06x14 - Paroled to Love/First Impressions/Love Finds Florence Nightingale

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Attention,
ladies and gentlemen.

Our celebrity cruise
to acapulco

is now ready for boarding.

Come on, Julie.

Can't you tell me
any of the stars

that'll be sailing with us?
-No.

Sorry, Vicki.
It's a big secret.

Not even a hint?
Sounds like?

First syllable?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I don't know.

-You don't know?
-No.

See, my friends
Doris and Marsha

have opened a public relations
firm in Hollywood,

and they've arranged
the whole thing.

The only thing I do know

is that they've booked cabins
on this cruise

and promised to fill them up
with really big stars.

-Hi!
-Julie!

Oh, there they are.
Vicki, I'll fill you in later.

-Oh, hooray!
-Marsha, Doris,

have I been
looking for you!

Listen.
I'm so sorry we're late,

but we had last-minute details,
everything, you know.

Julie, we told you we'd
bring you a lot of surprises,

-mm-hmm.
-The biggies, huh?

We didn't let you down,
did we?

Well, I don't know.
I haven't seen anybody.

What do you mean?
You haven't seen anybody yet?

No, I -- I thought
they were coming with you.

Oh, well, now,
don't worry about it.

I'm sure
they're just waiting

to make
a last-minute entrance...

Entrance. Right?

Well, I certainly
hope you're right

'cause captain stubing's
getting very excited

about this cruise,

and I'm very excited
about keeping my job.

Woman: Did you say...

You did tell 'em the right ship,
didn't you?

Well, sure,
the island Princess.

Afternoon, ladies.

Welcome aboard
the pacific Princess.

Oh, no.

Uh, excuse me.
I'm Eddie riggins.

Has a Ms. Gloria Baxter
boarded yet?

Let's see. Baxter...
No, she hasn't.

Strange.

Lawyers are usually
on time.

Well, maybe she got stuck
in traffic or court

or maybe traffic court.

She doesn't handle
petty cases like that.

She's a criminal lawyer.

Well, I hope you're not one
of her clients.

I was.

Eddie!

-Oh, hi!
-Hi!

Ready for Mexico?
-Yeah, I guess so.

But I still feel funny
about this,

you paying for my cruise

after all you've done
for me already.

Oh, Eddie.
Please.

I just want to make sure
that your new life

starts out
on a high note.

Besides, you deserved
to be pardoned.

Well, I wouldn't have been
pardoned if you hadn't

believed in me,
Ms. Baxter.

Uh, our attorney-client
relationship is over, okay?

It's Gloria.

Gloria.

Right up these stairs
to the boat deck.

That'll give you the best sight
in the harbor.

Doc, speaking of sights,

look who's on our celebrity
cruise -- Phyllis Faraday!

Adamo!

Buongiorno!

Phyllis!

Oh, what a surprise!

It's so good to see you.
-Oh, caro mio!

What's with the Italian?

I'm traveling incognito.

Que Bella fegato.

You ought to try
another language.

You just said,
"what a beautiful liver."

Ms. Faraday --

shh, shh, shh.

...you are one
of my favorite performers.

This is gopher Smith,
our assistant purser.

Gopher, you remember,
uh, Connie carruthers,

my ex-mother-in-law?

Well, Phyllis and Connie
are very close friends.

They must've starred in
more Broadway shows together

than you and I
have taken cruises together.

I didn't know you were gonna be
on the celebrity cruise.

Neither did I!

Oh, well, that makes
uno, due and...

Tre.

Grazie.
three.

Then this is just
a pleasure trip?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
adamo.

A mission muito importante.
And only you can help me.

Moi? How?

May I come to your office
right after we sail?

Of course.

Oh, I knew I could count on you.
I just knew it.

Ciao!

Oh, it's just our luck.

You can't make a call
when the ship's in port.

And I checked the brochure,

and the island Princess
is on its way to Alaska.

Oh, Doris.

How could we mess up
this way?

Ooh, I don't know.
Forget it.

It could happen
to anybody.

Let's just go find a rail
and jump off.

Good.

Doris, Marsha, I'd like
you to meet captain stubing.

Captain stubing,
Doris Talbot...

How do you do?
Welcome aboard.

