01x19 - Not with My Sister You Don't

[bunniefuu]

Yes, this is Dr. Hartley.

Mr. Carlin referred
you to me?

What can I do for you?

Well, Mnjohnson, smiling
and whistling while you work...

doesn't seem to be a problem
you should see a psychologist about.

You drive a hearse?

Yeah. Maybe I'd better make
an appointment for you.

You know, I hate
daylight saving time.

It's : , but I'm tired,
and I don't know if I should be or not.

Well, you should be because your watch
might be set at : , but your body's at : .

- Well, let's get our bodies to bed.
- Oh, fine.

Oh, Bob, there's just one thing
you gotta do before we go to bed.

- What'; that?
- Tomorrow's garbage day.

Ah, then this must be
garbage eve.

- Oh, hi, Bob. Garbage night, huh?
- Hi, Howard.

Yeah, you wanna stroll down
together with me?

No, I'm not throwing
any of this stuff away.

Well, what are you
doing with it, Howard?

Well, I'm just getting rid of it
forawhile.

Look, Howard, I'm standing here
holding garbage...

and you know how it is with garbage,
you should be moving.

I know, Bob.
Garbage can't wait.

Gee, Emily, I hope you don't mind
my barging in like this.

No, we weren't
doing anything.

Yeah, I remember. When we
were married, we did a lot of that.

Oh, what's with the hair dryer
and all the other stuff?

Well, can you take this stuff for me
for a few weeks?

Sure. Why?

Well, my sister Debbie's
coming in to visit me...

and I don't want her
to get the wrong idea.

- That you wash your hair?
- No, that other people wash their hair.

- Oh!
- She's young and impressionable...

and, anyways, I don't want her
to get the wrong idea.

Oh, Howard,
these are adorable.

She must've been awfully cold
going home without them.

You see why I wanna get rid of this stuff.
She'sjust a sweet, innocent kid.

- Oh? How old is she?
- .

You can't believe what it's like down in
the garbage room. I had to push and shove.

You'd thinka big building like this
could afford an extra can.

Bob, Howard's sister's
coming to visit.

Oh, good. I hope she finishes
everything on her plate.

Bob, when you meet her, please
don't mention any of that stuff, okay?

Right, Howard. I'm sure Emily
will explain what that means.

- Goodnight, Howard
- Good night, Emily.

- Bob--
- I don't want to know.

Oh, well, Howard's
leaving his stuff here...

because he doesn't want his sister
to know about his personal life.

And if I know Howard, he's draining
the water out of his water bed right now.

JM Humming]

- You about ready, Debbie?
- just about.

Yeah, good.
So am I.

JM Humming]

Oh, hi, Emily. Why don't you
and Bob come on over?

Dinner's ready.
How long will it take you?

{Knocking}
- Must be hungry.

Oh, hi, Bob.
Made good time.

You drew a great map,
Howard.

- Hi, Howard.
- Hi. How are you? Come in and sit down.

- Oh, sure.
- Debbie, the company's here!

- In a minute.
- Cute, isn't she?

- Sounds cute.
- Well, she is cute.

- What would you like to drink?
- Scotch on the rocks for me.

- [Emily] Yeah me too.
- Scotch.

Scotch, huh? You sure
you just want scotch?

I mean, you sure you don't want
anything a little harder?

I've got everything
in the world.

Just one of the advantages
of working in an airplane.

Let's see. We have a manhattan,
martini, whiskey sour...

- Harveywallbanger-
- [Bob] Howard.

- All we want is scotch.
- Scotch.

We may have run out of scotch.
I've only got bottles.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

Debbie, this is Bob and Emily
from across the hall.

You remember I showed you
their mailbox?

Really nice to meet you.
I feel like I know you already.

- Just from our mailbox.
- Yeah, well, I told her all about you.

I even showed her
your parking space.

- What would you like to drink?
- Oh, nothing for me. Thank you.

Oh, and they say
kids are bad.

- Well, Debbie, how was your trip?
- Oh, it was fine...

except we ran into some kind
of rough air around Omaha.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Oh, well, it's always bad over Omaha.

If I were navigating that plane,
I would never go anywhere near Omaha.

Yeah, but, Howie,
that was one of our stops.

Oh, well, sometimes Omaha
can't be avoided.

Well, here, I brought you an extra drink
in case you want a refill.

- [ Bell Ding; ]
- I'll go and check on the dinner.

Why don't you chomp on
some macadamia nuts? I'll be right back.

- Your brother mixes a good drink.
- Thank you.

Howard tells me
you'rea shrink.

Well, I'm a psychologist.
I guess you could call me a “shrink?

- Are you into any of the new stuff?
- Like what?

Well, I went on this sensory
awareness weekend last summer...

and we got in touch with nature
by running naked through the woods.

