03x19 - Monkey Business

[bunniefuu]

-Your Honor.
-Hey. Mac.

A voodoo doll?

Yeah. they're having a big sale
over at Manny's Witchcraft Hut.

You know. these things
are supposed to be quite therapeutic.

-Oh. no.
-Uh-huh.

-Oh. yeah?
-Uh-huh.

-Oh.
-Yeah. If you're having a tough night...

...you just think of somebody
you really hate and you let them have it.

[GRUNTS]

Barry Manilow?

It's okay. honey. it's okay.

Everything's gonna be fine.
Just come with me.

Next case. sir. People v. Jane Doe.

Yo. Do. Heh.

Uh. you can call me Jane.

Come to think of it.
you can call me anything you want.

Ah. a little naughty-talk violation. huh?

Your Honor.
no one knows who this woman is.

Even she doesn't know who she is.

Oh. that's. uh-- What do you call that?
Uh. uh--

-Amnesia. sir?
-That's it.

Uh. my client caught a cab at st Street
and rode around town for three hours.

When she was unable to pay the fare.
the driver decided to press charges.

All I remember is reaching for a book
this morning. and it fell on my head.

Then everything went blank.

I don't remember my name.
I don't remember my address.

Where am I going to sleep tonight?

The little ones get you in the apartment.
this one's for the lobby.

If you need to--

What am I supposed to do?
Throw her out in the streets?

At least she'd have a fighting chance.

Okay. tykes. obviously
the lady needs some professional help.

-Mac?
MAC: I'm way ahead of you. sir.

This is Bellevue, but they're backed up now.
but they'll be here in a couple of hours.

Great. If you wouldn't mind taking a seat.

-Please. uh. use mine.
WOMAN: But--

No. no. no.
I want you to sit on my place.

Yeah. yeah.
things are pretty slow for us tonight.

Oh. no. just-- Just a lot of routine cases.

as*ault. petty larceny....

Some clown tried to climb
the Empire State Building again.

-Hey. Bull?
-Yes. Your Honor?

You collated last month's reports backwards.
You got the first week last and the last first.

-I'll get on that.
-I would appreciate that.

-My mistake.
-No big deal.

So. what the hell's with the chimp?

He's evidence. sir.

And he's not a chimp...

...he's an orangutan.

Oh. oh.

Hey. off the record. I personally thought
they never gave your dad's show a chance.

UDELL: Scum.
SIMMS: Butcher.

UDELL: t*rror1st.
SIMMS: Ghoul.

Uh. I told them to ease the tension
by talking to each other.

As usual. Flo. a boffo job.

My pleasure.

Come on. fella.

Be careful with that. it's real.

-And this is. um...?
-Dr. Walter Udell.

Head of the Animal Research Department
at Charles Dickens University.

Ah. old Chuck U. huh?

[LAUGHING]

-Uh. you were saying. Mr. Prosecutor?
DAN: Yes.

According to eyewitness reports.
Dr. Udell’s lab was destroyed...

...when Miss Sims broke in.
freed all the animals...

...b*rned all the files.
and then disrobed...

...to reveal several animal-liberation slogans
and drawings...

...which she had scrawled
across her body.

I did that to get the attention
of the media.

Look where she put those otters.

What do you think those guys
really do with the animals. Flo?

As far as I know.
if these creatures weren't here...

...human medical technology
wouldn't be near as advanced as it is.

Ask around.

Uh. Your Honor.
protesters are one thing. but this--

This crazy woman destroyed valuable data.
nullifying months of experiments.

We just wanted to reveal to the public
the hideous crimes...

...performed on defenseless creatures
in the name of science.

[BANGS GAVEL]

Come on. settle down. settle down.

I just gaveled down an orangutan. right?

Uh-huh. Bull. would you take our friend here
down to Holding...

...until the Animal Regulation people
can pick him up?

Sure.

Come on. I'll tell you the story
of how Flo came that close...

...to b*ating out Fay Wray for King Kong.

I. uh-- I wound up with a bit part.

That was me getting crushed
by the subway car.

You Honor. it's obvious that my client...

...believed Dr. Udell
was harming the animal.

Well. he was.

And not only the orangutan.
he had everything in there.

Mice. birds. puppies.

Puppies?
You do experiments on puppies?

[BANGS GAVEL]

Miss Sullivan. whatever our feelings...

...our responsibility is the dispassionate
disposition of this case.

You're right. Your Honor.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-Now. where were we?
-I was just about to tell you...

...what he does to bunny rabbits.

Bunny rabbits?!

-It's a laboratory--
-People. people.

[BANGS GAVEL]

-He's gone.
-Who's gone?

The monkey.
He distracted me and ran away.

How the hell did he distract you?

He kept pointing at my feet.

I thought he meant my shoelaces
were untied.

And I fell for it.

Ha. ha. I'd know what my wife is.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I swear. I can't remember
ever meeting someone as fun as you.

Oh.

