.
- Lovely, and by the way,
this is exactly the same as
your little cigar club secret.
- That wasn't a secret.
- It was information you
were deliberately withholding.
- I wasn't withholding. I
just didn't mention it bec...
Okay, that one I
was withholding.
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Yes.
But I thought I told you.
- No, you didn't
thought you told me.
- See, this is why we
should never visit my mother.
Nothing good comes of it.
- I'll change the
rest of these later.
I've gotta go pack.
- For what? Why?
- I'm going to Paris
for a couple of weeks.
- You're going to Paris?
- Oh, I thought I told you.
- Sorry to bring you both
all the way back out here,
but you gotta help me.
I gotta get back
in her good graces.
Oh, I'm such a fool.
- Well, here's the thing, Ralph.
If that is in fact
your real name.
- It is. My name
is Ralph Martoni.
Just not the Ralph
Martoni I said I was.
- Why would you lie about it?
- I didn't mean to.
One of the guys
at the place thought
I was that Ralph Martoni.
- The ball player.
- Yes.
Your mother heard I
was this big time athlete.
Suddenly she was intrigued.
And your mother, she's a catch.
- Well...
- Hand to God,
every guy in the place is trying
to make a move on her...
- Okay, all right.
I think you made your point.
- It's not that
I lied, I just...
- Well, you certainly
withheld the truth.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah?
- Yes, I withheld.
- Right.
Ralph, you don't wanna withhold.
Withholding is bad.
I've always said,
"If you withhold,
that's like the worst...
- I would stop.
- Okay.
- Your mother
deserves so much better.
To lie to a woman of such grace,
of such distinction,
a woman so esteemed as Sylvia
the former U.S.
ambassador to Ghana...
[both sputter]
- Ghana, Ma? Really?
- I should feel
bad? He lied to me.
- Yes, but you didn't know
he was lying till we told you.
You told him
about your supposed
ambassadorship weeks ago.
- Well, how do you
know I didn't already know
he was full of it
from the beginning.
- Did you?
- Oh, please.
The day I met him.
Ralph Martoni, the
baseball player, died in .
He got hit by a balloon.
What, I don't know
how to use the internet?
- And you never
confronted him about it?
- Sweetheart,
we're older people.
Our stories, perhaps,
they're not so exciting or...
So when we meet someone new,
maybe we pad
our resumes a little.
Make ourselves more
interesting or desirable.
So what? Everybody here does it.
- Well, Ralph feels really
badly about lying to you,
and he'd like to try
to make things right.
- So why is he sending you?
Why can't he say so himself?
- Ralph!
You're up, and I didn't
mean that in a baseball way.
- Sylvia, I just want
to say one thing.
- So say.
- I never played baseball,
I never met
President Eisenhower,
and I never climbed
Mount Kilimanjaro.
- You never
mentioned Kilimanjaro.
- Well, I was saving
it for the holidays.
Forgive me?
- [sighs]
Why am I such a
sucker for sweet talk?
You're forgiven, Ralphie.
But no more stories.
- Scout's honor, and I
really was a boy scout.
- All right.
Well, in the spirit of honesty
and forthcoming-ness...
isn't there something
you want to tell Ralph,
Madam Ambassador?
- Fine.
Ralph,
when I told you
I was the U.S.
ambassador to Ghana
from to ,
that wasn't true.
- Really?
- It was only ' to ' .
- Look who's here.
- Hey.
- Did one of you try to hack
into my Monkey Cove account?
I got an alert
when I signed in this morning.
- Wait, you still use that?
- Every day. It's comforting.
- Really? The monkeys
are comforting?
- Yeah, the nice ones.
The way the world is...
I need it. [keys clatter]
- I didn't realize you
need Monkey Cove.
- It lowers my anxiety, and
it's cheaper than therapy.
- Okay. All right. We'll
keep the account open.
- Thank you.
Mom, can you help me?
I was looking for
something in my room
and I can't find it.
- Yeah, what is it?
- It was on my
dresser. It's blue.
