06x03 - The Anniversary Gift/Honey Bee Mine/Bewigged, Bothered and Bewildered

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Merrill: Oh, welcome aboard.
It's nice to see you.

-Hi.
-Hi.

We're the whites,
Jim and Patti.

Oh, welcome aboard.
I'm captain stubing.

And this is my daughter, Vicki.

Oh. How nice to have your
daughter as your assistant.

Shh.
She thinks I'm her assistant.

Let's see.

You're on the promenade deck,
suite , Mr. and Mrs. White.

Oh, a suite.
Oh, how extravagant.

Nothing but the best for you.

This cruise is my present
to Patti.

We're celebrating
our th anniversary.

-Congratulations.
-Thank you.

And I have a super-duper present
for him, too.

First I heard about it.
What is it?

You'll find out later.

Come on.

Looks like I'm married
to a woman of mystery.

Make her give me a hint.

Go ahead.
Give him a hint.

Well, it's --
it's absolutely one of a kind.

There's not another one quite
like it in the whole world.

I don't know about you,
but I can't wait to see it.

Thank you for my present.

And I promise you,

we will be together
the minute I get back.

Well, I got to go.

Finally,
after six months,

we've ended up
on the same ship.

I know. I'm just sorry
it's only one cruise.

Well, uh, we'll just have
to make the best of it.

Yeah.

[ Clears throat ]

I'd better get back
to work.

See ya.

Uh, pulse rate
just over , .

That's normal
if you're in love

or if you're a hummingbird.

Oh, Julie.
Hi.

Oh, no.

What is it?

Oh, it is
honey bee harknest.

We used to share
an apartment,

and she always tried
to share my boyfriends.

Honey bee,
what a nice surprise.

That's me,
always the unexpected.

And aren't you always the one
with the most handsome man?

Well,
we're just good friends,

but I am a handsome man.

Well, if he's not
your boyfriend, who is?

Uh...

Oh, it's that tall, good-looking
officer over there, isn't it?

I know your type.

No. No.

He's new here.
I just met him.

Look, sugar,
you're talking to honey bee,

and I know you're not spending
your nights alone.

Ted, look at this.

It's the other one.

Oh.
He's cute.

What's his na--

oh, not that,
seeing he's yours,

I'd come within a mile of him,
of course.

Of course.
I understand.

His name is gopher Smith,
and I'd better get back to work.

See ya.

-Julie.
-Sir.

You shouldn't have.

I know,
but as long as I've known her,

she's been going
after my boyfriends.

And I don't want her
zeroing in on Ted.

So you made gopher the worm
on the hook?

I hope she bites.

For gopher's sake,
I hope she just nibbles.

Okay. You take care of that.
I'll count these.

Okay.

Gopher Smith?

Honey bee harknest.

Julie told me
you were a friend of hers,

and any friend of Julie's
is a real good friend of mine.

Don't look at me
like that.

What are those?

Costumes for our
Hollywood at sea ball.

Ah.

You know, they had
a sailor uniform in there.

It was fantastic.

It had red stripes
down the pant leg,

two rows of gold buttons.

We ought to have uniforms
like that.

Sermon for the day --
clothes do not make the man.

What does matter
is the kind of person

you are
without a uniform.

Sir.

Isaac,
you know what I mean.

Merrill!

Martha!

-Ahh.
-Ahh.

It's nice to see you.

Oh, well,
thank you, merrill.

You sneak.
How have you stayed so young?

Oh, it's easy.
I just keep steering my ship

into earlier time zones.

Well, it's working.
You look marvelous.

Thanks.
You look great yourself.

This is Isaac Washington,
our chief barman.

Uh, Martha norse.
-Nice to meet you.

Martha and I were classmates
in ...

Merrill,
just leave it at classmates.

I hope you enjoy
the cruise, Martha.

Oh, I'm not gonna miss
a thing.

I even brought along an outfit
for the costume party.

Oh.

But you certainly
won't need one, merrill.

