06x12 - Baby Talk/My Friend, the Executrix/Programmed for Love

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪♪

Uh, excuse me.
I'm Mr. Trumbauer.

I'm looking
for the fiesta deck.

If you'd put your
things away,

maybe you'd know where
to find them.

You can take the elevator.
Fiesta's one deck down.

-Thank you.
-Let me give you a hand

with your luggage,
Mr. Trumbauer.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, we can handle it.

We?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't see Mrs. Trumbauer
standing there next to you.

Oh, no,
the name's not trumbauer.

And it's not Mrs.

I'm, uh, Ruth gaylor.

Miss, as in single.

Sorry, I thought I heard
Mr. Trumbauer say, "we."

I did.

I, uh, never travel alone.

Excuse me.
Come along, bix.

Maybe he's
a split personality.

Well he certainly is
a weird personality.

Cute, but weird.

Yeah.

He certainly didn't want
you handling his luggage.

I wonder
what he has in it.

Maybe his psychiatrist.

Steve...which one
do you think she is?

I don't know.

I could ask --
uh, pardon me, miss,

but are you going
to be the mother of our child?

Please don't kid around.
I'm so nervous.

Oh, I am, too.

Connie, if you want to back
out of this thing, it's okay.

Really.

You know it's never
bothered me for a minute

that we can't have children
of our own.

We could still try
to adopt.

This way
you'll be the real father.

That's not important
to me.

But it is to me.

-Connie.
-Hi.

-Hi, doc, you old son of a g*n.
-Hey, Steve.

-Welcome aboard.
-Thanks.

-How have you been?
-You really want to know?

Or would you rather know
about our friend?

Have you seen her?

Did you talk to her?
Is she nice?

Well, as you know
from the screening

and testing done
by the agency,

she's bright, uh,
mentally mature,

physically healthy,
but in person,

I would say she is...

Exceptionally nice.

Come on.
I'll introduce you.

Doc, I can't thank you enough
for telling us

about the surrogate mother
program.

It all sounds so weird,
the --

the idea
of my actually being the father.

It's strictly through the help
of modern science.

He does understand that,
doesn't he?

Don't you worry.

This is the only woman
I ever want.

Uh, yanne?

Connie and Steve Peters,
this is yanne Willis.

-Hi.
-How do you do?

-Hi.
-Hello.

Uh, it's generous of you
to take me on this cruise.

Only makes sense to get
to know each other better.

Look, why doesn't
everybody unpack?

Then you could all sit down
together and talk.

Good idea.

I'll, uh,
see you later.

Okay.

Well, at least
the kid's gonna be good looking.

I don't know.

Sometimes they look
like the father.

Come on.

See you later.
-Bye-bye.

Oh, still waiting
for your aunt Sylvia?

Yes, sir.
You know my aunt Sylvia.

Promptness
isn't her middle name.

It'll be nice
to see her again, though.

I'm sure the cruise
will do her good.

I hope so.

I haven't seen her since
my uncle Elliott passed away.

Well that's, uh, a terrible
thing to have to go through.

Fortunately,
he left her well-off.

Oh, definitely.

Uncle Elliott was one
of the richest men in the world.

Oh, think she'd go
for a sailor?

Captain!

Seriously, Julie,
give your aunt my love,

and tell her I look forward
to seeing her again.

-Thank you, I will.
-Oh.

If you think she'd enjoy it,
put her at my table for dinner.

Oh, I'm sure she would.

Thank you, sir.

Julie: Aunt Sylvia!

Julie!
Oh, Julie!

Aunt Sylvia.

It's so good
to see you.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm so sorry
about uncle Elliott.

Oh, thank you, Julie.

It's been
some months already,

but I am still
in mourning.

That's why
I'm only wearing black fur.

Oh, I'm sure uncle Elliott
would appreciate that.

Where's Betsy? I thought
she was coming with you.

Oh, she'll be here.
She stopped at my lawyer's.

I hate talking to lawyers.
Don't you?

-Mm.
-They're so boring usually.