It's got the shmooey and it's...
- Ooh, ooh, honey.
You know what?
We don't use the word
"shmooey" anymore.
- Why not?
- Why not?
- It's hard to explain.
- Because it refers to a girl
who touched your
father's privates in a closet.
What are you doing?
- Going to Monkey Cove.
- Happy with yourself?
- She had other
problems before this.
- All right, here's Emily.
She turned six in August.
- Aww.
- And here we have Anthony.
Right, he's / .
Vincent says he's a handful.
- Aw, he's adorable.
You gotta show these to
Mabel when she gets here.
All of the sudden, she's got
like a niece and a nephew
and cousins... or half
cousins. Quarter cousins.
Whatever they are. She's
gonna be very happy.
- Can you believe this, Paulie?
I mean, in one day,
I become a father
and a grandfather.
And, oh, here's the
cherry on top of everything.
- Oh, now you got a cherry too?
- Yep.
- Okay.
- Vincent's mother, Italian.
Which makes me the
father of a half-Italian child.
I'm practically Italian.
- Yeah. Actually no, but
okay, I'm happy for you.
- You know what? I have
a much better sense now
of what you and James
have been going through.
I mean, my son
comes into my life.
We connect in a profound way,
and, boom, then
he's gone. I mean...
you know, this empty
nest thing, it's brutal.
- Yes.
- I mean, I must say that
I really do think that the
hands-off parenting approach
has worked well for me.
- Hands-off?
- Yeah.
- 'Cause you missed years.
- I know. Come
on, Vince is bright.
He's a successful architect.
He's happily married.
Doesn't want anything from me.
I mean, you and James have
done a great job with Mabel,
but maybe there is a thing or
two you could learn from me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay, I really need your help.
You have to put more
money in my account.
Not a lot. Like
bucks. Nah, make it .
You know what? Just make it ,
and could you maybe
give that to me in cash
'cause I think I
lost my ATM card.
And my insurance card, so
you might have to give me
another one of
those. I am starving.
- Will you teach me?
- Hi, you still there?
- Yes, sir.
Could you give me that
password again, please?
- Yes. Okay, the
password is "shmooey."
- "Snoopy?"
- N... shmooey.
S-H-M-O-O-E-Y.
If that doesn't work, try
shmooey or Dshmooey.
Capital D, lowercase shmooey.
- What's a shmooey?
- Nothing. It's just... it's a
made-up, all-purpose word.
You know, like, "Hey, I
can't find the shmooey."
Or "What happened to
the shmooey for the thing?
You know? Or "Oh, no! I just
broke the thing off the shmooey
so now the whole
shmooey's no good," like that.
- Ah. Like "thing-a-ma-jig."
- Exactly.
- A "what-cha-ma-call-it."
- You got it.
- A "doo-hickey."
- I think we're on
the same page.
Well, in our house
we just say "shmooey."
Like, so every account
my wife and I have...
Online, ATM, all the
passwords are "shmooey."
Probably shouldn't have
told you all that, but...
- Can I put you
on a brief hold, sir?
- Yeah, okay, but
listen, when you people
say "brief" it's never really...
[monkey laughing,
island-style music plays]
♪
[easygoing music]
♪
- ♪ Tell me why
♪ I love you like I do
♪ Tell me who
♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪
♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪
♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪
♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier
- ♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
- ♪ Final frontier
[island-style music
playing, monkey laughing]
[door opens]
- Hey, you.
- I'm on hold.
- So I'm walking the dog
and this really cute young guy
on a bike says,
"What's his name?"
- Oh, cute guy? So
was he hitting on you?
- Calm down. He was
like and super hot.
- I'm much, much more calm now.
- I tell him he
doesn't have a name,
and he says, "Yes, he
does. He looks like a Walter."
What do you think? Walter?
- I don't know. Who
names a dog Walter?
- Who names a dog Murray?
- Hey, you make a
good point. I don't know.
Hi, Walter. [barks loudly]
Huh. Walter it is.
