01x07 - Father Knows Worst

[bunniefuu]

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

I don't understand. lfwe set the clock radio
for : , why are we getting up at : ?

Because I set it on an F.M. station.
I'll never do that again.

You know, it's hard to wake up
to the entire ballet of Sleeping Beauty

For the last hour, I was dreaming a guy
on a white horse was gonna kiss me.

- Me too.
- Yeah, but for you it's not a nightmare.

Well, that's all the time
I have for the paper.

- I still have time to get dressed and
still catch my train. - [Knocking]

Oh, swell.

Hi, Bob.
I just got back from Tokyo.

Great. I can't wait to hear
all about it. Excuse me, Howard.

Hi, Howard.
Back from Tokyo already?

I just got back this minute. Surprised you didn't
hear me. I flew right over the building.

- You know there's a Frisbee on our roof?
- No kidding?

And a whole lot ofotherjunk. You'd think
people would take more pride in their roof.

We have the dirtiest one
in the neighborhood.

When it's ready, pouryourseifa cup.
Bob and I are in kind of a rush this morning.

I just came over to pick up
my mail and newspapers.

Pouryourselfa cup of coffee. Emily and I
are in kind of a rush this morning.

I just came over to pick up
my mail and newspapers.

- The papers are there. There wasn't any mail.
- Did I get any phone calls?

- Just one. Lois Borden.
- Lois Borden. Lois Borden.

- Your ex-wife.
- Oh.

She wanted to know
if you could pick up your son...

and have him tomorrow and the next day
instead of over the weekend.

Howie! I would love to!
I'll pick him up first thing in the morning.

Wait. How can I? I don't have anything
planned. What am I gonna do with him?

Howard, what do you have to plan
for an eight-year-old?

I like to make his visits interesting.

You're an interesting person, Emily.
Can you think of anything interesting to do?

- For who to do?
- For Howie and me.

- What do you usually do?
- The last time I took him to the zoo...

the Museum of Science and Industry,
to the auto show-- then we had lunch.

You did all that before lunch?

I had to.
The Ice Capades started at : .

Maybe it isn't necessary
to do so much.

Are you kidding? I have four days a month
to undo what Lois does on the other .

I gotta make that kid like me.

- Emily, do you know we're out of toothpaste?
- You're gonna have to use soap.

I did. Blech!

I guess it's my turn. Blech!

Bob, do you think the circus
is too violent for an eight-year-old?

Don't think it matters.
That's Sunday's paper. The circus closes today.

Oh, swell. What am I
gonna do with him anyway?

You and your son
could watch 'em tear it down.

Dismantling?
That sounds constructive.

I just hope his mother doesn't tell him
I did it to save money.

- Why would she do that?
- She's still mad at me.

She thinks it's my fault the marriage didn't work
out because of my flying all the time.

- How could it be my fault? I was never at home.
- Mm-hmm.

You know something?
I think she's turning the kid against me.

- You know what he did last month?
He called me “sir.“ - Who?

- Howie. - Maybe it was because
you were wearing your uniform.

You know something?
I never thought of that.

I won't wear the uniform.

Ah, but I gotta wear the hat.

Howiejust loves that hat.
You know what he does, Emily?

Well, he takes the hoop out,
you know.

And, uh, well, he gets his fingerprints
all over the brim.

I say, “You gotta pick it up
by the edges, like a record."

But every time I get it back--
Ah, well. What the heck.

He's my son, and I love him and he loves
the hat. Know what I mean, Bob?

Yeah, I love my hat too, Howard.
It's getting kind of late, Howard.

Oh, what am I doing?

I'm sorry. I'm keeping you folks up.
It's I : at night.

Howard, are you still
on Tokyo time?

Of course.
It's still yesterday morning here.

Feel free to stay here and relax and enjoy it
all over again. Be sure and lock the door.

Maybe I will. My legs are a little tired
from talking to you, folks.