Oh, nothing could be
more becoming than that uniform.

Why, thank you.

It, uh,
comes with the territory.

I hope you'll dine at my table.

Oh, I'd love to.

See ya later,
bon capitaine.

Don't let it
bother you, sir.

It's not the uniform.

It's like you said.

I'm sure she'd like
the kind of person you are

even if you took it off.

[ Air horn blows ]

I guess I should go

and get those
shuffleboard teams set up.

I never realized a cruise
director had so much to do.

I know.

It looks easy,
but it's all work, work, work.

Oh, excuse me.

Sure, I've got to
get back to work.

-Gopher?
-Hmm?

Oh, Julie.

Bumped into an old friend
of yours today,

honey bee harknest.
Hmm?

I know.
Goph...

Hundreds of guys
on the cruise.

Who does she go for?

El gopho, the love god.

Too bad I'm not available.

But you could be just a little
nice to her, couldn't you?

I don't know.
That's not so easy.

You know,
the kind of guy I am,

you're a little nice
to someone,

they think
you're a lot nice.

Think I better
give her the brush off.

No, please don't.

Why not?

Well, see, honey bee always
goes after my boyfriends.

That's why
she's hitting on you.

She thinks
that there's something

going on
between you and me.

Where'd she get a crazy idea
like that?

-I told her.
-You told her.

So, please,
just be nice to her.

Otherwise,
she's gonna monopolize Ted

for the whole cruise,

and we only
have this one cruise.

But I want to be true
to sue.

True to sue who?

True to sue,
my new girlfriend.

Oh.

Well, I'm not asking
you to be unfaithful.

I just want you
to be nice to her.

Remember,
I did it once for you.

[ Mariachi band playing ]

I'm not interrupting anything,
am I?

Oh, honey bee.
Hi.

I was just telling gopher
that I'm going to have

to spend a lot of time
this cruise working

with that new officer, Ted.
Darn it.

Well, now, don't you
worry one little bit, sugar.

I'll make sure he behaves.

Would you, honey bee?

Oh, what are
good friends for?

Thank you.

Good afternoon.
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you.
-No.

It's all right.
I'm -- I'm just kind of jittery.

I'm trying to work up
the nerve

to tell Jim
what his anniversary present is.

Yeah, whatever it is,
I'm sure he'll like it.

If he doesn't,
you can always exchange it.

Well, the present
I'm gonna give him is...

...i want us to have a baby.
-Oh.

Well, I think you might have
a little trouble

trying
to exchange a baby.

You see,
both our kids are grown,

and it'd be such fun

to have a little toddler
around the house again.

Don't you think so?

I think so, but, uh,

it's not my house
and not my toddler.

Oh, here comes Jim.

Wish me luck.

-Hi, captain.
-Hello, Jim.

Oh, excuse me, please.

Uh, I'm just toddling along.

Come on, pat.

Isaac has some champagne for us
at the bar.

No.

No, I want to tell you
about your present.

Speaking of which,
I have another one for you.

Tahiti?

You know, this cruise
started me thinking.

There's no reason
we can't travel the world.

Now that the kids are grown,
we're finally free

to have some fun.

I'm sorry.

You were going
to give me my present.

No.
No, I can't.

Why?
Did you forget to bring it?

No. No, it's something
you kind of have to order ahead.

Looks great,
pocahontas.

Reporting as requested.

What do you want me
to wear?

Oh, good.

Um, sir, you can wear one
of your nice civilian suits

because we thought you'd make
a terrific Cary Grant.

Cary Grant?

How could I be Cary Grant?

Doc?

Uh, this might help.

Oh, you're kidding.

Come on, merrill.
The passengers will love it.

Oh, try it on, sir.

Well, all right.
I'll give it a shot.

Cary, Cary, Cary,
I'd know you anywhere.

Oh, captain,
it looks wonderful.

Now, would you do me a favor

and please just
keep it in your cabin

so it won't get lost
in the shuffle?

Julie, I'd really rather not.