- Ha.
- Hey, hey, okay.
- You're changing
for dinner, right?
- Uh, I guess.
- Your mother made
the reservation for : .
- Yeah, I know. Who
eats dinner at : ?
- Retirement community people.
- Yeah, why : ?
- I'm guessing : and :
gets snapped up pretty quick.
- [sighs] So listen to this.
I'm looking over our
credit card statement.
Do you know we've been
paying for like the last years
$ . a month for something
called "M.C. International"?
- Mr. Buchman?
- Speak of the devil... yes, hi.
- Is Maber Buchman there?
- "Maber"?
- It seems the account was
opened by Maber Buchman,
so he or she...
- She.
- She's the only one authorized
to close the account.
- Okay, no, but I'm...
I'm Maber's father.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Would you like to
speak to Maber's mother?
- Stop saying Maber.
- I'm afraid only
Maber can handle this.
- Ok... fine, I'll have Maber
get in touch with you then.
Thank you for not
quite helping me.
- Thank you for
calling Monkey Cove.
- I remember Monkey Cove.
Mabel used to love that game.
- Yeah, but $ . a
month for years?
We could've bought
our own monkey.
Then we'd have a monkey.
[cell phone buzzes]
- [sighs]
- Hey, Monkey, it's your father
calling about something
critically important.
Call me back.
You notice I said critically.
- She's not calling you back.
What's "CCTY"?
- Huh?
- There's a charge
here, $ . for CCTY.
Here's another one
last month. What is that?
- Oh, I thought I
mentioned that to you.
It's a... it's a cigar thing.
Cigar Club... something.
Every month they send
you a couple of nice cigars.
- Since when?
- A couple of months
ago I signed up. "To You"!
- What?
- CCTY.
Cigar Club To You.
That's what it's called.
- Oh. You never told me.
- I thought I did.
Okay, I didn't. I
didn't, but you...
- How well do you know me?
- I know.
- And if we're keeping
secrets from each other...
- That's not a secret.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, I just
know you don't love
that on occasion I smoke
an occasional cigar.
- I don't.
- Right, so I didn't
want to bother you.
- And yet, here I am bothered,
so how's that working out?
- Not so good! Really.
All right, terrific, so
now we can have this
hanging in the air
during the lovely dinner
with my mother. Terrific.
- I'm excited to
meet this new guy.
- Ugh. Okay, I'm
telling you right now.
If she calls him a boyfriend
or anything like that,
I swear...
- Be happy she met someone.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- I think it's sweet she
wants us to meet him.
- Yeah, yeah, plus,
it's like an hour and half
on the train to get there.
- Paul, what is the
real issue here?
- It's not an Oedipus
thing, like I'm afraid
he's replacing my
father, anything like that,
if that's what you're
thinking, Dr. Freud.
- Then what is it?
- It's just this guy.
I don't want him
touching my mommy.
- How long have
you lived here, Ralph?
- Not long. I lived
at a community
down in Tampa
for a couple years.
But this is much nicer.
And the lady residents
are much nicer too.
- [chuckles]
Such a flatterer.
[laughing]
Paulie, jump into
the conversation.
The water's fine.
- Yeah, no, no, all good.
- Or maybe your
phone is so fascinating.
- No, I wasn't looking at it.
I'm expecting an important call.
- [mouthing words]
- Okay.
- So how was the train ride out?
Not too terrible, I hope.
- No, it was fine.
- Good
'cause when I didn't
see you two for so long,
I thought maybe the trains
don't come out this far anymore.
So what else is news?
- I started working again.
- Oh, good for you, sweetheart.
What are you doing?
- I'm a therapist.
- You?
- Meaning?
- Oh, nothing, I suppose.
Why not? You've always
been a good listener.
Bert used to say... My
wonderful late husband,
may he rest in peace...
He always used to say
Jamie was an excellent listener.
- I don't recall him
ever saying that.
- Well, maybe you
weren't listening.
Ralph, tell them what
you did for a living.
- Oh, it was a long time ago.