Are you into
any of that kind of thing?

Well, my office is
in downtown Chicago.

Bob achieves his naked freedom
with his clothes on.

Well, dinner's
going to be great.

You have your choice of
beef wellington or stuffed squab.

Oh, Howard, you went
to so much trouble.

No trouble-- you just peel back
the tinfoil and there it is.

- [ Bell Ding; ]
- That's the salad.

- Debbie, do you go to school?
- No, I work in a drugstore.

Don't worry, Bob.
There's also a man attendant.

You know, I'm kind of
worried about Howard.

He seems so out of it.
Has he been having any fun lately?

Well, sure.

Why won't he
talk about it?

Can you believe that he told me
that his water bed was for his bad back?

[Laughs]

Okay, everybody, come on to the table.
Dinner's ready.

Well, where do you want us
to sit, Howard?

Right here, Emily. Debbie, over there.
Bob, you sit there.

Thank you. Oh!
Isn't this charming!

Everybody has there own
individual... everything.

[ Grunts, Sighs ]
There we are.

Bob, I want you
to taste the wine.

It's very good, Howard.
I'll have some of that.

You just had it.

Okay, anybody for stereo
with their dinner?

No, I think I'll just fasten my seat belt
and wait for the movie to start.

[Phone Ringing]

Excuse me.

Hello. Howard Borden here.
Hello.

Could you speak a little louder?
I can't hearyou with all that music.

Who's this? Inga?
Oh, Inga. Inga.

Inga.

Yeah, well, I'm having
a little dinner party...

and I'm gonna be a little
busy tonight.

Well, why don't you just give me
your room numberjust in case, okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll try
to make it. Right.

Yeah, I'm disappointed too.
Good-bye.

[Sighs]

That's the cleaning lady--
can't make it next week.

You mean you screamed at him
in the street in front of his wife and kids?

You better believe it.

Ain't nobody gonna run down
their racial hostility on me.

What did you tell him,
specifically?

I called him every
four-letter word I know--

and I know 'em all.

- But you did run into his car?
- Right.

And it was parked
in his driveway.

- Right.
- And you bawled him out for being careless?

Hey, wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me
that it was my fault?

You should have seen the hatred
on that white man's face...

when I ran into his car.

Well, I'm just trying
to be impartial.

Hey, look, I come here
to get help with my problem...

which is people don't like me
because I'm black.

How do you know people don't like you
because of your personality?

What's wrong
with my personality?

You are a little hostile.

I oughta punch you
right in the mouth for that.

I wish you wouldn't
do that.

- Why not?
- It might hurt me.

I wouldn't want to do that,
Dr. Hartley.

You're the only friend
I got left--

and, right now,
I ain't too crazy about you.

Come on.
You gotta level with me.

Tell me the truth.
What's wrong with me?

People don't like you
because you're nasty.

You mean people, even if I was white,
they wouldn't like me?

Right.

That's the nicest thing
anybody ever said to me.

People wouldn't like me
even if I was white.

But, unfortunately,
our time is up.

You know, since I've been
coming here...

this is the first
time I feel really good.

Real good.

See ya, Doctor.

- h, Mr. Dabney
- What?

- Same time next week?
- I don't have to come back next week.

- I'm all better.
- Well, Mr. Dabney, you do have...

a standing appointment,
and Dr. Hartley didn't tell me that--

Look, I know when I feel good
and when I do not feel good...

and I don't need any Dr. Hartley
or any receptionist to tell me.

Nobody owns me, nobody pushes me
around, and don't you forget it!

[Elevator Bell Rings]

[Growls]

I am so angry!
[Growls]

I'll see ya next week.

Well, we seem to be making
real nice progress with Mr. Dabney.

Bob, I thinkyou're right.
He seemed a lot nicerjust now.

Hey, Bob, what are you doing
for lunch?

Oh, Emily's meeting me here.
We're going out to lunch together.

Oh, I thought you, me and Tupperman
could go to the health club for lunch...

maybe afterward
take a little steam.

- You don't suppose Emily would like to--
- I don't suppose Emily would.

- No. - Oh, hi, everybody!
- Hi, Emily.

- HLJer. Hi, dear.
- Be back in a minute.

- Oh, okay.
- Guess I'll go change for lunch.

Jer, could I talk to you
in Bob's office for a minute?

Sure, Emily.
What's up?

L, uh, I don't want you to think
I'm hiding anything from Bob.

- Emily, what are you hiding from Bob?
- [Chuckles]

- Um, are you free tonight to take out a--
- A tooth?

No. I was looking for another way
of saying blind date.

- Blind date. Who with?
- Well,you know Howard Borden.

Hey, wait a minute.

Jerry, Howard's sister
is in town.

He's been taking her to the theater,
dinner, movies-- stuff like that.

