01x08 - Don't Go to Bed Mad

[bunniefuu]

[Ringing]

Oh. Oh, hello.

It won't be
but just a minute.

Oh, Bob. Uh--

You, uh-- You want me to
clear you for takeoff?

No. No, no, no. I just did my nails.
Could you pick up the phone?

H-Hello?

- Hello?
- No. One hello is plenty, Bob.

They hung UP-

Well, probably wasn't important.
It was my line.

Do I have any messages?

Yeah.just one.
Mr. Carlin's coming to see you in a little while.

- He just needs minutes.
- Fifteen minutes? Did he say why?

Mm-hmm. He got mugged
on the way to work...

his stocks went down
five points...

and they found what was left
of his stolen car in Hawaii.

He thinks he's depressed.

L-- I would hope he's depressed.
Give him an hour.

Oh, bless your heart.
Oh, Bob. Listen, Bob.

Before you go into your office,
there's a little something in there...

I better explain
so you don't throw it out by mistake.

- It's not a patient, is it?
- Oh.

Uh, where is it,
and what is it?

- Ta-da.
- What-- What is it?

It's a baby grapefruit, Bob.

I grew it from a seed.
Now, can you imagine what that feels like?

I'm the only mother
it's ever known.

Why is it here?
Why isn't it home in its crib?

All my plants do so well in your office.
I guess it's the vibes in here.

I mean, they listen to
your patients' problems and troubles all day.

It makes the plants feel
emotionally superior.

Well, Carol, I'm glad I'm helping out
your leafy friends, but...

don't you think it's getting
a little humid in here?

L-- I can't keep
a crease in my pants.

[Knocking]

- Hey, Bob.
- HxQ/er/JA

What are you
gonna do tonight?

- Uh, nothing.
- [Chuckles] That's what you think.

Tonight is Monday,
and what happens on Monday night?

The trash goes out.

- What else?
- I go out with it.

Football, Bob. MondayN/ght Football,
and it starts tonight.

- Hey, that's right. That's fantastic.
- Isn't it?

What are you guys so excited about?
lt'sjust your basic football, isn't it?

Yes, but it's on Monday night.

Jerry, let-- let me
handle this.

See, Carol, Monday is
kind of a bad day for most people.

- Hmm. - I mean, the weekend is over.
The long workweek is starting.

Restaurants are closed.
The theater is dark.

Monday stinks, Carol.

- So?
- Let me put it this way, Carol.

Not many guys askyou out
on dates Monday night, do they?

- Oh,jer, is that why?
- Exactly.

Oh. Now if I canjust figure out
the problem the rest of the week.

See, Carol, MondayN/ght Football
is something we look forward to...

uh, that we enjoy.

It helps us
release our tensions.

No kidding.

You get that from football?

Sort of.

Well, each to his own.

I don't think
she understands, Bob.

I know, but that's as close
as she's gonna get.

I'll tell you what.
Come over to the house...

we'll have dinner,
we'll watch the football game.

Great. But tell Emily
not to go to any trouble.

- Jerry, you're no trouble.
- Thank you, Bob.

Bob, Mr. Carlin's here.

Oh. What, uh--
What kind of shape is he in?

Well, let me put it this way, Bob.
Where does he sit?

Right there.

He's gonna be great
for my grapefruit.

[ Door Opens ]

- Hi, honey.
- Hz; honey.

- HLJerry.
- H ; Emily.

Jerry, you shouldn't have.
- I didn't. Oh, that.

Uh, it's a little something.

Oh, that was
very thoughtful of you.

- Thanks,jerry. Hello, love.
- Hi.

Uh, are we--
are we having company?

No. We're having dinner.
That's for the three of us.

Yeah, but, honey, I told you.
Don't go to any trouble.

Oh, it wasn't any trouble.
I just threw some stuff together.

- [ Bell Ding; ]
- That's the hot salmon mousse.

Hey, Bob,
KickofPs in five minutes.

Right. Uh--

Honey, I know-- I know we were rushed,
and maybe you misunderstood me...

but, uh, I did say, you know,
don't-- don't fuss.

- [ Buzzer Buzzes ]
- Oh. That's the quiche lorraine. No, I didn't fuss.

Man On TV]
Right. It is a beautiful night for the game.

Bob, is that football?

- Bob, come on. They're introducing the
starting lineup. - In a minuteJerry.

It is football.

But today is Monday.
The game was yesterday.

Yeah, this is, um,
Monday Night Football.

Oh, no. Has it been
a year already?

Bob, they're flipping the coin.
You're gonna miss the whole thing.

Right. Honey, I know you put
a lot of thought and effort...

- and energy into this dinner.
- Bob...

are you gonna ask me
if you can eat in front of the television set?

Eventuallyl was gonna
askyou that.

Okay.

Man On TV]
And Miami wins the toss.