- So modest.
Ralph used to play baseball
for the major leagues.
- Really?
- This was before your time.
Washington Senators.
to .
- Wait, wait, hold on. What?
- I played third base,
and again, only for...
- Wait a second. Ralph Martoni?
You're that Ralph Martoni?
- My handsome baseball player.
- Holy shit!
- Language.
- Sorry.
Holy shit. We...
My cousin Ira and I, we
used to trade baseball cards
and I swear I
remember your card.
You... they used
to call you "Catfish."
- Good for you. Me
and Catfish Hunter.
- Yeah.
- But I was the first one.
- "Bats lefty, throws righty."
- Very good.
- Oh, my God, Ralph Martoni!
Ralph Martoni.
It's Ralph Martoni!
Look at... [mumbling]
What about Yo-Yo Davalillo?
I always loved that name.
- We gave him that name, Yo-Yo.
- Really?
- His real name was like
a yard and a half long.
[both laugh]
- And he was short, right?
Like, the shortest guy
to ever play in the majors.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, yeah.
Gene Verble? First base?
- Second.
- Second base.
- Satchel, we called him.
- What about...
[continues indistinctly]
- I like that they're
getting along,
but this is ridiculous.
How long have they been at it?
- An hour and ten minutes.
- I'm years old.
I don't have this kind
of time. Stop them.
- Bunky Stewart. You ever
play with Bunky Stewart?
- Honey, do you remember
we have that thing in the city?
- Nope. So...
- Well, I remember. Get up.
So nice to meet you.
- Oh, okay, gotta go.
Well, this is a pleasure.
Y'know, I'll come back.
We'll do this some more, right?
Ma, what a guy...
What a great guy.
Nice to see you.
Remember, Cookie Rojas?
- Say bye-bye.
- Gotta go. Bert Campaneris?
You ever... Zoilo Versalles.
That was a good one.
- You're kidding. The Catfish?
- Yep.
- Your mother is dating
Ralph The Catfish Martino?
- I don't know if I would
use the word "dating."
- Oh, they're dating.
- What... what do you mean?
- That nice guy
you like so much?
He's touching your mommy.
- That is so cool.
- Okay, do you mind?
- You know what, I have
some very exciting news
of my own that may
even top your news.
- Oh, really? What, your
mother bang Carl Yastrzemski?
See, it's not so funny
when it's your mother, is it?
- I got the results back
from the DNA test that I took.
- And? Are you Italian?
- Didn't even open it
yet. I was waiting for you.
- That's very sweet.
- So you could eat
a little Italian crow.
- Corvo.
- Huh?
- The bird, the crow. Si.
Corvo. Or la cornacchia.
Ah, grazie. [smooches]
Okay, corvo. Here we go.
Click on it, baby.
- Okay.
Um, but listen, if
for whatever reason,
you don't get the
answer you want...
- You know what, I don't
even want you to do it now.
You're gonna drip
your bitter skepticism
all over everything.
Here you go. You try.
You're a much nicer person.
- Hmm.
- Go ahead, click.
- Oh, dear.
- What? Is she messing with me?
Is this like a little fake-out
before she tells me I'm Italian?
- I don't think
that's a fake-out.
- Okay, so you telling
me it's not a fake-out?
Is that the fake-out?
- Ira, remember:
no test is infallible.
What's important is what
you believe in your heart.
- Trust me, I know.
Every fiber in my being,
I know that I'm Italian.
- You're not Italian.
- Take that back.
- I'm just reading what it says.
- It says that I'm not Italian?
- % Romanian-Polish
and % Dutch and Icelandic.
- Dutch and Icelandic?
That... that's crazy! I'm not...
I'm not even % Italian?
How can this be?
- Hm? Sorry, I was
thinking about Ralph again.
What, what, what?
- You know what?
The hell with this test.
This test is
spazzatura. It's garbage!
I know who I am
and I know what I am.
[speaking Italian angrily]
- Boy, the Dutch
are so excitable.
