01x08 - The Facts of Love

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ What everything is all about ♪

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪

♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪♪ [Woman Vocalizing]

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

Congratulate me.

According to this government pamphlet,
my hormones have been triggered.

So, you want to celebrate
with a large party,

or will a small
sit-down dinner do?

Hi, girls. Mrs. Garrett,
did you hear the news?

Molly's been triggered.

I'm almost afraid to
ask what that means.

It means I've
entered puberty. Oh.

Molly. Right on schedule.

And just in time for
my sex-education class.

I'd like to enter puberty.
Where do you sign up?

Oh, may I, Molly? I
might use this in my class.

"Countdown To Puberty."

I don't think I want the government
controlling my hormones.

Don't worry, Molly. They haven't
been able to control anything lately.

Stop arguing with me, Cindy!
I'm telling you, it's Steve!

I guess he's making a delivery.

But all you could see was an
arm sticking out the car window.

I know that arm...
Bulging, muscular, tan...

and mine, Cindy.

- Thrifty Market.
- Steve.

I'd know that arm anywhere.

Hiya, Natalie. Heard
any good ones lately?

Sure. What's green and red and
goes a hundred miles an hour?

- Okay, what?
- A frog in a blender!

We're gonna be in a blender
if we don't get to algebra class.

Right. Hey, Steve, it
was short but sweet.

- Don't be a stranger.
- You're too much.

Ohh! Come on, Cindy.

Anyone here to sign for this?

Just me. Everyone
else seems to be gone.

Good.

I feel so silly. I forgot to...

Uh, hi, Mrs. Garrett. Uh,
wh-what did you forget?

To knock.

Well, I was just getting
my receipt signed by,

uh, Blair, wasn't it? Right.

Good. Then you two have met?

Well, uh, I'd better
deliver, my, uh,

next delivery. Bye, Steve.

My, Blair, I didn't know
you were such a big tipper.

I would rather you didn't tell
anyone about Steve and me, okay?

But why keep it a secret? I
don't wanna hurt Natalie's feelings.

Aw, that's nice of
you to worry about her.

But Natalie knows she's too
young to get serious with Steve.

How serious are you with Steve?

Very.

Oh, I know, I'm probably just
on a "macho and muscles" trip,

but... who cares?

If he's been
above the first floor,

- I care.
- He hasn't.

Well, where have you two been?

We meet in Peekskill
on Saturdays.

We get together after
his wrestling matches.

He has pinned opponents.

Really? Make
sure you're not .

Blair, are you in or not?

Okay! Okay!

Okay, I see your Oreo...

and raise you a Fig
Newton and a chocolate chip.

That's too rich for me.

I fold.

What do you think Mrs. Garrett's
gonna teach in her sex-education class?

I don't know, but this is the first
time I'm looking forward to homework.

I hope Mrs. Garrett
tells it like it is.

We'll be lucky if she tells
it like it was. [Laughter]

But Mrs. Garrett's
really been around.

Tootie, just saying I was
married'll be sufficient.

[Chattering]

Gambling?

Someone like to explain?
Sure. It's five-card draw...

One-eyed kings and deuces wild.

You want in? Mm-mm.

Mrs. Garrett, can
we talk... outside?

You're the headmaster.

Girls, make this the last
hand, and don't eat the pot.

Now, this is the book I
want you to use in your class.

- It's written by an expert.
- Oh, Mr. Bradley.

You're still having trouble
with my teaching sex education?

Well, you know I'm a registered
nurse. I took courses in...

No, no, no. Your
qualifications are fine.

But I personally think
the board was wrong when

it voted to teach sex
education at Eastland.

Mr. Bradley, most parents don't
teach their children anything about sex.

So we've got to.

Because the kids think they know
more about sex than they really do.

- Well, I don't like it.
- Sex?

Let's not play games.

I just think it's a bad idea to force these
girls to think about their sexuality now.

A lot of them are
going with boys.

No!