Mrs. Swan, now you just
fill out this form on both sides...

and Dr. McGowen will be
with you in just a moment.

And I thinkyou can disregard
“ “ where it asks...

“What do you think is the cause
of your illness?“

- Hi, Carol.
- HLJer.

- Are you eating lunch here today or
are you going out? - I'm going out.

Me too.
What time are you going?

- : .
- Me too. Uh, how much time are you gonna take?

- About an hour.
- Me too.

- I guess we can have lunch together then, huh?
- Fraid not,jer.

Ah, gee. I was doing
so good until then.

It's not personal.
lt'sjust that...

I'm having lunch today
with a man I really care about.

You know, Carol, someday you're really gonna
be sorry for the way you've been treating me...

a respected member
of the dental profession and all.

Someday you're gonna come crawling to me
on your hands and your knees with a big cavity.

And I'm just gonna squirt
cold air on it.

Hey, Bob.
How 'bout having some lunch?

She turned you down again, huh?

Yeah. That's no reason to starve.

Howard}
Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me.

Men coming out.
Men coming out. Here we are.

Men coming out. Okay.

- Hi, Bob. How areyou?
- H ; Howard H ; Howie.

- Hi. -jerry, you remember Howard
Borden, junior and senior?

- Uh-huh.
- Good seeing you again.

- Oh, my goodness. This is terrible.
- It's not so terrible.

It's better to have that stuff
on your shirt than on your teeth.

Guess what we watched them
tear down all morning.

The circus. You know, there's more
to cleaning up a circus than you think.

Everybody pitches in-- the acrobats
and the clowns and the chimps.

- Chimps?
- The chimps didn't do much work.

They werejust there
to keep up the morale.

That's very interesting.
What brings you here?

It's lunchtime, and since lunch
is next on the agenda...

we thought we'd askyou--
What are you doing for lunch?

Jerry and I were
just going out to lunch.

Well, why don't the four of us go?
just us guys.

- You want a balloon?
- No, thank you.

I've, uh, gotta get
this stuff off my shirt.

- Be a good little guy till I get back, okay?
- Okay.

Yeah. Which, uh-- Ah.

- You want a balloon?
- Thanks.

Okay. I'll just go change
into my civies.

Howie, there's a trick to that.

[Balloon Squeaking]

You see, the trick is to do it
without hurting yourself.

And the other trick
is to tie a knot in it...

without getting your finger caught.

- A lot of tricks to blowing up a balloon.
- Thank you.

- So, where would you like to eat?
- I don't know.

- What kind of food do you like?
- French fries.

Well, we'll go
to a French restaurant.

I got it all off, Bob.

Does the stain look bad?
I don't want my son to see me stained.

No one will ever notice, Howard.

Howard, you got a big water spot
on your shirt there.

Bob, is he going to keep putting me
down like that all day?

Well, he was just trying to--

You do have a big water stain
on your shirt.

I know, but it might have dried
before my son noticed it.

I've come too far to give it all up now. I can't afford
to have my son see anybody not like me.

Howard, everyone likes you.

Will you do me a favor
and quit trying to impress your son?

Let's just have a nice,
relaxing lunch.

Okay, we'll go and have
a nice relaxing lunch...

and I won't try to impress my son.

Okay, guys, we're all going to lunch,
and Daddy's picking up the check.

Oh, what does the balloon say?
“I have been to my--“

[Balloon Pops

Well, uh, how do you like it, Son?
just us guys.

- Real masculine, isn't it?
- Hello.

- What's she doing here?
- I'm your waitress. Have you decided yet?

- Yes, we've decided. I'll take it.
- You'll take what?

- The check.
- We haven't even ordered yet, Howard.

Oh. Well, when we do,
the check goes here.

Yes, sir. The special today
is bouillabaisse.

What's boola-- boola--

That's a Yale fight song.

I'll explain bouillabaisse to you.
You know the ocean?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, it's a lot of stuff from the bottom.

Anyway, you wouldn't like it.
Nobody does.