Uh, Cary,
if you see merrill,

tell him
we were looking for him.

Okay?
-Come on, doc.

I think
your costume's backstage.

[ As Cary Grant ]
Judy, Judy, Judy.

Oh, there you are, merrill.

[ Normal voice ]
Uh, hello, Martha.

I, uh -- I was just calling
my, uh, cruise director.

Julie, Julie, Julie!

Vicki said
I might find you here.

Yes, yes.
Well, uh, Julie

was helping me find something
for the costume party.

Merrill, I just
had a smashing idea.

Let's have
our picture taken

and send it back
to the old school.

A picture?

Well, I suppose.

The ladies
will all faint dead away

when they see
how handsome you still are.

But if you're too busy,
we could do it another time.

Do you suppose
you could get doc to take it?

Of course.

But I don't know.
Uh...

Merrill, don't tell me a man
with your great, good looks

is shy about having
his picture taken.

It's got nothing
to do with shyness.

Oh, good.
Then I'll load up my camera,

and you let me know
when you're ready.

Merrill, what does keep
you so young-looking?

I suppose
it's the sea air.

Let me know
when you're ready.

It's not the sea air.

It's the sea hair.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

How's the, uh,
costume party shaping out?

Not bad.

Good.
Any way I could be of help?

Oh, lots of ways.

The first thing you can do

is to make up a program
for the party

listing all of the movie stars
we'll be impersonating.

Hello.
-Hi.

Have you seen
little old gopher?

Yes.
I think he's down in the lounge.

Um, I don't believe
we've met.

Hmm.
Uh, honey bee harknest.

This is Ted gaines.
-Certainly a pleasure.

You know, maybe I should go down
and get gopher.

I am on duty, and I'd just die
if another woman

got her claws in him.
-Hmm.

Now, sugar,
don't you worry.

I'll stay with him.
You've got your work to do.

-Right.
-Excuse me.

Is there someone
who could help me

get my baby formula
warmed?

There certainly is.
This is Julie McCoy.

Here.
She'll be glad to help ya.

Ted, where you going?

I've got to work on the party
programs like you said.

I hate to bother you.

Oh, it's no bother.

Just because my formula
isn't working

doesn't mean
I can't help you with yours.

"Tahiti.

Fall under the spell
of the swaying palms,

the iridescent seas,
the golden sand."

Oh, boy.

Oh.

Is there anything else
you'd like?

I want to have a baby.

Coming right up.

Baby?

If that's a drink,
I don't know how to make it.

It's not.

And I want him
to make it.

What was that, dear?

My anniversary gift is,
I want us to have a baby.

We could afford it.
And -- and we have a spare room.

And it'd be so cute
and probably have your eyes,

wouldn't cry at night,
and it'd be tax deductible.

Are you s...
You're serious?

That's what you've been
trying to tell me.

Be stuck at home.

Well, we could always
take it out for little walks.

-Oh, sweetheart, a baby?
-Yeah!

You don't really want to go
through all that hassle again,

the diapers, the dentist.

Oh, oh, oh, the pta.

It's not a hassle.

And the cub scouts.

I will not be
a cub scout leader again.

I am too old for it.

We're not too old!

How about a parakeet
or a nice, little puppy?

Jim, please,
just think about it.

I really do want a baby.

One more,
and that's it.

Oh, Jim.

Hold it.
I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to Isaac.

One more,
and that's it.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Who is it?

-Merrill, it's me, Adam.
-Come in!

Come in.
Come in.

-You wanted to see me?
-Yes.

I, uh,
just spoke with Ms. Norse.

She's bringing
her camera.

We'd like for you to take
a picture of us together.

Be glad to.

What kind of camera's
she got?

What difference
does that make?

-Anything wrong, merrill?
-Nothing's wrong.

I look all right,
don't I?

You like fine.

And this is the way we're gonna
the picture, just this way.

Okay.

[ Knock on door ]

-Would you get that, please?
-Yes.

-Oh, hi, doc.
-Hi.