At least if you talk
to a boring jeweler,

he always gives you
a pretty, little box

with a ribbon on it
to take home.

Well, I see
you still like diamonds.

Well, in a way,
I'm just being loyal to Elliott.

After all, he owned the
world's biggest diamond mine.

I know.

Well that's how he died,
the poor dear.

The mine shaft collapsed,

and he was buried
in his beloved diamond mine.

Oh, what a shame.

Yes, but at least
he died in a nice setting.

Betsy: Sylvia!
Sylvia!

Oh, hello, Julie.

Sylvia, guess what
your lawyer told me.

What?

Elliott appointed me
a trustee of his estate.

Oh, Betsy,
that's wonderful.

I'm so happy for you.

Is it a full-time job?

I knew
this wouldn't be easy.

Sylvia, being a trustee

means you can't spend a cent
without my okay.

Oh.

Well,
I don't need any money.

Well, thank goodness --

I still have oodles
of charge accounts.

[ Air horn blows ]

♪♪

And after we get finished
with the wine cellar,

the captain wants us
to get cracking

on those
inventory lists.

Okay.

Hey, hey!

What is that?

I think
we're being invaded.

Oh, there you are.

There who is?

Hi, my name is bix.

I am a completely
programmed robot.

I operate on a battery
for up to hours.

Hi.
I'm gopher Smith.

You are assistant
purser burle Smith,

born in San Diego
June th, .

How does he know that?

Common knowledge
among robots.

Uh, since bix
was taking the cruise with me,

I programmed him on facts
about the --

about the ship and the crew.

I even programmed him to talk
about everything

I like to talk about.

Ah.

Maybe I could do that
with you.

Uh, bix -- uh, bix
is the perfect companion.

Thank you, Franklin.

You're not so bad yourself.

What?

Sorry,
you're perfect.

[ Laughter ]

And that's how doc
pushed Connie and me

into a blind date
seven years ago.

Another
little match-maker me.

Steve, let's take a stroll
around the deck.

Sure, okay.

Um, we'll see you at dinner.

-Okay.
-See you later, doc.

Bye-bye.

What's this stroll
around the deck business?

I mean, we were just getting
to know each other.

Wrong.

She was getting to know you,
big mouth.

Was I talking
too much again?

No, I just wanted to spend
some time with you alone.

Oh.

You like her?

[ Sighs ]
More each time I see her.

She's bright, attractive,
nice personality.

What more could we want?
Hmm?

Steve and Connie are very much
in love, aren't they?

Ah, as much as any two people
I've ever known.

I, um, feel somehow I need
to explain my position to you.

Since when does doing good need
an explanation?

'Cause I'm also
being paid for it.

A fee for surrogate mothers
is customary.

That's just it --
it sounds so cut and dry.

You see,
um, my mom's long illness

left the family way
in debt.

So naturally,
we could use the money.

But it's much more
than that.

Like?

Oh, like having
five brothers and sisters

and growing up surrounded
by all that love.

It was a treasure
for me.

We're all still very close.

Yeah, learning love early
sure goes a long way.

We were a family.

Everyone should know
what that's like.

Why should Steve
and Connie miss out

on such a beautiful part of life
if I can help them?

Well...

It's easy to see your beauty
isn't just skin deep.

Oh, excuse me.

You were expecting
your opponent to sit here.

Oh, that's okay.
My opponent plays standing up.

Oh.

Well, I'm Ruth gaylor.

I saw you board.

Uh, Franklin trumbauer.
It's a pleasure.

[ Beeping ]

What is that?

Vodka tonic.

You are a robot.

You are a woman.

Oh, miss gaylor,
this is bix.

-Hi.
-I, uh, built him myself.

Okay, bix, let's go on
with the chess game.

I play chess.

Wonderful.

Good luck.

Goodbye, Franklin.

King's castle
to king's castle .

Your move.

I hope you're a better player
than Franklin.

You're not.

One more time, Sylvia.

A trustee is appointed
so you don't squander your money

and spend it
on silly things.

Me, squander?

Good afternoon,
ladies.

Is there anything
I can get you from the bar?

