06x01 - The Italian Cruise: Venetian Love Song/Down for the Count/Arrividerci, Gopher/The Arrangement: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's
sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat soon will
be making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Isaac, this ship doesn't
look anywhere near ready.

I wonder why the captain
called us back in.

I don't know.

We've still got more than a
week left on our vacation.

- Yeah.
- Hi, Julie.

Hi, Isaac.
- Hi, Vicky.

Hey, Vic.

Do you know what's going on?

No.

Mm-mm.

Don't you?

Well, I heard something
about a special cruise.

But that's all I know.

Oh, great.

There goes my camping
trip up north.

Well, this one
individual who is

not going back to work today,
no matter what the captain says.

Ah, don't get excited, gopher.

We'll be able to
work something out.

Not under discussion, doc.

I am not going back.

What, have you got some
kind of special dispensation

we don't know about?

You might say that.

Ooh.

What happened?

What did you do?

Well, I think I'll let my
personal physician handle

a statement to the press.

I regret to inform
you that our purser has

been stricken with
a dreaded malady

commonly known as poison Ivy.

Oh.

So while you poor
stiffs are working away,

I'll be home, sleeping
late, watching the telly,

and in general,
having a good time.

You don't think
the captain's going

to let you get away with that?

Hey, my buddy, the doctor,
is going to back me up.

Captain stubing:
Good afternoon, crew.

I'm sorry to be cutting
your vacations short.

But something
unusual has come up.

Well, sir, I'm afraid--

let me finish, please.

A friend of mine
on another ship has

asked us to fill in for him.

Well, unfortunately, sir--

captain stubing: So we
will be flying to Europe,

and taking over
the Stella solaris,

and sailing to Monaco,
Capri, Rome, and venice.

Monaco?

Capri?

Rome.

Venice?

Us?

Right.

Now, what were you going to say?

Nothing, sir.

All set to go.

What about your poison Ivy?

I want a second opinion.

As I remember, Italy
is over there somewhere.

So shall we?

[Music playing]

Pilot: Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is your pilot speaking.

We will be landing
shortly at Leonardo

Da Vinci international airport.

Benvenuto in

italia.

Stella solaris, per favore.

Si, signore.

Molto bene.

Are we really in Italy?

Somebody pinch me.

If we're in Italy,
somebody will.

Where are we?

This port is enormous.

It's called [Italian].

There she is, Stella solaris.

Beautiful, isn't she?

No, I wouldn't say that.

Wouldn't you?

No.

I'd say, bellissima.

[Laughing]

Well, let's go.

[Band playing march]

My, my, my, what a
big, beautiful ship.

Oh, Francesca, the car and the--

the tickets must
have cost a fortune!

Oh, it was our pleasure, mama.

We wanted to do it.

Money was no object.

Maybe not for you.

But nobody ever pay me alimony.

Dominic, shh.

And take your hat off.

Why?

We're on a boat.

No, we're on a ship.

And whenever there's
a roof over your head,

you don't keep your hat on.

Oh, yes, nowadays,
isn't that true?

Yes, grandma.

That's right?

Yes, grandpa.

Hey, but what about him?

He's got a head on the head.

He's the captain.

When you're the captain,
you can keep your hat on.

Welcome aboard.

I'm captain stubing.

Ah.

You must be the
rosselli family.

Yes, that's right.

I'm Dominic rosselli.

And I'm the head of this family.

According to who?

[Inaudible].

Oh, and this is in
my daughter, Carmen.

Hello.

Hello, captain.

And my daughter Francesca.

Miss.
Rosselli.

Fran crandall.

It's my married name.

I'm divorced.

Twice, eh?

Oh, and this is my
marvelous [Italian]..

[Italian]?

Granddaughter.

Ah, granddaughter, Maria.

Very nice.

And this one is
my wife, Teresa.

It's very nice to
meet you, captain.

A fine family.

I understand you're celebrating
a wedding anniversary.

Mama and papa have been
married wonderful years.

Well, that's a
matter of opinion.

Oh, captain, scusi, but you
can wear the hat in the boat

here?

Of course.

Ah, grazie.

Careful.