-Thanks for helping out.
-Oh, my pleasure.

-Hi, Martha.
-Are you ready, merrill?

-Sure thing.
-Ah, well, now, uh,

let's make it kind of casual.
I know.

Take off your hat,
and let's sit over here.

Uh, no.
Let's go outside.

It's a --
it's a little dark in here.

Oh, it doesn't matter.
It has a flash.

[ Clears throat ]

-Why don't we go outside?
-Great!

Here we go.

This -- this looks
like a good spot.

Okay.
All right.

All right.
Let's see some smiles.

Uh, wait.
Oh, wait a minute.

I got something in my eye.
-Are you okay?

Oh, dear.
Uh...

Martha, you haven't seen me
for a long time.

Things happen.

People change.

Oh, they sure do.

Do you remember sue McKinley,
that cute little cheerleader?

Yeah.

Well, she must weigh
over pounds.

Oh.

And John dugan, the best-looking
boy in our class?

Now, they call him skin head.

Skin head, huh?

Okay. All clear.

You can take it now, doc.
-Okay.

Okay, now, big smiles.

And yeah!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

dinner is now being served
in the coral dining room.

Bon appetit.

I can't take this
any longer.

Honey bee had me rubbing
suntan oil on her today.

My whole life
flashed in front of me.

Well, in a couple days,
you'll be back with sue,

and you can forget
all about honey bee.

My mind may forget.

My fingers, never.

Well,
Ted's waiting for me.

Just have a nice,
quiet dinner with honey bee.

Please?

McCoy,
I need some time off.

My hormones
are on overload.

Tell her
you can't eat with her.

Tell her the captain
ordered you to eat at his table.

All right.
I could do that.

Captain has to have me
at his table.

It's an order.
-Mm-hmm.

Can't blame him.
I'm such good company.

Great.

Pat, we better hurry
if we're gonna make dinner.

Here.

-Jim, if we had a baby...
-Ah, ah.

We agreed not to discuss
that until dinner.

Well, it's dinnertime.

All right.

Honey,
I think you know how I feel.

We've done our share.

We've raised
two great kids.

Johnny's in college.

Jimmy will be starting
next year.

But they're boys.

I know.

I've known that
for some time.

Now,
we should have a girl.

How do you know
it'll be a girl?

Well, I just know it will.

A woman knows these things.

Oh, listen, Jim.

We can travel later,

but we can't have a baby
much later.

Uh, we can't have Tahiti
much later either.

It's hard to snorkel
from a rocking chair.

Honey,
can I mention something?

Uh, please keep in mind,
I do love you.

I know I'm gonna hate it
when you start like that.

Could it just possibly be,
without your even realizing it,

that you want a baby as a symbol
to prove you're still young?

A symbol?

Because you don't need to.

To me, you will
never grow old.

Now, let's forget it.

We'll go down,
have a nice dinner to celebrate

the many, many years
of a happy life to come.

I don't think I am.

Am what, happy?

Trying to prove
that I'm young.

It's out of the question,
Patricia.

Let's drop it.

No!
I will not drop it.

I am going to have your baby
with your cooperation

or without it.

Darling, have you
forgotten the story

of the birds and the bees?

There will be no more birds
and bees for us

unless there is also
a b-a-b-y.

[ Door slams ]

I'm not gonna see you anymore.
And I'm sorry, honey.

That's just the way it is.
Look.

Honey, I'm telling you it's...
-Honey?

Sorry, sir.
I meant captain honey.

I mean captain!
-Gopher, are you all right?

Sir, can I eat
at your table tonight?

Please?
-Well, of course.

You usually do.

The more the merrier.
-Thank you, sir.

-Evening, captain.
-Hello, Isaac.

Isaac.

Will you, uh, pop
into the dining room

and see if Ms. Norse
is at my table, please?

Sure.

Thank you.

Honey, it's over.

Honey bee:
Hi, there, darling.

Look, honey,
about tonight...

That's a great dress.

Why, it's nothing.