Of course.
I can't remember what city I'm in either.

Let's pretend we're in Paris...

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
...the city of lovers.

[WOMAN CHUCKLES]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] How about we go
back to my place and do French things?

I'd love to. it's just that...

...well.
I can't remember anything about my life.

I mean. suppose I'm married.
What if I have a husband?

Husband.

A husband?

Wait a minute. if you--

Look. if you had a husband.
you'd have a ring.

I see no ring.
All I see is beautiful fingers.

Two beautiful hands.

Not to mention those wrists.

What a pair.

Oh. Dan.

I think I'm a nun.

What's your point?

Here. monkey. monkey. monkey.

[BULL MIMICS TARZAN YELLING]

[WHISTLING NONCHALANTLY]

Come on. little fella.
Everybody's looking for you.

You're kidding.

Sure. I got a minute.

sh**t.

This is ridiculous.

My lab is losing precious time here.

I've got dozens of experiments
that need my attention.

What kind of experiments. doctor?

For one thing. we're attempting
to determine the long-term effects...

...of saccharine consumption on the larger
mammalian neuro-muscular systems.

Oh. I can understand that. what with more
and more zebras switching to diet cola.

Cancel the search. I found him.

-Oh. Thank heaven.
-Where was he. Bull?

Down the hall. reading the paper.

And nobody noticed him?

God. I love New York.

I did too.

Till I found out you were living here.

-Problem?
-There will be. unless you come up...

...with a reason why you're trying to
bump off that monkey.

-What?
-Bull. what are you talking about?

He's loading him with dr*gs. sir.
lots of them.

Unless I get him away from him.
he'll die.

I thought you were testing
with saccharine?

That broad had no business
telling you anything.

-The files she stole were private property.
-She didn't tell me anything.

Skippy did.

who's Skippy?

The orangutan.

Bull.
Skippy the monkey told you all this?

You've been playing with that
home-lobotomy kit again. haven't you?

I don't believe this.

I'm defending decades
of scientific research...

...to a man who thinks he's Dr. Dolittle.

Bull. tell me where the animal is.

I'd rather eat sandpaper. Your Honor.

Bull. we all understand how you feel.
but you're not being reasonable.

You don't believe he talked to me.
do you. Christine?

Well. no. I--
I'm sure he made some sort of...

...noise.

That's what you all think. isn't it?

"There goes Bull again.
off on one of his ozone expeditions."

None of you can ever give me
a little credit. can you?

I'm telling you. that animal talked to me
and he told me plenty.

"Abba dabba dabba"
means nothing in monkey talk.

Amnesia. ah:

"Short-term loss or impairment of memory
due to external injury...

...and/or emotional trauma."

Hmm. So. what's the treatment?

"Check patient's vital signs."

This could take weeks.

Bull. you know what I think?

I think in your own way. you feel sorry
for him and you wanna help him.

But he belongs to someone else. Bull.

He is someone else's property.

You stole him.

I'm sorry you see it that way. sir.

But a primate's gotta do
what a primate's gotta do.

-Skippy?
-He's very quotable.

Yeah. well.
I'll tell you what I gotta do. Bull.

I gotta order you to produce that animal
in the next minutes.

If you do not do that. then I have no choice
but to find you in contempt of my court.

You will be fined $ ...

...and you will be put in jail until such time
as you choose to comply with my order.

You will lose your job. Bull.

And in all likelihood.
you will never again be allowed to work...

...for the city of New York
for the rest of your natural life.

Fifty dollars?

I think we've been shaving this
a little too close.

Skippy. Where did you get that?

Oh, Dan. Huh?

Listen.

You and I gotta have a talk.

You want the honest truth?

I'm confused.

I mean. Harry's telling me
that it's all cut-and-dry.

I don't give you back. I lose everything.

My job. my reputation. my freedom.

And Harry's a pretty smart guy. right?

But if I do give you back. that doctor's
just gonna take you to the lab again.

And you know what that means.

Right. So. what do you think?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

I don't know.

Aw. maybe they're all right.
Maybe this research is important.

Maybe the loss of a few animal lives will
someday save thousands of human ones.

Then again.
maybe none of them have a pal like you.

Come on.
I know the perfect place to hide you.

What?

We don't have time.

Okay. but just this once.

How much longer does Bull have?

Well. assuming he still keeps time
as we humans do...

...he's got a couple of minutes.

Well. I hope you're satisfied. Dr. Udell.

Bull wouldn't be in this trouble
if you just left Skippy alone to begin with.

Skippy?
Would you listen to yourselves. people?

Mount Baldy has got you referring
to the creature with a name too.

So. what's wrong with that?

He's humanizing it so you'll feel sorry for it.
don't you understand?

He's making him into a pet.

Could you eat a plate of beef
if you know the name of the cow?

-Brisket of Bernice.
-Florence.

-Filet of Elsie.
-Stop it.

Oh. come on. you're just as much
a carnivore as the rest of us.