You know how soft
your head is getting.

Mm, but not hard
like yours, [Italian]..

Mama, papa, please--

Dominic: Come on.

She started it, eh?

Teresa: You know, he's right.

years ago, I
committed a mortal sing.

I said "I do" to him.

It's hard to believe they're
celebrating an anniversary.

My divorces were friendlier.

Uh, papa, why don't you take
mama for a walk on the deck,

ok, mama?

Ok, I'll go.

But with him, I'm not
getting near a railing.

Scusi.

I mean, it's really nothing.

They always talk to
each other that way.

No my parents
were the same way.

But they loved each
other very much.

You'll find your
keys at the desk.

Please, enjoy the cruise.
- Ok.

Thanks.

Thank you very much.

I wonder if Helen's here.

Well, why don't
you go look for her?

I'll check us in.

Oh, thank you.

Marie, you stay here.

Yes, aunt Carmen.

Hi.

Carmen and Marie rosselli,
Mr. and Mrs. Dominic rosselli,

and Fran crandall.

[Music playing]

Buongiorno.

Hello.

I'm sure you'll
have a wonderful time.

Oh, yes we will.

Not only my parents
celebrating their anniversary,

my niece is going to get
married when we get to venice.

Married?

That's great.

Carmen: But that isn't.

Buongiorno.

Hello.
- Ciao.

Goodbye.

Let's go, Maria.

We have to unpack.

Excuse us.

Oh, excuse me.

My name is Fran crandall.

And I'm expecting a
friend to see me off.

And I can't seem to find her.

She's about-- about my
height, dark brown hair--

crandall, right?

Yes.

Well, I think this may
just solve your problem.

This telegram arrived for
you just a few minutes ago.

Thank you.

Oh, if that isn't
just typical of her.

Well, I've never met
the lady, so I'm not sure

if it's really typical of her.

But the more I think about it,
it is pretty typical of her.

I'm sorry.

It is from my friend, Helen.

She can't make the sailing.

But she has a surprise
waiting for me in Monaco.

Wonderful.

No if you know
Helen's surprises.

She's probably trying
to fix me up with one

of her stuffy friends again.

Well, all of her
friends can't be stuffy.

Oh, yes they can.

And I found out the hard way.

I married two of them.

[Band playing march]

Grazie is thank you.

Prego, you're welcome.

Si.

Ok.

Welcome aboard.

Grazie.

[Speaking Italian]

, lira?

[Speaking Italian]

Woman: [Speaking Italian]

Oh, mama Mia.

What a deal, you know?

Hey, this is one time I
can't disagree with you.

[Speaking Italian]

[Speaking Italian]

Aw, will you look at that?

She's probably spending her
last lira on this cruise.

[Speaking Italian]

[Speaking Italian]

[Speaking Italian]

Well-- excuse me,
ma'am, signorina.

I'm burl Smith
with the ship here.

Maybe I can be of service?

Uh, I am so embarrassed.

I do not have enough
money to tip the driver.

Oh, don't give
that another thought.

Signor, [Italian].

Ah, ah, there you are.

[Speaking Italian]

Don't thank me.

No, it's perfectly all right.

Bye-bye.

Have a nice day.

I'm very grateful,
signore Smith.

Yeah.

Oh, you are injured.

Oh, these.

Uh, yeah, yeah, had to teach
a lesson to a couple of punks

that insulted an old lady.

[Italian].

You are very brave,
signore Smith.

Well, actually, we're not
that formal around here.

People just call me gopher.

Goph?

Gopher.

Long story.

Gopher.

And I am Angelica.

Angelica.

Angelica franchiti.

Angelica franchiti.

Here you are, emerald
deck cabin .

I know exactly where that is.

I'll show you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, here let me--

grazie.

Ah, prego.

You know, you look
very much like someone

I grew up with as a child.

No kidding.

Someone I liked very much.

Really?

Mm.

Perhaps you have
Italian relations.

No.

No?

But it's never
too late to start.

[Foghorn blowing]

[Music playing]

Woman: Attention, passengers.

We're now leaving [inaudible].

Our first stop will be the
sensational jet-set haven

of Monaco.