That's what I mean.

Shall we?

I'm famished.

-See you at the table.
-I'm sorry, sir.

I'm afraid
we won't have room for you.

We're dining alone.

Martha, I know this is going
to come as a surprise,

but there is something I...
-Sir.

-Yes?
-Ms. Norse is at your table,

but she's almost finished.
-Oh, good!

I'll, uh, join her immediately.
-Yes, sir.

No reason not to.

Uh, no, sir.

I haven't eaten all day.
I'm really starving.

Well, then,
that's the place to be.

Right?
Let's go.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Ms. Norse.

Oh, hello, Isaac.
Oh, there you are, merrill.

Martha.

Yes, I was just telling Isaac
I'm gonna skip dinner.

Uh,
have to watch my weight.

He sure has willpower,
doesn't he?

But a walk on the deck
won't add any calories.

Shall we?
-Oh, I'd love to.

♪♪

Darling, all I'm saying

is that we should consider
this thing logically.

Maybe we should get
some professional advice.

Ah, excuse me.
Doctor?

Good evening.

You're just the man
that could help us.

No, we really
shouldn't bother the doctor.

Oh, I just can't stand
the thought that something

might happen to you.

Doctor, isn't it true
that -- what --

that it's risky for a woman
of to be having a baby?

I am only
and months.

But you will be
when you have the baby.

Then I can have the baby!
It's gonna be a girl.

I didn't say that.

Doctor?

Well, the general thinking

is that the ages
before are better suited.

That's what I thought.

Sorry, darling.
I had to ask.

On the other hand,
some women,

even in their s,
have normal deliveries.

Of course,
your own personal physician

would be the best one
to advise you.

But it's quite possible
he might approve.

Good evening.

Well,
you heard the doctor.

The score now is
little toddler, one,

Tahiti, nothing.

[ Indistinct conversations,
soft music plays ]

What's gopher doing
with her?

I, uh, thought
he had a girl onshore.

Well, you know sailors.

Yeah.

Well, he sure picked
a wild one.

I talked to her
a little while this afternoon.

Not much upstairs,
but what a staircase.

Maybe we could share a table
with them.

It's awfully crowded
over there.

And didn't you say
you had some new records

in your cabin?
-Yeah.

I might've mentioned it
a couple hundred times.

Unless of course
you'd rather be

with the sexy staircase.

I go for the brainy type
with a beautiful staircase.

You know, we really shouldn't
have been dancing like that.

You're right.

I mean,
what if Julie saw us?

Poor thing.
She'd be real jealous.

Yeah, we can't have that.

Oh, no.

We can't have that.

No, I should go right
to my cabin, right now.

Oh, you certainly should.

In fact,
we'll both go to your cabin.

I mean, it's the only
decent thing to do.

Decent?

Well, I mean, that way,
we'll be out of sight.

Poor Julie won't have
to feel so bad.

Come on, goph.

You know, this is definitely
one of your better ideas.

Well, like you say,
I'm the brainy type.

I should be getting
to bed.

Getting there
is half the fun, right?

Oh, you've been very helpful,
Mr. Gaines.

I'll check with you
in the morning.

Hi, Julie.

Hello.

Poor little gopher's
plumb wore out,

and I wanted to make sure
he got to his cabin all right.

Ah, yeah, sweetheart.

I'm so tired.

I'm -- I'll just see you
in the morning.

Okay.
-Good night, honey.

Good night.

Little guy doesn't have
much endurance, does he?

Well, we'll have a chance
to catch up on our talking.

You couldn't possibly
have any business

to do at this hour,
could you?

No. No.

"The love boat" will continue
in a moment.

Good morning,
and welcome to manzanillo,

one of the most colorful ports
of call on the Mexican riviera.

We will be here all day
to give everyone a chance

to explore all its fabulous
missions and markets.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

-Morning, merrill.
-Morning.

We missed you at dinner
last night, Martha especially.

Feeling all right?

Oh, yeah.
I feel fine, just fine.

