06x02 - The Italian Cruise: Venetian Love Song/Down for the Count/Arrividerci, Gopher/The Arrangement: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love
boat theme"]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're
expecting you.

And love, life's
sweetest reward.

Let if flow, it
floats back to you.

Love boat.

Soon we'll be
making another run.

The love boat promised
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your
mind on a new romance, and love

won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard, it's love.

Woman (over pa): Attention
all stalis solaris passengers.

The final launch
back to the ship

is now ready for departure.

Oh hi, gopher.

Gopher?

Hello, I'm gopher.

You called me?

Twice.

Why are you using
that phony accent?

Well, you know
how it is, miss.

When in Rome, you
do as the romans do.

Miss?

Aha.

I'll bet you thought I
did not remember you.

Come on, gopher,
quick kidding around.

I'm busy.

Okey, dokey.

I'll show you quick.

Where is my cabin?

Your cabin's right there.

Good.

And you thought I
didn't remember you.

Bye bye.

Weird.

It gets weirder every day.

Must find out all
about this gopher guy.

English.

How can you do
this to me, Maria?

There I am with an
armful of packages.

I turn around and you and what's
his name, Roberto, are gone.

We're back.

I'm sorry.

Are you?

Not really.

Then you should be.

Your marriage to Enzo
is a matter of honor.

And what if I'm in
love with Roberto?

But you're not.

But even if you are,
it's not important.

This is the way it has to be.

Don't you understand?

Please, Maria, darling,
think of the family.

Think of their
embarrassment if you don't

go through with the marriage.

I don't want to.

But you must.

Will you tell Roberto?

Yeah.

Fran, tell me everything.

I want a full report.

That's a pretty full report.

What happened?

My, wonderful charming
count is a gigolo.

A gigolo, like
$ . a dance gigolo?

Well, nowadays, it's more than
$ . a dance and, I suppose,

more than dance.

I'm sorry.

I guess you must be
pretty disappointed.

Oh, I am.

I'm sure it's how Juliet
would feel if she found out

that Romeo just climbed
up her balcony because he

wanted to sell her a ladder.

I really appreciate all
you're doing, captain stubing.

I'm enjoying it.

Golden anniversaries
are all too rare.

Good evening, Ms. Krendall.

Julie, you're arranging
for the cake for tomorrow's

anniversary party, right?
- Yes, sir.

It's all taken care of.

It's three tiers
with white icing,

and it says "happy anniversary
Teresa and Dominic"

in red icing and
then green candles

the Italian flag colors.

That sounds wonderful.

I thought it
was pretty clever.

Well, I'm going to go
check on the decorations.

Good evening.

Well hello, you love birds.

(Speaking with Italian
accent) I'm getting

tired of smiling all the time.

Me, too.

We've got to tell them.

We have to.

Arrange for the orchestra
to play the anniversary waltz,

right after the cake cutting.

That's great.

Oh, mama, papa, we got
something great to tell you.

Really?

We've got something to tell you.

Tell them.

Why me?

Dominic.

All right, all right.

We are going to get a divorce.

A divorce?

Yes.

We cannot, how you
say, stand each other.

You two have been
married for years.

That's how long we can't
stand each other, years.

You can't get a divorce.

What about the church?

So what about it?

Hey, it never bother you.

You get to throw out
the [inaudible] already.

But it's different
for you and mamma.

The church is very
important to your lives.

You know, something,
she is right.

So what are we going to do?

We'll get an annulment,
a complete annulment,

like we were never married.

[Music playing]

Mi amore, my love, I
look for you everywhere.

I couldn't find you.

Hello, Roberto.

Hello, Roberto?

What is that to say
to someone you love?

I don't love you.

What about today in Capri?

I've thought a lot
about it, and i'm

going to marry Enzo carducci.

Why?

Because it's
what I have to do.

The marriage was arranged.

It's important to my family.

And Enzo's wealth
is important to you?

I feel sorry for you, Maria.

[Speaking Italian] "My
heart goes with you."

And mine with you, Roberto.

[Music playing]

What a life.

I'm married years.

Now I'm getting an annulment.

Why couldn't I get an annulment
when I was back five years?

What about me?

Divorced twice and now I find
myself falling for a gigolo.

That's nothing.

I'm engaged to a man
I've never even met

and I'm in love
with someone else.

How about me?

