01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe
you guys can watch this.

You look ridiculous.

Half a million people trying
to stop a senseless w*r.

You find that ridiculous?

I'm talking about the outfits.

I'm dying. I'm dying.

Promise me you'll
never show these

When my friends are here.

Promise, or I'm
leaving home right now.

Mallory, that was history
in the making.

There were people at every state
in the union at that protest.

What were you protesting,
good grooming?

Ugh.
[ Projector clicks ]

Mommy, you look so pretty,
like an indian princess.

That's your father, dear.

-There I am.
-There you go.

[ Laughter ]

You look almost as pretty
as daddy.

Daddy, how long ago was that?

That was very long ago
in a galaxy far, far away.

All right! Who wants to see
the peace corps slides?

[ All groaning ]

[ Theme song plays ]

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I'll bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed

♪ When I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby

♪ Without us?

♪ What would we do, baby

♪ Without us?

♪ And there
ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ Ooh-hoo

♪ What would we do, baby

♪ Without us?

♪ Sha-la-la-la

Ah, you're up early.

Uh, yeah. I thought
I'd get a jump on this.

I promised the emersons
I'd have it in by thursday.

This is their dream-house
project, huh?

Yeah. What do you think?

Well, uh...
There's -- there's no door

Connecting this side
of the house

With the other side.

Well, the emersons don't like
each other all that much.

It's a little extreme,
though, isn't it?

Are you kidding?

I had to talk them out
of putting in a moat.

I don't think the kids
were too impressed

With our slide show
last night, do you?

No. No, I recognized that
glazed look in alex's eyes --

Same look I used to get

When my father talked to me
about the depression.

[ Chuckles ] well,
I enjoyed them anyway.

I can't believe
how young I looked.

We all looked young.

Yeah, but you still
look the same.

Oh, go on.

Actually,
if anything's changed,

It's that you look
even better now.

-Oh, go on!
-No, I mean it.

There's just something wonderful
about the way you look.

I said, "go on."

Oh, god.

Are you two
pawing at each other again?

I don't consider a legitimate
display of affection pawing.

Do you know what pawing is?

Of course I know
what pawing is.

I'm dating richard defazio,
aren't i?

Not anymore.

You guys have been married
a long time.

Haven't you had enough?

I haven't, have you?

No. Sorry.

Ugh! Gross.

[ Chuckles ]

-Is this my lunch?
-Yeah.

-What's in it?
-You'll like it.

Are there sprouts in here?

There are no sprouts.

Nothing alive?

Nothing alive, nothing healthy.
Don't worry.

Well, how do I look?

Middle-aged.

No!

Dad, recent studies show

You can predict success
by the way a person dresses.

Alex, you're a young man.

You shouldn't be worried
about success.

You should be thinking
about hopping on a tramp steamer

And going around the world,

Or putting a pack on your back
and heading down to mexico

Or south america, anywhere.

The ' s are over, dad.

Thanks for the tip.

Anybody know
the capital of iowa?

-Des moines.
-Cedar rapids.
-Council bluffs.

That narrows that down
a little.

Actually, jennifer,

Iowa is the one state
that has no capital.

And so you see,
it's the responsibility

Of every american
to look after iowa.

[ Telephone rings ]

I'll get it. It's for me.

Hello.

Yeah, just a second.
Jennifer, it's for you.

Don't talk too long, okay?
I'm expecting an important call.

Who are you expecting
a call from?

Oh, no one.

Kimberly blanton.

Who's kimberly blanton?

Nobody.

She's a super-rich chick
at school

Who drives a yellow convertible
and looks like a barbie doll.

Alex thinks she might be
interested in him.

What are you,
the town crier?

I have no secrets
from my father.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

[ Telephone rings ]
I'll get it. It's for me.

Hello.

Jennifer, it's for you.

It's probably chrissy again.

She's going through
a personal crisis.

Come on, alex.
She's not gonna call.

Girls like kimberly blanton
just don't call guys like you.

Thank you.

You see, he's been chasing her
for three months now,

And he hasn't even gotten
to first base.

-That's not true.
-Uh-huh.

I've been chasing her
for two months,

But we're making progress.

You know,
we've begun a dialogue.

The lines of communication
are open,

Which is more than I can say
for the phones in this house.

Jennifer,
you're only years old.

How much can you possibly
have to say?

