06x04 - The Same Wavelength/Winning Isn't Everything/A Honeymoon for Horace

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music]

Love.

Exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love.

Life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat soon will
be making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

Hello, gopher.

Hi, Isaac.

Hi.

Hi!

[Laughs] You don't
know who I am, do you?

Frankly, no.

Are we supposed to?

Well, not really.

But you see, i'm
supposed to because i'm

the one who reads minds.

Oh, you're Tess
mckeon, the mind reader!

Well, yeah.

Julie told us that she hired
you to perform on this cruise.

Remember Julie told us that?

I don't know if I do or not.

You're a mind reader.

Do I remember?

Of course you do.

Of course I do.

Ah.

You want to guess
what cabin you're in?

Would you like
to guess how many

times I've been asked to
guess what cabin or hotel room

I'm in?

[Chuckles]

Uh, well, you're in
cabin , aloha deck.

Thanks, Isaac.

Actually, that's what I
would have guessed anyway.

Um, this way.

Right.

Yes.

Guess what i'm
thinking about right now?

Nothing.

No fair.

You peeked.

Here you are, Mr. Borden.

You're on the fiesta deck,
right up those stairs.

Cabin .

I hope you enjoy your cruise.

I'm going to do my best.

So will we.

Well then, I can't miss.

Yes.

I am on board alone.

No, i-- I can't meet you later
for a drink, because you see,

I don't drink.

Yeah.

I do think you're kind of cute.

Nice talking to you.

Merrill!

You old son of a g*n!

Jack Bronson!

Hey!

It's good to see you.

How's Betty?

Oh, well, we're divorced now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, anyway, the
uh, the guy here,

under the expensive earmuffs,
that's my son, chip.

I guess I spoil him a little
bit, but since the divorce,

I don't get to see as much
of him as I'd really like.

Hold on one minute.

Chip.

Hi.

Welcome aboard, chip.

I bet you'd like to meet
someone your own age.

My daughter.

Vicki!

Oh, a girl, huh?

Well, she looks like
a nice kid, anyway.

That's a fantastic stereo.

Oh, thanks.

Any time you want to
borrow it, just ask.

Thanks.

If I have headphones
on, you better ask loud.

You too, captain.

I have some really
terrific tapes.

Thanks, but rock music
isn't exactly my thing.

My dad still thinks fleetwood
Mac is a hamburger chain.

I never thought fleetwood
Mac was a hamburger chain.

I thought it was a Cadillac.

Vicki, maybe chip would like
to play backgammon with you.

Try out your new board.

Oh, you name the
game, chip plays it.

He's a winner at everything.

Dad.

Well, the one thing
he's not good at

is bragging about himself.

Champ, what do you say you
and I go get settled, huh?

Bye-bye.

Could you tell me where
we check in, please?

You're here.

This is it.

Welcome aboard.

I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.

And this is Dr. Bricker,
our ship's doctor.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Thank you.

It's nice to know you.

We're the bascoms.

I'm twinkie, and she's--

no, no.

She-- oh.

I'm Horace, and she's twinkie.

Yes.

He's very excited
about the trip.

He gets a little confused.

Well, you won't
be disappointed.

You're going to
have a lot of fun.

I hope so.

So do I. If you don't,
we're going to have

to change all the brochures.

Tell me, do you have
a curfew on this boat?

Oh, no.

We're open hours.

Oh well, that's
great, honey, because I

really rock around the clock.

Well, that must be why we
put you on the fiesta deck,

cabin .

Horace, did you hear that?

Fiesta!

Come on, let's go.

Ol , you all!

Twinkie doesn't
want anybody to notice

that we are on our honeymoon.

We just got married
this morning.

Well, congratulations.

You're going to have
a wonderful marriage.

I can tell.

It's not the marriage
I'm worried about,

it's the honeymoon.

He's just the
opposite from me.

I used to love the honeymoon
and hate the marriage.

[Ship's horn]

Ah, here you go.

Thanks, Isaac.

You're welcome.

But you already know
that, don't you?

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

I thought you didn't drink.

Lemonade.

Ah!

In that case, I'll join you.

I just hate being molested
by drunken, gorgeous women.

Not so hot, eh?

- Hm-mm.
- No.