I've never been married
and I never will be.

So you're the lucky one.

Oh, good morning, gopher.

[Speaking Italian]

Good morning, sir.

Your accent is remarkable.

Thank you.

Very soon I talk as good as you.

That's a joke.

Excusi.

Anything wrong, merrill?

I'm really worried
about gopher, Adam.

He's got a girl
who's beautiful,

loaded, and loves him, and
you're worried about gopher?

I wish I had his problems.

[Music playing]

Which way to Rome?

[Speaking Italian]

I'll find it myself.

Woman (over pa): Ladies
and gentlemen, we are

now entering the port of Rome.

You may begin disembarkation
in approximately minutes,

and so begin your
fabulous Roman holida.

During your stay in
the eternal city,

be sure to visit Vatican City,
the residence of the pope

and the sit of St.
Peter's basilica

and the incomparable
sistine chapel.

Across the tiber river looms
the imposing Victor Emmanuel

monument, built to honor
the unification of Italy

and the nation's first king.

As you tour the
city, feast your eyes

on some of the world's
most fabulous works of art,

or travel through time,
visiting the ruins

of ancient Roman
civilization, including

the spectacular colosseum.

Before you leave
this exciting city,

make a wish at the
fountain of trevi

to ensure your safe
return, or take

a romantic stroll
down the colorful,

historic Spanish steps.

[Music playing]

Why Carmen, look,
the trevi fountain.

Come on, let's walk around.

Enough walking, my
feet are k*lling me.

Oh.

I'll tell you what.

You rest here, aunt Carmen.

I'm going to go make
a wish, all right?

Oh, wish for
stronger arches for me.

Roberto.

I'm sorry, I
could not stay away.

But you must.

I told you last night.

Yes, you told me, but I
know that you did not mean it.

Yes, I did.

I mean, I should have.

Roberto, my aunt.

Come on.

Aunt Carmen.

You again?

I thought I could show you
some of the sites of Rome.

I told Maria to
stay away from you.

There's no problem.

I understand she's going
to marry Enzo carducci.

She does not love him.

I accept this.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Then you two go by yourself.

My people won't
move another inch.

Thank you, aunt Carmen.

Grazi.

Let's go.

And no hanky-panky.

[Classical musical playing]

[Car honking]

Melissa, it's beautiful.

What are you doing here?

I'm looking at
St. piedro and you.

What do you do here?

I was looking at St.
Peters, but not anymore.

Senora, por favore.

Why do you hate me
for being what I am,

whatever that may be.

You're right.

Why should I hate you?

You are what you are.

Given a choice between being
hated and being tolerated,

I much prefer the hate.

Fine.

Then consider yourself hated.

Senora, por favore,
won't you change your mind?

The people I work
for will be angry.

I will have to give back that
money, and some of the money

I've already spent.

I have to go.

Where do you go?

Colosseum.

Please, allow me to earn
my money by being your guide.

Let me show you around.

I can see Rome by myself.

Ah, but you could never
see the Rome I can show you.

Please, it would be
my pleasure, my honor.

And it would allow me
to regain self-respect I

lost by embarrassing you.

Please.

Ok.

Come, I show you
this beautiful city.

You know, the castel
sant'Angelo, I think, is more

fantastic every time I see it.

Every time you see?

Gopher, you said this is
your first time in Rome.

Oh, it is, but, you know,
what I mean is when I am a kid,

back in the United States,
I look in the history books,

and I see castel sant'Angelo.

I see every time,
because you know.

And I used to daydream that
I would go up and get married

and that would be home.

That enormous castle?

Oh, it looks so cold.

Well, I used to
dream that my wife,

she would make little
curtains for the windows.

Oh, sweet.

And we would need so
many rooms full of bambini.

Gopher.

[Classical music playing]

[Speaking Italian]

Go on, it's yours.

Grazi.

Mille grazi.

Have a nice giorno.

[Cars honking]

The colosseum is
the most stupendous

monument of ancient Rome.

It was built in ad
by the emperor vespasian.

The colosseum was designed
to hold , spectators.

It is more than meters
in its circumference,

and was originally covered with
the marble, which was removed

hundreds of years later
during the renaissance

to decorate the more modern
buildings and the fountains.

This is even more fantastic
than the photographs.

Your husband, he did not
bring you to Rome, to Europe?

No.

They're too busy making money.