Can you hold on a second,
chrissy?

Look, alex, I may be
only years old,

But I'm a person, too.

I have a right
to speak on the telephone

Without being harassed
by you.

Get off the phone now.

I'll call you back,
okay, chris?

Mom, did you see that?

No, what happened?

-Alex hit me.
-Alex.

Jennifer.

Okay, he really
didn't hit me.

But he wanted to.

I could see it
in his eyes.

Just go on.
Alex, get a grip on yourself.

If barbie's gonna call,
she'll call.

Her name is not barbie, mom.
She just looks like --

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello.

May I tell him
who's calling?

-Kimberly blanton.
-Kimberly.

Oh, I'm sorry, kimberly,
I don't think he's --

Alex p. Keaton here.

Smooth, alex.

Uh, kimberly.

What a pleasant surprise.

Tonight?

Just a minute, let me check.

Kimberly's coming over to study
with me tonight.

Is it all right if she has
dinner with us first?

Sure, if you want her to.

Tonight seems to be clear,
kimberly.

All right, very good.

Okay, I'll see you
at school.

Goodbye.

Yahoo!

I haven't seen him
this excited

Since reagan was elected.

Hey, what are you doing?
I was listening to that.

That's depressing, dad.
This is an up night.

This guy sounds like
he's in pain.

He's supposed to be in pain.
He's a folk singer.

[ Soft jazz music plays ]

Now, that's depressing.

You know, the house
doesn't look that great.

Well, what time
is kimberly coming?

Maybe we can have it painted
before she gets here.

Tonight's the night,
isn't it?

Kimberly blanton here
in our very own home.

Like a dream.

Very funny.

She probably just wants
to check out your table manners,

See if you know what
the small fork is for,

That kind of stuff.

Come here, I'll show you
what the small fork is for.

Alex, maybe you're getting
a little carried away here.

I mean, if kimberly doesn't like
you or your family

For who they are,

Then maybe she isn't worth
caring about at all,

Don't you think?

Are you gonna wear your hair
like that

Or are you gonna put it up?

Alex, I changed my mind.
I don't want to wear this.

Too late.

Too late, jennifer.
A deal's a deal.

I'll give you your dollar back.

[ Doorbell rings ]
that's her.

Okay, that's her.

All right, everybody,
just stay calm.

Oh, small fork's for salad,
right?

Right, and the spoon's for soup.

Soup. Right.

Okay.

Okay, just, uh, act natural.

Hi. Sorry I had to answer
the door myself.

Our butler's off tonight.

Well, tell me, kimberly, uh,
what are you studying in school?

Oh...

You know.

Sounds exciting.

Well, what kimberly means

Is that it's the same stuff
I'm studying,

So, you know, you're probably
familiar with it.

So, dad.

Do you think we may sail
around the world this summer?

I'll be honest with you, alex.
It doesn't look good.

Kimberly sailed to the south
of france last summer.

-Ah.
-That sounds interesting.

I've always wanted to go there.
What was that like?

Well, it was okay.

It's real different, though.

But I'll tell you one thing,

If you're ever going
to the riviera,

You're gonna have
a really hard time

Trying to find
a decent cheeseburger.

Yeah.
Well, thanks for the warning.

We'll -- we'll just take
our own.

We went away last summer, too,
to cleveland.

It was far away
and everything.

We got to take the bus.

The bus?

What do you mean?

What my sister means

Is that, um, we went to visit
our grandmother --

Grand-mère. Um...

We -- we were gonna fly --

There was a bum on the bus,
remember?

Jennifer, eat your potatoes.

[ Clears throat ]

So, what exactly
do you do, mr. Keaton?

Uh, i, uh, m-manage
the public television station

Here in town.

Oh. What a cute job.

That's the station with
all the english shows, right?

Well, i-i wouldn't say
they're all english.

T-there are some.

Yeah, I know.
I've watched it once or twice.

But I really miss
the commercials.

I forgot, kimberly. What is it
did you say you're studying?

"You know."

Just the basic
college prep courses.

Have you decided what you're
gonna major in in college?

Well, yeah.

See, I really want to dedicate
my life into helping others,

And, well, I really want to
be a cheerleader.

[ Teakettle whistling ]
I'll get the tea.

Oh, let me give you
a hand with that.

Oh, thanks.

Well, what do you think?

Is she something else, or what?