Boys are all they talk about.
They need our guidance now.

Mr. Bradley, what they
don't know can hurt them.

Well, don't forget you're
teaching a very touchy subject...

to a class full of girls of different
ages and experience levels.

Now, I know.
Education is my turf.

Well, tough turf.

Mr. Bradley, you promised
me this was to be my class.

I think I know how
to teach my girls.

I'd feel a lot better if
you were teaching...

another elective course
that was less dangerous,

like... "How To Drive A Car."

Sex education is more important.

They can't drive
till they're .

Oh, yeah.

You can have my
winnings, Sue Ann.

I can't afford an extra ounce if I'm
gonna get into those jeans Saturday night.

That's the least
of your worries.

You've got to be careful with
Steve. He's got a big reputation,

and it's not for
boxing groceries.

Blair, he even
dates college girls!

Oh?

So what?

I know as much as a
college girl. [Chuckles]

Come on, Blair. You and I have
played "How far have you gone?"

- And we're even.
- Who knows?

Maybe we won't be
after Saturday night.

[Gasps] You
wouldn't? Don't worry.

I just might
experiment a little.

That's what
Dr. Frankenstein said.

"Pubescence. That's
when your hips get curvier,

your bust develops"...

And you enter the
wonderful world of zits.

Yup. That's it, all
right. [Bell Rings]

Good morning, class!

[All] Good morning,
Mrs. Garrett!

Today we are going
to discuss... sexuality.

Right out in the open. I
still have to pinch myself.

Ow!

Sex... such a small word...

for such a big subject.

Now, I know you think
you have a lot of answers,

but let's start off
with your questions.

What are you curious about?

Everything.

- I have a question.
- All right, Natalie.

When do I cave in?

- Cave in?
- Yeah, surrender.

Stop saying "no." Kiss
my innocence good-bye.

[Mouths Words]

How about next Tuesday? Tootie!

- Morning, girls.
- [All] Good morning, Mr. Bradley!

Mr. Bradley. Mrs. Garrett.

You don't mind if I sit in
for awhile and observe?

- Well, to be honest, I'd rather you...
- Good.

Girls, don't let my
presence embarrass you.

Carry on.

Uh-huh. Where were we?

We were talking about...
Well, you know, your first time.

First time for what?

Oh.

Well, I know what
I'm going to do.

I'm gonna wait for
the man that I marry.

You'll be the only one
waiting. Guys do not wait.

Do they, Mr. Bradley?

Yes, you may leave the room.

No, no. I'm not
leaving. Now, girls,

Mrs. Garrett doesn't
wanna discuss these things.

There's a perfectly good book
which'll explain everything. Mr. Bradley!

These girls are way beyond
the dating habits of a fruit fly!

As long as I'm
running this class,

these girls can ask anything...

Anything they want.

- Okay, who's next?
- Mrs. Garrett,

my mom told me that
when it comes to sex,

men are supposed to have
more experience than women.

Who are they supposed to get
their experience with, Tinkerbell?

You'd know that better
than I would, Blair.

[Natalie, Tootie] Oo-oo-ooh!

There's a man in the
class. Let's ask him.

Gee, I'd love to stay,

but I've got to see if the motion picture
projector is set up in the auditorium.

Girls, if you learn two things
in this class, I'll be very happy.

One: to know your
body and how it works.

I guess you figured it out. You
didn't come with an owner's manual.

Two: when and why...

to think about
physical intimacy.

Is that anything
like making out?

It's pretty close, Tootie.

Well, I'm in no rush.
Whatever I have to learn,

my husband'll teach
me on my honeymoon.

I don't trust a system where
a man knows more than I do.

I'd like to teach
him a few things.

Good point, Molly.

But for that you have to
experiment a little. [Scoffs]

Speak for yourself, Blair.
Listen, Miss Untouchable.

Everyone knows sex is the
most important thing in a marriage.

[All Shouting, Arguing]

Girls, quiet!

Now, sex is important
in a marriage.

