01x23 - Bum Voyage

[bunniefuu]

Everybody's been talking
about how great the summer is.

I don't think it's so great--
In fact, I hate the summer.

It threatens me.

Michelle, why do you feel
the summer threatens you?

For one thing, it's hot.

All my friends are at the beach, and, well,
you know I have a body hang-up.

The reason I hate summer
is you can't wear a bikini.

Michelle, bikinis
aren't for everybody.

I've seen bathing suits
that are stylish...

and they don't reveal
that much of your body.

I have one of those--

but it leaves
a very strange tan line...

around my neck
and my ankles.

Mr. Peterson, we've heard
from everyone else.

How do you feel
about the summer?

- I'm terrified of it.
- That's stupid.

Sure. I knew you were
gonna say it was stupid.

That's why
I didn't mention it.

You think everything
I say is stupid.

Yeah, well,
that's just stupid.

Wait a minute, Mr. Gianeiii.
Mr. Peterson is expressing his feelings.

I don't think we should
cut him off like that.

I agree with Dr. Hartley.
I don't thinkyou should call him stupid.

I want to hear what Mr. Peterson
has to say. Go ahead, dear.

My vacation's coming up,
and I'm going out of town on a trip...

and-and I'm terrified of it.

[Laughing]

That's perfectly understandable.
I mean, that's normal.

You're going away
from your home.

You're uprooting yourself.
You're going into a different environment.

But it is a vacation, and you should, uh,
you should enjoy it.

Wh-Where are you going
on your vacation?

Down the Colorado River
in a raft.

That is--
That is terrifying, but--

I mean, there'll be other people along with you.
You'll have an experienced guide.

- I'm going alone.
- Why?

Because I've never done
anything like that in my life...

and I want to prove to myself
that I'm a man.

Hey, that's great,
Peterson.

I think it's stupid.

We, uh, we only have
a few more minutes left...

sol thought we might
try something new...

something we've never
done as a group before.

I'm not taking
my clothes off.

No, I didn't mean that.

This sounds very simple
on the surface...

but actually,
it's quite difficult.

I want everyone tojust...
be quiet.

Do you have a headache?

No, no. I want to find out
if it's possible...

to express our feelings
with total silence.

You see, very often we talk
to conceal our true feelings.

I want to find out if we can
communicate with one another...

without actually saying anything.

All right, let's, uh,
let's all be quiet together.

When do we start?

Begin... now.

Who's gonna stop us
when it's over?

We'll know. We'll know.

All right.
let's begin again.

Wow! Did you feel that?

I felt it.
I felt it.

That was really good.
I felt so powerful there.

Dr. Hartley,
you are wonderful--

- just wonderful
- Well, thank you very much.

And I'm very glad
for all of you, and I--

lhave
wonderful feelings about--

about what's happened
here tonight.

But I'm afraid our--
our time is up.

- Thanks, Doc. Terrific idea.
- That was really good, huh?

Will the last one out
lock up, please?

Yeah, sure.

- You know, Michelle, when you were being quiet--
- Yeah?

I looked at your face,
and I just felt like I wanted to hug you.

- Did you really, Elliot?
- Yeah.

But, Elliot, did you want
to hug me for me...

or just to fulfill
some animal need?

You know, I was reading
this article in Ms. magazine...

- about how a man takes hold of a woman--
- Michelle?

I don't want to anymore.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.

Honey, did you notice what a great night
it is out there tonight?

Bob, it's been raining all day.
It's miserable out there.

I know, but the rain
cleared away the air...

and the trees are glistening,
and the streets are shining.

[Laughs]
Oh.

You must have had
a great session in group tonight.

As a matter of fact, we had
an incredible night with group tonight.

Oh, that's great.
I've got some chicken warming for you.

Honey, I'm too keyed up
for chicken.

Oh. I guess you're too keyed up
for tuna fish then, huh?

I am, uh--
I'm too keyed up for... forjell-O.

Oh. Well, what happened at group?

Somebody get cured or what?

Honey, it was something--
something special.

The whole group,
including myself...

was quiet for,
like, , O seconds.

Yeah?
Then what happened?

That's it.

Oh. Well, that
is wonderful, honey.

Listen, do you want to go
to Lisbon or Tel Aviv?

Uh, I was hoping
to go to bed.

You know what I mean.

Sixty-three days
to Europe's most exotic ports.

The trip of a lifetime.
The one you'll never forget.

Oh, yeah.

I almost, uh--
I almost forgot.

Bob, you know,
we could go to Lisbon and Tel Aviv...

forjust $ more--
What do you say?

Uh, Emily...

s-sit down.

Oh... I knew it.

I knew it. You're having
second thoughts about our trip...