Hey.

I finally figured
out how you gave me

all those answers
when we boarded,

and I hadn't even asked
you any questions.

You did, huh?

Yeah.

You're a mind reader.

Now, how did you
ever figure that out?

Julie told me.

See, I'm not a mind reader,
so I have to ask questions.

Hello Mr. Bascom.

Where's your bride?

Hello, Julie.

She's shopping.

She said she was
getting some surprises.

Oh.

Oh, here she is.

Hi, Mrs. Bascom.

Hi.

I just hit the gift shop.

What did you get?

Well, I got night of passion.

Oh.

You like it?

Oh.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Yeah, but it's not
supposed to be nice.

It's supposed to be naughty.

[Laughs]

Horace, tell me
something, will you?

Is this me, or is this me?

Twinkie!

Oh, it's you.

Definitely you.

Twinkie, people are looking!

Well, I hope so.

If they didn't look,
I'd take it back!

Come on!

Let's go.

Where are we going?

You know me.

When I get something new, I
want try it on right away.

See you, Julie.

Mhm.

[Laughs]

Oh, did I tell you about
chip winning the tennis

championship at his school?

Five times.

No, three.

I know he won it
three times, but you

told me about it five times.

Oh.

Sorry about that.

Just that I'm so
damn proud of my son.

I only wish I could
see him more often.

What's the problem?

Well, there's no problem,
it's just a fact of life.

See, after Betty and I split,
she and chip moved back east,

and I'm lucky now to see
him two, three times a year.

Mm, must be rough.

Well, hi, you two!

Hi.

How bad are you losing?

Well, actually, Mr. Bronson,
I just beat him four in a row.

Really?

Well, good for you.

But of course, we all
know that backgammon

is just a matter of luck.

Vicki, if you really
want to test your skill,

you should play chip
in a game of ping-pong.

Oh, come on, dad.

Well, why not?

Now ping-pong, that's
a game that separates

the men from the boys.

Or should I say
men from the girls?

Jack, I think I should warn
you that Vicki beat me two out

of three last time we played.

Really?

Well, that's no small
achievement, I'm sure.

But merrill, remember that
chip is a city champion.

Get a load of those trophies.

Very impressive.

Now, Vicki, I'll
make it easy on you.

You don't have to win.

You just get six
points off of him,

and I will buy you a stereo
cassette headphones like chip

has.

Just six points?

Don't get your hopes up.

It's going to be tough to take
six points away from someone

who can play that well.

Yeah, Vicki, if you
don't really want to--

are you kidding?

To win that stereo, i'd
arm wrestle with king Kong!

Oh!

[Laughs]

Then tell me, what
am I thinking now?

[Gasps] No, I
don't wear pajamas.

How do you do that?
No.

Come on, really.

What's the trick?

It isn't a trick.

It's a gift.

Come on.

Come on.

I won't tell anybody.

You promise?

I promise.

How do you do it?

Ok.

First thing you have to do
is put a lot of lemonade

on your nose.

Ok.

Ok.

[Laughs] How about having
dinner with me tonight?

My nose loves mashed potatoes.

It's a date.

Great.

Hey.

How's the honeymoon coming?

I snuck out while twinkie
was in the bathroom primping.

Came out here to get
a little courage.

Lucky for me, twinkie
needs a lot of primping.

[Laughs] Don't
you think you should

be getting back to the cabin?

Twinkie says
that at our age, we

can't risk waiting until dark.

She doesn't want you to
know just how eager she is.

You should be flattered.

I'm-- I'm just nervous.

It's the bride that's
supposed to be nervous.

I know, but do you
know how long it's been

since I really kissed a woman?
- Well, don't worry.

Kissing is something
you don't forget.

It's like driving a car.

But Julie, my lips have been
up on blocks for years.

I don't even know if
my pucker still works.

I-- see?

My pucker's pooped.

I should never have
gotten married.

I'm-- I'm too old for this.

No you're not.

Come here.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Thank you!

Thank you!

You feel better?

Oh boy, do I!

Ha!

I'll take it from here!

Look out, twinkie!

Here I come!

The most important thing
about ping-pong is that

everything is in the wrist.

You grip the paddle
loosely, and then

just lay it low, like this.