However, it's just as
important to be friends,

respect each other, and
have a sense of humor.

You can't laugh all night.

And how do you know
if you and your husband

are compatible if you
haven't shopped around?

I'll just know, that's all.

But you go right ahead, Blair.
You're the comparison shopper.

Oo-oo-ooh!

At least it's better than having
to return the merchandise.

Oo-oo-ooh!

Girls. Virginity is
not the issue here.

Try to tell my dad that.

No. I'm talking
about something...

more important than that.

I'm talking about self-esteem.

Now, whatever you do,

do it for your reasons,
not anyone else's.

That's right. Some girls I
know go too far with a boy,

because they think that's the
only way they can hold on to him.

Or sometimes, I just get worn
down by his begging and pleading.

Not that Roger's like that.

Good, Nancy. Keep it that way.

It might help to think of
your sexuality this way...

It's a lot like a poker game.

- Poker?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's really
not a very fair game.

You're given a
big pile of chips...

before you really
know how to play.

So? You learn how to play.

Yeah, but if you try to learn
too fast, you lose all your chips.

Smart money keeps the stakes
low till you know what you're doing.

Well, I'm a good gambler.
Remember, I won all the cookies.

Yeah. But you're not
playing for cookies now.

Okay, girls. Time to get
down to the movie. Great!

Molly, you were
good. I loved that point.

Nancy... [Chattering]

Sue Ann! Wait a
minute. Come here.

I have a favor to ask. What?

It's about my date with
Steve Saturday night.

- If I don't get in before
curfew, will you sign me in?
- Sure.

Hey, is Steve taking
you somewhere romantic?

I'll say. We'll be parked in
his brother's custom van.

- A van?
- Yes.

Steve calls it his
"love machine."

I can't wait until tonight.

Steve is going to love
me with my new jeans on.

[Scoffs] Just make
sure they stay on.

More advice? Listen.

I hear Steve moves fast
enough without a van.

Blair, I'm really
worried about you.

Hey, Mrs. Garrett!

Oh, it's you.

Of course it's me. What
is that supposed to mean?

I thought you left already
to steal Natalie's man.

You told her! I did not.

Blair, no one had to tell me.

A woman feels these things.

Tootie, Natalie was
never Steve's girl.

She's only . He's .

Steve's just like a
brother to her, that's all.

I knew you'd have
some flimsy excuse.

Tootie, did you
find Mrs. Garrett?

Hi, Blair. Your
hair looks so good.

Sure, it looks good.
Jezebel's hair looked good too.

Come on.

Oh, listen, I've got to go too.

Have a nice date.

Oh, and, uh, just don't
do anything I wouldn't do.

Gimme a break. I
wanna have some fun.

Okay, but when
you're in that van,

just remember to keep
your belt fastened...

And your seat belt too.

[Crickets Chirping]

[Chuckles]

Ooh! [Giggles]

♪♪ [Soft Jazz] I just
love your brother's van.

It has everything.
[Chuckles] Now it does.

[Laughs] Mmm.

Mmm! You know, my brother
went on his honeymoon in this van.

How romantic.

Yeah. Let me show you the back.

The back? Yeah.
We're in the front.

Come on. I've got
something for you back here.

Don't worry. You'll
be safe with me.

[Chuckles]

Okay. Close your eyes.

Okay. Open them.

Do you know what that is?

Some kind of bug on its back?

It's the "Golden Press." See, the one
guy's got the other guy pinned to the mat.

It's for a hundred
wrestling victories.

They gave it to me in front
of the whole school. Oh.

It-It's really different. Yeah.

It's genuine goldtone.

And, uh, I want you
to wear it always.

Always? Well, not in the shower.

Steve, I-I couldn't.

I mean, it... It means
so much to you.

Why do you think I
gave it to you? Oh!

Ow! Ow. [Laughing]

You okay? Yeah, I think so.

[Sighs]

Now, where were we? [Giggles]

Blair, let's talk.