-Marsha stern.
-Hi, how are you?

I can't tell you
how pleased I am

about
this celebrity cruise.

I'm very proud of Julie
for having worked it out.

It's quite a feather in her cap.
-Thank you, sir.

I'd like very much

to officially greet the stars
before we sail.

Uh, look, captain...

Captain, this is very,
very embarrassing.

Yes,
it is very embarrassing.

You see, captain,

all of our stars
are indisposed at the moment.

-All of them?
-Yes.

You see, um,
they're just resting up a bit

so that they can be
at their very best to entertain

all of your passengers.

Yeah.

Well, guess
I'll just have to wait.

Not too long, I hope.

-No.
-No.

Sir.

Are you crazy?

Well, we've got Julie
into this

and we've got
to get her out.

I...

Ahh.

Eh...

Ahh!

Oh, Doris, no.

You are not thinking
what I think you are thinking.

No.
-Do you have a better idea?

Oh, Doris, it's been five years
since we did the act.

And even when we did it,
it wasn't that great.

It's gonna be great now,

or our next appearance
is on the unemployment line.

Ooh.

Next to Julie.

[ Air horn blows ]

Hi!

Wow, you look great.

Oh, thanks.
I bought it for the cruise.

It's a good thing
you didn't wear that

on your weekly visits
to the prison.

I probably
would've jumped right

through the chicken wire
between us.

Well, I'm glad you didn't
because it wasn't chicken wire.

It was glass.
Remember?

No.

I was too busy
looking at you.

I do remember that blue dress
with the puffed sleeves

you wore the first time
you came.

And, uh, a white flannel skirt
with a red angora sweater.

Wow.
You've got some memory.

Well, I try to remember
the pleasant things.

Remember
what I was wearing?

Oh...

♪♪

I'm sure your throat
will feel better in no time.

All right.
We're alone now.

Why all the mystery?

Oh, Adam.

I have the greatest opportunity
of my entire career.

They want me to play the lead
in a Broadway musical

based on the life
of Florence nightingale.

Sounds like a fun show.

But in order to get into
the soul of the character,

i have to know what it's really
like to be a nurse,

to actually experience
the hardships,

the sacrifices,
the suffering,

the pain...
Florence went through.

But what can I do to help?

What indeed, Adam.

Let me be your nurse
on this cruise.

Oh, Phyllis.

Isaac sees more pain
and suffering than I do.

Well, maybe
you'll get lucky this time.

Please, Adam.

Please let me be
your nurse.

It would mean so much
to me. Please.

Well, I -- I don't have
any nurse's uniforms.

Oh.

Oh, silly boy.

Ta-da!

Little something from medical
supplies by halston?

Please, Adam.
I want this part so badly.

Okay.
We'll give it a shot.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, grazie.

What the heck, my malpractice
insurance is all paid up.

Ah, one thing, though.
I don't think

Florence nightingale
wore all those diamonds.

Oh, of course not, Adam.

But Florence nightingale
never played Vegas.

♪♪

Julie, you know, people

are so anxious to see
celebrities on this cruise

that a couple actually thought
I was Reggie Jackson?

No.

Billy Dee Williams?
Robert redford?

-Oh!
-Will you cut that out?

You've been doing that
every minutes.

Why don't you wait
until you see a real celebrity?

Oh!

[ Crowd murmuring ]

[ As Dolly Parton ]
Hi, y'all. Hi!

Dolly Parton!

[ Humming ]

I'm Dolly Parton.

I just wish
my autograph was clear.

But that's as close
as I could get to the book.

Julie,
what do you think, huh?

Oh, Marsha.
I knew you could do miracles,

but I never
expected Dolly Parton.

I've got to meet her.
-Uh, wait a minute, Julie.

We have to talk
about the celebrity

cabaret tomorrow night.
-No...

Let's go someplace nice
and quiet.

There.

That looks
so much more inviting.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes, may I help you?

Oh, the doctor isn't here?

Are you sick?

Please, come in.
Why don't you lie down?

-No, no. I just -- I...
-Are you in terrible pain?

No, I got
a little splinter...

Oh, no. No, that could mean
a terrible infection.

You know,
I'd better look at that.

Just sit down on the table
there, please.