Oh, Miami won the toss.
Darn it!

- Why darn it? - Oh, I bet Tupperman five
dollars New York would win the toss.

Uh-- Uh-- Uh-- Uh--

- Uh-- Uh-- Uh-- Uh--
- What?

- Nothing. Nothing.
- Oh. Well, dinner's coming.

Oh, boy. New York'sjust gonna k*ll 'em--
just gonna rip 'em apart, Bob.

Five dollars. I'll take New York.
You take Miami.

- No. I'll take New York. You take Miami.
- Okay.

Man On TV]
Okay. They're lining up for the kickoff.

Oh, uh-- uh-- uh--

Uh--
[Clears Throat]

Uh, does anybody want
wine with dinner?

Not now, thanks. I'll have a beer
during the commercial though.

Honey, the food is
delicious.

He dropped that beautiful pass.
In his hands, and he dropped it!

Honey, what--
what's the matter?

Oh, I-- I just thought I'd get the beer.
Maybe it'll help me get in the mood.

- [ Whistle Blows]
- Ti me-out.

- UhJerry, excuse me.
- Uh-huh.

Honey, can I talk to you
for a minute?

- Bob, they/re starting again.
- Uh, right after the next time-out or the--

the next commercial,
whichever comes first.

- There's a dog on the field. [Chuckles]
- I can talk to you now.

Watch the clog, j erry.

- What-- What's the matter, honey?
- Well, Bob...

to tell you the truth,
I feel a little left out.

I mean, I don't understand
football that well.

Honey, I don't want you feeling left out.
I'll explain it to you.

Thank you.

- Jerry.
- See, now that's a-- that's a dog on the field.

- Oh. - Emily, what is it exactly you
don't understand about football?

What do they do
with the ball?

- What? - Well, a man takes the ball,
and he puts it between his legs...

and then another man wipes his hands
on a towel, and then they all hide the ball.

Well, you have to watch for it.
See-- See the guy running?

- Now he-- he has the ball.
- Well,which one?

They're all running. I mean,
even the men in the striped shirts are running.

- Ooh!
- He isn't running anymore.

See, the bail is under
that big pile of guys there.

Well, that's what I like about basketball.
You can always see the ball.

Yeah, but, honey, that big pile of guys
knew who had the ball.

- How come you didn't?
- Hey, hey, hey, Bob.

Maybe it's a bit like teaching
your own wife how to drive. Let me try.

Emily, they're gonna start soon.
See the ball on the field there?

- Yes. That man has it. The one who's bending over.
- Right. Good.

Now, the man standing behind the man
bending over is called the quarterback...

- and he always gets the ball first.
- Uh-huh.

The ball's snapped. quarterbacks got the ball.
He's handing off to Number .

Number is handing off to Number .
Except he didn't! It's a fake.

Number 's got it,
and he's bringing it around the end. Go on.

- Get him.
- Go on.

- Get him.
- Go on.

- Get him!
- Go on.

Touchdown!

- Fluke.
- Uh, I still don't see the ball.

Well, that's because
they threw it up into the stands there.

- Well, why?
- Because they're happy.

Well, how can they play
without a ball?

They'll get the ball back. See the usher
in the stands chasing the kid with the ball?

- Uh-huh.
- Go on, kid. Go on, kid.

- Go, kid. Go!
- Go on, kid. Go on, kid.

Oh! He should have lateraled
to his friend there.

He should have gone in the tunnel
instead of for the stairs.

- Yeah.
- Boys, you got yourselves a dumb game there.

Man On TV]
And now back to play.

- Hey, Bob. Wasn't that fantastic last night?
- Yeah. Great.

Really great.
[Clears Throat]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you, Bob.

- Listen, maybe we can do it
again next Monday, huh? - Sure.

Uh, I hope that Emily
wasn't, uh-- you know.

- No, no. She very often goes
to bed at : at night. - Oh.

Listen. Tell her that next Monday night
I'm buying the dinner.

- I'll bring over a barrel of chicken.
- Great.

- [Intercom Buzzes]
- Yeah, Carol.

- Emily on two, Bob.
- Thank you.

- Tell her I want to thank her.
- Uh, honey?

- Jerry says to thank you.
- Tell her the dinner was sensational.

He says the dinner
was sensational.

Tell her that next Monday night
I'm buying the barrel of chicken.

- Am I in the way hereJerry?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Emily? Sensational
just isn't the word for it.

And I'm buying the dinner next Monday.
What do you like? Breasts or thighs?

She wants you, Bob.

Yeah. Hi, honey.

Well, of course it's every Monday.
That's why it's called MondayN/ght Football

Well, I, uh--
I can't talk right now.

Well, there's a-- there's
a person in the office.

WelLJerry counts
as a person.

Now there are
two people in the office.

And a lot of plants.