Just like this.

Gopher, this isn't swan lake.

Listen carefully.

Grip the paddle firmly, and
hit the ball fast and sharp.

No!

She's not swatting flies, here.

You're going to make
her tense up like that!

You're going to make
her fall asleep like that!

What you're both
making me nervous.

Will you two lay off?

This is just a game.

- Thanks, dad.
- Ok.

Why don't we hit a few?

All right.

Wait a minute, honey.

I think if you held the handle--

oh.

Ok, everybody.

The father of the champ
is taking any and all--

[thump]

Oh, chip!

Are you ok?

Yeah.

I hurt my wrist, though.

That doesn't look too bad.

Maybe we can put some ice on it.

I guess this means
the match is off.

Not on your life.

Chip won't let a little pain
keep him from beating Vicki.

Regardless, I'd like to take
a look at it in my office.

Come on, chip.

Jack, he can't play.

He's hurt.

Oh, don't worry
about him, merrill.

He'll play.

He's not a little girl.

[Laughter]

Ok.

Now, I bet you $
that you cannot

read my mind and tell
me what I've decided

to order for dinner.

- No, I can't.
- There, you see?

I knew it.

It's a trick.

If it were a trick,
I could tell you.

But just if there's
something that you really

don't want me to know,
there's no possible way

I can find out about it.

Ok.

I really want you to know.

Open mind.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Promise.

Ok.

Shrimp cocktail.

Roquefort dressing
on your salad.

Rare roast beef.

Mm, apple pie a la mode.

And coffee without cream.

[Laughs] It's better
for you that way anyway.

Tess, if this is a trick,
it's a very impressive trick.

Well, Mike.

Sometimes I wish
it were a trick.

Sometimes I receive messages
from people that I really

don't want to know about.

Mm.

Sometimes people I
shouldn't know about.

[Laughs]

When did you first discover
that you had these powers?

Every time I knew what
my Christmas presents

were before I opened them.

- No.
- Yeah.

That's so sad.

Isn't it?
[Laughs]

[Laughs]

I used to lie so my parents
would think I was surprised.

I think I better be very
careful with my thoughts

when I'm around you.

You are being very
careful, aren't you?

I am receiving something
from you that's

very important to
you, but it's not

coming through very clearly.

Good.

Oh yeah?

Mhm.

Because in romance, mystery
is a very important spice.

Mm.

But I will give you a clue
as to what I'm thinking.

Well, I was wondering what
color pajamas you would wear

if, in fact, you
did wear pajamas,

which thank goodness you don't,
which is my favorite color.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Bascom.

Where's Mrs. Bascom?

She's fussing with her hair.

She'll be along.

Well?

The honeymoon is
going just fine, Julie.

I can't thank you enough for
helping me this afternoon.

Oh, I didn't do anything.

You deserve all the credit.

Yes you did.

I was on the launching pad, but
your kiss put me into orbit.

Oh, any time, Mr. Bascom.

Any time.

Any time for what, Horace?

Oh.

Julie was just saying that
you'd be along any time,

and she's right.

And here you are.

Well, well.

Julie's quite a girl.

I'll say she is.

There you go, chip.

Nice, bite-sized pieces.

Thanks, Vicki.

I'm not used to
feeling so helpless.

No, it's usually his
opponents that are helpless.

[Laughs]

How's the boy's wrist, Adam?

It's funny, merrill.

I couldn't find
anything wrong with it,

but he asked me to put
it in a sling anyway.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Sorry I'm late.

I just-- I got one of
these rubik's cubes,

and it's driving me nuts.

No way I'm going to be able
to get one color on each side.

Sure you can.

Just get yourself a paintbrush.

Actually, once you
know how it works,

it's not really all that hard.

May I?

Sure.

Looks like your wrist
is a lot better, chip.

How does it feel?

Well, ok, I guess.

Yeah.

It feels much better.

Well, that's great, son.

Then you and Vicki can
have your match tonight.

Oh, I'm game if you are.

Well, sure, sure.

But look, Vicki,
why don't we play

alone with no one watching?

That way you don't
feel so much pressure.

What a sport.

Already thinking about
the loser's feelings.

Chip's father insisted
on all new paddles

and balls for this match.