Thank you.
Yes.

-Well, it's just that...
-Oh, no. No. No.

Oh, now I know
what Florence nightingale
went through.

-Well, what have we here?
-Oh.

A splinter case, doctor.

It's really nothing,
I mean, just...

Oh, what does he know,
doctor?

I'll take over, nurse.

Little -gallon braiding
here is, uh...

Oh, that should
come out easily.

Yeah.

Uh...ah.

All set, mister...

Zacchary.
Sam zacchary.

Thank you.
Thank you, doc.

-Oh, you're welcome.
-That's nice.

-Just when I...
-Shall I close him up, doctor?

No, let's take a chance

that it will heal
without stitches.

I hate a doctor
who takes chances.

Hold these.

Thank you.

Um, haven't I seen
you someplace before?

Uh...uh, no.

No, I don't think so.

Well, your face
sure is familiar.

Oh, well,
I just happen to have

one of those
kind of faces.

You know,
the girl next door.

By golly, not next door
to any place I ever lived.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, I didn't know
if you heard,

but my name
is Sam zacchary.

Sam.
What's yours?

Uh, Phyllis.

Oh, I like Phyllis,
Phyllis.

I like Sam, Sam.

I wonder
if I could persuade you

to have dinner
with me this evening.

Uh, no.

No, you see,
they don't like the help

to mingle
with the passengers.

But I might need
some constant care, here.

Okay, dinner it is.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ah...

You ordered wine?

Yeah, well, I figured
it's the least I could do.

And this is
a very special occasion.

Well, Eddie,
that was very nice.

To the greatest woman lawyer
in the world.

No, wait.

Make that to the greatest lawyer
in the world.

Wait.

Better yet, to
the greatest woman in the world.

You should write a book
of toasts.

So, how's the job hunting
coming along?

Mm, not great.

The bank came up
with a million excuses

not to give me
my old job back.

Seems people are wary
of hiring an ex-con,

even though
he was proven innocent.

Well, you'll find something,
I know you will.

Maybe I already have.

You know, Ms. Talbot, we were
kind of hoping you'd bring

some of your, um,
celebrity guests to dinner,

so we could get to meet them.

-Gopher.
-Well, no, he's right, dad.

The only celebrity we've seen
so far is Dolly Parton.

And she didn't stay
very long.

Yeah, I was hoping
to have dinner with Bo Derek.

You know, Ms. Talbot,
they do have a point.

Well, sir, I'm sure someone
will show up soon.

[ Normal voice ] Oh, i'm
willing to make a bet on it.

[ As Bette midler ]
Hi, ho, people.

[ Applause ]

It's Bette midler!

Oh, this is her own
divine Ms. M.

Showered, powdered and painted
into the ravishing beauty

you see before your eyes.

You know, I would've been here
sooner, oh, of course I would.

But I been working
on a sequel to "e.T."

In this one, e.T. And I,
we're sitting on the porch.

And we're smooching like crazy.

And e.T. Says, "what the hell,
I'll call home tomorrow."

Excuse me.

Could you persuade her
to join us?

Bette!
Over here!

Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, no. I can't.

Oh, no. I've got to get out
of this sun suit.

Oh, I see I'm almost
out of it already.

It's my time.
Oh, dear.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

[ Applause ]

Isn't she wonderful?

Well, I reckon I just don't
cotton much to show people.

Oh, really?

Well, I like real people...
Like you.

Like me?

Uh...you're an angel
of mercy.

Mercy?

Mercy, mercy.

[ Slow music plays,
indistinct conversations ]

Well,
it's hard to believe

you haven't danced
in a year.

You're fantastic!
-Hmm.

Maybe I should get a job
as a dance instructor,

spend
the rest of my life

teaching lonely ladies
how to waltz.

Oh, Eddie, please.
Don't worry.

I believe in you.
I really do.

Oh, thanks.

Without your faith in me,
I guess I wouldn't be here.

You know, when you're locked up
in prison for a year,

you have a lot of time
to think.

I used to fantasize
just to keep my sanity.

Well, we all
fantasize sometimes.

I always had
the same fantasy --

finding the perfect lady,

getting married,
raising a family.