- [continues shouting]
- ♪ Ralph Martoni,
Ralph Martoni ♪
♪ I love Ralph Martoni
♪ I can't believe I'm
friends with Ralph Martoni ♪
[phone buzzes]
[phone buzzes]
Hey, Monkey, it's
your father again.
Call me back. Listen.
Yesterday I said it
was critically important,
but to be honest,
that was just a trick
to get you to call me back.
But today I'm not ki...
Hold on a second.
The police are here.
What... you want to
take her away... hey!
Take her hands off
of her! You can't...
That should do it.
- Babe.
- Yes? Oh.
- Yeah, I'm not sure
how to tell you this.
I just found out...
- What, what, what?
- Ralph Martoni died.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my... what?
How crazy is life?
You meet a guy, and
your whole world changes,
and then he's gone the next day.
- No, no, no. No, Sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- The Ralph Martoni
that we met yesterday
is fine as far as I know.
- So who died?
- Ralph Martoni who played
third base for the Senators.
He died in a hot air
balloon accident in .
I just looked it up.
- He fell out of a balloon?
- Well, no, the
balloon fell on him.
He was standing with a group
of people who all managed
to get away, but I guess
Ralph was too slow.
- Third basemen, never
known for their speed.
See, if he was outfielder, he'd
probably be alive to this day.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
So if Ralph Martoni is dead,
who did we meet yesterday?
- I have no idea. We've
got to tell your mother.
- Oh. Oh, oh, oh,
this is not good.
- I know. She's being lied to.
- Nah, I mean we got
to take the freakin' train
out there again now.
- Hey, open for lunch at : .
- Oh, no, I'm not,
um... I was just...
You're Ira Buchman.
- That's right.
- Wow. Hi.
Um, my name's Vincent Maslin.
This might seem
like an odd question,
but did you take a
DNA test recently?
- Oh, I knew it. You're
here from the company.
You came to tell me you
made a horrible mistake.
- No, no, I'm not
from the company.
The thing is, I
also used the site,
and I signed up to get alerts
for possible DNA matches and...
I think I'm your son.
- [laughs] I don't think so.
I don't know much,
kid, but I'm % sure
that I don't have a kid.
Come to Papa.
Amazing.
- So do you remember my mother?
- Oh, Vincent.
I am a man of honor,
and this is the
God's honest truth,
I don't remember her at all
because I never met her.
You're how old?
- next month.
- That would be
right. Here's the deal.
The fall of ,
I wanted to buy this really
nice set of Marantz speakers.
Yeah? Top of the
line, great bass.
Only problem... I
didn't have the cash.
So I donated my sperm one
time just to make up the shortfall.
People did that then.
And so voilà. Here we are.
[laughs] Speaking of
cash, you need anything?
- Oh, no, no. Pop, I'm good.
- Say that again.
- I'm good.
- No, no, no, before that.
- Pop.
- [laughs]
Give me another one.
- Buongiorno.
- Ah, Lucia!
You're not gonna believe this.
Listen, I want you
to meet someone.
Vincent, this is Lucia.
- Hello.
- Ciao bello.
- Lucia, this is
Vincent, my son.
- [speaking Italian angrily]
- No. No, no, no, no.
[both speaking Italian]
- Through sperm?
- Si, mio sperm.
- Oh.
[speaks Italian]
Oh.
Bravo. [smooches]
[speaks Italian]
- Look at this: mia famiglia!
- Oh.
- We had to tell you, Sylvia.
We felt like we
didn't have a choice.
- You know, and we
know you're upset.
- If I'm upset, it's
with the two of you.
Who asked you to poke your noses
into my personal business?
Have I ever involved
myself in your private affairs?
- Uh, yeah.
- Do you think I ever
told Jamie about you
getting cold feet
before the wedding?
- I knew about that.
That's perfectly normal.
- Did I tell her how you
wanted to marry Davy Crockett?
- [laughs] I was seven,
and it was really more about
the hat than anything else.
- Your father and I
were ready to support.