Talk? Yeah.

I plan on being the wrestling
coach at Peekskill High.

It pays $ ,
a year. [Whistles]

That's nice. Yeah.

Uh, Blair, I'm trying to make
some long-range plans for us.

Steve, I don't know what
my long-range plans will be.

Anyway, I have two
more years at Eastland...

and then there's college.

Oh, that's okay. You know, my
parents dated for six and a half years.

[Mutters]

As of now, I want
you to be my girl.

I am. I mean, no
more dating other guys.

I want us to go
steady. Go steady?

Sure. Why do you
think I gave you this?

Steve, things are
great the way they are.

Anyway, I have two dances
coming up I just cannot get out of.

And I'll be spending all summer
at a Scottsdale dude ranch.

Why don't we just
think about now?

Well, wait a minute.

You know, I'm a little slow,
but I'm getting the picture.

This feels like a
polite runaround.

Steve.

Does this look like I'm
giving you a runaround?

No, it looks like you
wanna play games,

but you don't want me to stay
around for anything permanent.

Steve, wh-who plans that far?

Can't we just have
a little fun together?

That's all you want is fun?

Well, that's fine with
me. Steve! Stop it!

Steve! Stop it!

Mrs. Garrett, I knew that
sex class was a bad idea.

But you wouldn't
listen. You knew it all.

Well, now it's all on your
head. What's on my head?

Tell me so I know what
color dress to wear with it.

That's all right. Yeah. Make jokes while
one of our girls is in police custody.

Police? Who?

- Blair.
- You knew? Why didn't you tell me?

I had no idea. Is she all right?

- Yes. No thanks to you.
- Well, what's happened?

Oh, they picked her up with some
guy. Now they're bringing her in.

Why... Why did I
leave that boys' school?

There it was, just turn 'em
loose. Forget about 'em.

Hey, there's nothing
to worry about.

Steve's not gonna get
Blair into any kind of trouble.

You know about Blair and Steve?

Of course. Steve
told me all about it.

Wait... Wa-Wa-Wait a
minute. Is-Is Steve this...

This delivery guy that struts in here
thinking every girl's in love with him?

We are.

And he's got a van. Shh!

A van?

You let Blair go out
with a boy in a van?

Mr. Bradley, have
a little faith in Blair.

For goodness sake, trust her!

To do what? Those things
are portable passion pits!

Hi. Blair, are you okay?

- Sure.
- I wanna know everything
that went on tonight.

I am talking about
the police involvement.

Uh, Steve drove me up
to Skyview Ridge Road.

"Make-out Mountain"?

Well that's what the kids
call it who'd go up there.

Not just the kids.

- How did the police
become involved?
- Steve got a speeding ticket,

because he tore out of the
parking lot when it was all over.

What was all over?

- Nothing. Our talk.
- [Chuckles] Oh, you see?

- Just have a little faith.
- [Rueful Chuckling]

The police are outside. They
want you to vouch for my identity.

[Inhales Deeply] Well, it
could have been worse.

Our first flashing
red light at Eastland.

Mrs. Garrett, you were so right.

Good. About what?

About what you said
about self-esteem...

and pride and
not rushing things.

- They were all true.
- I'm so proud of you.

Don't be. It was Steve who
wanted to take things slow.

- He asked me to go steady.
- [Gasps] Are you listening girls?

You see, there are some boys
who don't have to rush things.

- Not all of them.
- Steve wanted to do
the right thing,

but then when I didn't want to,
he tried to do the wrong thing.

And got mad and raced off.

Boy, am I lucky.

I don't have to think about
this kinda stuff for years.

Well, I'll think about it.

Mrs. Garrett, I learned
something new tonight.

I have a lot more to learn.

Good. See you in class tomorrow.

Natalie, will you
ever forgive me?

Don't be silly, Blair.
There's nothing to forgive.

I knew he'd be back.

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪

♪ I guess you best investigate ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Gotta get 'em
right The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪

♪ You ♪♪