From there, we'll set our sails
for the beautiful, carefree

isle of Capri, then
on to glorious Rome,

a European capital
steeped in history.

And finally, we'll conclude
our mediterranean adventure

in venice, where you can
take a romantic gondola

ride to picturesque
St. Mark's square.

We hope your cruise
is so memorable,

you'll never want to
say "arrivederci."

Buongiorno.

Oh.

Uh, hello.

I was hoping to see you here.

Really?

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Roberto di nardi.

I'm Maria rosselli.

And I'm Carmen rosselli.

You must be Maria's sister.

And you must be in big
trouble with your eyesight.

I'm her aunt.

Well, a pleasure.

Is there anything
you ladies need?

Yes, some space.

Ciao.

I don't want you
talking to strangers

on this cruise, Maria,
especially young men strangers.

All he did was say
a friendly hello.

I saw the way
you looked at him.

Now, you keep your
thoughts on Enzo carducci.

How can I?

I've never even met him.

You'll meet him
when we get to venice.

Don't worry.

But aunt Carmen,
it's not right.

People just don't have marriages
prearranged these days.

And they're so happy?

Trust your family.

It'll be a good match.

And what if I'd like to choose
my husband like everyone else?

What if Enzo carducci
is old and fat?

Enzo carducci is
a very wealthy man.

It's important that this
marriage takes place.

It's your duty to your family.

Now, smile.

Sure.

Why not?

The condemned bride is
enjoying a hearty cruise.

Cheers.

Hello, Fran.

Hi.

She's done it again.

Oh, another telegram
from your friend?

No, this is a telegram
from her friend,

count Paulo di marzi.

Count.

Sounds impressive.

He's probably as stuffy
as the telegram sounds.

"May I have the pleasure
of your company for lunch

at the hotel De
Paris in Monaco?"

Well, we might not
be all that stuffy.

This might say, (french accent)
"May I have the pleasure

of your company for lunch at
the hotel De Paris in Monaco,

s'il vous plait?"

I might give him a chance.

Let me know what happens.

And if nothing happens,
make something up.

I lead a very lonely life.

Tell me, what do you
think of ship life so far?

Ah, it's a wonderful
new experience for me.

Really?

Well, I'll tell you something,
wonderful new experience

for me, too.

Meeting someone
like you, I mean.

Oh, what a sweet thing to say.

Or is that something you tell
all your female passengers, hm?

Mm-mm, only the
very special ones.

Well, everybody seems
to be enjoying themselves.

Especially gopher.

Captain stubing: Yes.

She's a beauty.

Do you think they
could be falling in love?

No way.

Why so positive, merrill?

It could happen.

Not until I get that
personnel report on my desk.

Would you like
something to drink?

Um, qualcosa di bere?

Um, I'm not--

oh, now, hey, listen.

I know what it's like
to be on a tight budget.

You can relax.

These are strictly on the house.

Spiros, please.

There we are.

Well, in that case, hm?

All right, now,
here's to getting

to know each other better.

Much better.

[Music playing]

Oh, can't you
do anything right?

What now?

Why did you bring
your work pants?

Because I work.

If I was in the
cruise business, then

I would have packed
my sailor pants.

Well, it was a
good thing I brought

you something decent to wear.

Well, maybe
Francesca was right.

Hm?

We act like two people
ready to get a divorce.

Oh, don't blame me.

I no blame.

But maybe it's a good idea.

Well, fine.

Fine.

So instead of celebrating
our anniversary, we'll--

we'll celebrate our divorce.

And end to years
of nag, nag, nag.

And years of no romance.

No romance?

Hey, you have five children.

Big deal!

Five nights you came home early.

Another thing, in all this
time, you know, you never,

ever brought me one flower?

You never sang me a song.

What?

You're Italian!

You're supposed to love to sing.

Sing?

Hey, after I ate your meatballs,
I was lucky if I could walk.

I can't be a lucky woman.

Go practice walking!

Hey, with pleasure,
signora, with pleasure.

Ah, signora.

Ha-ha, romance!

Mamma Mia.

[Music playing]

What time do we arrive
in Monaco tomorrow, dad?