We were
forward-thinking that way,
which we never
really got credit for.
- Okay.
Mom...
- I also never told Jamie
about you and Debbie Schmulovitz
in the downstairs closet.
- Okay, here we go. I was nine.
- I went looking for
the drapery attachment
for the vacuum cleaner.
- Mm-hmm.
- I opened the
door, and there he is
with his pants
around his ankles,
and she's touching
his shmagegee.
- This explains why
things didn't work out
with Davy Crockett.
- Yeah.
Look, Mom...
- You and Debbie Shmooey.
Shameful.
- Look, Mom...
What?
- Debbie Shmooey.
Her name is in every
one of our passwords.
- Okay, first of all,
I thought I told you.
- Not only did
you never tell me,
you never thought you
told me, so don't tell me
you thought you told me.
- Second of all, shmooey,
if you'd like to know the
etymology of the word,
- The etymology. Good Lord.
- Maybe a long, long time ago,
you know, it perhaps had
the slightest thing to do
with Debbie
Schmulovitz, but over time
it just became... it was
like a funny, made-up word.
- Yeah, made-up word that
refers to your old girlfriend
from the naked closet.
- She was not my girlfriend,
and, other than that one time,
that was a perfectly
respectable closet.
- Well, whatever, I'm
changing all the passwords.
- Oh, no, no, why?
Please don't.
- Doing it.
- No, no. I'll never be able
to learn new passwords.
You know that.
- It's just so icky.
Shmooey has been
woven into the fabric
of our life together.
All the remote
controls are shmooeys.
The hand can-opener's a shmooey.
That thing that we
always... the, uh...
- The wrench?
- No, no, we plug in all the...
- Under the dryer thing?
- No, no.
The little shmooey that we...
- Ha! See?
- Ha, what?
You just proved my point.
That's my ha, not your ha.
You wanted to name
the dog Shmooey.
You call me Shmooey
sometimes! Ew!
- Yeah, but that's
only when I can't think
of your name fast enough.
- Lovely, and by the way,
this is exactly the same as
your little cigar club secret.
- That wasn't a secret.
- It was information you
were deliberately withholding.
- I wasn't withholding. I
just didn't mention it bec...
Okay, that one I
was withholding.
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Yes.
But I thought I told you.
- No, you didn't
thought you told me.
- See, this is why we
should never visit my mother.
Nothing good comes of it.
- I'll change the
rest of these later.
I've gotta go pack.
- For what? Why?
- I'm going to Paris
for a couple of weeks.
- You're going to Paris?
- Oh, I thought I told you.
- Sorry to bring you both
all the way back out here,
but you gotta help me.
I gotta get back
in her good graces.
Oh, I'm such a fool.
- Well, here's the thing, Ralph.
If that is in fact
your real name.
- It is. My name
is Ralph Martoni.
Just not the Ralph
Martoni I said I was.
- Why would you lie about it?
- I didn't mean to.
One of the guys
at the place thought
I was that Ralph Martoni.
- The ball player.
- Yes.
Your mother heard I
was this big time athlete.
Suddenly she was intrigued.
And your mother, she's a catch.
- Well...
- Hand to God,
every guy in the place is trying
to make a move on her...
- Okay, all right.
I think you made your point.
- It's not that
I lied, I just...
- Well, you certainly
withheld the truth.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah?
- Yes, I withheld.
- Right.
Ralph, you don't wanna withhold.
Withholding is bad.
I've always said,
"If you withhold,
that's like the worst...
- I would stop.
- Okay.
- Your mother
deserves so much better.
To lie to a woman of such grace,
of such distinction,
a woman so esteemed as Sylvia
the former U.S.
ambassador to Ghana...
[both sputter]
- Ghana, Ma? Really?
- I should feel
bad? He lied to me.
- Yes, but you didn't know
he was lying till we told you.
You told him
about your supposed
ambassadorship weeks ago.
- Well, how do you
know I didn't already know
he was full of it
from the beginning.
- Did you?
- Oh, please.