He said he didn't want Vicki
to have any kind of excuse.

Oh, what a sweet guy.

Think she has a
chance of winning?

You think you have a
chance to be appointed pope?

Well, listen, she
doesn't have to beat chip.

All she's got to do
is score six points.

Mhm.

You think she can do that?

Think you could be
elected president?

[Music playing]

Excuse me--

no, I didn't buy this dress.

I had it made by a dress maker.

If you like it, I'll give
you her number later.

You can call her, ok?

Well, thank you.

[Laughs] I can't help myself.

Could we get back to
reading my mind, please?

What about your mind?

How come you haven't
slapped my face?

What do you mean?

Well, I thought
you could read minds.

If so, I'm surprised you
haven't slapped my face.

Well, I can.

But I do have a
mind of my own, too.

Oh, yeah.

It's a beautiful mind.

I especially like the body
you carry it around in.

You smooth talker.

Why aren't you dancing?

I thought you'd never ask.

Oh.

Do you mind?

Oh no.

She's already worn me out.

Oh, he's just sprinter.

I'm built for distance.

Hey, cheer up.

He'll bring her back.

In the meantime, why
don't you dance with me?

Would you settle for
a walk on the deck?

I've got to talk to you.

I've got a problem.

Sure.

I hope you dig
women's liberation.

Why?

Because I like to lead.

[Ping-pong ball bouncing]

I won three.

That's game.

I guess your wrist must
still hurt a lot, huh?

My wrist is fine.

You won, that's all.

Chip, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way,

but if you're a city champion,
you must live in a ghost town.

[Sighs] I might
as well tell you.

I'm not athletic at all.

You're looking at the
original -pound weakling.

Well, but your father--

I made it all up.

They trophy, the
championship, everything.

I just wanted him
to be proud of me.

Well, what-- what about all
those pictures he has of you?

Oh, that was easy.

I had a friend take them
in the school trophy room.

Sounds kind of
awful, doesn't it?

Yeah.

And no.

I guess I sort of understand.

How long can you keep this up?

After tonight,
not much longer.

Boy is he going to be
disappointed when he finds out

what a loser he has for a son.

Ah, there you are.

Well, I see that you are
still smiling, Vicki.

You are a good loser.

Don't feel bad, Vicki,
you'll get him next time.

Don't worry, honey,
I love you win or lose.

Well, at least
she's still standing.

[Chuckles]

Dad--

come on now, don't be modest.

What was the score?

Dad, the score was to .

Yep.

Boy, he sure knocked
my socks off.

Congratulations, champ.

So what's the problem?

I-- I thought the
honeymoon was going fine.

Too fine.

Twinkie wants an encore.

Where's the trouble?

She wants the encore now.

I'm was thinking of--
of an encore maybe

Valentine's day or th of July.

You're just being negative.

You know you can do it.

You've already proven once.

Yeah, just once.

Only after you kissed me.

Well, would it help
if I kissed you again?

Would you?

Please?

It just does something for me.

All right.

Come here.

[Kiss]

Oh boy!

Mm.

Mm.
Mm.

Mm.

Mr. Bascom!

Oh boy.

[Kissing]

No!

Mr. Bascom!

You can call me Horace.

[Sighs]

What a beautiful night.

Yeah.

And what a beautiful girl.

You know, I didn't come on this
cruise to do anything but think

and try to figure my life out.

- I know.
- What do you mean you know?

How do you know that?

Oh, that's right.

You know everything.

[Chuckles]

You know that I'm beginning
to fall very much in love

with you.

Yes.

That's coming
through very clearly.

It's good.

[Laughs] What?

What do you mean what?

I didn't say anything.

But you're thinking something.

I'm getting something from you.

It's coming through very strong.

Sure I was.

I was thinking about how i'm
falling in love with you.

No.

I can't quite make who it's
about, but it's not about me.

Of course it's about you.

Look, will you
save the silly mind

reading for your nightclub act?

I'm sorry, Mike.

I-- I can't help it.

Yes, you can help it.

I think you just
don't want to help--

I think we better call
this whole thing off.

You know, I don't
know what I was

thinking about falling in love
with a gypsy fortune teller.

Good night.

You know, Vicki, I admire you.

