01x02 - Tracy Grammar School, I'll Lick You Yet

[bunniefuu]

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Well, I'm really glad you can come.
{Knocking}

Could you hold on a minute?
Come in!

Major calamity downstairs.
Three kids, two cookies.

Oh. Uh--

Sorry. Well, it should be a lot of fun.

Yeah. Well, I've never
done this before either.

Right. : . You know the address.
I'll be in my room.

Uh-huh. Well, I imagine
it'll only take an hour or so.

What? Oh, sure, you should bring
your handcuffs.

Yeah. Bye.

I don't care to hear about
any part of this conversation.

- Good. Then I won't tell you.
- Well, there is one part.

- What part?
- All of it.

It's no big deal, Margaret.
I'm in charge of career day at school.

That was a policeman.
He's coming to talk to my kids.

And he's gonna bring
his handcuffs.

Well, I've got six careers. All I need
is a couple more, and I'm all set.

Hey, Margaret.

Why don't you come to career day and tell
the kids what it's like to be a housewife?

No. Let them be surprised
like the rest of us were.

You know, I really love it injapan.
They have these bathhouses...

and these little women go running up and down
your back-- really quickly.

Oh. Excuse me.
Uh, we were just, uh--

Hi, honey.
H-Hello, Margaret.

Ah,just leaving. Hey, you know,
for your career clay, why don't you ask--

Oh, Margaret.
That's great.

- H wamfl would you come speak at myschoo/
Wednesday? - Me? You really want me?

It's career day
for my third grade class...

and I've got a doctor,
a lawyer and a policeman.

And I think a navigator on a bigjet
would really be exciting.

Oh, Wednesday. I had planned to spend all day
Wednesday at my brother's wedding.

- Oh,well.
- I'll cancel it.

Great.
I only need one more.

- Uh, when-- when is that, honey?
- Wednesday.

I wonder what I should wear.

Oh, I think the kids would love to see you
in your uniform.

Oh, yeah.
My uniform. Good.

Oh, my uniform has a stain on it,
and my spare one's in for alterations.

- Which-- Which Wednesday is that?
- This Wednesday.

Fm an expert at stains.
What kind of stain?

There's teriyaki sauce, uh, rice, uh,
pineapple sherbert and macadamia nuts.

Is that a stain or a luau?

Uh, both. We were coming back
from Hawaii, and we hit an air pocket.

The whole tray--

Come on. I bet I can
get it out for you.

I asked them times not to feed us
when they go over the Rockies.

- Is that, uh, Wednesday morning or afternoon?
- [ Door Closes]

Morning. Hey, I didn't get to
kiss you when you came in.

I'm sorry, honey.
Dinnefsjust gonna be a little late.

You, uh-- You aren't inviting me
to career day.

Oh, I'd love to, Bob,
but I think psychology...

wouldjust be a little too hard
for eight-year-old kids to understand.

Well, don't you think
I could make it easy for 'em to understand?

I don't think so, Bob.

Emily, uh--

I mean, I'm a--
I'm a trained psychologist.

I mean, I'm sure I could answer any question
they might have about psychology.

Oh, I don't thinkyou know the kind of questions
eight-year-old kids can ask.

Emily, I'm a trained
psychologist.

I'm sure I can answer any question
they might have about psychology.

- Want me to tryyou?
- I would love it.

Okay. Psychology-

- Yeah.
- Why is it spelled so funny?

Shouldn't it start with
an “S“ instead of a “P“?

Uh, why does the “Y“
sound like an “I“?

Why is the “H” silent?

So, what's for dinner?

Well, I-- I have to be honest with you, Walter.
I don't agree with you.

Well, I think what you did at the party
last night was in bad taste...

and-- and I agree with
the hostess for telling you so.

Walter, a lot of your hostility comes from
the fact you can't accept criticism.

Hello?

Hello?

[Knocking]

Bob, can I talk to you?
I've got a problem.

- Sure. Let's-- Let's talk about it.
- Can luse your couch?

- It's that serious?
- No, no. It really isn't. I'm not gonna botheryou.

You'll just say
it's a dumb problem.

No, listen, if it's bothering you,
it's not a dumb problem.

Oh, thank you, Bob.

I can't decide which
coffee machine to order.

This is the coffee
Klatch-O-Matic...

and it gives you extra hot water
for your coffee, tea, soup.

Here'; your Brewmaster.
No plumbing required.

Now, finally,
Coffee-and-Soup-to-You.

I don't want to influence you,
but what do you think?

- You're right.
- What?

It's a dumb problem.

I'm sorry,
but I am going bananas...

trying to figure out which coffee machine
to get for my reception area.

What's wrong with the coffee machine
we have out there now?

It just makes coffee.

Isn't that sort of the-- the goal
of a coffee machine?