Well, you know what they say,

sometimes what you're looking
for is right under your nose.

I'm beginning to think that
calling this a celebrity cruise

was misleading.

What do you mean, sir?

Bette midler,
Dolly Parton...

Those are two big ones.

Bette midler
and Dolly Parton

played peekaboo
with the passengers.

As for
the other celebrities,

their favorite game
seems to be hide-and-seek.

Well, sir,
Doris and Marsha

promised me
that tomorrow morning...

Tomorrow morning,
Ms. McCoy?

What about
the autograph party

you promised the passengers
tonight?

[ Gasps ]
Oh, yes, sir.

I'll get on that
right away.

[ Normal voice ] I can't believe
we are pulling this off.

But it's not gonna work,
Doris.

They're gonna find us out.

Well, maybe they won't.

And we'll just keep doing
what we're doing.

We'll sort of make a brief
appearance here and there.

Just sort of a hit-and-run.

Good evening.

We'd like to remind you

of our gala celebrity autograph
party later tonight

in the purser's lobby.
See you then.

Forget the hitting,
let's start running.

You just said it,
we can't quit now.

We can't do that
to Julie.

Huh?

Now, let's see.

Who can we go as?

We?
I just did Bette midler.

Doris, it is your turn.

Now -- now, just a minute.
We're in this together.

Now, let's dream up
something.

I'm gonna go
change my clothes

and I'll see you
at the party.

Doris!

Who are you going as?

Well, I don't know yet,
but you'll recognize me.

I'll be the only
other celebrity there.

♪♪

[ Slow music plays ]

Isn't it lovely?

It truly is.

You were right.

Better dancing out here
where it ain't crowded.

Oh, I know you cowboys
like the wide-open spaces.

You know, you are
a real good dancer, too.

You really mean that?

Well, for a nurse, I...

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Come here.

Where are we going?

We're gonna go
right over here.

Oh.

Now, back home, I was known
as a kind of a Wheeler-dealer,

a man
who makes quick decisions,

buy a little,
sell a little.

Uh, turns out
mostly right.

Bet you're always right.

No, no.
Not always.

But, uh, I've just made
another quick decision.

I would like very much
for you to be...

My wife.

Wife?

No.
Now, now, no, no.

Now, I understand we haven't
known each other too long,

and I make
the quick decisions.

You take all the time that you
need in the world, dear.

Now, no, no.

I'll be anxiously
awaiting your answer.

Hmm?

Wife?

I'm still working on nurse.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Julie, I still haven't
seen any celebrities.

[ As zsa zsa Gabor ]
Hello, darling.

Oh!

Welcome, Ms. Gabor!

Ah, how are you, darling?

I'm captain stubing.

I didn't say, "who are you?"
I said, "how are you?"

Only a captain,
a man as handsome as you,

should be a general.

[ As zsa zsa Gabor ]
Hello, darlings!

I hope I'm not too late!

-Who is that?
-Oh!

[ Normal voice ]
You be zsa zsa.
I'll be Eva.

[ Normal voice ]
What's the difference?

Eva's the one
leaving early.

[ As Eva ]
Circulate. Circulate!

-[ As zsa zsa ] Darlings!
-Darlings!

♪♪

Fantasizing again?

No, this time,
I was thinking pure fact.

Must be the lawyer in me
rubbing off on you.

Gloria, there's something
I have to tell you,

something very important.

All right, counselor.
State your case.

This is extremely difficult

for me to say.
Uh...

Would it make it
easier for you

if I said
I love you first?

You love me?

I have
for the longest time.

You know, when you would come
to the prison every week

to discuss my case,

I'd say to myself, "Eddie,
you're falling in love."

Yeah, I --
I kept telling myself

i was coming to see you
each week just as a lawyer.

But then,
I began to notice

that I was saving
my prettiest dresses

for the days
that I'd see you.

I noticed, too.

But then,
I thought, "no, Eddie,

thi-- this isn't love.
You're just lonely.

You're just reaching out
for someone who befriended you."

Then you don't love me.

No, of course I do.

You're the only good thing

that ever happened to me.
Look.

I just don't want us
to go on living a lie.

I don't understand.

Gloria,
I did embezzle that money.

I'm guilty.