Yeah,
two champagne cocktails,

please, Isaac.
-Okay.

Two champagne cocktails
coming right up.

Hold it, Isaac.

If I'm gonna be trustee
of your estate,

I might as well start
right now.

Buying a champagne cocktail
doesn't sound like much,

I'll admit.

But, Sylvia, it's a symbol
of something much bigger.

One should never spend money
unless it's necessary.

But it is necessary.

I'm thirsty.

You mean you're so thirsty

that you need
a champagne cocktail?

Wouldn't a glass of water
do just as well?

But I like the bubbles.

Then what about a glass
of soda water?

That way you could have
the bubbles you want

and still save money.

Maybe you are right.

A glass of soda water
would be cheaper.

I don't really need
a champagne cocktail.

Sylvia,
I'm proud of you.

Make that one glass
of soda water for Sylvia.

Okay.

And one champagne cocktail
for me.

Well, that lobster
was delicious.

Mm.

It certainly was
wonderful.

Tell me --
how long have you been married?

Five years.

All right, yanne,
let's get down to brass tax.

I want to know
the important things about you.

Who's your favorite
baseball team?

[ Chuckles ]
The Yankees.

[ Scoffs ]
Well, nobody's perfect.

Do you plan
on getting married someday?

Sure.

Then you can have children
of your own.

-Honey.
-Oh, no, that's okay.

Sure, I want a family
of my own,

but I'm not gonna rush
into marriage for it.

And in the meantime,

if I can help a happy marriage
become happier,

well, I feel my time
will be well spent.

You know what?

This girl is
really something special.

Well, yanne,
you ought to be flattered.

He usually only says
that about me...

And our cocker spaniel.

[ Laughter ]

Must be
my droopy ears.

Well, if our baby has ears
as cute as yours,

I'll -- I'll have
no complaints.

Hi.

Oh, hello there.

How did your, uh, chess game
with bix go?

You were gone
by the time I got back.

Well, let's just
say he didn't beat me.

No?

Oh, you must be
an excellent player.

Oh, not really.

I tipped the board over before
he could say, "checkmate."

[ Chuckles ]
Good move.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, no, no, no,
please.

Uh, be my guest.

Thank you.

You, uh --

you look lovely
this evening.

Thank you.

Shall I, uh,
order the wine?

Oh, please.

May I suggest
a ' pe pousse --

not too robust
with a delicate bouquet.

Is he joining us
for dinner?

Yes.

But don't worry.
He doesn't eat that much.

You talk about him
like he's human.

Well, that's ridiculous.

There's absolutely nothing
human about him.

He's -- he's honest.

He's loyal.

He's always there
when I need him.

Do you know any humans
like that?

Well, Sylvia, you look
as lovely as ever tonight.

Oh, thank you,
captain.

Fortunately,
I haven't let Betsy

talk me into wearing
potato sacks yet.

Hey, where is Betsy?

In the cabin working
on a budget for me.

Now, aunt Sylvia,
I'm sure whatever Betsy's doing

is for your own good.
-I'll bet.

She's probably trying
to figure out

how she can make
this my last meal.

Oh, well here she comes.

Remember, aunt Sylvia,

Betsy is your oldest
and dearest friend.

Oldest, anyway.

-Hello, everyone.
-Hello.

Has she been complaining
how I won't let

her go
through her fortune?

I haven't even told
them about the scarf.

I wanted to buy an itsy,
bitsy, little scarf.

And she wouldn't let me.

And it was only $ .

A $ itsy, bitsy scarf
doesn't sound like much

when you're talking
about $ million.

But as your trustee,
I'd like to point out to you

that all you'd have to do is buy
, scarves at $ a piece,

and there's $ million
out the window.

The next time
I go shopping,

I'll try to remember
not to buy , scarves.

Betsy, I just want
to know one thing.

If I can't spend my money,
how is it that you have money

to buy yourself all sorts
of things?

Because as trustee,

I'm being paid money to keep you
from spending your money.

Well,
how can I get some money?

Well, just get a good job,
like I have.