- area :' you?
- Not-I\lot second thoughts--

third and fourth
and-and fifth thoughts.

I've been having
a lot of thoughts about our trip.

Bob, last year
you gave our vacation a lot of thought...

and we wound up
spending four days...

looking for a parking
spot for our camper.

Now, Bob, we have been
planning this since November.

We worked our schedules
out around it.

We made reservations.
We even put down a deposit.

Now, this is the trip of a lifetime,
and if you're gonna...

cancel at this late date, you better
have the excuse of the century.

I guess “I just don't feel like it“
won't work, huh?

Honey, it's my work, you know?

I mean, we're making
such progress.

I mean, it's really
a bad time to leave now...

and it-it's such a long cruise.

You know, days--

That's almost two months
and three days.

I mean, isn't there
a shorter cruise to Europe?

There's one
that takes days...

but you won't
get to meet the Pope.

Bob, are we going,
or are we not going?

Okay, uh--

l-I'm not saying
we're not going...

and I'm not saying
we're going.

I mean, the chances are
that, uh...

that we're gonna go...

but, uh...

you-you can never tell.

Is that, uh--
Is that straight enough for you?

You know, I have this picture of myself
as the boat is leaving.

I have got one foot
on the deck...

and one foot on the dock.

And you are saying to me,
“I am not saying I'm going...

“and I'm not saying
I'm not going.

I'm just saying
I'm not saying.“

Now, do you want dinner
or don't you?

I'm, uh, I'm not saying.

Elaine-- Elaine, I know I'm not there.
That's because I'm still here.

Look, things have been crazy.
I'm leaving now.

I'll be at the restaurant
in five minutes. Bye.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hi, Carol.
- Emily! What are you doing here?

Bob's car is in the shop. I came
to pick him up. Is he almost through?

Yeah. Group's almost finished.

- Gee, I bet you're really excited about
your trip, huh? - Excited isn't the word.

Depressed, frustrated,
miserable, bugged, teed off.

But I don't want
to talk about it.

- Oh, Carol.
-just leaving, Bob.

Carol, I need
a couple boxes of Kleenex.

- Hi, honey. You're early.
- Yeah. There wasn't much traffic.

Guess everybody's home
planning theirvacations.

Listen. The group is real peppy tonight.
Why don't you come in and observe?

- Oh, yeah.
- Here you go, Bob.

- Oh, Carol--
- I'd love to, Bob...

- but I think I hear my elevator coming. Ah!
- [ Dings]

Boy, somebody must be having
a big breakthrough in there, huh?

No, Mr. Peterson's having
a hay fever attack.

Poor man has sneezed
times in a row.

- [Sneeze]
- Thirty-eight.

- Thank you.
- And bless you.

- You all know my wife Emily.
- [Group Chattering]

Would any of you mind
if Emily observed the group tonight?

- Oh, no. - No.
- Thank you.

Where were we?

I was saying that I told my husband,
“No. I won't do it.

“I'm a person too.
If you want me to darn your socks...

you will have
to take them offfirst.“

- That's very good, Mrs. Bakerman.
- Thank you.

Dr. Hartley, you gave me
the strength to tell him.

Since we have
a few minutes left...

why don't we try to be quiet once again?
Everyone want to do that?

- Yeah!
- Sure. -I loved it.

[Sighs]

Somethings bothering you.

I can hear it.

Me?

Oh, no. No, no. Everything's fine.
I was...just thinking.

Oh, no.
You're troubled.

You can't fool me.
I'm an expert.

He's right.
I could feel it way over here.

Yeah. Passed right
through me.

No, really.
There's nothing...

- bothering me.
- Emily, is something bothering you?

Bob, I have got a problem,
and it's driving me crazy.

Isn't that nice?

I'm sorry, Bob, but I'm really gonna
have to talk about it.

That's what we're here for.
We're all equal in this room.

Oh, okay.

Well, last night,
my husband and I--

Uh, Emily--

I'm not your husband here.
I'm the doctor.

Oh, right.

Well, the doctor and I
were in bed last night--

We-We were talking
about this trip we're planning.

And it's a trip of a lifetime...

and he's thinking
about canceling it because of his work...

and I am enormously
frustrated.

Bob, why don't you
want to go away?

If I go on the cruise,
where would the group meet?

- How long is this cruise?
- Sixty-three days.

Oh! You're gonna
see the Pope!

Sixty-three days?
That's a long time.

I know it's a long time, but we worked
very hard for this vacation...

and we deserve it,
and we really want it.

- Emily, what do you want?
- I want to go. He doesn't.

Why don't you want to go,
Dr. Hartley?

What would happen
to the group?