No, I'm not feeling fine.

What I'm feeling
is foolish.

About what?

This.

Remember when I
was trying this on?

Well, after you and Julie left,
Martha came in.

She kept remarking
about how young-looking I was.

Somehow, I found it was easier
to leave it on.

That's understandable.

No, it's not understandable,
not to me.

I'm a grown man.
I'm in command of a ship

and, I thought, of myself.

How could I even
give a single thought

to something as trivial
as my hairline?

Baldness or the fear
of baldness

can shake up any man,
adult or otherwise.

Adam, I've been
through all this before.

I suffered enough anguish
years ago

when I was losing my hair.

You know what's ironic?

Earlier, I was lecturing Isaac
about how unimportant

the uniform is.
Now...

Lots of men wear toupees.

If something makes a person
feel better about himself,

why not?

I just don't like to think
of myself as being vain!

Then think of yourself
as being human.

You know,
I was all set to tell Martha.

And then, she said,

"do you know they call
John dugan skin head?"

He's another boy
in my class.

Is that why you've been
avoiding her?

I haven't
been avoiding her.

In fact,
I spent several hours

with her last night, wearing
my hat every single minute.

Well, you have two choices.

You can go down right now
and show Martha your true self.

That's just
what I intend to do.

Good.

What's the second choice?

Or it's an innocent
deception.

You could easily maintain it
until the end of the cruise.

Whatever
makes you comfortable.

Well, hi, Mrs. White.
Are you going ashore?

Mm.

That sure
is a cute baby.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah.
She sure is.

She let me feed her
this morning.

You know, this may be exactly
what I need to convince

my husband that he'd like
my anniversary gift.

Hi, Vicki.
You ready to go, pat?

-I sure am.
-See you later.

Bye.
-Bye-bye.

Oh, look.

Isn't she darling?

Come on.
Oh, my.

Oh, look!

Oh, what an adorable
little baby.

How old is she?

months, weeks
and days.

Oh! You must be having such fun
with her.

Oh, what a great idea
to bring her along.

-It wasn't my idea.
-No?

I needed a rest.

Oh, I'm sure.

But the neighbor
who was gonna take care of her

backed out
at the last minute.

I don't blame her.

Then you won't be
going ashore?

Ashore?

We haven't even been able
to make it to the dining room.

You hear that, honey?

Thanks.

My husband and I
just take shifts.

-Oh.
-It's my turn now.

My husband's out
like a light.

But she seems like
such a good little baby.

Oh, she is very good.

[ Baby crying ]

Should we hit the beach?

Why not?

We can.

Sorry, mother machree.

I think we have to score
this one for Tahiti.

All the passengers
are gonna come dressed

as their favorite
celebrity...

Movie star, really.

Were you using this?
Thanks.

What are you doing
back here?

You drinking
by the bottle now?

I've got to find a place
to hide from Julie.

Isaac?

Yes?

Oh, Isaac.
Hi.

Have you seen gopher
anywhere?

Gopher?

Yeah.

Well...

[ Glass shatters ]

-What was that?
-I don't know.

I didn't hear
gopher knock over anything.

Gopher.

Just doing inventory.

You're dangerously low
on white wine.

What are you talking about?
I have two big bottles.

Not anymore.

You got two big broken bottles.

Thanks.

Gopher, you have to stick
with honey bee.

You promised.

I told you I intended
to remain faithful to...

-Sue.
-Right.

Why don't you get doc?
He is bigger than I am.

He is stronger.

And he has unlimited access
to vitamin e.

'Cause I already told her
that you are my boyfriend.

Hello, Julie.

Ted!
Oh, Ted.

Ted, I'm so sorry
about last night.

Please let me explain.

I didn't want honey bee
to get the wrong idea.

You know,
people might talk.

But we still have
all day today

and all night tonight.

Well, that sounds better.

Hmm.

Can I talk to you,
Julie, please?

What is going on?

Going on?

You're with this other guy
all the time.

Ted?

It's business.

What kind of business?