I'll have the bouillabaisse.

- Thank you.
- Bob.

Howard, don't be so touchy.
I was gonna order the same--

All right, I'll have
the special steak sandwich meal.

Fine. Baked or French fries?

French fries.

What kind of dressing
on your salad?

French.

- Thank you. And what'll you have, young man?
- I'll order for both of us.

First, a hamburger, French fries...

and a big orange soda.

And he'll have a hot dog,
French fries and a glass of milk.

Fine. Thank you.

Hey, Bob, did you see what the Bulls did
to the Lakers last night?

Yeah, that was terrific.
Bob Love got what, , points?

- Thirty-five.
- No kidding?

- And he was out ofl from the floor.
- Wow.

You're really a basketball fan.
Me too.

- Sloan really gave West a fit, didn't he?
- Yeah.

You watch the game
on TV last night, Howard?

No, I was busy sleeping after navigating
a big jetliner back fromjapan.

- Huh?
- Howard's a navigator on a bigjetliner.

- Really?
- Really.

I thought they were gonna blow it in the
third quarter. Walker couldn't buy a basket.

That's because
he was being guarded too close.

Oh, he could have gotten
around some of those guys.

He should havejust driven right in him.
Laid 'em right out.

Wow. Yeah.

I once flew the Green Bay Packers
from Green Bay to Detroit.

It was a big exhibition game.

- No kidding, Howard.
- Their regular charter plane broke down...

and we had to get in there
at the last minute and save 'em.

It was quite exciting.

- Who won?
- Detroit. Uh--

Green Bay. One of them.
I'm not much on sports.

- Daddy?
- Yes.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- I'll show you where it is.

- Can he take me?
- Oh,yeah, sure, Howie.

Anyway, Howie, Goodrich may be quick,
but I like a guy like Weiss.

He just plops 'em right in there
from the outside.

I used to play a little ball myself
when I was younger.

[indistinct]

I lost him.

Howard, he'sjust
taking him to the bathroom.

I know kids. They go to the bathroom
with who they like best.

I lost my son, Bob.

Emily, you deal with kids a lot.

I mean, you get along
with them, right?

Well, I didn't do so well today.

I gave a kid a “D“
in a spelling test...

and after school he wrote an obscene word
in the dust on my car.

How do you know
it was the same kid?

Because he misspelled it.

But usually they write nice words
in the dust on your car.

- Yeah. - I think Howard's having
a big problem with his son.

- Howie? What's wrong with little Howie?
- His father.

Howard got so depressed today becausejerry,
he took his son to the bathroom.

I mean, he wants everything
to be so perfect.

Bob, that's ridiculous.
Nobody can be that perfect.

- [ Ringing]
- You finished, honey?

Yeah.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Howard.

Howard?

- “Swam.
- [Knocking]

- Come in.
- Howard!

Hi, Bob.

- Howard, Why'd you call me and then hang up?
- Wanted to see if you were home.

-I am.
- I know.

Bob, Emily, can you do me a favor?
Can you take care of Howie for a while?

- Yeah. What's up?
- I have to fly to St. Louis tonight.

- I have to fill in for a guy that has the Asian flu.
- That's too bad.

I know.
St. Louis is a drag.

I'm so upset. I don't know
what's the matter with me.

I can't get myself together.
I can't get myself organized.

St. Louis isn't even on
my regular run.

I think it's down
and a little to the right, Howard.

I sure hate to leave Howie like this.

Do you have any idea
when Lois is gonna pick him up?

Lois? Lois.

- Howie's mother.
- Oh. Yes. No.

- Which is it, Howard?
- I don't know.

I called her and she wasn't home,
sol left a message with her answering service.

Oh, boy. I've been so upset lately.

- Could you give me a scotch and water?
- Yeah.

No, wait a minute. I'm flying tonight.
just give me the water.

Where's Howie now?

In my apartment sleeping.

I kept trying to read him a bedtime story,
and he kept falling asleep.