Oh, about :
in the morning.

Excited?

I can hardly wait
to see the palace.

And brigitte bardot.

Oh, you're type, right, doc?

Oh, I once dreamt she chose
me as her personal physician.

When, in med school?

No, last night.

Hey, has anybody seen gopher?

He's probably working
on that report for me.

You are always beautiful.

But tonight, there's
something special.

It's like there's
a light inside you.

If that is true, it
is you who turned it on.

Now, about this smile--

basta.

Enough about me.

I would rather talk about us.

Ok, let's talk about us.

Gopher, when I borrowed
that money from you--

oh, no, no, wait.

No, no, no, no, we are not
going to talk about money.

No, no--

no, no, no, no.

Listen to me.

I'm not a rich man.

But whatever you need on this
cruise, whatever you want,

I want you to have it.

You understand?

Um, oh, I don't have my book.

Uh, capisce?

Capisce.

But when we get to
Monaco tomorrow,

then it will be my turn.

My mama will cook you
a meal such as you

have never tasted in your life.

Your folks live in Monaco?

Si.

And my mama is the
best cook in the world.

Do you bring all your
dates home to sample

your mama's cooking?

No, only the
very special ones.

Maria, baby, I haven't heard
a peep out of you all evening.

Are you all right?

No.

I'm-- I'm fine, grandma.

Mama, she's just nervous
about being married.

What bride isn't?

Grandma, maybe I'm too
young to get married.

What are you talking about?

I was married when
I was years old.

See how nice
everything turned out?

I have indigestion.

This time, you
cannot blame it on me.

After years
of your cooking,

I have permanent indigestion.

Dominic--

mama, papa, look.

This is your anniversary cruise.

Why don't you take a romantic
tour around the wood?

I've already seen the deck.

It's all wood.

A regular Rudolph Valentino.

Besides, I'm tired.

I'm going to go to sleep.

Buonasera.

What else is new?

- Bye, papa.
- Good night.

Good night.

I'll walk you to your cabin.

Good night, mama.

- Good night, guys.
- Good night.

Wait for me.

Buonasera.

Good evening, ladies.
May I join you?

Yes.

No.

I think I prefer
Maria's answer.

Look, Roberto,
Maria's going to get

married when we get to venice.

It's been arranged for her
between families who are old

and dear friends.

So why don't you just--

ah, I understand.

You do?

Oh, yes.

Every Italian understands
and respects tradition.

You need not worry about
me, signorina rosselli.

Good.

[Music playing]

Woman: Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

That beautiful shoreline belongs
to the principality of Monaco,

ruled over by prince
rainier and his family.

The entire principality is
contained within an area

of acres, where a
population of ,

enjoys a tax-free status.

This is perhaps
the most glamorous

spot on the French riviera.

We'll be here all day, so
be sure to visit the palace,

the old town, and of course,
the world-famous area

known as monte Carlo.

A bientot.

[Music playing]

Merci.

I knew I shouldn't have come.

Pardon?

Oh, no, no, no.

Count di marzi?

Si.

You're count di marzi?

For many years.

Not too many,
I'm pleased to see.

Signora crandall?

Yeah.

[Speaking Italian]

Thank you.

Please.

You look somehow different
from the snapshot

our friend, Helena, sent me.

Not too different, I hope.

I mean, I don't want
to disappoint you.

You see, I must admit,
I'm a little disappointed.

You are?

Yes.

I'm disappointed you
not come yesterday.

[Music playing]

Sergeant: [Speaking French]

Dad, it's almost time for
the changing of the guard.

Isaac: How often do they change?

Captain stubing:
Whenever they get dirty.

[Band playing march]

Sergeant: [Speaking French]

Isaac: They certainly are
an impressive-looking group.

Woman: Well, it sure takes a
lot of them to guard the palace.

Isaac: Yeah.

Too bad they couldn't
afford a burglar alarm.

Sergeant: [Speaking French]

[Applause]

Weren't they wonderful?

And so handsome.

Yes, so very handsome.

Come.

Let's do some shopping, Maria.

[Music playing]

Aren't these pretty, huh?