- Bob.
- [Knocking]

Hi, Bob.
Hi, Carol.

- Jerry.
- Letjerry decide.

- Letjerry decide what?
- All right. If you had to choose...

- one of these coffee machines, which
would you pick? - Uh, this one.

- Why did you pick that one?
- 'Cause this is where I want to sit down.

All right. Well.
I'll just decide myself.

I don't want to hear any complaints
if I pick one without enough accessories.

Why don't you ask Tupperman,
the urologist?

His patients will be drinking
most of it anyway.

- , what? up, jar/y? - I just wanted to
find out what you're gonna wear Wednesday.

I don't know yet. I usually decide that
Wednesday morning after my shower.

Oh. I mean to career day
at Emily's school.

I think I'll wear my smock.

You gonna wear a suit?

- Oh, I'm-- I'm not going to career day.
- Oh, working, huh? Too bad.

- No. As a matter of fact, I'm free.
- Oh.

Ohh.

Sorry.

There's-- There's nothing
to be sorry about.

Emily only needed
a certain number of people...

and by the time I got home,
she was all booked up.

That's odd because she called me
just this morning. Ooh. Sorry.

Okay.

All right. I'll tell you the real reason
Emily didn't invite me.

She felt that, uh,
psychology was just...

a little too intellectual
for the kids to understand.

Well, you know, she's right.

I mean, psychologyjust isn't
one of your glamourjobs...

like astronaut,
orthodontist.

Jerry, a giant step for mankind is more important
than “Please rinse and spit.“

You'rejust sore
'cause you weren't invited.

I don't understand how the kids are gonna
understand what you do and not what I do.

Don'tjump on me.
jump on your wife. I didn't ask me.

She did. And she must
know what she's doing.

Well, look at it. Here.

Psychologist.

That's a hard word to understand,
and it's a long word.

Two, four, six, eight,
, letters in that word.

Give me that.

Orthodontist.

Six, eight, O,
letters.

Same number
of letters as mine.

Well, I usually tell people that I'm a dentist.
D-E-N-T-I--

I can't believe we're actually sitting here
counting the number of letters in our jobs.

Don't I have a patient
out there or something?

Bob.

What?
Oh, I see her.

- HLjer/y
- Hi, Emily.

- Hi, honey. What brings you here?
- Bob...

I have to talk to you about
something very important.

'*§

- Uh, mind if I leave?
- Not at all.

- Yeah. What is it?
- Bob...

I'm sorry I disappointed you
last night.

Oh, honey, I get headaches like that
myself sometimes.

Oh.

Uh, I meant
the career day thing.

Oh, that.
Oh, that--

[Clears Throat] That was nothing.
I haven't even thought about it since.

Bob, what is
“Psychologist, . Orthodontist, ”?

Oh.

Oh, that was the, uh--
That was the score of the game last night.

Sort ofan intramural--

Yeah. The, uh--
The play-off is Thursday.

Well,you'll get 'em
in the play-off, honey.

Anyway, about
this career day thing.

Uh, I was thinking,
and maybe last night I was too protective...

because it was my thing,
you know.

Maybe I was
too cautious, but--

Well, anyway, I was wrong.

I mean,
I know you'd be great...

and I'd really be proud to have you there,
and I really want you to come.

- Who canceled out?
- The lawyer.

Emily.
I'll be glad to help.

Oh, great!
I-- I gotta run.

- I'll run you to the elevator.
- Oh.

Oh, uh--l think
I'll wear my new gray suit.

I'm sorry. $ a month is too much
for a coffee machine.

No, I don't care. No one would ever
use the doughnut maker.

Honey, I'm really glad that you came by,
and I-- and I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah, it should be
a lot of fun.

- Bye.
- Bye, Dr. Hartley.

- I'm right.
- You're absolutely wrong.

I'll bet you five dollars
you're wrong.

Bob, tell Tupperman the score of
last night's ball game.

- Gee. I forget.
- Uh, Orthodontist, , Psychologist, .

Oh, well.
Get you in the play-offs.

You know, honey, I'm really looking forward
to going back to grammar school.

You know, I haven't been
to a grammar school since--

Wow.

?

They-- They still collect,
uh, tin cans and fat?

I don't know.
That was before my time.

I was penny loafers
and “sh-boom, sh-boom.“

I-- I know your age. You were saddle shoes
and “That Doggie in the Window.“

Would you like to call Howard
and tell him breakfast is ready?

It won't be necessary.
By the time the smell of the bacon...

gets across our room,
under the door and across the hall--

- [Knocking]
- Howard will be here. Hi, Howie.

Mmm. Something smells good.

Want some
orangejuice, Howard?

Uh, if you don't mind, I'd rather not.
I drank an awful lot of it last night.

Uh, I'd like to have some of
whatevefs smelling so good though.