- What's the matter with that kid?
- Here's your water, Howard.

[Exhales Loudly]

Well, that didn't
seem to help at all.

Howard,just try and relax.

Now, the next time you have Howie,
I'm sure everything will go much smoother.

There may not be a next time.

Bob, you're a psychologist.

They say there are a lot of psychological things
in kids' pictures.

Howie drew this tonight, and
I would like your professional opinion.

If you could tell me some of the hidden
meanings, some of the symbolisms.

Tell me what the picture
really means to you.

L-- I think it's cute.

Cute? lfl wanted “cute,“
I would have asked Emily.

Howard, what's wrong with it?
It's a picture of Howie holding your hand.

No. He's holdingjerrys hand
on the way to the bathroom.

And that's me up in the little airplane
flying away from my son.

Howard, this whole thing
is out of proportion.

He drew it in five minutes.
You can't expect it to be perfect.

Bob, you have to admit this thing
goes a lot deeper than cute.

All right, I'll give you
my professional opinion.

Howie is holding
Jerry's hand...

and going to the bathroom because
that's what happened at lunch today.

And you're flying away
on an airplane...

because you're gonna be flying away
on an airplane in a little while.

- Uh-huh.
- The only thing I can't figure out is...

who's the person with the cape
and the big red “S“ on the chest.

Oh, that's his mother.
He thinks the world of her.

Bob, I wonder where Howie is.

[Giggling]

I don't know.
He just disappeared.

Maybe he's under the carpet.

I don't think so. It's wall-to-wall.
He'd have to burrow under it.

Oh. Maybe he's in the coffeepot.

-[Giggling]
- No, he's not in there.

[Giggling Continues]

Bob, I think I'm gonna have to give up.
How about you?

- Yeah, I don't know where he is.
- Here I am.

- Oh, what a surprise.
- You fooled us.

Let's play it again.

Yeah, that'll be
a nice change of pace.

No fair peeking.

Doorbell Buzzes

- How'd he get out there?
- That must be his mother.

- Hello.
- Hi. Are you the Hartleys?

- I'm Emily. This is Bob.
- I'm Lois Borden, Howie's mother.

Oh, hello.
Please, come in.

I'm sorry about all the confusion.
I do appreciate your looking after Howie.

Don't be silly. He's so nice,
you don't even know he's around.

I was noticing that.
Where is he?

- I don't know.
- What?

Oh, no. He's hiding,
but he's very easy to find.

We werejust playing
hide-and-go-seek.

Well, Howie loves that.
He could play it all night.

He has been.

- Why don't I make us some fresh coffee?
- Thank you, if it's no trouble.

- It's no trouble at all. Please, sit down.
- Thanks.

Well, you, uh--
you seem very nice.

Well, uh, I am nice.

No, no, I didn't mean that.
It's just we didn't expect--

Howard had led us to believe--

I know what you mean.
You were expecting the dragon lady.

- How is Howard?
- You see him, don't you?

Well, only to say hello and good-bye,
sort of like our marriage.

It must be rough being married
to someone who's somewhere else.

Well, it's not the ideal marriage
when the wife is sleeping in Chicago...

and the husband
is sleeping in Guam.

Actually, we probably
wouldn't have had Howie...

if it weren't for the great
airline strike of .

But I still think Howard
is basically...

a good person,
and I appreciate him for that.

You know, that's very refreshing
'cause I deal with a lot of divorced couples.

You wouldn't believe
the hatred and animosity.

I mean, they may as well
have stayed married, you know.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
Hi, Lois.

Guess what just happened.
Oh, Lois.

- Hello, Howard.
- Hi, Lois. Did you get my message?

That's why I'm here.
How come you're here?

I mean, aren't you supposed
to be somewhere else?

I don't have to fly
to St. Louis after all.

The guy I was supposed to fill in for doesn't
have the Asian flu. He has the regular flu.

- And they let him fly.
- Come on. Sit down, Howard.