Well. doctor.
I for one am not too concerned.

I know Mr. Shannon pretty well. and though
he is prone to these emotional seizures...

...I cannot believe
that he's gonna sacrifice his entire career...

...for the sake of one animal.

Hello. I quit.

I believe you predicted
that Mondale landslide too. sir.

-Will you stop bringing that up?
-I'm sorry. sir. but I thought it over...

...and I realized
I didn't have any choice either.

So you can all forget about the monkey.

I hid him someplace where nobody
will ever think to look for him.

ALL:
The roof?

Skippy was right.
I should have rented him a car.

-All right. people. let's go.
BULL: No. please.

I promised him
I would never let him down.

Looks like he took care of that himself.

UDELL: There he is.
-Skip. what are you doing?

I told you to wait by the chimney.

Well. maybe he got edgy
and wanted to swat down a few planes.

[LAUGHS]

UDELL:
Hi. Skip. Come on. boy. Here. Skip.

Run. Skip. Run while there's still time.

-Stay. Skip.
-Run. Skip.

Pull out their tongues
so they shut up. Skip.

He's moving.

Well. Your Honor.
I think this case is closed.

Skip. why did you do it? You were free.

Oh. I understand.

What did he say?

He says he gave himself up for me.

He says he weighed the options and decided
that my career was more important...

...considering the steadily increasing
competition in the urban-job markets...

...in addition to the unpredictable
cost-of-living fluctuations...

...in most free-enterprise
industrial nations.

Of course. I'm paraphrasing.

Your Honor. if our financial seminar is over.
I've got about a thousand hamsters to feed.

Understood. doctor.
We apologize for the inconvenience.

I know it is. Skip.

You know what is?

Tsk. Doesn't anybody
understand plain English?

-I do.
-Come again?

He said something.

I saw it.

We're gonna need vaccinations.
Whatever it is. it's spreading.

Didn't you see what he did?
He picked up a pencil and he broke it.

Then he held--
Then he held his hands up...

...then he hit my table
and then he picked up my doll.

Very good. sir.

Don't you get it?

Break...

...UP...

...hard...

...voodoo.

Break up hard voodoo.

Breaking up is hard to do.

Right.

That's ridiculous.

People. this is a monkey.

Is that what you said?

That is what he was saying.
Breaking up is hard to do.

Big deal. So he's into Neil Sedaka.

Oh. my God. they're right.

Can this be possible?

Could I be that ignorant
and simple-minded?

All right. it was rhetorical.

-Still feel like filling him with dr*gs. doc?
-No. no. of course not.

Obviously.
this creature has abilities that I've ignored.

I'll personally see to it
that he is transferred to a facility...

...where he can be monitored
by linguistic specialists.

What did he say?

A broad every now and then
wouldn't hurt either.

I'll see what I can do.

Bull...

...I owe you more than just an apology.
big guy.

I owe you respect.

You were willing to sacrifice your job
and your future...

...even your freedom...

...all for friendship.

The only reward of virtue is virtue.

The only way to have a friend
is to be one.

-Skippy?
-He wrote it in some banana mush.

Kisses.

[GIBBERS]

They really do make a nice team.

They have so much in common.

Such as?

Tires hanging in their living rooms.

[BULL MAKES KISSING SOUNDS]

[BOTH SLURPING]

-Empty.
-Ha. ha.

Why don't we go back to my place
and continue the slurping?

Sounds good to me.

I will carry you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mary? Mary. how you doing?

MarY....

Oh. my God. that's my name.

-My name is Mary.
-It is?

Mary Korchak.
I live at East st Street.

-You do?
-Ah.

And I work here.

-Uh. in this building?
-In the Records Department.

Oh. I remember everything. Ha. ha.

-And I know you.
-No.

-You're Dan Fielding.
-Yes.

I hate your guts.

Right.

The DA's
holiday costume party in December.

I was the one in the elf suit.

You got me in the mailroom and tried to
wrap us and send us to the North Pole.

Was that you?

Remember when I backhanded you
across the face?

Like it was yesterday.

I swore. if I ever saw you again.
I'd file a lawsuit.

-Oh. I am so happy.
-Oh. me too.

Gee. thanks for everything. Dan.

I'll stop by in the morning
and press charges. Bye.

Bye.

Thanks for the memories.

Hi. Dan. What's up?

“What's up?"

What's up? Nothing's up.
My love life just flew in the sewer...

...while you've been busy
sh**ting the breeze with Bonzo the Furbag.

-Dan. he's sensitive about his appearance.
-Please. would you just go. Leave me alone.

Find some vines to swing on
or something.

Listen. uh. we're gonna have lunch.
Would you watch him while I get our food?

-Do I have a choice?
-No.

Love to. Bull.

Come on. Up you go.

Be a good boy now.

Yeah.
don't eat the silverware or anything.

Why do they all hate me?

Am I stupid? Am I ugly? What am I?

SKIPPY:
A real loser.