♪♪

[ As zsa zsa ]
Darling,

you were wonderful
last night.

[ As Eva ] And so
were you, darling.

Sweetheart,
have some coffee, darling.

Thank you, darling.

Now, the only question --

[ normal voice ]
The only question is,

who are we gonna be today?

[ Knock on door ]

Mm, come in.

How could you two do
what you did to me last night?

Do what, Julie?

Don't you mean, "do what,
darlings?"

This whole celebrity cruise
is a fraud.

But the passengers
believed us, Julie.

They did.
-We got away with it, Julie.

It's a long cruise, zsa zsa.

[ As Eva ]
I'm not zsa zsa.

She's zsa zsa.
I'm Eva.

[ As zsa zsa ] Right.

This may be your idea of a joke,

but you see, my job is at stake.

Julie, you got
to believe this.

We honestly had real celebrities
lined up for this cruise.

Oh.
Where are they?

Uh, they're, uh, they're, uh,
on their way to Alaska...

In their summer clothes.

Oh, Julie.
We goofed.

We sent them
to the wrong ship.

Yeah, look, we thought the only
way out was to go back

and do our old nightclub act
and...

-Right.
-...Do the celebrities we knew.

-Right.
-That's ridiculous.

It seemed like the only way
to help you.

Help me?

Well,
you don't know captain stubing.

He'll never forgive me for this.

Yes, but he doesn't have
to know.

We fooled everybody
so far.

No, no, no.

It wouldn't be right
to try to fool the captain.

No, I've got to tell him.

[ Door closes ]

-Morning, nurse.
-Good morning, doctor.

Why so downcast?

I don't believe that's the way
Florence nightingale

would come to work.

Are you all right?

The splinter
asked me to marry him.

Sam zacchary?

Wow, he must be in love.

He hates show people.

He thinks I'm a nurse.

Love really is blind.

Adam, I don't want
to lose him.

What should I do?

Listen
to your friendly doctor.

Tell him the truth.

Where are you going?

To get a second opinion.

♪♪

Doris, I feel awful.

Instead of bailing Julie
out of this mess,

we got her in deeper.

Oh.

We should've
followed my instinct

and jumped over the rail.

Yeah, we should've.

Good morning, ladies.

Morning.
Hi, captain.

I want to congratulate you
both on the appearance

of the Gabor sisters
last night.

It was nothing
short of magical.

Thank you, captain.

I'll tell them
when they wake up.

Oh, captain stubing.

I was looking for you
up on the bridge.

Well, I'm glad
you found me, Ms. McCoy.

I wouldn't want you
to miss this.

It came in with
our daily news bulletin.

"Last night's benefit premiere
at the Hollywood bowl

brought out
a veritable galaxy of stars.

As always, zsa zsa
and Eva Gabor were dazzling."

It also goes on
to mention...

"Dolly Parton and Bette midler
delighted the crowds

with their
good-natured quips."

Sir, may I say something,
please?

Of course.

And you can say it
to the passengers tonight

when you announce that the show
has been canceled, and why.

I will not tolerate
a hoax.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Julie.

Julie, we're really sorry.

In the immortal words
of w.C. Fields...

Yeah?

"All things considered,

I'd rather be
in Philadelphia."

♪♪

May I join you?

No.

I need to talk to you.

You said plenty
last night.

Please leave.

I didn't have
to tell you I was guilty.

You would've married me
and never known the difference.

And what a lovely team
we'd have made --

a gullible woman
and a man who's a liar.

Not about everything,
Gloria.

You know
what really bothers me?

I love you.

And I love the law.

I believe there are a set
of rules that people live by.

And I believe in truth
and honesty,

in love and in the law.

You've destroyed
both of those loves for me.

Gloria...

♪♪

Welcome to beautiful
downtown acapulco,

ladies and gentlemen.

If you like sail fishing,

try the bay
near the San Marcos hotel.

If you like spearfishing, try
the waters just off the reef.

Or, if you like ice fishing,
try another cruise.

Just a little nautical humor
there, folks.

But seriously, acapulco is the
Jewel of the Mexican riviera.

Bien tiempo!
Hasta luego!

Hi, Ms. Baxter.

Gopher just got this telex

confirming your reservations
to fly home from acapulco.