♪♪

[ Slow jazz music playing ]

[ Sighs ]

I haven't danced
this much in years.

[ Chuckles ]

Don't you ever get tired?
-Nope.

Not even when two ladies
are sharing me.

[ Chuckles ]

I think I'm getting
more than my share.

Oh, but I'm not
complaining.

[ Applause ]

Oh, isn't it nice
to be alone, Franklin?

I mean, just the two of us
without bix.

[ Beeping ]

One, two.
Cha, cha, cha.

Five, six.
Cha, cha, cha.

-Oh, hi, Mr. Trumbauer.
-Hi.

Bix is a great dancer.

Well, of course.
Who do you think programmed him?

I'm better at disco.

What do I have to do
to get your attention,

stick a transistor
in my ear?

♪♪

Hey, Connie,
what are you doing out here?

Why aren't you inside
with Steve and yanne?

You know the old story.

Three's a crowd.

What are you
talking about?

He's really crazy
about her.

I'm beginning to feel
like an outsider.

No, you're just imagining
all this.

No, doc.

Call it
woman's intuition.

Call it a sixth sense.

Call it
whatever you want.

But there is a chemistry
between yanne and Steve.

And I know when I'm watching
two people fall for each other.

Oh, you're not making
any sense.

Connie,
Steve loves you.

Didn't you love
all of your ex-wives?

♪♪

Oh, Franklin,
isn't it beautiful out here?

Oh, yes, very.

It's -- it's like being
under a blanket of stars.

You know, this cruise
is probably one

of the best ideas
I ever had.

Me too.

I wonder...

I wonder...

I wonder where bix is.

Franklin, is something
wrong with me?

Gee,
I -- I hope not.

H-How do you feel?

What?

Every time I think you're having
a good time with me or --

or maybe something
could be building between us,

you seem more interested
in him.

I'm sorry, it's --
well, it's -- it's --

it's a long story,
and...

I have time.

Well, I -- I --
I was in love once.

Very much so.

I loved her,
and I trusted her.

But unbeknownst to me,
she was seeing someone else.

So now you distrust
all women?

No, not -- not women.

Just people, I guess.

All my life,
people have let me down.

Oh, Franklin.

If you'd just give me a chance,
I won't let you down.

And besides,
there are some things

I can give you
no robot can.

Well...

You are warmer and --
and softer.

[ Beeping ]

Yes, that was number
on the big parade,

"nuts and bolts lover"
by "a" and the alien.

And now for your listening
pleasure...

Ugh!
You stay up and listen.

I'm going to bed.

Ruth, I...

Oh, women.

What do you make
of them, bix?

[ Beeping, clacking ]

Sorry,
they do not compute.

You wouldn't let me buy
a champagne cocktail.

And then I couldn't buy
an itsy, bitsy scarf.

And just now,
you wouldn't let me buy

a really really,
teeny-tiny bottle of perfume.

I'm sorry, Sylvia.

But obviously, you still
don't know what a trustee is.

Oh, yes, I do.

A trustee is somebody
who grabs your arm

every time
you want to buy something.

Betsy, you are my dear,
sweet friend.

But you are beginning
to be a pain in the --

hello, Isaac!

What'll it be, ladies?
One champagne cocktail?

-No, Isaac.
-No, Isaac.

I want to buy drinks
for everybody.

Great!

Drinks for everybody
at the bar.

Sylvia, you can't.

Wait, Isaac, she is right.

I can't buy drinks
for everybody at the bar.

Make it everybody
in the room.

Fantastic!

Okay!

Sylvia,
do you have any idea

how much drinks for everybody
in this room will cost?

Isaac, make it everybody
on the ship.

You're bananas.

Hello, Sylvia, Betsy.

Oh, and Isaac,
give the captain two drinks

just because
he is the captain.

Thank you,
but I don't drink.

Then give him a hot dog
with everything on it.

And I don't want to ever talk
to you again

for the rest
of my life.

[ Bix beeping ]

Oh, excuse me.

Oh -- oh, hey!
Hey, let me give you a hand.

Thank you.
I appreciate that, gopher.