I can't imagine that gopher
lets you get away with this.

Gopher doesn't mind.

He knows he has nothing
to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

You don't mean...

Well, I never.
Why didn't you just tell me?

The guy's gay, isn't he?

Gay?

Why is it always
the good-looking ones?

What a terrible,
terrible waste.

Come on, Ted.

We hope you enjoyed your day
at manzanillo.

We are now returning
to Los Angeles

by way of cabo San Lucas.

All passengers are invited
to the masquerade party

in the acapulco lounge.

Come as
your favorite movie star

and meet all
the other celebrities, too.

Enjoying your anniversary
cruise?

Yes.
Very much so.

Hmm.

-Have you told him yet?
-Yes.

But we still can't agree on
whether or not to have the baby.

How old is she?

months,
weeks and days.

Now, if there's anything
I can do,

you just let me know.
You hear?

Thank you.

Ah, that poor soul.
She's plumb wore out.

Ms. McCoy has tried
to help as much as she can.

Why anybody would want
to bring a baby into this world

these days,
I don't know.

I mean, the way
tomorrow looks

with all the overcrowding
and the hunger

and the pollution?
No, sir.

I just wouldn't feel right
about bringing an innocent child

into a world like this.

Excuse me, sir.

I had your costume
sent to your cabin.

Oh, thank you, Isaac.

Perhaps we can talk later.

Excuse me.

Oh, mercy,
I'd better get changed, too.

Honey,
she's only a young girl.

Yes, but she did have a point,
didn't she?

[ Indistinct conversations,
jazz music playing ]

-There he is with our drinks.
-Ta-da.

-Hi.
-Wait. Wait.

Uno, dos.

-Ah, thank you very much.
-Isaac, thanks!

Well...

-To you.
-Thank you.

Excuse me.

Bartender, my usual,
a bloody Mary.

Gopher, why do you always
wear the same costume?

What costume?

-Hi, there.
-Hi.

Why,
is there anybody here

that'd like to dance
with little old Scarlett?

Well, naturally, I would,

but you'd be taking
a chance with me, baby.

I bite.

Promise?

Don't wait up.

Come on.
Let's take a walk.

Good idea.

You're a sensational
dancer, bing.

Thank you, Ms. Lamour.

[ Singing indistinctly ]

Maybe you'd better just stick
to the dancing.

Yeah, you can, uh,
wear this sarong

when we get to Tahiti.

Well, I was hoping
it wouldn't fit by then.

[ As w.C. Fields ]
See, here, my good man.

Would you take a check
for a short beer?

Well, well,
my little chickadee.

Put that in two glasses
and give her the bill.

Have you seen the captain...

I mean, Cary Grant?

Oh, he may not
even show up.

You're off
to see the wizard.

Oh, yes.
I certainly am.

And speaking of wizards,
is your father here?

No, but he will be.

I saw him rummaging
through the costumes before.

Oh, there he is.

Wait.
Don't tell me.

Roy Rogers.

Who can this
handsome devil be?

Say, "Judy, Judy, Judy."

That would be out of character.

[ Whistles ]

Shall we dance?

Oh, merrill...
I mean, your highness,

it's wonderful,
just perfect.

Oh, would you believe,
when I saw you with that before,

I actually thought
it was real?

Yes, well, uh...

Oh, but I'm so glad
I was wrong.

You are so much more attractive
without it.

Shall we have
that dance?

Nice move, merrill.

Now I suppose you'll insist
on remaining bald.

That's real vanity.

Oh, Adam.

[ Applause ]

[ Intro plays ]

[ "Shall we dance" plays ]

Everybody, dance!

[ Music stops ]

You look deliciously evil,
sugar.

But I know
you want to change

into something
more comfortable.

Right.

I'm gonna go in
and change into a bat.

Oh, what a cozy little place
you have here.

Oh, gopher.

You are a shy one.

May I invite the lovely star
in for some champagne?

A picture frame?

Here I'll -- oh, mercy.