- Well, uh--
- Sit down. I'll help Emily with the coffee.

[Sighs]

- Well--
_ ..

Uh, what's new?

Well, uh, uh,
the deal came through...

on the new house in Evanston.

I'm getting my master's degree
in French.

I'm taking tennis lessons
twice a week.

Oh. And that cute little white sports car
in front of the building, that's mine.

- What's new with you?
- Nothing.

Would you like your coffee now?

- Fine.
- I'll have some coffee too.

Uh, better yet, I'll have the other half
of that scotch and water.

I'll get it.

Uh, where's Howie?

Oh, he's hiding.

You didn't scare him, Bob.
Howie doesn't like to be scared.

No, he's fine.
He's enjoying himself.

Oh, that figures. He always
enjoys himself when I'm not here.

Howard, that's not true.

All he does when he's home is talk about
the great times he has when you're together.

- You don't have to lie to me, Lois.
- I'm not lying, Howard.

I mean, he can't wait
to get away from me.

He likes me about
as much as you do.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
Howie likes you twice as much as I do.

Well, that still isn't very much,
is it, Lois?

Do you-- Do you mind
if I ask a question?

Oh, no, no.
Bob's a psychologist...

and he's had a lot of training in these matters,
and I think we should listen to him.

- Go r/ght ahead Ask anything
- Do you like cream or sugar in your coffee?

Black is fine.

See what I mean?
He's a great psychologist.

He knows when not to get involved.

Howard, I didn't come up here
to argue with you.

Believe me when I tell you
that your son loves and respects you.

- Oh, sure he does.
- Well, he talks about you all the time.

The truth of the matter is, Howard,
that your son looks upon you...

as though you were
kind of a god.

- Really?
- But I straightened him out on that.

- Thanks a lot, Lois.
- Well, you're not, you know.

I know. It's an identity thing
that all sons have with their fathers.

But you wouldn't know about that,
would you, Lois?

I hate to keep butting in--

No. Go ahead.
Tell her, Bob.

We have some great
banana cream pie.

Isn't he smart to stay out of it
like this?

No pie for me. Thanks.

I'll have hers.

Look. Look, Howard.

I know you were a little shortchanged
with Howie this visit...

so how'd you like to keep him
through the weekend?

Really? Are you kidding?

Wow. I'll take him to a basketball game.
He can explain it to me.

Well, it's getting late,
and I have tennis and yoga tomorrow.

And I have Howie tomorrow. I'll walkyou
to your car. I haven't seen it yet.

- How much is it costing me?
- Actually, the payments are quite reasonable.

I got a great trade-in
on your boat and your trailer.

You're not leaving yet, are you?
We barely had a chance to sit and talk.

I really have to go, Emily.
I'm not much of a night person.

Yeah, she's right, you know.
She's not.

She never was. Oh, well,
I guess we better be going.

Listen. We loved
having Howie and all...

but he's not rightfully ours,
so you might wanna take him along.

- I'm sorry. I'll get him. Where is he?
- In the bedroom.

- Excuse me.
- Well, thank you both again.

It was really
a pleasure meeting you.

It's nice to know Howie's in good hands
whichever parent he's with.

- You seem to have a beautiful divorce.
- Well, thank you.

We're trying to make it work.

Bob, did you say Howie is in the bedroom?
Because ifhe is, I can't find him.

- I'm sure he's there.
- But where?

Did you try under
the giggling overcoat?

Is that why
it was giggling? Oh.

Nineteen.

Twenty.

There.

Bob, I'm not saying anything
to you that you wouldn't say to me...

but you ate an awful lot
of banana cream pie tonight.

You're right.

One.

There.

- Emily, is this scale right? - You may have
to adjust it. Howie was playing with it.

For a minute there, I thought I ate
pounds of banana cream pie.

It sure was nice having a little one
around today, wasn't it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

' Emily?
_ Hmm?

I think we've got a problem.

What problem?

Does this belong to you?

[ Mews]