Gee, mr. Emerson,
I'm sorry you're not happy

With the placement
of your wife's bedroom,

But that's as far away
as I could get it.

I mean, I did have to stay
on the property.

Well, we could try that,

But it -- it would mean
going underground.

Okay. Give my best
to mrs. Emerson.

Hello?

Trouble in paradise?

You know
what I can't figure out?

-What?
-The emersons have eight kids.

Either of you guys
know anything about polo?

Polo?

Kimberly's picking me up
any minute now.

Today's the big tournament
for the gray cup...

Or the blue cup --
some kind of cup.

I was hoping one of you'd
at least know the rules.

Polo?!

Never mind. I'll just ride
the way everybody else does.

Think maybe he was switched
at birth

And the rockefellers
have our kid?

It could be.
I wasn't gonna tell you,

But this morning, I found a copy
of the wall street journal

Under his bed.

-I just had a thought.
-What?

Alex is gonna be gone
for the whole day,

And mallory's
on her way out, too.

Why don't you and I
go upstairs,

Put on some old
johnny mathis albums...

What about jennifer?
She's still home.

Give her your mastercharge

And let her check into
the holiday inn for the weekend.

Shealmost .

[ Sighs ]

You two never stop, do you?

Don't you knock before you
enter someone's living room?

Don't you two have
any self-control?

I mean, it's not even lunchtime.

I won't be home for dinner.

There's gonna be a little party
after the polo game.

It's a polo match, you clod.

I can't believe what I have
to put up with!

Where is the party gonna be?

Oh, it's over
at the carlton country club.

Alex, the carlton
is a restricted club.

Oh, that's all right.
I'll be with the blantons.

You know, it's really neat
over there.

They got an indoor pool,
you can eat on the terrace,

And if you get
a phone call,

They bring the phone
right to your table.

That'll come in handy for you
in case eliot janeway calls.

What your father means

Is that t-the --
the carlton country club

Doesn't have any members
that are black or jewish

Or hispanic or any other group

That didn't come over
on the mayflower.

I just want to go
to a party, mom.

I don't want to change
the world.

[ Horn honks ]

Bye.

Hello, is this
the carlton country club?

Uh, listen, my name
is steven keaton, a--

Uh, no, I'm not a member.

Yes, I can hold.

Hi, i-i'm trying to locate
my son, alex keaton.

He's with the blanton party.

N-no, alex is not a member,
either.

Yes, I can hold.

Okay, well, listen.

Uh, that's what I thought
it was, too.

I'll try it out on the highway
and let you know.

Okay, thanks a lot.
[ Chuckles ]

Who was that?

Uh, one of the mechanics
over at the volvo place.

Ah, which one?

Sven.

You have sven's home number?

H-he was at the shop.

I'm thinking of maybe

Taking the car in for him
to have a look at it.

Steven, it's quarter of .

Well, you get a discount
if you bring it in at night.

You know how those swedes are.
They're used to working late.

Land of the midnight sun
and all that.

Norway is land
of the midnight sun.

Well, they sure fooled sven.

I'd better get down there
and tell him.

Okay.

That wasn't really sven.

You're kidding.

I was trying to reach alex.

There was something
I wanted to tell him.

Well, can't this wait
until he comes home?

That's what I wanted to tell
him, to come home now.

It's driving me crazy
that he's over there, elyse.

Steven, I don't like it
any more than you do,

But alex is alex.

He sees things differently
than we do.

I know he does.

And I admit, up to now,
some of it's been cute.

I didn't mind the pop quiz
on wines the other night.

And if he wants to have a poster
of william buckley over his bed,

That's his own business.

But we have to draw the line
somewhere,

And I think a restricted club
is a good place to draw it.

[ Soft jazz music plays ]

Kimberly tells me
you're quite a sailor, alex.

Uh, well, I'm okay.
You know, I'm no popeye.

[ Laughter ]

What's your favorite
kind of craft?

Woodworking.

Dad.

[ Chuckling ]
excuse me, i...

I'm sorry to disturb you.

Everything's all right.
[ Laughs ]

I'd just like -- can I speak
to you for a second, alex?

Uh, hello, kimberly.
[ Chuckles ]

Hello, mr. Keaton.

May I introduce my parents?
Dad.

Steve keaton.

-Preston blanton.
-[ Chuckles ]

My wife, emily.