Oh, they're lovely.

Why don't you try some on,
see how they look on you?

Oh, all right.

I like that one.

It's very pretty.

No, I don't think so.

How's this one?

Oh, that's perfect.

That's you, Maria.

I'm not sure.

This is nice.

How's this?

No.

I don't like those
colors on you.

Come on, Maria.

We have to get back to the ship.

All right, ok.

I'm going.

[Music playing]

Now I am ready
for the grand prix.

You've already
got my heart racing.

Is there a place like
this in your country?

Gopher.

Mm?

It was very beautiful
of you to bring the wine.

But it was not really necessary.

Hey, Angelica, listen.

If your folks are nice
enough to have me for lunch,

the least I can do is
spring for the wine.

Uh, gopher--

and besides, I got it
for half price on the ship.

We've got to get going if we're
going to be there in time.

We are here.

You live here?

Well, not all the time,
only during the summer.

In the winter, we move
to the big house in Rome.

Yeah.

[Music playing]

Pass me the wine, please.

It's more closer to you.

It is not.

Now it is.

If you want something,
you ask for it nicely.

Say please.

Yes, your highness, [Italian].

Now, may I please
have a piece of bread?

No.

You had enough.

It's not any good for you.

And you even forgot the knife.

No, I didn't forget the knife.

I wouldn't trust myself
near you now with a knife.

Mamma Mia.

I no going to get a divorce.

I going to get a reprieve.

What a fool I was.

I should have married
Salvatore minnelli.

Today, I'd be a happy woman.

Ha, [Italian].

Salvatore minnelli
died years ago.

That's what I mean.

Today, I'd be a happy woman.

I'd be a widow.

[Music playing]

francs.

I might have broken the
bank at monte Carlo.

I doubt it.

It's about $ , American.

Count di marzi, i'm--

si.

--So happy I came to lunch.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

If you had enjoyed yourself
as much as I hoped you would,

you would be calling
me Paulo by now.

I thoroughly
enjoyed myself, Paulo.

Bene.

I have some business
now I must attend to.

And then I must return to Capri.

When you come to
Capri, you will be

my guest of honor at a party i'm
giving at my villa, per favore.

Yes?

Yes?

Yes.

If-- if you write
our friend, Hannah,

thank her for me for arranging
such a beautiful meeting

with such a beautiful lady.

I'll not only thank Helen.

I am changing my will to leave
her all my worldly possessions.

Is the least I can do.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Do a good job with
that one, Paulo.

Si.

A friend paid our top fee.

Have you ever had any
complaints for my services, hm?

Never.

But I always worry
that my best escort

will become personally involved
with a client and leave me.

Rest easy, signor franzoni.

How could a gigolo
fall in love, huh?

First, he must have a heart.

Angelica, your
parents are charming.

The lunch was delicious.

And this is the
most beautiful house

I've ever seen in my life.

But I'm not surprised, because
you're the most beautiful

girl I've ever seen in my life.

And you say the
most beautiful things

I've ever heard in my life.

You too.

And now, the same
sentence in Italian.

[Laughs]

[Speaking Italian]

[Music playing]

Woman: Ladies and
gentlemen, we hope you

enjoyed your stay in Monaco.

Tomorrow morning,
we'll be arriving

at our next port of call,
the beautiful isle of Capri.

What a surprise,
bumping into you.

Yes, considering you
just standing out there.

Hello, Roberto.

I did not see you at dinner.

Aunt Carmen wanted
to eat in the cabin.

Oh, that's too bad.

I-- I wanted to give you this,
a little memento of your visit

to Monaco.

It's the one I wanted.

Thank you.

You understand, Roberto, that
this is just a friendly gift.

Of course.

Now, all you need is
a place to wear it.

How about a friendly
walk around the deck?

Aunt Carmen.

All right, but friendly.

Friendly!

[Music playing]

The count was
really that handsome?

Oh, yes, very handsome.

And he wasn't at all stuffy,
like I expected him to be.

I guess, when
you're a real count,

you don't have to act like one.

Makes you more interesting.

Well, from the
looks of you, i'd

say he was a little more
than just interesting.