Sounds like she's been having a pretty
good time. What does she need me for?

Well, she needs to be with someone
who's not her brother.

- Uh-huh. Well, what's she like?
- Well, she's very interesting.

She's easy to talk to.
She's studying to be a pharmacist.

So faryou haven't mentioned one thing
I look for in a blind date, Emily.

- She's great-looking.
- I'll do it!

- Could you pick her up at : at our house?
- : .

- What's going on here?
-just taking care of a little business.

Emily, you aren't trying to fixjerry up
with Howard's sister, are you?

Emily, I don't believe
in blind dates.

I don't think
blind dates work.

I hate blind dates.

Yeah, I know. That's why
I didn't askyou to take her out.

I still say a blind date is the worst way
for two people to get together.

- It'sjust-- It's too much pressure.
- Bob, there's no pressure.

Jerry wants to take out Debbie, and Debbie
is delighted to go out withjerry.

I'm not talking about them.
I'm talking about me.

I'm sitting here in my suit, worrying
whether they'll like each other.

I'd much rather be in my pajamas,
not caring whether they like each other.

- You're smiling.
- Yeah.

I was just thinking. Debbie is a pharmacist,
andjerry's a dentist.

They could start
their own town.

Doorbell Buzzes

That's probablyjerry.
I'll be glad when this is all over.

Hi, Bob. I thought I'djust pop in
till the kids get here.

What's j erry wearing anyway?

- How would I know that, Howard?
- Bob, we should have gone over this.

I mean, Debbie's in there
getting all dressed up...

and ifjerry's casual,
everybody could be embarrassed.

- I'm not embarrassed. Are you, Emily?
- I told him to wear a tie.

- A dress tie or a casual tie?
- Oh, Howard.

- [Knocking]
- Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, I'll get it!
I'll get it.

Hi, Oh, I'm supposed to go to Bob's,
I'm in the wrong place.

No, no, no. Come on in.
This is Bob's.

- Oh. Then you're in the wrong place.
- Right.

Hi,jer.

- Love your tieJerry.
- Oh, thank you.

- Where's my date?
- Oh! Gee, I wonder where that kid is?

I told her it makes a bad impression
to be late on the first date.

- Debbie, what's taking you so long?
Mr. Robinson's here. - [ Knocking]

- Bob?
- Don't worry. He's not gonna chaperone you.

Well, she's just about ready.
She's just zipping herself up.

Where are you kids
going tonight?

Oh, I don't know. I thought we'd go see
Beach Party Bingo...

then get in the old Merc
and go to the malt shop.

- [ Door Closes ]
- Hi! I'm sorry I'm late.

Jerry Robinson,
this is my sister, Debbie Borden.

H'?

Wow! What beautiful teeth!

Thank you.

I'm an orthodontist, and teeth are my life,
and yours are really beautiful.

So perfect,
so lovely, so--

Hey, I'm sorry.
I've never done that before.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

Well, let's go. I've got dinner
reservations for :OO-- for two.

- Good night.
- Good night, everybody.

- Good night.
- Hope they have a good time.

I think they just did.

Doorbell Buzzes

[Buzzing Continues]

- Who is it?
- It'; me. Howard Howard Borden.

- Hi.
- Hi, Howard.

- Nice night.
- I hadn't noticed. I was in bed asleep.

No, I mean, it's reaiiya nice night.
Look outside. There's a full moon.

It's so quiet,
you can hear the sounds of the night--

the wind, the crickets,
the ambulances.

Thanks for pointing out
the night to me, Howard.

That's okay.
Can I use your telephone?

- Isn't that one working?
- Yeah, that's what I want to find out.

- Sure. Go ahead.
- Thank you.

Oh! Would you
hold on to that, Bob?

That's the trouble with phones.

When they're out of order,
you never know because they never ring.

You don't know if they're broken
oryou'rejust unpopular.

[Ringing]

- It works, Howard.
- The bell works.

Would you mind answering it
and see if the rest works?

[Ringing]

- Hello?
- Hello?

I'm going to bed now, Howard.

Bob?

-I hung up, Howard.
- Oh, good-bye.

- Was that our phone?
- Hone ) /'// explain in the morning.

Howard, it was very nice
chatting with you on the phone.

What's Howard's phone
doing in our apartment?

Oh, it has an extra-long
extension cord.

I have the feeling Debbie isn't home yet,
and Howard is a little concerned, right?

Wrong. I'm not
a little concerned.

I am worried sick!

I mean-- Please don't
ask me to go home.

Oh, Howard.
It's only : in the morning.

- That's not so late.
- : ? I've been home for an hour...

and I had
quite an evening.

Howard, let's try to pinpoint
this exact-- exactly.

What-What are you concerned about?

- Everything.
- An accident?

- That too.
- Oh, Howard.