We could still meet and talk things out
and help each other.

- We'll meet at my house.
- What's the matter with my house?

We can take turns
and meet at all our houses.

My father won't let me have
more than three friends over at a time.

We can have refreshments.
It'll be fun.

- Yeah. Go ahead, Doc.
- Yeah, go. Have a good time.

Let me draw you a map
to my house.

You mustn't take
the expressway.

It's so much prettier
if you drive past Lincoln Park.

Oh, Bob!
Isn't that great?

Look. They don't
need you at all.

Oh, and Carol, if there are
any emergencies in the office...

- this'll be my itinerary.
- Oh, right, Bob.

And if we run out of soap in thejohn,
I'll cable you in Marrakech.

[Laughs]
A little travel humor.

- Ha, ha, ha!
- No kidding?

- From a shot.
- Oh.

I've never had
so many sh*ts.

I thought I was through and bent over to pick
up my briefcase, and they gave me the last one.

Hey, Bob. Got a little something
here for your trip.

Oh, thank you, j erry.

That's a complete set
of your dental X-rays...

so if anything happens,
they'll be able to identifyyou.

Very thoughtful, j erry.

- Make the trip a lot more fun.
- Good.

Listen, Bob, don't worry
about your patients...

going to see other doctors
while you're gone.

I mean, you always lose a couple
on vacation. But days--

[ Hoots]

I should have been
out of here by now.

- I got things to do at home. I'm
never gonna make it. - Let me help.

- Are you sure you're not busy tonight?
- No.

I'll just call up my cat and tell her
I'll be a little late tonight.

- You want me too, Bob?
- Well, sure.

Great.

Well, good-bye, offi ce.

- Bob, you're coming back.
- Keep telling my patients that.

Hey, Bob, listen. In Europe,
if you have any doubts about the water...

just brush your teeth with vodka.

- Will that help?
- Who cares?

- We're doing it again, Emily.
- What is it, hon?

Anytime we go anywhere,
even to a come-as-you-are party...

- we over pack.
- Bob...

you can't pack for days
the way you pack for overnight.

We're bringing ten pairs
of shoes.

We're taking a boat to Europe.
We're not walking.

Excuse me, everyone.
I just want to say one thing.

I'm here to be used.
I can answer almost any question.

I've been to every country,
sojust ask me anything, okay?

Howard, would you please
get off my sweater?

Bob, what are you going to do
with this Nehru jacket?

I have no idea. Emily?

You bought it after
it went out of style.

I thought it might
still be in style in Europe.

I don't think
it's still in style in India.

Howard, you could be
some help here.

Oh, sure.
I've been to India.

Would you get me a can opener
from the kitchen?

What do you need
a can opener for?

I just want
to take one with me.

You'll never use it.
Europe's full of can openers.

It's their leading export.

Honey, I packed your thermal underwear.
You're gonna need it in Sweden.

Emily, I've seen
lots of Swedish movies.

Nobody was ever
wearing thermal underwear.

- Here's your can opener.
- Oh, thank you.

- And here's something you're really
gonna need in Europe. - What?

Ketchup.

Howard, put it back.

Really? Then can I borrow it?
I'm all out.

Take it, Howard.

Oh, Carol, I can't wait
to go shopping in Europe.

Oh, shopping.
That's something else I gotta think about.

I gotta worry about the different
exchange rates.

I've already taken care of that.

I made up a list of the different rates
of exchange wherever you go.

Thank you, Howard. That's very thoughtful.
This'll come in handy.

Remember, when you're in Turkey,
never tip more than two dirhams.

Even if they pull a knife on you.
just two dirhams.

Howard, if they
pull a knife on me...

I'm gonna give them
everything I got.

Okay, but you'll ruin
theirwhole economy.

- [ Phone Rings]
- [Emily] Carol, would you get that?

Oh, sure.
Hello?

Oh,just a minute.
Bob, Mrs. Bakerman.

Great. We haven't even left yet,
and the crises are starting.

Emily, be prepared to unpack.

Hello, Mrs, Bakerman.
What's the trouble?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I guess if it's that important to you,
I'll have to do it.

I don't believe it.
He's canceling our trip.

No. No, I don't mind.

Right. Good-bye.

Bob, what is it?

She wants me to put two dollars
down on red in Monte Carlo.

Well, there you are.

You know, you have
a very nice stateroom here.

I was down on “C“ Deck,
and the staterooms down there...

are not nearly as nice
as this one.

You are on the port side,
That way you get to see Europe first.

We've never been
on a cruise before.

[Laughs]
Well, neither have I.

You mean to tell me
we're going to live here for days?

Yeah.

Isn't it cozy?

That wasn't exactly
the word I had in mind.