- That would be the bacon.
- No. It's something else.

- Uh, is there mintjelly?
- No. I don't think so.

Uh, what kind of aftershave lotion
are you wearing?

- Old Lime.
- That's it.

I wonder what's
keepingjerry.

Oh, he'll be here. ltjust takes a little longer
for the smell to get across town.

- Well, you ready for the big day, Howard?
- Yeah.

On the way to school, can we stop by
at the airport? I want to pick up a plane.

My trunkis
full of golf clubs, Howard.

No, no. lt'sjust a model, not a real one.
It's a great visual aid.

What do you need with a visual aid?
I mean, you just tell the kids what you're gonna do.

I'm sure none of the rest of us
are gonna bring visual aids.

- [Knocking]
- It's open.

Hi.

What the heck is that?

Oh, this is my model ofTuffy the Tooth.
Got it from my equipment distributor.

Makes a great visual aid.
Don't you think? Hi, Emily.

HLJerry.
I love your tooth.

Hey. Look at the detail on this thing.
It's even got a cavity.

That's not a cavity.
I banged it on the elevator coming up.

Boy, this is really getting exciting.
I mean, here we all are, ready to go.

Whoops. All except me.
Excuse me.

I can't wait to show you the model
of my DC- . I mean, it's really nifty.

It's got little toy people,
and it's got little toy seats.

It's even got teeny tiny
toy little drinks.

Sounds great. What are you bringing
for a visual aid, Bob?

Can we drop the talk about
visual aids?

I don't need a visual aid,
and I'm not bringing a visual aid.

Ah, maybe Bob's right. A model of a couch
with a tiny neurotic on it wouldn't be much fun.

And then the clog jumps up on the truck,
the people thank us...

and we ride back to the station
ringing the bell the whole way.

Now I'm gonna let you take a look
at a real fire ax.

- [All ] Ooh.
- One that's been to a lot of real fires.

Why don't you take a good close look and then
pass it around to your neighbor, okay?

- Oh, uh--
- Don't worry, Mrs. Hartley.

I'm putting the safety shield on
so the boys and girls can't hurt themselves.

Oh. Well, thank you,
Deputy Chief Barnsdale for that wonderful talk.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now, I-- I know it's been a long morning,
boys and girls...

and we're all waiting
for lunch hour...

but we have
one more speaker to go.

He is what is called
a psychologist.

Now, how many of you don't know
what a psychologist is?

Good. Good.

I'm sure we're all anxious
to have him tell us about it...

so please welcome
Dr. Robert Hartley.

How many of you
know yourselves?

I mean,
really know yourselves?

I know a lot of you are gonna say,
“I know myself“...

and you look in the mirror
and say, “That's myself.“

But that's-- thafsjust
the outside of you.

A psychologist is a person
who helps you learn...

not just the outside of you,
but-- but all of you.

Are there any questions
so far?

Yes.

How come this ax has a round end on one side
and a pointy end on the other side?

I think the-- the fireman could probably
answer that better than I could.

Yeah.

I'm glad you asked
that question.

Now, when a house catches on fire,
a lot of times the front door is locked.

So, the only way
the fireman can get in...

is to take the pointy side of that ax
and break the door down.

Now, sometimes the fire's
on the second floor.

In this case--

I'm not saying you're not doing good
up there...

but, uh, maybe you better
borrow my tooth.

Bob, you weren't that bad.

Emily, ever since we left school,
you've been telling me I wasn't that bad.

If I wasn't that bad, why do you keep
thinking of telling me I wasn't that bad?

Well, maybe it was my fault
for putting you on last...

but considering how hungry and tired
those kids were, you weren't that bad.

Emily, ever since
I can remember...

whenever my folks would
take me to a doctor, you know...

for a shot,
like diphtheria or whooping cough...

just before he'd give me the shot,
he'd always say...

“Now, this isn't gonna
hurt that much“...

and then he'd give it to me.

And by the time I'd quit screaming
and yelling and carrying on...

he'd always say,
“Now that wasn't that bad, was it?“

But it was.
Sometimes it was even worse.

So it doesn't help for you to tell me
it wasn't that bad when I know it was that bad.

Even the minister got
a bigger hand than I did.

Oh, no,.

Not until
he took out his guitar...

and everybody started singing
“Michael, Row the Boat Ashore.“

Until then he was
doing just as badly as--

All right, Bob.
If you want to thinkyou did badly...

you go right ahead,
even though nobody else thought so.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

Oh, Bob. I think I know why you were
a flop in class today.

Howard.

No, no.
It's very simple.

Everybody had on a uniform except you.
I think that's where you lost 'em.

Howard, this is my uniform.
This is what I wear to work.

Oh. Well, it must have been
something else.