Now, that's all in your head.
Debbie is your sister.

You're feeling responsible, protective,
like a parent. That's perfectly normal.

I don't believe it,
Emily. Bob--

I mean, what do you think?
This is your field.

Well, Howard, Debbie's your sister.
You're feeling responsible, protective...

like a parent, you know?

That makes
a lot more sense.

What doesn't make sense is what
are they doing out till : in the morn--

- What? ls everything all right?
- Oh!

Yeah, well, we werejust
standing around...

chatting, I mean,
the three of us.

We always chat like this.
We're night people. We do it all the time.

Wejust talk the night away.
[Laughs Nervously]

As a matter of fact,
we were talking about the time.

- Did you know it was : in the morning?
- Oh, no kidding?

Listen, why don't we all
go to bed?

Uh-

I mean, I'm going to bed.
Good night, everybody.

- Good night, Em.
- Honey, I'll join you...

as soon as I let our guests out
and lock up.

Well, you must have closed up
a couple of places in Old Town.

- No.
- Oh.

- Come on. I'll walkyou to your door.
- Oh, thank you.

Well, it looks likejust the two of us
alone again, Howard.

Well, I just wanted the kids-- to give 'em
a chance to be alone by themselves.

Howard, will you lock up after you give
the kids a chance to be by themselves alone?

Good idea, Bob, I've got the feeling
I'm going to be here quite a while.

[ Buzzing]

[Buzzing Continues]

- [ Bob] Carol--
- Bob?

- Carol?
- Bob?

This is Howard.
Howard Borden.

- Where's Carol?
- I don't know. Can I come in and see you?

I guess. Are there any patients
waiting out there?

- Uh, no.
- Okay. Come on in, Howard.

Yeah, right.

Where are you?

Right here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.
I'll be right in.

- Hi.
- Hi, Howard.

I guess Carol isn't back
from lunch yet.

You know, I've never been
in your office before.

It's-- So, this is where
you do it, huh?

- This is where I do it, Howard.
- I thought it'd be different...

you know, more depressing.

No, this is about
as depressing as it gets.

- You wanna sit down?
- Oh, no, I don't need the couch.

I'm not that--
not that far.

Oh, Kleenex. A lot
of people have colds?

That and other reasons.

Well, it's good to see you, Howard. I haven't
seen you since-- what, : this morning?

Well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

I feel ridiculous,
the way I behaved last night.

I mean, treating my sister like a girl
when she's a woman.

I don't know why I treat her like a girl.
I mean, why, Bob?

Well, Howard, I'm between appointments
right now, and it's not that simple.

You know, sometimes it takes
years and years to find out why.

It started when I was .

I left home, and I enlisted
in the air force.

Well, she was two years old,
and I feltjust awful about, you know...

leaving her like that--
I was her big brother...

and I just left her all alone
with nobody but Mom and Dad.

I don't know. I wanted to say good-bye,
but she was taking a nap...

and I didn't
want to wake her.

I just-- The bus was waiting
and I just went off... on the bus.

And then when I--

[Sobbing]
And then when I got out of the service...

I didn't bring her
anything at all.

That's why I feel so guilty
and that's why...

I'm so overly protective
of her all the time.

Then, other times,
it just takes a couple of minutes.

You're a good
psychologist, Bob.

I wanna thank you
for what you've done for me.

I feel so drained.

Now, I know why you have
this box of Kleenex.

I've been walking around
holding all that in all these years.

[Blowing]

[Intercom Buzzing

- [ Carol] Mrs. Peterson's here.
- Tha n k you.

- Howard, I'm afraid our time is up.
- In a way I'm glad.

I hate to think what would've happened
if I was here a whole hour.

[Sobs]

Howard must've had the fastest cure
in the history of psychology.

I mean, I've never had a breakthrough
between patients before.

- [ Doorbell Buzzing]
- I'll get it.

- Oh, hi, Howard. Come on in.
- Thank you.

- Well, I got Debbie of fall right.
- Great.

Thank you, again, Bob,
for what you did.

Did Bob tell you about
our big session in his office?

Uh, yeah, he told me
a little bit.

Yeah, well, it changed
my whole life--

I mean, as far as Debbie is concerned.
Yeah, we talked for two hours.

Well, she told me she was a woman
and not a girl...

and I let her know
I was a man.

I mean, I, uh--
l__

I told her about the hair dryers and,
you know, gut-level stuff.

Oh, Howard,
that's really wonderful.

And I suppose she told you
about her and Frank, huh?

- No.
- Oh. Would you excuse me?

I'll get the hair dryer
and the other--

- Frank?
- Y-You like coffee, don't you, Howard?

- Frank?
- You like cream and sugar, Howard?

- Frank?
- Think I'll give Emily a hand with that stuff.

Frank?

[ Mews]