-How do you do?
-I'm fine, thank you.

There, uh, isn't any trouble,
is there?

[ Laughing ]
no. No.

It's just that I forgot
to tell alex something.

Won't you sit down for a moment,
mr. Keaton?

No, really, I can't stay.
Thank you.

Roger, bring a chair
for mr. Keaton, please.

That's okay, roger.
Don't bother.

Just for a moment, uh,
go ahead, bring it, roger.

R-roger, don't.

O-o-okay.
You can bring me a chair.

Excuse us for a minute.

Excuse me.

What's going on, dad?

Alex, I want you
to come home with me now.

Not so loud.

I'm sorry.
This place makes me mad.

And when I'm mad, I'm loud.

Now, come on. Let's go.
I don't want to make a scene.

I think it's a little
too late for that.

I was hoping that you'd
come to it yourself,

But obviously
you don't understand

The moral ramifications
of your being here.

Oh, dad, will you just stop it?

Don't you understand
what this place stands for?

It's -- it's elitist.
It's -- it-- it's exclusionary.

It-- boy, these things
are great. What are they?

Rumaki, sir.

Are there any without liver?

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

The bunny hop!

Oh, alex! Come on!

Don't hop away
when I'm talking to you.

I guess
the parent of the year award

Is pretty much out the window.

Well, I wouldn't say
you're the top contender,

But who knows?

I made a big mistake tonight,
didn't i?

What are you guys doing
down here?

It's too hard to eavesdrop
from the top of the stairs.

Why is alex mad at you, dad?

Well, dad went
a little crazy tonight,

And I really hurt
your brother's feelings.

You mean you had a little attack

Where you can't
control yourself

And you say things
you didn't want to say?

Yeah.

I get those a lot.

Stay away
from the carlton country club.

I will.

I'd like to talk to you,
dad, okay?

Okay, girls.
Let's go up.

Go ahead, mom.

We'll meet you up there.

Nice try, kid.

It was worth a shot anyway.

[ Sighs ]

Before you say anything, alex,

I just want you to know
I'm sorry.

Dad, before you say
anything more,

I just want you to know
that that's not enough.

I'll write notes of apology
to the blantons and to kimberly.

What'd you tell them,
anyway?

I told them the truth,

That you were my dad's
twin brother

And you escaped from a home.

Thanks for covering for me.

You really humiliated me, dad.
I mean, how could you do that?

Alex, it's hard to know
when to interfere

And when to let you
go on your own.

When you were little,
it was easy.

Take the poison
and put it on a high shelf,

Give you a safe place to play,

And make sure you don't
tumble down the stairs.

A-as you get older,
it gets harder.

The line between protecting
and interfering can get blurry.

I tripped over it tonight,
as you may have noticed.

Well, you were really something
out there.

You know, it's funny.

My father, your grandpa jake,

Was a very unemotional man,
very distant, very proper.

He was so proper...

I didn't know he cared.

He didn't show it.

I guess I overreact
because he didn't react at all.

You understand?

Yeah, I -- I guess.

Look, alex,

I was wrong to go over there
like that,

But I hope you understand
why I felt so strongly

About your being
at a restricted club.

I do, dad.

But I'm years old.

And when I see kimberly blanton
in a strapless evening gown,

I don't look past her
for the bill of rights.

Alex...

I was myself once.

But I had principles.
I had beliefs.

I...

Well,
now that you mention it...

I do recall working for nixon
for a couple of weeks in .

Richard nixon?

You see...

T-there was
this young republican,

Sandra futterman --

A real fascist,
but she wore it well, you know?

I...

I-i-i-i mean, s-sandra was...

W-w-well, s-she had a...

There -- there was a way
she could...

[ Chuckles ]
I get the point, dad.

I love you, alex, very much.

Sometimes it overwhelms me

And I make mistakes,
like tonight.

I know there are other fathers
who are more in control,

More reserved, more adult,

But there are none who love
their sons more than I love you.

I know you do, dad.

I mean, that's the crazy part.

Even when we were out there
bunny-hopping tonight,

Mad as I was --
and I was hopping mad...

...i knew.

Good.

But I'm not you, dad.

I mean, we're two different
and separate people.

I know that.

[ Sighs ]

Think this kind of thing
is gonna happen again?

I don't know.

We're both getting older.

One of us is bound to grow up
sooner or later.