The day I met him.
Ralph Martoni, the
baseball player, died in .
He got hit by a balloon.
What, I don't know
how to use the internet?
- And you never
confronted him about it?
- Sweetheart,
we're older people.
Our stories, perhaps,
they're not so exciting or...
So when we meet someone new,
maybe we pad
our resumes a little.
Make ourselves more
interesting or desirable.
So what? Everybody here does it.
- Well, Ralph feels really
badly about lying to you,
and he'd like to try
to make things right.
- So why is he sending you?
Why can't he say so himself?
- Ralph!
You're up, and I didn't
mean that in a baseball way.
- Sylvia, I just want
to say one thing.
- So say.
- I never played baseball,
I never met
President Eisenhower,
and I never climbed
Mount Kilimanjaro.
- You never
mentioned Kilimanjaro.
- Well, I was saving
it for the holidays.
Forgive me?
- [sighs]
Why am I such a
sucker for sweet talk?
You're forgiven, Ralphie.
But no more stories.
- Scout's honor, and I
really was a boy scout.
- All right.
Well, in the spirit of honesty
and forthcoming-ness...
isn't there something
you want to tell Ralph,
Madam Ambassador?
- Fine.
Ralph,
when I told you
I was the U.S.
ambassador to Ghana
from to ,
that wasn't true.
- Really?
- It was only ' to ' .
- Look who's here.
- Hey.
- Did one of you try to hack
into my Monkey Cove account?
I got an alert
when I signed in this morning.
- Wait, you still use that?
- Every day. It's comforting.
- Really? The monkeys
are comforting?
- Yeah, the nice ones.
The way the world is...
I need it. [keys clatter]
- I didn't realize you
need Monkey Cove.
- It lowers my anxiety, and
it's cheaper than therapy.
- Okay. All right. We'll
keep the account open.
- Thank you.
Mom, can you help me?
I was looking for
something in my room
and I can't find it.
- Yeah, what is it?
- It was on my
dresser. It's blue.
It's got the shmooey and it's...
- Ooh, ooh, honey.
You know what?
We don't use the word
"shmooey" anymore.
- Why not?
- Why not?
- It's hard to explain.
- Because it refers to a girl
who touched your
father's privates in a closet.
What are you doing?
- Going to Monkey Cove.
- Happy with yourself?
- She had other
problems before this.
- All right, here's Emily.
She turned six in August.
- Aww.
- And here we have Anthony.
Right, he's / .
Vincent says he's a handful.
- Aw, he's adorable.
You gotta show these to
Mabel when she gets here.
All of the sudden, she's got
like a niece and a nephew
and cousins... or half
cousins. Quarter cousins.
Whatever they are. She's
gonna be very happy.
- Can you believe this, Paulie?
I mean, in one day,
I become a father
and a grandfather.
And, oh, here's the
cherry on top of everything.
- Oh, now you got a cherry too?
- Yep.
- Okay.
- Vincent's mother, Italian.
Which makes me the
father of a half-Italian child.
I'm practically Italian.
- Yeah. Actually no, but
okay, I'm happy for you.
- You know what? I have
a much better sense now
of what you and James
have been going through.
I mean, my son
comes into my life.
We connect in a profound way,
and, boom, then
he's gone. I mean...
you know, this empty
nest thing, it's brutal.
- Yes.
- I mean, I must say that
I really do think that the
hands-off parenting approach
has worked well for me.
- Hands-off?
- Yeah.
- 'Cause you missed years.
- I know. Come
on, Vince is bright.
He's a successful architect.
He's happily married.
Doesn't want anything from me.
I mean, you and James have
done a great job with Mabel,
but maybe there is a thing or
two you could learn from me.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay, I really need your help.
You have to put more
money in my account.
Not a lot. Like
bucks. Nah, make it .
You know what? Just make it ,
and could you maybe
give that to me in cash
'cause I think I
lost my ATM card.
And my insurance card, so
you might have to give me
another one of
those. I am starving.
- Will you teach me?