It took real guts to play chip.

I mean, you knew
you'd get clobbered.

Well, I must admit,
I've never faced anyone

with chip's ability before.

Chip!

Congratulations on
your win last night.

Oh, no big deal.

Oh, you're being modest.

From what your father says,
you're olympic material.

Well, I don't
know how great i'd

play if I had real competition.

Well, I just had a
bad day, that's all.

Oh, well remember, Vicki.

It's not whether
you win or lose,

it's how you place the blame.

[Laughs]

You don't have to make
excuses for losing, Vicki.

You're only a girl.

[Laughs]

Would you excuse me, please?

Oh.

Well, where are you going?

Oh, I thought I'd just go
knit a few dozen pot holders.

You know, girl stuff.

Hey, miss mckeon.

Where's Mr. Gordon this morning?

Hi, Isaac.

I'm afraid I'm not going to
see Mr. Gordon this morning,

or any other morning on
this cruise for that matter.

Oh.

Yeah, I didn't
tell you, but I do

a little mind reading myself.

You do?

Sure.

And right now, I'm getting the
thought that you want pancakes

and ham for breakfast, right?

Pancakes and bacon.

Oh.

So I read half your mind.

Pancakes and bacon
coming right up.

Ok.

Hi.

Hi.

I've been looking
all over for you.

I um, I want to
apologize for last night.

I guess I just overreacted.

No you didn't.

It must be awful to have
somebody eavesdropping

on your thoughts all the time.

I'm really sorry.

I've been awake all night.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I know.

No.

There you go, reading
my mind again.

No.

Because I couldn't stop
thinking about you either.

We could just pick up
where we left off last night.

You'll have to remind me
where we left off, because I

can't seem to remember.

Well, as I recall,
you were in my arms.

We were on a deck
in the moonlight.

I've still got the arms.

Why not see if we
can find that deck?

Do we have to wait
for the moonlight?

No.

Good.

Here you go--

well, how do you like that?

Not only does she read minds,
but she disappears too.

Well, good morning.

Yes, I'm sure it
is for some people.

Is there something wrong?

Julie, I saw you and
Horace kissing last night.

Oh, this is going
to sound crazy,

but I was doing that
to help your honeymoon.

My honeymoon?

Is that old goat using
that trick again?

Julie, we've been
married for years.

years?

But he told me that--

listen.

He pulls that trick every time
we take a trip and every time

a pretty girl catches his fancy.

You ought to wring his neck.

Oh, well, he's harmless.

And besides, he's an old bluff.

All we really wants is
some hugging and kissing.

Are you sure
that's all he wants?

If things went any further,
it would scare him to death.

I just wish that
someday somebody

would teach him a lesson.

Well, that someday may
come sooner than you think.

You mean you'll
teach him a lesson?

You bet I will.

Oh, I hope he's
not too old to learn.

Gopher (over speaker):
Welcome to fabulous acapulco,

Mexico's seaside paradise.

There are so many wonderful
things to do here,

you may need another
cruise to get it all in.

Have a terrific day ashore,
but don't be back too late.

Tonight, the acapulco
lounge presents

the amazing mind reading
feats of miss Tess mckeon.

I thought you were going
to get dressed so we could

get some lunch in acapulco.

No, I'm not hungry.

You've got something
on your mind.

What's wrong?

I'm not going to
see you again, Mike.

What?

I don't understand.

What's the matter?

I've fallen in love with
you, that's the matter.

Well, that's a problem we
can have some fun solving,

isn't it?

No, we can't.

You're married.

That's it.

[Sighs]

Ok, I'm married.

I'm sorry I didn't--

oh!

I knew there was something
you were hiding from me.

When I was in your arms, I
kept sending out Mike, Mike,

and all I kept getting
back was Carol.

It's Carol!

I never said that.

I could hear you thinking it.

Oh.

Listen, I'm sorry.
Carol--

I want you to go!

You don't understand.

You don't understand!

I want you to go!

Oh, Horace.

Guess what?

You and I have a date tonight.

A date?

Yes.

Doc and I are entered
in the dance contest,

and Julie said she'd
take you to the movies.

- Maybe she's uh--
- no, no.

I tell you what.

You two figure it
out for yourselves.