Is that a picture
of Julie?

What am I doing?

What a terrible,
terrible person.

I'm sorry, gopher.

May I invite the lovely star
in for some champagne?

Oh, Julie.
Come here this minute.

I'm an awful, awful thing
for going

after my girlfriend's fellas,
but that is over.

When I saw poor gopher

clutching for dear life
to your picture,

Julie, I realized
that I had to grow up.

And I promise you,
it'll never happen again, never.

I'm off to do a far,
far better thing.

-Where are you going?
-To donate my body to science.

Oh, those two lovebirds
want to be alone.

Lovebirds?

I knew something
strange was going on.

Speaking of strange,

this might be kind of new
to you, but give it a try.

I always did like
a challenge.

Want to go somewhere

and drive a stake
through my heart?

Thanks for waiting.

I thought I'd better
get back to this.

If there were a crisis,

i don't think the crew
on the bridge would take orders

from a guy in pantaloons.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

About what we were talking
about earlier,

your anniversary gift?

Yes?

Well, I know
it's a personal matter,

but I disagree so vehemently
with what that young lady

was saying.

May I just say one thing?

Of course.

It's simply this --

there are valid reasons
for not having children,

but fear
shouldn't be one of them.

Well, I know, but she did have
a point, didn't she?

There are so many problems
in the world today.

But problems
are a part of life.

Without them,
we couldn't have achievements.

But the problems of the past
have been solved,

as the problems
of the future will be solved,

but only by people.

So the children to come,
the new generation

brought up in love,
to my way of thinking,

they're not the problem.

They're the solution.

Well, I guess I'd better
get off my soapbox.

Good luck to you both.

Thank you.

Merrill, that was
very nice, very wise.

And to think
that you were the kid

that almost flunked sandbox.

Madam, your brilliant husband
just had an idea.

Let's do both.

We'll go to Tahiti,

and if a tiny toddler
happens to come along,

we'll just get ourselves
a bigger grass shack.

May not be easy
pushing a baby carriage

through all
those golden sands.

Oh, I have a crazy feeling
we'll manage.

Oh, Jim, are you sure
it's what you want?

How could I have
ever doubted it?

It's to my advantage.

Chance to end up
with another girl

just as wonderful and beautiful
as you are.

Happy anniversary,
Mr. White.

Happy anniversary,
Mrs. White.

"The love boat" will continue
in a moment.

So long, Julie.

I'm sorry
if I got in the way,

but I didn't realize
that you two...

Oh, it's -- it's okay.

Come on, sugar.

Oh.

It was easier
than I thought.

Seems some folks would
rather switch than fight.

You're better off
without him.

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Probably.

-There you are.
-Hmm?

-This just came for you.
-Oh, thanks, Vicki.

-Mm-hmm.
-Julie, take it from old goph.

Any guy who'd go for honey bee

must only be interested
in one thing.

What is it?

It's from sue, my girl.

She just got engaged.

Honey bee, listen.

I'm off duty later.

Think we could get together?

Well, next stop Tahiti.

I just wish this ship
were going there.

-Oh, so do I.
-Yeah.

Bye, everybody.

Oh, do you want some help?
Can I carry her for you?

Oh, no.
Thanks.

I'm kind of
getting used to it.

The three of us had
a pretty good time after all.

Yeah?

Bye.
-Bye-bye.

Well, you hear that?

What do you think now?

I -- I think you find a lot
of loonies on these cruises,

even some you've been married
to for years.

-Oh. Bye.
-Bye-bye.

Bye.

Oh, I had a great trip.

It was my pleasure,
Martha.

Oh, dear.
Would you mind, merrill,

just one more memento
for my scrapbook?

-I'd love it!
-Okay.

Could you take it, Isaac?
-Certainly.

Thank you.
Okay.

Okay, uh,
a little closer together,

you two.

Oh, and merrill...

-Hmm?
-Oh.

It's a honor
to have my picture
in your scrapbook, Martha.

Well, it was either that
or a lock of your hair.