You know, I think maybe Howard's
onto something with that uniform business...

because your uniform
is a suit...

and that's what Mr. Patterson
the school principal wears but--

No. The kids love him.
It couldn't be that.

[Knocking]

- Come in.
- Oh, you're back.

I can't wait to hear
all about it.

Well, I can't wait
to tell you about it.

Just the highlights because
if I don't get back to the dryer in five minutes...

Arthur's underwear
may go up in flames.

Well, it went over real great.
They loved the model and everything.

There was a girl in class who was planning
to be a doctor when she grew up...

but when I finished my speech,
she changed her mind.

Now she wants to be an airline stewardess.
I feel real good about that.

How did everybody else do?

- Oh, everybody did just great.
- Yeah. Except for Bob.

How fast can we get
that stuff back from the lab?

[Carol ] Would you stand back, everybody?
I need some room here.

- Ah.
- Well, so far so good.

- It's not eating through the cup.
- What's happening here?

Here, Bob. I want you to have
the first cup of coffee...

from our new coffee machine.

What? Too strong?
Too weak?

Too what, Bob?

Not enough... beef.

But it's coffee.

No, it's beef soup.

Good beef soup. Not--

Not great beef soup.

Well, I-- I must have
gotten the envelopes mixed up.

Anybody want a cup of beef soup
with cream and sugar?

Is that a definite no?

- Hey, Bob, I'm surprised to see
you here this afternoon. - Why?

After what happened this morning,
I figured you'd be home licking your wounds.

- It wasn't that bad.
- Bob, I was there.

I saw. I know.
You bombed.

I know.
I know.

You know, I hate to admit this,
but it--

It's starting to bother me.
I mean, was it me?

Sure wasn't me, Bob.

No, but, uh,
was my speech that--

that dull and boring?

I don't really know.
I wasn't paying too much attention to it.

That's another thing.

You didn't set a very good example
by leaving the room right in the middle of my talk.

I had to go to
the little boys' room.

And,you know, it was too, Bob.
Everything was so low.

- I gotta go back.
- Bob, it's not worth a whole trip.

So everything's low.
So what?

No.

I mean to Emily's class.

I mean, I--I let
Emily down. I let--

I let the kids down,
and worst of all, I--

I let myself down.

I mean, I'm gonna go back un--
until I get those kids.

Better hurry up.
They graduate in three years.

As you all know,
we had a math test scheduled for this hour.

- [All Aw.
- Uh-huh.

Well, I am canceling
that math test...

so that Dr. Robert Hartley
can speak to you again.

[All Groan]

Would you all please welcome
Dr. Robert Hartley.

Thank-- Thank you
very much. Uh--

Well, I guess--l guess you all know
what, uh-- what tools are.

And one of the most important tools
a psychologist uses is, uh-- is honesty.

And I'm gonna be
honest with you.

Uh, the reason I'm back here
today is because, uh...

I felt you didn't like me
yesterday.

As a matter of fact,
I-- I didn't like myself yesterday.

But, uh, that- that isn't
gonna happen today because...

guess what I have
in this briefcase.

An ax?

No.

No. I have something
much better than an ax.

- [Alarm Ringing]
- What's that?

Fire drill.

Okay, everybody.
Now, line up single file...

walk out the rear door, continue on
out to the outside, and remember, no talking.

- Emily, how long is this--
- Shh. No talking.

The last one out of the room
closes the door and shuts out the light.

Now, that's really
very interesting.

- You thought it looked like rain
clouds before a storm. - Yeah.

You thought it looked like
the inside of a car motor.

And you thought it looked like
the kitchen table...

after your brother had spilled
black paint on it.

Well, that just is
a good example of, uh--

of how people
think differently.

Uh, this is a game
that psychologists use...

to teach people
to learn about themselves.

- Yes.
- What do you think it looks like?

- This?
- Yep.

Well, of course,
I'm a grown-up. Uh--

To me it looks like
two ducks kissing.

All right. Since the fire drill took up a lot
of our time, are there any other questions?

That's a lot better than
Jerry and his tooth did.

Yes.

How come “psychologist“
is spelled so funny?

Uh, Mrs. Hartley,
you want to answer--

Oh.
[Chuckles]

Thank you, Dr. Hartley.

_ U h__
- [ Bell Rings ]

Class dismissed.

That didn't look like
two ducks kissing to me.

It didn't to me either,
but, you know, we had kids.

You know,
I-- I can't read.

I keep thinking about
what happened today.

You know.
I-- I can't get over it.

I mean, I--I might have
carried that failure with me for...

who knows how long,
you know, but I--

I mean, I took the risk, and-- and I went back
to your school that second time.

I found out
that I could be...

fun and stimulating...

and-- and interesting, you know,
rather than like the first time.

Not a dull boring talk.

Don't you think so, Emily?

- [Snoring]
- Emily?

[ Mews]