When we get to Capri,
he's going to a party for me

at his villa.

And I'm going to be
the guest of honor.

Now, that's
really interesting.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Here we go.

Are you comfortable here?

You know, I think
there's a draft here.

You should--

gopher, you are treating
me like an invalid.

I'm fine, really.

Ok.

Now, how about a
drink or something?

As a matter of fact, i--

ok.

Are you all right?

No problem, good.

I'm fine.

I'll get that drink.

I am not thirsty.

Please, sit down.

Ok.

You sure you don't
want something, like

a drink, or some nuts, or--

gopher, what is the matter?

Is there something
that I have done?

Oh, no, no.

It's nothing you've done.

It's-- well, it's
just, you're the first

millionairess I've ever met.

Gopher, please.

Why can you not treat
me exactly as before?

If you do not,
you'll spoil it all.

I'll spoil it all?

Yes.

Fine.

Want to split a drink?

[Music playing]

It's a beautiful
night, Roberto.

Yes, very beautiful.

Couldn't be nicer.

[Music playing]

Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
the fabled and fabulous isle

of Capri.

Renowned for the beauty of
its mountains and beaches

and the world-famous
blue grotto,

Capri is only four miles
long and two miles wide.

Long recognized as one of
the world's great resorts,

Capri was a vacation
spot as far back

in the time of Caesar
Augustus and tiberius Caesar,

each of whom built villas here.

Whether you choose to
soak up the sunshine

or visit one of the island's
many colorful shops, for sure,

you'll find Capri a highlight
of the mediterranean.

[Music playing]

Ooh.

Fran, you really
look beautiful.

You really think so?

Oh, look, Fran.

That must be the count's
limousine, waiting for you.

Oh.

Are you sure you won't come?

Oh, no.

Thanks, though.

You're going to
have a great time.

After all, you're the guest
of honor of the count.

Oh, I just hope
that the common guests

aren't too common.

[Music playing]

Bye.

Have fun!

[Speaking Italian]

Uh, no, grazie.

I think we should tell the
children about the divorce.

All this make-believe,
it's driving me crazy.

That's fine.

You tell them.

Me?

Why me?

Because the
flapping of the mouth

come very natural for you.

That's why.

Hey, would you like
to have some pasta?

What kind of man are you?

I'm talking about a divorce.

You're talking about pasta.

You want some?

Yes or no?

All right, but we're
going to go Dutch treat.

Uh, signorina, [Italian].

[Music playing]

[Italian].

Welcome to my home.

This is magnificent.

Grazie.

Come.

Let me show you the garden.

Everything is just
beautiful, Paulo.

Si.

I have always thought it
was beautiful as well,

but now, in the face of your
beauty, everything disappears.

Come.

We have some drinks.

Where are all
the other guests?

I mean, one usually
has other guests to set

the guest of honor apart.

I have decided to
cut the guest list

down to the guest of honor.

I thought it would be a
bit more intimate that way.

What makes you think i'd
like it to be more intimate?

But I thought--

you thought what?

I thought you knew.

I-- I see you did not know.

I'm embarrassed.

Tell me.

You thought I knew what?

Your friend, Helen,
she arranged for me--

the people I work for--

an escort service.

A reputable escort service.

You're with an escort service?

You're not a count?

You're a gigolo?

I am a count.

My people have been
counts for generations.

I'm also a professional actor.

When the count and actor are
out of work, then sometimes,

I'm a gigolo.

I knew you were
too good to be true.

Well, you're a good actor.

You sure had me fooled into
thinking you cared about me.

Francesca, please, but I do.

I'm-- I'm liking you very much.

I'm sure you do.

Without American ladies like me,
how would you earn your living?

Here, you can pour this
back in the bottle.

It may be flat, but that's
the same as the whole affair.

Signora, per favore, don't go.

I'm paid for.

Signora.

Francesca!

[Inaudible].

[Speaking Italian]

[Music playing]

Dad, I've just loved
these last few days.

And this is only Capri.

We still have Rome
and venice to go.

I don't know if
I can stand it.

Well, there's a sight that'll
bring you back to reality.

Hello, gopher.