I feel like I'm standing in
the middle of another time.

I can understand
why a man would

want to buy you everything.

Can you imagine this place
filled with spectators.

Bellissimo.

"You are very beautiful."

You Italians always
know how to break

down a woman's defenses.

What do you do?

You send little boys to school
and you teach them beginning

and advanced flattery?

No, no.

It is not flattery.

I enjoy being with you so much.

Come on, paolo.

Show me Rome.

I want to learn more about
its fabulous history.

Si, si.

Perhaps you will let me
teach you some other things

before our tour is over.

Perhaps I will
and perhaps I won't.

[Music playing]

[Speaking Italian]

What are you doing here?

I went to confession.

Oh, confession for you,
that should take one week.

[Inaudible] It's a
beautiful church, eh?

You remember the church
where we got married?

Yes, I remember the church.

It's the wedding
I try to forget.

You also forget you're the
only husband I ever know who

sold his wife's wedding dress.

Yes.

I sell the dress
to buy the clothes

to baptize the first baby.

But a wedding dress is
very important to a woman.

You think I don't know that?

But we were poor then.

We just come over
from the old country.

Hey, look.

I want to tell you.

You want to see your baby
baptize in a worker shirt?

But you never bought
me anything beautiful.

[Inaudible] I give
you everything I could.

What more could I do?

You never sang me one song.

Sing without the tune?

And you never, in
years, bought me a flower.

Fiore?

You want flower.

I'm going to get
you the flowers.

[Speaking Italian]

Look, how much?

[Speaking Italian]

Hey, [speaking Italian]

Go away.

Go away.

Go away.

Take the flowers.

Please.

[Music playing]

I love you, Maria.

And I love you, Roberto.

Maria, I want to run
away to the catacombs

with you, where nobody would
find us, including aunt Carmen.

Oh, aunt Carmen.

I'm serious.

Roberto, please, I don't
want to talk about it.

I have to marry Enzo
carducci, and that's that.

Oh, Enzo carducci.

I feel sorry for him.

For him?

There he is, a nice,
rich, old, fat man

with a beautiful wife
who does not love him.

I've heard that people
learn to love each other.

Oh yes, in time,
in or years.

Oh, and the wedding night, how
terrible it would be for him.

For him again?

The wedding night's very
important to an Italian man,

and to have a wife who is being
forced because she can't stand

to be with an old, short,
fat man, smells of cigars

and suffers from chronic
indigestion because

of all the rich foods he eats.

I would hate to be in his shoes.

Good bye, Roberto.

It's been lovely
being with you.

I mean, it's been a lovely tour.

Parker, Connecticut
is very nice,

but it is nothing like this.

Just as many other
women in my life

have been nice, but
nothing like you.

Si, si, back to the tour, huh?

The piazza De espana,
the famous Spanish steps

take that name from
the Spanish embassy.

They were built in ,
and since that time,

have attracted many
poets and artists.

Your poet, John keats, lived
and died here in the house

on the left in .

Excuse me, coming
through here.

[Classical music playing]

Look out.

[Cars honking]

Dad, this is a great
way to see the city.

Yes, but it feels a
little crowded in here.

Maybe I shouldn't have
had that last bowl of pasta.

Oh, look dad, the
Victor Emmanuel memorial.

Oh yes.

It's beautiful.

[Speaking Italian]

How do get to the harbor?

I'm looking for the harbor.

[Speaking Italian]

Yeah, I'm sorry
about that, but I've

got to get to the harbor.

What?

[Speaking Italian]

No, boats, boats.

[Interposing voices]

Right, right.

Maybe it would be better--

[speaking Italian]

Sounds like a riot.

In Italy, that's just
a friendly discussion.

Whatever it is, let's
not get involved.

I want to see as much
of Rome as I can.

[Speaking Italian]

[Speaking Italian]

Paolo, we've been
here for hours.

I have to start thinking about
getting back to the ship.

[Speaking Italian] "So soon."

What would happen if you
not go back to the ship.

I've been thinking that, too.

Baby, baby, let's
both think about it.

Paolo, what's the
matter with you?

You were supposed to
protect me two hours ago.

There is a very rich lady all
dressed up, waiting for you

to take her out to dinner.

Senor, franzoni, allow me
to present senora krendall.

How do you do?

This assignment was
over today at noon.