-Want to sit here?
-Good, good.

Okay.

Have a nice breakfast.

Oh, thank you, gopher.

Oh, gopher, you...

Isn't Connie
joining us for breakfast?

Yeah, she'll be here
in a minute.

I think
something's bothering her.

You think maybe she's having
second thoughts about all this?

No, she was always the one
that was for it.

Do you know, when the fertility
dr*gs didn't work,

and doctor after doctor
couldn't figure out

what the problem was,
I told Connie to forget it.

I told her I didn't care
if we didn't have children.

I didn't know
you felt like that.

Yeah, I did...

Until last night.

Watching your eyes light up when
you talked about your family

made me realize how much
I wanted to have a baby.

I want one more than Connie,
I think.

[ Chuckles ]

Isn't that funny
after all these years?

I don't think
it's funny at all.

I think it's beautiful.

You know, the love in a family
starts with wanting a family.

You and Connie are so lucky
to have each other.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Hello, bix.

Greetings.

I regret that Franklin
is not here.

Oh, I know.

I waited outside
till I saw him leave.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

What are you planning,
doctor?

A bypass?

Well, let's just say
I'm cutting out my competition.

I'm going to snip
your wires

so you can't come
between Franklin and me anymore.

Please,
you can't do that.

It's not human.

Look who's talking.

Don't I get a last wish?

[ Sighs ]

Be good to Franklin.

He needs
tender, loving care.

I can't do it.

Miss gaylor?

-Yes?
-Thank you.

My memory banks
won't forget this.

♪♪

-Hi, Betsy.
-Hi.

How's aunt Sylvia
feeling this morning?

Oh, she's fine.

Or as fine
as anybody can be who's IQ

is the same number
as her dress size.

Why?
What's wrong?

Oh, I -- I just got

a shore-to-ship phone call
from Mr. Townsend.

Sylvia's lawyer?

Does it have anything
to do with all her money?

Not really.

She doesn't have
any money.

[ Laughs ]

Don't do that.

Tell me you're kidding --

ju -- just
to stop my palpitation.

I wish I were kidding.

But townsend told me
Elliott left Sylvia millions!

Well, that's what
he thought then.

But now,
apparently uncle Elliott,

with all of his business mergers
and corporate acquisitions,

over-extended.

There were so many ventures
his lawyers knew nothing about.

Poor Sylvia,
doesn't have anything?

I better go
and tell her.

No, let me.

I mean, I think it
would be better if I told her.

Sylvia and I go back
a long way together.

Of course, she goes back a lot
longer than I do.

Come on.
We'll go and tell her.

We are now docking
in puerto vallarta.

For those of you
who've never been

to puerto vallarta before,
we know you will enjoy it.

And those of you
who have been here before,

you know you'll enjoy it.

Bix, this isn't like you.
I'm sorry.

I -- I -- I don't know
what the problem is.

Uh,
anything the matter?

Yeah, it's bix.

He worries me.
He really worries me.

Well, listen.

Bix, how big is the,
uh, pacific Princess?

Princess grace is -foot-
and weighs pounds.

Oh, I didn't do it.
I swear I didn't do it.

I mean,
what happened to him?

I don't know.

Maybe he just needs
to be recharged.

Well, I hope
that's all he needs.

I have a portable battery pack
in the cabin.

I'll --
I'll give it a try.

-Franklin?
-Yeah?

While bix
is being recharged,

how about coming ashore
with me?

With you?
I...

Well, bix will have
to spend the day in the cabin.

I could get gopher and Isaac
to look in on him.

Sure, why not?

Puerto vallarta it is.

Puerto vallarta,

the pitcher
for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

In his rookie year,
he passed for touchdowns.

I better hurry and go
plug him in.

He's sinking fast.
Come on, bix.

Come on, bix.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Got a minute?

Yeah, I've got
as long as you want.

What's up?

I'm worried
about Connie.

She's been upset
about something all day.

And I've never seen her
like this before.

Well, maybe she's never
been jealous before.

Jealous?

She thinks you're falling
for yanne.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, that's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.