I think chinchillas
have more room than this.

Where's the bathroom?

I think it's behind
the garment bag.

I'm going to have to shave
on my knees.

Bob, all staterooms are small.
That's half the fun.

I guess the other half
is in this room.

Bob, what's the matter?

I don't know.
I'm just, uh-- I'm kind of down.

It's the first time the group is meeting
without me, and--

Well, I'll get over it.

Uh, I don't suppose
we have a king-size bed?

I don't know.
I haven't found it yet.

We have been all around the ship.
It is so great.

What I wouldn't give to be going with you.
I envy you so much.

Me too. This is really
gonna be some trip. Boy, fantastic!

Jerry, why are you
looking up there?

I just saw The Poseidon Adventure.
I was just wondering--

Emily, I just love your stateroom.
lt'sjust darling.

Thank you. Carol, could you
help me find the bed?

- Listen, listen. What do you say...
- Oh, sure.

We get this champagne open
and drink to a “bum voyage“?

Be careful opening that
in this small space.

The change in pressure
could hurt our eardrums.

[Laughs]

Hi. How areya?
I was up on the bridge...

- checking out the radar equipment.
- How is it?

I don't know.
I couldn't find it.

- [ Pops
- There we go!

- I'll have some of that.
- [All Chattering]

Let's drink a toast here, now,
to the best voyage that anybody ever had.

- I'll drink to that. Cheers.
- I'll drink to that.

- [Steward] Excuse me, please.
- Trunk, trunk, trunk.

- [All Chattering]
- Come on in.

- Have some champagne.
- Oh, danke.

Jerry, don't pour
too much champagne.

I may want to brush
my teeth later on.

- [Knocking]
- Hi.

- Mr. Carlin.
- Hi, Mr. Carlin. What are you doing here?

I didn't want to let you go
without saying good-bye...

and bringing you
a little something.

- Thank you very much.
- It's a first-aid kit.

You might not need it, but if you do,
you'll probably need it bad.

This is very,
very thoughtful.

- [Sh/pk Horn Blows]
- Is that the old “all ashore that's going ashore“?

No, no, Carol. That's just the first
“boop.“ We've got plenty of time.

- Oh, good. Here.
- Cheers. - Cheers again.

Mr. Carlin, how come
you aren't with the group?

[ Shouting, Cheering]

Here we are!

We would have been here sooner,
but we went to the wrong boat.

Yeah. We threw our streamers
at a Coast Guard cutter.

So this is what
a boat is like.

Isn't it nice?
lt'sjust like home.

Where are
the life preservers?

Boy, I'd sure like to take this thing
down the Colorado River.

Iwouldn't
be scared at all.

Oh, Bob.
Isn't this fun?

Yeah, it really is.

- [Giana/Ii] It'; gettinga little crowded in here.
- Pass those to me.

The first one who makes
a Marx Brothers joke gets it.

Oh, Bob.
They're from your mother.

Here's some fruit, everybody.
Helpyourselves.

And there's some cheese
and everything in there. Here.

You throw a swell party,
Dr. Hartley.

- Danke.
-just fill it right up there.

Excuse me. Do I know you?
You're not part of the group.

I know. I was
walking down the hall...

and I was suddenly
sucked right in here.

[Ship's Horn Blows]

There's the “all ashore that's going
ashore“ again. Does that mean us?

That's only the second call, Carol.
We got plenty of time.

- Hi there.
- Oh, hi.

Oh, my.
You're a tall one, aren't you?

Not really.
I'm standing on somebody.

- Have a banana?
- Thank you.

- [Sh/pk Horn Blows]
- That's it. All ashore.

[All Chattering]

I'll take care
of the office.

And don't worry
about writing--

just a little card
from every country.

- Good-bye. - Good-bye, Bob.
- Bob, listen.

We still want you
to have a good time and all that...

but we want you to know
we'll miss you.

- Y-You'll all be fine.
- We don't want you to feel bad about leaving us.

We got enough guilt without
feeling guilty about giving you guilt.

Isn't that nice, Emily?
They're going to miss me.

Yeah. I'm glad.

Hey, everybody.
Either we're moving...

or Chicago is.

Must have lost track
of my “boops?

Well, let's see. Michelle
and Mrs. Bakerman can sleep in there.

Jerry and Howard
will bunkwith me.

I think
I'm getting seasick.

Oh, Bob.
I can't believe it.

Sixty-three clays
with just being alone with you.

Yeah, and nights
of looking for the bed.

Have you found it yet?

I put in a call
to Halstein.

- Is he feeling any better?
- The captain said he's lying down.

Why don't you find out
what he's lying on and order us one?

[ Mews]