Oh, thanks, Vicki.

I hope
it's nothing serious.

No, not really.

I'm just not having as much fun
as I thought I would.

But last night
I saw you at dinner

and dancing
with Mr. Riggins.

You seemed to be
having a good time.

Did I say something wrong?

No.

Is there anything
I can do?

I wish there were,
Vicki.

But there are some things
in life

you just got to do
for yourself.

Hope I'm not
taking you away

from your regular
duties there.

Oh, no.
No, Dr. Bricker

can manage without me...

-Ah.
-...For a little while.

You know,
you don't seem to be,

you know,
quite your normal self today.

Some-- something
bothering you?

Oh, no, no, no.

What could possibly
be bothering me?

Hmm.

You're upset because I, uh,
asked you to marry me, huh,

Phyllis?

I'm not just plain Phyllis.

I'm Phyllis...

I'm Phyllis Faraday.

Who?

You've never heard
of Phyllis Faraday?

We -- we had a shortstop
on the white sox,

it was...Phil Faraday.

That was his name.

No, that couldn't have
been, no, that couldn't...

I am an actress.

I'm a star.

Well, that sure
changes everything.

Oh! Oh!

And the captain's making me
tell everybody tonight

that the celebrity cabaret
has been canceled.

It's just unbelievable.

Ah, Phyllis, what's wrong?

He never even
heard of me.

Phyllis Faraday!

Oh, thank goodness.

I am so glad someone
knows who I am.

Aw, gee. That getup
almost fooled me.

I -- I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.

Oh, Ms. Faraday,

I'm sure this is the wrong time
to ask you this,

but would you please consider
singing for us tonight?

It would really help me
with the captain.

Julie, Phyllis has problems
of her own.

This may be just the thing
I need.

I'm going
through an identity crisis.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ah, here you go, Mr. Riggins,
a little pick-me-up.

Another pick-me-up,
I'll fall flat on my face.

May I join you?

Sure.

I've been
looking everywhere for you.

Vicki said the last time
she saw you,

you were staring out
at the sea.

Yeah, well,
now I'm staring down into this

and I'm trying to decide
which one to drown in.

I was packing to leave,

but I couldn't go
through with it.

I love you too much
to give you up.

Eddie, I'll marry you.

That's great.

If you'll go back
and admit your guilt.

Oh, Gloria,
I love you, too.

I really do.

But that's just asking
too much of love.

I couldn't stand
going back to prison.

You don't know
what it's like there.

Being locked up
day and night,

the monotony,
the degradation...

It's like a living death.

You grab at any shot
at freedom you can get.

If you're guilty,
there is no freedom, Eddie.

Look, I know I did wrong.

And I will pay back
the money I stole

if I have to work
the rest of my life to do it.

But I am not going back
to prison,

not for you
or anybody else.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight,

our celebrity cruise
continues

in the acapulco lounge

with the lovely
Ms. Phyllis Faraday.

Won't you join us?

[ Indistinct conversations,
soft music plays ]

Uh, good evening,
Mr. Zacchary.

Thanks for agreeing
to see me.

Hey, doc. Yeah,
what can I do for you?

Well, I just want to apologize
to you in person.

Apologize for -- for what?

Well, for allowing Ms. Faraday
to be my nurse on this cruise.

If I hadn't,
you two wouldn't have met

and had all that trouble.

I didn't say a thing
about trouble, I...

Well, I know any man
enjoys the company

of a beautiful woman.

But what good is beauty
without warmth, understanding,

a sense of humor,
compassion?

Well, Phyllis,
she has all those qualities?

Oh? Well,
I don't know her that well.

But you can't get
around the fact

that she's
a professional entertainer.

Hmm.

Yeah, she --
she fooled me.

Oh, me too.

So even if she is beautiful,
warm, understanding,

compassionate
and delightful,

she's still an actress.

And that spoils everything.

Am I really
that big a fool?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Excuse me.

Ms. McCoy, I think it's time
to tell the passengers

that our celebrity cabaret

will be featuring
only one celebrity.

Yes, sir.

But, first,
may I give Ms. Faraday

a proper introduction?
-Of course.

[ Introduction plays ]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to our, uh,
celebrity cabaret.