Oh, hi, sir.
Hi, Vicki.

Where's Angelica?

Oh, I'm going to
meet him right here.

Oh, but sir, I have not
forgotten about that report.

I will have it on your
desk by the time we sail.

I promise.

I'm sure you will.

I hope neatness doesn't count.

Oh, um, dad, we
don't have much time.

Can we see the
rest of the island?

Of course, honey.

Gopher, don't forget,
we sail at o'clock.

Yes, sir, o'clock.

Kidding.

[Music playing]

Oh, grazie.

Now, all I have to do is
pick up a few little gifts

for back home.

Let's see now.

There's funzi, antoinette,
and Lena, Johnny, carroll,

and joya, Michael,
Steven, Tommy, Lewis,

Gloria, Patty, uncle Mikey.

This is going to take some time.

Oh, no problem.

I understand that.

Good.

Man: Pst, signore.

Hey, signore, over here.

[Italian]

Signore, si, [Italian].

[Music playing]

[Yelling]

[Music playing]

Well, is everybody
ready to go?

Captain, have you seen gopher?

Hasn't he come back yet?

He was supposed to have a report
on my desk before we sailed.

Angelica was just
asking about him.

He was supposed
to meet her here.

But he never showed up.

But we saw him.

He was waiting for you.

Well, knowing gopher,
he probably walked

around and just got lost.

Well, don't worry.

I'm sure everything's all right.

You come back to
the ship with me.

Isaac, Adam, you wait here.

Right.

We'll send a launch for you.

[Music playing]

Gopher: You are in
big trouble, pal.

I am an American citizen, and
I demand to see the ambassador.

Man: Hey, I am
taking a shave here.

Shut up, or I cut myself.

Listen.

Listen to me.

The police are probably
looking for me right now.

You had better turn me
loose, or you will--

that's my face.

You got my face.

Si.

And your hands, too.

And soon, I will
have my Angelica.

Angelica?

What has she got
to do with this?

Since she is a
small girl, my heart

weeps with love for Angelica.

But she forgets who I am.

Listen, pal.

You've got a big problem.

Ah, Bella Angelica, hm?

How could she know me?

When she is , her father
makes a lot of money,

and they move to Monaco.

And she leaves me--

me, guido cadamara,
her first love.

She leaves me.

And now, what am I?

Nothing-- uh, zero.

But soon, my plan
will change all that.

What plan?

I am going to take
your place and your face.

Angelica is never going
to know the difference.

She is going to think I am you.

From now on, I am boo-rul--

burl!

Si, I say that--

boo-rul Smith, Stella solaris.

No, you're not.

You're still guido
cadamara, Italian fruitcake.

And you're not going to get
away with impersonating me,

either, not with that accent.

Oh, that?

Oh, that is only when
I'm speak to you.

I feel excitement.

When I speak to your
friends, I talk like this.

(American accent) What do
you think of that, buddy boy?

Even your own mama would
swear I am her son, for sure.

Come on.

Ciao, baby.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait!

Hey!

Hey--

oh.

This is beautiful.

Yes.

Those rock formations
are called the [Italian]..

Centuries of sea, and
wind, and rain have

given their incredible shape.

Do you know that this area is
also famous for its cameos?

Oh.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Will you wear it?

Yes.

From my heart to your heart.

[Music playing]

Any luck?

Any luck?

I looked every place for him.

Yeah, so did I.
He just disappeared.

Well, we can't
wait any longer.

If we do, the captain's
going to sail without us.

There he is.

Gopher!

Hey, goph!

[Whistles]

Isaac: Gopher!
Adam: Over here!

Isaac: Hey, gopher!

Adam: Goph!

[Italian].

Ah, boy, it sure is good
to see you guys again, huh?

Well, that's a
charming sentiment.

But where the heck
have you been?

Yeah, and what's
with the phony dialect?

Oh.

Ah-- that's because I'm so late,
I was taking a dialect lesson.

We'll work that one out later.

In the meantime, we better get
going while we still have jobs.

[Speaking Italian]

Ok, let's go.

Ok, let's go.

Help.

Police!

Uh, [Italian]!

[Music playing]