I've never even thought
about another woman.

Well, isn't this a good time
to let Connie in on that?

No,
it's not a good time.

It's a great time.

And you mean to tell me
that Mr. Townsend says

that I have
absolutely no money?

I'm afraid so.

Good.

-Good?
-Sure.

She's glad I'm out of a job.
Aren't you?

No, but now that I'm broke,

maybe I can start buying
a few things,

like a scarf
or a champagne cocktail.

And Betsy,

you and I can be friends again

instead of being a trustee

and a dis-trustee.

We are friends again,
aren't we, Betsy?

[ Chuckles ]

Of course we are.

After all these years, where am
I gonna find another friend

who makes me feel so superior
on any given subject,

any hour of the night
or day?

But Betsy,
I still don't quite understand

my financial condition.

Are we broke, broke?

Or are we just broke?

Well, do you remember
when we were both in our teens,

and we moved to New York

to break into show business
with our song and dance act,

and we were really struggling?
-Yeah.

We had to live
in a fifth-floor walk-up.

Did you really?

Well, we had to hide
from the landlord.

We couldn't pay the rent.

And Sylvia, remember how we had
to eat cold beans from a can?

And sometimes we even had to eat
stale bread crust

we stole from the birds.

Remember those days?
-Yeah.

Well, we can't afford
that anymore.

Oh, Franklin,
I had a wonderful time.

Me too.

That little restaurant
you found was excellent.

And the wine you ordered
was delicious!

And you chose it all by yourself
without you-know-who's help.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

I, uh --
I have to go change.

I'll see you tonight.

Oh, sure.

Honey, come on.
It's all in your imagination.

How can you even think
a thing like that?

It is not all
in my imagination.

I saw you two
kissing at breakfast.

Wait a second.

Are you talking about
that little peck on the cheek?

I don't blame you.

Why shouldn't you
prefer a woman

who can have a child
with you?

Look, yanne
and I were just talking.

And I said something
that made her feel

a little sympathetic
towards me.

And she gave me
a little kiss.

Oh, I'll bet.

And just what
did you say to her

to make her feel
so sympathetic towards you?

-Hi, room for two more?
-Hey, hi.

Well, there's room
for at least one

because one is leaving.

What's the matter
with Connie?

[ Sighs ]

I think this whole business
is stirring up feelings in her

that she hasn't dealt
with before.

What kind of feelings?

Guilt, for one.

I think she feels guilty about
not being able to have children.

But that's
like feeling guilty

because you're left-handed
or you've got red hair.

Still, it's there.

I don't know
what to do about it.

I'll see you later.
-So long, Steve.

Oh, I'm having second thoughts
about all this, doc.

I want the child to be part
of a happy family.

That's the point
of it all.

Well, sometimes happiness
takes a little working at.

Well, what is it?

At first,
they seemed so much in love.

Oh, they are, yanne.

You're gonna
have to talk to her, doc.

Mm.

Maybe you can do
a better job -- you and Steve.

How?

Oh, a little
shock treatment.

You think you can come on
like a drill sergeant?

[ Chuckles ]

After three years
of teaching -year-olds?

I can make general patton
look like a pussycat.

Good, 'cause it's about
to become d-day.

[ Beeping ]

-Hi, everybody.
-Hi.

-How's bix?
-Not so good.

His gin playing
needs a lot of work.

He hasn't said a word
all afternoon.

Really?

Well, he did say
griffle finick gafop,

but I don't think
they count as words.

Maybe he's just
shy around strangers.

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm afraid

there's something
seriously wrong with him.

Bix, turn to me,
please.

I'll take a look inside.

Oh, no.

Somebody's cut most
of the wires.

I wonder who could have done
such an inhuman thing.

That's unbelievable.

You mean Sylvia
is completely wiped out?

Yes, sir.
And I'm worried about her.

She's taking it badly?

No, not at all.
That's why I'm worried.

I think she's still
in a state of shock.

Well, keep an eye on her.
Keep her busy.

Don't give her time
to think about it.

-Okay.
-Do you think she and Betsy

might perform
for our passengers tonight?