May I present a performer
that was not originally

scheduled
for tonight's performance,

but she's agreed to sing for us?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the toast of Broadway,
Ms. Phyllis Faraday.

[ Applause ]

♪ Good night, baby ♪

♪ good night,
milkman's on his way ♪

♪ come on along and listen
to the lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ the hip-hooray and ballyhoo ♪

♪ the lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ the rumble
of the subway train ♪

♪ the rattle of the taxis ♪

♪ the daffodils who entertain ♪

♪ at Angelo's and maxie's ♪

♪ when a Broadway baby
says good night ♪

♪ it's early in the morning ♪

♪ Manhattan babies
don't sleep tight ♪

♪ until the dawn ♪

♪ good night, baby ♪

♪ good night,
a milkman's on his way ♪

♪ sleep tight, baby ♪

♪ sleep tight, oh,
let's call it a day ♪

♪ sun is rising in the sky ♪

♪ evening's over ♪

♪ morning's high ♪

♪ listen to the lullaby ♪

♪ of old Broadway ♪

♪ come on along ♪

Now, Ms. McCoy.

Now, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm glad you all enjoyed
the wonderful Phyllis Faraday

because that's all the
entertainment we have tonight.

[ Crowd murmuring ]

See, all the other celebrities
that you've seen on this cruise

have actually been
impersonators.

There are no other celebrities
onboard this ship.

[ As Mae west ] Uh-uh.
That's what you think, honey.

Good evening, everybody.
Good evening, everybody.

A big surprise, a big surprise.

I wanted to join you tonight
and worm around on the cruise.

When I'm good,
I'm very, very good.

But when I'm bad, I'm better.

[ Laughter ]

I even gave up sex once.

It was the longest night
of my life.

All right, folks.

I'm gonna take a little leave
from you.

I'll miss you all.
I'll miss you all.

I want to introduce to you now
this beautiful lady

with a determined profile
and a great voice,

Ms. Barbra Streisand.

[ As Barbra Streisand ]
♪ so long sad times ♪

♪ go ♪

♪ go along bad times ♪

♪ you are now a thing
of the past ♪

♪ happy days are here again ♪

♪ the skies above
are clear again ♪

♪ so let's sing a song
of cheer again ♪

♪ happy nights ♪

♪ happy times ♪

♪ happy days are here again ♪

♪ again ♪

♪ You'll be swell ♪

♪ you'll be great ♪

♪ you can have the world
on a plate ♪

♪ starting here ♪

♪ starting now, honey ♪

♪ everything's coming up roses
for me and for you ♪

Get the phone, Lily.

[ As Lily tomlin ]
One ringy-dingy,
two ringy-dingies

and a gracious hello
from Alexander Graham's

little southern belle.
Oh, Felicia, listen.

I'll have you know I am
a unique combination in a woman.

I'm a sex symbol
and a high school graduate.

[ As liberace ] Oh, Lily.
You were so wonderful.

I've admired you
for years, Lily.

Where's my candelabra?

[ As dinah shore ] Oh,
liberace, you're so wonderful.

Dinah, dinah shore.

-Yes, it is me...
-I've loved you.

I always wanted
to play for you.

Oh, you're just so sweet.

Mm-hmm, nice hands...

You're even sweeter than I am,
and that's hard to be.

Let's just throw a kiss
to the people.

-Mwah!
-Mwah!

[ As prissy ]
Ms. Scarlett!

Ms. Scarlett,
Ms. Scarlett.

I don't know nothing
about birthing

no babies, Ms. Scarlett.

The Yankees is coming,
Ms. Scarlett.

The Yankees is coming.

[ As Ethel thayer ]
All right. All right.

Oh, dear, dear,
so they are, my dear.

Oh, my.
I found my calla lilies.

I love my calla lilies.
Oh...

I made a garden
on golden pond.

[ As Edith bunker ]
Oh, you want to go
on golden pond? Huh?

Yes, but I have to go now.
Bye.

Oh, well, I'm Edith,

and I think
you're terrific.

'Course,
Katharine hepburn

has always been
my favorite and Archie, too.

[ As charo ] Oh.
[ Speaking Spanish ]

Coochie, coochie, coochie,
coochie, coochie, coochie!