Excuse me, Bob.
Mrs. Walker is waiting.

Honey, I got a patient waiting now.
Yeah. It's getting awfully crowded.

Well, I, uh--
I can't talk right now.

We'll talkwhen I get home.

Right. Right.
Good-bye.

Right.

Good-bye.

Right. Right.
Goo-- Goo-- Good-bye.

Good-bye.

She was giving you a little heat there,
wasn't she, Bob?

No, no. She'sjust--
just a little hot.

It's my fault. I shouldn't have come over last night.
I won't come next Monday.

HeyJerry. I'm not gonna feel guilty
because I invited a friend over to watch football.

Oh. Well, Bob.
I can understand.

See, uh, my brother
has the same problem.

His wife won't let him
watch roller derby.

Jerry.

I don't have any problem.
I'm gonna watch football next Monday night.

I mean, my wife
doesn't tell me what to do.

I mean, really.

Oh, I believe you.

-I mean, really.
- I believe you, Bob.

Listen. I've got two tickets to the White Sox game
Friday night. You want to come?

Gee, the-- the timing's
a little badJerry.

Ah. I understand. They're my brother's tickets.
His wife wouldn't let him go either.

Door Closes

- Hi, honey.
- Hello.

Whew. I'm beat.

Boy, those Tuesday night group sessions
really take it out of me.

We went through five boxes
of Kleenex.

Imagine that.
A five-box night.

Sit down and eat.

- Thanks.
- So, you're really tired, huh?

- Exhausted.
- Good. That probably means I'll win this argument.

What-- What argument?

You may not know it, Bob,
but we're having an argument.

Honey, I've been involved
in a lot of arguments tonight.

Uh, can you remind me
which one this is?

Well, this is Tuesday night.
You're having your dinner at I O:OO...

because you have
group therapy on Tuesday.

Now, Wednesday you go to the clinic.
Thursday I take a class.

Friday we're both tired.

Saturday, football.
Sunday, football.

And now Monday night,
football.

- Oh.
- And I do not feel like sharing my Monday nights...

with you and Howard Cosell.

Honey, you-- you make
a good case.

L-- I must admit.
You make a very good case.

Oh, Bob. I've been struggling
with this all day.

I mean, it's not that
I want to control you.

It's just that I'm fighting
for my own rights.

Did I say good case?
You make a-- a great case.

Oh, Bob. I knew
you'd understand.

But unfortunately, it's not
as great a case as I make.

And I'm gonna watch
Monday Night Football.

- You're serious, aren't you?
- I'm tired.

Can I have, uh, some dessert?

We've got
a banana cream pie.

I love banana cream pie.

All I want to do is have some banana cream pie,
crawl into bed.

Bob, you can't go to bed.

- Why can't I go to bed?
- Because I'm mad.

Oh, no.

No. You're not gonna
pull the vow out tonight.

Bob, what good is a vow
if you never pull it out?

I mean, we promised each other
we'd never go to bed mad, and I'm mad.

Honey, couldn't you go to bed
happy tonight and mad tomorrow night?

No, Bob. I can't do that.

Well, the vow isn't gonna work anyway
because, uh, I'm not mad.

Oh, you're mad, Bob.

- Really. I'm not mad.
- Yes, you are.

- Hey. I'm not mad.
- Yes, you are.

I am really not mad.

Now I'm mad.

[Vacuum Cleaner Humming]

Emily, it's clean. That's the third time
you've vacuumed this apartment.

If we're not gonna talk,
I might as well do something constructive.

I am perfectly willing
to talk.

Oh, all right.

Well?

Well, it's been so long,
I forgot what the fight was about.

I just thinkyou're being a little selfish
and inconsiderate. That's all.

I mean, you watch football on Saturday,
you watch football on Sunday...

and I don't think it's too much to ask
that we spend our Monday nights together...

and that's what
we're arguing about.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I-- I remember.

We're arguing about the fact
that I'm a -year-old man...

and my wife is telling me what I can
and cannot watch on television...

in my own living room,
in my own house...

in my own life.

Bob, I hate the way
you argue.

You're so casual.
You never yell.

I know why you're saying
I neveryell--

because you want to yell,
but you don't want to yell first.

That's another thing
that infuriates me.

You always thinkyou know why
I'm saying what I'm saying.

- That is not true. And I know why you said that.
- Oh!

All right. All right.
I have a suggestion.

Since we can't seem to yell about
what's bothering us...

we'll write down what's bothering us
on a piece of paper.

Be sort of like yelling
on a piece of paper.

Oh. Fine.
That really sounds fine.

Now, you write all the-- all the things
that are bothering you about me...

and I'll write down all the things
that are bothering me about you.

Bob, I know what to write.

[Mouthing Words]

- Em-- Emily.
- More paper, please.