Do you think that might help?
-Oh, yes, sir!

Especially if we let them
pass the hat afterwards.

[ Both chuckle ]

We hope you enjoyed your
stay at puerto vallarta,

ladies and gentlemen.

We'll be showing two movies
onboard tonight.

And for those of you who like
your entertainment live,

we have a surprise for you

later tonight
in the acapulco lounge.

Well, hi, Ruth.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's okay.

-Someone cut bix's wires.
-What?

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Luckily I was able
to fix him.

Who would do anything
like that?

I can't imagine.

But I'm glad
he's all right now.

Thank you.

Oh, I bought you
a little present today.

-Me?
-Yes, you.

It's in here someplace.

Wire cutters?

Oh, Ruth, not you?

No, I didn't.
I swear it.

I wanted to,
but I couldn't do it.

I wonder why they call
us the human race.

We're not very human
at all.

Good-bye, Ruth.

Connie?

I wanted to tell you
our arrangement is off.

I'm not surprised.

Oh, you aren't?

Then maybe
you know the reason.

I do.

I don't want any child
of mine

being raised in a marriage
like yours.

What?

You know,
doc said you had

one of the great romances
of all time.

As far as I can see,
it's all a fake.

It is not.

At least, it wasn't until
you came along.

Oh?

And how did I ruin
this great marriage of yours?

You can have a child.

You made him realize
what he was missing.

You don't think he could
figure that out for himself?

What did you do,
put blinders on him every time

he went near a pregnant woman
or a baby?

No, of course not.

Connie,
Steve loves you so much.

He doesn't care
about anything else.

I love him, too.

But I can't have a child.

That's absolutely true.

And do you want to know
why yanne kissed me?

Because I confessed to her
how all of a sudden

I desperately wanted
to have children.

I know you do.

Although this surrogate mother
thing may be all right

for some couples,
it's not right for us.

Why not?

Because there's something
I want even more --

you.

♪♪

[ Jazz music playing ]

Are you okay?

We don't have
to stay for the show.

No, I'm fine.
I --

I just have butterflies
in my stomach.

I guess knowing you love me
still excites me.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Applause ]

I can't wait for the show
to start.

I'm surprised
you got Sylvia and Betsy

to agree to sing, merrill.

I'm surprised you got them
to agree on anything.

Well, let's not forget tonight.

This may be the only time

we'll ever hear them
in perfect Harmony.

Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have a very special

treat for you --
two ladies who have been

featured in many Broadway shows
have agreed

to do a number
from their old act for us.

And I'm proud to say that one
of them is my aunt Sylvia.

So here they are.

"B" and "b" --
banning and boucher.

[ Applause ]

[ Upbeat music plays ]

♪ We were born
to play the two-a-day ♪

♪ the hope, the corn,
the empty matinee ♪

♪ and so we know ♪

♪ that vaudeville's
just asleep ♪

♪ and so we got to keep on ♪

♪ dancing till we rake it up ♪

♪ and dig it up
and wake it up ♪

♪ we get no thrill
from this atomic age ♪

♪ our home is still
upon the palace stage ♪

♪ well, life's a song ♪

♪ as long as we can say ♪

♪ we belong to the wonderful
world of the two-a-day ♪

♪ where we were born ♪

♪ only excited
and only impressed ♪

♪ by a corny routine
and a checkerboard vest ♪

♪ to play the two-a-day ♪

♪ vaudeville thrills ♪

♪ the hook ♪

♪ yes, how could we ever
begin to explain ♪

♪ the corn ♪

♪ why a shuffle is done
with a hat and a cane ♪

♪ the empty matinee ♪

♪ really kills us ♪

♪ and so we know ♪

♪ that vaudeville's
just asleep ♪

♪ and so we got to keep on ♪

♪ dancing till we rake it up ♪

♪ and break two, three, four ♪

♪♪

♪ And life's a song ♪

♪ as long as we can say ♪

♪ we belong to the wonderful
world of the two-a-day ♪

♪ where we can
tell our joke ♪

♪ sing our song ♪

♪ show the folks
that we belong ♪

♪ to the wonderful world
of the two-a-day ♪

[ Applause ]

Bravo!
Bravo!