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ As Dorothy Gale ]
Coochie, coochie!

Darling, darling,

Ms. Julie --
Ms. Julie is here.

Darling...
-Charo!

-We've got to get home!
-Where do you want to go?

We've got to get home
to Kansas!

[ Speaking Spanish ]

I don't understand
Spanish!

Oh, charo!
We've got to get home.

Oh, auntie em, auntie em.

I've got to get home
to Kansas.

Toto, Toto!

[ As Bette Davis ] Hello.
I'm happy to be here.

My name is Bette Davis.

Won't you join me?

Thank you.

Ah, well.

Take a hike, Turkey.

Right.

Ah, you sound like me.

Do I?

And you look like me.

Do I?

You've got Bette Davis...

Eyes.

And you've got
Bette Davis...

Eyes.

Both: And we've got
Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We've got Bette Davis eyes.

We're now leaving acapulco,
ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you've enjoyed
your evening

as much as I've enjoyed mine.

Hey, did I ever tell you
about the accident

I had down
on my daddy's ranch

when I was just
a little fella?

No.

No, you didn't.
-Yeah, well, one day,

they was breaking this real
high-spirited horse, see?

And I was,
oh, I don't know,

, years along --
along in there.

And I had -- you wouldn't
believe this of me,

but I had
a pet bunny rabbit.

Well, he went hippety-hopping
to that corral,

and I went hippety-hop right
after him.

And that horse
kicked me right in the head.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, yeah.

And for
the next several years,

I did some
of the stupidest things

that you can just imagine.

Now, you would think
after all these years

that a fella like me
would kind of smarten up,

and...well, Phyllis, I --
I believe I've smartened up.

I -- I love you.

Oh, Sam.

I love you, too.

Well...

And it doesn't matter to you
that I'm an actress?

Nope.

And you don't care
that I'm the toast of Broadway

and I could be
called back to Hollywood

and probably win
an academy award?

Nope.

Oh, oh, Sam,
who cares, anyway?

Even if I don't win
an academy award,

I can always go back
to nursing.

Could you kiss it
and make it well?

Oh, Sam.

You win.

I'll marry you
on your terms.

No, I can't let you
do that.

You'd be compromising everything
you believed in,

including your ethics
as a lawyer.

I was a woman
before I was a lawyer.

I can stop being a lawyer,

but I've found out
I can't stop being a woman.

Well, that's too bad
because I'm gonna need both now.

What do you mean?

A woman to love me and
a lawyer to represent me.

Gloria, I'm going back
and confess what I did.

We can't have this hanging over
us for the rest of our lives.

I love you, Gloria.

Oh, Eddie.
I'm so proud of you.

Well, if you can't stop
being a woman,

Hey, doc.

Oh, Phyllis.

You look absolutely radiant.

Oh, thank you, Adam.

Sam and I are going
to tie the knot.

That's great!

We're going to live six months
of the year in New York

and six months in Wyoming.

-Uh-huh.
-Lucky lady.

Oh, I love spending half
of the year out of the country.

Well, I'll tell you,
pretty lady,

we'd better get back
to that ranch because,

according to my calendar,
my prize heifer

is about to give birth.

Oh, and I'm keeping one
of the puppies.

Ta-ta!

Oh, you look like
a happy couple.

We couldn't be happier.

Aren't you glad
you didn't get off in acapulco

and fly home?
-More than you'll ever know.

Eddie and I
are gonna get married.

Yeah, as soon
as we clear up a few details.

That's terrific.
When's the big day?

Well, that depends
on my lawyer.

When do you think,
counselor?

-I'd say a year to months.
-Hmm.

Oh, I get it.

You want a little freedom

before you tie on
the old ball and chain, huh?

[ Both laugh ]

I didn't think
it was that funny.

Well, I never thought I'd be
complimenting someone

for disobeying my orders.

You were terrific.

Well,
thanks for everything.

Besides,
we had a marvelous time.

Oh, in that case,
perhaps we

can persuade you
to sail with us again,

properly advertised,
of course.

Oh, are you kidding?
We'd love to.

Well, until our next trip,

[ as Humphrey bogart ]
Here's looking at you,
sweethearts.