Oh, please, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to
stay over my time.

Por favore--

don't stand up.

Don't say anything sentimental.

I don't want anything that's
not covered by your flat rate.

No, no.

Paolo.

Don't [inaudible] Me.

If you don't want
to lose your job,

you come with me
right this minute.

Francesca, Francesca, please.

Paolo, I've invest
you a lot of money.

If you can't pay me
back, I'll ruin you.

Then ruin me, senor
franzoni, ruin me.

Francesca.

Francesca, please.

Julie, Julie, have you
see Angelica anywhere?

Angelica, Angelica,
are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

What has happened to you?

How come you look like you've
been cleaning the engine?

Guys, you won't believe--

gopher, is that you?

You look terrible.

And you smell
too good, either.

Guys, I have been kidnapped.

I was waiting for you.

This looks like
a gathering of--

that's him.

That's the one.

I'll k*ll him.

- Hold on.
- I'll k*ll him.

That's the one.

Who's this guy?

Wait a minute.

You know who I am.

I'm gopher.

That's ridiculous.

I'm gopher.

What's going on here?

Good lord, there
are two of them.

Wasn't one enough?

This man is an imposter.

I'm an imposter?

Captain, just look at him.

Does this bum look like
he could be a purser?

Now wait a minute.

Only one of you can be gopher.

It shouldn't be too hard to
find out which one is the fake

[inaudible] Gopher,
whoever you are, what

was your mother's maiden name?

Rosburn.

Your turn.

Angelica, don't you
know which is gopher?

They are both gopher.

Captain, I am the real
gopher and I can prove it.

I have a mole on my--

right here.

Do you have a mole right here?

I don't have a mole any place.

See, that proves it.

That doesn't prove anything.

We don't have
moles in my family.

Does anybody know
if gopher had a mole?

Don't look at me.

Sir, you've got to believe me.

I am me.

That's true.

But you are not me.

I'm gopher.

Wait a minute.

I think I can settle this.

Before we left on this cruise,
I asked gopher to make out

a status report on the crew.

Where is it?

I put it on your
desk, captain.

Maybe it got lost.

Sir, I'm sorry, I forgot
about the whole thing.

That's gopher.

Throw that phony off my ship.

Angelica, please.

It's me.

It's guido.

[Speaking Italian]

I love you.

It's guido.

Angelica, I love you.

Guido.

Oh, I should have known.

Woman (over pa): Ladies
and gentlemen, we hope

you enjoyed your visit to Rome.

Our next port of call is
romantic, enchanting venice.

Well, if you and
mama insist on going

through with this divorce--

uh, uh, annullamento.

All right, annulment.

I want you to come live with me.

Me?

Come and live with you?

But papa, somebody has to take
care of you and cook for you.

Carmen, you're a nice
girl, but you terrible cook.

Even the flies just stay
out of your kitchen.

But papa, I learned everything
I know from my mother.

Oh sure, that explain
everything. (Mumbling)

Will you please shut up?

Until you come to
your senses, I want

you to come stay with me, mama.

Thank you, darling.

No, thank you.

But you want have
to do anything.

You just sit and relax.

I've got a maid.

I'm used to cleaning a house.

Why do you want to stay
somewhere by yourself

with no one to talk to?

I've been married to
your father for years,

I'm used to it.

I can't believe you don't
want to come live with me.

If you want, I'll give
it to you in writing.

Angelica, I have
something very important

that I want to ask you.

Oh, gopher.

I think you know how
I feel about you now.

I love you and I hope--

no, please.

Not now.

What is it?

What's wrong?

It's guido, isn't it?

No.

Yes.

I'm so confused.

I'm so very fond of you.

Last night when I kissed
you, I was in love with you,

but it was not
you that I kissed.

It was guido.

I need time.

I'm sorry.

Man (over pa): This
is venice, considered

by many to be the most
romantic place in the world.

The grand canal and the
numerous smaller canals,

which are crossed by more
than of its Bridges,

set venice apart from
every other place on earth.

Over the years,
countless artists,

including Mozart,
krasinski, and Hemingway

have been inspired by
its beauty and grace.

From the quaint charm of
its gondolas to the magic

of St. Mark's
square, venice will

forever be the city for lovers.

Hurry up, Maria.

We'll be getting
late into venice.

I am hurrying.

Are you still
thinking about Roberto?

No.