I have to go and practice
some dance steps.

See ya.

Julie, I know how you
must feel after last night.

You don't have to look after me.

Have to?

Horace, who do you think
talked doc into entering

the dance contest with twinkie?

Hiya, sweetheart.

What are you doing inside
on such a beautiful day?

I don't know.

I'm not in the mood to go out.

Does this mood have
anything to do with chip?

He's not a very
good winner, is he?

No.

Especially when he loses.

Would you translate
that for me, please?

You promise you won't tell?

Not if you don't want me to.

[Sighs] Dad, chip didn't win
those games last night, I did.

I only said that he won so
that he wouldn't be embarrassed

in front of his father.

Dad, chip is a clod at sports.

He made up all those
stories about those trophies

so Mr. Bronson would
be proud of him.

I see.

And then this
morning, he tells

everybody that it
was no big deal

beating me because I'm a girl.

I should have decked him!

[Sighs] Vicki, I think what
you did for chip was a generous

and loyal thing to
do, but you might

have done him a disservice.

Losing is a part of
life too, and chip

can't go on trying to be
something he isn't, not

even for his dad.

I guess you're right.

But since you brought it up,
I want you to know what I am.

The luckiest daughter
in the world.

[Guitar music]

[Chatter]

Here you go, Mike.

All right.

Thanks, Isaac.

I could sure use it.

Anything you
want to talk about?

Boy, have I got a problem.

Ever been torn
between two women?

No, but that's
the kind of problem

I'd trade my problems for.

You wouldn't.

Not if one of them
were your wife.

Oh.

I see.

Yep.

Of course, Carol and I
haven't been real husband

and wife for some time now.

She's been asking for a divorce.

She's found someone else.

And you're not sure you
want to give it to her.

Well, I still love her.

At least I thought I did.

I hadn't counted
on meeting Tess.

I don't know what to tell you.

That's one that's not covered
in the bartender's manual.

[Knocking]

Who is it?

Horace: It's Horace!

Come in.

We'd better get started if
we're going to see the movie.

Oh, I thought we'd
just dim the lights

and make our own movie.

What are you doing?

Something I've wanted to do
ever since I first kissed you.

Now-- now wait a minute.

I know it's crazy,
but I've always had

this wild thing for older men.

Now, just a second.

Oh, but you're not leaving.

Who's leaving?

I just wanted to make
sure the door is locked.

Mr. Bascom!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

You ought to be ashamed.

Getting a senior
citizen so excited.

I didn't get you excited!

Yes, you did.

I could get a heart
attack doing this.

Or a brain concussion!

Wait.

[Panting]

Mr. Bascom, you really
are a dirty old man!

So let me in, and we can
take a shower together, huh?

Huh?

Mr. Bronson, how do you and
my father know each other?

Oh, your father and I
go back a long way, Vicki.

We were on our college
baseball team together.

Jack, we never even made
the college baseball team.

Merrill, I know that,
and you know that,

but she doesn't know that.

[Laughter]

Hi, everyone.

Hello, chip.

Hi.

Vicki, this is for you.

Well, aren't you
going to open it?

What's this for?

Well, you won it,
fair and square.

Chip, what are
you talking about?

Dad, I didn't really
beat Vicki last night.

In fact, she m*rder*d me.

[Scoffs] What is this, a joke?

No, dad.

The only joke is me.

As an athlete.

[Scoffs]

Gopher (over speaker):
We hope you have

enjoyed your day in acapulco.

A romantic night now awaits you
under clear and moonlit sky.

And don't forget,
tonight, miss Tess

mckeon, the amazing
mind reader, will

perform in the acapulco lounge.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure
the act I'm about to introduce

will astound you.

Here is that amazing mind
reader, miss Tess mckeon!

Thank you, captain.

Well, good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, if
you will now just relax

and concentrate on a
question, I will do my

very best to answer it for you.

But you really have to
relax so that the question

will come clearer to me.

But first, purser
Smith, would you please

get a dollar bill from
one of the passengers?

Here Tess, I've got that.

Take mine.

Any bill will do.

Over here.

All right.

I have a dollar bill.

Would you read the serial
number to yourself, please?

You are reading the
number, l b.

Absolutely correct!