Oh, bix, I must apologize
for miss gaylor.

But that just shows you
how vicious humans can be.

Correction, Franklin.

Miss gaylor
did not cut my wires.

I did.

You?

Why?

I thought you'd pack me up
and fix me when we got home.

I don't understand.

Get with it, Franklin.

With me
out of the way,

I thought you'd spend your time
with miss gaylor

and find out
how much she loves you.

Miss gaylor loves me?

Oh, my aching solenoids.
Yes!

And you love her.

You mean I have
to program the programmer?

Here she comes now.

Bix: Don't blow it,
Franklin.

If you do,
I'm going to cut your wires.

Ruth, just a minute,
please, I...

What is it?

Bix says
that I'm in love with you.

Oh, well,
I don't care what bix says.

-What do you say?
-Well, he must be right.

I mean, after all,
I programmed him.

Oh, Franklin.

[ Beeping ]

I think the three of us are
going to be very happy together.

Well,
what are we gonna do?

We've got
to earn a living.

Maybe we could go back
into show business.

We've got
to do something soon.

We don't have a cent!

That's not quite true.

I may not have any money,
but I've still got this.

Of course.
I forgot all about that.

When Elliott gave it
to me,

he told me
it was worth a fortune.

Oh,
isn't that gorgeous?

I have never seen
so many diamonds.

You could put bulbs in that
and use it for a chandelier.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm glad you have it.

You're lucky.

You mean we are lucky.

It's ours to share.

Oh, Sylvia!

Absolutely not.

Elliott gave that to you.

To us.

Oh, no way.

Uh-uh.
No, no.

It's yours
and yours alone.

Betsy, after all our arguments
over money,

if this necklace
came between us,

I would just hurl it
into the sea!

-Oh, don't!
-Oh, well of course

I'm not gonna hurl it
into the sea.

I'm not stupid.

This is our meal ticket.

I was
just making a point.

I mean, when I went like this,
I never...

Well, we've still got
our friendship.

Sure.

For whatever that's worth.

♪♪

Steve, what happened?

What's wrong with Connie?

I don't know.

Last night,
she wasn't feeling well.

And -- and this morning,
she's feeling faint.

[ Sighs ]

How is she?

Well, it looks like she's
got a little something.

-What?
-I don't know.

Won't be able to tell
for about, um, months.

You mean she's pregnant?

Near as I can tell.

Ah!
Wonderful!

Oh, I'm so happy!

-Oh, so sorry.
-Go right ahead.

Honey, you did it.

Well, I can't take
all the credit, dad.

I don't know
where bix could be.

I mean,
he knows exactly what time

we're departing.
-Don't worry.

The worst thing that could
happen is we'll find him later

and mail him to you.

Please!

You're talking
about our child.

Good news,
coming from right behind you.

Well, I found bix,
but I think he was mad at me

for taking him
away from what he was doing.

Why?
What was he doing?

Trying to make a date
with the water cooler.

I thought we'd make
it a double wedding.

Oh, boy!

Oh, so long, doc.

Steve.

Connie.

Yanne.

Well,
thanks for everything.

Well, I can't quite take
responsibility for everything.

I never thought it'd feel
so great not to be needed.

Oh, we still need you.

We'd like to name the baby
after you, yanne.

Oh, thanks.
I'd love it.

Well, we're lucky, yanne --
you have one of those names

that works on a girl
or a boy.

Or twins.

[ Laughter ]

Bye-bye.

Oh, aunt Sylvia, Betsy.

It's been so nice
having you here again.

Julie, thank you.

You are
my favorite relative.

If you don't mind
my asking,

what are you two
going to do now?

Well, I suppose
what we've always

done
in a crisis situation.

We'll sit down together
and figure it out.

And then we'll do
whatever doesn't work.

Not me.
I've already earned some money.

Oh?
How?

I sold my fur coat.

In fact,
I sold the whole set.

♪♪

♪♪