You've got to get those
foolish thoughts out

of your head.

You'll be marrying Enzo soon.

No, I won't.

What are you talking about?

You have to.

No, I don't.

I don't care
anything about Enzo,

or his money, or
the arrangement.

I love Roberto.

But you can't.

What do you know about love?

What do you know about marriage?

You've never been married.

No, I've never been married,
but I know about love.

I loved a young man.

I loved him very much.

What happened?

I had to give him up.

Why?

Because my family wanted me to.

Go to Roberto, Maria.

Go to the man you love.

Forget the family.

Forget the arrangement.

Go.

Now hurry, before
I change my mind.

Isn't St. Mark's
square just beautiful?

I feel like I've
been here before,

I've seen it in so many movies.

Speaking of movies,
you remind me

of the navigator of the Titanic
in a "night to remember."

Oh, I'm sorry, Julie.

I know I haven't been a very
good traveling companion today.

You weren't a very good
traveling companion yesterday,

either.

Maybe what you need is a drastic
change of traveling companions.

Paolo, paolo.

Oh, what are you doing here?

You're not showing the sites
to one of your rich ladies,

are you?

No, listen to me.

I'm no gigolo anymore.

I quit my job.

I'm free now.

I'm alone.

Well, why would
you quit your job?

Because [speaking Italian]
"I love you."

And I want you to
be proud of me.

Oh, I am proud of you.

Do you mean it, paolo?

You're not a gigolo anymore?

Si.

Si, I am a gigolo for
you alone, me amore.

And if you have a paid
lifetime membership.

Oh, paolo, I love you.

I love you.

You're not cooperating.

You've got to walk faster.

Why will you not tell
me where we are going?

Because I have a
surprise for you.

What kind of surprise?

A very special surprise, one
I'm sure you are going to like.

But if you don't,
you always know where

you can find me, all right?

Gopher, I do not understand.

What are you
waiting for, go on.

Come up, he's waiting.

Go.

Grazi.

[Inaudible]

Roberto.

Maria.

I can't go through with it.

I'm not going to
marry Enzo carducci.

I love you, Roberto.

And I love you, Maria.

They say that old lovers
take a romantic ride

on the grand canal.

Shall we?

I'd love to.

How about this one, huh?

How about this one over here?

It's a bit expensive,
don't you think?

Maria, you have shown me
that money means nothing

when people are in love.

Where to, senor carducci?

Anywhere, Carlo.

Senor carducci?

I took a cruise
as Roberto to see

who my parents had
arranged for me to marry,

and I fell madly
in love with her.

Oh, Roberto.

Enzo.

Who cares?

[Music playing]

Just a minute, Carmen, dear.

Are you all right, mama?

I just want to sit
here for a few minutes.

Can I get you something?

No, darling.

You go look at the sites, huh?

Oh, all right, mama.

But you've got to
be careful now.

You know how Italian
men like to pinch.

Who's going to pinch me?

I never, ever could get
your father to do it.

[Singing in Italian]

[Speaking Italian]
"I love you very much."

Can you forgive me?

I love you too, Dominic.

I'll forgive you, but only
if you forgive me first.

No, no, no.

You've got to forgive me first.

I forgive you.

You're the best
wife a man ever had.

Dominic, you're the best
husband a woman ever had.

And you're the best cook.

You cook just like an angel,
and you look just like one, too.

You only say I'm a great cook
because you know it's true.

And you say you love me because
you're such a romantic man.

Come on, come on.

All right.

[Speaking Italian] All right.

All right.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

[Laughs]

[Screams]

Thank you.

Do you want me to
sing another song?

Yeah, [inaudible] I like it.

[Singing in Italian]

[Music playing]

That's older than the Vatican.

That church right there?

th century.

The Vatican was built
in the th century.

Hi, g*ng.

How are you doing?

Hi, guys.

Have you guys seen
the captain and Vicki?

No, I haven't seen them.

Me neither.

You don't suppose they
stayed on the ship, do you?

And miss venice?

Are you kidding?

No.

Well then, where are they?

Right here.

[Speaking Italian]

[Laughs]

Well, come on over.

We can't hold this pose forever.

Let's go.

Well, I hope they come back.

The captain sure knows
how to make friends.

I'm glad I'm wearing a hat.

Watch the birdie.

Which one?

[Music playing]

[Theme music]