[Audience gasping]

Thank you.

Purser Smith, would you give the
dollar back to the passenger,

please?

Don't put it in your pocket.

Horace!

Look, look.

Second place.

Congratulations.

We would have been
first if she had a partner

who could keep up with her.

Your wife's quite a dancer.

Oh, my Spanish number
does it every time.

When these old bones pop,
they think it's castanets.

[Laughter]

Where's Julie?

Oh, she's in the bathroom.

Oh, she's out of the bathroom.

Mrs. Bascom, you're
wrong about your husband.

He's a dirty old man!

Julie!

I'm sorry.

I've had a lot of passes
made at me in my time,

but in all my years
on this ship--

Julie, uh, listen.

Wait a minute.

Horace and I have a confession.

We're not husband and wife.

You're not married?

How could we be?

We're brother and sister.

What?

You see, Julie, when
you get to be our age,

you have to make your own fun.

Twinkie, she likes to party, and
she can get up a party anytime.

I-- I like pretty girls.

Yes, poor thing.

And in order to get one of
those pretty girls to kiss him,

he has to resort to
the honeymoon trick.

Did Julie tell you?

The whole thing.

Horace, what are we
going to do with you?

I know.

I'm going to throw
him overboard!

Go ahead.

It was worth it.

You are the best
kisser I ever met.

Horace.

Now that we're
not dating, Julie,

you can call me Mr. Bascom.

Thank you.

She's fantastic.

She certainly is.

I wish I could read minds.

If you could, I would
have been fired years ago.

Kidding.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for my last demonstration,

I would like--

As I was saying, for
my last demonstration

in the show tonight, I'm going--

you called her.

You're getting a divorce?

You love me!

You want to marry me.

Son, I've been looking
all over for you.

I would have run away,
but the way I've run,

they'd send out a
snail to catch me.

Look, chip, if you want to
talk, I'm ready to listen.

Dad, I never won
any of those trophies,

the ones I told you about.

I lied.

But why?

Because it always seemed
so important to you.

I wanted you to think I was
a winner, just like you.

A winner like me?

Chip, I never won an athletic
event in my entire life.

But what about the way you
always talked about sports?

As a fan, chip.

Not as a player.

When I was your age, my nose
was always in the books.

Your granddad didn't
believe in athletics.

I guess because he
never had an education,

he thought studying
was more important.

Then why did you push me?

I only wanted
to encourage you,

to give you the opportunities.

And then when it seemed
like you were doing so well,

I was proud.

Maybe too proud.

But after a while, your
victories became my victories.

I'm sorry I didn't have
any victories to give you.

Look, chip, I don't care
if you're an athlete or not.

I'm proud of you,
whatever you do.

Oh, son.

I love you.

I love you.

Doc, next year, you and I
are going to win first prize

in that dance contest.

Oh, I don't know.

I might be too old
for you by then.

[Laughs] Julie, are you
and I are friends again?

Well, you're a double
crosser, but I forgive you.

Do I get one of those?

Oh, you're already
over your quota.

Come on.

Right here.

Uh-- ooh!

Goodbye!

Tess, your show last
night was fantastic.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I really wish I
could read minds like that.

Well, you can.

Come on.

Close your eyes.

You can do it.

Just concentrate, and
I'll send you a message.

No.

No, i-- I couldn't.

Come on, Isaac.

Give it a try.

Ok.

Wait a minute.

I'm getting something!

You two are going to
get married, right?

- Right!
- Right.

That's it!

I've never seen anybody
learn as fast as you.

Well, I have a
little natural ability,

and I'm a pretty bright guy.

Not only that, but
I told him already.

Not only that, but she
announced it to everyone

in the lounge last night.

Ah, this is true.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

So long.

Come see us again.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Well, merrill, before I
leave, I want to tell you,

that is quite some young
lady you have there.

Oh, thanks, Jack.

You haven't done
so bad yourself.

What chip did last night
took a lot of courage.

Not really.

Well, I think it did.

You did?

Yeah.

Thanks.

I hope I see you again.

I like you a lot.

I like you too.

Friends?

Friends.

[Sighs] Well, I know one
thing you're a winner at.

Oh!

[Laughter]

[Theme music]

[Music playing]