Uh, operator, is it possible for you to
ring the number that I'm calling from?

Uh, - .

Thank you.

[Ringing]

[Continues]

[Stops]

Emily.

Yeah. You can come out of the bedroom.
I was wrong, and you were right.

Oh, Bob.

L-- I was wrong about
item .

I did leave my socks in the hall...
three years ago.

What about item one?

No. You're-- You're wrong
about that. I'm...

still gonna watch football
on Monday night.

Well, if anybody wants me,
I'll be in the bedroom.

Door Closes

[Phone Ringing]

- [ Ringing Stops ]
- [Bob] Emily, come out of the bedroom.

Stop fighting right now...

'cause I have a deal for you.

I will trade you
items two through ...

in exchange for item one.

- Now that is a great deal.
- Tell you what, Bob. I'll make a deal with you.

I'll trade you items two through
if you give me item one.

That's a rotten deal.

Okay.

I'm trying to be
patient with you.

That's another thing I forgot
to put down on the list--

how abnormally patient you are
with me when we fight.

Doorbell Buzzes

Are we expecting anybody
at : in the morning?

No.

- Who is it?
- Somebody with a blue eye.

Uh, Howard has a blue eye.

- Howard, is that your blue eye?
- [Howard] Yeah!

- Hi, Bob. How are ya?
- Hi, Howard.

- “(may guess who' s have?
- Oh.

Well, ifit isn't Howard.
Hi, Howard.

- I thought you were in New York, Howard.
- I was.

Howard was in New York, Emily.

Yeah. I was flying home,
and I saw the lights on in your apartment.

You know your lights
are the only ones on for blocks?

I'll be darned.

Well, since you're up,
I, uh, thought I'd stick around.

I got a-- I got a problem.

Got a minute?

Sure, Howard.

[Emily]
Well, to tell you the truth, Howard...

we are having the longest argument
in the history ofour marriage.

No. I-- I think the longest one
was when you wanted to buy a cat.

- Who won that argument?
- You don't see a cat around here, do you, Howard?

You know,
I forgot about that.

Uh, what's the--

What's this argument
about anyway?

Howard, I don't think
you're gonna want to get into it.

Howard, it's very simple.

I want to watch
Monday Night Football.

That makes sense.
A man likes football...

I mean, uh,
that makes a lot of sense.

- What's wrong with that?
- Well, the problem is, Howard...

Bob works late on Tuesday night,
Wednesday night he's at the clinic...

Thursday I take a class,
Friday we're both tired...

Saturday, football, Sunday, football,
and now Monday night, football.

- Do you get the picture?
- Too much football.

- Yeah.
- Ah, that makes sense too.

- Thank you, Howard. You really helped a lot.
- That was a big help.

What's a friend for, you know,
if you can't help one another?

I gotta hand it to you.
You two really argue well.

My ex-wife and I never argued well.
I mean, I won them all.

Except the one about
the alimony payment.

Boy, did she win that one.
Well, look, I can find my way out.

Okay. Where were we?

Item , grunting
while exercising.

Now, what's wrong with that?

Bob, to tell you the truth, I'm perfectly happy
living with all the other things...

but when you want to talk about
item one,just let me know.

- [Plane Engines Droning]
- [Machine g*ns Firing]

- Is that the news?
- No. It's a w*r movie.

Want to take a break
and watch somebody else fight?

[Engines Droning

You know, it's amazing how many w*r pictures
thatjapanese actor's been in.

He always gets shot
out of the sky in every one.

- [Machine g*ns Firing]
- [expl*si*n]

There he goes again.

- Bob.
- [g*nshots On TV]

Bob.

[ Loud, Deep Voice]
Bob.

- Just resting my eyes.
- Oh.

You broke our vow.
You went to sleep.

I didn't go to sleep.
I fell asleep.

Besides, I didn't even fall asleep.
I just dozed off for a few seconds.

;; [ Instrumental On TV]

What's that?

Just dozed off, huh?
You slept through the entire Second World w*r.

Oh, Bob. Let's go to bed.
I'm not mad anymore.

- Who won?
- The Americans.

- Who won here?
- I don't know...

and I don't care,
and that's why I'm not mad anymore.

Let's not go into it, 'cause I'll get mad
all over again, and we'll never get to bed.

So lefsjust
forget about it for now.

Okay. But, you know, it's gonna
come up again sooner or later.

- Uh, later.
- Let's go to bed.

- [Click] - [Man On Radio] Good
morning. It's : in Chicago.

And, oh, what a beautiful
morning it is.

Traffic is moving as well as
can be expected for this hour.

There is a bit of a tie-up
on the northern Michigan Avenue turnoff.

Weather forecast
for Chicago and vicinity--

What do you want
for breakfast?

Lots of coffee.

You want some
banana cream pie with it?

I don't think so.

[ Mews]